All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s02e19 Yes Sir Thats My Baby

Where will I find

someone who understands from where all
is right?

Oh,

my God.

It's almost 5 o 'clock.

Many normal people drink at 5.

I'm waiting till 5, therefore I must be
normal.

4, 3, 2, 1.

Of course they say only alcoholics drink
alone.

Hey, you'll drink with me, right?

You're Irish.

Hi.

Bummer about your son.

And your brother. And you.

Wow. You need this more than I do.

And now I'm hiding the alcohol, which is
something normal people don't do. But,

hey, I'm a little wet.

Billy, you in there? No, I'm throwing my
voice from the lobby.

Who are you talking to?

Hello?

You.

Come on, no. Is there somebody in here?

Because if there is, maybe that would
explain why you haven't returned my

Yes, that would explain it. Oh.

However, I was speaking to our dead
president.

Is he speaking back?

Not with you around. He's shy.

Shy.

Why are all the beautiful girls crazy?

Why can't the crazy girls be beautiful?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think you can just drop in here
anytime you want and kiss me?

We have a date.

Oh.

Oh, that date.

Oh, my gosh. I... Is that tonight?

No, it's actually tomorrow. I just left
early in case there was traffic in the

hall. What? Look, I'm sorry, Dave, but I
have to cancel. I mean, I have a

terrible migraine. Every second is
agony. It's like sitting through

Oh, well, come on. I'll give you a back
rub. Oh, no, no, no, no. You know, I've

had your back rubs, and for your
information, the clitoris is not part of

back. Which is too bad, because if it
was, then going to the chiropractor

be much more fun, right?

I'll give you an adjustment. No, thank
you. But, you know, I just feel so bad

right now. All I want to do is turn out
the lights. Me too.

Lie down. As do I. And throw up. I feel
better.

Okay.

I already do.

Hello, Dave.

Oh, Nob. How are you?

Couldn't be better.

Woke up this morning.

And, no, I woke up in the morning.

Haven't seen the sun in 20 years. Now I
know what these are for.

Yeah, yeah, thus the name sunglasses.

You know, when you wear them at night,
things just get oddly dark. Yeah, you're

telling me.

Dave, I just wanted to thank you for
helping me through my first concert

And so I bought you this little doodad.

Thanks.

Roll that.

Uh, if this is a doodad, I can't wait
for you to give me a tchotchke.

It's engraved, too.

Dave, you fucking rock.

Wow. Now, see, it's not every day you
see the F word engraved. Although once I

did wake up with it tattooed on my ass.

Yes, let me tell you, that'll get you to
stop drinking. And undressing in front

of other people.

Well, may this watch always be as
reliable as you, Dave. Well, it better

costs more than I do.

Which reminds me, um, I'd like to hire
you to come on tour with me.

Yeah, sure. That's very nice, Navi.
Thank you. No, I only sing in the

and even there I get booed. No, no, no,
Dave. You don't understand.

Not to sing, to keep me sober. I mean,
you have this calming effect on me.

Oh. So do you want to come, see the
wonders of the world, the pyramids of

temples of Kyoto?

And there's this whore in Amsterdam.

She can milk a cow with her feet.

Really? With her feet?

Yeah.

Oh.

So what are you doing?

Uh,

trying not to drink.

Yeah, I did that earlier.

I did so well, I'm rewarding myself with
another cocktail.

Makes sense to me.

Which is why I should go to a meeting.

No, you come meet me at the bar. It's
happy hour.

Oh, come on. It's 3 o 'clock.

So what are you saying?

I gotta wait till 5 to be happy? I got a
guy here buying me drinks. I'm happy.

Okay, you make a point.

I mean, after all, in New York, it's 6 o
'clock and happy hour's over. Right. So

you're coming down? I mean, it's half
-priced drinks and all the guys you can

eat.

Well, I am hungry.

Great. See you soon? Okay. Bye.

Hi,

Tiff. We're here.

What was wrong with there?

Nothing.

Hey, how's my favorite little nephew?

You know?

want to run away from home, you
shouldn't bring your mom.

Thank you so much for offering to watch
him.

Did I do that?

Oh,

I meant watch him on videos because then
you can fast forward it.

Billy. Look, Tish, I'm not good with
living things, okay? I mean, when I was

eight, I killed my guinea pig.

Did you know that they can't swim? Well,
not in a jacuzzi, anyway. Another

experiment gone awry.

Now, it's only for a few hours, and I've
written a specific list of instructions

that even a monkey could follow. So
leave them at the zoo. I'm sure one of

gorillas there is lactating.

Oh, my gosh. This is not a list. It's a
novella.

Billy, you have to do this. Jerry's out
of town, and it's my church group's turn

to volunteer at the homeless shelter.

