All language subtitles for Watch All Over the Guy (2001) - Free Movies - Tubi

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

- [Singer] One, two.

One, two.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ You got to face it ♪

♪ Love makes no sense ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Don't try to fight it ♪

♪ All your defenses are
useless to you now ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ When you leave this room all
you will think about is me ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ I'll be every song on your radio ♪

♪ Everything on your TV ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Just wait and see ♪

♪ Even though you never looked at me ♪

♪ I know the real you
is behind those eyes ♪

♪ Every true story is full of lies ♪

♪ That leads to ♪

(keys jingling)

(phone buttons beeping)

♪ The real you ♪

(telephone ringing)

(gentle upbeat music)

(telephone ringing)

- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this
is Eli, leave a message.

(egg splatting)

(phone line beeping)

- Hey, it's Tom.

Again.

Call me.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ I'll take you by the hand
and soon I'll pull your heart ♪

(door thudding)

♪ Out of your body, and there is no way ♪

(door thudding)

♪ You can escape me ♪

♪ I know the real you
is behind those eyes ♪

(car alarm blaring)

♪ Every true story is full of lies ♪

♪ That lead to ♪

(car door thudding)

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ The real you ♪

(car door thudding)

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ The real you ♪

(car engine revving)

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Real you ♪

♪ Real you ♪

♪ Real ♪

♪ You ♪

(gentle music)

(footsteps tapping)

- Hi, I'm Eli Wyckoff.

I'm here for my test results.

- And you're about an hour early.

Why don't you go get yourself some coffee?

- Oh, I'm gonna wait, if that's okay.

- Okay.

- [Eli] All right.

- This your first time?

- My first?

No.

No.

I have this habit of getting
tested after every boy,

guy that I ever, you know.

Well, there's only been
like three in the past few.

Oh this is the third, so
it's not really a habit, yet.

- Uh-huh.

- Oh, no.

It's not like I think
there's even a chance

that I have, you know.

I know the dangers.

I do the police blotter
for the Hollywood News,

so me and danger, we're like this.

- So why are you here?

(telephone ringing)

Feedback Clinic, this is Esther.

Uh-huh.

Well, did you suck his dick?

Then you better come in.

Okay.

- Hi, I'm Tom.

And I'm an alcoholic.

- [Group] Hi, Tom.

- So, I'm 10 days away
from my 30-day chip.

(group applauding)

(Tom throat clearing)

Yeah, anyway.

Both my parents are drunks.

But, I still don't feel like
I belong here, you know.

I mean, I go to flea markets.

I vote.

Even for, like, school
board and and prop whatever.

I'm a special ed teacher,
for Christ's sake.

It's not like I'm this Hollywood has-been,

crouched in an airport bathroom,

sucking on a can of final net.

So why am I here?

The truth?

Truth is, I met a guy.

(gentle upbeat music)

And if I had to pick a,

I don't know, a trigger, you know,

I'd have to say it was all over this guy.

(gentle upbeat music)

But, whatever.

You know what?

Who cares how it happened.

Bottom line is I'm here.

And I quit drinking and guys

because I can't be trusted with either.

(Tom laughing)

Thanks.

- Nice going.

- Oh.

(Tom laughing)

- Yeah, well, I'll get it
right one of these times.

- It sounded right to me.

It's like you were telling my story.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Well, I shared first, so I
get dibs on the book rights.

- That's fair.

- So tell me about the guy.

- You know what?

No, I don't want to keep you from.

- What, from what?

The important things in life,
like stapling or filing?

Oh, please, I couldn't be more bored.

- So this thing with that guy?

You seem pretty healthy with it.

- Only to the sight and hearing impaired.

(Gary laughing)

- Pull up your chair, honey.

- This one?

- Yeah.

Move up.

(gentle upbeat music)

So, you and your boyfriend, you broke up.

- Oh, boyfriend, I don't know.

- I don't know, I don't know.

But things just got too, too, you know.

And I choked.

I'm an alcoholic.

You do the math.

- We met on a blind date, which sucked.

Then we became friends

and now we don't speak to each other.

So, a happy ending.

- How did we meet.

(gentle upbeat music)

It all started with this phone call

from my best friend, Jackie.

- Tom.

Pick up.

Pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up.

Damn it.

Where are you?

I'm at a pay phone, 'cause I can't get

my piece of shit cell phone to work

unless I'm standing on my head
with my fingers up my ass.

- Whoo hoo.
- Yeah.

- Fuck you.

(car horn honking)

Anyway, listen.

What are you doing Friday night?

'Cause I just met this guy Brett

at a furniture store on Montana,

and he showed me this
great love seat to die for,

and I think I could get it wholesale.

There's just one catch.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Everything I want you got it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you own it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you got it ♪

♪ Everything in me, you want it ♪

♪ Everything I want, you got it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you own it ♪

♪ Everything I need, you got it ♪

♪ Everything in me, you want it ♪

- Any luck?

- Oh.

With?

- Oh, I don't know.

I just figured by now
you'd be looking for change

beneath the seat cushions.

- Oh, God.

You did, you saw me?

- Oh yeah, no, the whole routine.

The little dance thing.

(Jackie laughing)

- Oh, that's great.

That's great.

Now I'm thoroughly mortified.

- No, you're fine.

Don't worry about it.

- Well, I know.

But now it's your turn to
do something humiliating.

- Oh, well, I work in a furniture store,

so I've pretty much covered those bases.

(both laughing)

- Well, hello, hey, what's humiliating

about an employee discount, right?

Which, by the way, does that apply

to this sort of wheelie cartie thing?

'Cause this is yummy.

- Right.

Look, A, I get 10% off of this crap,

and B, you know, I don't know if

the whole clockwork orange come Ikea thing

is really your scene?

Honestly.

- Quite a salesman.

(both laughing)

- Yeah, I don't even know
what half this shit is.

(both laughing)

- Okay.

Great.

Well, you know what, though?

My heart does kind of beat
faster for this love seat.

- Oh, you're kidding.

- Why, do you hate it?

- No, it's the only thing
in the store that's mine.

- Yours?

- One of my designs, yeah.

- Oh.

You're a designer.

- Yeah, yeah no, this was
one of my first projects.

- Well, I love it.

- Thank you.

- What is the color?

Sort of a yellow, beige, yellow.

- Buttercup.

- Buttercup?

- Buttercup.

(gentle upbeat music)

I'm not gay, okay,

just 'cause I say butter you know.

You know, I have this argument
with Eli all the time.

God damn it, man.

You know, honestly, just
'cause I say buttercup

doesn't mean I'm gay, you know.

Or I used to be gay, or I want to be gay.

Not gay, you know, just very particular

about the nomenclature I
use regarding my palette.

- And who's Eli, the boyfriend?

- Right.

No, no, he's my, you
know, he's my best friend,

who happens to be gay.

- Well, you know what I think?

I think you're one of
those guys who, you know,

sort of flirts with a girl,
maybe even takes her to dinner,

and then, you know, when
push comes to shove,

the only frenching you'll be
doing with her are her braids.

(both laughing)

- Well, that's pretty sassy.

So you've been braided a lot recently?

- No, I look, I know gay men, okay.

I practically invented them.

- Oh, okay.
- You know,

and there's no such
thing as a straight guy

with a gay best friend he's not fucking.

Hey.

Don't give me

that look, all right.
- What?

- My friend Tom who by the way,

is single, if you're interested.

Yeah, he's the first to agree.

- Right, right.

Okay, well, thanks for the tip.

I'm not particularly
interested in in in Tom.

Unless, of course, I
mean, he has your eyes.

(gentle upbeat music)

- So, there's actually a chance
that he didn't hate my guts,

and I could be having his children

on that kick-ass, buttercup love seat.

Which is where you come in.

- I was like, great.

I figured next she'll be
asking me to blow some guy

for 3 Day Blinds.

(Gary laughing)

- You know in the movies, when
a guy's in the supermarket

and he accidentally bumps shopping carts

with the love of his life?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, well.

The last few times I
bumped carts with anyone,

they looked like they were
fresh off the special bus.

That is why I let my friends fix me up.

(telephone ringing)

(eerie music)

(telephone ringing)

- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this
is Eli, leave a message.

- Eli, you there?

Buddy?

Hello, hello.

That's right, there's an
"X Files" marathon on.

I cannot believe I'm friends
with a Trekkie, it's pathetic.

- Okay, I am not a Trekkie, you got that?

I just like, "The X Files."

I believe the truth is out there.

Don't you?

- Yeah, whatever, look, man.

I fully hooked you up.

You have a date on Friday night.

- What a minute, what?

- Mm, yep, that's right.

Your losing streak is over, my man.

He's a total stud, like a big guy.

- Okay, you always say that.

It's like entry level.

It means he's got nipples.

- For you, that'd be a step up.

- Ha, ha, that's funny.

- Anyway, like, friend
Jackie came into the store.

I completely hit it off.

Yikes.

Let me tell you.

She's got unbelievable KB.

- What is that, killer butt?

- No, killer boobs.

Anyway, she told me about her friend Tom.

Sounds like a nice guy.

I lied, basically, I said
you were a great guy.

Told her about you.

- That's really nice.
- And now you two

have to go out on Friday night.

- Okay, wait a minute, says who?

(door knocking)

That's.

- Actually, you know what?

Can I can I call you right back?

