All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S05E15.Adam.Spielberg.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
Back in the '80s, I grew up
at the movie theater.

There was nothing
I loved more
than escaping

into the wonder
of the big screen.

The lights, the sound,
the snacks, it was magic.

What I loved
more than anything
was seeing a new movie

from my all-time favorite
director, Steven Spielberg.

In fact, I didn't
just want to see his movies,

I wanted to live them.

Stop playing
with your food, moron.

I'm not playing!
It's from Close Encounters.

There's your close encounter.
Now, eat!

ADULT ADAM:
My favorite movie geek hobby

was re-creating
all his classics.

Yo.
Gahh!

In this case, E.T.

Then one day, I came across
something so legendary,

it would take my Spielberg
obsession to the next level.

Psst. Nerd.
Girl nerd.

I got your hookup.

Really? Let me see it.

What the hell's happening?
Shh! Be cool.

Johnny's
my bootleg VHS dealer.

You name it, I'll get it.

ADULT ADAM:
Back before everything
was on YouTube,

cult videos
were passed around
like contraband,

and Johnny Atkins
had all the goods.

And the
piece de resistance...

What I saw next
would change my life forever.

That year,
two kids from Jersey

made a shot-for-shot
re-creation

of Raiders
of the Lost Ark.

Turns out, there were other
Spielberg fanatics out there,

and their homemade masterpiece
made me feel

like anything was possible!

I thought this was
the stuff of geek legend,

but it's real.

Whoa, the guys
are super hot.

Your lady really has a type.
I feel sad for her.

Know what?
If these kids can remake
Raiders in the basement,

maybe it's time
I take the leap.

If my dream
is to become a Spielberg,

I've got to
write and direct

my own original
Indiana Jones story.

If you need a butt double
for your movie,

you know where to find me.

ADULT ADAM:
And so, I set off to write
my first actual movie script.

And to my surprise,
it was fun as hell!

Whatcha doing, boofaloo?

Writing a script.

Yay!

So, what's the name
of your big, fancy new movie?

Let's see...
Indiana Jones and the

Thunder

Glove

of the Prime

Mutant!

That's it!

Indiana Jones and the Thunder
Glove of the Prime Mutant.

It writes itself!

You looked around the room,

and you came up
with a title!

It was March 7th,
1980-something,

and my dad and Pops
were having

the most important
Philadelphia debate...

Who makes
the best cheesesteak?

It's Geno's!
Come on, it's Pat's!

It's Geno's!
It's Pat's!

You're making a fool
of yourself.

Hey! What's
all the yelling about?

This old putz thinks

Geno's makes a better
cheesesteak than Pat's.

Guys, relax.

Pat's and Geno's
sell the same exact thing

right across the street
from each other.

They're both fine,
but not the best.

If you say Jim's Steaks,
you no longer have a home.

Jim's is down the block,
Barry!

It's not even
on cheesesteak row!

I'm not saying
it's Jim's, Pat's, or Geno's.

The best Philly cheesesteak
isn't even in Philadelphia.

ADULT ADAM: In Philly,
that was blasphemy.

What are you saying?
What's he saying, Murray?

I don't know.

It was early December.

I was on my way to watch
the Flyers play the Devils

in New Jersey.

Stop!

There's no cheesesteak story
that ends in Jersey.

But there is.

I took the wrong off-ramp
and got lost.

As night fell,
I grew desperate and hungry.

And then,
like a cheesy beacon of hope,

I saw a lone sandwich shop
glowing in the darkness.

Stop. just tell us the name
of the sandwich shop already.

That's the thing.

I was so overwhelmed
by the flavor

that I didn't get a chance

to look up
from my poppy-seed kaiser roll

to get a name.

Poppy-seed kaiser roll
on a cheesesteak?

It can't be done!

Oh, they did it.

It was the poppiest
of rolls,

combined with
the whizziest of cheeses.

It was like eating

the sweet butt meat
of an angel in...

Hey! I'm still talkin'!

I didn't finish
my awesome true story!

Well,
we know how it ends.

With you being a giant moron,
you moron.

No! I hate it
when you call me a moron.

I only call you a moron
'cause you act like a moron.

So it's on you.

Then, it's my life mission
to find this Jersey oasis

and take you there.

