Original subtitles

Julie, would you do me a favour?

Well, what exactly?

Go out with me one night.

That's all.

Nothing else. And the deal is, I've got to act normal. You've got to teach me

how to act normal.

I've been worrying myself to death about this. I can hardly sleep.

I just keep weighing it all up.

Where he gets to for days on end.

All the dumb excuses. All the rumours I keep hearing.

But I'm just being stupid and paranoid, aren't I?

Nope. He's cheating on you.

Gotta go, Julie.

Wait, hang on.

What are you saying?

You wanted my opinion.

I didn't want that one.

Trust me, Julie. He cheats. He can't stop himself.

He chats up anything with a face.

You don't...

Don't I? He asked me out.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I'm your friend.

And I think you ought to know what kind of guy you're involved with.

Which is the kind of guy, Julie, who asks out your best friend.

Right, yeah.

I appreciate you telling me, Linda, I do.

If it's any comfort, we had a lousy time.

What?

I had a gap in my schedule. Was I supposed to say no?

Oh, he's perfectly happy. I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

Happy? Absolutely.

Never suspected a thing.

I can't believe you've done this to me, Linda. We're supposed to be friends.

We are.

Then how could you have done this, knowing how I feel?

Well, I was planning to lie, obviously.

You really are completely amoral, aren't you? Is that bad?

Know what?

Men are scum.

Any particular reason you were lying through your teeth?

I don't like her boyfriend.

No brain, lots of neck muscles.

Right.

And he's lousy, Dave.

Joke, right? The main point is, Julie is now emotionally vulnerable and close to

being romantically unattacked.

Colin's at least in with a shot.

Coming! Act normal, say nothing dumb, don't make her uncomfortable.

Yeah. Sorry, I'm not dressed.

No problem, neither am I.

I mean, no, sorry.

I definitely am dressed.

Got confused.

So is that the date over now?

I've just got to have a shower.

Do you want to come in?

Great, yeah.

Though I'm actually pretty clean already.

I wasn't inviting you into the shower, Colin.

Wait, hang on.

Let's just get the rules straight, OK?

I do not find you particularly attractive.

In fact, I find you particularly unattractive.

In fact, Colin, of all the people I find particularly unattractive, you are my

least favourite.

And you're not looking your best tonight.

Am I making myself clear?

Right, yeah.

If you attempt any form of come on this evening or make any sort of suggestive

remark, I will end your life in the most disgusting manner possible.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

I just want us to be friends.

Friends? Don't make me kill you.

I'll be as quick as I can. Have a seat.

Right, yeah.

I'll... No,

you don't.

Bad girl.

She's after the dove.

Just don't let her back in here while the bird's out, OK? Most homicidal cat

I've ever owned.

Stay, Linda.

Oh, we're behind already. I'd better skip the shower. Back in a moment, OK?

Yeah, sure.

Please no stay.

I'm sorry.

I've been giving you a really hard time and you don't deserve it.

Today's been lousy, not your fault.

Guy trouble.

Or me trouble.

I seem to be completely unable to form a healthy relationship with another human

being.

I suppose that's why I need my pets.

Look, I'm really sorry, OK?

Sorry?

I just thought I'd open the window for a moment and it flew out.

Oh, no!

Also, your goldfish.

My goldfish?

Yes.

It escaped.

Escaped?

You left the lid off.

How could it escape, Colin? It's a fish!

Right, exactly.

It must have been out of its mind.

Colin, we have...

Goldfish? Goldfish don't escape.

You don't see them flopping along the pavement, dragging their bowls off in

search of the ocean. It just doesn't happen.

And another thing, Colin, and trust me on this, they can't fly.

Incidentally, neither can cats.

We're not talking about cats.

You think the bird flew out of the window and the cat just sort of followed

and the goldfish got such a fright it leapt up. Well,

I was trying to catch the cat and I knocked over the table.

I can't believe this. I can't take it in.

I leave you alone for one minute.

No, I'm sorry.

I mean three pets in one minute.

It's not the best way to start the evening.

Tell it to my cat.

How do you think I feel? I was trying to act all nice and normal and suddenly

everything's dead.

It's like that school zoo trip all over again.

Well, I can see you're upset.

You want me to come back tomorrow night? Colin, please, no.

I'm babysitting.

All right, yes.

I think you should just go, actually. I think you should just get out.

Look, I... Just go, OK? Please.

I mean it.

I didn't do it on purpose.

