Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got to relearn the basics.

I'll never learn anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this ride ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude...

How do I tell Raquel that I've been invited to the Perfect Ten Mansion?

Dave, Dave, Dave. Hey, hey, hey. How did you get invited to the Perfect Ten

Mansion? Nabi Clegg invited me.

Nabi Clegg. Rock star, Nabi Clegg.

Well, how do you know Nabi Clegg?

Now you got invited to the Perfect Ten Mansion. That's right.

Shit, I wish I was a drunk. Back to the question. How do I tell Raquel?

Oh, you don't. Oh, no, no, no. Or Billy.

Because, see, you, I take it, my ass with you to the Perfect Ten Mansion.

All right.

I just don't get it. Why can't I meet a man? I'm nice. I'm pretty.

You're pregnant.

But, Bill, maybe I can follow my standards, huh? Standards?

to get rid of those. Yeah, maybe you're right. I've only been with seven guys my

whole life.

Seven? Seven? What? Is that too many?

At one time.

How many have you been with?

Okay, well, let's just say that one of the numbers in it is seven.

place me with? Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, you're Raquel.

Have we met?

No, but Dave showed me your picture. I'm his ex -girlfriend. Oh, Jenny.

No. Cindy, you know, some people would think you're being catty, but maybe

you're just stupid.

Billy.

That guy looks just like Dave.

with counseling alcoholics. Yeah, you know, naked drunk girls need help, too.

Boy, you know, if I were you, I'd break up with him. As a matter of fact, why

don't you write him a nasty note and I'll make him get it? Oh, he's gonna get

it, all right. Oh, come on, what's the big deal? So we went to a party at the

Perfect Ten Mansion. I mean, if you're that insecure that you can't have a

little fun every now and again, then maybe you ought to rethink your

relationship. Hey, isn't that Marcus?

Of course, cameras aren't allowed in the...

That fucking asshole.

He said he was on special assignment.

Maybe he's writing an article about naked drunkos. You know, suddenly I

feel so bad about being single.

You know what? I'm going to go to that party.

Nobody fucks with Julie Frank. I mean, you can fuck her, but you can't fuck her

over. I'm the bad one. I'm the one who lies and gets caught doing something

wrong. Well, I'm going too.

God, men are scum. You're saying that as an insult to scum. Yeah. Hey, can I

come? Why?

I might need a guide.

You've been here before, man?

Yeah. Are we again?

You know, I got a scratching post if you want to sharpen your claws.

Brother Dave, you want someone to claw your penis now?

It's the best I could come up with. My brain's not getting a lot of blood right

now. I was wondering if you could sign my breath.

Yeah, well, I was wondering if I could, too.

Don't press too hard on my paw.

I think you need to repay love.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good to be king, Hunub.

Oh.

Actually, I'm really glad you came with me tonight.

Yeah. You know, I still get nervous about these amends things. I was nervous

making my amends, too. But when I was done, you know, afterwards, I felt like

huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And that's when we became

again, man.

Cool. Yeah.

So who you got to make amends?

Is this Alay? Yeah.

Last time I checked.

Well, tonight it's a mop.

She was 18, starstruck, and I was doing a lot of drinking, not a lot of

thinking, least of all about her, and I treat her like crap.

That's what this is all about, man. You try to mend what's broken.

Well, I wish you'd talk to me. Even if she doesn't, you came here with good

intentions, trying to be a decent, honest person, right?

Holy Christ, you can go rack on this.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, well, you boys have time.

I'll see if I can find her. Yeah, okay. Okay, man, good luck.

We're here if you need us, okay? Definitely, right here. All right, man.

Was that Nobby Clegg talking to you guys?

Why, yes.

Matter of fact, he's Nobby Clegg's sponsor.

Wow, Nobby Clegg's sponsor?

I don't even know what that means.

Do you guys want to join us in the hot tub?

Well, we didn't bring any baby suits.

Neither did we.

Okay, then.

You guys, we're going to have to bribe this guy. What have you got?

I've got $3 and some Pepto -Bismol.

50 cents and a tampon?

Think he'll take an ATM card?

Haley, you were on TV. Use your celebrity status to get a penny. You

Haley, in the ranking of celebrities, I fall somewhere between Eve Plum and the

dead chick from different strokes.

