Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

and I just had to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I gotta relearn the basics that I never learned anyway. When will I find someone

who understands?

And when will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this.

Big pot of coffee.

Side of vodka.

Oh, second thought. Hold the coffee.

Oh.

Good God.

Service in this hotel is amazing.

The same thing you said about me last night.

Oh, this is your way of getting a tip out of me. You're a very ambitious young

man, and you'll go far. You know what? You're really funny when you're not

passed out.

Oh, well, I'm awake now.

You know what I'd really love?

Well, if the last two days are any indication, me.

You're charming, of course.

How about a cocktail?

I've got the cock if you've got the tail.

That's where we're going.

I'll definitely need a drink.

I'll get the egg.

And a condom.

Hello. Oh, hello, darling, darling. It's Mummy. Listen, I've just woken up in a

strange hotel, and since you've got caller ID, I wonder if you'd be so kind

to tell me where the fuck I'm calling from.

Here's a bizarre notion, Mum. Why don't you look on the phone?

Oh, fabulous idea.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Radisson!

I must have been drunker than I thought.

Why don't you steal me a couple of towels, OK? I've got to go.

Wait, wait, darling, darling. I've just come out of a blackout.

Mother, your heart. If you keep drinking like this, you're going to black out

permanently.

Bigger fish to fry, darling. Did I mention the strange man in my bed?

No. Has he hurt you?

No, sir. He brought me croissant and French roast. He strongly insinuated

he'd like to fuck me again.

Hanging up now.

Here we go.

One for you and none for me. I would just rather drink in your beauty.

You're sweet and full of shit.

My favorite combination in a man. And you're rich.

And rich?

My favorite combination in a woman.

What do you think we combine forces and take a shower?

Why not? Nothing I like more than dating with adolescents.

Just one.

Teensy -beensy question that I'd like to clear up.

Ask away.

What is your name?

Dave Pirelli's bachelor party.

That ain't right.

Dave, Dave, I didn't think it would happen either, man.

And it's normal to get cold feet, but sooner or later that passes and you're

going to realize that that is right.

No, it's not.

Two L's in Pirelli.

Huh.

What's up, baby? How you feeling, huh? Great. My man, hey, check this out.

going to give you the biggest bachelor blowout of all time. You understand?

That's great. If it's half as good as the one that I threw for Marcus, I'll be

very happy. You remember that party, huh? Um, no. It's kind of a blur.

Use the blur as the blueprint.

Hey, Dave.

What? You're not going to be drinking tonight, are you? No, but that doesn't

mean I can't partake of all the other festivities that a bachelor party has to

offer. Food.

Music. Strippers.

Strippers? Excellent idea.

Yeah, what did I figure that? You just did.

All right, listen, I got to go meet Billy downtown. She's going to help me

out a ring, and then when I get back... See what I'm saying? Yeah.

Oh, boy, I bet you that chump won't even make it to the altar, huh? You are,

because I'm the best man. If I have the dragon's butt there, I will.

Okay, I'm going to handle the food.

You got the stripper's hand. Of course, you know I got it handled, baby.

Check this out right here. It says right here.

Hi, my name is Brandy. I'm fresh out of high school and I'm looking for a little

sex education, huh?

That's right. You can't on you. Talk to me now, you know that? Look at this one

right here, dressed like a maid, huh? Say, hi, my name Maria.

I know speak English.

Aye, aye, aye.

Now tell me something, with a body like that, she don't have to, huh?

Lenny, she's a real maid, man. You went a page too far, baby.

Oh, shit.

You're right.

She's still cute, though, huh?

Yeah, not bad, though.

Well, this is my favorite part of the job, seeing young people in love.

We're not in love. I mean, not with each other.

Well, we used to be until he screwed it up.

Can you believe he broke up with me?

The fool.

He fucked my best friend.

Well,

he watches a lot of porn.

Hey, what about that diamond right there?

Oh, yes, and it's got great clarity.

And it's $2 ,000. I don't think I can afford that much clarity. No, listen, do

you got something that just dropped subtle hints?

Well, how subtle are we talking?

Understated yet elegant or crackerjack box prize?

We're talking 300 bucks.

But a wedding ring engagement set is going to cost you more.

I'd just like to have a little money left over for some luxuries like food or

shelter. Well, give a few meals. You'll have more money for the ring and your

tux will fit better.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying that a cummerbund is not supposed to be a girdle.

You're not marrying me. What the hell do you care what I weigh? Well, I still

got to look at you, don't I?

