Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got to relearn the basics that I never learned anyway. When will I find

someone who understands?

And when will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was sort of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be.

Relationships and sobriety.

My wife and I just celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary.

Thank you.

You'd think one of us could have gotten laid.

Needless to say, sex has not been the same since I stopped drinking. It's

because I can remember it.

And yet, 21 years later, my wife and I are still together, and I love her more

and more every day.

The amazing thing is, she has seen me at my worst, and she still loves me.

I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you today if it wasn't for my wife and

this new lover.

Anyone else want to share?

Anybody?

Oh, hell, I'll talk.

I'm Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Billy.

Relationships and sobriety.

Well, I've only been sober 17 days, 15 hours, and 22 minutes. But who's

counting?

Oh, right, y 'all are.

In any case, I've had more experience with relationships out of sobriety than

in.

Well, I almost had a sober relationship once, except I started drinking.

Plus, you know, we were really lacking a lot of the key elements you need to

keep the thing going, communication, trust, commitment, all that shit.

But honestly, it just seemed like an awful lot of work to keep fucking the

person over and over again.

But still.

I guess there must be something to this relationship crap, because everyone

seems to want one, and maybe I do, too.

But how? What do I know? I mean, I've only been sober 17 days, 15 hours, and

minutes.

My last year kept me on my feet all night.

The customers were so grabby, and the management didn't take me seriously.

Because you were a stripper.

Well, who served drinks between lap dances.

Well, if the city ever zones us for pole dancing, you'll have the job.

Great. Thanks.

Sure.

Somewhere in this flock of silicone -packed struggling actresses is your

waitress slash girlfriend. Oh, come on. None of these women are my type. I'm

looking for something in a recovering alcoholic former child star.

Hmm.

I already know how that story goes. Guy meets girl.

Guy and girl date. Guy leaves girl because her blood alcohol level is so

gives him vertigo. Guy never looks down.

Girl gets sober.

They reunite. They live happily ever after.

Dave, let me ask you a question. Why do you like me?

You're attractive.

You're funny. You have great breath. I mean, if memory serves.

And is that what people are looking for in a relationship? Look, humor, and hit?

Guy?

Mostly, yeah.

Why are we having this conversation? Because I've been thinking about it, you

know. And I just wonder, why does anybody want to be with anybody? I mean,

do you want to be with me? LA is full of other girls with, you know, looks,

humor, and tits who haven't thrown up on you.

I got shoes I could prove you wrong.

Listen, I gotta go.

Come on, even so. I mean, you and I, we have a lot of baggage.

So again, I ask you, why do you want to have a relationship with me?

It's because...

I don't know.

Can I use my lifeline?

Cardiac surgeon can schedule the removal of a man's heart within seconds, and

you people need a five -hour window to install a phone jack?

No, no, no, no. No, cool. I'll be there. Yeah, I'll be there. Right, right.

Dave, I gotta get back to my crib, man.

Phone company. They claim they're gonna be there sometime between now and

Thursday. Hey, Marker.

Yeah.

Nothing. No, I'll... Yeah, I'll call you back. I got a lot of stuff going on

right now. Okay.

Yeah. Right.

Dave, Dave. I can wait. Oh, okay.

Did you see that? I mean, he didn't even say hi.

He nodded. No, he didn't even nod. He gave me a finger.

Well, a finger is like a hi. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, a finger is an IOU for a

hi. A hi I didn't get. I mean, I was one digit away from this.

Oh,

okay. Look, this is hot.

What?

It's so obvious. He hates me.

He doesn't hate you. He's a trifle pissed off you served him with his

papers. Yeah, but it's my job. I'm a process server, and a damn fine one.

Anyway, I mean, you'd think it'd be over by now.

It was only nine days ago. Yeah, but I don't care, okay? I mean, this isn't

about him. It's about me, too, and I'm going to have to fix it.

You see, the old Billy would have ignored it until it festered into a big

bottle of Jack Daniels, but the new Billy... He's going to pick at it.

until it blows up into a problem that's a hundred times bigger than it was in

the first place. Screw you.

Anytime, baby. You know where I am. I'm right here. And I'll take that with you.

Look, you pointed a finger at me, and I didn't know if it was a, hey, I'm happy

to see you, you're number one finger, or a go away, you process -serving bitch,

I hate you finger. It was a hold on a minute, I'm on the phone finger.

