All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S05E14.Hail.Barry.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM: Back in
the '80s, my brother
discovered rap music

and he was
immediately obsessed.

But he wasn't the only one.

Even pro sports players
got in on the mix.

And the most famous of all
was the Chicago Bears'
Super Bowl Shuffle.

* I didn't come here
Looking for trouble

* I just came to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle *

Look at this garbage.
You're cocky
and overrated, Bears!

The team and the animal.

You think I can't grab
a trout from a stream? I can!

They're the worst
and so is their
stupid shuffle.

* We're not here
To start no trouble

* I just came to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle *

BOTH:
* Super Bowl Shuffle

ADULT ADAM:
And after the Bears,

a ton of NFL teams
made rap videos.

Including our beloved
Philadelphia Eagles.

* Quick six, Wide receiver

* They thought
the name was a joke

* But I made them
all believers *

See, that's how
an NFL team
is supposed to rap.

The Eagles
have a subtlety the Bears
can only dream about.

And yet,
I still sense opportunity
for improvement.

What it needs is real stars.

* Name's Big Tasty
I bust a move

* Also my skin
is silky and smooth

* I'm Naked Rob
and I make the tackle

* I cover my receiver
like a wall with spackle

* It's creamy Geoff Schwartz
Got hands with no match

* Just throw me the ball
And I'll make the catch

* Watch out world
We're causing a kerfuffle

* We rap our rhymes
And do the JTP Shuffle *

Okay, stop.
What is the deal
with these lyrics?

Who says kerfuffle
and calls out their own
silky smooth skin?

When you got it, flaunt it.

It's true.
It's almost buttery.

It's all very odd.

This is good.
All the best football raps

strike a delicate balance
between simple and awkward.

Roll it!
Cut!

Stop it right now.
Hand me that football.

You might as well be
holding a live grenade.
You know the rule.

My little schmoopie's
are too fragile and squishy
to play contact sports.

We're not even playing,
we're just singing
and shuffling.

This is a gateway ball.

It starts with
a fun little shuffle,

and then you go out
and break your ankle
or shatter a pelvis.

I should be rolling at this.

We have plenty
of safe, fun balls
for you to play with.

The fun-est ball
of all, beach.

You literally ruin everything.

Aw, you just need
to give it a try.
Here, catch.

Okay, try again.

Oh. All right.
See, it doesn't even hurt.

Okay, sports are fun.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM:
It was February 28th,
1980-something.

The year
of my mom's Bevolution,
where she tried new things.

Like, cutting my hair
with a vacuum.

Oh, balls.
Do you know
what you're doing?

I feel like you don't know
what you're doing.

That's the beauty
of the Flowbee
haircutting system,

I don't have to know
what I'm doing.

I prefer the old system

where we go to your salon
and Chantal washes my hair,

which feels way too good

and I ask her to do it longer

but then it gets weird
and she stops.

What the hell is this?

I'm experimenting
with my Flowbee.

It only takes two minutes
to go from drab to fab!

Done.

That's it?

Chantal usually hands me
a mirror to look at the back

and brushes the hair
off my neck.

Leaning in ever so close
to inspect her work.

Please go.

Bevy, what's with
all this crap?

A Thighmaster, a Veg-OMatic,
a Salad Shooter,

a Pocket Fisherman?

Our people don't fish, fish.

We buy fish
and then we shmear it.

Shmear
White fish

This isn't about shopping.

Anything gipper?
It's about the Bevolution.

Isn't that about you
finding purpose outside
of our moron kids?

And I found it.
Come with me.

So, this QVC,
it's a TV show.

It's a whole channel.

ADULT ADAM: That's right.

Before QVC dot com
was a world leader
in online retail,

they invented
at-home shopping with their
groundbreaking TV channel.

People can shop from
their home using just
a phone and a credit card.

Who would do
something like that?

Yes, I'm calling
about the exciting
shower radio.

Hang up my phone, Al.

But this amazing product
allows me to listen to music
while I'm wet.

See, Murray, QVC is just
regular people like me
selling big ideas.

We're living in the future.

Now I only bought that stuff
as research to figure out
what I could sell.

You know what?
That's not a bad idea.

Oh, that is so typical.
Why would I ever expect
my own husband's support?

