All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S05E01.Weird.Science.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-ViSUM_track3_[eng]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my life changed forever

when I saw the movie
Weird Science.

For a geek like me,
nothing was cooler

than two social
outcasts using their
tricked-out computer

to create a magical
dream-woman.

Was it absurd?
Sure.

Did it stop me?
No.

(ADAM CHANTING GIBBERISH)

By the way, why are we
wearing bras on our heads?

Ceremonial.

Cut.
So how'd we do?

May I just point out
how incredibly flawed

the gender politics
of all of this is?

Please don't judge me.

I just have
an unhealthy desire

to live in each and every
John Hughes movie.

I'm just hoping
this actually works

and we magically create
a foxy babe for me
to smooch on.

Wait, you do realize
none of this is real.

Let Dave Kim have this.

Show time.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

It worked?

Yes!
I built an Erica.

Hey, weirdos.
I'm leaving for college

in 30 minutes,
and I need my bras.

Ew!
I put it on my head!

You told me these belonged
to your grandma.

Which is not much better
now that I saw it out loud.

Okay, I'm off to college.

Adam, I'll miss you.
Dave Kim, the opposite.

You keep telling
yourself that.

(GAGS)

ADULT ADAM:
I particularly related
to the brother dynamics.

Wyatt was bullied by Chet,
and I had to live with Barry.

Hey, that's my serving
of fruit for the day.

Oh, then maybe you should
have some punch.

Ow!

Okay, morons.

We're only gonna be gone
for three days.

Try and be alive
when we get back.

All right,
that's everything.

Whoa, what's
all this stuff?

When I went to college,
all I brought were some
flip-flops and a cookie.

Hold on, Shmoo.
There is one thing you forgot.

Time to give Mama
all the kisses.

Oh, come on, dude.
Really?

It's what we've done
every first day of school
since kindergarten.

Now, give me all the kisses
so I can store 'em away

for a rainy day
like little love-acorns.

No, I don't even remember
how to do it.

Easy.

Eskimo kiss,

butterfly kiss,

cheek kiss, cheek kiss,

and one last kiss
for your palm

to ball up
and stick in your heart.

Gotcha.

Well I am gonna put this
in my bag for later.

Don't put my kiss
in your dark duffel bag.

Take it out and put it
in your heart.

Stick my kiss
in your heart.

I don't want the kiss, Mom.
Okay, okay. Stop.

I will take your precious kiss
out of the dark bag

and put it in my heart.

Fake out. It's gone.

No! I caught it, and I'm
throwing it back to you.

No, take it back.
You take it.

Take this kiss, Mom.
You keep it.

I'm not going to college
with a kiss.

You're killing me.
Quit it.

I don't want it!

This is gonna be
a long car ride.

* Weird science

ADULT ADAM: It was August 27,
1980-something,

college move-in day,

or for my mom,
the end of the world.

I can't believe we're already
moving you into college.

It seems like only yesterday,

I was trying to get
your preschool teacher fired

for letting you
smell those toxic markers.

I hate this humidity.

It feels like someone
opened up a dishwasher

mid-cycle in my pants.

You can change
your swampy chinos

when you get
to Erica's room.

Got it.

ERICA: Listen, I know
it's hard to say goodbye,

which is why I'm giving you
a very generous

three hours to part ways.
Cool?

Not cool.
I need 6 to 20.

Mom, look around.
Where are we right now?

D.C. School of the Arts.

And who got in off
the wait-list last-minute,

enraging Dad 'cause he lost
his deposit at Emory?

You.
Point is, I know it goes

against everything
you stand for,

but you have
to say goodbye.

Bye. Bye, now.

Ta-ta.

See you
on the flip-flop.

What are you doing?

Practicing the different
ways of saying goodbye.

It's gonna be very hard
when that day comes.

That day is now.
Leave that.

Go get the rest of your stuff
out of the car,

and I'll help you unpack.

Hello.

By any chance, are you
Erica Goldberg's R.A.?

Yes. I'm Srini.
You must be Erica's mother.

Don't worry. Your daughter's
in great hands.

Ah, that is
so good to hear.

Now shut your (BLEEP) mouth
and do everything

I'm about to tell you.
Oh, dear.

You might be
the other kids' R.A.,

but when it comes to my
little pickle, you're me.

It's your job to see
that she's fed, well-rested,

and regular.

Actually, I'm pretty sure
my job is to hand out
pamphlets

and make sure no one's
being loud after 10:00.

Not anymore.