Oh, okay then. Well, I mean, that makes sense since you were on the phone. Look,

maybe I was a little cold.

It wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at everyone. I'm not having the best day of

my life right now, okay? Well, yes, because I come bearing gifts.

Or, at least, bearing possessions that you already own and left behind.

Sadly, I used it on the way over here, and it ran out of juice.

But there were 45 minutes left.

Actually, 47.

You know, that's all right. It's cool.

Only one going to call me on that is my wife, and I'm not trying to deal with

her right now anyway. See, your day's getting better, Albert.

Wow, man, this is a great place.

I think it's important to have a nice place to be depressed in. Ooh,

If the view doesn't make you feel better, you can always jump.

I'm thinking of installing a diving board right here. What do you think?

Come on, it can't be that bad.

It is that bad. I'm losing half of everything I own.

At least you own something.

If I lost half of everything I own, I'd break even.

Please, you didn't have a ten -year relationship just go down the tubes,

I had a fifteen -year relationship with booze that went down my throat.

And technically that is a two.

I'm not going to witness that much.

Not unless your last statement is, I almost became a whore.

I wrote a piece for the National Enquirer once.

Does that count?

I was in the National Enquirer.

Oh, I give up.

You win.

You win. Hey, it really wasn't a fair fight. I mean, it's impossible to out

-depress a whiny, self -obsessed alcoholic Jew.

Hey, I cried.

Hey, while I wait for those nine phone guys to show up, I was thinking I was

going to do a little work on my favorite director.

Actually, it's a lot of work on the old dresser.

A lot of work for one person. A lot of work. To do.

Would you like some help?

That would be great, thank you. Okay.

I got this at a flea market in Paris.

I traded my Carmen gear and three packs of cigarettes for it.

I had to walk all week and quit smoking.

But it was worth it.

Well, could have just gone to Ikea.

No, no, no.

What does that mean?

That means I like things that are hard to find.

Oh.

Tito.

Make glue for you. Oh.

God, do people really do stuff with this besides sniff it?

Mm.

Watch this.

Okay, what I'm going to do is I'm going to hold these edges together.

Okay. Come on.

Down.

And you put the glue right there. Squeeze it gently so it doesn't come out

at once. Okay, don't worry. I will be so gentle.

Here? Uh -huh. Okay.

Perfecto.

Can I ask you a personal question? No.

Come on.

How did you know that Nancy was the right person?

I mean, I know she ended up being the wrong one, but when she wasn't the right

one, how did you know?

I didn't know.

Yeah.

But I knew that whatever happened, good or bad, we were there for each other.

Until now.

Would you get back together with her?

No, I mean, on the one hand, no.

But on the other hand, I haven't signed a divorce paper yet.

I have a pen if that helps.

I think in my head that if I sign them, it's officially over, you know.

A little game I play called denial.

Oh, yes. I am the queen of denial.

Although if anyone asks, I'll deny it.

Okay,

say I'm a customer.

I've sat down at a table in your section, and you're going to take my

right? I'd like a beer.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. That won't be possible.

Excuse me?

I'm uncomfortable serving alcohol to an alcoholic.

How do you know I'm an alcoholic?

When I first came in, you kept repeating, one applicant at a time. That

mean anything. Well, and there's the 12 -step book on the counter.

Okay, well, your concern is touching, but it's really not part of your job. I

think it is.

Steve, when a customer's happy, I'm happy. When a customer's sad, I'm sad.

But when a customer is dead because they've had too many drinks and plowed

car into a school bus, then I'm very upset because we've lost a regular

customer.

How about a ginger ale?

I prefer coffee.

Oh, you want me to act and get it?

I can do that.

This is fun.

Regular or decaf?

Regular.

Are you sure?

Caffeine can make you... Oh, God!

Oh, my God, a couple inches to the left, you would have killed off the whole

Pirelli line.

Yeah, in this case, swelling is not good. Okay, maybe I'm not the most

waitress, but I'm experienced with people. I'm kind, caring, attentive.

Your customers aren't going to remember that.

They're going to remember how I treated them.

That is what I'm afraid of.

Okay, thank you for coming in.

And, you know, I just found this laying around in the back of your closet.