Those poor lost souls are counting on
me. Why don't you just take little Oral

with you?

Are you kidding?

Bring my baby around those low -life
filthy scum?

Hey, if they can push around a shopping
cart, they can push a stroller.

Billy, you promised me.

Now, back where I come from, a promise
is a promise. Yeah, well, here in L .A.,

a promise is a vague bunch of words that
have no meaning.

Please. Oh.

Oh, okay, just put them over there with
the others.

What others? I don't see any.

Oh, my God. I am the world's worst
babysitter.

Now try.

Okay, here are his baby wipes, a change
of diapers, and a bottle of my breast

milk. Ew. Can't I just give him a you
-hoo? Yeah, along with his steak.

All right.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Oh, great.

See, because of you, I can't go to the
bar.

Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

So, Auntie Billy will keep you safe, and
you keep Auntie Billy sober.

Okay?

No pressure.

Okay, Joyce. Now, when I'm up in San
Francisco this weekend with Maddie, I'm

going to let you run the place. It's
going to be like a little triad. What do

you mean a triad? I thought I already
had the job. That's why I left my other

job. So do I have the job or not? And if
not, why not?

Are you mad at me?

No, no. I'm concerned that you have the
heart rate of a hummingbird.

Okay, no more coffee for you. You can
serve it. You don't drink it.

Well, is that a heart -spot role?
Because I really like coffee. That's why

took this job. Otherwise, I would have
stayed at Jamba Juice, but I don't like

juice. I like coffee.

Yes, I know that. That's why your blood
type is French Roast.

Go, clean, circuit, melt.

You're never going to guess what
happened.

Bobby's asked me to go around the world
with him. Whoa, I didn't even know you

two were dating.

Don't be ridiculous. He's way too short
for me. Come on, he hired me to be his

sponsor on the road.

Dave, you know you cannot be a paid
sponsor. And you also know the whole

of this program is that it's free.

No, I thought the point of the program
was to help people stay sober. It is.

Yeah. But you can't buy sobriety.

Money crops.

Never having had any, I wouldn't know,
but I'd sure like to find out. Come on,

Mel, this is a big opportunity for me,
man. Would it kill you to be a little

more positive?

I am positive.

I'm positive that this is a bad idea.

Hey, whoa, look.

I'm a happy clown. I'm a dancing happy
clown. I'm a dancing clown who

needs a drink.

Okay, oh, I got it. Hey, hey, hey, here
we go.

How about we take the Cosmo personality
test?

Okay, here we go.

Do you like to strip for your man?

No. See, me either, because you try to
look sexy, but you end up getting your

foot stuck in your jeans and you hop
around like an idiot.

Yeah? No? Okay.

How about a drink? Are you thirsty?

I am.

Here we go.

Yeah?

Oh, Oral, come on. Oh, I know, I know.
Look.

Hey, how about from a perkier breast
than you're used to?

No use crying over spilled breast milk.

Wow. I didn't even know you were
pregnant. You were barely showing.

What do you mean, barely?

Okay, okay, okay, go on. If that is not
a walking advertisement for Bachelor.

Not to mention birth control.

I know.

Hey, hey, hey, be careful.

Oh, come on. I used to babysit for my
little twin neighbors all the time. Of

course, they were girls.

And they were 16.

And they like to be spent.

And the cops bought that story?

See, then he just needed to get picked
up.

Like so many of us. Yeah.

Listen, I can't stay. I just came by to
see how you're doing and to tell you I'm

going on tour.

Oh. So the circus finally took you.

No, actually, I'm going on tour with
Nobby.

You know, we're going to do a couple
more California dates and then on to

and Japan.

Japan?

Well, that should be fun. You'll be the
tallest guy there.

So you're okay with this? Sure.

Yeah, I mean, you know, you need space
and I need space.

Hmm, what are we, astronauts?

Look, if you really want me to stay...
You'll stay?

No, but I feel pretty guilty on most of
the plane ride.

Oh, then fine.

Go. You know, just leave me here with
the baby. We don't need you anyway.

Hey, that's not my baby.

Yeah, well, it's not mine either, but
I'm staying, aren't I?

Listen. The limo was downstairs waiting
for me.

I always wanted to say that.

I'll miss you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.

Come on, take care of yourself, and I'll
call you, all right?

Yeah, well, I might not be here.

I might go on tour with Cher.

She may not be a drunk, but she can sure
use my fashion advice.

Bye.

Well, it's just you and me, kid.

And we don't need him, right? We don't
need anybody or anything.

I have to drink.

That's right. We need a drink.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Are you thirsty, too?

Yeah. Well, look, we are going to get
you some formula.

Although, personally, I think it's never
too early to start dieting. Boy, who'd

have thought you'd have a drinking
problem, too?