I just showed up at my
loser gay friend's place.

I'll call you back.

- That's funny.
- It's mainly junk.

Anyway, look.

I know it didn't go all so, you know,

that well the last time
with, Richard, was it?

- Rita, from UPS.

She was a woman.

- Whatever, you know, she was still gay.

That's your problem, you're so picky.

Anyway, you yourself said she had KB.

- Killer boobs?

- No, butt.

- Okay, you know, the whole initial thing?

It's got to stop.

And P.S. I never said KB, I
said KGB, killer garlic breath.

- Oh.

Whatever, look, the bottom line is,

I made a reservation for you, for Tom,

Friday night at Nick's, eight o'clock.

Be there or be square.

- Okay, you know, I hate
it when people say that,

'cause even when I'm there, I'm square,

so what is the incentive?

- Well, he's a teacher.

Sounds like a great guy.

Maybe you'll get lucky.

You'll have to stay after class.

All right?

Detention?

You like that sort of thing, don't you?

The discipline, the gravity
boots, the whole thing.

You're welcome.

- Of course, you went?

- Yep, I went.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ She landed on my roof from Venus ♪

♪ Her ship ran out of gas fast as light ♪

♪ And love came between us ♪

♪ Fashion girl from outer space ♪

♪ I'll never turn you on ♪

♪ Future love ♪

♪ That's right, that's
right, that's right ♪

♪ Making future love tonight ♪

♪ That's right, that's
right, that's right ♪

♪ Making future love tonight ♪

♪ It's all right if I love you ♪

♪ It's all right if I don't ♪

♪ But I've been praying
that you're running away ♪

♪ 'Cause I got the feeling,
honey, that you won't ♪

♪ Supersonic safety love ♪

♪ I'll never turn you on ♪

♪ That's right, that's
right, that's right ♪

♪ Making future love tonight ♪

♪ That's right, that's right ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

(car door thudding)

- [Eli Voiceover] Believe me,

I didn't have high hopes for this date.

- [Esther Voiceover] Well, you
didn't have anything to lose.

- [Eli Voiceover] I know.

Honestly, all I kept thinking was,

I hope he doesn't smoke.

(Tom exhaling)

(Eli coughing)

♪ Sometimes I wish I had a gun ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

(people speaking indistinctly)

- I'm gonna go up to the
bar and get another drink.

You want you want something?

- Yes, yes.

I'll have another seltzer with lime.

- Seltzer with lime.

- Make it a white wine spritzer.

- Spritzer, got it.

- On second thought, can I get a 7 and 7?

Rocks with a twist.

- Okay, are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
always get a 7 and 7.

- Oh, hi.

Yeah, we're gonna have a.

- Absolut Martini,
straight up, two olives.

Make it a little dirty.

(glass tapping)

You?

- Uh.

(people speaking indistinctly)

(glass tapping)

(gentle upbeat music)

Do you like movies?

- Yeah, I like movies.

- Yeah, me too.

I think it was gay night
on cable last night,

'cause, "In & Out" was on again.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Uh-huh.

- Nah, I just thought
it was great, you know,

to see a movie like that, with two guys.

Not with two guys, you know,

with two guys who, you know, in the movie.

- I hated it.

- Oh.

Yeah, no me too.

I just thought it was light fun.

- Fun?

- Yeah.

- Fun to see Kevin Kline

get on his sorry-assed, middle-aged knees

and give us a big ole Hollywood blow job

by catering to every cliched, homophobic,

stereotypical idea of
what it means to be gay?

Without having the decency or the courtesy

or even just the balls
to drop a little trou'

and show us his.

- Wait a minute, come on.

I don't know, I thought
it was nice to see a guy

coming out to his family, his friends,

not to mention, his fiance.

- His fiance?

The loser bitch has been
waiting her whole life

to marry this Nelly,
Barbara-loving, self-hating,

geriatric English teacher
who can't get it up for her.

And we're supposed to feel sorry for her?

Aw, no fucking way.

I mean, you do the math.

Where the hell is the
waiter with my drink?

You want anything?

(gentle upbeat music)

- I'm not even going
to mention, "Birdcage."

(people speaking indistinctly)

Can I get a diet coke?

- Sure.

- All right, what was your
favorite movie of all time?

Let's just start with that.

- You know what?

I'm not a big fan of the favorites game,

so why don't you go first?

- Oh, okay.

Well, I know it sounds corny and cliche,

but I have to say, "Gone With The Wind."

- I never saw it.

- Yeah, right.

- I didn't.

I never saw, "Gone With The Wind."

- You're kidding, right?

- No, I'm not kidding.

- Come on.

- I never saw the movie.

- You never saw the movie?

- No, I never.

Okay, fine.

Do you want me to tell
you that I saw the movie?

I will.

I saw the movie.

It was the best movie I've ever seen.

Especially that part where Red Buttons

is up on the hill with Charlotte.

- Oh, my God.

You are scaring me.

- What do you want me to say?

I'm not a big fan of
black and white movies.

Relax, would you?

Relax.

I saw, "Fame" like 15 times.

Does that help?

- Well, it's a start.

(lighter clicking)

Wow, KE.

- What?

- What?

- What did you just say?

- Nothing.

- Yeah, you just said something.

- No, no, I didn't.

- Yeah, you did.

You said, KE, what what is that?

- It it's nothing.

It's it's nothing.

It's stupid.

It's initial talk.

Brett and I have been doing it for years.

It is so stupid, it
means nothing, trust me.

- Right, so I just took a hit.

- No, no, no, you didn't.

Tom, believe me.

I swear to you.

(gentle upbeat music)

It means, killer eyes, okay.

(gentle upbeat music)

- You know what?

I'm gonna go.

It's late, and.

- Yeah, yeah, let's you and I go.

On our way.

Ways.

On our ways, separate, you and me.

You know.

Here, let's split it.

- No, I got it, I got it, I got it.

- No, let's split it.

- No, I want to do this.

- Please, I don't want to do that.

- Just let me pay.

- Let me just split it.

- Just let me do this.

- Let me just pay for my own.

- Just go.

- Going.

(gentle upbeat music)

He hated me.

It was like I activated his gag reflex.

That is the last time I
will let you fix me up.

You got that?

Take it in.

Next date I go on is gonna
cost me $2 for the first minute

and $1.50 each additional minute.

- Did he say anything about me and Jackie?

- What?

No, it didn't come up.

Are you sure the guy was even gay?

- Are you kidding?

- I don't know, you know, with you.

- How many straight guys you
know pretend they're gay?

- Besides you?

- Hello.

You sure he didn't say anything about me?

- Hey, you want eggs?

I can easily add an egg to this.

You want an egg?

- Can I have eggs, are
there eggs, are there eggs?

You have to relax.

You're becoming a crazy person.

You've been whipping for 20 minutes.

Your mother told me you
were going to be like this.

- My mom called you again?

What did you tell her?

- No, she's concerned about you.

You never you never talk
to the woman, you know.

She thinks you're becoming a big loser.

- Oh, that's nice.

That's great.

Thanks.

Thanks for that.

Easy for her to say.

I know what's out there.

Guys with bad fucking hair plugs,

staples in their dicks, beanie
baby collections or worse.

- Worse?

- Oh, there's worse.

- Oh, come on.

It'll be so much better next time.

- There won't be a next time.

Unless his name is Ben,
Jerry, or Jose Cuervo.

- Uh-huh.

Like you haven't already had those guys.

And their brothers.

Haven't you ever wondered what it's like

to be with the same guy for more than,

oh, I don't know five minutes?

- With the guys I meet, five
minutes is all it takes.

- Charming.

Okay, but more importantly, mm,

what did Eli say about me?

Is it gonna happen with Brett?

- No idea.

Didn't mention it.

- Oh.

Like I care.

But maybe I should call Brett, and just,

you know, find out what
Eli said about your date.

- Couldn't care less.

- Right, right, we officially don't care.

I get it, yeah.

I definitely am not going to call.

- Where you going?

- Home.

To officially not call.

- No, no, no, no.

You were supposed to stay here

and watch lifetime television
for women and gay men.

- No.

- It's Joan Van Arc in
not without my nose job.

- Oh, angel. I've
already lived that movie.

- All that shit people
say about finding the one?

I'm sick of it.

Tom certainly isn't.

I don't ever think I'm going
to meet the guy who is.

- You know, your whole problem
is there's no such thing

as the one, okay.

- You're such a liar.

Like two seconds ago,
you told me how you think

this girl Jackie is the one.

- I met her one time.

I said she could be the
one or one of the ones.

There's not just one, one.

You know, there's fractions of one,

there's halves of one,
there's quarters of one.

You know, the idea is about
making yourself open to someone,

you know, perhaps Tom becoming the one.

(birds chirping)

- Are you coming to the flea
market with me tomorrow?

- No, sweetie, by tomorrow,

I'm hoping to actually have plans

with a man who will appreciate
me for my body, okay,

not just my brains and
wit and sense of style.

- So dad's in town?

- You're disgusting.

Why don't you take a
date to the flea market?

- Oh.

- Okay, that is why you never go steady.

- I haven't gone steady
since the seventh grade.

You do the math.

- Besides, he kept
saying, "You do the math"

even when it made no sense.

What a turn-off.

- What's the turn-on?

According to your mother,
you haven't had a hard-on

since she first took you
to see the nutcracker

at the Jewish community
center in first grade.

