All language subtitles for Rude Awakening s02e03 And Now a Word from Our Sponsor

Where will I find

someone who understands?

From where will the...

Hideous, watching that baby come out. So
many other things came out as well.

It was like a piñata, a vagina piñata.

Piñata? No, no, don't get any ideas.

I don't want any gum. I want a foot

massager, El Massagio Fito.

Oh, God, the things I had to endure
listening to that squealing hillbilly.

It was like a scene from Deliverance.
Oh, we need it with a mongoloid in the

corner playing a banjo.

Maybe Ned Beatty.

Poor man.

Hello? Hello, Tish.

Darling,

of course the baby cries.

Has to cry, part of growing up, darling.
Soon he'll be walking and talking and

stealing Valium from your purse.

Look,

darling, I would love to come over and
help, but I absolutely refuse to become

one of those interfering grandmothers.
In fact, to make sure that I don't start

intruding, I'm hanging up right now.

Hey, how was your weekend?

Well, I delivered a baby, brought Jackie
out of a coma, reconciled her with her

deadhead mother, and still had time to
cut my bangs.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Nothing. I just took a pair of scissors
and went like this. No, no, no. What

happened to Jackie?

You didn't hear? No. She OD'd. This time
she went into a coma. It was so scary,

Chad. Is she going to be okay?

Yeah, I talked to her this morning.

She's in rehab again.

Well, I guess you could call it re
-rehab. Or, in her case, re -re -re -re

-re, all the way home.

Okay. Quiet down, people.

We're running late.

Hi, baby.

Okay, come on.

Hey, we gotta get started. Let's quiet
down.

Hey! Shut the fuck up!

Hi. My name is Milt, and I'm an
alcoholic.

Hi, Milt.

Now, I recently celebrated 20 years of
sobriety by taking a little trip. I went

to Washington, D .C. to visit the
Vietnam War Memorial, and I was moved.

That is, until I saw my name on the
wall. I mean, I know I had done a lot of

drinking and drugging in Nam, and I
don't remember everything, but I was

sure I didn't die over there, so I
proceeded to scratch my name off the

Now, amusingly enough, I wasn't the only
Milt Johnson in Vietnam. Or at the wall

that day. It seems a certain Milt
Johnson Sr.

had come to pay his respects, and when
that old man saw me scratching his dead

son's name off the wall, He proceeded to
take his cane and beat the shit out of

me.

All right, anybody else want to share?

Hi,

my name is Dave. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Dave.

As some of you may know, Jackie OD'd
over the weekend. She almost died, but

she's at the Hollywood Recovery House.

Yeah. And, you know, because Hallmark
doesn't make a card that says

congratulations on coming out of a coma,
I made one myself.

Pass it around if you want to sign it.

Hope you have a great withdrawal.

We're here for you as soon as you're
allowed to call.

At least I can do, because I completely
failed to notice that she had

slept.

How unperceptive does a person have to
be to not notice that their best friend

is shooting up heroin in their
apartment?

You know. What is wrong with me?

He's self -absorbed.

That's from the queen of self
-absorption.

You are a human bounty towel.

Flame off, Chad. I didn't notice that
Jackie was in trouble until I found her

the floor because I was totally self
-involved.

I was too busy watching the Dave show.

I'm the best thing in that show.

Then in the hospital, when we're waiting
to hear if my best friend was going to

live or die, all I could think about was
how bad that made me feel.

You know, tonight on the Dave show,
Dave...

Rerun.

Next thing I know, a friend of mine and
I are in a bar.

Because we were so upset about Jackie's
slip that we almost flipped. Yeah, but

we didn't.

What?

Are my bangs uneven?

I just feel like it's all a big house of
cards.

If one of us goes down, we're all going
to go down.

So I'm here to tell you that I'm
committed to working this program

noon, and night.

Because I'm not going to go down.

Except on me, because I didn't wax for
nothing.

I can't believe you went to a bar
without asking me first. Why would I?

don't drink.