Trust me, no one knows who I am. Hey, I know you.

Except for him.

I love your show. I watch the reruns every day.

Who doesn't?

You know, I know my name's not on the list. Say no more.

Yo, Bobby, I'm sending in Courtney Cobb.

Thanks a lot. I'll be there for you.

Mella, remember me?

Yeah, I think I can place the face to Alice Cooper, right?

Yeah, okay.

I deserve that.

Sparkling water.

So I guess what I read about you is true.

Yes, why I'm here.

Part of my program involves saying you're sorry for all the things you did

while you were drinking and drugging.

Doesn't seem possible. You'll live long enough.

I know I was a bit of a dog with you. A bit? For starters, I was 16.

You were?

That should be illegal.

It is illegal.

And you did plenty of other things to me you should be locked up for.

Look, I know I wasn't always that gentlemanly.

Shadowman Lee, you once let your drummer dress up like you and crawl into bed

with me.

That is embarrassing.

Tell me, how far did it get before you noticed a switcheroo?

I don't remember.

Why don't you watch the videotape you made of it and check?

I videotaped it?

Don't worry.

I was taking so many drugs, you're probably out of focus anyway.

Then there was a time you gave me what you said was aspirin, and I woke up

hours later handcuffed to a roadie.

Well, in my defence, those guys, they work for free.

You used to have to throw them a bone once in a while.

You lied to me constantly.

You cheated on me with my friends, two of them simultaneously, and once you set

my father's car on fire. Is any of this ringing a bell?

Look, Mella.

Mella, please, look, I'm on my knees.

I've just had them both replaced.

Please. I know I was a bad lot, but I came here tonight just...

just to tell you that I really am sorry.

Okay.

Now I know.

So what are you up to these days?

Modelling, acting, being a mom.

You're a mom?

Yeah. I have a 12 -year -old girl, Ronnie.

Wow.

You got a picture?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, she's adorable.

So, who's the lucky bloke that's her dad?

You.

I feel over -dressed.

I feel underdeveloped.

Get a hand on my ass.

Get away from me. What are you, stupid?

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

Why are we here? Well, we came here to, to, to, to... Stutter?

You know what? I drove you here, okay?

Anyway, we came here to teach our guy the lesson.

Oh, I just want to find somebody special who'll love and respect me.

I'm going to look for that guy who put his hand on your ass. He's kind of nice.

Are you sure this plan is going to work? Yeah, if you don't fuck it up.

Come on, let me hear your best, uh... That's so funny, Giggle.

less, Mr. Ash.

How about a little less hostility?

Okay, that won't happen again, okay? If we're gonna pull this off, we have to

work together.

Hey, look at those two guys over there by the orgy.

Come on.

Huh? Yeah.

I think there's something so right about me and Rochelle.

You guys seem good together, huh? I think she might be the one.

Maybe. I mean, more than anybody I've been with, I could think that way now.

know, as much as I look back on my married years, I mean, nothing more

than a solid, loving relationship.

You guys want to watch us make out?

Absolutely. Yeah, by all means.

Hey, Dave.

I'm sorry.

Johnny Clegg. Yeah.

So you want me to sign your breasts?

Maybe later.

This is... This is so exciting for me. I'm Hayley. By the way, I've been

dreaming about a moment like this for years, only in my dream, you're all so

excited to see me.

And I'm in your band, and I have a tambourine.

Well, I'm sorry to let you down, love, but I'm doing a lot of that tonight.

Oh, really?

Well, um... What's wrong?

You don't want to hear it. Yes, I do. In my dream with the tambourine, you were

telling me what's wrong, and I was helping you, but I was thinning my life.

You seem a little wacky. I'm not sure you can help me. Yes, I can.

I'm a therapist in training.

All right, then. Here goes.

I just found out tonight that I'm a father.

I mean, I haven't even met my daughter yet, and she's 12.

I see.

So how do I really know it's my kid? I mean, I've been hit with so many bogus

child support suits. I mean, why should I believe this girl?

Oh, she asked you for money.

Huh?

Well, if she didn't ask you for money, maybe she's telling you the truth.

Yes, she probably is.

Then how do I make amends to a little girl that I've never met?

If I was 12 and I found out that you were my father, I would be so happy.

Not to mention more popular and rich and British and... Oh, God, I love that

accent. Yeah.