I thought you didn't like short guys.
See? He makes me look tall.

Besides, he's fabulously wealthy.

In that case, does he have a brother?

Honestly, why did you bring a baby here?

Because if I left him in the cab, Ahmed
would have kept the meter running.

Actually, we just went out to the store
to get some baby formula, and he

insisted on coming here.

You see?

He said bar.

Isn't that cute?

Can you say Harvey Warbanger?

If he does, the drinks are in the house.

All right, what'll it be?

Oh, none for me. I am babysitting.

Come on, have one drink. I mean, after
all the babies had his shots, why

shouldn't he get yours?

Good point.

I mean, I need to be inoculated against
life.

Yeah, it's not fair if he gets to hit
the bottle and you don't. Right, I mean,

after all, I've been catering to his
needs all night. Right, so why should

be held a prisoner for his demands, his
moods, his blatant immaturity?

Come on, he's like four months old.

And he should act like it and not expect
to be coddled like an infant.

I could use a good coddling and a
spanking. Oh, shut up, Vic.

Drunks should be seen, not heard, unless
they're ordering me a drink.

All right, gel, buy them around.

On me.

Oh, okay.

Well, since I can only have one, make it
a triple.

And you, don't order any milk. They'll
call you soon.

It goes on and on.

And on and on and on.

It's a fucking boring song. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

Booze. Gabby doesn't need the booze.
Thank you. Hey, hey, Dave, come on.

be too hasty. I mean, it's for the
atmosphere, the ambience.

Yeah. Like these groupies. I mean, I
can't fuck them all, but it's nice to

them to friends.

Yeah, my friend, girls are not addicted.

Bet you can't eat as well.

Who'd want to?

Hey,

Billy, you've got to change the baby.

Hey, look, if there's one thing I've
learned, it's that no one can change

Okay? You have got to change yourself.

Poor baby.

It's not easy to change, is it? But you
know what? I'm going to help you. Your

Auntie Billy is going to make it.

Oh, hey.

There we go.

Jeez, what did you eat?

Vic, you're an asswipe. You do this.

Billy? Yes. Oh, jeez.

How dare you bring my baby to a place
like this? Oh, it's a great place. It's

like Chuck E. Cheese, only the rats
don't sing.

Besides, they say it takes a village to
raise a child, and every village has a

bar. So, you know, a lot of those kids
must be drunk. You gave my baby liquor?

Of course not.

I drank one. I am not. Don't be
ridiculous.

She's hammered. It's completely
different.

God, he's covered in peanut shells.

Oh, I know. That's because he was so
cold.

Of all the horrible things you've ever
done in your life, this is the worst.

Oh, come on.

There's no police here. Everyone has
their clothes on and no one's dead. So I

don't even think you'd make the list.
Well, I made mine.

Well, you know what? I told you not to
leave the baby with me. Oh, so it's my

fault you're an irresponsible drunk?

Well, it is about time. You admitted it.

Hey.

Good night, eh?

Yeah, man, but how the hell do you sleep
with those fans screaming outside?

Well, they weren't outside. They were in
my room.

Don't most fans just write a letter?

They do, yeah. It's a penthouse.

After they've been with me.

Yeah, if I had a nickel for every girl
who wrote the penthouse after being with

me, you'd still have to buy me
breakfast.

You helped me sell it, but, uh...

Get a move on, because I want to go and
buy a Ferrari.

I thought you already had one.

Yeah, but what if it breaks down?

Jesus, for 300 grand, you'd think they'd
give you a loaner.

Listen, I think today we've got to work
on your program.

Oh, we've got plenty of time for that,
Dave. We're going to 12 different

countries. That's one for each step.

Which gets us to Monaco for step nine.
Very convenient, because I need to make

amends to Princess Caroline.

I vomited in the palace pool.

Not proud of it.

Have you seen my other boot?

It's in the TV.

Hello? Dave, it's me. Do you have a
minute?

Hey, come on, Dave. Get a move on.

Actually, Nabi needs me for something.
Can we talk a little later?

I guess so.

Dave, Dave, these Ferraris will not test
drive themselves.

Not this year's models, anyway. Come on,
call me later, okay?

I've got to go. Sure. You know, I just
wanted to tell you... I slipped and

really fucked up.

I'm not even dressed. Come on. Look, I
know you want to go shopping. I think we

really have to work on your sobriety.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

You work for me, remember?

Here's your first week's pay.

You're doing great.

Look, this, Nubby, this is all wrong.

Well, I took a little out of the cracked
headboard. No, this arrangement is all

wrong. You know, I'm your sponsor. I'm
not being helpful to you. You are, Dave.

I'm completely sober.

I'm as dry as a martini. Bad metaphor,
but you know what I mean. Come on. Today

you're sober.

