Original subtitles

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my brother discovered rap music

and he was immediately obsessed.

But he wasn't the only one.

Even pro sports players got in on the mix.

And the most famous of all was the Chicago Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle.

* I didn't come here Looking for trouble

* I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle *

Look at this garbage. You're cocky and overrated, Bears!

The team and the animal.

You think I can't grab a trout from a stream? I can!

They're the worst and so is their stupid shuffle.

* We're not here To start no trouble

* I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle *

BOTH: * Super Bowl Shuffle

ADULT ADAM: And after the Bears,

a ton of NFL teams made rap videos.

Including our beloved Philadelphia Eagles.

* Quick six, Wide receiver

* They thought the name was a joke

* But I made them all believers *

See, that's how an NFL team is supposed to rap.

The Eagles have a subtlety the Bears can only dream about.

And yet, I still sense opportunity for improvement.

What it needs is real stars.

* Name's Big Tasty I bust a move

* Also my skin is silky and smooth

* I'm Naked Rob and I make the tackle

* I cover my receiver like a wall with spackle

* It's creamy Geoff Schwartz Got hands with no match

* Just throw me the ball And I'll make the catch

* Watch out world We're causing a kerfuffle

* We rap our rhymes And do the JTP Shuffle *

Okay, stop. What is the deal with these lyrics?

Who says kerfuffle and calls out their own silky smooth skin?

When you got it, flaunt it.

It's true. It's almost buttery.

It's all very odd.

This is good. All the best football raps

strike a delicate balance between simple and awkward.

Roll it! Cut!

Stop it right now. Hand me that football.

You might as well be holding a live grenade. You know the rule.

My little schmoopie's are too fragile and squishy to play contact sports.

We're not even playing, we're just singing and shuffling.

This is a gateway ball.

It starts with a fun little shuffle,

and then you go out and break your ankle or shatter a pelvis.

I should be rolling at this.

We have plenty of safe, fun balls for you to play with.

The fun-est ball of all, beach.

You literally ruin everything.

Aw, you just need to give it a try. Here, catch.

Okay, try again.

Oh. All right. See, it doesn't even hurt.

Okay, sports are fun.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM: It was February 28th, 1980-something.

The year of my mom's Bevolution, where she tried new things.

Like, cutting my hair with a vacuum.

Oh, balls. Do you know what you're doing?

I feel like you don't know what you're doing.

That's the beauty of the Flowbee haircutting system,

I don't have to know what I'm doing.

I prefer the old system

where we go to your salon and Chantal washes my hair,

which feels way too good

and I ask her to do it longer

but then it gets weird and she stops.

What the hell is this?

I'm experimenting with my Flowbee.

It only takes two minutes to go from drab to fab!

Done.

That's it?

Chantal usually hands me a mirror to look at the back

and brushes the hair off my neck.

Leaning in ever so close to inspect her work.

Please go.

Bevy, what's with all this crap?

A Thighmaster, a Veg-OMatic, a Salad Shooter,

a Pocket Fisherman?

Our people don't fish, fish.

We buy fish and then we shmear it.

Shmear White fish

This isn't about shopping.

Anything gipper? It's about the Bevolution.

Isn't that about you finding purpose outside of our moron kids?

And I found it. Come with me.

So, this QVC, it's a TV show.

It's a whole channel.

ADULT ADAM: That's right.

Before QVC dot com was a world leader in online retail,

they invented at-home shopping with their groundbreaking TV channel.

People can shop from their home using just a phone and a credit card.

Who would do something like that?

Yes, I'm calling about the exciting shower radio.

Hang up my phone, Al.

But this amazing product allows me to listen to music while I'm wet.

See, Murray, QVC is just regular people like me selling big ideas.

We're living in the future.

Now I only bought that stuff as research to figure out what I could sell.

You know what? That's not a bad idea.

Oh, that is so typical. Why would I ever expect my own husband's support?

Did you hear what I said? It's not a bad idea.

How can you stand there and mock the love of your life?