Here's a variety
of medicines to help

with Erica's allergies
and sour tummy.

Now, if flu season
comes early this year,

how's your
chicken soup game?

Soup's really
not my area.

I'm more of
a resident advisor.

You have a freezer
in your mini-fridge.

Keep this in there
in case of emergencies.

I can take out
the tiny little ice tray,

but I'm still not sure
that would fit.

You have given me
zero confidence

that you are up
for this important task.

I agree.
I'm not up to it.

Oh, there she is.
There's my baby.

Erica, this is Srini,
your R.A.

Hi. I'm Erica.
I hope my mom is behaving.

Um, she's, uh...
Ah...

So, what room am I in?

Um, 103
with Erica Coolidge.

Oh, no.

You're both named Erica.
Please don't be mad.

It's crazy
how much you care.

Erica, you're
in very good hands.

Hey!
Hi, I'm your roommate,

apparently also Erica.

Like, hi.

I totally for sure
call top bunk,

mostly 'cause your dad
already took the bottom.

Oh, your roomie's
a valley girl.

Just like in that movie
where everybody's rude
and unlikable.

She'll be gone very soon.

Anyway, it's nice
to finally meet.

For sure.
For sure.

For sure.
For sure.

For sure.
For sure.

Or whatever.
I'm not mocking your people.

Aw.
This is so great.

You two are
gonna be best friends
for the rest of your...

Oh, no!
Is that a hot plate?

That has got to go.

You're gonna burn
the place down.

You know, that's how
Buddy Holly died.

Bevy, Buddy Holly died
in a plane crash.

We don't know there wasn't
a hot plate on that plane.

She'll be gone soon, Erica.
Just hang in there.

She's totally a barf bag,
but I'll manage.

I was actually
talking to myself.

Sorry I called your mom
a barf bag.

No, no.
Your instincts are good.

ADULT ADAM:
While Erica couldn't wait
to lose my mom,

my brother was trying
to find love.

Prepare yourselves, ladies.

The impossible
is now possible.

Barry Goldberg is
on the open market.

Um, what is this?

Your destiny.

So, who amongst you
is ready to battle

in a Thunderdome-like
cage match for my affection?

Dude, what world
do you live in?

You're, like,
a 2 at best.

ADULT ADAM: Naturally,
Barry was delighted
by the flirtation

until he realized
just bad he got burned.

Like always, he took it out
on me and my pudding cup.

Why?

Huge news, baby brother.

My senior year of awesome
begins now.

I've got a three-part plan
to achieve legendary status.

Step 1, lock down a new
girlfriend way hotter

and smarter than Lainey.

I'm realistic, which is why
I've allotted 48 hours

for her to find me.

It's in her court now.

Step 2, become starting
varsity power forward?

Weren't you kicked
off the basketball team
in seventh grade?

Well, Coach McCoy said
I could join the team

after I learned
how to pass.

But he died,
so the ball-hog's back.

Next?
Wait. Step 3 is me.

What does that even mean?

I've penciled you in for
a daily display of dominance

and humiliation
to boost my visibility

in front of the more
popular, meaner kids.

It's so detailed.

Purple nurples, dead arms,
swirlies, butt hat.

What's a butt hat?

Aw, I hate this hat.
Take it off!

BARRY: Show's over,
folks.

You did good work
today, champ.

Love you.

Well, we now know
what a butt hat is.

This is bad.

Without Lainey around,
Barry's gonna concentrate

all his horrible
energy on me.

Well, there's only
one thing left to do,

find him
a new girlfriend.

Let me help.
Don't.

He has a wildly unrealistic
view of his general appeal.

Lainey fell for him,
right?

She was a unicorn.

There's no way we'll ever
find someone so blind

to Barry's idiocy
ever again.

Well, maybe I can.

Just give me a list
of the things he's looking for

and we can find him a girl.

I'll try, but he doesn't
really open up to me

besides his butt cheeks
to make a hat.

Yeah, I wouldn't
keep bringing that up.

ADULT ADAM:
As I enlisted Jackie
to help find a girl for Barry,

Erica had finally
found peace in her dorm,

or so she thought.

Oh, there you are.

I have something
special for you.

Um, that's like every lame
R.A. pamphlet that exists.

Please, just take them.

And maybe, please,
let your mom know
that I gave them to you.

Sure.

Wow.
Right in front of me.

I just met a totally radical
guitarist, so don't wait up.

Really? 'Cause I thought
that we could hang out

and get to know each other.