And when you eat the greatest
steak sandwich of your life,

I will prove you wrong,

and you shall never
call me a moron again.

And what happens when I hate
this imaginary sandwich?

Then I'll accept
once and for all
that I'm truly a moron.

No, you won't.
Oh, I will.

In fact, if I'm wrong,

I will legally change my name
to "Moron."

Okay, I'll take that deal.

My crusade for
the Hoagie Grail begins now.

ADULT ADAM:
While my brother was preparing
for his cheesesteak quest,

I was prepping my shot list
to bring my script to life.

Look what I found
and immediately read.

Oh! My Indy script?
How'd you get this?

I hid it under my mattress
and sleeping body.

Well, you may not know this,

'cause you're
a very deep sleeper,

but every night
at 1:00a.m. sharp,

I lead you to the bathroom
to make a pishy.

I did not know that.

Well, point is,
I found it

when I moved
your unconscious body,

and this, for sure,
will be our calling card.

I'm sorry. "Our"?

To be clear,
I'm making this movie
on my own.

Of course.

I'll just be there
to watch

and, also, help you.

You only want to help me
for selfish reasons.

Me

Me

Selfish.
You only want to help me

so, if I become
a real director,

you can say
it's all 'cause of you.

Well, that's the truth,
so why wouldn't I say it?

Mom, someday, if I'm ever
in charge of a sound stage,

there is no way you're setting
foot anywhere near it.

You cannot deny
my love and support, Adam.

Mark my words.

One day, I will make
everyone who works for you

very uncomfortable
with my intrusive energy.

And mark my words.
I'm doing this on my own.

In fact,
I'm already in the process

of locking down
my cast and crew.

ADULT ADAM:
Okay, I exaggerated,

but this awesome flyer
was sure to lock 'em down!

And that's
how movies are made.

But while I was looking
for a crew,

Barry was in search
of answers.

And that's how you prove
you're no moron.

ADULT ADAM:
He said, making the most
moronic flyer of all time.

What's with the flyer,
Goldberg?

I made this life-changing bet
with my dad, and I can't lose.

Blood feud
with the old man, huh?

I didn't talk to Coach Senior
for six years

until we finally
arm-wrestled it out.

He won.
But I let him.

No, my thing's
not weird.

I just have to legally change
my name to Moron

if I don't find
the best cheesesteak
in Philly.

But there's a catch.

It's not in Philly.

You know?

Oh, Coach knows.

If you need answers,
follow me.

ADULT ADAM: And with
those mysterious words,

Barry was one step closer
to the Hoagie Grail.

Wait.
The answer's in the gym?

Not in the gym,
Goldberg...

Under it.

ADULT ADAM: So, it
wasn't exactly the catacombs
from Last Crusade,

but this
dusty old storage room

held the answers
Barry needed most.

Cool!

Here. I believe
that's exactly
what you're looking for.

This is the place!

Such a regal name
for a glorious sandwich.

ADULT ADAM:
Donkey's Place,

a confusing name for a
cheesesteakery,
but, still...

The donkey is the most noble
of all work beasts.

Now, go.

Show your father
who the real moron is.

In my hand, I hold a map
on the back of the menu

that leads to the world's
greatest meat sandwich.

We're going tonight.

Don't argue!
Put on your pants and move!

Let's go.

Whoa. You got up so fast.
I didn't know
that was possible.

It's a win-win for me.

You see, either you're right

and I get the greatest
cheesesteak of all time,

or you're wrong and I get
the greatest gift of all,

you're a permanent moron.

Prepare to literally eat
those words.

To Donkey's in Camden!

ADULT ADAM:
Like Indiana Jones himself,

my brother suited up
for the ultimate crusade.

Just one problem,
Barry was behind the wheel.

This is
a living nightmare.

Should I take this exit?

No, don't take this exit.

Blinkers on.
I'm taking it.

I'm not lost.

I'm positive I'm not going
the right way.

I have a good feeling
about this unpaved road.

Oh, I gotta pee.
Hold it.

I got to go.
Hold it.

I got to go, Dad.

Hey, pelicans!
We're near the ocean.

Just drive me in.

BARRY: Uh-oh.
I left my wallet at home.

MURRAY: Of course
you did, moron!

Yo, bro.
We heard about your movie.