- Stop talking to my
mother about my sex life.

- What sex life?

- I have one.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay, you know, it counts.

- Right.

- I spent 10 years learning
which buttons to push,

now I just have to look
at myself and I come.

- [Brett] Ew.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Everybody's looking for something ♪

♪ Step right up and tell
me what it's all about ♪

♪ Well, don't you worry bout nothin' ♪

♪ If you see what you like,
I'm sure we'll work it out ♪

♪ I come and see you on Sundays ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ East side, West Side, uptown or down ♪

♪ And all your problems will disappear ♪

♪ When you lay your money down ♪

(sings in foreign language)

♪ Let's make a deal, man ♪

(sings in foreign language)

- Hey.

- Oh hey.

Hey, how are you doing?

- Good, good.

How are you?

- Yeah, good.

Good, good.

- Good.

- You look good.

- God thanks.

- No, no, no, really.

- So, what, you were lying the first time?

- What?

No, no, no, no, you got that fresh,

Sunday morning, read the paper,
cup of coffee kinda look.

- Yeah, and here I
thought I had that stale,

Sunday morning hangover, choke
on my own vomit thing going.

(both laughing)

- What are you here for?

You looking for anything in particular?

- Yeah, yeah, actually,

I'm looking for a vintage Martini set.

You know, the shaker and the
glasses and the whole thing.

- Huh.

- How about you?

You just browsing?

- Me, are you kidding?

I go nuts.

I have to look for one
thing and just one thing.

- And that would be what?

- Hmm?

A bathroom, actually.

Shit, they probably don't have

bathrooms at a place like this, right.

Probably just porta-potties.

God, I hate those.

You know, my parents had
to rent like four of them

for my sister's bat mitzvah.

- Come on.

You didn't come here
looking for a bathroom.

- I didn't?

Okay, I'm looking for an
original Cornelius action figure,

you know, from, "Planet of the Apes?"

(Tom laughing)

- What, you're yanking my chain, right?

- Yeah, actually, no I'm not.

And I really hate that expression.

But you know, it was good seeing you.

I'll see you around.

- No, no, no, don't.

Come on, come on, grow a
sense of humor, will ya?

I'm not,

you're funny.

I'm not laughing at.

No, not funny bad, you're funny good.

Funny good.

Look, why don't we go
grab a cup of coffee,

and then I'll help you
go look for your dolly.

- Action figure.

- So, is it just the apes or
do you have Betsy Wetsy, too?

Because Jackie didn't tell me

that you were a doll collector.

- Interesting.

You know, Brett didn't tell
me you were an asshole.

(both laughing)

- Speaking of which,
what's up with those two?

(gentle upbeat music)

(door knocking)

(gentle upbeat music)

- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So I thought you should
know, they hated each other.

- Oh.

Oh right, more than life itself, yeah.

(gentle upbeat music)

- No, no, no fucking chemistry.

(gentle upbeat music)

(birds chirping)

(gentle upbeat music)

- I had the biggest, "Planet
of the Apes" collection

until, like, the sixth
grade, when my parents

made me sell it at a garage sale.

They were afraid it was
going to adversely affect

my psychosexual development.

They're both shrinks.

- Well, did it?

- What?

- Affect your psycho, whatever?

- Well, I'm gay, aren't I?

- Oh, so the apes made you gay?

- I don't know.

- What is that, the ape theory?

- Well, you've got a half-naked
Charlton Heston in a cage.

- Where he belongs.

- Yeah, right.

Plus my huge crush on Roddy McDowell

and those cute, little leather outfits.

That, my friend, is a
gay, pre-teen happy meal.

- Do you have any Martini sets?

- No, afraid not.

- You know, I've got to admit,

I don't even know what a
Martini set looks like.

I wouldn't know a Martini
if it bit me in the ass.

- No, it shouldn't if you
know how to make them.

- I take it you do.

- In my house, you had to.

I couldn't tie my shoes 'til I was 10,

but I can make a Martini.

I was like Isaac on our
sinking little love boat.

(parents laughing)

- Thank you, sweetheart.

This is perfect.

So, Tommy, have you met any
nice girls at school this year?

- Yeah, they're nice.

- Hey.

You give any thought to
what we talked about?

- None of the other fifth graders

know what they're going
to do after high school.

- And what do I care about a
bunch of pansy fifth graders

with silver spoons in their mouths?

- I sort of like the idea of teaching.

Teaching sounds good.

- That's terrific, honey.

(mother laughing)

- I can't remember them
without a drink in their hand.

You know, when my father

used to pitch baseballs
to me in the backyard.

- Mm-hmm.

- He never spilt a drop.

- Oh, my God, I can't even imagine.

- So your parents didn't drink?

- No, we never played
games in the backyard.

- Never?

- First of all, we didn't have a backyard.

And second of all, the
closest we ever came to a game

was The Feel Wheel.

- Rage is at the top.

Then we move down to frustration,
confusion, loneliness.

On the other side, we have
loving, affectionate, silly.

- Okay, Eli, you go first.

Take your name and put it on the emotion

you're feeling right now.

- That's right, Eli,
don't think, look inside.

What are you feeling?

- Right now, go.

- Don't think,

go, go.

Go.

- Do I have to, Dr. Wyckoff?

- [Ellen] Can you do it for mommy?

♪ And amuse me ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ When you answer the
door, pick up the phone ♪

♪ You won't find me 'cause
I'm not coming home ♪

- You'd just be walking
along and then you'd think

"Gee, I feel happy"

and then you'd put your
little flag on the wheel?

- No, no.

It's just Something my
parents wanted us to do,

so that they would feel more enlightened.

(Tom laughing)

Like getting us to say penis
and vagina at the dinner table.

You know, so that we
would feel comfortable

talking about sex, which is probably why

now I prefer pee-pee and hoo-hoo.

- More pee-pee than hoo-hoo, I'd imagine.

- Does it show?

I don't think that game would
have been a hit in my house,

unless there was a section
on the wheel for thirsty.

- Well, there was a section
on the wheel for scared.

But you'd have had to
share that one with me.

(gentle music)

- Hey, no chance on the Eli and Tom thing.

That's.

- Oh, what a pain.

The gays are so picky.

- No, no, no, no, it's
Eli, I'm telling you.

He's got the worst DK on the planet.

- Donna Karan?

- No, dating karma.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

No, it sucks.

He told me that A, he thinks he,

like, insulted Tom a hundred times,

and B, that he's, you know, straight.

(Jackie laughing)

Yeah.

- Okay, so now, Tom is just a freak.

You know, he officially
hates any guy that he likes.

Or worse, who likes him.

- What, dude?

- Yeah, well, welcome to the
wonderful world of self-hate.

And he's not even Jewish.

- What on God's earth is this?

I mean, honestly, that's the ugliest thing

I've ever seen in my entire life.

(Jackie laughing)

(birds chirping)

(lamp shade clanking)

- Morning.

- Morning.

- What's the hurry?

- Oh, you know what?

Today is decoupage day at
school, and I'm late, so.

- Oh, okay.

- Listen, I just I want
to apologize for yesterday

and last night.

It just shouldn't have happened.

- Oh.

- I mean, I feel like we got
off to a really good start,

but then I feel like I
kind of fucked things up,

so I promise it won't ever happen again.

- Good.

Yeah.

We shouldn't have.

Anyway, it was both of our faults, so.

- No, no, well, yeah.

So, you know, let's just
pretend it never happened.

- Perfect.

- Great.

All right.

I'll see you later.

(gentle upbeat music)

Hey.

- How you doing?

(gentle upbeat music)

(internet beeping)

(keyboard keys clacking)

(gentle upbeat music)

- I don't know.

We had a great time, I don't get it.

- Looked to me like you did
get it something called laid.

(both laughing)

- You know, FYI, gay
guys don't necessarily

play the same bases as straight guys do.

- It's still fucking, dude.

- Hello, gentlemen.

- You don't mind if the
brother hangs out, do you?

I had him fixed.

- Do I have a choice?

I don't get the double standard.

You know, guys can do all
kinds of things with women,

and they won't call it sex
unless they actually fuck.

You know, like sex with interns.

- Listen, I'm not judging you.

You know, it's just sex, man.

- I'm not being defensive.

I'm trying to explain to you that a guy

can get together with another guy

and do all kinds of things
without necessarily, you know.

- Right, good, that's enough.

- It's a big step.

I know couples who have never

and probably will never actually.

- NT, new topic.

- What?

What is with you?

You were never this squeamish in college.

- That's because you were dating women.

- Yeah, well, it's the same thing

if you don't count the vaginas.

- Oof, I count 'em.

Four so far.

- Okay, you know what, Mitch?

Doesn't count if they
have inflate nozzles.

- Hey, look man, it's not like, you know,

you picked him up at
ye olde cock and balls

and got out the butter
spray and the choke collar

and the whole thing.

I mean, you spent an
afternoon together, right?

I mean, obviously he likes you.

- Right.

Fuck.

These are new.

- What's the matter?

Are you cranky?

- You know, I don't
want to do this anymore.

That's fine.

That's great.

- Okay.

Well, you did a terrific job.

Hey, listen, what are you
doing on Friday night?

Are you going to go out with the guy?

- I don't know.

Why, did Jackie say something?

