Original subtitles

a happy man today if I had a head of hair.

She's arriving now.

So far, so good.

Thank you.

Good morning, Miss Rita.

Good morning. Welcome to the Grand Hotel, my darling. Thank you. This way,

please. Thank you.

Okay, go on. Do your stuff. Go on.

Thank you so much. Bye -bye.

All right, Mr. Gill, I'd say discretion is the key word here.

Oh, Harry, how right you are.

Discretion, of course.

Yes, my hotel detectives must be efficient. We're not seen or heard,

Right.

99 % of your guests are going to be on vacation here.

Absolutely. It's wonderful, Harry, to have someone of your vast experience to

help set it all up. Thank you very much.

Relax, relax.

Who in the family would do a thing like that? All right.

I'll borrow her all the way from you, Ralph.

Arkansas? U .S. of A. Yes. It was your first vacation.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Jell.

Gal, madam. The name's Gal, not Jell.

Oh, thank you anyway.

Thank you.

Okay, now, you see, your dog's name is Muffin.

Okay, now, just try and tell me exactly what happened.

What are you trying to do to me, LaRoche? That's the message, darling.

Joe Flynn won't be here for 48 hours. 48 hours? You mean we're stuck with that

for two days? Oh, don't be beastly. It's only a little popular. All right, the

plan needed a dog, and we got it. Now, what's happened to Flynn?

Unavoidably delayed.

Well, you know I'm sick, and Flynn knows I'm sick, and I'm tense. I'm a very

tense person.

Oh, do relax, darling. How can I relax? I have a nervous wreck.

I've got a rotten stomach and rheumatism in my knees, and I...

I put her in the counter next to me.

And when I was done registering, I turned around and she was gone.

The basket was gone, the bow was gone, and the dog was gone.

What kind of a dog is she?

She's just a little poodle.

Just a little tiny one.

Tiny? Now, how tiny is tiny?

It only weighs two pounds.

She's white.

Looks like a little snowball.

Sex?

No.

She's just a puppy.

Eric, come here.

I want to ask you something, and I'm very serious.

Does my baldness bother you? I mean, am I...

Am I still attractive in spite of it? Darling, it's super. Much better than

that long -haired stuff.

I'd be a happy man today if I had a head of hair. That's all I ever wanted out

of life, a full head of hair.

I probably never would have turned to crime.

Harry, Harry, that lady, Miss Rita was asking for you. I figures were she. Out

by the pool.

Harry, this is a new hotel, and I'm trying desperately hard to build up a

reputation.

Please, try to do what you can.

Please.

Miss Reeder?

Hi. Hi. Hey, have you found Muffin yet? Well, we're still looking for him. It

may take some time, I guess.

Look, now, that's all right. You just take as much time as you think you need.

You don't seem quite as worried as you were before.

I'm plenty worried.

But see, I've been thinking about it. And I figured that Muffin's so adorable

that if anybody did take her, they sure sure couldn't hurt her.

Oh. And anyway, maybe they just borrowed her.

Since they're cute, she wouldn't mind them probably borrowing myself.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

You really think so?

Yeah. Because, you know, I still want her back.

Okay.

Wrong again, huh, you miserable?

I'm sure nobody saw you bring all this junk up here. Yes, darling, I'm sure.

How many brands of this stuff are there?

I mean, this dog has got to be in shape when we give her back.

Eat, eat.

She's not eating, LaRoche.

Now, why isn't she eating?

This is your department.

Details I leave to you, I always have.

We've got a problem, I mean a major problem.

Gosh, don't sit there, babe. Do something.

She's sick.

You think she's sick? You don't think she's sick, do you? Well, I think she's

sick, and if she's sick, I'm sick. No, darling, she's not sick.

Then why doesn't she eat?

She's pampered, probably on a special diet.

Diet? Like what? What? What? What?

Oh, I don't know. Could be anything.

Steak tartar? Caviar?

Caviar, of course, yes. I knew a lapdog once just like her. The only thing she

would eat would be thighs.

Chicken thighs.

All right.

What do you eat?

There they are.

Don't look, don't look, don't look.

Now, get rid of the guy with her.

For you anything, darling, but how?

How should I know? Just do it, do it, do it. Here, here's a fiver. Think of

something. Go on, go, go, go.

All right, excuse me.

Telephone call.

Blackjack. Yes, sir?

You, uh, see the lady in the black dress? Black dress?

Over there. Oh, yes, sir. But don't block, don't block, don't block.