Okay, lovebirds. How about just a plain wedding band? Thank you. Can I see

something pretty in a size six, please?

Oh, I'm a six, too.

I know that's just in case anyone ever wants to marry me.

Ever.

Did I mention, David, I'm very happy for you?

Yes, you did. Thank you. May I?

Huh?

Wow. That's beautiful.

Yeah, it really is.

So how much?

$360.

No Einstein here.

No Adonis either, but the man still needs a ring. Hey. Work with me here.

$355, my final offer.

No sales tax.

Fine. I lose money on this ring. I hope you're happy.

No. Did I bring you to the right place or what?

All right! I want everybody on the ground right now! And shut up!

So what you're trying to tell me is... I'm Brian!

We drove here in my Saturn.

We almost got kicked out of the hotel for indecent exposure in the elevator.

Oh, despicable. I rode in a Saturn. Well, you pitched a fit.

But then I gave you a joint. After that, all you did was yell out the window.

You assholes are driving on the wrong side of the road.

Oh, yes. Oh, God. That's right. Oh, that's right. And then we lost control

the car and we squashed that puppy.

Different day.

Why don't you start at the beginning?

Okay. You were making a bid at the silent auction.

This is hideous. It makes me wish I was blind.

Yes, there are times when being blind doesn't seem so bad.

Of course, I'm glad that I have sight, because you are a vision.

Oh, well, I'm so glad you're not mute.

Keep talking.

My name's Brian.

I noticed you from across the room, and I said to myself, Brian, you are a fool

if you don't go over and talk to that Dunning vixen.

Oh, you only want to talk.

What a pity. You see, I have so many girlfriends I could talk to. But do you

have a boyfriend? Well, of course.

An absolutely fabulous, handsome man named Nobody.

Must be lonely going home to Nobody every night.

When was the last time you let somebody have a chance to spend some time with

you?

I think this word game has run its course, don't you? You're right.

I'll get straight to the point.

I think you should take me home with you. You've got to be joking. I'd never

home with a complete stranger.

Doesn't hurt to ask.

Hotel room. That'd be different.

Excellent.

Of course, my fee is $750 a night.

Bargain at any price.

Okay. Then let's make it $1 ,000.

So what you're saying is you're just a gigolo.

Everywhere I go.

Just getting a class fixed on a locket my grandson gave me. Shut up, Grandma!

Shut up! Hurry up, moron!

I've been robbed 11 times. I think I know the procedure.

Here.

Shit! You tripped the alarm. I ought to shoot you right now.

Fuck this.

What the hell are you doing?

All right, look, I settled it. What the fuck do you want? What the fuck do you

want? What the fuck are you doing?

What, you want to die? No, I don't want to die. Wait, stop. You're a fucking

crazy lady.

You know when you have a friend and no matter what you tell him, like, don't

the robber, he doesn't listen because he cares so much about everyone else that

he doesn't think about himself?

What? I will blow your fucking head off. I don't want to, but I will. No, please

don't do that. I mean... I won't be able to handle it, and I'm hanging by a

thread as it is. I just... Look, it's not your fault. I mean, I'm not well

-balanced. That is true. She's not balanced. Oh, like you are, jumping in

of a crazy man with a gun. You did the same thing, and you called him crazy.

Shut the fuck up. Please, can we just go back to where we were, and we won't bug

you again, okay? Right, Dave? Sure. I was stupid. I shouldn't listen to you.

a schmuck. Shut up!

Absolutely. Go back!

Okay.

What's wrong with you?

Did you jump in front of him? Well, yes, sure, I did.

Honey, if something happened to you, I don't know what I would do.

Damn, we're running out of sodas fast.

All a day's bread and some sort of addictions anonymous class or what?

like it, man.

We had a party where we needed a designated driver, but never a

drinker. All right, I'll make that sacrifice.

Hey, grab that side, man. All right.

All right, fellas.

Got some more soda for you, and if you need anything else, you know, you feel

free to let us know.

Hi. I'm Joe, and I'm an alcoholic, and I got 18 days sober.

And this is the first bachelor party I've been at where I haven't been

and I just want you to know I'm having a really good time.

Good, good. Really.

Congratulations. Good.

All right.

Sorry about Joe. He's new in the program.

No friend of Dave's.

It's cool. It's cool.

Hey, so where is Dave? Who cares? Where are the strippers?

I didn't lace my mother's chicken pot pie with sedatives just so I could sneak

out of the house and drink soda.

Hello, boys.

Uh, can I help you?

I'm Brandy.

You called about my ad?