I know you're thinking about taking it because you're a girl, but I will be

wanting that shirt back.

I mean, I knew what pants I'd wear it with and everything.

I have the cutest overalls. So do I. And I like to wear it with this shirt. So,

Billy, what do you want to do next?

Next, you know.

I have no idea. That is the problem. See, ever since I went to the meeting

morning, I've been thinking about it. Do I want a relationship? Do I not want a

relationship? And if I do want a relationship, how do I get it? And who

be with?

All I was saying was, do you want a fan to work on the drawers?

Oh, um, drawers.

Well, those are good questions. I mean, clearly you've been doing some soul

-searching, or you're getting high off the glue.

I like to use the glue.

Actually, it's my soul that's been doing the searching, and 17 days ago it found

me. Well, that would explain the bright look in your eye.

I think it's the glue.

Or fear.

It's really hard starting over.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I had all these plans. I wanted to start a family.

I thought it was going to be with Nathalie, but now who the hell knows.

So you want to have kids?

Yeah. What's yours?

I don't think I'd make it past the credit check.

You're great with kids.

You were great with Dave.

Oh, yeah. I did a real bang -up job with him.

Okay, what's next?

Now, whack.

Whack.

Anyway, I grew up with an alcoholic mom, so I don't want to be one, too.

But you're sober now.

Yeah, and unmarried.

I could see my personal ad.

Single white female hanging by a thread and ready for babies.

They'll be lining up around the block.

Well, I'd get in that line. I mean, if they put your picture in it.

Yeah.

Meaning my life isn't so fucked up.

Really?

Really, you know, fun to be with you.

Helping me fix my stuff.

You look good in my sweater, which, again, I'm going to reiterate, you

take, okay? Look, I'm not going to lie to you. This sweater leaves with me.

Oh, you think so?

Oh, yeah. You're going to have to get it off.

I'm going to get...

and get some turpentine. Yeah, and I'm going to smoke, which you shouldn't do

around things that are flammable.

I learned that on the set of the A -Team when I inadvertently set George's heart

on fire.

Yeah.

story short. I sat down, checked the backseat for animals.

My mom's Camaro had this busted backseat window and sometimes... Which part of

the story is short?

The short part is that my car wouldn't start.

In the story or today?

Both. That's the funny part.

Listen, I know that I didn't make the greatest impression in the interview.

On the contrary, you made an almost permanent impression on my thigh.

That wasn't supposed to happen.

Today was going to be great.

I saw a dandelion pushing its way up through the sidewalk, and I said to

Haley, you can break through just like that dandelion.

Yeah, well, pick another flower, because a dandelion's a weed, and nobody loves

a weed, even though the dandelion gives unselfishly.

What he really hopes for is that the bee will come by once in a while, but no,

no, the bee's got baggage.

The bee doesn't even understand why the weed wants to be in a relationship.

Gee.

You've got issues.

Who's the girl?

Nobody. Dave, you can't fool a P .I .P.

A tit?

A therapist in training. I'm getting my master's in psychology.

I forget the technical term for it, but you're fucked up.

Is the tow truck coming?

We're just talking. I mean, it was just a guess. It doesn't mean it's going to

lead to anything.

Come on, who are you trying to fool with this house? This is something.

You know what? I mean, we're both adults.

I'm single, and he's really not single, but he's not double. He's like one and a

half. It's not a big problem here.

Of course, you're not really looking.

Well, not like that, anyway.

Damn, I should hit that. But no, no, no, I can't. Come on. She's a friend. She's

Dave's friend.

No, but she didn't come over here to glue stuff. She came over here to get

And I got plenty.

I can't. I can't. No, no. She's not in a good place right now.

Neither was that chick from Tulane. Huh?

The one at Mardi Gras? She wasn't right in the head. Didn't stop me then.

But I'm not like that anymore.

Am I?

You know, I've been thinking.

Yeah. Hey, Kelly, me too. I just, I've got things I've got to do. I hear you.

I'm fine.

I'm fine. You sure? Yeah. Okay. Okay. And I'll return the shirt washed. Hey,

whatever, whatever. Just, uh.

Line dry?

Yeah, what do you think? I don't know how to do laundry?

No. Well, who am I kidding? I mean, there was a time I couldn't do laundry.

didn't even know what setting line dry was. But now, don't worry. Hey, thank

for everything.