- I don't know, but if
you're coming Friday night,

she can tell you herself.

- Yeah, no, I'm not doing that.

That's so seventh grade.

- Well, you'll catch up.

Huh?

- Did she invite Tom?

- No.

It's just us.

It will be fine.

Seven o'clock, Friday night, all right?

- All right fine.

Take this.

- Have a Valerian or something.

Take a nap.

- He's too intense.

You know, I like him as a friend, but.

- Bullshit.

That is just fear of intimacy,
which by the way is so 1991.

Pause.

Marie?

- Yeah.

- Put the headphones on.

The headphones, there you go.

Nice, Marie, but I need more
smile and less sell, okay.

Have fun.

- Okay, great, fun.

All right, good, topnotch.

Thanks.

- The way you did in
the audition, remember?

The reason we hired you.

- Right.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Good note.

Really good note.

- Great.

- "New vita-power energy bars
with tasty, chewy goodness

"in every bite."

- I'm just glad you met a guy
with half a brain in his head.

- Oh, wait, let me find the love in that.

Oh, right, there is none.

(Jackie laughing)

- Hey, I'm not the one who
fell in love with a guy

who could only get a job
selling sperm samples

and doing experimental drug research.

Wasn't he allergic?

- Yes, but he was cute, and you know it.

- Yeah, when the hives cleared up.

- "During and after your
living and giving life."

- Pause.

Sweetie?

- Yeah.

- What are you doing?

You're not Kathleen Turner, okay?

- No, I'm not.

I'm not Kathleen Turner.

That's right.

Yeah, I'm me.

Is that what you're saying?

I should be me.

- No.

What I'm saying is

that this isn't Blue Cross Blue Shield.

It's an energy snack,

so why don't we have some,
I don't know, energy?

- Energy yes, of course.

Okay, you're right.

All right, because it's
vita-power, and vita means life.

Okay, now, correct me if I'm wrong,

my intention should be to have,

no, to give more life, except as a bar.

But, Jackie, my concern

is that I'm going to be over the top.

(Jackie laughing)

- No.

Honey, you're so under the top right now

it's like you're selling
me a douche, okay,

I'm getting you on the beach

in a floral-print dress

talking about feminine freshness.

Is that the read you're going for?

- No, that's not.

Those were good word pictures.

Okay, just translate them for what I need.

Okay, good.

Yeah, I can do this.

I'm just going to keep going.

- You are so mean.

You're not even listening to her.

- Yes, I am.

She thinks she's doing books on tape.

- I think she's good.

- Well, don't change the subject.

Brett and I are cooking
dinner on Friday night.

- Ha.

What are you having?

- Shut up, you're coming.

- Is he invited?

- No, just you.

Pause.

That's it, go home.

- You want me to go?

I should go home?

- No, you're incredible.

I mean, that voice,
don't even kid yourself,

you're going to have a huge career.

- Oh, okay.

I thought.

Thank you.

Well, thanks to you.

(gentle upbeat music)

(car engine revving)

(gentle upbeat music)

- Jackie's a piece of work.

- Brett's a lying sack of shit.

- You look good.

I have no idea who this is.

I'm gonna kill you.

If this is a sports
figure, I'm gonna kill you.

Jaleel White.

- No, no.

- Elie Wiesel.

- You're actually not my partner.

Okay, come on, go, go, go.

- What is it about this look
that makes you think I know?

- Come on, all right, pass, pass, pass.

Okay, this one.

Oh, fuck, open.

Okay, the ex-football player
who allegedly killed his wife.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
"Allegedly" what are you, nuts?

- Just say it.

- O.J. Simpson.

- Yes.

- That's like saying Jackie
allegedly got a nose job.

- Shut up.

- Both of you shut up, okay?

All right, this one the
first name rhymes with this.

- Okay, could you never,
ever do that again?

- Just say it.

- Time, time, time, time.

- Brett, is it maybe time?

- What the fuck was that?

- I bet you it was one of Brett's.

They're so hard because he's so smart.

- Apparently not smart enough

to know that you had a nose job.

- What, I told you about that.

- No, you didn't.

- So what's the diff?

- Come on, Brett, like you couldn't tell.

Every Jewish teenage girl with money

winds up with that nose.

(all laughing)

- Don't you think it's, like,
a little bit weird, though,

that everyone on the planet
knows but your boyfriend?

- Seriously, Eli, who was that?

- Okay, well, I was doing the hula, so.

- I mean, it's a little strange, right?

- Okay.

They used to call me the jackal.

All right, so I got a nose job.

Are you happy now?

- All right, I give up,
what rhymes with hula?

- Wow, the jackal.

That's brutal.

- You're being a jerk.

- Yeah, but I'm being an honest jerk,

so that counts for something, I think.

(all laughing)

- Oh, wait, shh, you hear that?

That's the sound of you
not getting laid tonight.

(all laughing)

- Oh, that's wonderful.

Did you guys hear that?

That was the sound of
Jackie being a bitch.

Did you guys hear that?

- Yeah, I did hear that.

- [Jackie] Well, what do you want from me?

- I don't know.

How about a little honesty, you know.

- Oh, come on.

You know what?

The self-pity bus stops right
in front of my building, pal.

Don't miss it.

- Oh yeah.

Well, maybe I'll get on the
self-pity bus, you know,

maybe I'll get a transfer.

- Okay, you know what?

Can we get out of here

before they start looking like my parents?

- Fine with me.

- All right.

Your place?

- Yeah, okay.

We can take one.
- Oh, hey, hey.

Was that Tallulah Bankhead?

- No, no.

Rula Lenska.

- Rula Lenska.

Who the fuck is Rula Lenska?

(gentle upbeat music)

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, you're tickling me.

- Guess they made up.

- Hope she paid for Scotchgard.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Mm.

Oh, don't do that.

Ooh, not right now.

(gentle upbeat music)

(car engines revving)

- Like when people say, ex
cetera, instead of et cetera.

What is that, ex cetera?

Crazy.

Oh, my favorite is, "For
all intensive purposes."

That's like nuts.

It's like, you know what,
where'd you go to school?

Are you sure you don't want a sandwich?

I mean, I don't know how
you could eat that food.

No offense, but Jackie
can't cook for shit.

No wonder Brett's losing weight.

- Hey, hey, hey Hollywood News.

Where's your section?

- Oh, no, you don't have to.

- Oh, come on, please.

- It's embarrassing.

God, I mean it's.

Here, that's it right there.

But don't.

- Look at that, "Police Blotter.

"Edited by Eli Wyckoff."

- Yeah, I don't want you to.

- "Juan A. Mass, 35, arrested
early Sunday for DUI.

"Blood alcohol level was 2.1 when suspect

"was apprehinded by LAPD."

- What?

- It says, "Apprehinded."

- [Eli] No, it doesn't.

It's, "Apprehended."

- It says, "Apprehinded."

- Oh, my God.

Shit.

- To apprehind, that's when, what,

they grab the guy on the ass?

- Goddamn.

I proofread this like a million times.

Oh, God.

- Relax.

- Fuck.

- Do you know what you need?

- Yeah, a new job, apparently.

- No, no, no, no.

You need a drink.

A drink.

A real drink.

Do you have any vodka?

- I don't know.

Is this vodka?

I've had it since like 1947.

- [Tom] All right, do
you have Martini glasses?

- [Eli] Those are my Martini glasses.

And my juice glasses.

And my water glasses.

- All right, never mind.

They'll do.

I am going to introduce you

to the wonderful world of Martinis.

(gentle upbeat music)

(vodka bubbling)

(gentle upbeat music)

(vodka bubbling)

(gentle upbeat music)

(glasses clanking)

(telephone ringing)

No, no, no.

Screen, screen.

- No, no, let me get it.

- Come on, come on let the machine get it.

You know what, I bet you can't do it.

- I can do it.

- I dare you.

(telephone ringing)

- All right.

- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this
is Eli, leave a message.

- I got to get that
piece-of-shit machine fixed.

- [Ellen] Eli, this is Dr. Wyckoff,

there's something wrong with your machine.

- Who's that, your shrink?

- No, it's my mom.

- You refer to her as.
- It took her 12 years

to get her Ph.D.

She likes to hear herself say it, okay.

Now move.

- No.

- No, come on.

Move.

I'm serious.

It's not funny.

- Eli, I was just reading

the New England Journal of Medicine.

And there's a pull-out section

on the new TSE, Testicular Self-Exam

and how to make it part of your lifestyle.

- My god.

- This guy did the.
- Do you want to try it?

- No.

Come on.

God damn it.

I can't believe she.

- I faxed the diagram over to your office.

I put your name all over it.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.

Don't listen.

- You know what?

- Don't listen.

- The hues just hit you right in the face.

You may want to give yourself
an exam while I read aloud.

- I think we should do this exam together.

- Okay.

- Okay, let's take a deep breath together.

(Tom exhaling)

Okay, start by lifting the penis

to one side.
- It's not funny.

Oh, my God.

- Slowly roll the testicle
between the thumb and fingers,

applying slight pressure.

- Ow.

- Hello, mom, it's me.

- [Ellen] Who?

- Eli.

- Eli, oh, well, are we screening?

- Yeah, no, I wasn't,
actually, we just got in.

- We, mm-hmm.

What does that mean?

- [Eli] Can I call you back?

- [Eli Voiceover] Do we have company?

