All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S05E12.Dinner.With.The.Goldbergs.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM: Ah,
restaurants of the '80s.

Back then, dining out
with your family was
the highlight of the week.

Unless, of course,
you came from a loud family

with no sense of boundaries.

A family like mine.

I can't believe
you're really here.

So you're not mad
that I surprised you
at college?

I mean, I know you hate
that kind of thing.

Geoff, you being here
is the perfect gift. Really.

But you know
what's an even better gift

than just the two of us
celebrating your birthday?

ALL: Surprise.

Wait, it's your birthday?

You all told me
we were coming here

so I can be scouted
by the Washington Bullets!

Oh, my God!

You invited
my whole family!

To dinner! In public.
Why

We all drove
down together!

Murray made me
pump gas.

And nobody
rides for free.

Do you mind
giving me a sec
with my special guy

so that I can
thank him properly?

Hurry back!
Our table's almost ready.

Hi, can you grab our menus?
We're ready to sit.

I'm sorry,
there's a few parties
ahead of you.

I'm hungry, Bevy.
What's the girl saying?

The girl's saying
there's people ahead of us

but I'm just gonna nudge her
until she gives in.

It'll just be a few
more minutes, ma'am.

What do you mean
a few more minutes?

That table just sat down
and they arrived
five minutes after us.

Ma'am, I understand.
But there was
a two top ready.

So just because I decide to
build a life around my family
I'm suddenly to blame?

I'm starving, Bevy.

Here's the thing.

My husband's
blood sugar is in freefall,
we're on borrowed time.

Bevy, I'm starving!

BEVERLY: Hear that,
he's starving.

How could you?
My family, Geoff?
My family?

Um, yeah? Am I
missing something here?
It's just dinner.

At a restaurant?
It's the worst humiliation
known to man.

Their most terrible qualities
are magnified by a thousand.

You don't even understand
the events that you've
set into motion.

Leave right now
or this relationship is over.

You're gonna break up
with me over a dinner
at Beefsteak Charlie's?

No! You're gonna
break up with me!

You're never gonna want to
stay after the horrors
you see tonight.

Bevy? This isn't good.
I'm getting shaky hungry.

If I don't eat soon,
I'm gonna have to lie down.

I'll get you a roll, Murray.

Ma, Dad's lying
on people again.

All right, either get us
a table or give this man
a hot buttered roll.

No pumpernickel.

He says no pumpernickel!

BEVERLY: For the love of God,
no pumpernickel!

Geoff, look at me.
Whatever happens tonight,

I need you to know
that I love you with
all of my heart.

I'm getting scared, Erica.
What's gonna happen?

I'll tell you
what's gonna happen.

Dinner with the Goldbergs.

ADULT ADAM: Every dinner
at a restaurant begins with
being seated at a table.

But for my picky family,
no table was good enough.

Here we are, folks.

I'm sorry. I... I don't
mean to be a nudge

but this table
is garbage.

I mean, look it's right
next to the kitchen.

No worries.
Right this way.

ADULT ADAM:
And so this embarrassing
display always happened.

This one's right under
the air conditioner.

We want dinner,
not pneumonia.

I... I can't eat here.
There's an echo.

Do you hear it?

We can't do a booth,
my husband has a bad back.

He's got to sit in a chair
like a human being.

This is way too close
to the bathroom.

It has a wobble.

Hello? Ah.

There's an echo.

This just has a bad vibe.

ADULT ADAM: Every meal with
the Goldbergs began the same.

First, my dad would ravenously
attack the bread basket.

Followed by this
classic mom response.

No, Murray! No!
One roll for you only.

The same goes
for the rest of you.

I will not have you
filling up on bread.

What's with your mom
and the rolls?

He worst fear in life
is that we'll
fill up on bread.

But she also can't let
anything go to waste.

So that's where her
food purse comes in.

Food what now?

ERICA: It's a bottomless purse
lined with foil.

Oh, hi. We need
some more rolls.

Oh, I'm not your waiter,
but I'll tell him.

Wait! It says free refills.
I'll have a sprite.

Oh, again.
I'm not your waiter,
but I'll let him know.

Whoo-hoo! This family now
has a bottomless soda.

We're beating the system.

ADULT ADAM: Next, Barry
would have his traditional
middle child meltdown

over the struggles
of being left handed.

Damn it, Geoff, stop!
What?

You're masing your
dominant hand into mine!

I can't eat like this!

Ignore him. Barry just
acts like a big baby
because he's a lefty.

You don't know
the pain of the southpaw.