She's just trying to improve herself, and this is how you act?

Okay, I get it. You're both not used to me being supportive.

Shame. I don't like this look on you, Mur.

Both of you, listen.

I'm sincerely saying that I believe you can do this, Beverly.

You always have great ideas.

You never give up. You're made for this.

So, there's really no angle?

No angle, just love and support.

Why can't anyone accept that I'm capable of this?

I accept it with all my heart.

Thank you for believing in me.

ADULT ADAM: And just like that, QVC did the impossible.

Made my dad a supportive husband.

And Barry was also doing the impossible. Going against my Mom.

Cunningham feeds back, he looks left...

Boom! Refrigerator Perry busts through the line!

Hey, over here! Mike Quick is wide open!

I forgot my player's name!

Cunningham heaves it!

Yes!

The Ref indicates touchdown and wonders if he'll get a chance to play.

He won't! Good job, dude.

Dude, Barry. Your arm is a cannon.

And that's with a Nerf, which is way harder to throw than a real football.

Wow. You know a lot about science.

COACH: All right, boys... Uh, time to call it. Real team needs the field.

Damn it. I wish my crazy mom would let me play.

If she didn't hold me back,

I could have been a star wide-receiver for the Eagles.

Forget your Mom, just join the team and don't tell her.

We're talking about Beverly Goldberg!

Her only purpose is to mix into our lives.

So what I'm saying is, I will no longer be able to mix into your lives

because I'm going to become a QVC mogul.

What? I know.

I won't be around as much to take care of you. It's hard for me, too.

Then I should probably call Chantal and make a series of hair appointments.

When won't you be around? I need specifics.

I guess, after school.

So, you'll have no idea where I am

or what I'm playing during the hours of 3:00 to 5:00?

If my business takes off,

I may never be at your school again.

I'm so sad right now, I need to try on these cleats.

Anyway, off to bed.

Wait.

ADULT ADAM: Barry thought he was busted.

But instead my Mom got a business idea that fit like a glove.

Little static cling, there.

Bye now.

ADULT ADAM: A glove that would fulfill her QVC dreams.

Yep, like a mad genius struck with a lightning bolt of vision,

my Mom called inspiration from every part of her life.

She snipped, sowed, measured and worked around the clock

to create the coolest jacket the '80s had ever seen.

Or, so she thought.

So, what do you think?

Look, I don't know from fashion.

But if you say it's stylish, I'm sure they'll sell like hot cakes.

See the problem with jean jackets is they're almost entirely jean.

But Bev-wear has fun, flash, doily's and tic-tac-toe.

Those jackets are gonna sell themselves.

I love the new supportive, Murray.

Frankly he is different than the man I originally married, but he's great.

So, now what? You show this to QVC?

Yes, I already sent them one and I left ten messages.

I find it very unprofessional that they haven't called me back yet.

Even after I threatened them.

Their loss.

You know what we'll do? We'll ship 'em off to Erica,

all her arts and college friends, they'll flip for 'em.

Yes! We'll get the young tastemakers to create some buzz.

And then QVC'll come knocking down our door.

You've got a business plan, little lady.

ADULT ADAM: And just like that, my parents were convinced

the jackets were gonna be a hit.

These jackets straight up, suck, Dad.

Stop. They do not.

Why would you encourage Mom to start a fashion line?

The lady wears rainbow colored sweaters with duck puns on them.

It's a matter of figure.

Ew! Look, this important to your mother.

She put her heart and soul into making those jackets.

And that's very disturbing

because they look like they were bought from a craft fair in Hell.

I'm not asking for much here.

Now go sell your mother's expensive home-made jackets to college kids.

Look, this is a lost cause, okay?

You sent me a giant box and I only sold one.

And honestly, I wasn't very ethical about it.

Okay, when I stumble home from a frat party at 4:00 in the morning,

it is super not cool to trick me into buying stuff.

I'm on a business call, Roomie.

It was dark and you said this was Gucci.