What do you think I am? I had a reason for opening that window, a good one, if

you'll just listen.

OK, tell me.

Tell me your good reason.

What did you kill my pets for?

£100.

Wait, listen, there was a £100 note sticking to your window.

You expect me to believe that?

I was just trying to get it inside.

Out!

Julie?

Julie, quickly, out of here.

Go away, Colin.

No, come on, look at this.

What? Just come and see.

See? It's safe. Isn't it amazing? Thank God, eh?

Just you relax out there, OK?

We'll get you out of that nasty bird's beak before you know.

Look, there's something written on the money.

Yeah, right.

Why would anyone do that?

Some people are just sick.

Tal Winning Street.

Six o 'clock.

Hey, look!

I guess we're both upset.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's horrible.

Hey.

Come on.

We don't know she's eaten it.

Probably too full of your bird.

Get out there and find my dove.

Julie, I can't fly.

Prove it.

Right, OK, we go out and look for it. I'm with you that far.

But would you consider the lift?

I'll get my coat.

And you could maybe leave your window open, you know, so your cat can get back

in. She'll have eaten me £100 by now, Colin.

But I'll be happy to mail you the contents of her litter tray.

Oh, that's such you, doesn't it?

Cow winning street.

Listen, just thinking, maybe we ought to split up to look, yeah?

Yeah, good idea.

Right.

Great.

Get to the point.

Linda, I think I'm onto something big. If I need a photographer later on, is

Kevin around?

Probably.

I thought you and Colin were on a date.

Get real.

He killed my goldfish.

Hi, is Linda there?

I'll talk to you later.

Colin on line two.

Yeah, what?

You know that slight finance situation we talked about? I think I may know

to find the cash.

not be the street that was mentioned on that £100 note. Yes, Colin, and that's

why we both came here. We can stop playing dumb now.

Speak for yourself.

Look.

What if it's a bomb or something? Oh, don't be stupid.

Don't try to save yourself!

Colin, I saw it. It's a pager. It doesn't explode. It receives messages.

Well...

Sure, right. I was just worried there might be some bad language.

Jake's cafe to clock.

You'll be met.

Are you sure this is such a good idea? Trust me, I know the underworld of this

city like the back of my head.

Hands. Huh?

You know the underworld of this city like the back of your hand.

That'd be a bit tough, wouldn't it?

Table for two?

Sure, yes.

Are you the guy?

Yes. And she's the girl.

I'm rather hurt you had to ask, actually.

Are you the guy?

Oh, no, we... Yes.

No.

Well, I am. She's not.

Well, we weren't sure who you were talking to.

Work on that eye contact thing.

You don't look much like the photo you sent.

This is your picture.

Oh, yeah.

That's mine, all right.

It's of my Uncle Ralph.

It's my most recent photograph.

Oh, now I see what you meant.

Wait over here, OK?

Right, sure.

Are you out of your mind? We don't know what we're getting into.

How else are we going to find out? And what if the guy who was supposed to be

here turns up? He could have got the message before he lost the pager. Have

considered that?

No, I haven't. Right, exactly.

You're not up to this, Colin.

Why are you so convinced I'm stupid?

Has it occurred to you that if he'd already got the message, the pager

still be bleeping?

All right.

Yeah.

And I don't think you're stupid.

Yes, you do.

I truly don't, Colin. I just...

You know, I just... You just don't like me. Exactly.

I mean, no.

OK, has it occurred to you why there was an address written on that £100 note?

Why? Well, I'm just guessing.

Suppose one guy gives another guy a whole pile of cash for some reason.

he just scribbles the address of the handover place on the top note in the

bundle.

And I never said I didn't like you.

So what about the pager?

Well, presumably the guy's been paid to do something.

He gets his first payment and waits for instructions.

So where is he now?

And how come he lost his pager? Kind of the big question, isn't it?

If you like me, how come you always carry a police whistle whenever I'm

three feet?

Don't you think I get sick of women doing that? Look, I only said I didn't

you attractive.

There's no reflection on you. I've just got very high standards.

Yeah, I can imagine your high standards.

About six foot eight, all muscles and teeth, neck like a tree stump.

Great bone structure, especially in his head.

Probably a manual labourer.

Chest hair.

I'm only making him up.

You're good.

It's what chance for someone like me.

Who knows?

Make up another one, Colin.

This is thick.

Excuse me.

He's through the back.

Right, yeah.

Roundabout way of doing business.

The way everyone's doing their own business.