Did you hear what I said?
It's not a bad idea.

How can you
stand there and mock
the love of your life?

She's just trying
to improve herself,
and this is how you act?

Okay, I get it.
You're both not used to
me being supportive.

Shame.
I don't like
this look on you, Mur.

Both of you, listen.

I'm sincerely saying
that I believe you can
do this, Beverly.

You always have great ideas.

You never give up.
You're made for this.

So, there's really no angle?

No angle,
just love and support.

Why can't anyone accept
that I'm capable of this?

I accept it with all my heart.

Thank you for believing in me.

ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,
QVC did the impossible.

Made my dad
a supportive husband.

And Barry was also
doing the impossible.
Going against my Mom.

Cunningham feeds back,
he looks left...

Boom! Refrigerator Perry
busts through the line!

Hey, over here!
Mike Quick is wide open!

I forgot my player's name!

Cunningham heaves it!

Yes!

The Ref indicates touchdown
and wonders if he'll get
a chance to play.

He won't!
Good job, dude.

Dude, Barry.
Your arm is a cannon.

And that's with a Nerf,
which is way harder to throw
than a real football.

Wow. You know
a lot about science.

COACH: All right, boys...
Uh, time to call it.
Real team needs the field.

Damn it. I wish
my crazy mom
would let me play.

If she didn't hold me back,

I could have been
a star wide-receiver
for the Eagles.

Forget your Mom,
just join the team
and don't tell her.

We're talking
about Beverly Goldberg!

Her only purpose
is to mix into our lives.

So what I'm saying is,
I will no longer be able
to mix into your lives

because I'm going to
become a QVC mogul.

What?
I know.

I won't be around as much
to take care of you.
It's hard for me, too.

Then I should probably
call Chantal and make
a series of hair appointments.

When won't you be around?
I need specifics.

I guess, after school.

So, you'll have
no idea where I am

or what I'm playing
during the hours
of 3:00 to 5:00?

If my business takes off,

I may never be
at your school again.

I'm so sad right now,
I need to try on these cleats.

Anyway, off to bed.

Wait.

ADULT ADAM:
Barry thought he was busted.

But instead my Mom
got a business idea
that fit like a glove.

Little static cling, there.

Bye now.

ADULT ADAM:
A glove that would
fulfill her QVC dreams.

Yep, like a mad genius
struck with a lightning bolt
of vision,

my Mom called inspiration
from every part of her life.

She snipped, sowed, measured
and worked around the clock

to create the coolest jacket
the '80s had ever seen.

Or, so she thought.

So, what do you think?

Look, I don't know
from fashion.

But if you say it's stylish,
I'm sure they'll sell
like hot cakes.

See the problem
with jean jackets is
they're almost entirely jean.

But Bev-wear has
fun, flash, doily's
and tic-tac-toe.

Those jackets
are gonna sell themselves.

I love the new
supportive, Murray.

Frankly he is different
than the man I originally
married, but he's great.

So, now what?
You show this to QVC?

Yes, I already sent them one
and I left ten messages.

I find it very unprofessional
that they haven't
called me back yet.

Even after I threatened them.

Their loss.

You know what we'll do?
We'll ship 'em off to Erica,

all her arts
and college friends,
they'll flip for 'em.

Yes! We'll get
the young tastemakers
to create some buzz.

And then QVC'll come
knocking down our door.

You've got a business plan,
little lady.

ADULT ADAM:
And just like that,
my parents were convinced

the jackets
were gonna be a hit.

These jackets
straight up, suck, Dad.

Stop. They do not.

Why would you
encourage Mom to start
a fashion line?

The lady wears
rainbow colored sweaters
with duck puns on them.

It's a matter of figure.

Ew!
Look, this important
to your mother.

She put her heart and soul
into making those jackets.

And that's very disturbing

because they look
like they were bought
from a craft fair in Hell.

I'm not asking for much here.

Now go sell your mother's
expensive home-made jackets
to college kids.

Look, this is
a lost cause, okay?

You sent me a giant box
and I only sold one.

And honestly,
I wasn't very ethical
about it.

Okay, when I stumble home
from a frat party
at 4:00 in the morning,

it is super not cool
to trick me into buying stuff.