I feel like a left handed
prisoner of war.

Geoff, switch me!

Enough. You're sitting
where you're sitting.

Ooh, it's a cheddar biscuit.

No, Murray, no!

ADULT ADAM: It was now
decision making time.

And for my dad,
the only choice was
how to save money.

Okay. It's time for
Murray's menu rules.

Remember, no prime cuts,

no fancy sides.

No out of season vegetables.

No market price.

No salad bar.
No items in French.

No dry aged anything.

And most importantly...

ALL: No appetizers of
any kind 'cause
that's how they screw you.

Does that include
a nice soup?

Are you for real?
Is he for real?

You're gonna eat a little meal
before you eat a big meal?

How many meals do you need?

Dad, stop it. If Geoff
wants a cup of soup,

let him get a cup of soup!

I don't need the soup.
I'm... I'm sorry
I even brought it up.

You know what,
I don't trust anyone.
Hand me your spoons.

Murray, it's a special night.
Let the kids order
whatever they want.

Yes! I'm gonna get
the Porterhouse.

Everyone but you.
Excuse me, waiter.

Yoo-hoo! Can we have
a children's menu
for my baby?

Oh, again,
I'm not your waiter.
But, uh, I'll let him know.

Mom! That menu is specifically
for kids eight and under.

I'm in high school now.
No one's gonna buy
this act anymore.

Hey, moron. I'm not paying
for you to get a steak
and eat three bites.

Daddy's right,
you may be a big boy

but you've still got
a little boy belly.

Here you go, buckaroo,
and here's a cup with a lid.

ADAM: Thanks.
I know it's an octopus

but I'm gonna connect
the dots anyway.

I'm sorry.
Stop apologizing. We're fine.

Fine
We haven't even
begun, Geoff.

We haven't?
Not at all.

Because after we sit,
we order.

Waiter, we're ready
to order.

Got ya. I mean,
I'm not your waiter
but, uh, I'll just take it.

Great, my husband here
will have...

Bup-bup-bup. What's with you
always ordering for me?

I know what you like.

And I don't? I'll order
my own damn meal, thank you.

I'll have the, uh...

ADULT ADAM:
Whenever it came time to order
my dad had this crazy glitch,

where he would
immediately forget
what he liked or wanted.

Ah, come back to me.

My grandfather also had
his own way of ordering.

Excuse me?

Befriending anyone
within a ten table radius.

What's that
golden hunk of meat
you're enjoying there?

It's a pork chop.

Is it good?
Very.

I'm not in the mood
for trafe.

What about your
handsome friend?

What are you working with?
Is that some kind of pilaf?

It's wild rice.

You go, Adam. I get
a feeling these people
have a story to tell.

I'll have
the Li'l wrangler dog
and apple sauce.

Sorry. Children's menu
is eight and under.

He is eight and under.

Yes, I'm this much.

All right,
wrangler dog it is.
And what can I get you?

ADULT ADAM:
And then there was Barry.

Without fail he'd always order
the wrong thing.

You know what?
I think I'm havin'
a nice piece of fish.

No. Stop right there.
This is Beefsteak Charlie's.

Steak is in the name,
that means no fish.

How's your steamed trout?

It's not great.

Heard ya loud and clear.
Trout me.

Dude, no. Don't do this.

Well, since you've
all been such jerks,

I won't be sharing
my delicious trout
with any of you.

ADULT ADAM: And with
Barry's stubborn defiance

came my chance
to stage my own revolt.

Done! I was right.

It's an octopus with a lasso
but my childhood ends here.

Garson, bring me
the biggest steak you got.

No, Adam, no.
You're tummy can't handle
that big boy food,

it'll destroy your
insides and tushie.

I'm taking a stand,
I'm a grown ass man

and I know how to man
my big honk and meats.

Fine. But if you
don't finish it
so help me God.

Ready now, sir?
I'll have the come back to me.

And what can... Uh...
Sir

Hold on. I'm talking to
Donald and Vicki over here
about their potato.

Okay, you know what?
I will just go.

I will have the rib eye,
and a side of corn bread.
Geoff, order.

Um...

Just, um, some...
Some soup.

I'm sorry, what's that?
Soup.

I can't really get you.
Soup.

Are you saying snook?

Soup. He'll have the soup,

French onion,
a bowl not a cup.
Deal with it.

Are you trying to ruin
the entire night?

And, uh, what else
can I get for you?

No, that's, that's it, just...
Just the soup.

Decided yet?

I finally got it.

Goddamn it, come back to me.

