All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S05E13.The.Hooters.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM:
Ah, wood-shop class.

Back in the '80s, this
sawdust-covered danger zone

was a place where students
handled heavy-duty machinery

no kid should ever touch.

Whoa!
That almost hit me, dude!

I know! I should not
be around this equipment!

ADULT ADAM:
No matter what school
you went to,

all shop teachers were cut
from the same piece of wood.

Ours was Mr. Crosby.

And remember...
Safety first.

There's no room
for tomfoolery, shenanigans,

or joyful horseplay
in this class.

And why is that?

ALL:
We'll cut off our finger.

And why do we always
measure twice?

ALL:
We'll cut off our finger.

And how do we know this
to be true?

ALL:
You cut off your finger.

That's right.
I cut off my finger.

And this one!

This one they sewed back on,
but it doesn't work right.

Finger rejected the host.

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
wood shop was
grueling and difficult

and only came naturally
to the select few.

Check it, Mom.
I made a spice rack.

Oh, my God,

I was literally just saying
this is exactly what I need.

Whoo-hoo! Look at you,
saving us money!

We can put spices
in that.

ADULT ADAM:
Me, on the other hand...

Hey, Mom, look what I made.
It's a doorstop or a bookend.

Oh, look.
Murray, Adam made a thing.

Hoo-hoo! Look at you,
saving money on firewood!

That's what it is.
A starter log.
I feel good about this.

ADULT ADAM:
Yeah, I guess you could say
I didn't nail wood shop.

So instead, I used the class
to hone my comedic skills.

All right.
This is a butt joint.

See here?

You line up the studs,
and then you pound
that butt joint

until it locks in tight.

Questions?

I got a question.

What's the best thing to use
to wipe your butt joint?

He took something wholesome,
like a butt joint,

and made it hilarious!

Since we're all in the mood
to have a laugh,

why don't you show the class
your midterm project?

You've got it, sir.

I call it
"Really Big Jenga"!

That's just a bunch of 2x4s
you sawed in half
and stacked up.

You didn't even sand them.

Geez, if it's such a big deal,
I'll use this thingy

to sand the wood,
and then we can play.

Nobody's playing
Really Big Jenga,
Mr. Hardeeharhar!

Give me that wood.

Oh!
Balls!

Whoa!

Jenga.

* I'm twisted up inside

* But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

* I don't know the future

* But the past keeps getting
clearer every day *

ADULT ADAM:
It was January 17,
1980-something,

and my sister was going
through a true freshman
rite of passage...

Becoming a pretentious snob.

God, it all has to go, Erica.
Poison, Madonna, New Kids?

How did I ever buy into
all of this top-40,
MTV garbage?

I'm actually embarrassed
by who we were

before we took
Music Deconstruction 101

with Professor
Chang-Silverstein.

That class has, like,
opened my eyes.

No, like, my ears.

No, like, my mind.

Well, get ready to have
your mind blown,

because I asked Geoff
to get us tickets

to the Avant Garde Music
Festival of New York City.

Stop, we are actually
going to see

Philip Glass and the Tibetan
Throat Singers live?

Plus, there's a rumor
that Yoko Ono
is gonna scream onstage

for a whole hour!

I'm gonna scream from
the audience for a whole hour!

I can't believe
that our lame-ass R.A.

called us
"poser freshmen

"who are going through
a pretentious phase."

These personas we just
discovered, like, last week

are, like, who we are
and are gonna be

for the rest of our lives.

Exactly. I'll never return
to who I was.

Oh! My baby's back!

Whoa, how long were you
standing there waiting?

So long.
Come right in.

Would anyone like to sample
a flight of Hamburger Helpers?

Oh, we're not doing
processed foods anymore,

and especially not the kind
that have a spokesglove.

What's, like,
the raddest sushi place
you have in Jenkintown?

You like fish?

Uh, well, we have
a Long John Silver's.

No! Wait!

I've got Tuna Helper
right here.

Geoff, crack open a can.

Hey, Erica, it's me,
your boyfriend, Geoff.

Oh, he's plating it
all wrong.

I said, "Two heaping scoops,"
Geoff.

Two!

Hey, babe,
you get the tickets?

You know it.
The Hooters, third row.

Okay, why would we go see
The Hooters?

Um, because
it's our hometown's
favorite band

and, also, you're, like,
the hugest fan ever.

Geoff, I specifically left
a message for you
to get tickets

for the Avant Garde Festival.