Please just try and sell a few more.

Okay, fine. But just to be clear,

I have zero investment in how this turns out.

I want my money back.

Honestly, the jacket says sexy to me.

Really? 'Cause to me, it just says...

Jacket.

Oh, that's bad.

ADULT ADAM: Yep. Bev-wear was nowhere,

but my brother's football career was about to arrive.

Your prayers have been answered.

Big Tasty is finally joining the football team.

We've been through this, Goldberg. Your mommy won't allow it.

Well, my mommy's going through a time-consuming mid-life crisis,

so now I get to chase my dream.

Our team could use some of that Goldberg moxie.

What are you playing these days?

Oh, I play it all.

You'll probably have to diagram some new plays

to take advantage of my amazing skill set. May I?

Normally I'd say no, but I wanna see where this goes.

I call it the Hail Barry.

In this play I both throw and catch the winning touchdown as time expires.

That literally cannot be done.

And yet I've done it against my brother Adam over seven times.

All right, let's hit the field and see what you got!

I'm unconscious! I'm unconscious! I've been knocked unconscious!

Um, Coach, Goldberg says he's unconscious even though he's talking.

You okay, Goldberg?

Just a little unconscious, Coach.

hey, just thought of something.

Do you have any of those Fig Newtons? They always perk me back up.

Lot of athletes don't know this, but the Newton is a power food.

Power food, Goldberg?

Man, get off the damn field.

I'll handle this. Yeah. We're handling it, Assistant Coach Fast.

Or should I just say "Assistant?"

Oh, hell no. Okay, walk away, Ike.

All right. Starter, line up.

Let's move those chains! Where do you want me, Coach?

The bench.

But if I'm on the bench, how could I be your star player?

Well, it's like this, Goldberg.

You know when you gaze into the dark night sky

and you see all those shimmering stars?

I got a secret for you.

They're not alone.

There're a bunch of weak, crappy stars right behind them

on God's great space bench.

Shining their dim, pointless light.

Think about it.

I thought about it, Coach.

And I don't wanna be on the space bench.

Please. I'm a star!

ADULT ADAM: And, so, Barry convinced Coach to give him one last shot.

I'm down. I'm unconscious again.

ADULT ADAM: My brother had officially been benched and he was not a good sport about it.

Yo, wanna play some Tecmo Bowl?

No football for me. Coach said I'm not good enough to start.

But football is your game.

Did you tell him about the Hail Barry?

Many times! It just seemed to annoy him. Now I'm stuck on the bench.

Know what I think? Coach is testing you.

We're talking about sports, nerd. What do you know?

I know sports movies.

And the Coach always benches his star to test his leadership.

Oh, my God. I'm the star of this real life movie.

It's the only logical conclusion. What happens now?

You just need to prove to Coach that you can unite your team

in a highly unconventional and cinematic way.

That leaves only one clear option.

A football rap.

Speaking as a guy who knows nothing about sports,

this makes all the sense in the world!

Time to blow off practice and write some dope lyrics to bond my squad.

Sports!

ADULT ADAM: As Big Tasty put together an uplifting song,

Bev-wear was falling apart at the seams.

Look at that. You made a fresh batch of jackets.

(CRYING AND SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

What the hell? She sent 'em all back?

No, people want them.

You're not a failure!

I'm beyond positive. Those kids aren't even your market.

A Bev-wear customer is a sophisticated adult.

Yeah. I'll even sell 'em for you.

ADULT ADAM: Selling Bev-wear wasn't easy,

but if anyone could do it, it was my salesman Dad.

Your total is $396.87,

and just for today with every sofa you buy,

you get this charming jacket half-price!

No. All right, 75% off.

Just the couch, please.

Hey, Mur. How does this jacket work?

The pockets are on the back.

Not now, Al!

How about this? Free. You bought the sofa, take it.

This jacket is very ugly.

Mur, just come over and unzip a pocket on my back.

I wanna put away these Chiclets.

All right, look. Take the jacket! You don't even have to wear it.