I'm on
a business call, Roomie.

It was dark
and you said this was Gucci.

Please just try
and sell a few more.

Okay, fine.
But just to be clear,

I have zero investment
in how this turns out.

I want my money back.

Honestly, the jacket
says sexy to me.

Really?
'Cause to me, it just says...

Jacket.

Oh, that's bad.

ADULT ADAM:
Yep. Bev-wear was nowhere,

but my brother's
football career
was about to arrive.

Your prayers
have been answered.

Big Tasty is finally
joining the football team.

We've been
through this, Goldberg.
Your mommy won't allow it.

Well, my mommy's going
through a time-consuming
mid-life crisis,

so now I get to
chase my dream.

Our team could use
some of that Goldberg moxie.

What are you
playing these days?

Oh, I play it all.

You'll probably have to
diagram some new plays

to take advantage
of my amazing skill set.
May I?

Normally I'd say no,
but I wanna see
where this goes.

I call it the Hail Barry.

In this play I both
throw and catch the winning
touchdown as time expires.

That literally cannot be done.

And yet I've done it
against my brother Adam
over seven times.

All right,
let's hit the field
and see what you got!

I'm unconscious!
I'm unconscious!
I've been knocked unconscious!

Um, Coach, Goldberg
says he's unconscious
even though he's talking.

You okay, Goldberg?

Just a little
unconscious, Coach.

hey, just thought
of something.

Do you have
any of those Fig Newtons?
They always perk me back up.

Lot of athletes
don't know this, but
the Newton is a power food.

Power food, Goldberg?

Man, get off the damn field.

I'll handle this.
Yeah. We're handling it,
Assistant Coach Fast.

Or should I just
say "Assistant?"

Oh, hell no.
Okay, walk away, Ike.

All right. Starter, line up.

Let's move those chains!
Where do you want me, Coach?

The bench.

But if I'm on the bench,
how could I be
your star player?

Well, it's
like this, Goldberg.

You know when you gaze
into the dark night sky

and you see
all those shimmering stars?

I got a secret for you.

They're not alone.

There're a bunch of weak,
crappy stars right behind them

on God's great space bench.

Shining their dim,
pointless light.

Think about it.

I thought about it, Coach.

And I don't wanna be
on the space bench.

Please. I'm a star!

ADULT ADAM: And, so,
Barry convinced Coach
to give him one last shot.

I'm down.
I'm unconscious again.

ADULT ADAM: My brother had
officially been benched and he
was not a good sport about it.

Yo, wanna play
some Tecmo Bowl?

No football for me.
Coach said I'm not
good enough to start.

But football is your game.

Did you tell him
about the Hail Barry?

Many times!
It just seemed to annoy him.
Now I'm stuck on the bench.

Know what I think?
Coach is testing you.

We're talking
about sports, nerd.
What do you know?

I know sports movies.

And the Coach
always benches his star
to test his leadership.

Oh, my God. I'm the star
of this real life movie.

It's the only
logical conclusion.
What happens now?

You just need to
prove to Coach that you
can unite your team

in a highly unconventional
and cinematic way.

That leaves
only one clear option.

A football rap.

Speaking as a guy who knows
nothing about sports,

this makes all the sense
in the world!

Time to blow off practice
and write some dope lyrics
to bond my squad.

Sports!

ADULT ADAM: As Big Tasty put
together an uplifting song,

Bev-wear was falling apart
at the seams.

Look at that.
You made a fresh
batch of jackets.

(CRYING AND SPEAKING
GIBBERISH)

What the hell?
She sent 'em all back?

No, people want them.

You're not a failure!

I'm beyond positive.
Those kids aren't
even your market.

A Bev-wear customer
is a sophisticated adult.

Yeah. I'll even
sell 'em for you.

ADULT ADAM:
Selling Bev-wear wasn't easy,

but if anyone could do it,
it was my salesman Dad.

Your total is $396.87,

and just for today
with every sofa you buy,

you get this
charming jacket half-price!

No.
All right, 75% off.

Just the couch, please.

Hey, Mur.
How does
this jacket work?

The pockets
are on the back.

Not now, Al!

How about this? Free.
You bought the sofa, take it.

This jacket is very ugly.