Right, and I didn't understand
what that was,

so I ignored it
and got third-row center.

I cannot miss this festival,
okay?

Yoko Ono is finally gonna
free herself from the shadow

of her husband's
bubblegum band.

You mean... The Beatles?

You know what? It's fine.

I'll just do my own thing,
and you can take Barry
to go see The Hooters.

At least let me
buy you girls dessert.

Oh, there's a new
wudder-ice place.

Oh, man!
Their wudder ice is amazing!

Okay. What are you people
talking about?

Wudder ice.
Wudder ice.

Wudder ice.
What's "wudder"?

They're trying to say
"water ice."

It's a local dessert.

Ew. Your food and words
are gross.

I say we drive straight
until we find some culture.

The Hooters.

Did my daughter
just say "water,"

like she's
from Delaware?

I think she did.
Ugh. College was a mistake.

Huge.

Thank you
for coming down here,
Mr. Goldberg.

It seems there's been
a serious mishap
with some machinery.

Damn right.
Why do you always wear a tie
in shop class, anyway?

It literally can get caught
in everything.

I dress nice for the wood
because I honor the wood.

I expect the same
from my students.

I get the boy can be
a bit of a smartass,
but it's just wood.

I don't know why
you got to honor it.

I'll tell you why, sir.

I lived in a suspended
bamboo cage for three years.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Derek, while we all
thank you for your service,

I don't think
we need to hear...

It was a simple design,
but sturdy as hell.

Naturally, I tried to
saw through it
with a crude tool

I had fashioned from my hair
and some toenails.

Could we just
stay on course...

But as time wore on,
the jungle madness took me.

I tried to summon
a monkey army to free me

from my elegant fortress.

Okay, just speed through
to the end.

I soon realized that
I needed to forgive the wood

that encaged me.

Just, uh...

And when a monsoon
swept my captors into a river,

that cage became a raft
to freedom.

And so, I have
dedicated my life
to the art of woodworking.

Okey-dokey.

I'm thinking maybe a week
of detention
should do the trick.

No. You're grounded
for a month, too.

What?
You got to get serious
with your schoolwork.

Because in the future,
jokes can't pay the bills.

Oh, yes, they can.
Ask Sinbad.

I'm going to stop this.

Could we just agree no more
goofing around in shop class?

And you will personally
apologize to the wood.

You don't have to do that.

ADULT ADAM:
As my dad was rejecting
my comedy,

Geoff was finding out Erica
had rejected our hometown.

Geoff? I thought you ended up
going to the concert.

No. Erica's doing
her own thing...

Which is great.
I totally get it.

Even though it's hurtful
and I don't get it at all.

Don't worry. Our girl's just
going through a little phase.

Is she?

'Cause it kinda feels like
Erica's outgrown The Hooters

and cooked fish
and attractive clothing

and Philly's own
wudder ice.

She kinda...
Kinda what? Say it.

I can't say it.

Say it, Geoff.
I don't wanna say it.

If you don't say it,
I'll say it.

No, don't say it.
Then say it.

Erica is a giant

Whoa!
What were you gonna say?

That college has made her
snobby and pretentious.

That's what I meant!
Well, that's not
what you said.

Oh, no! I'm so upset!

You made me say it!
Now I feel horrible!

Pull it together, Geoff!
If we don't do something,

Erica's gonna
leave Jenkintown behind

to experience the world and
become an interesting person!

But how do we stop it?
You can't stop it.

Your only choice
is to become it.

Barry, no. That brie wheel
is for an entire party.

I can now handle
the richest of party cheeses

since I've become accustomed
to how the other half lives.

Now, pardon me,
and prepare to be amazed,

as I drink this...
Water.

He said it right.
How, Barry?

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, Barry had been
obsessively studying

the ways of the wealthy,
thanks to one iconic
'80s TV show.

Lifestyles of the Rich
and Famous?

Thanks to Robin Leach,

I now know everything there is
about class and wealth.

I study all the episodes
to prepare myself.

For what?

For when I'll be the Sixers
star player and team doctor,

which means,
if I get injured,

I'll be able to perform
surgery on myself.

I believe in you, cocoa tush!
So, you really think that

Erica's like these
fancy people on this show?

She's seeing Yoko Ono
being weird and artsy.

She's fancy, all right.

Turn us into horrible
rich people, Barry.

I'm in, too.
Yay, no other options.