- Yes.

(Ellen laughing)

- [Ellen] Jewish?

- No, but.

- Cute?

- [Eli] Will you stop?

- Wear a condom.

- Oh, God, mom, no.

It's not like.

- Did you hear the stuff about the TSE?

Did you hear what I was talking about?

- Yeah, yeah, we both did.

Thanks.

- Maybe you could both
do it together then.

Nothing wrong with helping each other

with a testicular exam.

- Mom.

- [Ellen] Don't be shy.

- I got to call you later, okay?

- Wait, honey, please,
hold on for a second.

Call me tomorrow morning
between 6:50 and seven.

- Good-bye.

God.

I feel so dirty.

- So why does it matter if I'm Jewish?

- You heard that?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, my God.

I am going to go to the bathroom now

and hope to god that
I can overdose on tums

or Maalox or pine-scented glade.

I'm so embarrassed.

- Don't be.

It wasn't that bad.

Really.

It was funny, actually.

(Tom laughing)

- Will you please call mom for me?

I cannot talk to her.

The woman stopped having boundaries

when she stopped wearing a bra.

And the fact that I know that, ew.

- I know, it's scary.

- Does she pull that shit with you?

- Are you kidding?

She wanted me to tape my first time

for her professional evaluation.

- And?

- I'm not telling you.

(Rayna laughing)

- Oh, God, and did I tell you
she just sent me this article

about circle jerks in the new safe sex.

- Can you believe I thought circle jerks

was a figure skating term?

- Well, you know, it is.

With the male figure skaters.

(Rayna laughing)

Will you please call her for me please.

I cannot talk to her.

- You know, you can't fight it.

And the more you try to avoid her,

the more she's gonna insist on meeting.

What's your new boyfriend's name?

- Tom.

And he's not my boyfriend.

- Whatever.

- I don't know what the hell he is.

- What do you want him to be?

- What?

No.

Yeah.

It's like I no, no, I just wish I knew

one way or the other.

- Okay, put the bong down, space cowboy.

He's your fucking
boyfriend, just like I said.

(gentle upbeat music)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle upbeat music)

- [Tom] Eli.

- Oh, hey.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ When you said to me ♪

♪ You are not so old ♪

♪ Did I know it then ♪

♪ 'Cause I had just been told ♪

♪ I didn't think I'd find you ♪

♪ Perfect in so many ways ♪

♪ But I've been waiting ♪

♪ Waiting ♪

- What is it with you and nudity?

- Nothing.

But that movie was pandering.

- It was an art film.

- Yeah the art of guys with six pack abs

blowing each other every chance they get.

And every gay guy in L.A.
is like, "Run, don't walk."

- And the problem with that is?

- Christ, you may as
well stay home and watch

"The Hand That Rocks My
Ladle" or, "Pocahoncho."

At least those movies don't pretend to be

something that they're not.

- You have those?

Pop them in.

- Oh, God.

See, you're part of the problem.

Let me get this straight.

You think that a movie about two guys,

it can't be about love, just sex?

- Those guys were in love.

Granted, it was a special kind of love.

The kind of love that required latex.

- Oh, my God.

You know what, never mind.

I cannot have this argument with a guy

who never saw, "Gone with the Wind."

what is that?

- God, would you relax, huh?

You're going to give yourself an aneurysm.

- You are infuriating.

You you don't have to.

- Do you want me to stop?

- No.

Mm.

Man, you always smell so good.

(gentle music)

- Okay, there you go.

So Saturday is tennis, right?

There must be an open
on Australia, British,

Pakistani, right?

- Is something wrong?

- What?

No, no, I just want to
watch TV, that's all.

- Huh.

That's okay.

Whatever, I get it.

- Get what?

- Same as usual.

The whole come-here-go-away routine.

- What, do you want me
to keep massaging you?

I will, but I got to tell you,

this isn't exactly the
way to get me to want to.

- No, Tom, it's actually
fine, you know, it's just,

you're not attracted to me,
you want to just be friends,

I can handle that.

But then stop fucking
calling me and inviting me

to see semi-porn on a Saturday afternoon.

And then drag me back to my house

and start rubbing my shoulders

and expect me to be like,
"Hey, buddy, thanks a lot.

"I'll see you around."

- What is so wrong with
taking things slow, huh?

Why does it always have to
be all or nothing with you?

- I don't know.

- All right, fine.

Then maybe we should
cool it off for a while.

No, I like you, I do.

- Thank you.

- It's just, I want to have a good time.

That's all.

I don't want to make this intense thing.

And you seem to want this,

I don't know, I don't know.

What do you want?

(gentle upbeat music)

- Eggs, actually.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Whatever.

(door thudding)

(fridge door thudding)

- Remember cooties?

Don't touch the losers or you get cooties.

And who are the losers?

Easy.

Anybody with a hard-boiled
egg in their lunch bag.

Well, I don't think Tom liked
what I had in my lunch bag.

- [Actor] What about sex?

I mean, people do have sex.

- [Actress] Sex is the
logical outgrowth of.

- Eli, let it out.

- No, you know, I don't
want to talk about it.

- Cop-out.

- Why do you feel the
need to beat yourself up?

- Why won't you let us into the now?

- Why do I feel like I'm in
a cheesy '70s est seminar?

- Good.

How else do you feel?

- Would you like us to
bring out the feel wheel?

- You know what, no.

I would actually like it if
you would just leave me alone

for a little while.

(insects chirping)

- Let me in.

I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm your friend.

What is wrong?

- I'm fine, okay.

- I don't think so.

(insects chirping)

- It's this guy.

- I knew it.

- He has this reputation
for being sort of easy.

- Mm-hmm.

- Not with me.

With me, it's hard.

- Or not hard maybe that's the problem.

(Ellen laughing)

Okay.

(Ellen laughing)

Oh, Eli.

What is this?

- [Narrator] A closeted
gay teacher is outed

by a former student on the
night of the Academy Awards

in the ground-breaking
comedy starring Kevin Kline.

- I hate this film.

David, come in here,

you won't believe what
they're showing again.

What a piece-of-shit film, honestly.

Like we're supposed to
believe this, look at this,

they're showing it again.

- They showed it last week.
- That this woman's

gonna fall in love with a
middle-aged, homophobic,

self-hating teacher who's
only now discovered he's gay.

- We hated this movie.
- I don't think so.

- Change the channel.
- Change the channel.

Fuck you.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

(Jackie laughing)

- Hi.

- Hi, sunny.

- Mm.

Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

(gentle music)

But right now the thought of
food makes me want to borch.

Pretty picture to wake up to, huh?

- Well, A, I can't imagine
waking up to any other picture.

And, B, I don't ever want to have to.

- What is this?

- It's your capers.

I know how you like 'em on the side.

(Jackie laughing)

I got a special.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(Jackie laughing)

Oh, shit.

- Huh?
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, of course I'll marry you.

(Brett laughing)

It's just that now
everybody's going to think

we're doing it because I'm pregnant.

(gentle music)

- You're kidding me.

Are you kidding me?

(both laughing)

- Holy.

Oh my God.

Oh, my God.

Mm.

Mr. Preggers.

(Jackie laughing)

Mr. Preggers.

Wake up, Mr. Preggers.

- We should have never fooled around.

- I know.

Why don't you have some more wine?

- What can I say?

He doesn't make me weak in the knees.

- Please.

That is exactly why
you should be with him.

I mean, the ones that make you dizzy

are only good for a quick fuck.

The rest are marriage material,

like Brett.

- That is exactly what I'm afraid of.

Wait, what?

(gentle music)

Wow.

Wow, that was fast.

- Well, tick-tock, you know?

(Jackie laughing)

- You're crazy.

- I want you to be my man of honor.

- There's no such thing.

- So?

You're my best friend.

I couldn't even imagine
anybody else by my side.

And your first duty as my personal slave

is to pretend to love it.

- Fine, fine, fine.

- Thanks.

I love you.

(gentle music)

♪ I've been walking backwards lately ♪

♪ To see if I could find you ♪

- It's Jackie again.

Hello.

Where are you?

Call me back stat.

♪ Imagine you falling asleep ♪

♪ Watching TV in the den ♪

(gentle music)

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

♪ Talk about everything ♪

- [Tom Voiceover] Hi, this is Tom.

Leave a message or don't.

(machine beeping)

- This is the bride-to-be.

I really wouldn't mind having

my best friend around right now,

being that it's the most
important time of my life.

But, hey, maybe that's
just too much to ask for.

♪ Anything just to see your face again ♪

♪ And just to make you smile ♪

(gentle music)

♪ And set me free ♪

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

♪ Well, that'd be the sweetest thing ♪

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

(gentle music)

♪ To me ♪

(gentle music)

(insects chirping)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle upbeat music)

(insects chirping)

(gentle upbeat music)

(footsteps tapping)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Turn his head and run ♪

♪ And don't look back ♪

♪ 'Cause I fear there is
nothing left to say to you ♪

♪ That you want to hear,
that you want to know ♪

♪ I think I should go ♪

♪ The things I've done
are way too shameful ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

(gentle music)

- Freeze.

(camera shutter clicking)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle upbeat music)

(door thudding)

(gentle upbeat music)

- Jack, Jack, pick up, it's me.

Jackie, please pick up.

All right, well, I met someone.

Apparently.

Fuck.