And anyway, it wasn't a gay bar.

Stop kidding around. The last place you
should be is at a bar. Oh, really? Bars

are bad. Well, there go salad bars and
chocolate bars, and guess I can't be a

lawyer because I'd have to take the bar,
and oh, shit, there goes my big limbo

party.

Billy. Look, I went to the bar because I
was upset, okay? It wasn't a good idea,

but... All my ideas can't be good.
That's why you have a sponsor.

If you would have called me, I would
have taught you out of going to the bar.

That's why I didn't call you when you
think I am an idiot. Look, I didn't

It's over. The important thing is, do
you like my bang enough?

Breathe. Just breathe.

Billy, if you don't work the program, it
will not work for you.

I'm here, aren't I? That's not enough.

You think just going to meetings creates
some mysterious force field to protect

you from booze? No.

That's it?

So, how were the meetings in D .C.? Too
crowded.

Damn Kennedy's hogged up all the seats.

Ted Lone took up three.

Well, thank God you're back, man,
because that was a long time to be

sponsor. Look, are you going to whine or
are you going to show me your

assignment? You asked me to make a list
of all of my character defects.

Volume one.

I'm guessing low self -esteem is at the
top of the list. I knew I forgot

something. Low self -esteem.

And forgetfulness. Slow down.

Boy, this is heavy.

Thank you. No, I actually mean heavy as
in hernia.

But I'm glad to see you taking this
serious.

I wouldn't want you to slip.

Any one of my sponsees slip, I'll cut
them off a finger.

Eventually, they can't even pick up a
glass.

Doesn't that make it hard for them to
dial you when they want a drink?

Win -win situation, baby.

I'm not going to lose a finger. No, I'm
going to work this program.

And I'm going to pray. And I'm going to
write down every character defect as

soon as it comes up. And I'm going to be
of service to everybody. God, I wish

there was more than 12 steps.

Calm down.

Man, you're getting too worked up. Too
worked up. See, that's good to know. Too

worked up. Dave, put the pencil down.

Writes too much. And has sloppy
handwriting.

Dave, you've got to learn to meditate,
son.

Yeah. Find your inner peace.

Give me the fucking pencil.

Did you do the homework I gave you?

Writing a list of your character
defects?

Well, no, I didn't have to write it
because there's only two.

Number one, I'm short. Number two, I
don't look good in culottes, but then

does? So we'll take that off the list.
But since one really isn't a list, why

bother? Unless you don't like my bangs,
which you still have not commented on.

You know, Chad, for a sponsor, I don't
think you're very supportive.

Billy, you're not taking this seriously.

This step involves soul -searching.

So first, you need to go home and locate
your soul.

I can't even find the shirt that goes
with this skirt. How am I supposed to

my fucking soul?

I didn't say it would be easy.

Look for something small and dark.

Or a receipt.

Perhaps you sold it.

Well, I would have, but the devil isn't
as easy to summon as you think.

The one time I tried, I was drunk. I
drew a pentagram that looked more like

octagon, and all I could conjure up was
my dead geometry teacher. And although

she was a stern disciplinarian, she was
hardly Satan.

Be that as it may, I want you to go
home. I want you to write down your

character defects. Ask God to remove
them before I do. Through your throat.

Couldn't I just have them removed with a
laser?

If you can't get the baby to go to your
breast, do what I did last week with my

yoga instructor. Put cocaine on your
nipples. It works like a charm.

Of course, the baby will be up all
night, so you'll need a Quaalude.

No, for you, darling, so you can sleep
while the baby screams.

Hello? Oh, that's done it.

Mommy, I have to do this stupid
homework.

Did you help me?

Trying to finish high school.

Bravo, darling.

Never too late for a GED. I did finish
high school. You just don't remember

because you were drunk during the
graduation.

And most of my senior year, as I recall.

So you say, but I never saw a diploma.

It's in Dad's office.

Your father has an office.

Yes, it's where he goes to hide from
you. Anyway, this homework is for

Addictions Anonymous.