ADULT ADAM:
While my mom and Geoff
were trying to break into

the upper class,
I was just trying
to break out of my room.

Why are you doing
out of your room?

You're grounded
for being a moron!

I can't be in that room
anymore, man.

It's like a prison with all
my toys and video games.

That's what you get
for telling bad jokes

instead of getting
good grades.

It's not like I'm gonna use
anything I've learned

in shop class...
Or math or science or history.

Sex Ed cleared up some rumors,
but that's it.

Why do you only show interest
in the most ridiculous careers

that no Goldberg has ever
succeeded in?

Ridiculous?
Give me one example.

Movie directing.
Puppeteer.

Animation.
Foley artist.

Arcade hustler.
Sci-fi cartoonist.

Stage combat instructor.
Stunt man.

And to top it all off,
now you want to include
"comedy guy"?

Damn right.
Laughter's a real profession,
and I'm all in.

In what?
This house when you're 30?

I see you have your doubts,
so how about this?

If I make you laugh
right now,

then you'll have to
fully embrace my destiny

as a professional
funny man.

And what happens
when I don't laugh?
Because I won't.

You can ground me
for the whole year.

This is a bad deal
for you.

Oh, you're on.

Or as Hans and Franz
would say...

"I'm gonna pump... You up."

Don't do this deal.

I don't want you
hanging around this house
for a whole year.

Don't worry.
I'm just getting warmed up.

Or as James Brown
would say...

"So hot!"

In the hot tub!
Yow!

Too hot
in the hot tub!

This is why it's dangerous
to believe in yourself.

ADULT ADAM:
And with that, I gave him
every comedic weapon

I had in my arsenal.

I started with some Pee Wee.

I know you are,
but what am I?

Heh heh heh!
I did some classic movies...

I'll have what she's having.

...impressions...
Ooh!

I found out
I'm color blind.

The diagnosis came completely
out of the purple!

Ooh-hoo!
...wacky wordplay...

We have clearance,
Clarence.

Roger, Roger.
What's our vector, Victor?

...prop comedy...

Where did you get
that coconut?
They're out of season.

ADULT ADAM:
...even puppetry!
High five?

I can't! My mouth will break!

This guy...

S'alright.

Why did you
make that deal

'Cause I'm a funny boy,

and I'm gonna be
a funny big boy

who makes money from it.

That's truly
the first humorous thing
that you've said

this whole conversation.

The problem isn't me.

It's my joyless grump of a dad
who has no sense of humor.

Enough with the comedy,
moron!

You're gonna get a regular job
like everybody else!

Like what?
Eh, I don't know.

A police officer, a doctor,
a... A construction worker,

an Indian chief.

You're just listing
the Village People!

You have more chance of being
in a disco supergroup

than you do from making money
telling jokes.

We'll see about that.

**

Aah!
Too forced. Didn't buy it.

I can do that again.

ADULT ADAM:
My mom and Geoff
would do whatever it took

to get Erica back,
even if it meant listening to

this fancy lad.
Ahoy, and welcome aboard

on our journey to riches
and fame-awcity.

Oh, I bet the letters
stand for stuff.

Oh, yes.
It's called a mammogram.

And we start with C,
for clothes.

From now on,
you'll only wear

the finest fabric
known to man...

Velvet, silk,
all the leathers.

Okay, I guess we could
hit Filene's Basement,

see if there's anything
in the bargain bin.

Never! You now only shop
upstairs at Filene's,

where they have fancy windows
and you pay full price.

Full price?
Can that even be done?

ADULT ADAM: Oh, it could.
Next was L, for Laughter.

The kind of condescending
cackle only reserved

for rich folks who know
they're better than you.

Wow, yeah. That was incredibly
dismissive and hurtful.

ADULT ADAM: Then came A,
for Accents, which means
you sound sophisticated,

and from anywhere
but Philly.

Now tell me
what's in this glass!
Don't think! Go!

Water! Ooh, my God!
I'm learning!

ADULT ADAM:
And last, the double S
which stood for Snooty Sauce.

All you had to do was learn
how to ask for it.

BOTH: Pardon me, have you
got any Grey Poupon?

No!
BOTH: Pardon me,

do you have
any Grey Poupon?

No.
BOTH: Pardon me.

Do you have any
Grey Poupon?

Oh, yes.

Your lesson in "class"
is complete.

Now, go out there and make
the world a worse place.

Look out, high society,
a mom and her
daughter's boyfriend

are going to New York!

