Original subtitles

Hey, no matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics. I

don't know any way. Where will I find someone who understands?

We've got time for one more quick share.

Okay, come on out.

You know what I just realized?

We never had sex during a meeting. Well, a very good reason for that is because

of all the people around.

That's a very good reason.

Hi.

I'm Clark, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Clark.

I'm also a drug -addicted, compulsive, overeating, anorexic with sex issues.

Let the people with real problems have a chance.

Six years ago, I wouldn't have been able to laugh at that because my self

-esteem was so tiny.

How tiny?

Here's my self -esteem, and here's an atom.

And what destroyed my self -esteem?

Tempok said this to his mother.

My mother.

The worst was when she looked at me and said, Clark, you're nothing.

Nothing.

What a happy Christmas day that was.

Try Hanukkah at my house. Eight days of abuse.

Or maybe it was when she said, Clark, Daddy left us because you're too fat.

Oh, time's up.

Just as well, because I shouldn't speak ill of Mother.

Although it's a lot easier now that she's dead and can't hit me.

Okay, people, we gotta get out of here. The Tourette's group has the room next,

and the last time we didn't clean up fast enough, they really cursed me out.

Motherfu -

Boy, that Clark guy is a real mess.

I'll say.

That's why I'm going to ask him to be my sponsor. What?

Compared to him, I look well -adjusted.

It's the same reason girls want an ugly friend, to make them look better. Oh,

yeah, that's why I hang out with you.

Hi. Hi. I'm Billy, and you're gay, right?

Why do you assume that?

Well, maybe it's your voice or your mannerisms or the fact that you're

at my purse instead of my tits.

I am not.

If it so happens, I'm not a tits man. I'm more of an ass man. Because you're

gay.

Well, yeah.

Anyway, I was only asking because I want you to be my sponsor.

It's an honor. I'd love to.

Great. But I really think I should warn you, I'm cursed.

Then again, no need to be rash.

You see, it was going great with my first sponsor, Ted.

The next thing you know, he has a yo -yo stuck in his tush.

Next thing you know... He tried a very complicated version of walk the dog.

Gosh, I'd hate to see his around the world.

So after that, after him, I tried Chad.

And then he ended up having to go to the hospital for a liver transplant.

Okay. So you can see why I think I'm cursed.

Actually, I don't think you're cursed.

You don't?

No. You're a jinx. A jinx?

So I'm not cursed?

No, no.

See, if you were cursed, bad things would be happening to you.

Instead, bad things happen to those around you.

Especially the gay men around you.

It kind of puts me in a scary pickle.

Oh, come on. Look, I need help.

That's not in dispute. It's just that I've worked very hard to stop my

drugging, binging, purging, codependency -enabling and excessive masturbating.

I don't deserve to wind up jaundiced with a yo -yo up my ass.

Who does?

Look, the point is, I'm desperate here. I mean, just recently, I dated Dave

Sponsee and then cheated on him with Dave. And now, Dave's avoiding me.

You cheated on your boyfriend with your boyfriend Sponsee? No, I cheated on my

boyfriend Sponsee with my boyfriend.

I see.

Yeah. So, you're not a change?

Of course not.

You're evil.

So, Billy dated Zach, right, who I was sponsoring, and...

The next thing you know, I get so jealous that I... Shot her? No, I slept

her. What?

You fucked your sponsee's girlfriend?

Yes, I did.

Oh, man, that's vile. I know.

Fucked his sponsee's girlfriend. That's what I'm saying.

Well, you know what you gotta do. What? What?

Well, you gotta take the first step. You gotta admit that you're powerless

over... Oh, alcohol.

I know. I've done that step.

Not alcohol.

You've got to admit that you're powerless over the pussy.

Evil. No.

It was not my fault. It was Zach and Dave. They slept with me. And what were

doing during that time?

Calculating the circumference of their dicks?

Oh, yes, because I'm never without my abacus.