I feel like
I already know you

because your mom's
been telling me, like,
a lot of stories.

Why are my parents
still here?

Your dad napped and then took
a cab back to the hotel.

He's a sweaty man.

Anyway, like, bye.

ADULT ADAM:
Erica knew it was time
to send my mom home...

Ta-da!

...but my mom brought
our entire home to her.

This seems concerning.

I made it look just like
your old bedroom

so you wouldn't
get homesick.

Oh, I even
brought Donnie,

your favorite new boy
in the neighborhood.

He's a New Kid
on the Block,

he doesn't belong here,
and neither do you.

Just please go.

Oh, I can't leave now.
It's dark outside.

So?

So, I have horrible
night vision

and can't get
behind the wheel.

You have a perfectly good
bed back at your motel.

You need to get
in the car and go.

And miss a turn and hit
a semi and flip the car

and end up pinned under
the steering wheel

while the station wagon
burns around me?

Is that what you want
for your mother?

ADULT ADAM:
It was classic Bev guilt,
which totally worked.

College is fun.

While Erica settled in
for a co-ed nightmare,

Barry was dreaming about
his old flame Lainey Lewis.

Hey, handsome.

Just for fun
and no other reason,

what qualities are you
looking for in a lover?

Wait, why are you asking me
about beautiful bikini babes?

I just thought, maybe,
I could help you find
a new girlfriend

to start your year of awesome.

What would I let someone
who wears my butt as a hat
set me up with a girl?

ADULT ADAM: As expected,
Barry wasn't biting,

so I had to get creative.

Too bad, 'cause my plan
was to Weird Science you
up a hot girl.

Dude, a computer
can't really do that.

It can do anything.

Did you know a computer
just defeated

the world's greatest
chess champion?

In chess?
Yes!

No! Why wasn't I told?

Stupid Dan Rather!

Just jot down some things
you might like in a lady,

and I'll use list to
whip you up a hot babe
of your liking.

While I'm excited to put
all my eggs in this basket,

I still need
scientific proof.

Mr. Connelly,
it's a scholastic emergency!

Come as fast as you can.

You're a really
good science teacher.

I... I got a question.
No, no.

Don't bother the man.
Zip it, little nerd.

I need to talk
to the big nerd.

Sir, in your expert
scientific opinion,

is it possible for me to
Weird Science up a girlfriend?

ADULT ADAM:
It was game-over.

Scientifically speaking...

My teacher always
took science seriously.

...absolutely.

Until he didn't.

I knew it!

Watch out, Kelly LeBrock.

Big Tasty's comin' for ya.

Why would you lie
like that?

Between you and me,

I have a butt-wad of
an older brother, too.

You know, I'm using that movie
to find him a girlfriend
so he won't beat me up.

Would he actually
fall for that?

Dude, come on!

Let's go make me
this girl already.

Every week,
he surprises us.

Whoo!
Year of awesome!

ADULT ADAM:
My mom was so psyched
to be spending

the first night
of college with Erica,

she literally couldn't sleep.

Okay, stop.
What are you doing?

Assembling your
safety credenza.

First aid, fire ladder,
canned foods, powdered milk,

and a handheld siren
to alert rescuers

when you're
caught in rubble.

It's really loud.
Want to hear?

I am in college.
I don't need any credenzas.

Now go to bed
before someone finds out

that you're still here.

Evening, Erica.

I wanted to inform
you and Erica

of tonight's freshman mixer

that the school has
mandated me to throw.

"Jamaican' Me Crazy" party?

Ya, mon!

This doesn't come
naturally to me.

Can this be over, now?

As long as you're there.
The kids you meet tonight

might end up being
your friends for life.

Of course, my college friends
are now doctors and lawyers

while I pursue
a foolish dream

of making art
from everyday garbage.

Like Nick
from Family Ties?

It was my idea first.

Anyway, uh,
thanks for the invite,

but I have company
in here already.

As in
romantic company?

Why do you care?

I just don't know what
I'm gonna tell your mother!

She got to you, didn't she?
You've been compromised.

Srini betrayed me!
Open that door.

No way! No one can ever know
about this shameful night.

(ALARM RINGS)

Is that a fire alarm?
I hear a fire alarm.

Mom, relax.
This is college.

Kids pull alarms
every two seconds.

No, you're right.
You're right.

I'll just hang here
and keep a low profile...

And I smell smoke!

Move!
(HANDHELD SIREN BLARES)

Follow the sound of
my hand siren to safety.

Oh, dear. Oh, my.