Maybe that could be a part of the kid's life. I mean, my kid's life. It doesn't

sound so bad, does it?

No, it doesn't.

How do you feel about that?

Like I need to talk to her?

And how does that make you feel?

Like I need to talk to her a lot.

Good.

Good.

Then you should go with that.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, I will.

Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot.

What are you guys doing?

This.

No, he means for a living. This.

Oh. You got to join a union?

Wow, so you must make a lot of money modeling, huh? Oh, shit.

Marcus. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

What are you guys doing here? Oh, God, I always get invited to these things. I

practically have a room of my own.

Oh, God, I can't believe the health department reopened that hot tub.

Why? What's wrong with it? Well. Well, as soon as you get home, you better

your body for open sores.

By the way, Marcus, I thought you had a special assignment tonight.

Oh, yeah, I am.

We're interviewing these two young actresses, Bambi and Thumper, up and

Really? What movie are they in? Honey, I Shrunk My Dick?

And, Dave, didn't you say that you were counseling alcoholics tonight?

I'm done.

Yeah. No, I came with Nabi to help make his amends.

And he's finished. So now, you know, just relaxing.

That's funny, because you look kind of tense.

Anyway, have a good time, boys. I know we will.

Hey, listen, I'm so sorry. Yeah, listen, we can explain everything.

Oh, good, well done.

Yeah, I mean, you guys probably came here for the same reason we did.

Yeah? Right, right. Well, what reason would that be? To have fun.

I mean, not that you guys aren't fun, but it's like if you eat the same thing

every night, it just gets old.

Stale. Yeah.

So, here's my proposal.

Whatever we do tonight, or whoever we do, it's just for fun and it doesn't

count.

Okay. Great, great, great. Okay, fine. We'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. See ya.

Wouldn't want to see ya.

So we'll just, hey, get out there.

But, uh, there you go. All right.

what you said about Ronnie and everything.

I just want to make things right with you.

Nobby, you made your speech. All right, now you can go back to your little group

and brag to them about what a great guy you are.

I don't want to do that.

Making amends is about more than just saying so.

I've been thinking.

Let's say it costs 20 ,000 a year to raise a kid, and you said Ronnie's 12.

Well, I'm not good with numbers, but let's say 250 ,000.

I'll put you in touch with my business manager and he can open an account.

What? I'm not done yet.

Let's say 2 ,000 a month until she's 18.

Does that sound fair?

No.

Okay, then, 500 ,000.

But that's my limit. I mean, I don't want you to spoil her.

No, Nabi, I mean, it's not fair because... She isn't your child.

She's not.

Oh, jeez, Lamella.

Why did you say she was?

You did a lot of really bad stuff to me, Nobby.

Stuff I carried with me for a long time.

And then you walk in here tonight after all these years and expect for me to

make you feel all better just because you said I'm sorry.

Well, I just didn't want to make it that easy for you.

Okay, then.

Let's say 250 ,000.

I don't understand.

I'll put it in Ronnie's name. Like I said, saying sorry isn't enough.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, being on the wagon agrees with you.

Yeah, well, it's been a bumpy ride, but at least I can remember most of it.

Man, what about that? I thought we were dead.

No, it's all good. We have the best girlfriends in the town. How lucky are

be sitting here looking at these two beautiful women making out?

Like that.

Hey, what do you think the girls are up to, man?

Marcus, trust me.

I know Raquel, and I know Billy. These girls are not going to sleep with other

guys. Oh, thanks. I didn't think they were going to go that far. They're not.

They're just trying to scare us.

So we should just hang out here in the tub.

There you go.

You're 100 % sure about that?

Not 100%.

See,

now that is so fake. Raquel is totally pretending to like that guy. No, no, no,

really. Looks like she's having a pretty good time, man. No, she's not. I can

totally tell when she's faking something. Always.

Even... Always.

How could you tell?

She told me.

Well, Dave, that kind of takes some of the guesswork out of it, don't it?

true.

It's also kind of cruel.

Yeah. I mean, what kind of a sicko would fake it and then tell somebody they

were faking it? Why would you bother to fake it if you're going to do that?

That's just me. You better just quit calling my girlfriend a sicko, okay?