Mur, just come over
and unzip a pocket
on my back.

I wanna put away
these Chiclets.

All right, look.
Take the jacket! You don't
even have to wear it.

Uh, put it on the snowman.

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Hey! The sofa's free,
just take the jacket.

It's a bad jacket.

Bev can never know the truth.

We'll take 'em
to a thrift store

and then tell her
that they sold like crazy.

It's a bad jacket.

I know that, Al.

* Big tasty
Wide receiver

* I catch the ball
like a golden retriever

* Unlike those dogs,
I don't have bad hips

* I fly down the field
for touchdown trips

* Ruben Jr.
Quarterback

* I move so fast
I can't get sacked

* I pass the ball
through the air

* Come see me play
Pull up a chair

* I'm Sergei Tarbakamus
I kick field goals

* Am I nervous?
Yeah, I suppose

Where the hell is everybody?

SERGEI:
* By hitting the mark

* The game is over
before it starts

TEAM:
* Mellor's watching you

* He's watching
Yes, he's watching

* Quakers fight on through
Quakers fight on through

They are really
gonna regret this.

* If you don't,
you're gonna
make our coach angry! *

Why the hell is my team
dancing with so little rhythm

and not out on the field
doing drills?

Well, as team leader,
I thought we could use
a little bonding.

I made it clear
that you ride the pond.

But... My brother said
you were testing me
like he saw in the movies.

This is real life, son,
where people of
your meager skillset

don't play, don't win
and don't get carried off
on somebody's shoulders.

Hey, ease up, Coach.

I don't need you to defend me,
Assistant Coach.

'Cause, fact is,
if I don't play,
no one else will.

Come on, fellas.
Let's get out of here.

Really

Sorry, bro. We barely
know you, and this has
all been really weird.

Fine!

If this team doesn't want me,
then I don't want me
on this team.

Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe
I made all this money.

That's what happens
when you sell out
all of your jackets.

Aren't I right, Al?
Right-a-roo,
Captain Choo-Choo.

What the hell
you talking about?

I hate lying.
Don't make me a part of this.

Hey! Who's the business mogul
with the wad of cash?

Ha-ha!
I am so fired up.

I gotta sow more stuff
on jackets right this minute.

No, no, no!
Now's the time

you relax and you enjoy
all your success.
Right, Al?

Okey-dokey, Smokey Jokey.

You okay, Dad?

He is fine.

Hi, I'm from
Jenkintown Swap Thrift Store.

Is there
a Murray Goldberg here?

I'm cracking, Murray.
I'm out.

Yeah, I'm him. Uh, we got
a family thing going here.

Look, we always appreciate
donations, but we can't take
these insane jackets.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

There's just so many of 'em
and it quickly became clear

that we were gonna be stuck
with them forever.

Yeah, that's
a lot of information.

We have a few crazy-bag ladies
who will literally take
anything off our hands,

but in this case, the jackets
just agitated them.

No need to go on.

We then dumped them
in the alley

but all the street cats
instinctively attacked
the jackets.

Now I gotta be rude!

So, nobody wanted the jackets?

I'm sorry, Bev.

Guess this money is yours.

No, it's for your business.
It's just a bump in the road.

Just keep it.

And all your loving support.

The jackets were a failure
and so am I.

ADULT ADAM: Even though
Barry was making the Eagles
crush the Patriots,

his real life football career
was done.

Hey, don't you have
a game tonight?

No. Coach wasn't testing me.

He thinks I suck.

I don't know,
maybe he's right.

ADULT ADAM: If I knew anything
about sports movies,

this was the moment our hero
got an inspiring pep talk

from the least likely
of places.

On this day, it was me.

Well, if there's one thing
I know, it's that
you can't just quit.

Dude, enough with
your dumb sports movies.

This isn't from a movie,
it's what I learned.

Even if I don't ever
get a chance to play,
I can still help my team.

Like how you filmed
the baseball games
like a weird creep.

It's game film.
It helps them improve.

Or like when the basketball
rolls under the bleachers

and you climb under to get it.

I fit in small spaces.

So, even though
you're an unbearable loser
with no athletic ability

and everyone talks about you
behind your back,

you still find a way
to make a difference?

And you can, too.

Also, what?

