Original subtitles

Where will I find

someone who understands?

From where will the...

Hideous, watching that baby come out. So many other things came out as well.

It was like a piñata, a vagina piñata.

Piñata? No, no, don't get any ideas.

I don't want any gum. I want a foot

massager, El Massagio Fito.

Oh, God, the things I had to endure listening to that squealing hillbilly.

It was like a scene from Deliverance. Oh, we need it with a mongoloid in the

corner playing a banjo.

Maybe Ned Beatty.

Poor man.

Hello? Hello, Tish.

Darling,

of course the baby cries.

Has to cry, part of growing up, darling. Soon he'll be walking and talking and

stealing Valium from your purse.

Look,

darling, I would love to come over and help, but I absolutely refuse to become

one of those interfering grandmothers. In fact, to make sure that I don't start

intruding, I'm hanging up right now.

Hey, how was your weekend?

Well, I delivered a baby, brought Jackie out of a coma, reconciled her with her

deadhead mother, and still had time to cut my bangs.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Nothing. I just took a pair of scissors and went like this. No, no, no. What

happened to Jackie?

You didn't hear? No. She OD'd. This time she went into a coma. It was so scary,

Chad. Is she going to be okay?

Yeah, I talked to her this morning.

She's in rehab again.

Well, I guess you could call it re -rehab. Or, in her case, re -re -re -re

-re, all the way home.

Okay. Quiet down, people.

We're running late.

Hi, baby.

Okay, come on.

Hey, we gotta get started. Let's quiet down.

Hey! Shut the fuck up!

Hi. My name is Milt, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Milt.

Now, I recently celebrated 20 years of sobriety by taking a little trip. I went

to Washington, D .C. to visit the Vietnam War Memorial, and I was moved.

That is, until I saw my name on the wall. I mean, I know I had done a lot of

drinking and drugging in Nam, and I don't remember everything, but I was

sure I didn't die over there, so I proceeded to scratch my name off the

Now, amusingly enough, I wasn't the only Milt Johnson in Vietnam. Or at the wall

that day. It seems a certain Milt Johnson Sr.

had come to pay his respects, and when that old man saw me scratching his dead

son's name off the wall, He proceeded to take his cane and beat the shit out of

me.

All right, anybody else want to share?

Hi,

my name is Dave. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Dave.

As some of you may know, Jackie OD'd over the weekend. She almost died, but

she's at the Hollywood Recovery House.

Yeah. And, you know, because Hallmark doesn't make a card that says

congratulations on coming out of a coma, I made one myself.

Pass it around if you want to sign it.

Hope you have a great withdrawal.

We're here for you as soon as you're allowed to call.

At least I can do, because I completely failed to notice that she had

slept.

How unperceptive does a person have to be to not notice that their best friend

is shooting up heroin in their apartment?

You know. What is wrong with me?

He's self -absorbed.

That's from the queen of self -absorption.

You are a human bounty towel.

Flame off, Chad. I didn't notice that Jackie was in trouble until I found her

the floor because I was totally self -involved.

I was too busy watching the Dave show.

I'm the best thing in that show.

Then in the hospital, when we're waiting to hear if my best friend was going to

live or die, all I could think about was how bad that made me feel.

You know, tonight on the Dave show, Dave...

Rerun.

Next thing I know, a friend of mine and I are in a bar.

Because we were so upset about Jackie's slip that we almost flipped. Yeah, but

we didn't.

What?

Are my bangs uneven?

I just feel like it's all a big house of cards.

If one of us goes down, we're all going to go down.

So I'm here to tell you that I'm committed to working this program

noon, and night.

Because I'm not going to go down.

Except on me, because I didn't wax for nothing.

I can't believe you went to a bar without asking me first. Why would I?

don't drink.

And anyway, it wasn't a gay bar.

Stop kidding around. The last place you should be is at a bar. Oh, really? Bars

are bad. Well, there go salad bars and chocolate bars, and guess I can't be a

lawyer because I'd have to take the bar, and oh, shit, there goes my big limbo

party.

Billy. Look, I went to the bar because I was upset, okay? It wasn't a good idea,

but... All my ideas can't be good. That's why you have a sponsor.

If you would have called me, I would have taught you out of going to the bar.

That's why I didn't call you when you think I am an idiot. Look, I didn't

It's over. The important thing is, do you like my bang enough?

Breathe. Just breathe.

Billy, if you don't work the program, it will not work for you.

I'm here, aren't I? That's not enough.

You think just going to meetings creates some mysterious force field to protect

you from booze? No.

That's it?

So, how were the meetings in D .C.? Too crowded.

Damn Kennedy's hogged up all the seats.

Ted Lone took up three.

Well, thank God you're back, man, because that was a long time to be

sponsor. Look, are you going to whine or are you going to show me your

assignment? You asked me to make a list of all of my character defects.