ADULT ADAM: Mom was right.
Hot plates and dumb
college students do not mix.

Please refer to the pamphlet
on fire evacuation

I provided earlier...

Or just run for your lives!

Make a hole, people!
Make a hole! Make a hole!

Erica Dorothy Goldberg,
you come find your mama!

College is fun.

ADULT ADAM:
While my sister's freshman
year went up in flames,

I had to bring Barry's cool
new girlfriend to life,

or at least make it
seem like that.

Show time.

Let's get weird.

What are my responsibilities
here, again?

I needed bras,

and you're the only guy
I knew who could get them.

Time to hack
into NASA.

ADULT ADAM:
And hack in to NASA we did.

All we needed was my
trusty modem, a little luck,

and my girlfriend
on the other end

pretending to be the most
powerful space agency
in the world.

It's working.
We're making a lady.

ADULT ADAM:
With Barry on board, it was
time for the next phase,

figure out his taste.

ADAM: As you can see,
NASA needs to know

exactly what your
dream-girl looks like.

Again, this is just
between me, you,

the American space program,
and no one else.

That makes me feel safer
about opening up to you.

Sure.
Tell NASA she has to have

Heather Locklear's eyes,
Julia Roberts' smile,

Delta Burke's top stuff,
Bo Derek's hair,

but most important,

Chuck Norris'
sense of justice.

Oy vey.
Time to make that button

and make that closet explode
with lightning and hot ladies.

ADULT ADAM: But, naturally,
Barry's dream woman
didn't exist,

so I had to get
him back on track.

Odd.
It's not working.

What the hell, man?
You promised me a lady.

I already spent a fortune
on candles and erotic oils!

I think the computer
just needs more data,

for example, grounded,
realistic qualities

you could find in women
you'd see in everyday life
or at our school.

Give me that typer!

I'll punch in all the lady
data it can handle.

This list is ridiculous.

How am I supposed
to find a girl who likes
"sensual karate"

and "can kick
a 50-yard field goal"?

Good news is he's looking
for a very specific
kind of gal.

"Ability to communicate
with dolphins
and a savage tan"?

Adam, this list is insane.

Look, this began
with me worrying about
my physical safety,

but now I think Barry
really needs this.

Okay, sure.
I'll try to find someone

with "Morgan Fairchild's
side-butt."

I don't even know
what that is.

I believe in you.

ADULT ADAM: While I put
my faith in Jackie,

my sister was losing faith
that my mom would ever leave.

So, I guess it doesn't matter
if I go on record

and say, "I'm sorry."

No.

I allotted you a very fair
three hours to say goodbye.

Instead, I'm forever known
as the girl who had her mommy

sleep in her dorm
on the first night of school.

Honey, this is college.

There's no judgment here.

(LAUGHS) You let your mom
sleep over on the first night?

Oh, that is very memorable.
(CHUCKLES)

In a negative way.

(LAUGHTER)

That's it.
You are leaving right now,

and never coming back.

The sun's up,
so there are no excuses.

I might have out-stayed
my welcome,

but that's because saying
goodbye is so hard.

No! I'm supposed to be
making life-long friends,

and you took it
away from me

because you refuse
to say goodbye.

Fine.
I'll go.

Right after brunch,
and then we'll spend a few
hours at the Smithsonian,

and then to top it all off,
you have to give Mama
all the kisses.

You can forget about
getting all the kisses.

Not even butterfly?
No!

Surely, Eskimo kisses
are still on the table.

You will never
again experience

the warm nose-love
of our chilly, Native friends.

That is literally
the worst thing a daughter

has ever said to a mother.

(GROANS)

ADULT ADAM:
As Erica swore off
coming home forever,

I swore Jackie and I
had found the perfect girl
for Barry's senior year.

Barry, great news!
I have a girl for you.

Yes!
I knew science was real.

I don't think
that was up for debate.

I meant Jackie
found someone.

You gave her
my lady recipe?

That was for
NASA's eyes only!

I know.
But she found someone

who's got everything
you asked for. Right?

Um, I didn't hit
everything on your list,

but at the top,
you asked for a girl,
and I got that part.

That's not nothing,
mister.

I got goosebumps.

Let's stop talking and bring
out our mystery girl.

Hey! (GIGGLES)

Carla?
Are you insane?

She's a loose cannon,
and not the good kind

like a vigilante cop

who endlessly frustrates
his commissioner.

It's true. The court-appointed
psychiatrist gave up on me.

I didn't even know
you liked me.