Uh, put it on the snowman.

Let's just forget the whole thing.

Hey! The sofa's free, just take the jacket.

It's a bad jacket.

Bev can never know the truth.

We'll take 'em to a thrift store

and then tell her that they sold like crazy.

It's a bad jacket.

I know that, Al.

* Big tasty Wide receiver

* I catch the ball like a golden retriever

* Unlike those dogs, I don't have bad hips

* I fly down the field for touchdown trips

* Ruben Jr. Quarterback

* I move so fast I can't get sacked

* I pass the ball through the air

* Come see me play Pull up a chair

* I'm Sergei Tarbakamus I kick field goals

* Am I nervous? Yeah, I suppose

Where the hell is everybody?

SERGEI: * By hitting the mark

* The game is over before it starts

TEAM: * Mellor's watching you

* He's watching Yes, he's watching

* Quakers fight on through Quakers fight on through

They are really gonna regret this.

* If you don't, you're gonna make our coach angry! *

Why the hell is my team dancing with so little rhythm

and not out on the field doing drills?

Well, as team leader, I thought we could use a little bonding.

I made it clear that you ride the pond.

But... My brother said you were testing me like he saw in the movies.

This is real life, son, where people of your meager skillset

don't play, don't win and don't get carried off on somebody's shoulders.

Hey, ease up, Coach.

I don't need you to defend me, Assistant Coach.

'Cause, fact is, if I don't play, no one else will.

Come on, fellas. Let's get out of here.

Really

Sorry, bro. We barely know you, and this has all been really weird.

Fine!

If this team doesn't want me, then I don't want me on this team.

Oh, my goodness. I can't believe I made all this money.

That's what happens when you sell out all of your jackets.

Aren't I right, Al? Right-a-roo, Captain Choo-Choo.

What the hell you talking about?

I hate lying. Don't make me a part of this.

Hey! Who's the business mogul with the wad of cash?

Ha-ha! I am so fired up.

I gotta sow more stuff on jackets right this minute.

No, no, no! Now's the time

you relax and you enjoy all your success. Right, Al?

Okey-dokey, Smokey Jokey.

You okay, Dad?

He is fine.

Hi, I'm from Jenkintown Swap Thrift Store.

Is there a Murray Goldberg here?

I'm cracking, Murray. I'm out.

Yeah, I'm him. Uh, we got a family thing going here.

Look, we always appreciate donations, but we can't take these insane jackets.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

There's just so many of 'em and it quickly became clear

that we were gonna be stuck with them forever.

Yeah, that's a lot of information.

We have a few crazy-bag ladies who will literally take anything off our hands,

but in this case, the jackets just agitated them.

No need to go on.

We then dumped them in the alley

but all the street cats instinctively attacked the jackets.

Now I gotta be rude!

So, nobody wanted the jackets?

I'm sorry, Bev.

Guess this money is yours.

No, it's for your business. It's just a bump in the road.

Just keep it.

And all your loving support.

The jackets were a failure and so am I.

ADULT ADAM: Even though Barry was making the Eagles crush the Patriots,

his real life football career was done.

Hey, don't you have a game tonight?

No. Coach wasn't testing me.

He thinks I suck.

I don't know, maybe he's right.

ADULT ADAM: If I knew anything about sports movies,

this was the moment our hero got an inspiring pep talk

from the least likely of places.

On this day, it was me.

Well, if there's one thing I know, it's that you can't just quit.

Dude, enough with your dumb sports movies.

This isn't from a movie, it's what I learned.

Even if I don't ever get a chance to play, I can still help my team.

Like how you filmed the baseball games like a weird creep.

It's game film. It helps them improve.

Or like when the basketball rolls under the bleachers

and you climb under to get it.

I fit in small spaces.

So, even though you're an unbearable loser with no athletic ability

and everyone talks about you behind your back,

you still find a way to make a difference?

And you can, too.

Also, what?

Thanks for inspiring me, loser.

Football team, here I come.

Thirty-one to nothing in the first half. What a disgrace!

Coach, we're doing our best.

Save the excuses for Ruben Amaro Sr., Ruben Amaro Jr.

Now I want someone here to step up and show them what we're made of!

Anyone?

Big Tasty. Wide receiver.

Dude, now's not the time.

I catch the ball like a golden retriever.

What's he doing? Unlike those dogs, I don't have bad hips.

What are you doing? I fly down the field for touchdown trips.

Enough!

* Mallor's watching you

Reuben. * He's watching Yes he's watching

I mean it!

* And the Quakers fight on through

This song is not catchy.

* Quakers fight on through So better play that D

* Play! Play! Play!

* If you don't, you're gonna make our coach angry *

TEAM: Yeah!

Now let's kick Germantown's ass!

TEAM: Yeah!

Let's go, baby.

I'm glad you didn't quit, Goldberg.

It's a nice ending to your little movie.

Thanks, Coach. But you know what would be an even better ending?

We're not doing a Hail Barry and you're still never playing.

Then you know where to find me.

I'll be on the bench, dong nothing!

Yes! Whoo!

I don't even need this.

What's going on here?

Just the end of Bev-wear. And the whole stupid Bevolution.

The Beverly Goldberg I know never quits, ever.

Well, there is a first time for everything.

I need to tell you something.

Look, when I first met you, when I was trying to make something of myself,

I failed at everything that I tried.

Well, I... I always knew you'd make it.

Exactly.

You never stopped believing in me.

I'm giving you back everything you gave me.

Murray...

So, you'll keep at it?

Like you said, Beverly Goldberg never gives up.

Ever.

ADULT ADAM: With that, the Bevolution was back on track.

And Barry was gonna help lead his team,

even if it was from the bench.

Look alive, team! Let's go, Quakers!

Can you believe it, folks? I may just be the sixth grade Latin teacher,

but I can safely say this is the comeback of a lifetime.

Yes! Touchdown!

Watch for the sack!

Yes, yes, yes! Go, go, go!

Man, Barry rules that bench.

I can't take my eyes off of him.

Let's hear some noise, people.

The actual players need us.

Come on. There we go.

Tazz is open. Hail Mary.

He could go all the way!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

MERRILL REESE: Touchdown! Quakers win!

In all my three weeks of announcing high school football,

I have never seen anything like this!

ADULT ADAM: My brother never did become an NFL wide receiver,

but that day, all his sports movie fantasies came true.

I'm a part of it. I'm holding his heel!

ADULT ADAM: And as fate would have it,

one day, Barry Goldberg would finally get his chance to fly like an eagle.

* 'Cause we are the champions

* Of the world

Welcome to the battle of the JTP.

We've got Philadelphia Eagles Hall of Famer, Mike Quick,

playing automatic QB for both sides.

Ready, set, go!

REESE: Look at the hands on Goldberg.

They say he could have been a pro wide receiver if his mother didn't hold him back.

Schwartz sees nothing but daylight.

Very fitting since he's one of Philly's top ophthalmologists.

Damn it, Schwartz!

And, go!

REESE: My God. It's the Hail Barry.

And it didn't work.

Because no one can pass to themselves in an actual game.

And Naked Rob has gone pants-less.

Ten, go!

REESE: Quick six. Drops back to pass.

Touchdown! Goldberg!

On behalf of the entire Eagles organization,

we like to present the winners of the JTP Bowl.

And here are your winners,

the one and only JTP!

E-A-G-L-E-S! Oh!

This is the real Beverly Goldberg.

She has graced us today.

So I snuck into Barry's room and took one of his jean jackets.

And I decided I was going to decorate them things.

The hand was like a Michael Jackson hand.

A pillow on the back.

Very punk rock.

It's very big because it was Barry's jacket.

This thing weighs a thousand pounds.

And was, like, super big, and I...

Let's get the shoulder pads in...

Did you ever sell any of your... Not a one.

I had never sold one jacket.