Okay? The only way that you can stay
sober is to work the program. Let's do

now.

We're ready, Nobby.

Look, Dave, are you sure?

Because Petunia here, she's never been
in a Ferrari.

Ooh, fast cars make me horny.

Well, it's always tomorrow.

Make sure the equipment is labelled for
San Diego. I don't want the guitars

ending up in San Salvador like last
time.

I'm still getting demo tapes from the
rebels.

I think we should do some work now.
We've been working, Dave. I've done

sold -out concerts this week. I mean,
work on your sobriety. Remember

Anonymous, the 12 Steps and the meetings
and all the people who talk like I'm

doing right now? Dave, maybe you didn't
get this before, but I pay you.

That means I'm your boss.

And when I want to work on the
programme, then we will.

But you never want to. Well, it makes
your job easier, doesn't it? No, not

really. You've got to want to work on
this program, Nabi. It's not my job to

you. Well, then quit doing it.

Now, come on, grab my bag and let's get
out of here.

Grab your bag? I'm not your roadie, I'm
your sponsor.

Does that mean your arm's broken?

Uh -huh, no.

It means the relationship is really not
working.

Jeez, now you sound like my ex -wife.

Hey, you're not going to sue me, are
you? No, I'm not going to sue you. You

know, the truth is that since I became
your employee, you've lost all respect

for me. I came down here to help you
with your sobriety. You know, I can't do

if I'm on your payroll.

So you're saying that you'll work more
effectively if I don't pay? Yep. Oh,

great! I wish that were true of my
lawyers, my agent and my ex -wives.

I mean, they've never done any work, the
lazy cows.

You don't understand, man. I'm leaving.

You can't leave.

I can't stay sober without you. Oh, yes,
you can. Come on, there's meetings in

every city and every part of the world.

Really? Of course.

We may be drunks, but we're organized
drunks.

Look, I'll make you a list, okay, of all
the meetings. You go to them, and

whenever you need help, you call me, day
or night. All right?

You promise?

I promise. Come on.

Hey, Dave, you're a great guy. Oh, and
you can't put a price tag on that. Okay.

Hey, girls, come and say goodbye to
Dave. He's leaving.

I'm going to miss you, you know. Yeah.

We have great fun.

And I'm going to miss you, too.

I'm going to miss you, too.

And, Brandy, I'm going to miss yours,
you, most of all.

What the hell do you think you were
doing?

I know.

I'm sorry. Let me explain.

Do you have any idea would you put my
wife and baby through? Do you have any

idea? Well, I was there, so yes, I have
an inkling.

Look, I'm really sorry, Jerry, but to
help smooth things over, I bought the

a gift.

Oh, what is it? Baby's first wet bar?

No. It's a Bible baby. You push its
belly and it quotes the scriptures.

Forgive us our trespasses.

Do you really think that a toy can make
up for what you did?

Not anymore.

Look, Jerry, I am really sorry, and I
promise I will never take the baby to a

bar again.

You know, from now on, it's strictly
pool halls and brothels.

You're not going to joke your way out of
this.

I can't find my way out of it. I can't
joke my way out of it. How the fuck am I

going to get out of it?

You're not.

When did you fall off the wagon?

What wagon? I was never on a wagon.

What do I look like, Annie Oakley?

No.

You look like an alcoholic.

And that makes me really sad.

Yeah, well, I'm sad too. But you know
how I feel when I take a drink?

Less sad.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. But until
you're sober, I can't be around you.

We grew up with a drunk.

I'm not going to let that happen to my
son.

Oh, so, okay. So I make one little
mistake and you just write me off?

Huh? You know, if that's the kind of
person you are, then I don't want to be

around you.

You won't be.

Oh, fine. Fine, go. Everyone else has.
Mom, Dave, Jackie, everyone.

I don't need any of you.

Last time I waited this long for a cup
of coffee, I was a POW.

If that was an Asia man, you should have
been ordering tea.

Dave, what the hell are you doing back
already?

I missed you?

Yeah, right.

How'd it go?

Incredibly well, I think. All the
customers really seemed to like me

ones I put coffee on. But they're not
going to sue because fortunately the

coffee was performed because I think the
burner was broken. But I don't know if

I'll fix it. Do you?

It sounds like you work very hard.

I'm going to give you the rest of the
night off with pay.

I'm speechless.

Thank God.

So, weren't cut off for life on the
road, huh?

Now, what do you want me to say, huh?
That I was wrong and you were right,

I made a mistake?

I should have listened to you?

That I'm an idiot?

That's exactly what I want you to say.
You must be a mind reader.

I'm still going to be Nabi's sponsor,
just from a distance.

Wish I could do it that way.

Thank you for trying to give me some
good advice.

You're welcome. Maybe next time you'll
listen to it.

I doubt it.