Thanks for
inspiring me, loser.

Football team,
here I come.

Thirty-one to nothing
in the first half.
What a disgrace!

Coach, we're doing our best.

Save the excuses
for Ruben Amaro Sr.,
Ruben Amaro Jr.

Now I want someone here
to step up and show them
what we're made of!

Anyone?

Big Tasty.
Wide receiver.

Dude, now's not the time.

I catch the ball
like a golden retriever.

What's he doing?
Unlike those dogs,
I don't have bad hips.

What are you doing?
I fly down the field
for touchdown trips.

Enough!

* Mallor's watching you

Reuben.
* He's watching
Yes he's watching

I mean it!

* And the Quakers
fight on through

This song is not catchy.

* Quakers fight on through
So better play that D

* Play! Play! Play!

* If you don't, you're gonna
make our coach angry *

TEAM: Yeah!

Now let's kick
Germantown's ass!

TEAM: Yeah!

Let's go, baby.

I'm glad you didn't quit,
Goldberg.

It's a nice ending
to your little movie.

Thanks, Coach.
But you know what would be
an even better ending?

We're not doing a Hail Barry
and you're still
never playing.

Then you know
where to find me.

I'll be on the bench,
dong nothing!

Yes! Whoo!

I don't even need this.

What's going on here?

Just the end of Bev-wear.
And the whole
stupid Bevolution.

The Beverly Goldberg I know
never quits, ever.

Well, there is a first time
for everything.

I need to tell you something.

Look, when I first met you,
when I was trying to make
something of myself,

I failed at everything
that I tried.

Well, I... I always knew
you'd make it.

Exactly.

You never stopped
believing in me.

I'm giving you back
everything you gave me.

Murray...

So, you'll keep at it?

Like you said,
Beverly Goldberg
never gives up.

Ever.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
the Bevolution was
back on track.

And Barry was gonna
help lead his team,

even if it was from the bench.

Look alive, team!
Let's go, Quakers!

Can you believe it, folks?
I may just be the sixth grade
Latin teacher,

but I can safely say this is
the comeback of a lifetime.

Yes! Touchdown!

Watch for the sack!

Yes, yes, yes! Go, go, go!

Man, Barry rules
that bench.

I can't take my eyes
off of him.

Let's hear some noise, people.

The actual players need us.

Come on. There we go.

Tazz is open. Hail Mary.

He could go all the way!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

MERRILL REESE: Touchdown!
Quakers win!

In all my three weeks
of announcing
high school football,

I have never seen
anything like this!

ADULT ADAM: My brother
never did become
an NFL wide receiver,

but that day,
all his sports movie
fantasies came true.

I'm a part of it.
I'm holding his heel!

ADULT ADAM:
And as fate would have it,

one day, Barry Goldberg
would finally get his chance
to fly like an eagle.

* 'Cause we are the champions

* Of the world

Welcome to
the battle of the JTP.

We've got Philadelphia Eagles
Hall of Famer, Mike Quick,

playing automatic QB
for both sides.

Ready, set, go!

REESE: Look at the hands
on Goldberg.

They say he could have been
a pro wide receiver if his
mother didn't hold him back.

Schwartz sees nothing
but daylight.

Very fitting since he's one of
Philly's top ophthalmologists.

Damn it, Schwartz!

And, go!

REESE: My God.
It's the Hail Barry.

And it didn't work.

Because no one
can pass to themselves
in an actual game.

And Naked Rob
has gone pants-less.

Ten, go!

REESE: Quick six.
Drops back to pass.

Touchdown! Goldberg!

On behalf of the entire
Eagles organization,

we like to present
the winners of the JTP Bowl.

And here are your winners,

the one and only JTP!

E-A-G-L-E-S! Oh!

This is the real
Beverly Goldberg.

She has graced us today.

So I snuck into
Barry's room and took
one of his jean jackets.

And I decided I was going
to decorate them things.

The hand was like
a Michael Jackson hand.

A pillow on the back.

Very punk rock.

It's very big because
it was Barry's jacket.

This thing weighs
a thousand pounds.

And was, like, super big,
and I...

Let's get
the shoulder pads in...

Did you ever sell
any of your...
Not a one.

I had never sold
one jacket.