Listen, Jack, I'm really sorry

I haven't returned your calls.

I've been a shit, all right,

and it's me, it's not you.

Like you don't know that.

(gentle upbeat music)

Jack, I really, really need
to talk to you, all right,

I'm freaking out here.

Oh, Jesus, this guy has the
number eight tattooed on his.

Wait.

Correction, it says, "Eighth Wonder."

Okay, yeah.

You know, I really know how to pick 'em.

Jack, please call me back.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Open your eyes and look at me.

No, I don't think I will kiss you.

Although you need kissing badly.

(gentle upbeat music)

If the right moment ever came.

- You're a conceited, black-hearted,
varmint, Rhett Butler,

and I don't know why I
let you come and see me.

- I'll tell you why, Scarlett.

The war can't last much longer.

- Really, Rhett.

Why?

- [Rhett] There's a little
battle going on right now

that ought to.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Tom] How have you been?

(birds chirping)

- Okay.

- Good.

Listen.

- [Eli] What?

- Well, what I was gonna say was

I've been procrastinating

about this whole wedding thing.

I mean, I haven't gotten a
gift for Jackie's shower yet.

I guess I'm in denial.

- I'm sure it's not the first time.

- Yeah, right.

- You know, Tom, I guess
I never got the email,

you know, that our cooling-off
period was officially over.

And, frankly, I'd like to renew my option.

- Yeah.
- Bye.

Fuck.

(telephone ringing)

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

- [Eli Voiceover] Hi, this is Eli.

Leave a message.

(machine beeping)

- Yeah, it's Tom again.

Listen, I'm all for

keeping things casual.
- Now he's all over me,

now he's fucking all over me.

That's just great.
- But that doesn't mean

we can't go out and buy a
baby gift together, does it?

- I hate people like this.

- I know.

- They play this game.

Once you decide to play it, too,

they don't wanna play it anymore.

I mean, what the fuck is that?

- Yeah.

You know, I'm starting to
think that's all there is

out there anymore.

- Well, that's wrong.

- Nope.

No, here's what I think.

I think who I am, you
know, what I've been,

not working so much anymore.

From now on, there's going
to be a whole new Eli.

The whole love thing, I don't buy it.

- Well, how come it works for me?

- Oh, my God, you are so full of shit.

It doesn't work for you.

You fall in love with a
different person each week.

- My point exactly.

- No, no, no, you fall in love

with the idea of being in love,

with a married man to, what, like,

experience the rush of
breaking up a family?

Now you fall in love with a
deaf guy to learn sign language?

- Well, I did.

- Okay, honey, this does not
constitute sign language.

(Rayna laughing)

And then with a woman just
to piss off mom and dad.

- Okay, how much did that backfire?

That's the year that they decided to run

for co-president of P-flag.

- You know what?

From now on, it's just going to be

one-night stands, casual sex,

just a lot of close friends.

- You sound pathetic.

- No, you know what?

For the first time in my life,

I think I actually make sense.

- Great.

Glad to help you through
the pain, bye-bye.

- Bye.

I'll call you later.

- Yeah, will you tell that
other Eli to give me a call?

This one sucks.

(telephone ringing)

If that's him, you're not going shopping.

(telephone ringing)

(door thudding)

- Okay, FYI, the only reason I'm here

is because your whole,
tires got slashed, story

was so much more believable

than the first messages you left me.

- Personally, I thought I had you

with the tickets to, "X Files On Ice."

(car horns honking)

- I already saw it.

- I always wanted one when I was a kid.

Surprising, huh?

- Oh, my God, I had so many dolls.

- My dad would have killed me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- My house was like a free-for-all.

My sister had all these Barbies and Kens,

and my parents made me play with them.

- Your parents forced
you to play with dolls?

- Oh, it was just so I could learn

the names of all the body parts.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Pick whichever doll you like.

- It's your choice.

They're all beautiful.

Good.

Now switch.

(gentle upbeat music)

- What do you call this?

- Vagina.

- Yes, vagina.

Good, Rayna.

Eli, vagina.

- Vagina.

Now say it like you mean it, va-gi-na.

- Vagina.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- I always thought Ken was gay.

- He was when I got through with him.

That's another story.

- You know, you and Ken
together, it's strangely erotic.

- Well, we have been
known to do private shows,

if you're interested.

- Not today.

- Okay.

- Hello, there, Eli, I'm
Fuzzy Wuzzy the bear.

Jackie would love this bear.

♪ Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear ♪

♪ Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair ♪

♪ Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he ♪

♪ Was he, was he, was
he, was he, was he? ♪

- Was he, was he.

Was he, was he, was he, was he, was he.

- That's what I said.

- No, no.

You said, was he?

It's, was he.

- What's the difference?

- You're kidding, right?

You just established that
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.

Why would you then ask, was he?

Like a question, like you didn't know

if he was fuzzy or not.

- It is a question.

I'm asking if fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy.

What is so wrong about that?

- It is a rhetorical question.

There's no answer to it.

It's supposed to be ironic.

"Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he."

(footsteps tapping)

(car engine revving)

- I don't think it's that
obvious if Fuzzy Wuzzy

was or wasn't fuzzy.

- It is the point of
the whole goddamn thing.

- Man, why are you so uptight?

No there always has to
be a right way with you

and a wrong way with you.

I mean, is that why you like being with me

So you can feel like
you're right all the time.

- What?

No.

Is that what you think?

- Alls I know is you have this rigid idea

of how I should be.

- Alls you know?

- Right, right I can't.

(car door thudding)

- Fuck.

- [Friend] Oh, boy, it's mine, mine, mine.

- I love this.

- [Friend] Well, enjoy it now, honey,

because in a month or so, you're
gonna be ripping the seams.

(all laughing)

- I'm gonna kill you.

(Rachel laughing)

- Rachel, could you shut the fuck up?

You're cackling like an idiot.

- Come on, Lizz, grab some bows

and help us with the rehearsal bouquet.

- Well, why do you want me to do it?

'Cause you think it's the only time

I'm ever going to get to hold one?

- Okay, Lizz, what time is therapy, hon?

Do they make house calls?

- That's really sweet.

Very supportive.

I'm taking my gift back.

- I'll make it, I'll make it.

- [Lizz] Thank you.

Nice person.

(door thumping)

- Wait, the door.

Get the door, get the door.

- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

- Is Jackie here?

- Hey, Jackie, did you forget
to pay some parking tickets?

(Jackie laughing)

- [Jackie] Hello.

- Are you Jackie gold?

- I'll be Jackie gold.

- [Jackie] I'm gonna kill you guys.

I can't believe you did this.

- Jackie, you have been a bad,
bad, bad girl, haven't you?

- [Friend] Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah.

(all laughing)

- Put that thing away.

(gentle upbeat music)

(all laughing)

(gentle upbeat music)

- Go ahead.

Great angle.

- Oh, oh, okay.

- Oh, my God.

You work that booty.

(all laughing)

- I love him.

- Uh-huh.

- This is it.

This is it.

(camera shutter clicking)

Okay, that is gonna be amazing.

- Enough with the pictures.

- That was great.

- Diana with the pictures.
- It was great.

One more.
- No.

(all laughing)

- Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

Ring.
- Okay.

- Okay wait, forget about the ring.

Can we talk about our friend the cop?

- [Diana] Oh, you mean
your future ex-husband?

- [Lizz] Please.

(all laughing)

- [Tom] So how long you been doing this?

- Too long.

(people speaking indistinctly)

(all laughing)

- [Jackie] Let's go, ladies.

- [Lizz] Let me ask you this.

How many of these gifts
can I take home with me?

- [Jackie] You're crazy.

- I wrap beautifully, though.

Don't you think we should share?

You don't even like mine.

Can I take it back?

- Excuse me one second.

- So, you know, I've
been kind of bad myself.

- You have?

(car tires screeching)

(car engine revving)

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Please forgive me if
I act a little strange ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ For I know not what I do ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

(door bell ringing)

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Feels like lightning
running through my veins ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Every time I look at you ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Every time I ♪

- Hey.

- Hey.

- How much do I owe you?

- 9.22.

- All right, why don't you keep that.

- Cool.

Thanks a lot.

Have a good night.

- You, too.

Thanks.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ And there's so much I want to say ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Want to tell you just
how good it feels ♪

(door bell ringing)

♪ When you look at me ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

Where did you find this?

- Internet.

(birds chirping)

- Thank you.

(birds chirping)

- I took it out of the box
so you could play with it.

- It came in a box?

The original box?

- Mm-hmm.

- Where is it?

- I tossed it, why?

(birds chirping)

Why?

- Never mind.

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

- And then it happened.

- What?

(gentle upbeat music)

- We went where no two men should ever go

without a prescription.

- Trust me.

You don't want the details.

- Are you nuts?

(Esther laughing)

At my age, the details are all I got.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

- [Tom] Take off your.

- [Eli] Ouch.

- [Tom] It's the remote.

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, a ♪

- [Tom] Let's not.

- [Eli] What?

That's the back of my leg.

- [Tom] Oh, sorry.

- [Eli] Kidding, I'm kidding.

- [Tom] That's funny.

That's funny.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Wait.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Don't you want to?

- You have a thingie?

(both laughing)

- Shut up, shut up.

- Thingie?

- You know what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ For I know not what I do ♪

(gentle music)

- Tom.

- Yeah?