Okay, ma'am?

Okay, write this down
very carefully.

I would like the sirloin,
medium plus,

with garlic butter sauce
on the side.

I would like
the vegetable medley,

but instead of asparagus,
I would like six pieces
of shrimp.

We don't substitute shrimp
for vegetables.

Oh, that changes everything.

My God. Here we go.
What's wrong now?

It takes my mom
ten minutes to order.

To her, the menu is just
a vague suggestion.

I would like the hanger steak
Pittsburgh style,

but instead of
bearnaise sauce,
I would like crab cakes.

We also don't
swap out sauces
for actual food.

Okay, got a whole lot of rules
that don't make any sense.

All right, here's what
we're gonna do.

I would like sirloin,
medium plus

with garlic butter sauce
on the side.

Okay, let's start over.

I would like a baked potato
with sour cream and chives

but extra sour cream
on the side.

I would like a petite fillet,
a large petite fillet,

red peppers
and beans and asparagus

and cream spinach
and add the horse radish
on the side

but I'm not, like, starving
so cut the potato in half

and put half of that to go.

And all the mushrooms
you have.

Perfect.

You sir, you look like
you're ready to order.

Uh, please come back to me.

There's no one left.
Just pick your meat already.

Why don't I just come back
in a few minutes and...

No, we're too far in.
He'll have the T-bone
a little pink inside.

Oh, yeah.
That is what I like.
All right.

Oh. I almost forgot,

it's our daughter
Erica's birthday today

and I believe that means
we get a free piece of cake.

Absolutely.
Dad, stop.

And by the way,
it's his birthday too.
Me?

They're twins. They'll have
two free big pieces of cake.

Well, happy birthday
to both of you.

I'm sorry.
Baby, it's fine. Ow.

Hands off. You're twins.

Ouch, my kidney.
I...

ERICA: Barry, stop elbowing.
May I take your order?

No, Marc, no.
Just walk away.
ERICA: Stop elbowing.

You got
a sweet Hawaiian roll.

No, Murray, no.

Hey, look at the size of
Garry's giant fillet.

I just wanna drink
this soda
like a human being.

Oh, God! It's so cold,
but I'm fine.

Waiter, refill on the soda.

And rolls,
and sugar packets
and more rolls.

ADULT ADAM: It seemed
like dinner hit
rock bottom,

but it was gonna get
much worse.

Geoff had gotten a taste of
dinner with the Goldbergs,

but the worst
was yet to come.

God. I know exactly
what's gonna happen,

but it's still a nightmare
to live through.

You gotta calm down, okay?
Honestly, you're
making it worse.

Me

It's just,
you're so yelly.

Yeah. I'm trying
to protect you.

I don't need protecting.
Just chill out a little.

Fine. From here on out,
you're on your own

and believe me,
the worst is yet to come.

Hey, no salad bar.
That counts as an appetizer.

I tried, buddy.
Good luck.

ADULT ADAM:
After we ordered dinner,

came the hardest part
of the meal

for my
impatient family, waiting.

I cannot believe
our food isn't here.

Must be some kind of
a mistake.

Excuse me, I can't see
our waiter anywhere.

No, that's me,
I'm your waiter.

Remember, Marc?

All the tables
that ordered after us,
already got their food.

First we ordered.
Then that table,
then them.

ADULT ADAM: Like all mothers,
my mom watched each table
order like a hawk

so she knew when it was
our turn to get served.

Then them, then them
and then that big group
over there with my dad.

They have names, Bevy.

This is Doug and Fran
and Lee-Ann
and little Bobby.

I'll check on it
right away, ma'am.

Oh, I'm getting shaky hungry.
I'm gonna have some rolls.

No, Murray, no.
Do not touch the rolls.

Oh, wait. Finally.
Here it comes.

ADULT ADAM: At long last,
our piping hot dinner
was on its way to my family.

And we would feast upon
Beefsteak Charlie's
finest meats.

And... Still not our order.

What in
the actual !

That waiter just
gave them our
food by mistake.

Those bastards.

We gotta get our food.

Wait, like go take it
from them.

I want my fish.

I'm getting shaky hungry.
I can't wait.
I gotta eat the rolls.

Don't touch the rolls.
Geoff, Barry, let's go.

Really? Get the food
from those poor people?

ADULT ADAM: Okay,
you may not believe
what happened next,

but this is all true,
this happened.

Hi, hello.
Uh, you have our food

so we're just going to
take that out of your way.

Are you sure?
Uh, yeah.

We ordered first
and look at this.

