Original subtitles

you know a lot of people ask me how i can run a newspaper and still manage to

stay so cool and calm well i've got a secret how do i take stress in my stride

how do i stay cool when it gets complicated this is my secret

It's the brand new Strokematic from Reassuratron, with 16 individually

programmed stroke messages tailored to your special needs, to give you that

somebody -loves -you feeling all day long.

Hey, I really agree with you.

So, when the whole world is against you, and none of your friends are answering

the phone, here's one little guy who always knows what to say. The

available now.

I love the way you press my button.

Okay, cut.

I have never sunk so low. Take me now, Lord. Death would be promotion.

Right, OK.

A lot of nice stuff in that. You've got a really interesting look there.

I still think it would help you to establish a better sense of audience

if we were to wet the blouse.

Forget it and die, lame brain.

Give me that passion on camera. I've got chills.

Come on, girl, let's ravish the public. Ravish yourself, aren't I?

Oh, come on, Linda.

It's only going to be on the loop of my uncle's store. Chain of stores?

Yeah, and they'll all be placing ads with us.

If you'll just do this plug, do you know how much that's worth to us? My ritual

humiliation in all surrounding towns and cities?

Keep a hold of that thought.

It's got to be you, Linda.

You're a local celebrity. You're a business success. People around here

to you. But you're working on that, right?

Hey, you're doing the right thing.

OK.

OK.

Right, everybody.

Let's go again.

Take five.

You handsome monk.

Hurry up.

We left school two years ago. Let's keep it that way, huh? You can do this.

That woman is going to be yours.

One more stroke.

Morning, Spike.

Morning, Linda.

Don't hang from the light fittings. It won't make you taller.

Maybe if you hung on my ankles.

Do it again, I'll hang on you all right, and it won't make you taller.

Surprised to see me so happy?

Well, we're still dating.

That's not why I'm happy. That's why I'm surprised.

Morning, Linda.

Everything we've done on the hospital series has to be rewritten, and I mean

immediately.

Morning, Julie.

I'll get right on there.

You know, I woke up with a good feeling about today, boss.

That happens sometimes. It's just nature's cruel way of getting you out of

I woke up just knowing that you would remember my birthday. Of course I do.

it was ages ago, wasn't it?

Yes, Linda. Quite a while.

Right.

Almost exactly a while, in fact.

Today.

Oh.

Well, how was I supposed to remember it was today? It's been a year.

I had a look at your town hall feature.

I rewrote it.

One, two, three.

You haven't got me a present.

It's the thought that counts.

You didn't think.

I didn't get you a present. See, it counts.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Well, don't be childish.

I've got a rumour. There's going to be a local telly news item, Badder Old

Headmaster. Want me to check it out?

Yes, of course. Can't you do anything without asking first?

really didn't get me a damn present what's the point in birthdays grow up

you got it anyway shouldn't you be at the town hall by now you're supposed to

doing those interviews i've got half an hour thank you for reminding me on a

happy occasion of my birthday that i how did you do it

happy birthday how i'm a unique and remarkable woman spike enjoy it while

look lost

So which of your millions did you send to buy it for you? It was my choice.

Oh, I am impressed.

Well, it was a choice between Julie and Sarah, but Sarah's got better taste for

that kind of thing.

It's engraved, actually.

Oh, yeah?

7 .30 a .m.

The new start time for your morning shift.

I wanted it to be practical, too.

Hey, when did you get it on my damn wrist?

You think that's clever?

Check your underwear.

I did right?

Yeah, you did good.

OK, everyone, let's get to it. I woke up with a good feeling about today.

Linda, you're a good person.

Linda's good. Linda, you're the best with the guy around.

Right, St Colin?

Pray for him, Julie. He's fallen in love with the new school secretary.

They're smooth and cool.

I'm sophisticated.

Look, are you sure she hasn't got a boyfriend?

Well, there's this guy in a hat who turns up at her house sometimes. He

arrives late and stays overnight.

So I think he must be a lodger.

Right.

This is it. What do I say?

Look, even you can't go wrong with hello.

Right.

Goodbye.

Goodbye. Hang on. Sorry, I said that wrong.

I didn't mean to say goodbye like that.

Right, fine.

I mean, don't be alarmed. It's not because I think you're about to die or

anything.

Good. You look really healthy, and I'm sure you have regular check -ups, just

case you've got one of those terminal illnesses with no visible symptoms.

Though who can tell these days, right? I mean, saw a friend of mine once,

picture of health.

Week later, went to see him being cremated.

Not that I'm going to go and see you being cremated, of course, though...

I would go to your funeral if you suddenly died for any reason.

I'd love to.

So, how are you?

I've got work to do.

What? In your condition?

I've really got to go.

Sorry, sorry, I'm getting a bit confused.

Please.

I'm sorry, I'm making a total mess of this, right?