What the fuck happened to being straight out of high school, man?

Hey, I got held back a few years.

You should have been held back a few more years.

Ah, okay.

Brandy, you know, I don't know if this is the right party for you. What are you

talking about?

She's hot.

You're a lonely, lonely man.

Don't you want to see me strip?

Oh, no. Not unless you want to see me puke.

Lenny. Okay, I'll tell you what we're going to do, Brandy. We're going to pay

you for your time. Thank you. And I want you to go on home and, you know, study

up for those SATs.

Thanks for supporting higher education.

That's not the only thing that needs support around here, huh?

Well, that was fun.

You know, if I'd have been drinking, I don't think I would have realized how

much fun that was.

Lenny, come here, man.

I thought you said you had the stripper's handle, man. I got a handle.

heard a false advertisement or what?

She can get sued for that, man.

Tell you what, don't even worry about it, all right? We got more of them on

way, all right? Well, we better, man, because right now we got a bachelor

with no strippers, no drinks, and no damn bachelor, man.

Come on, let's go check on these buffalo wings.

All this excitement is making my heart race.

I need a cigarette.

Yeah, me too. I'm going too.

No smoke.

I know, but I want to see if I can catch Brandy and get her number.

So, the way it breaks down is, I've given you two nights, so you get to give

two grand.

That's right.

preposterous. I will not pay for orgasms I don't even remember.

Hey, sorry about your memory loss, but the landlord won't accept my client

doesn't remember fucking me as an excuse.

Plus, I already used that one last month.

Save it for Judge Judy. I can see it now.

Trudy Frank versus the hooker. Hey, you keep that shit up, lady, and I'll...

I'll hit you.

Oh, really?

How much will I have to pay for that? I'm not kidding.

No? Well, I'm about to drop dead of a serious heart condition. Do you think a

black eye can frighten the likes of me?

Well, it was worth a try.

Any of you people try anything.

Yeah, he's so messed up he's got his gun pointed right at his dick.

It better hit him than mine.

Not that I'm one to talk. I was pretty messed up when I was using, too.

Yeah,

that could have been me.

Except I'm cuter.

I mean, the only difference between that guy and me, I didn't own a gun.

I mean, if I'd had a pistol when I felt like that, we wouldn't be having this

conversation right now.

And if you'd already bought a ring, we wouldn't be having this conversation

right now either.

How ironic would it be if we lived through everything we lived through and

we got killed by this asshole?

Call it ironic. I call it really shitty.

You know what I like the most about you?

My eyes?

Yeah, those too.

That you understand what it's like to be at your lowest and then come through

it. I don't share that with anybody.

I feel the same way.

I can't have this. It's too spicy.

I'll get rectal bleeding.

What, do you eat them or you shove them up your ass?

How about you guys do neither and avoid mentioning it again?

I just thought Dave would skip out on his wedding, not his bachelor party.

Where's Joe? I thought he was with you.

Check the back.

Okay, so the cop says, hey, pal, this is a phone booth, not a men's room. I

said, oh, Christ, whatever you do, don't check the chain slot.

Joe, what are you doing?

I'm just telling the phone booth story.

Man, I must admit, that shit is funny.

Lenny,

what the hell is wrong with you, man?

What, man? This is a party, isn't it? He was just getting sober.

Thanks a lot.

You don't have to talk for me. I'm right here.

I'm sure Lenny didn't know.

Look, this is a party, right? Everybody needs to chill out.

How am I supposed to chill out when it's my ass Dave's going to be crying to

when he finds out his voice slipped at the bachelor party I'm in charge of,

Lenny? Do you want a ride home?

Oh, hell no.

I'm fine.

You're not fine. We should go to a meeting.

He's already started drinking. He might as well have some fun.

Uh -huh.

I tell you what, just give me your watch.

We'll call it even.

No, it's not even. It's all horribly unfair.

I've done everything I was supposed to. I've had the beauty treatments. I've had

the chemical peels. My roots almost never show. I've done my leg lifts, and

just comes to this. The only thing I'm worth is a watch.

Oh, God.

You take it. I don't need it. I know what time it is.

7 .45.

It's time for Trudy Frank to check out. Actually, check out was at noon.

I'm not talking about checking out of the hotel.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'll tell you what. Here, keep the watch, okay?

Look, if there's anything I learned in gigolo school, it's, you know, never let

the customer die.

I don't want to be talked out of this by a third -rate hooker.

I have a name.

Look, I see you're upset, but maybe it'll make you feel a little bit better,

though, that I'm pretty screwed up, too. I mean, hey, look, I spend most of my

time fucking women nobody else wants to fuck.