That's medium plus,
that's what I ordered.

That's rare.
These are ours.
Yeah.

Sorry about the mix-up.

Oh, boy.
Everybody look away

'cause this is not
gonna be pretty.

Damn it. I waited
this whole time

and they still don't have
my dinner.

Waiter, excuse me.
My boy never got
his river fish.

I'm not your waiter
and where did this
come from?

They took it
from our table.

Ma'am, this is not
your food.

Oh, no. Did we just touch
and steal food
from those nice people?

Okay, here we go every...
Oh, boy.

ADULT ADAM: And that's when
our dinner really did arrive.

Uh, hi, hello.
Over here.

So sorry about the mix-up,
you can just come and take
your food back.

No. You poked it.

Well, it was just
a little poke.

Uh, I didn't
poke anything.

But I did.
I jammed my thumb
in there like a champ.

Many apologies, sir.

We'll rush out
another order.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going
with that?

To throw it out.
No, that's a waste.

Pack it up.
We'll take it to go.

You want to take home
the meal that wasn't yours?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're gonna throw it
in a big garbage bag.

Why don't you put it
in a little doggie bag?
We'll take it.

Okay, now he's
actively stealing.

Don't look at me.
I'm busy enjoying
the other table's fries.

Sure, it's no problem.
We'll wrap all of this.

ADULT ADAM: For my family,
dining out wasn't about
the quality of the food,

it was about the quantity.

And it was best expressed
with one word.

The portions, huh?

Such big portions.

The biggest portions
in town.

Can you believe
the portions?

I don't like
my large portion.

This portion's not good.

My portion's, like, huge.

Why are there
three baked potatoes
on here too?

It's madness.

Psst! I'll trade you
this fish for anything
you got.

Dude, if I don't eat
this while giant steak,

Mom's never gonna
let me order
off the adult menu again.

What's going with you?
Is your little tummy
full already?

Nope. Barry's just mad
'cause I'm gonna finish this
all on my own.

I told you
not to get that fish.

Geoff. I'm your best friend,

pour half of your soup
into my glass.

Geoff, do not.

I'm so hungry, please.

He knew better
than to order trout
at a steak house.

Don't support
his bad judgment.

Erica, please help me.

I wouldn't worry about it.
Everything's gonna be
sent back anyway.

What do you mean?

Oh, it's all going back.
You'll see.

I don't wanna see.
Just tell me
what's gonna ha...

ADULT ADAM: We finally began
our meal and it tasted
damn fine.

But fine was not good enough
for my mom
who always did this.

Excuse me, waiter.
Ugh. My fries are ice cold.

Hi, I kinda switched
with Alex

'cause you keep
ordering from him.

Feel them, ice cold.

Also, I ordered the T-bone
a little pink inside,
but it's way overdone.

I'll fix both of yours
right away.

Geoff, didn't you order
a bowl of soup?
That's a cup.

No, I'm fine,
totally fine.

It's not a problem.
I'll take it back
and make sure it's right.

If things are getting
sent back,

maybe I should get
the petite filet

instead of this
Longhorn Gutbuster?

Also please take back
this stinky fish.

Oh, no. You got the fish,
you keep the fish.

You all get to send back
for new meat

and I'm stuck with
this old soggy trout?

Do me a favor,
uh, wrap that up,
we'll take it.

You want me to wrap up
the food you don't like?

What is it with
this restaurant
and wasting food?

We'll also have
a refill on the soda.

And more rolls and straws and
Sweet'n Low and more rolls.

ADULT ADAM: Like always,
Barry hated his order.

As for the rest of us,
we finally stopped yelling
and started eating.

At this point,
my hungry dad

would go into
a blissful food zone,

and then,
this would happen.

He'd choke.

Um, is your father okay?

Eh, he's fine.
This is just what he does
when he gets in the zone.

But he's choking.
He'll power through it.

Doesn't seem like he will.

Trust us,
there's plenty of air
going around the meat.

There's no air.

Look at him.
This is a full-on
real choke.

No. Look, he's trying
to put mushrooms
on his fork right now.

Why is he doing that?
Why does he continue to feed?

The man is dying.

What's with all the hubba?

I can't just sit here
and let him choke like this.

Against my better judgment,
I'm letting you know that this
is the happiest my dad gets.

Don't worry, Mr. G.
I'm a lifeguard at the JCC.

Arms up.
Find the sternum.

Don't find the sternum.

Why are you touching me?
Don't touch me.

GEOFF: I'm trying
to save your life.