I'm supposed to make a list of my
character defects.

Oh, well, that's easy. You're short, for
which you can blame your father.

And you don't look good in culottes.
Nobody looks good in culottes. I do.

Oh. Plus, you procrastinate, you
overreact, you're promiscuous, not to

high school dropout. Well, I hope this
isn't due tomorrow.

Yes, perhaps it would be easier to write
down my virtues. For instance, I

haven't acted on my desire to stab you
with a fork.

That's one, and must be others.

My, this is a brain teaser. Oh, come on.

I have unusually small pores, I'm sober,
and I cut my own bangs.

You were sober when you did that?

Yes, and I could use some support.

Or maybe a hat.

Oh, now you want me to buy you a hat. A
good time between you and your sister

-in -law. I can't get any peace. I am
trying to recover from the birth.

You? I was the labor coach.

But I was the wind beneath your leaves,
darling. And everyone knows the wind

does all the work. The leaves, they just
stay there on the tree. But the wind

has to work very, very hard to get them
off the branch.

It is wings, Mother. The wind beneath
the wings. And I was the wings, which,

your information...

Do all the work. They're the ones that
go up and down, flapping constantly like

your mouth. Don't correct me. I
graduated from high school.

You want to dance?

Oh, we're supposed to be doing our
homework.

Come on, I am doing my homework. I am
doing an interpretive dance to help

express my character defects.

It's called the Dance of the Seventh.

Listen, Salome, this is a thinly veiled
attempt to distract me. It's not going

to work.

What about this?

Billy, quit it.

Come on.

You know, you've been working on volume
two of your character defects for the

last hour. How fucked up are you?

I'm with you, aren't I?

Not if you keep acting like that.

Well, you're not being a very good
influence.

Well, that's because I'm more used to
being under the... Which brings us to

homework. Come on, buckle down for 20
minutes. You'll get it done, that's all.

Okay. But I think you need to add no fun
to your list of defects.

No fun.

Thank you.

Do you watch TV while you're doing your
homework?

Helps me concentrate.

It does not help me. Me, me, me. Write
down selfish.

I have.

Look, here's an idea. Why don't you
concentrate on your defects?

But what if one of my character defects
is my inability to concentrate?

I found a loophole. What is wrong with
you? Nothing.

That's why I don't understand why I have
to write this stupid list.

I mean, I am sober.

Yeah, for now. You gotta work to stay
that way.

I don't even work at work. Now you want
me to work at home. Yes, I do.

Okay? Look, if you write down your
defects and pray to have them removed,

can get rid of them, thereby improving
your relationship to your higher power.

What? Did you love this Gap commercial?

Which is the only thing that's keeping
us sober and keeping me from smacking

right now. A Gap commercial is doing all
that?

Those clothes are versatile.

Going home.

Oh, come on. Come on. We're going to
study together.

Okay, you know what? I'll quiz you. I'll
quiz you on the big book. What's on

page 58?

Of your book?

Cobwebs.

Wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong,
honey. What's wrong is that our best

almost died and we almost drank.

We have to take that seriously.

And that means doing the step and
praying and doing your homework. And if

not willing to do all of those things,
then I just can't be around here.

Hey. Dave, listen, I've given it a lot
of thought, and I've decided to forgive

you for choosing your sobriety over me.

That's very big of you in a
pathologically self -centered kind of

Thanks.

Hey, speaking of character defects, can
I borrow your list?

No, what are you, nuts?

Oh, what did you put down?

It doesn't matter what I put down. You
can't borrow my list. My defects are

different from your defects.

Well, we're so similar. People can't
even tell us apart.

Yes, they can.

You know how? How? I'm the one with the
list.

Look.

It's the banged wonder and the one she
bangs.

Why don't we go over here, Chad, and
talk about our program so that we're not

disturbed by the house? Honey, you're
already disturbed.

I can't wait to see your character
defect list.

Okay.

Grumpy.

Bashful.

Dopey.