Okay, look.

Oh, yes, sir.

I'll have two of whatever she's drinking.

Right.

All right, here we are, sir.

Castor. Philip Castor. Hi.

Uh, uh, do you, um... Do you mind if, uh... If I, um...

No.

I bet feeding a little dog like that could be a major problem.

Well, now, you just let me tell you.

Feeding Muffin really is a big problem.

Do you know there's only one thing in the whole world that little critter will

eat? What is that one thing?

I don't want to talk about it. Oh, no, no. Force yourself. It'll make you feel

much better.

Tell me something. Does she like roast beef?

Hamburger? Pork hearts?

Pork fritters?

What about chicken? I do a very nice cacciatore.

No, no, that's just like... Oh, please, no, no, don't, don't. Don't worry about

it, please.

Worry? What do you mean, don't worry? What?

What? Why am I wearing a tuxedo?

What are you, a crazy lady?

What are you doing?

When Flynn's arrived, he'll meet you at noon.

Where? Come on, time to get up.

Oh, you're not going to wear that again. No, I'm not. Now leave me alone, will

you? Where do I meet Flynn?

At the castellated house.

Come on.

That's it. Come on. Come on out.

Now don't forget your hat.

There. Go on.

Off you go. Go on.

It's all right, darling. Go on.

Flynn, don't do that. My angina.

You have the dog?

Of course I have. What do you think I am, some kind of amateur?

You will attach the microfilm to the collar and return the dog to its owner.

Guaranteed. Personally.

I'll probably get some kind of reward.

Imbecile. Well, what did I say?

You will leave the dog somewhere where it will be found.

No one will suspect any connection between you and its disappearance.

Well, of course, of course. That's what I meant.

When does the dog's owner fly to New York? On Friday. Friday. I checked it

out. Right.

Here is the microfilm.

Have no fear.

Felix is here.

That's a little joke. I just... I'll guard it with my life. If you don't, you

may well pay with your life.

Listen, I think I got some good news for you. Oh, you mean about Mother?

Yeah, it could be.

Oh, Harry, Harry, I was so excited.

If you'd gotten a bigger dog, we'd have a bigger collar and I'd be a lot

happier.

Oh, thanks. I'll take it.

Lovely. Mmm.

Lunch. Lunch?

Liver cooked in milk.

Come on, little fella.

Come on, baby.

That's it.

Lovely dins.

Come on.

He swallowed it.

Mary, he swallowed it.

And I think what happened was somebody there in the morning actually picked it

up and ran home. And went out and turned the door.

Long, cool spice with a little vodka. Thank you, honey.

Interesting conversation?

Huh? The guy who just left.

Oh, you know...

Everyone's been so nice.

They really are concerned about Little Muffin.

That nice gentleman there was just inquiring as to whether I got her back

not. He was.

Yeah.

You know him?

Mm -hmm.

Well, who is he?

Trouble.

Hold her still, LaRoche. That's an order.

Will you please stop her looking at me?

cover her eyes you can't go through with this can i

hey

you're right i can't let's get out of here start packing

Come on, come on.

Never mind. Forget the elevators. Let's use the back stairs.

Come on.

Come here, honey. Come on. Move, move. Please, move.

Come on, Mary.

Please, let's get out of here. Please, Mary.

Come on.

Where is the microfilm?

Where? He swallowed it. Costa.

No, the dog.

My name is Costa, Felix Costa.

Do you mind if I stand up? No.

That man who shot at me, he's very dangerous.

You're not.

Me?

Well, no, I don't know him. Why should I know him? Of course not.

Certainly not. Certainly I don't know him. You think I know him? That's

ridiculous. I'm a guest here, a registered guest. Check it, check it,

What are you doing?

Listen, I'll tell her everything. I can stand anything but pain. All right,

just calm down and tell me all you know about this.

They were going to transport the film to the States using the dog as a canine

courier. Hidden in the collar, but that was my idea.

Pretty dumb.

In my baby's collar?

That's a terrible thing.

Yeah, Joe Flynn's associate was going to meet the dog, but the plan got fouled

up when Muffin here swallowed the film.

What do you think, Doctor?

Well, I can positively say that our little friend no longer has the fallen

in his stomach.

I don't understand.

There's a story that...

Arkansas farmer told me once about a cow who swallowed a fly.

And the fly fell asleep in the cow's stomach, and when the fly woke up, the

was gone.

You mean... I mean, a microfilm could be practically anywhere.

In the avenues and alleyways.