JTP wants in.

Seriously?
You want to be in it?

I was thinking
more cameraman.

Naked Rob's tired
of always being
objectified for his body.

Technically, you're the one
who gets naked, but, yes.

Can I be the prop guy?

You know,
everyone's always focused

on the characters
in the movie,

but I'm always, like,
"Where'd they get
that salt shaker?"

And I can be your gaffer.

That way, I can find out
what a gaffer is.

I guess
I could do whatever job

a handsome, charismatic guy
with a camera-friendly smile
would do.

You tell me.

Actually, I'm looking
for my Indiana Jones.

Me? I never would've
thought of that.

Can I help build sets
for your movie?

I have over eight years'
of stage crew experience.

Please, please, please.

Yo, nerd. I hear
you need a snake
for your badass movie.

I own six, so count me in
as animal wrangler.

I'll do costumes

'cause doing clothes
just for me
has gotten old.

Oh, wow.
This is coming together
incredibly fast.

All because
of one little flyer.

What flyer?
No, we read your script.

How'd you get my script?

Just read the first page!
I promise you'll fall in love!

Mom! No!

Leave the nice students
alone!

I thought I was clear!
No Mom on this movie.

No, you said
I couldn't be on set,

which is why I'm here,
acting as your agent.

But don't worry.

I'll take my 10%
in belly kisses. Ah-ah-ah-ah!

No! I don't need an agent.

Food. What about food?
Let Mama do the catering.

You know I can make
a lasagna so dens,
it can feed 62 people.

Fine! You can be
my craft-service lady,

but only 'cause a fed crew
is a happy crew.

But you're not to say
anything to anyone.

Oh, yay!
We're making a movie!

I mean,
you're making a movie.

I'm not making anything.

Except banana bread and
100 phone calls to my friends.

ADULT ADAM: Like always,
my smother couldn't stay away.

But there was
one family member
I happily welcomed on board.

I want in on your movie.

Wha... Seriously?

Geoff said it's a good script,
and that it's not just

your mouth-breathing
loser friends helping.
It's also real people.

I can't believe it!

Composing
for a minor motion picture

is gonna be huge
for my music career.
So, what do you say?

Yes!
I always knew one day

we'd collaborate
on something amazing.

Okay, I don't take notes,
and I'll call you
when I'm done.

And she's gone.

Concerning.

Don't be nervous, love bug.
Not nervous.

This is everything you've
ever hoped and dreamed about.

Now I'm nervous.

ADULT ADAM:
It was the first day
of my big movie.

The sets were built.
The cameras were loaded.

And I couldn't wait to call,
"Action!"

Holy balls!
Dan, this is unreal!

How'd you pull it off
so fast?

I melded together
the old sets

from The King and I,
Oklahoma,
and Damn Yankees.

Also, I have
a lot of spare time
on my hands

'cause I struggle socially.

And you can see it
in your work, pal.

Now, where's my actors?

Oh, wow!
You guys really look

just like
the real characters.

Are those the security tags
from Benetton?

No.

Uh, excuse me.
Trail mix?

Apple slices?
Little cup of tuna?

No thanks, craft service.

Now, please stay
in your designated area.

As you wish,
Director Goldberg.

Did you hear that,
everybody?

This squishy tushy monster

is in charge
of the whole enchilada.

Ignore the kooky food lady,
people!

Now, let's make a picture!

Yeah!
Right on.

ADULT ADAM:
As my adventure began,

my brother's crusade
had come to an end.

There it is!

ADULT ADAM: It was a long,
grueling journey,

but as Barry
gazed upon Donkey's,

shining like
a delicious beacon of hope,

he knew
it would all be worth it.

Nothing could stop him now.

Hey! Open up!

ADULT ADAM:
Unless they got there
too late.

Please, crusty old man!
Just one. One sandwich.

One.

But choose wisely.

ADULT ADAM:
It wasn't an immortal Templar,
but the pressure was still on.

Mmm, oh, yeah.

That's the good stuff
I remember.

I got to admit, not bad.

Unh, it's got
a little heat to it.

Whoa!
Coming on kinda strong.

It's fighting back
pretty hard.

Oh, that's a spicy punch
to the mouth.

Aah!
The biting is relentless!

Aah!
What the hell did
you put on this thing?

Something called
"Donkey Kick Sauce."
Ohh!

It was in
the condiment section,
but sounded special,

so I smeared it all over.

He chose poorly.

What the
is wrong with that guy?
No idea!

Give me the keys!
We're going home.

Oh, no!

It's not like
we lost the keys.

We know
exactly where they are.

ADULT ADAM:
While Barry and my dad
dealt with a spicy mess,

I was feeling cool
in the director's seat.

Or so I thought.

Hey.
I made the boulder

that's gonna roll down these
temple steps right for Indy.

Um, I think that should be,
like, ten times as big.

That makes sense.
Man, you're super good
at directing.

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, directing is,
like, really hard.

Okay, I'm back,
and I nailed it.

Oh! So, you want,
like, a big one.

Like... Like, not a rock,
but a boulder.

Okay, this one's smaller,
so that's on me.

ADULT ADAM:
And props were the least
of my problems.

Okay, time for the snake.
Where's my wrangler?

Bad news, bro.
No snake.

No snake?
No snake.

Snake got away.
Snake got away?

Snake's gone.
Snake's gone?

No snake.
No snake.

Don't worry,
he's super fast and hungry.

He'll make himself known.

I'll just fix it in post.

ADULT ADAM:
Then came the problems
with the actors.

Whoo! Let's fight a boulder
and karate chop a tank!

Matt, stop chugging
Jolt Colas.

Can't! I could do this
all day, bro!

Yo, Adam,
I think your Indy

clearly has
a major sugar problem.

ADULT ADAM:
Then, of course, there were
the technical difficulties.

No, no, no! Dude!

You can't expose
any of the film
to actual daylight!

So, what's
the least upsetting way

of saying we got to re-shoot
lots and lots of stuff?

It's fine.
I'll just cut down on my shot
list and fix the rest in post.

Thankfully,
my composer would rescue me.

Buckle up, moviemakers.

Guess who just composed

the greatest movie score
of all time.

Erica!
It's my sister, Erica!

Oh, thank God you came home
from college to help me!

ADULT ADAM: But it wasn't
a movie score...

...just a lame pop song
to further her own career.

* Come on, DJ
play that song*

* Let's party
all night long*

* I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for your body*

* I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for your lips*

* You're tearing my heart
right out of my chest*

* And now I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for that whip*

Come on! Do the Indy.

And Indiana Jones whip.

Yes!

It's fine.
I'll fix it in post.

Let's just keep shooting.

All right, let's go!
Everybody out! It's 7:00.

Volleyball team's
got to practice.

Coach, I can't
just lose my location.

How's about
I shoot around you guys,

and then I'll fix it
in post?

Shoot around them?
They just put up a net
in front of the set.

Everyone, stop
asking questions.
Too many things have changed.

My shot list is useless!

Uh, help?

Hey,
you found my snake.

Guys.
He's looking for food.
Just go limp, bro.

It's fine!
I'll fix it in post.
Let's just keep shooting.

Adam, uh, maybe
you should take five.

Sure!
I've got nothing but time!

It's not like
this whole thing depends

on what I decide
every...

Ha! He's melting down!

...single second!

Aah.

Balls!

BEVERLY: Boopie!

Shake it off, Goldberg!

BEVERLY: Oh! Oh!

I'll fix it in post.

ADULT ADAM: While I was
in production hell,

Barry and my dad
were stuck at
the worst place on earth,

a Jersey bus station.

Looks good.
That from Donkey's?

Oh, yeah, worth the trip

for the best cheesesteak
on the planet.

Hear that?
"Best on the planet."

That's proof
that I'm right.

Truth is, Barry,
I'm never calling you
a moron ever again.

Really?
Yeah.

I'm beginning to think,
after today,

that you're
an actual moron.

And if you are
an actual, factual moron,

then to keep calling you one
is just plain mean.

No, I don't want
to not be called
a moron for that reason.

I want to not
be called a moron
'cause I'm not a moron.

How 'bout "Barry"?
You like "Barry"?
Is "Barry" good for you?

That's even worse!

ADULT ADAM:
And then it happened.

Barry saw his opportunity
to prove to our dad,

once and for all,
he wasn't a moron.

That's it.

We're eating a Donkey steak
if it's the last thing I do!

Sit down and do not mess
with that man's sandwich.

We'll just switch it
with our flaming hot one!

He's a giant.
He'll never notice the spicy.

That's not
how spicy works.

Hey!

Oh, crap!

Sir, please
don't chase my son!

He's a moron!
It's not his fault!

BARRY: Ow!

My cheesesteak-eating
arm!

Please don't.
I have to win a bet!

ADULT ADAM:
After my disastrous day
of filming,

I was truly left
a broken man.

Fix it in post.
I'mma fix it in post.

Let... Let me take a look.

ADULT ADAM: And so,
I screened the only
usable footage I had.

That's why
I got into showbiz.

Do you think any of them
noticed me gaffing?

That's a wrap, weirdos!

Out of my gym!
Go! Go! Go!

Come on, scram!
ANDY: Aah!

ADULT ADAM:
It wasn't great.
Question...

Just how much
can you fix in post?

Honestly, I don't care

'cause I, like,
suck at directing stuff.

Don't say that. You are
my little Stevie Spielboopie.

I'm not. I'm gonna be
painfully honest here.

I always said
I wanted to direct,

but I didn't really know
what it meant.

And now I do,
and I hated every second.

But this is all
you've ever talked about.

If not this, what else
are you gonna be?

I guess... Nothing.

And so, I abandoned
my first directing gig

feeling hopeless and broken.

But not nearly as broken
as Barry's
cheesesteak-eating arm.

How's the arm?

Broken.
Like the rest of me.

So, you lost some car keys.
Who cares?

The fact is,
I am a total moron,

and I deserve
to be called one.

Do you know why
I point out your stupidity
20 times a day?

'Cause all I do
is make stupid choices?

For sure.

But you're also
a really smart kid.

And it's a father's job
to help make sure

his kids grow up
to make smart choices.

So, when you call me
a moron,

it's just 'cause
you really want
the best for me?

Something like that.

And under everything,
it just means, "I love you."

Don't push it, moron.

But, uh, yes.
For sure.

ADULT ADAM:
That day, the real treasure
my dad and brother found

wasn't a sandwich at all.

Admit it,
it's the best, right?

You know what?

Leaving those keys behind

may be the smartest thing
you've ever done.

You chose wisely.

What is his deal?

Where you going,
schmoops?

Returning this camera,
'cause I'll never
need it again.

No, I can't
let you do that.

Mom, please don't make this
about you.

I'm not.

Adam, what you do
with your life
is not my story.

I know that now.

But I can't let you quit
your dream of being Spielberg.

You really should.
Come on.

There must have been
some little part of this
that was fun.

I guess
when I was by myself writing.

Well, that's a start.
Just writing?

Adam, you may not be
a big star like Spielberg,

but I know
you'll find your way
to shine just as bright.

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, when you let
your loved ones see you

for who you really are,

that's where the adventure
truly begins.

Here we go, Dan.

You're an evil billionaire
who hustles pool

for religious artifacts.

Do it with feeling
and purpose.

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, my real quest
was finding my calling.

It feels good
to just be the writer.

One might say
I made that happen.

No! You did not
make anything happen!

I mean it.

ADULT ADAM: And there was
one person who saw it in me
the whole time.

But thanks, Mama.

Of course, schmoopy.

And action!

Eight ball,
corner pocket.

Ugh!

BOY: You're calling
the eight ball?

Why, that's ludicrous,
Indiana Jones!

DAN: Eight ball,
corner pocket.

Ugh!

Yes!

I watched
all three Indy movies.

And now I really know
what kind of song
you're looking for.

Erica, I'm not directing...

Just give me
another chance!

* I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for that music *

* I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for those skeleton bones *

* I'll throw you the idol
you throw me your whip *

* I'm Indiana Jonesin'
for Indiana Jones *

* Yo, girl, it's Indy
make some room *

* Wanna take you back
to my Temple of Boom *

* Girl's so hot
that I say, "Damn,
you belong in a museum" *

* All around the map
from Paris to Prague *

* No, they named me
after the dog *

* Drop you
like you're a German soldier *

* Run over you
like a big-ass boulder *

* Indiana Jones
you can raid my ark *

* And, also
I'm afraid of snakes *

No.