Sorry. And what I'm getting from all this, Dave, is that you couldn't tell

from faking it, man. I mean, why should I believe that you know she's faking it

now? Or did I miss her coming over to the bushes and the hedge here and

you she was faking it?

Hey, you all.

You know, Dave, when you said you wanted to come to the Perfect Ten Mansion with

me, this isn't the kind of book I figured you'd land in.

Oh.

Yeah.

Is this some kind of gay thing?

No. No, no, man. Whatever gets you through the night, I'm not criticising.

just wanted to tell you that the amends thing, it went great.

It did?

That's great.

Good, good, good. I'll call you next time I'm in town.

OK.

Hey,

I just want to thank you for what you did for me tonight.

You really helped me out.

Do you fancy a bite to eat?

Are you asking me out?

Don't look so surprised.

I'm sure you get asked that all the time.

No, not all the time. I rock stars.

I've got a tambourine in the limo and you can get a bite to eat.

Who knows, maybe I'll be making amends to you someday.

Shall we?

I am pregnant, you know.

Already? I came this close to starring in The Matrix.

They owed Keanu a favor.

I mean, I've got more talent than these five fingers.

And he has me his whole head.

So, what restaurant do you work at?

Red Lobster.

Then you'll know how to get me a soda.

Okay, you thirsty, Rockhouse?

Uh, mm -hmm. A triple.

We'll be right back. Okay. One rock.

Okay,

here is Dave and Marcus, because you said that they would come after us.

they will, you know, and then soon, I hope.

I can't listen anymore.

I'm not even good at listening to the lives of people I like.

Yeah, well, neither am I. I'm going to go find Dave. No, no, no, no, no. Come

on. We have to stick to the plan. I mean, the plan is our friend. Yes.

Dave and Marcus are right outside the window. I told you the plan was our

friend. Don't look.

Shit. What? I think Billy saw me. Oh, great.

Now I'm going to look like a couple of assholes. Oh, now we look like assholes.

See, I told you the women wouldn't go through with it. Do I know women or do I

know women?

Do I know men or do I know men?

Yeah, almost all of them from what I've heard.

Yeah, well, when you got it, you got it.

And now that you're dating my ex -boyfriend, whatever I got, you got.

Oh!

Come on, slap a smile on your face. We are going to shift into level two.

Level two?

Yeah. See, I don't know level two. I've been with four guys in my whole life.

Four?

Were you fat?

No.

Picky? Fuck, amputees get more than four.

And how many guys have you been with? Okay, well, let's just say one of the

numbers in it is four.

Come on, follow me.

Okay.

Hey.

Well, I'm not really thirsty. Why don't we get some milk?

They're better.

Why don't you tell me a little bit more about who you've lost a job to? Hey, I

told you we wouldn't need those roofies.

I'm going in. Hold on. Hold on. I guarantee you these women are going to

out of there any second.

Any second now. Just any second now.

Fuck it. I'm going in.

Wait for me.

Marcus, look who's here.

Hey. How you doing? Oh, did you finish the interview with the actresses? Yeah.

They ran out of words.

You know these guys?

Yeah. They're a little familiar.

I know. What? the guys crouching in the bushes? Not crouching so much as...

What? Oh, come on. You are jealous and you know it.

Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, fine. Listen, I admit it. I'm jealous. I was

wrong. Will you forgive me?

Me too.

Please.

Is that Steven Spielberg? Hi, Steven.

Oh, my God. I left my headshots in the car.

Look, I am so sorry, honey. I should have just told you where I wanted to go,

but honestly, I was worried about what your reaction would be.

Justifiably, as it turns out, I mean.

Look at you. But besides all that, Marcus told me to lie.

Dave! Oh, Marcus told you to lie, so you lied?

Yeah. What, is that bad?

Yeah, it's bad. And, baby, he's still lying. You know him.

You wanted to go to this party long before you saw me. You know that. That

not how I remember it. Oh, come on. You are so full of shit. You are the biggest

slut in this place. I mean, except me.

And it's only because I'm severe.

These guys are obviously acting irrational.

Let me take you somewhere where I can explain it all to you and hopefully make

it up to you slowly.

You.

So do you have anything possibly that you can say to me that would get you out

of this?

I love you.

Okay, all right, all right.

You want to go to Bermuda?

First class?

I don't think about it.

Oh, did you have fun, man?

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