Why? Sit down.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
the Goldberg's officially
broke the sweetest

boyfriend in the world.

Waiter. Over here.

No. This has
never been our waiter.

Look at his face.
He's an entirely
different person.

Geoff. You're making a scene.

Oh, right.
Because the last
thing we want

is some unwanted
negative attention.

This family should be
barred from any and all
dining establishments.

I'm talkin'
Beefsteak Charlie's,

China Garden, Applebee's,
even Tony Roma's.

I hear they make
a top-notch shrimp scampi.

Oh, my God.
At a steak place
you get steak

and in a place for ribs,
you eat ribs with your
dominant hand

without complaining
that the world is
prejudiced against you.

Burn. He got you good.

And you. You know,
despite your age,

you still sound look like
and sound like a tiny boy,

so just order accordingly.

He's right,
you barely touched steak.

And, you.
You turned your purse
into a mini fridge.

You took an hour to order,

then stole food
from that table
and then sent it back.

Hey. We're trying
to enjoy Devon's
graduation dinner in peace.

And you.

That's just a nice family
trying to have a special
meal together.

Leave them alone.

What's captain soup
going on about?

And you.

With your menu rules
and your communal soda

and your forcing me
to just eat soup.

You think
I didn't want steak?

I chose this place.

I love their meats
and their sides

and why do you keep
eating through everything
I'm saying right now?

You know,
you really are ruining
our good people's name

and you know
what I'm talking about.

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday
Erica and Geoff

* Happy birthday
to both of you *

ADULT ADAM: It was time
for the final stage of dinner,

the moment Beverly
ceased to be a mother

and became the world's
greatest forensic accountant.

Well, it's a good thing
I travel with my calculator

because we are being
aggressively overcharged.

Okay, the cake is free,

double check there's
no cake out there.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

I'm gonna go outside.
BEVERLY: Waiter,

it says we're being
charged for a larger steak

when my son switched
to the petite.

And don't forget
one soda, make sure.

Also you said
you'd take off
for the icy cold fries.

Zero cake, one soda,
triple check.

All right, Murray,
you're just slowing me down.

All right,
which one of you
is the waiter?

I'll tell you who
your waiter was.

No, no, Alex,
it's not worth it.

You're right, you're right.

Hey.

Look, I don't need
to hear I told you so.

I just wanted to be
closer to your family,

but I made a mess
of everything.

No. You didn't.

Look, I have
to admit something.

I love you,
but I never thought

that we could go the distance
because I didn't think you
could handle my family.

But...

Man, the way you stood
up to them was awesome.

You're one of us, Geoff.

You think?

I know.

MURRAY: Bap-bap.

Remember,
you guys are twins.

Keep the lie up
until I get my
credit card back.

We're having a moment, Dad.

I need to have a moment
with Soupy Sales if you
don't mind.

Don't worry.
I'll be very nice.
I promise.

Look, before
you say anything,

just let me apologize for,
you know, grabbing you

and yelling at you
and suggesting that
you're a thief.

What are you
apologizing for?

That's what happens
at all our dinners.

So you're not mad?
Even about the soup?

The next time,
you can have soup
and an entree.

Wow, that's...

Really?

Just don't tell the others.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
Geoff did the impossible.

He survived dinner
with the Goldbergs.

But even better,
he gained my Dad's respect.

Thank you for making
sure my schmoo had
a great birthday.

It was a special night.

Yeah, I certainly
will never forget it.

GEOFF: And they're gone.

At least until they realize,
they left Pops inside.

Wait, he's still in there
talking to that couple
that just got engaged?

For sure.

So do you wanna go
get actual food now?

Yeah, all I had was soup
and Barry stole half of it.

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
this dinner with the Goldbergs
was just like any other.

It was noisy, messy,
highly embarrassing

but somehow we always left
feeling closer and our
hearts filled with love.

And my mom's purse
filled with rolls.

MAN: Barry! Barry!

WAITERS:
* Happy birthday to you

Breakfast is served.

The only thing better
than eating out is
leftovers the next day.

Steak and eggs for you.
Steak and eggs for you
and for Barry,

a fishy scramble made from
last night's half eaten trout.

What? That thing should've
never left the restaurant.

And let it go to waste.
Oh, no, mister. You eat
that fishy scramble.

I don't want
the fishy scramble.

You eat that fishy
scramble right now.

Ugh!

Mm. Wow. This fishy
scramble is yummy.

Want to get on this, Adam?
I'm good.

How about you old man?
It's like fish scramble
heaven over here.

Please take that plate
away from me.

Eat it!