It's just I've been trying to work out a way to meet you.

Why?

I've just moved in across the street from you.

Oh. And may I say, you look even nicer up close than through binoculars.

Oh, well, for a first meeting, I've had a lot worse.

She's probably phoning the police.

Yeah, but I remembered not to give my name.

Yeah.

Could have been a lot worse.

Uh, I'm afraid there's some late break in nude.

She knows who I am now. I just have to stop her thinking of me as a psychopath.

What are you trying to get?

Come in.

Any tips this time? What shall I do? Fix your zipper.

You think she'd like that?

No, before you go in.

Oh, right.

I don't think I can take any more of this.

Don't mind if I leave.

Good luck.

Fred? Fred!

I think I've caught my tie.

Come in.

Fred, are you there?

Sorry if I seemed a bit strange earlier.

Are you shy or something?

No, no, I'm not shy at all.

I've just got my zipper stuck, that's all.

So, Janet, I guess you get tired of guys trying the smoothie routine.

All you were trying to do was chat me up and you end up half strangled with

possible concussions.

Rookie mistake.

I'm just glad you passed out before you could set yourself on fire.

I haven't done that for ages.

That's better.

See, you can make a joke.

And that's a better bet with women, Colin.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I guess it was pretty funny. It was.

And I like a guy with a sense of humour.

Matthews. What are you doing back here?

Trying to check me up.

Oh, my goodness. He hasn't burnt himself, has he? No, not this time.

Right then, Colin.

It's nice to see you, but we have work to get on with. Right. This.

Um, Colin, you can do a little favour for me, could you? I'd love to.

You're not allowed to charge her, Colin.

Thank you, Miss Hesop.

I just want you to take this to the headmaster for me. He was asking for it

earlier.

Come.

Have you ever considered your need for professional management?

Colin, you left, surely?

Yeah.

So what's going on here, then? I'm about to be interviewed. Is there something I

can do for you?

Janet, Miss Clark said you wanted this book.

No.

I saw your interview with the mayor.

Would you be interested in endorsing bikini line products?

Colin, not now!

No, sir, I meant her.

I did not ask... for that book. Now, would you mind leaving?

Why does she tell me? I have no idea. Now, please.

Oh.

Oh, it's okay, sir. Just underestimating my sex appeal.

You can do that.

I'll talk to you later. We can use a double for the close -ups.

One's our ex -stubes.

Right. Are you ready to go for this now?

Yes, when you are.

Just be relaxed, pleasant.

And show a genuine interest in her.

And just be myself.

No, she doesn't have to find out about that for a bit.

And listen, don't arrive early, okay?

Looks too eager.

And she might still be getting ready.

None.

Right.

Let's do it.

Make way for the love machine.

Bill, it's over.

I'm here.

What did you tell your wife?

I'm not married, kid. Move fast while I'm available.

What are you doing here?

You gave me that note.

It wasn't for you.

Janet, it's me.

I had trouble getting away.

We have to talk. There is no way we can carry on doing this.

You're the guy with the hat.

Don't believe this. This is totally wild stuff city.

You're like a headmaster.

She's your secretary and you're her lodger.

The note was for him, right?

Colin, wait.

Colin, listen to me for a moment, please.

Aren't you married?

You still work at that junior good there, don't you?

Why?

We've been trying to keep it quiet.

Well, it was certainly news to me.

That's it, is it?

Well, yeah.

Did I do it right?

Right.

Maybe we could get that noise a bit.

Mm, that'd be good.

Julie, Spike, Kate, Frazz, Sarah.

This story not only has strong moral dimensions, with a potential for an

improving effect on some of our more ethically challenged readers.

But, boy, would it be just a blast for the sales figures.

Oh, you're such a man.

Oh, sorry.

This thing's playing up.

What's he like, your secretary?

Gorgeous. Yeah? I'm gaining new respect for the man. I'm humbled.

Because he's cheating on his wife. You guys are sick.

We are sick. His wife's gorgeous, too. We're ill. Maybe you guys could take

seriously.

Yeah, maybe we could. I mean, especially since the paper wouldn't exist if it

wasn't for Winters.

I think we're Sullivan and Kerr set us up. Yeah, we're the two, you know that.

And some of us sitting around this table were headed exactly nowhere before the

junior gazette.

Spike, for instance.

Yeah, Fraz, for example. Yeah, those two.

Scum. Slime. Have you met his wife?

My tongue was down to my knee. Oh, you are slime.

I'm slime, he's scum.

We are talking about publishing a story that could have a serious effect on

someone's career.

Yes, someone who's had a serious effect on all of our careers.

I can't believe I'm hearing this. You people are talking like wimps.

He's a good guy. Can't we just leave him alone? Good.

Spare a thought for his wife, eh?

Oh, we do.

And it's great, isn't it?