Yeah, is it weird that
we've been hanging out?

A little.

ADULT ADAM:
While Geoff and my mom
were classing up,

I was discovering
my dad was down to laugh.

Hee! Hee-hee!
What was that?

What was what?
You're actually laughing!

At 227?
What is happening?

I'll tell you
what's happening.

Big Tasty's getting a taste
of the high life.

Please, I'm in the middle
of a very important
discovery right now.

Do not butt in
with your insanity.

You know what's insane?
This delicious jar of caviar.

How the hell are you paying
for caviar?

No! This is not
about him right now!

I cashed in
one of Nana's bonds

to get a little taste
of Beverly Hills.

Oh, no!

It's so salty!

They're fish eggs,
you moron.

Fish lay eggs?

It's stuck under my tongue!

I need milk!

That one
never disappoints!

Holy balls!

First you laugh at Jackée,
then at Barry?

You literally laugh
at everyone but me!

Hee-hee-hoo!

Wait. I did it?
Did I do it?

This show's hilarious!

They never leave the stoop!

ADULT ADAM:
My world was rocked.

For the first time,
nothing was funny.

Now, I want everyone to look
at my stool.

This is
a very loose stool.

See? I know it's just
a stool sample,
but it's a real mess.

ADULT ADAM:
Thanks to my dad,

my dream of comedy died.

Meanwhile, Erica's avant-garde
music adventure
had just begun.

It feels so liberating
to be here with, like,

like-minded people,
ya know?

Absolutely.
I just can't wait
to sit down and...

Holy crap!
Geoff and my mom are here!

Fancy seeing you here.

So fancy.
Indeed!

Okay, why are you here
and talking like that

and dressed like
the cast of Dynasty?

What, you mean these old
new full-priced rags

from the real Filene's
Above Ground?

Hmm. We stopped there
on the way here.

Pocket square?

No, I don't want
a pocket square, Geoff!

Again,
why are you here?

Yeah. Are you guys,
like, on a date?

On a date with culture.

I'm most excited for...

M'baku O'Shaughnessy
and the Afro Celtic
Warbling Experience.

I read about
this little musical powwow
in The New Yorker.

No, you didn't. I literally
told you I was coming here.

Did you, now?
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.

What is that?
Why are you doing that?

BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Stop ho-ho'ing.

You sound like
douchey Santas.

BOTH: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Why are you doing it?

It seems like what you do.
Oh-ho!

Okay, I don't know
what you two are doing,
but you need to go.

We're just trying to like
what you like,
'cause, you know,

you're a big
snooty jerk now.

So, I'm not allowed
to go away to college
and change and grow,

like a normal person?

Look, of course we want you
to learn and grow.

We just... Don't want you
to grow away from us.

Well, none of this
is helping your case.

Now please leave.

Fine. Maybe I'll see you
back at home.

**

ERICA: I know this isn't
what you want
to hear right now,

but they're actually
kind of cute together.

Thanks for coming.

Mr. Crosby here insisted
we do this in person.

There was another incident
in shop class today.

Sounds like we could have
covered this in a phone call,

but I'm here,
so go for it.

I was demonstrating
how to perform a mitre cut.

When I bent down
to retrieve some lumber,

I split my pants
clean down the middle.

Having lost my balance,
I reached out
for the nearest item

to steady myself,
which, unfortunately,

was an active band saw.

Now, while the blade did not
connect with any fingers,

it did shear off
one millimeter
of this pinkie nub.

Thinking fast, I ripped
my already split pants
wide open

and used the fabric
as a tourniquet.

Now bottomless and afraid,
I Donald Ducked about the room
in search of ice.

Thankfully, I had confiscated
a Slurpee from a student,

so I plunged my hand directly

into the beverage
to numb the pain.

As you can imagine,
I slipped on the mess,

toppling directly
into my star student
Jonathan Atkins.

His body was pinned
under mine,
rendering him immobile,

which was problematic, as
I had completely thrown out
my back upon impact.

The students howled
with laughter.

Once my shoulder dislocated,
I was able to free myself

and shimmy towards the door.

That's when my trick knee
gave out, and I rolled

right into the belt sander,

which toppled directly
onto my groin.

Upon impact, I... Farted...

Real bad and real loud.

I'm gonna stop you there.
Really

Yeah. What does any of this
have to do with Adam?

Today, there was one student
that did not laugh

at my ballet of tragedy.