Volume one.

I'm guessing low self -esteem is at the top of the list. I knew I forgot

something. Low self -esteem.

And forgetfulness. Slow down.

Boy, this is heavy.

Thank you. No, I actually mean heavy as in hernia.

But I'm glad to see you taking this serious.

I wouldn't want you to slip.

Any one of my sponsees slip, I'll cut them off a finger.

Eventually, they can't even pick up a glass.

Doesn't that make it hard for them to dial you when they want a drink?

Win -win situation, baby.

I'm not going to lose a finger. No, I'm going to work this program.

And I'm going to pray. And I'm going to write down every character defect as

soon as it comes up. And I'm going to be of service to everybody. God, I wish

there was more than 12 steps.

Calm down.

Man, you're getting too worked up. Too worked up. See, that's good to know. Too

worked up. Dave, put the pencil down.

Writes too much. And has sloppy handwriting.

Dave, you've got to learn to meditate, son.

Yeah. Find your inner peace.

Give me the fucking pencil.

Did you do the homework I gave you?

Writing a list of your character defects?

Well, no, I didn't have to write it because there's only two.

Number one, I'm short. Number two, I don't look good in culottes, but then

does? So we'll take that off the list. But since one really isn't a list, why

bother? Unless you don't like my bangs, which you still have not commented on.

You know, Chad, for a sponsor, I don't think you're very supportive.

Billy, you're not taking this seriously.

This step involves soul -searching.

So first, you need to go home and locate your soul.

I can't even find the shirt that goes with this skirt. How am I supposed to

my fucking soul?

I didn't say it would be easy.

Look for something small and dark.

Or a receipt.

Perhaps you sold it.

Well, I would have, but the devil isn't as easy to summon as you think.

The one time I tried, I was drunk. I drew a pentagram that looked more like

octagon, and all I could conjure up was my dead geometry teacher. And although

she was a stern disciplinarian, she was hardly Satan.

Be that as it may, I want you to go home. I want you to write down your

character defects. Ask God to remove them before I do. Through your throat.

Couldn't I just have them removed with a laser?

If you can't get the baby to go to your breast, do what I did last week with my

yoga instructor. Put cocaine on your nipples. It works like a charm.

Of course, the baby will be up all night, so you'll need a Quaalude.

No, for you, darling, so you can sleep while the baby screams.

Hello? Oh, that's done it.

Mommy, I have to do this stupid homework.

Did you help me?

Trying to finish high school.

Bravo, darling.

Never too late for a GED. I did finish high school. You just don't remember

because you were drunk during the graduation.

And most of my senior year, as I recall.

So you say, but I never saw a diploma.

It's in Dad's office.

Your father has an office.

Yes, it's where he goes to hide from you. Anyway, this homework is for

Addictions Anonymous.

I'm supposed to make a list of my character defects.

Oh, well, that's easy. You're short, for which you can blame your father.

And you don't look good in culottes. Nobody looks good in culottes. I do.

Oh. Plus, you procrastinate, you overreact, you're promiscuous, not to

high school dropout. Well, I hope this isn't due tomorrow.

Yes, perhaps it would be easier to write down my virtues. For instance, I

haven't acted on my desire to stab you with a fork.

That's one, and must be others.

My, this is a brain teaser. Oh, come on.

I have unusually small pores, I'm sober, and I cut my own bangs.

You were sober when you did that?

Yes, and I could use some support.

Or maybe a hat.

Oh, now you want me to buy you a hat. A good time between you and your sister

-in -law. I can't get any peace. I am trying to recover from the birth.

You? I was the labor coach.

But I was the wind beneath your leaves, darling. And everyone knows the wind

does all the work. The leaves, they just stay there on the tree. But the wind

has to work very, very hard to get them off the branch.

It is wings, Mother. The wind beneath the wings. And I was the wings, which,

your information...

Do all the work. They're the ones that go up and down, flapping constantly like

your mouth. Don't correct me. I graduated from high school.

You want to dance?

Oh, we're supposed to be doing our homework.

Come on, I am doing my homework. I am doing an interpretive dance to help

express my character defects.

It's called the Dance of the Seventh.

Listen, Salome, this is a thinly veiled attempt to distract me. It's not going

to work.

What about this?

Billy, quit it.

Come on.

You know, you've been working on volume two of your character defects for the

last hour. How fucked up are you?

I'm with you, aren't I?

Not if you keep acting like that.

Well, you're not being a very good influence.

Well, that's because I'm more used to being under the... Which brings us to

homework. Come on, buckle down for 20 minutes. You'll get it done, that's all.

Okay. But I think you need to add no fun to your list of defects.

No fun.

Thank you.

Do you watch TV while you're doing your homework?