Doc.

That's a list of the seven dwarves. You
didn't even put any thought into your

life. Yes, I did.

Oh, shit.

Billy, you know what? I got better
things to do than drive down here and

list of Disney characters.

Oh, I did the homework, but 101
Dalmatians ate it.

You know what?

Somewhere in your self -absorbed little
world, you're very funny and everyone's

laughing. Well, let's just see how funny
it is when you start drinking again and

you get cirrhosis of the liver, like I
have. Does that sound funny?

Not the way you say it.

I mean, maybe if you had a squirting
flower and some floppy shoes and one of

those bicycle horns, then you'd be
cirrhosis the clone.

Do you know what, Lily? I can't do this
anymore.

Oh, what are you going to do, break up
with me? Yes.

You're fired.

I'm what?

You can't fire me. Yes, I can. Oh, no,
you can't. I don't work for you. That is

the point.

If you don't care about your sobriety,
why should I?

Well, someone has to. Fine.

Then let it be someone else. I got other
sponsees who want my help.

Hey, I've got news for you. No one likes
a cranky clown.

So that's why Chad's not my sponsor
anymore.

More avocado mask, Antonia.

How dare he imply that you're self
-obsessed?

I know.

Do you think I should get colored
contacts?

I thought you had them.

Are your eyes blue?

Yes, mine are blue and yours are red.

Oh, how patriotic.

Oh, Antonia, I'm starving.

You know, in a way, a sponsor is like a
maid.

In what way?

They both keep you clean.

No, you should do what I do when I need
to get a new maid.

What, bring one back from Cabo in your
suitcase?

No, interview.

I interviewed scads of small brown women
before I bought Antonia.

Interview?

That's a really good idea.

Do you smell onions?

I thought that was you.

Mommy, this isn't avocado mask, it's
guacamole.

Antonia, you ridiculous gremlin! You're
supposed to make a beauty product, not

an appetizer. Quickly, get some towels.

And some chips!

I got my license back.

It's the first time that I've driven
since my last DUI.

And boy, it's really weird driving
without drinking.

It made me dizzy.

Oh!

Okay, I'm done.

Okay. Anybody else want to share? Billy?

Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Billy.

I've got some good news and some bad
news.

The bad news is I had to let Chad go.

But the good news is one of you lucky
people might get to be my new sponsor.

So I'm holding auditions after the
meeting in the coffee shop. Good luck,

may the best woman or gay man win.

Billy. Milt.

I didn't expect you because, honestly, I
didn't know you were gay.

Although now that I think about it,
there were the obvious signs. All those

years in the military. But, you know,
don't ask, don't tell.

I'm not gay.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry then. I don't know how
to tell you this, but you can't be my

sponsor. I don't know how to tell you
this, but I don't want to.

All I wanted was some sweet and low.

You know, a real man would use sugar.

Mother, I tried what you suggested and
no one even showed up. I cannot get a

sponsor. The problem is obvious. They're
intimidated by your... Charm?

Fine.

I'm not here.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Tish.

No, no, she's out.

What do you do when a baby cries?

Turn up the radio?

I was just trying to be helpful.

I know, darling. She's my ungrateful
twat.

I know how I can help you.

Is this a trick? No, no, not this time.
I can be your sponsor.

What do they do?

They help you not to drink. Well, I can
do that.

Just call me over whenever you feel like
drinking and I'll do it for you.

Oh, mother. You have to be sober to be a
sponsor.

Well, that's me out then.

Darling, don't worry. You'll find one.
Remember what I've always told you.

Daddy doesn't know he had a vasectomy?
No, no, the other thing.

Never be alone in a room with Grandpa?

No, but that's damn good advice.

I've always told you that you are not a
quitter.

So now do you know what it is you have
to do?

I think we've established I'm not good
at guessing the right answer. You need

go on looking for a sponsor. You've
given up too easily. If there's one

you're known for, it's your refusal to
quit.