In fact, he was so composed,
he turned off that belt sander

moments before it plunged
onto my genitals.

Your son.
Really?

You must be very proud.

**

Stop right there.

We need to talk.
Why?

You heard the guy...
I'm his star student.

He was Donald Ducking!

If you don't laugh
at a Donald Ducking,

then we got
a big problem. Big.

You're the one who told me
I needed to focus on school

to get a normal job.
That's what I'm doing.

I just wanted you to be
a little more realistic.

You told me I'd never
make it in any form
of entertainment...

Not even puppetry.

I think we both know
there's no money in puppets.

That's not the point!

I'm not good at sports
or science or math

or stupid woodworking!

But making people laugh
was the one thing
I thought I could do.

Adam...
No, I get it now.
You were right.

All I'll ever be
is just a Goldberg.

**

ADULT ADAM: With my mom gone,
Erica could finally

enjoy her new,
sophisticated music...

...if you could
call it that.

It says this piece
is about Nixon.

That was
my first thought.

It's so very haunting
and painful.

True. It's...
So painful.

I can feel the music
banging in my head

and rattling
my teeth and gums.

That's how you know
it's good.

I really love
how the bagpipes blend
horribly with the gonging

and the off-putting
bird noises...

And I just can't do it!
This is the worst!

Shh!
Quiet down.

This isn't
The Hooters concert.

Yeah, 'cause God forbid
we listen to some catchy tunes

that you can sing
and dance to.

God, when is this over?

We have, like,
three hours left.

Three hours?

I ditched my boyfriend
and awesome band for this...

Avant garbage?
I got to go.

**

Hi. Excuse me.

Have you seen a young man
in a semi-silk jacket

with an older lady
who looks like a villain
in a soap opera?

You're literally describing
everyone here.

(THE HOOTERS'
"AND WE DANCED" PLAYS)

They're gone.

Erica?

Oh, thank God
you're still here.

Why are you
missing the show?

The bagpipe solo's
about to start.

Listen, I wanted to be
more than just a girl
from Jenkintown.

The truth is, I love my town,

and all the things in it.

I live in Jenkintown.

Do you, now?

She's back. My normal,
beautiful baby is back.
* She was a bebop baby

Mom!
* On a hard day's night

No. You can't take it back.
You said you love us.

I really do.
God help me.

* There was no use talking
There was nothing to say

Anyway, what do you say
we head back to Philly

and grab a wudder ice?
* When the band
began to play and play

Actually...
I have a better idea.

* And we danced, like a wave
on the ocean, romanced

* We were liars in love
and we danced

* Swept away for a moment
by chance

ADULT ADAM: That night,
Erica learned that
you don't have to give up

where you're from
in order to grow

into the kind of person
you always wanted to be.

* And danced and danced and
danced and danced and danced

Hey.

* And we danced
I rented Stripes. I know
how you love that movie.

* Like a wave on the ocean,
romanced *
I'm... Not feeling it.

* We were liars in love,
and we danced
Okay.

There's something
you should know.

* Swept away for a moment
by chance
You really are funny.

* And we danced
and danced and danced
Stop.

No, it's the truth.
I just didn't want
to encourage you.

So, you were
just trying to

scare me away from it all?

I was, and I'm sorry.

Wow.

Never heard you say
"sorry" before.

Look, I always thought
I'd be the kind of dad

who would help guide you
with your career.

But all those things
that you love,

they make me
feel helpless.

Why?
I sell furniture, Adam.

I don't know anything
about movies or comedy

or magic or puppets.

Point is, I don't get
any of your crazy dreams.

I really don't. But if that's
what you really want,

I'm in.
* We were liars in love,
and we danced

* Swept away for a moment
by chance
That's...

Thank you.
* And we danced
and danced and danced

Just... Thank you.

* Yeah

Hey, Dad?

* And we danced
What do you call a cow
with no legs?

Ground beef.

Here's a little tip...

Don't ever do that joke
in public.

**

Um, what do you call
a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Do any of you
like impressions?

Damn. I got to learn
some impressions.

Okay, I got you the fancy
rich-people food you wanted,

but I... I just don't think...
This is my new way of living.

Bring me
my first course.

I present to you... Pate.

Like a hamburger pat

Yes!

No! Ugh!

It's like meat,
but it's smooth
like peanut butter!

Come on. Let mama make you
a shrimp parm and
a chili pot pie.

Yes! Let's cheese up
some shrimps and pie up
some chili!