Helps me concentrate.

It does not help me. Me, me, me. Write down selfish.

I have.

Look, here's an idea. Why don't you concentrate on your defects?

But what if one of my character defects is my inability to concentrate?

I found a loophole. What is wrong with you? Nothing.

That's why I don't understand why I have to write this stupid list.

I mean, I am sober.

Yeah, for now. You gotta work to stay that way.

I don't even work at work. Now you want me to work at home. Yes, I do.

Okay? Look, if you write down your defects and pray to have them removed,

can get rid of them, thereby improving your relationship to your higher power.

What? Did you love this Gap commercial?

Which is the only thing that's keeping us sober and keeping me from smacking

right now. A Gap commercial is doing all that?

Those clothes are versatile.

Going home.

Oh, come on. Come on. We're going to study together.

Okay, you know what? I'll quiz you. I'll quiz you on the big book. What's on

page 58?

Of your book?

Cobwebs.

Wrong. I'll tell you what's wrong, honey. What's wrong is that our best

almost died and we almost drank.

We have to take that seriously.

And that means doing the step and praying and doing your homework. And if

not willing to do all of those things, then I just can't be around here.

Hey. Dave, listen, I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided to forgive

you for choosing your sobriety over me.

That's very big of you in a pathologically self -centered kind of

Thanks.

Hey, speaking of character defects, can I borrow your list?

No, what are you, nuts?

Oh, what did you put down?

It doesn't matter what I put down. You can't borrow my list. My defects are

different from your defects.

Well, we're so similar. People can't even tell us apart.

Yes, they can.

You know how? How? I'm the one with the list.

Look.

It's the banged wonder and the one she bangs.

Why don't we go over here, Chad, and talk about our program so that we're not

disturbed by the house? Honey, you're already disturbed.

I can't wait to see your character defect list.

Okay.

Grumpy.

Bashful.

Dopey.

Doc.

That's a list of the seven dwarves. You didn't even put any thought into your

life. Yes, I did.

Oh, shit.

Billy, you know what? I got better things to do than drive down here and

list of Disney characters.

Oh, I did the homework, but 101 Dalmatians ate it.

You know what?

Somewhere in your self -absorbed little world, you're very funny and everyone's

laughing. Well, let's just see how funny it is when you start drinking again and

you get cirrhosis of the liver, like I have. Does that sound funny?

Not the way you say it.

I mean, maybe if you had a squirting flower and some floppy shoes and one of

those bicycle horns, then you'd be cirrhosis the clone.

Do you know what, Lily? I can't do this anymore.

Oh, what are you going to do, break up with me? Yes.

You're fired.

I'm what?

You can't fire me. Yes, I can. Oh, no, you can't. I don't work for you. That is

the point.

If you don't care about your sobriety, why should I?

Well, someone has to. Fine.

Then let it be someone else. I got other sponsees who want my help.

Hey, I've got news for you. No one likes a cranky clown.

So that's why Chad's not my sponsor anymore.

More avocado mask, Antonia.

How dare he imply that you're self -obsessed?

I know.

Do you think I should get colored contacts?

I thought you had them.

Are your eyes blue?

Yes, mine are blue and yours are red.

Oh, how patriotic.

Oh, Antonia, I'm starving.

You know, in a way, a sponsor is like a maid.

In what way?

They both keep you clean.

No, you should do what I do when I need to get a new maid.

What, bring one back from Cabo in your suitcase?

No, interview.

I interviewed scads of small brown women before I bought Antonia.

Interview?

That's a really good idea.

Do you smell onions?

I thought that was you.

Mommy, this isn't avocado mask, it's guacamole.

Antonia, you ridiculous gremlin! You're supposed to make a beauty product, not

an appetizer. Quickly, get some towels.

And some chips!

I got my license back.

It's the first time that I've driven since my last DUI.

And boy, it's really weird driving without drinking.

It made me dizzy.

Oh!

Okay, I'm done.

Okay. Anybody else want to share? Billy?

Hi, I'm Billy, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Billy.

I've got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is I had to let Chad go.

But the good news is one of you lucky people might get to be my new sponsor.

So I'm holding auditions after the meeting in the coffee shop. Good luck,

may the best woman or gay man win.

Billy. Milt.

I didn't expect you because, honestly, I didn't know you were gay.

Although now that I think about it, there were the obvious signs. All those

years in the military. But, you know, don't ask, don't tell.

I'm not gay.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry then. I don't know how to tell you this, but you can't be my

sponsor. I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't want to.

All I wanted was some sweet and low.

You know, a real man would use sugar.

Mother, I tried what you suggested and no one even showed up. I cannot get a

sponsor. The problem is obvious. They're intimidated by your... Charm?

Fine.

I'm not here.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Tish.

No, no, she's out.