They're not making me feel better.

Frackling childproof caps.

Here, here, here. Let me help you.

Hey, wait, you're not helping me. Yes, I am.

No!

Wait, oh, my God, they're quaaludes.

They're really hard to find.

I could have paid you with those.

My name is Brian.

You just feel bad now because you can't see all the great things that I see

about you.

You're intelligent.

You're wildly attractive.

Great sense of humor.

I've had a wonderful time with you.

Please, don't throw that away.

You're so full of shit.

If you weren't trying to get my money, you would fly out of here like you were

shot from a cannon.

You want to bet?

Well, if you'd done that in the first place, we'd still have the quaalude.

Stop!

Nobody said anything.

I need a fix. I'm going to puke.

He's trying to craft it.

Starting?

Let me try something.

Hey, I'm Billy. Remember me?

Uh, you mind if I sit down? Yeah.

Sit down.

What are you doing?

I just, I, you know, I figure we're spending all this time together and I

know anything about you.

Well, let's keep it that way, okay?

Okay. Um, tell you about me then.

Uh, I'm an actress, you know. I just did a movie, in fact.

I did a movie once.

Yeah? Yeah, it was a porno movie, though.

And on my cue...

I got to say, jam it in, jam it in, jam it in, jam it in.

Yeah, well, that's a good line.

Really? Sure. I mean, your character really moved the story forward.

I recognize you.

You're the jam it in, jam it in, jam it in guy. I saw that. That was very good

work. They didn't pay good, but the drugs were great.

No, I'm such a fucking idiot.

You want to hear about idiots? Once when I was drunk, I stole my cousin's car. I

tried to sell it back to my own uncle.

Well, you really are stupid. I can't believe I even went out with you. Isn't

dumb?

What's your point?

Well, if you weren't such an idiot, you'd know.

I think she's trying to tell me, make me feel good about myself.

Yeah, see?

He gets it.

Look, everyone does stupid things.

I mean, last week, you won't believe it, I got my tongue stuck in an ice cube

tray, and then to try to get it off, I put my head over a stove, and in the

process, I burned some of my hair off. And you call me stupid?

And chunky.

This Mac will take that right off.

It's good to know.

He'll take everything else, too.

Look, you know, I lost everything once, too, and it's not too late. You can turn

it all around.

You know, that's a really nice thing to say, Billy.

It really is.

Oh, you got the gun. Why'd you take my gun? I thought you liked me.

I'm sure you're nice when you're not holding up strangers. They come to

No,

no, no, not her. Him, him.

I didn't even make it 20 days.

I'm such an asshole.

First time I stopped drinking, I didn't last a week.

Lost it at my daughter's birthday party.

Pissed on a cake and fucked a clown.

Wow. You're an even bigger asshole than I am.

Glad I could make you feel better.

Oh, man.

You know what? This is one sorry -ass party, okay?

I don't know where your boy Dave is, but I will say he's probably having a

better time than we are right now. It wouldn't have been so bad if you found

some strippers that were fine or young or... Come on, now. And then you had the

bright idea of doing shots with a recovering alcoholic.

Oh, look, man, I said I was sorry for the strippers and your boy Joe, all

But as you and I both know, shit happens.

Hey, there's Dave.

Five -hour hostage situation has ended peacefully with everyone left unharmed.

I'm Gloria Sanchez with Channel 6 News.

Now he can't use that hostage excuse for his wedding.

I'm going to get my ass down there and make sure he's okay.

I'm going to go with you.

You going to be okay with Joe?

Yeah, I think I can handle him. Yeah, I'm going to go too. I'm going to show

some support today.

We're looking for the owner.

Oh, I'm the owner.

Are you Dave Pirelli?

No, he's the other one. He's just been a naughty boy.

Oh.

I've been very naughty, too.

I'm naughty by nature.

Dave would want to stay.

Officer,

I realize that crime doesn't pay, but hey, I do.

Hey, me too.

I tell you what, I'm going to give you 15 % off on your wedding ring.

15? We saved your life.

All right, 20.

Just take it.

I was losing money anyway.

May you be happy together.

Thank you.

Oh, do I know people or do I know people?

I'm just glad I know you.

Glad I know you, too.

So, don't you have a bachelor party to attend?

Right, yeah.

Don't you want to go?

Yeah, no, I just feel weird leaving you, you know.

Oh, come on, you've left me before.

Go, go, go, go, go.

You know I love you, right?

Yeah.

I love you, too.

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