Crap.

Just in.

That was the deal.

Oh, fine, right.

No, wait, I... I've got a call I want to make anyway.

Come on, then.

You coming or what?

Right, sure.

So, uh, what now?

Here he is.

You sure you're up to this?

You seem a bit small.

Well, I... Oh, no. Not my problem.

Now, come on.

Right. He's all yours.

He'll come round shortly.

We flipped him something a couple of hours ago.

Leave by the back door.

OK.

Listen, actually, I... Good luck.

You want what?

Just the name of our contact at the local police station. What's the big

OK. Exactly what has Colin done?

Well, not again.

John, his arm fell on me. He's done me harm. He's hit me on the face. Look,

cut my lip there.

I can't stress it enough. If any member of the public should see him, they must

keep well away.

This is a man of tremendous physical strength and an explosive temper.

On no account must he be approached.

Do you have any ideas what might have motivated him to do that?

No, there just seemed to be anyone who annoyed him.

And now, thanks to this... There, there.

There, there.

All better now.

Good boy.

Goodbye, baby.

On she's off.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

This guy's just beaten up most of Norbridge.

And I thought I was hung up on bad guys. Shh.

Wake him.

I've seen you this caring.

Look, listen.

She just brought me back here and just cucked me to him. And he's wanted by the

police resort.

Good boy.

Good boy.

He's kind of cute, actually.

Well, we're not keeping him.

Okay. Let's stay calm and think. Let's be logical.

Julie, a psychopath is about to wake up and find his head in my lap.

I don't want logic. I want a half break.

I just found out what happened to our guy with the pager.

There was a mugging in Tower Winning Street tonight. He's in hospital.

Who are you?

Um, I'm Julie.

Who are you?

Ed.

Hi, Ed.

Hi, Julie.

So, Ed, I hear you've been, um...

Causing quite a stir.

He certainly has.

Those guys had it coming.

What guys?

You know if you were who you were supposed to be.

You're not, are you?

What guys? You don't know what you've let yourself in for.

Tell me. Tell her.

Some guys gave me some trouble a few days back.

A whole gang of bikers.

So I gave them some trouble back.

He went round them one by one and beat hell out of them. Now they're a bit

upset. Now they're in a pack, hunting him down. They'll kill him.

I can handle it.

What was that?

So, somebody was hired to get Ed out of town against his will, right? He's got a

rich dad.

So, who the hell are you?

I'd like to see the guy who can get me out of town.

Police? Yes, please.

They're here.

You've got to go.

No way.

I can deal with this.

Yeah, right. I bet you can.

Listen, I don't want to be any kind of a burden here, so why don't we just get

handcuffed and I'll leave you to it?

I just put the key in the post.

Huh? To Edinburgh.

It's where he was supposed to be taken.

OK. Listen, why don't I just stick an idea in your interface and see if the

salutes it?

Why don't we run away?

Because we can't. What are you talking about? We've got four legs.

OK.

Let's do this.

Can I just have a minute to hack my hand off at the wrist?

Ed, they'll cut you to pieces. Ed, pieces, huh? Listen, can I just go to

toilet? I don't want to cry my star by having to leave in the middle. Julie!

these guys?

Well, we may have done a little bit in either some time or another. It's hard

keep track.

Do you remember that warehouse fire?

Yes, thank you. That'll be all.

These people are your friends?

Well, in a remote sort of a way.

Barely passing acquaintances, really.

Is this guy a friend of yours?

Well, sort of.

What a fit.

We can't touch him.

Come on, lads.

Sorry, Ed. You should just have mentioned Colin.

It'd have been no trouble.

Oi. Oi.

See? I told you I could handle it.

Actually, you were really brave.

You were ready to tackle all those guys on your own.

Well, you know.

I was impressed.

Listen, you want to go for a drink sometime?

Well, I'm free right now.

Great.

Well, Colin, you don't mind, do you?

Well, not that.

Oh,

right. Well, I suppose you can come too.

Do you know somewhere good?

Just on the corner.

Great.

And the really bad part was when they were saying goodnight.

They made me stand looking the other way for three quarters of an hour.

Until Julia remembered she had a hacksaw.

Should have seen her go at it. Like a woman possessed.

Sorry, Colin.

I actually thought it might work out.

Yeah, well.

Don't let it get to you. She has weird taste in men.

Just look weird enough, eh?

This is undoubtedly, unquestionably, the most dumped on it is possible for a

human being to feel.