What do you do when a baby cries?

Turn up the radio?

I was just trying to be helpful.

I know, darling. She's my ungrateful twat.

I know how I can help you.

Is this a trick? No, no, not this time. I can be your sponsor.

What do they do?

They help you not to drink. Well, I can do that.

Just call me over whenever you feel like drinking and I'll do it for you.

Oh, mother. You have to be sober to be a sponsor.

Well, that's me out then.

Darling, don't worry. You'll find one. Remember what I've always told you.

Daddy doesn't know he had a vasectomy? No, no, the other thing.

Never be alone in a room with Grandpa?

No, but that's damn good advice.

I've always told you that you are not a quitter.

So now do you know what it is you have to do?

I think we've established I'm not good at guessing the right answer. You need

go on looking for a sponsor. You've given up too easily. If there's one

you're known for, it's your refusal to quit.

Hence my raging alcohol problem. Exactly, and you remember how you went

auditioning years after Hollywood dismissed you. Another person with an

self -respect would have quit.

You're right.

I'm no stranger to rejection.

In fact, we're close personal friends.

You know what? I'm going to find a sponsor if it kills me.

Bravo! Because wherever there are people shaking their heads and saying, no, we

hate you, I'll be there.

And wherever there are people pointing and laughing, I'll be there. And

there are people snickering and making faces behind my back, I'll be there.

Thanks, Mommy.

Guys,

look, this is a program of commitment. We're supposed to be of serviceability,

and she's great.

Well, if she's so great, then why did Chad fire her?

He fired her because he couldn't take her greatness.

Works for me. I can't take her greatness either.

Okay. Look, it's not a job for everybody. You have to have a special...

be abused.

Look, I have that, but I still want to sponsor her.

No, I'm not going to do it.

She rolls her eyes every time I open my mouth. She even told me I talk too much

once. It was about three months ago.

I remember because I was wearing a size six, which is a real feat for me because

I usually wear a size eight, unless I'm binging and purging. There's always the

laxative, but that can be such an awkward... Billy's not that bad. She's

know. I know she's got a crusty outer layer, but inside she's soft and warm

gooey.

Do you want us to sponsor her or finger fuck her?

Both, if I can watch it. Ew! No, no, no, little program humor.

Little program humor. I did not mean to scare you off.

Or out you, apparently.

Yes. She needs a sponsor, okay?

I think the three of you would be honored to do it, and I know it's not

we're going to draw straws.

Wow, even though I was so popular.

Loser gets to be her sponsor.

No way.

I'd rather use a straw to drink.

Hi, Chad.

Hello.

Look, I hate eating crow, but it's not so bad once you get used to it.

He's like chicken.

I wouldn't know. I'm a vegetarian.

Right. Right, I remember you telling me that.

Sort of.

Anyway, I've given it a lot of thought, and perhaps we were a bit hasty,

because, you know, despite all my other choices, I really believe that you are

the best sponsor out there.

No one else wanted you?

They were fleeing the center like rats from the Titanic.

So, to woo you back, I got you this cap pen.

Thank you.

I appreciate the gesture.

Kind of.

Do you know what, Billy?

All I ever wanted was for you to work the program.

Yeah, but look, I did it. I did my homework. Three whole pages of character

defects.

One of which is...

Choking about serious things.

Like your psoriasis.

Psorosis, but keep going.

Yeah, well, another one is not admitting when I'm wrong.

So true.

And being self -centered.

I admit, that is my biggest flaw.

You'd think I'd have noticed it earlier since I'm the only one I pay attention

to. Stop it.

You're going to make me cry.

So does that mean you'll take me back?

Quicker than I'll take this back to the store.

Yes!

What? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. What? What is it? It's my transplant beeper.

Someone's brain dead and I'm getting their liver.

It's a dream come true.

Wait, what about my homework?

Oh, well, I can't think of that now.

There's a liver in an ice chest with my name on it. Well, good luck. I hope it's

not rejected because I know how difficult that can be.

What's wrong?

Chad's getting his liver.

And that would be bad because... Because no one wants to sponsor me.

Oh, honey, that's not true. It's not. There was three women fighting over you

last night. They had to draw straws.

What's that for?

For caring enough to lie to me.

I wish all women felt like that.

I wish all men felt like this.

I know what we should do. What?

It's something we should have done last night.

Here?

If it makes you feel more comfortable, we'll go behind the counter.

Oh, I'm in your hands.

Well, not yet, but soon, I hope.

We've both got to get on our knees.

Both of us? Of course.

Well, now I'm intrigued.

I can't tell you what this means to me.

You can show me.

Dear God,

We pray that our friend Chad comes through his operation successfully, if

your will.

And we thank you for getting us through another day sober.

Amen.

Yeah, yeah, what he said.