- Look at me.

I love you.

- Oh, my God.

- I love you.

- Oh, my God.

(gentle music)

♪ Every time I look at you ♪

(gentle music)

(Tom sighing)

- I'm hungry.

- Yeah?

You like eggs?

Why don't I make us some eggs?

(birds chirping)

- Well yeah, I'm supposed
to meet my parents

at the country club for brunch.

Do you want to come?

(beads rattling)

(birds chirping)

Hey.

Hi, mom.

- Hi, sweetheart.

- Hey, dad.

- Tom.

- This is Eli.

- Hi, it's nice to meet you.

- Hello, Eli.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Well, why don't we all sit down?

Lydia and I can share a menu.

- I'll get another set up.

Do you guys want coffee
or juice or anything?

- Yeah, coffee with milk.

- Can I get a mimosa and
a coffee, and a water?

- You'll fill up on liquids, honey.

Save room for your meal.

- Leave him alone, Lydia.

- I wasn't criticizing him.

- He's obviously old
enough to please himself.

(Tom laughing)

- Yeah.

So, what have you guys been up to?

- Well, not much really.

We got back from Keenan on Friday.

And, oh, and then I took the
girls from my church group

to see, "The Phantom of the Opera."

- Oh, is that still running?

- It was Friday night.

- Right, right.

I didn't know.

- 75 bucks a shot, it's absurd.

It's like throwing money in the trash.

- [Lydia] It's theater, Jim.

- It's trash, Lydia.

- All right, all right.

But how was it up in Keenan?

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

- What?

What's wrong?

- Now's not the time, honey.

- So, there's a right
time to ask about Amy?

(birds chirping)

- Stupid.

- Excuse me.

- You heard me, Lydia.

- You talk to me like that,
you'll see what you get from me.

(both laughing)

- Is that a threat, Lydia?

- Dad, could you not?

- Shut up, Tom.

- [Lydia] Oh, that's rich.

- Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

- Let go of me.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Get your hands off me.

- I told you.

- You always do this.

You always pull a scene.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

- Let's go.

(people speaking indistinctly)

- Tom, Tom, the valet's that way.

- I'm not ready.

If you wanna go, I'll take a cab.

(footsteps tapping)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(lighter clicking)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(birds chirping)

- It's a nice club.

You think if I were half-Jewish,

they'd let me halfway in the pool?

(birds chirping)

(people speaking indistinctly)

I'm really sorry.

(birds chirping)

- You didn't do anything.

(birds chirping)

- Who's Amy?

(birds chirping)

- She's my sister.

- What?

I didn't know you had a sister.

- Okay.

I have a sister Amy.

She lives up north at a
special needs facility.

- Was she in an accident?

- No, no, FAS.

Do you know what that is?

Fetal alcohol syndrome.

Any other questions?

- Hey, pal, I'm on your side, remember?

- I don't want anyone
on my side, remember?

You think just because we
fucked, that makes us a we?

I didn't ask for this,
for you, so just stop.

- You called me, remember,
so make up your fucking mind.

- How many ways do you need to be told

to leave me the fuck alone?

(birds chirping)

- You know what, asshole?

Just one.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

- Alls I know.

All I know

is if I wasn't loaded half the time,

I probably wouldn't be in this mess.

- Don't you feel like the older you get,

the less you really know about anything?

- Absolutely.

I don't know shit.

People think just because
I managed to make it to 60

without getting a Colombian necklace

or run over by a UPS truck

that I have the answers
to life's questions.

- Great, great.

So there's no hope.

- Ah, don't do that.

See, I'm not that deepshak Oprah

or whatever the hell he calls himself,

who tells you, you believe in yourself,

you can do anything.

Pish.

Alls I know is you keep your
two eyes on your own paper

and both hands on the wheel.

And a multivitamin can't hurt.

(Eli laughing)

- So I guess the lesson
is the same with booze,

as it is with guys,
wanting it and having it,

totally not the same thing.

I'll be right back, bathroom.

(water splashing)

(paper crunching)

Hey.

- Sometimes I think you
can want it and have it.

And then, what happens now?

- Now?

Oh, what do you mean, about
Eli being at the wedding?

- No, that's not what I meant.

- Oh, wait, wait.
- No, no, you wait a minute.

You made me wait too long.

You think too much, buddy.

- Told you, negative.

- [Esther] Great.

(Eli laughing)

- So I guess that's it.

- It's nice meeting you.

- Oh, you're gonna be seeing
a lot more of me, you'll see.

You know, now that I'm off relationships

and just doing one-night stands.

- Oh yeah, sure.

(Esther laughing)

Take a condom.

(Esther laughing)

Used to put candy in this.

- Anyway, I'm sorry I talked your ear off.

- Oh please.

It's better than a
fucking movie, sweetheart.

(both laughing)

Oh, don't you need a parking validation?

- Oh, God, right.

Thank you.

Thanks.

(telephone ringing)

- Oh, wait a second, hon.

Feedback clinic, this is Esther.

Oh, hi, honey.

How you doing?

What?

No, what?

Go ahead, ask me.

Well, I'm not a mind reader.

You ever seen me

on the fucking psychic
friends network channel?

So what?

All right.

Would you just shut up for a minute?

Okay, so don't tell me.

- Trust me, Esther, one-night stands.

- It's all black and
white for you, isn't it?

- What?

- I have been married to
that putz for 42 years.

The strongest, healthiest
man all his life.

And all of a sudden he
gets sick, lung cancer.

He never smoked a day in his life.

Pretty fucking ironic, isn't it?

He's even got someone taking
care of him in the afternoon,

just like a little boy.

But he's dying.

And if I stop hawking
him and giving him shit,

and calling him an asshole,

he'll know he's dying.

So I don't stop.

Plus, he is an asshole,

so that's a bonus.

(gentle music)

- So I've got my grandmother's ring.

That's old and borrowed.

And Rachel got me that blue thong.

- Ooh, hoochie floss.

- You got something else
that's new and blue?

- Oh, actually, yeah, I do.

- Holy shit, Tom, what happened?

- Bad date.

- What did you do, pick
him up on the street?

- Worse, AA.

Apparently, he uses sex
to work through anger,

which is fine when you're
not quite that angry.

- What am I gonna do with you?

- I smell a lecture.

- Fuck you, Tom.

Okay, you blow off a great guy
Who by the way doesn't hit,

because he made the tragic
mistake of falling for you.

And instead you're doing
Ike and Tina Turner

with some asshole from AA.

- Well, you know, at least
he's not at Williams-Sonoma

registering for a commitment ceremony.

- You're right.

You're right, Eli is such a loser.

I'm going home.

(footsteps tapping)

(gentle upbeat music)

- Holy shit.

(gentle upbeat music)

- What's the matter?

- What?

Nothing.

- Bullshit.

Why aren't you getting dressed?

- I'm nervous about seeing Tom
at the wedding, that's all.

(Brett laughing)

- See, only you could turn my wedding day

into the Eli Wyckoff show, you know that.

- I'm sorry, okay, believe me,

nobody can hate me as much as I do.

- Oh, my God.

You know, you have to change
the fucking record, man.

You have to stop.

You cannot make this
be the be-all, end-all

of your entire life.

- I'm not.

- Yeah, that's exactly what you're doing.

Let me tell you something.

Love, right, it's gonna come up,

and it's just gonna whack
you on the back of the head

before you even know what hit you.

- I don't believe that.

- What are you talking,

that's what happened to me and Jackie.

- Yeah, well, you and Jackie were lucky.

- You know, you're so,
you're unbelievable.

I was miserable before I met her,

and it just happens, you know.

I mean, you're a fucking amazing guy.

- You don't have to do this.

Don't do.

- Please shut up.

You're a great guy, you know.

I mean, if I were into guys,

we'd be in China right
now picking out a baby.

Thank god I'm not, but,

I'm kidding, you know I love the gays.

- And we appreciate it.

- [Mitch] Guys.

- [Brett] Mitch.

- I don't know if it's just me,

but I'm loving this tux.
- You like the tux?

- Loving it.

- Mitch, remember how we
discussed the Ritalin situation?

(birds chirping)

Just please put on your pants.

Or get a tan.

- Get doubles.

I want all of these.

- Oh, yeah.

When my sister got married,
the best pictures were,

like, from the Instamatics.

- Your sister got married?

- Yes.

- Jesus, fuck, what is my problem?

I'm like man poison.

Fucking penis raid.

Whatever.

- Okay, girls

How do I look?

- Oh, my God.

You look like a movie star.

- Really?

- Yes.
- Totally.

- Seriously.

- Oh, Christ.

In a million years, I never thought I'd be

wearing white this soon.

- Yeah, well, you shouldn't be,

unless you want me to call the pope

and tell him it happened again.

(all laughing)

- Hey, I would have worn the cream one,

except for it made me
look like a Jenny Craig,

before picture.

- Are you crazy?

- Where's Tom?

- He's out on the patio.

I mean, he is a man, after all.

- [Jackie] What?

- Repellent, remember?

Gay or straight doesn't matter.

(all laughing)

- Hey, put that out.

You're killing my unborn child.

- I was aiming a little higher.

- Oh, nice.

What are you doing out here?

(birds chirping)

Oh, my God, Eli was stalking you?

That is so romantic.

- Well, not to me.