Meeting over. We're not touching this.

I can't believe you said that.

Sorry, I've got to go.

I'll just be one minute. When I get back, I've got some serious points on

issue.

The fact is, it's just gossip, and we don't run gossip.

I still say he's an old creep, though. Maybe, but there's absolutely nothing

that makes this story newsworthy.

Thank God.

Mr. Winters, headmaster of Norbridge High School, is someone who likes a

challenge. He's the man in charge of a new national committee who are going to

try and teach teenagers to be sensible about love.

Simple question.

Do you think it's possible?

I think it's necessary in the current circumstances more than ever.

Teenagers don't like being preached at, though. Why should they listen to you?

Because we won't be preaching. And the challenge is to... Prevent the idea to

young people that commitment and fidelity can be exciting.

Like there's some kind of dismal beauty.

Yeah, what?

So tell me it isn't news now. OK, it's news.

But Colin is not a reliable source.

We don't have a story till we've got hard information.

I think it's possible to make being responsible seem like fun, too.

Meaning we need a better source, right?

Practice what you don't preach.

I've been very happily married for 20 years.

Mr Winters, thank you very much.

I just had a feeling you might be upset.

Oh.

You know, after all those stories in the press about my heartbreaking split with

you -know -who...

A lot of people have asked me how I managed to stay so cool and calm.

Well, I've got a secret.

Cut! We've got to run it, Linda. It's news. It matters.

Which is why you spent the entire morning grooming the heartbroken Miss

for bimbo stardom.

Well, that's a very unfeeling thing to say about a wronged and broken woman who

just happens to enjoy being photographed in a leotard.

Point one.

Colin, you do not decide this paper is running a story until you hear from me.

Understood? How can we not run it?

Our readership are just the type of people that are going to be affected by

this guy says.

And they have a right to be told if he's not qualified to be doling out advice.

And we have an obligation to tell them in every way we can.

Personally, I'm already at concept stage on a pop -up book.

He's absolutely right.

Well, maybe you could help with pictures.

I mean, this is news now. It is relevant. Did anyone notice what he was

saying last night? As opposed to who was saying it. Some of it was good stuff.

That's not the point. Not under discussion.

Correct. We can't do this. We're talking about bringing that man down. We can't

do that.

Oh, so we're in newspapers to protect our little pals now, are we? Well, I'm

glad you're not my friend.

OK, meeting over.

Decision? Not yet.

We're printing tonight.

Just one more hour. Colin? Yeah?

You're coming with me.

I can't. I'm supervising Janet's photo shoot and there's a good bit coming.

Yeah, there is. And if you don't come now, you'll miss it.

Linda. Colin.

Mr Winters. Who is it, dear?

Some pupils.

Ex -pupils.

You sure you weren't... We won't be long.

No.

I've been following your paper.

Of course.

I was most impressed with your...

Theories on the unfairnesses in school funding.

I think you probably know why we're here.

Concerning my encounter with Colin the other night by way of my television

interview, yes?

We wondered maybe if you had something you wanted to say.

Is there something you want to ask?

No.

I would merely like to mention that this matter is a private one.

With public implications.

Some people would think anyway.

The fact that I...

I've been a fool.

It does not reflect upon my ability as a headmaster or as a member of that

committee. I agree with you.

Oh.

So you're not going to print this, then?

I've had a chance to make up my mind based on the facts.

You don't think other people are entitled to that?

We just print what's new.

We don't decide what's good for people to know.

If something comes to our attention and it's newsworthy and it's important to

our readership, we print it.

It has to be that way.

Otherwise we might as well just make up the stories, right?

We print the facts.

The readers make the judgments.

You know what their judgment will be.

Actually, nobody does.

I know, all right.

Then why did you do it, sir?

Anything to add, Colin?

No, no.

That about covers it.

For what it's worth, Probably not much.

It will be on the front page.

But there'll be no showbiz.

We won't sensationalise it.

Just another news story.

And it will be on the streets early tomorrow.

I appreciate the advance warning.

So what's going to happen then?

To you, I mean.

I have absolutely no idea.

Colin? Are you alright?

Going home.

Ugly day.

Yeah.

Did I do the right thing?

No.

Well, I'm off too.

Want to see me home? It's a rough neighborhood.

I've got some work I need to finish.

Well, get a taxi. No walking, all right?

What the hell do you mean, no?

What do you mean?

We're bringing a good man down because of some stuff that's none of our

business. And he's a friend.

It's not as simple as that.

Actually, it is. He's a good headmaster.

The very least we've done is shoot him in the foot.

Because of us, tomorrow, the world is a slightly less good place.

And for this, we get paid.

If I hold back a story because I think it's not in the public interest, next

thing, we'll be inventing the news.

It matters that doesn't happen.

I did right.

Did you do good? Yes.

No.

Get a taxi.