All I'm saying is, what was your part?

I mean, why did you go out with Dave's sponsee in the first place?

I guess I dated Zach to make Dave jealous.

And then I slept with Dave to make him look bad.

I mean, he's always looking down on me.

It's a lot harder for him to do when I'm on top of him.

Evil. Oh, come on. Both my other sponsors said we do the bad things we do

because we're sick alcoholics. And look where they are.

Okay, yeah, you know, we're all sick. But you're a little, maybe, malevolent.

Wait a minute. What happened to Evil?

Evil just got a new sponsor.

Really? You betcha. You are just...

scary lady, and I need to confront my fears and embrace them. That's great.

Thank you. Don't touch me. Oh.

Germs. Sorry.

All the pussy?

Well, I don't know about all of it, but this one sure has a spell over your ass.

Excuse me. I have been highly complimented on my powers over the

one time I was called a pussy conqueror.

Uh -huh. Of course, I'm the one who called me that, but I didn't hear a lot

disagreeing. Uh -huh. Because I had my cock in her mouth at the time, but...

She was nodding vigorously. Uh -huh. Totally made me like her more.

Uh -huh. I don't care what you call yourself. Your priorities are fucked up.

know. What if Zach had slipped because of you? Did you ever think of that? Yes.

Before and after I came.

Son, this is bad.

I know. How many times do I have to tell you you have got to stop seeing Billy?

I know. I'm trying. I am. I'm trying. I even started going to a different

meeting without her, you know, but...

She lives in my building, and she comes to my coffee shop all the time. She's

following me around everywhere. It's like having a shadow with tits. I know,

know.

Look, if you don't want a drink, you don't go to a bar, right?

True, but bars don't come to your apartment at 2 o 'clock in the morning

a whipped cream bikini.

She did that? Yeah.

I don't care if she comes with a scoop of ice cream on her head. You've got to

keep your banana out of her split.

You tell that to my nuts.

Attention, privates!

Billy is now off limits.

Go find some new pussy. Now, what are you going to do? Tell me.

Find some new pussy. I can't hear you!

Find me some new pussy!

I've got some.

Let's start with the basics.

How many meetings a week do you go to?

Well, I really only go to the meetings Dave goes to.

It's kind of a Dave commitment.

Let's see, the next one is... Oh, Wednesday afternoon at 3.

Oh, yeah. No.

No? You are obsessed with this guy.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm not obsessed with him.

Hey, have you seen Dave? Is he here yet?

Okay, Billy.

Billy?

Over here. Yeah.

As your new sponsor, I'm going to write you a prescription.

Really?

I mean, I know I'm not supposed to do drugs, but sponsor knows best.

What is it? Go to meetings without Dave.

Oh.

I was kind of hoping for pharmaceutical cocaine.

You need to focus on your own recovery.

Otherwise, you'll just end up in Daveaholics Anonymous.

Well, would Dave be there?

No, no, no.

No,

back up your entrance.

No, no.

It was better off where it was before.

You see, Antonia, this book about Feng Shui says that by rearranging the

furniture, I can improve my orgasms, even with my husband.

And if I can do that, I won't have to cheat on Max. What do you think?

After all, I am married.

Well, it should mean something.

I don't know what, but... God damn it, I'm going to find out.

Could it be, Antonia, that after all these years, I'm finally beginning to

true love for my husband?

Don't listen to me. Going on like a school hill, talking to you as if you

real person.

What do you say we go rearrange the dining room pronto?

I agree.

I think the couch would look better there, too.

Real lesbian makeup.

You want it? You can have it. I've decided to go au naturel. But you're a

lipstick lesbian.

I mean, without your lipstick, you're just a lesbian.

What's next, a crew cut and power tools? No.

I've just given up on trying to find Ms. Right because all I keep finding is Ms.

Erie.

Fabulous. I mean, not about the misery I was talking about myself.