- Oh, oh, that's right, that's right,

but if he tried to kill you,

then you'd be picking out China patterns.

Hey, you all right?

(birds chirping)

- Yeah, yeah.

Just you're getting married,

I'm having abandonment issues.

(Jackie laughing)

- I'm just extending the family, babe.

- [Lizz] Jackie, let's go.

- We'll be right there.

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

Tom, I owe you an apology.

- For what?

- The way I've been
pressuring you about Eli.

I realize I've just
been trying to make you

like everybody else, and you're not.

And that's one of the
things I love about you.

You're the only guy I know
who will probably never find

that one person to settle down with,

and still be very happy.

I envy that.

- Jackie, get your ass in
here or I'm wearing the veil.

(Jackie laughing)

- We're coming.

But look at me.

Shit.

I'm, like, one step away
from den mother, PTA and,

"Hi, honey, I'm home."

How the fuck did that happen?

- I guess you fell in love.

- What?

Oh, no, no, no, I just got lipstick

all over every single one of my teeth.

How did I do that?

Hmm.

All right.

Well, it's show time.

- [Rabbi] You may exchange the rings.

- Wow, it's a nice one.

(gentle upbeat music)

- [Rabbi] Congratulations.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(glass crunching)

- [Guest] Mazel tov.

(guests applauding)

(gentle upbeat music)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle upbeat music)

- Eli.

Eli.

- Yeah?

- How how long are we going to have to

keep ignoring each other?

- What?

I'm not ignoring you.

Are you ignoring me?

- Come on, Eli.

You haven't returned
one of my phone calls,

and you've said maybe
words to me the entire day,

two of which were, Seafood Newburg.

- Which I have to say was repulsive.

(Tom laughing)

Can I get some more champagne?

Champagne?

- No.

Can I get a.

- Oh, that's right, I'm sorry.

Absolut Martini, straight up,
two olives, make it dirty.

- No, no.

Actually, seltzer with lime, please.

(gentle upbeat music)

- What?

So now you're not drinking?

(gentle upbeat music)

Wow.

Good for you.

- Thanks.

I sort of had to.

I was slipping in the polls.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Yeah, well I, on the other hand,

need some more champagne.

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ She treats me right ♪

♪ Is it a big surprise ♪

♪ She won't do anything
that she says she would ♪

♪ She makes me feel great ♪

♪ She makes me feel good ♪

- Look, Eli, I'm sorry I didn't.

- You know what?

Let's not do any of that,

I'm sorry it didn't work
out, postmortem stuff, okay.

- Okay.

(both laughing)

- Besides, it will free up some
time to make fun of people.

Like Mitch, man of mystery,
teaching the rabbi the macarena.

What is this, 1987?

(Tom laughing)

- Did you see Brett's mom?

I've never seen a woman
with more hair on her back.

- I know.

I keep waiting for the Anti-fur
activists to storm in here

and throw paint on her.

(both laughing)

- Poor Brett and Jackie.

They have no idea what they've
gotten themselves into,

but they will Mark my words.

See, first, they'll only
hang out with other couples,

and then they'll start doing the we thing.

"Oh, we love this, and we hate that."

And ordering for each other, because,

"That's what we always have."

Before you know it, she'll be shopping

for lingerie at Bloomingdale's,

and Brett, the poor loser, will
be outside the dressing room

with her pocketbook in his lap.

(gentle upbeat music)

- Oh, my God.

You are so full of shit, you know that?

You got this bullshit, I
don't need anyone, thing,

and you use that,

thinking it's going to shield you

from the fact that your
parents were drunks,

had a lousy marriage, and fucked
up everyone in their lives.

But it's your life now, not theirs.

And what do you have to show for it?

You're just another self-hating
recovering alcoholic

with nothing to live for but
a Martini and a blow job.

(gentle upbeat music)

(people speaking indistinctly)

- Eli.

Eli.

Hey.

Don't you dare sum me up.

You don't know the first thing about me.

- And that would be whose fault?

- Oh, God.

God.

You know what?

It's so easy for you, Mr. love
is a many-splendored thing.

But you know what?

I've seen it.

I've seen it.

My parents loved one another,
"'Til death do us part."

And believe me, it
practically came to that.

I mean, have you ever heard
the sound of two people

suffocating one another?

Have you?

Or the sound of ice cubes
smashing against the wall,

or a pot roast being
shoved down the disposal?

No.

How could you possibly,
with your touchy-feely,

I'm okay, you're okay, parents?

I'm sorry I'm bursting your little bubble,

but there are a million guys out there

who can give you what you want.

I'm just not one of them.

I'm sorry.

You do the math.

(footsteps tapping)

You know what?

Fuck you, if that's the
wrong use of that expression.

(gentle music)

(people speaking indistinctly)

(gentle music)

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

♪ That'd be the sweetest thing ♪

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

♪ I would do anything ♪

♪ If I could bring you back ♪

♪ To me ♪

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(footsteps tapping)

(gentle music)

- I just wanted to say before I go,

I'm sorry.

(gentle music)

I don't want you to leave here today

thinking that you can't do this

Being a.

Because you can.

(gentle music)

Tom, you are gonna meet someone

and you are gonna be so great at this.

And it's not gonna be like your parents,

and and it's not gonna
be like it was with me.

(gentle music)

Anyway,

I'll see you around.

- Eli.

- [Eli] What?

- What exactly do you want?

- What what do I?

- Yeah.

Yeah, you.

(gentle music)

- I wanted this to stop
being so fucking hard.

(gentle music)

I want to meet your sister.

(gentle music)

I want to be over this part, you know,

so that I can call you an asshole,

even when you're sick,

and you'd still know how much I love you.

- Eli.

- I don't know what you call that, Tom,

pocketbook-holding, suffocating, maybe.

But if I could ever have
anything even close to that.

- Shh.

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(gentle music)

(both laughing)

- So I'm gonna go, okay?

(both laughing)

Valet's got my car.

Got to.

- Hey, there you are.

Oh, Eli, hey.

- Hey.

- Should I or is,

is everything okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's up with the braid?

- Oh, Brett did it.

It's a long story.

Okay, I need to take a personal moment.

- What's the matter,
you're not having fun?

- Oh, I was 'til about minutes ago.

- What happened?

- I put my left foot in,
I put my left foot out,

I put my left foot in,
and then I threw up.

(all laughing)

- The baby?

- No, Brett's cousin Al bumped
his pokey into my hokey,

and I borched, all right.

I think Brett is the only
normal person in that family.

- Yeah.

- Okay, can we talk
about his brother Mitch?

Hello, Freaky Mcfreak.

- I know.

The guy wants to get
into Cirque Du Soleil.

I swear to you, he says he
can swallow his own leg.

(Jackie laughing)

- Well yo, what's up?

How are you doin'?

What am I missing?

- Oh, just a family resemblance,

and I love you for it.

- Okay.

I don't know what that means.

I'm really smashed.

I think I just made out with the rabbi.

Is that?

(Jackie laughing)

- He is hot.

- Is there gonna be dancing?

Are we gonna dance?

'Cause I promised the family

some hot man on man action tonight.

- You and me?

- No.

- I think he means me and you.

- Come on, guys, let's go.

It's gonna be fun.

Come on, sweetheart.

Oh, look at that ass.

A little something like that,

or if you want, we could do '80s style.

No?

Come on, stuff like that,

and then maybe a little uh.

You know what I'm saying?

- Ow, ow.

You're stepping on my foot.

- How was that replaced hip I got.

- How hot does this broad look tonight?

- [Tom Voiceover] So I meant
to tell you, I finally saw,

"Gone with the Wind."

- [Eli Voiceover] And?

- [Tom Voiceover] And and I loved it.

- [Eli Voiceover] Oh, thank God.

- [Tom Voiceover] See, I think
Scarlett realizes in the end

that it was just fear
holding her back from the guy

that she wanted to, you
know, hold her pocketbook.

(both laughing)

- [Eli Voiceover] Yeah.

- [Tom Voiceover] And the
thing about Rhett Butler.

- [Eli Voiceover] Yeah?

- [Tom Voiceover] He
wasn't very fuzzy, was he?

♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

♪ And we're gonna stay together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ It's the least I can do ♪

♪ Just to make you my baby ♪

♪ No words could describe ♪

♪ Oh, pinch me, I'm dreamin' ♪

♪ Your hair's long and black ♪

♪ As it lays 'cross my pillow ♪

♪ When I stare in your eyes ♪

♪ I get lost in your glory ♪

♪ I'll never leave ♪

♪ Oh, you want me to
but that's all right ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

♪ Dry all the tears ♪

♪ And we're gonna stay
together for a million ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

♪ I'm gonna dry your tears ♪

♪ Dry all the tears ♪

♪ And we're gonna stay together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

(gentle upbeat music continues)

♪ If the silence doesn't kill you ♪

♪ Then illusion will ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ And you're starin' at the sky ♪

♪ But the moon ain't gonna pay our bills ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ And we're laughin' bout it loud ♪

♪ When, oh, you know it ain't no joke ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ You seem them cake
the roads with glitter ♪

♪ Trade your dreams for smoke ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Teardrops in the treetops ♪

♪ The wind is whistlin'
through the mountain's teeth ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ A song for every wounded dove ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ But we're out further ♪

♪ Than the rainbow's edge ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Going down, down to the roots of love ♪

(gentle upbeat music)