Hence my raging alcohol problem.
Exactly, and you remember how you went

auditioning years after Hollywood
dismissed you. Another person with an

self -respect would have quit.

You're right.

I'm no stranger to rejection.

In fact, we're close personal friends.

You know what? I'm going to find a
sponsor if it kills me.

Bravo! Because wherever there are people
shaking their heads and saying, no, we

hate you, I'll be there.

And wherever there are people pointing
and laughing, I'll be there. And

there are people snickering and making
faces behind my back, I'll be there.

Thanks, Mommy.

Guys,

look, this is a program of commitment.
We're supposed to be of serviceability,

and she's great.

Well, if she's so great, then why did
Chad fire her?

He fired her because he couldn't take
her greatness.

Works for me. I can't take her greatness
either.

Okay. Look, it's not a job for
everybody. You have to have a special...

be abused.

Look, I have that, but I still want to
sponsor her.

No, I'm not going to do it.

She rolls her eyes every time I open my
mouth. She even told me I talk too much

once. It was about three months ago.

I remember because I was wearing a size
six, which is a real feat for me because

I usually wear a size eight, unless I'm
binging and purging. There's always the

laxative, but that can be such an
awkward... Billy's not that bad. She's

know. I know she's got a crusty outer
layer, but inside she's soft and warm

gooey.

Do you want us to sponsor her or finger
fuck her?

Both, if I can watch it. Ew! No, no, no,
little program humor.

Little program humor. I did not mean to
scare you off.

Or out you, apparently.

Yes. She needs a sponsor, okay?

I think the three of you would be
honored to do it, and I know it's not

we're going to draw straws.

Wow, even though I was so popular.

Loser gets to be her sponsor.

No way.

I'd rather use a straw to drink.

Hi, Chad.

Hello.

Look, I hate eating crow, but it's not
so bad once you get used to it.

He's like chicken.

I wouldn't know. I'm a vegetarian.

Right. Right, I remember you telling me
that.

Sort of.

Anyway, I've given it a lot of thought,
and perhaps we were a bit hasty,

because, you know, despite all my other
choices, I really believe that you are

the best sponsor out there.

No one else wanted you?

They were fleeing the center like rats
from the Titanic.

So, to woo you back, I got you this cap
pen.

Thank you.

I appreciate the gesture.

Kind of.

Do you know what, Billy?

All I ever wanted was for you to work
the program.

Yeah, but look, I did it. I did my
homework. Three whole pages of character

defects.

One of which is...

Choking about serious things.

Like your psoriasis.

Psorosis, but keep going.

Yeah, well, another one is not admitting
when I'm wrong.

So true.

And being self -centered.

I admit, that is my biggest flaw.

You'd think I'd have noticed it earlier
since I'm the only one I pay attention

to. Stop it.

You're going to make me cry.

So does that mean you'll take me back?

Quicker than I'll take this back to the
store.

Yes!

What? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. What? What is
it? It's my transplant beeper.

Someone's brain dead and I'm getting
their liver.

It's a dream come true.

Wait, what about my homework?

Oh, well, I can't think of that now.

There's a liver in an ice chest with my
name on it. Well, good luck. I hope it's

not rejected because I know how
difficult that can be.

What's wrong?

Chad's getting his liver.

And that would be bad because... Because
no one wants to sponsor me.

Oh, honey, that's not true. It's not.
There was three women fighting over you

last night. They had to draw straws.

What's that for?

For caring enough to lie to me.

I wish all women felt like that.

I wish all men felt like this.

I know what we should do. What?

It's something we should have done last
night.

Here?

If it makes you feel more comfortable,
we'll go behind the counter.

Oh, I'm in your hands.

Well, not yet, but soon, I hope.

We've both got to get on our knees.

Both of us? Of course.

Well, now I'm intrigued.

I can't tell you what this means to me.

You can show me.

Dear God,

We pray that our friend Chad comes
through his operation successfully, if

your will.

And we thank you for getting us through
another day sober.

Amen.

Yeah, yeah, what he said.