Well, if you're talking, that's understood.

Oh, Jackie, come on. I'm here for you.

Gosh, I love this Dyxel Diggum blush.

Yeah, well, let me tell you, it hasn't been working for me.

That's because you keep hitting on straight women.

Because someone is married doesn't automatically mean that they're

No, but it's a good clue.

I can't believe I'm actually going to a meeting without Dave.

Why is it called the great meeting anyway?

Because all the cutest people go.

Oh, not all. I've never been there.

Or you.

Well, I heard it's the hot meeting right now. They have the best speakers,

killer coffee. It's sort of like a singles bar.

Not that that would do me any good. Of course it will. See, when I find a cute

guy, you can hit on his wife.

You and you in.

Hi. We're full.

But I... As in no see.

But we are... Sorry, fire code. But we're friends of Bill.

What is it? W. W?

Lady, this is Addictions Anonymous. We're all friends of Bill W. No, no, no,

I am a close personal friend of his. In fact, last night I spoke to him. You

did?

No, I mean, I can say talk back.

Good save.

Please let us come in. Sorry, lady, no go.

Hey, there's that girl from Baywatch.

Where?

Anything? I'm sorry, darling.

Antonia, try moving the bed a little more to the left.

All right.

Once more.

All right, darling.

They're all the gorgeous people.

Yeah, gosh, I hope I'm still the cutest.

I'm definitely not the tallest.

Well, outside of Munchkinland, where are you the tallest? Hey, I thought you

were here to support me. You know, when you don't wear your lipstick, you are

mean. Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just bitter and lonely.

If you think you're alone now, cheer up, or this midget's going to ditch you in

the crowd.

Come on, let's just go to London with the beautiful people, eh?

I haven't a clue.

The next thing you know, right, I'm down in Tijuana with a sombrero on my dick.

Billy. Dave. Jack.

What are you doing here?

I'm at a meeting. A meeting.

A great meeting that you never told us about.

Well, I never told you about it. It's my first time here. Hey, great tasting

coffee, Dave. Thanks. Gets better every week. Okay.

Known psychotic. A minute ago, he thanked me for inventing Bisquick.

Five minutes to meeting time.

You are going to hell, mister.

Why? I don't have to tell you everything. I don't. It's not like we're

relationship. Yes, we are.

Yes, we are.

It may not be a good relationship. It may not be a healthy relationship. It

be that the ship in which we are relating is sinking, but we are both on

like I explained to you when we first slept together, if I'm going down, so

you. Your analogy.

Okay, my analogy is that I'm alone on the ship, and you're like this beautiful

mermaid that's luring me onto the rocks.

Is that a compliment?

No. No.

The point is that as much as I want to be with you, and I do, I don't like who

am when I'm with you.

Well, your analogy sucks, okay? And if you want to get away from me, the exits

are clearly marked, sailor.

That's a mixed metaphor. Planes and boats.

At least it says what I want it to say. Leave.

You leave.

You leave. You leave. I can't leave. I got a commitment.

Listen up.

There's a new commitment. I'll take it.

Ben. No!

Hi. I'm Faye.

Hi. I'm depressed.

With a name like that, you must have been teased a lot in school.

Not as much as my sister, Fuckface.

You're funny.

Thanks.

Oh, could you just tell me, is there a...

Black cloud over my head.

She's not there!

Oh, God. The energy in this room is completely off.

Put it over by the window.

Oh, very good.

Oh, I don't know what to do. My sex life at max is worse than before.

That man couldn't find my clitoris if it was encased in plutonium and he had a

Geiger counter strapped to his tongue.

Oh,

thank you, darling. You know what your support means to me.

Mother? Die in here, darling.

I just got the quiche commitment at the great meeting and I was hoping Antonia

could make me up a hundred of those... Ouch!

Quiche. Watch your step, darling.

I'll just take the stairs.

Ooh, are you scared?

Careful, I'm a quiche -bearing mermaid luring you into the elevator.

I'm just trying to avoid your presence. You.

Now, here you are again.

Yeah, hello. I live in this building.

Would you please find another meeting and help me stay away from you, please?

Hey, I have less sobriety than you, okay? I need that meeting more than you.

I've got a commitment.

As do I. I had mine first.

Okay, but you do coffee and I do food, and food beats coffee.

This isn't rock, paper, coffee.

Come on, I can't give up my commitment.

Well, I'm not giving up mine.

You know what your problem is?

You are obsessed with me.

Oh, at least I follow you around like a normal obsessed person. You're obsessed

with me and you avoid me.

That is crazy.

That is not crazy. That is healthy. I'm obsessed with alcohol. I try to avoid

that, too. No, Dave. You love alcohol and you love me. The problem is you

handle either of us.

You have to put your key commitment right next to mine. It's like you're

stalking me.

So, is there a law against that?

Several. They're called the stalker laws.

You know, I arrived ten minutes before you, so technically you're stalking me.

Because, you see, the stalker always arrives after the stalky. Unless the

stalker is psychic. And I'm not psychic. No, you're psycho.

Try the hazelnut, please.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to report you to the steering committee. They're going to have you

ousted. I'm not afraid of any old steering committee. Fuck the steering

committee.

Especially if you're on it.

I'm not. I'm on the cleaning committee.

Oh. Would you blow me?

Oh, well.

Gee, I'm sure I have a nappy comeback for you somewhere in my purse.

Oh, I don't. But look, me.

When you've said too much, you've worn too little.

Hi, depressed.

How's my little black cloud?

Hi. I am biracial, I'm not a cloud, and I am not yours.

Okay. I know where I'm not wanted.

Not at my home, not at my job, and apparently not here where I go for

Oh, well, why don't you go home and cry on your husband's shoulder?

Honey, that biracial lesbian was mean to me.

Ten minutes to meeting time.

Oh, this is awful.

What?

Yeah, he made me do it.

How? Did he hold a gun to your little head and say, please, Billy, sabotage my

commitment and humiliate me in front of my fellows?

No. Then did he make himself really small and creep inside your little head

control you like you were a robot?

No, again. And is my head oddly little to you?

Billy, you're missing the point. I'm missing the point. You're the one going

about robots and teeny heads. And will you stop with the cheese sticks?

What I mean is...

He didn't make you do it.

I mean, there's no reason for you to go to that meeting except to bug Dave.

And there's so many people right here for you to bug.

People you haven't even met yet.

Well, that's true, but I'm still going. I don't care what you say.

Well, you should. I'm your sponsor.

But the only reason you are is because I thought you were so fucked up that you

wouldn't have time to tell me what to do.

What?

Are you crying?

No.

I'm just...

Allergic. To insensitivity. Oh, come on.

Clark, I'm sorry, okay?

Look, I didn't mean fucked up in a bad way.

Well, nearly.

Is there a good way to be fucked up? Well, fucked up the ass?

That's true.

You see?

Besides, you know, I have a quiche commitment, and I know you don't want me

break that.

No, I...

Right, and because the vegetarians are counting on my quiche. Otherwise,

nothing there but meat.

There's sirloin tips and lamb chops and chicken satay.

Oh, sounds good, doesn't it? Sure does.

Need a ride?

Saul. Yes, and she refuses to leave.

These damn vegetarians won't stop talking about her quiche.

Well, you'll just have to go to a meeting where Billy can't find you. I

there's one in Bangkok.

What I got to do is stop giving in. You know, I've gone from being powerless

over the pussy to becoming an actual pussy. I got to pee a line in the sand

while I still can.

Well, you can pee wherever you want. I'm still not letting you go to that

meeting. I was at the meeting first.

Besides, this meeting, it's like a tit and an anus on his board.

Need a ride?

That's better, Tom.

But a little lower.

Now a little to the left.

Careful. That's delicate.

Yeah, yes.

Yes, that's it. That's it. Perfect.

Antonia, don't move.

Hello, gorgeous. Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thanks. It'll keep me up all night.

So would I, baby.

Busy be scratching.

Grabs.

Quiche? It's cold.

Oh. Cold.

Hello again.

Remember me?

You dinged my chair.

Oh. Three times.

I was just trying to wrap it up.

It's hard to be concise when you're suffering.

Ding. See there, that wasn't so hard.

Touche.

I'm just messing with you, man.

I'm hoping you're here to keep your sponsee in line.

On the contrary, I'm here because I heard they have great quiche.

Which, sadly, I can't partake of because of my ovophobia.

Fear of eggs.

Chicken about your eggs.

Good joke.

Hey,

I'm sorry I was rude the last time.

And the time before. And I wanted to apologize in advance if I'm rude sooner,

later, or now. So, bye.

Depressed? Don't go.

Look, it was my fault. Obviously, I was too forward.

I mean, just because you don't wear makeup doesn't mean you're a lesbian.

What?

See, I always do this. I'm attracted to straight girls, and then I make a fool

out of myself.

You mean you're not married?

No.

I just wear this so the guys will leave me alone.

Yes!

What? I'm gay, you idiot.

Oops. Sorry. I told you I'd be rude. Thank God I already apologized. My real

name is Jackie.

Hi. Hi.

Wow. I didn't realize vegetarians were so handsome.

I hope you like it. I made it myself.

Actually, she was helped by her flying monkey slaves.

You didn't help me.

Fly away.

Fly. Fly. I'm not leaving, honey. You are.

Roach. Roach in the quiche. That is a lie.

Eat one. Show him there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

I'm no fortune teller, but I think I see someone else taking over this quiche

commitment. You bastard.

Oh, that?

What's that?

Oh, gee, did someone peed in the coffee?

Hey,

someone has to clean this up. Hey, man, you better get your girl in line.

Your sponsor started it. He maligned her quiche. Well, she softened his coffee.

She had to do something to give it flavor.

That's right. You tell him. Clark, my sponsor can kick your sponsor's ass.

Yeah, maybe if my sponsor was bedridden.

What are you laughing at? I could take you. To where?

La Cage a Fall?

You want a piece of me?

Come on.

Come on.

Bring it on. Let's go.

Clark. Clark.

Reality check. Melt. Green Beret train killer. You afraid of X.

If you don't get out of my face, I will scramble your ass.

Oh, I'm not scared of you.

I have survived worse. My mother used to wash my mouth out with soap for using

four -letter words like stop or don't or help.

You want to see foaming at the mouth? I think I am. I got a four -letter word

for your ass. This motherfucker's nuts.

Nuts. Nuts.

These don't have eggs in them, do they? No, and they're only 90 calories.

Fabulous.

That's it. That's it. I demand a vote. Who wants these four out of here?

Thank God we're out of there.

That claustrophobia was starting to kick in.

Oh, shut up, Clark. Why don't you have a useful phobia, like fear of your own

voice? Nice going, Dave. Way to get us kicked out of the meeting.

Me?

Well, yes, you and Milt. You should both be ashamed of yourself.

You know what I am? I am. I'm ashamed and I'm upset. I'm so upset that I've

to go to a meeting right now.

Well, which one?

Billy. Billy!

I just came to return this platter. Oh, be careful, darling. Don't touch

anything. Why? What is this, a crime scene?

Don't tell me you finally killed Antonia.

Don't be ridiculous, darling. There'd be no one to clean it up.

I just don't want you to disturb the delicate feng shui balance that has

your father to bring me to orgasm.

Yay. Yay for you and yay for me for getting to hear all about it.

I knew you'd be happy for me, darling.

Hi, Daddy. How are you?

Okay, but I say my tongue.

No pain, no gain, darling.

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