And sorry about the little finger. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, that shirt is still gone.

You know, I just, I left my...

You have to make a list of both the positives and the negatives.

Can I have that screwdriver?

Let's start with the negatives.

Well, she's forgetful.

Like, for instance, she forgot that she was an alcoholic and she squandered all

her money on booze and drugs.

Ah.

Positive? She's very honest. She always told me when she was cheating on me.

What?

Well, remember, I'm still in training and...

can't be held liable for the advice I'm about to give, and no therapist can

actually tell you what to do.

That said, run.

I know it sounds bad, but she and I have a connection, you know?

We're good friends, we have great sex, we've been through a lot together, we

have a lot of history. I helped her get sober.

Twice. Run, run, run!

Right.

You know, uh...

I've been analyzed by a lot of people, mostly court -ordered.

None of them were as attractive as you.

Most of them were bald with glasses.

Men?

Not necessarily.

Well, any girl can see that you are smart and handsome,

and you have good taste in waitresses, somebody who will not only serve you

a smile, but knows her way through a fuse box.

Impressive.

But, Haley, I can't hire you.

Why?

Because I would never ask an employee out to dinner.

Having said that, I think it's fair that you should know. You're on the rebound,

and you're only going out with me to get this other girl out of your head. Nine

o 'clock, all right? Yeah.

Okay, you're all set.

Next time, put gas in your car.

He's kidding.

So, well, I don't... I don't have a job, but I got somebody to pay for my

dinner. And I don't have a waitress, but I have a tip.

Listen, why don't you come by a little later?

We'll go over to the Espresso Cafe, okay? They got great food, and I

hear they're looking for a waitress.

Today? Okay.

I'll bring my resume.

When I scale from 1 to 10, how great?

Ouch, great.

How great?

What number is ouch?

There is the scale.

I think it's our phone guy.

Yeah.

All right.

You should go get that.

Okay. I'm coming.

I'm coming!

I'm coming!

I'm going to go freshen up.

Oh, Nancy.

Hello, Marcus. Hey.

I'm surprised to see you.

You never call me back.

No, I know. I'm sorry, but now is not a good time. I think that we really need

to talk. Wait, baby. No, don't stop me. This is hard enough as it is.

Look, I think that we might be making a mistake, or I'm sorry, I mean that I

have made one, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that... Marcus, I can't

find my cigarette.

Well, like I said, now's not a really good time.

I need to speak with my husband.

Yeah, of course you do.

Billy, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I mean, really, I'm so sorry. I don't even know

what to say right now. Well, I do.

Why didn't I listen to him? Did I not hear the words coming out of his mouth?

didn't. I made the first paper because if I had, then it would be over.

Is this what I want? Fuck. some guy and then get kicked out?

That's so good when I say it like that.

I'm going to pretend that I didn't even see that. Hey, work for me. My God,

Marcus, it hasn't even been two weeks.

You were the one divorcing me, right?

Right? I know.

You know, I came here because I thought maybe we could work things out.

Guess I'm too late. That's me.

What?

Hey.

Hey!

Um, dropped off Marcus' cell phone.

Let me guess. He was not mad in the first place. Good guess.

Yeah. Nancy stopped by. Oh, that's great. Yeah, maybe they'll get back

Oh, yeah, might be swell.

So, how's it going? It looks really good in here. Oh, check this out.

I got a new stereo system.

Oh, and a new set of lights equipped with a dimmer.

Should we dance?

Well, I think the question is, can we dance? And when I say we, I mean you.

Come on. I can stand still and rock back and forth with the best of them.

All right.

You all right?

I'm sober, so that's good.

Anything you want to talk about?

Not really.

He's here.

You are?

Of course.

I know we've had our rough patches, but I'm not going anyplace.

I'm always going to be two floors down.

Oh, and that was on my foot.

You know, I'm sorry.

For what? For everything.

What happened to, um, guy meets girl, girl rejects guy?

Girl likes his ending better?

Hi.

Hayley, hi.

Uh, Billy, this is Haley.

Haley is our new waitress.

Oh, congratulations.

Thanks.

I'm excited.

And surprised.

Can we start Monday?

Can I see you then?

Okay.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you made the right choice.

I did.

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