I don't. But he dated Lainey,
and she's my rival,

so I'm taking what's hers.

Give me her address so I can
send her photos of us in love.

No. I don't want
this aggressive loony toon
as my special lady.

Well, that's all we got.
Thanks, Adam.

You've officially made
a mockery of our plan

to have a computer
print out a girl for me.

Oh, my God, dude!

Weird Science isn't real!

There will never be
a year of awesome

or girls fighting over you
in a Thunderdome,

and you're not gonna
live with Kathy Ireland!

All you are is Barry!

Believe me. I know.

And I know that movie's
just a movie.

Then why did you...

I just wanted to believe
things would be okay.

That... That...

Lainey wasn't a fluke.

That someone would actually
love me again.

Barry...
No.

You're right.

Looks like I'm back
to being me.

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to me,
Barry had hit rock bottom,

so it was time for me
to get him back on top.

What's this?

I've revised your daily
ass-kicking schedule

for your year of awesome.

Go away.
I don't need your pity.

Before you reject my offer,
I think you'll agree

that I've really jazzed up
your options.

No.
Yes.

You get to pants me in public,
and not just anywhere,

at the first pep rally
of the year.

In front of
the entire school?

That'd be the Holy Grail of
younger-brother humiliation.

Indeed. And I'm offering
it to you wearing this.

Sweat pants?

That's a loose garment
ideal for pantsing.

But it gets better.

ADULT ADAM: It really did.

I then presented Barry
with the ultimate

little-brother sacrifice,
my drawstring.

The uncinched sweats
will be loose

beyond your wildest dreams.

Have you gone mad?

To get you back to your
rightful place on top,

I would rip the drawstring

from every loose-fitting
pant I own.

Wow, you really
are a good brother.

But

none of this changes the fact
that Lainey's gone

and I'll never find
anyone like her.

Listen, Weird Science
might not be real,

but you'll find
your dream girl.

I know it in my heart.

You think?
Of course.

Someone's gonna see
what Lainey saw in you,

what I see in you.

and that's a legend.

Thanks.

I don't know whether
to give you a hug
or a butt hat.

Both sound
very uncomfortable.

Let's start with this.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
I helped Barry realize

that he could still have
an epic senior year,

even if it wasn't
quite what he imagined.

Morning, or whatever.

Same clothes.
Fun night?

From what I hear,
not as fun as the night

you had with your mommy?

So, want to help me
take down all this crap?

ADULT ADAM:
That day, Erica finally
got her new start

by letting go of the past.

But sometimes
that's not so easy.

That's a cute photo.

ERICA: It was the first day
of kindergarten.

I was so scared, and she
stayed with me the whole day.

That's a good mom.

Damn it,
why do I miss her?

Seriously, something's
wrong with me.

I mean, yeah, your folks
are weird and intrusive,

but they were here.

My parents were
too busy to come.

And that's bad?

I didn't think it was until
I saw your mother cared enough

to bring your home right here.

You're lucky.

ADULT ADAM: And,
thanks to Erica,

Erica realized
how fortunate she really was.

"Bad night vision"?
Really?

That is a real thing.

I hear my dad complaining
about it all the time.

Hey.

(GASPS)
My baby's back!

Mom, I'm just
here to say goodbye.

So, you don't hate me?

Look, I know I've been pushing
you away since we got here.

I guess it's just
easier to do that

than actually accept
that this is it.

So, now what?

ADULT ADAM:
And so, after everything,

my mom got exactly
what she wanted.

The idea that leaving
for college

was just as hard for
my sister as it was for her.

And one last kiss
in your palm

for you to ball up
and stick in your heart.

* Just half a chance

* Make sure that
one night you're here

* But next night, you're not

ADULT ADAM:
As for Barry, well,
he realized his senior year

could be a little easier
if he teamed up with me.

Here you go,
little bro.

* Tenderness

* Tenderness

* Tenderness

It's kind of sweet
how you look after
your little brother.

Yeah?

Um, yeah.

Thanks.

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
you'd be surprised

what a little help
from your loved ones
can do for you.

No matter how far away
you are,

you can always keep
a little piece of home

close to your heart.

* Tenderness

Oh, hey, Jackie.
Are you staying for dinner?

I'm making chicken-fried
chicken Parm.

Thanks, but I should
just get going.

BOTH: Eskimo kiss.

Butterfly kiss.

Cheek kiss.
Cheek kiss.

And one last kiss in your palm

so you can ball it up
and stick it in your heart.

I, uh, taught her
all the kisses.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh.