Original subtitles

What time does it land in LA?

Good.

And I can just pick up the ticket when I get there, yeah?

No, not a return.

I don't know when I'll be coming back.

Okay.

This is James Thompson.

Leave a message. I'll get back to you.

Dad, it's me.

I booked my flight. I'm on my way.

I just wanted to share a thought with you, though.

On a scale of one to ten, you stink.

And today was the stinkinest thing you've ever done.

That's why I've got a few things I need to get off of my chest right now.

First off... Spike!

I need your help. I'm in an urgent situation situation.

I'm on the phone, Colin.

First off, I don't see why I should be heading home on your account. I don't

recall you ever stirring your butt that far for me. I just need you to look

after this case for a little while.

Go away.

But let's face it, Dad. Not stirring your butt is about as close to a hobby

you've ever come.

Let me put this appeal on a more personal basis, Spike. I'll give you a

Colin.

So, Dad, don't think what's happening today makes any damn difference. Spike.

Colin. Will you want some? Oh, go shove it.

Kid today, eh?

Colin!

Sorry about that, Dad. Just another joke that I know.

What I'm trying to say is, ever since I can remember, you've... Look, what the

hell is the matter with you?

Nothing. Good.

Oh, it's just that bullet wound I took during the gun siege. It kind of flares

up when close friends start knocking me about. You were never around, Dad.

Any time I ever needed any help... I'll be okay, I expect.

any time I ever needed any help. It's not so much the physical pain, of

It's the wound to my heart.

Sorry, Dad. I've got a bit of a situation here.

Just give me your damn case. I'll look after it. Just shut up, okay?

You're a prince, Spike. I thought I was going to have to beg.

Look, what I'm trying to say is you were never there for me at any time that it

ever mattered.

So why I should... Colin, what are you doing?

Could you be a bit more specific, Spike?

You just cuffed your case to my wrist.

Well, you might drop it. What?

Well, it could hurt your foot.

Colin. Maybe I'd just better give you the address.

What address?

The address where I want you to take the case, that's all.

Colin, I'm not taking your damn case anywhere.

Don't be silly, Spike. It's chained to your wrist.

Dad, I gotta go.

But I got a lot more stuff that I need to say to you. So hang on for the next

installment, okay?

Colin, what the hell are you up to?

Up to, Spike? That's a very untrusting thing to say.

Colin, will you get this damn thing off of me?

Spike, you said you'd help me, and now you're going back on your word. I'm not

buying this, Colin.

We unlocked the damn cuff.

You wouldn't do that to your best mate Colin, would you? You wouldn't split up

the old team.

It's you and me against the odds one more time, old buddy. I guess we're in

together. Only because you chained me to your damn case.

I knew you'd bring that up eventually.

Unlock it.

Look, it's a very simple business deal. My uncle wants me to look after this

case for a few days and then deliver it to a certain address.

Easy stuff, eh? So why don't you deliver it yourself, then?

Well, it's not chained to me, is it? Colin, I'm warning you.

Attention. Please do not cause unnecessary shocks or agitation to this

This is Electron 2000 High Security Briefcase.

What the hell kind of a case is this?

Actually, you're missing the big question.

What's in it?

You've been sleeping here again?

No, I just thought this would be a great look.

All right.

Sorry.

So what's in the case?

I'm not sure.

Well, from what little I know of your uncle, anything he'd rather you looked

after than him is unlikely to be entirely legal.

So when you reach the same conclusion, what did you find inside?

Attention. Do not attempt to open this case without the correct key and opening

procedure. This is a Vectron 2000 high -security briefcase.

Whatever's in there, your uncle wants it well looked after. Open it up.

I don't have the key.

Will you listen to the man?

I don't have the key.

Of all the dumb, unbelievable, and just plain stupid answers you've ever come up

with, and we're talking some pretty stiff opposition here, that is the

most unbelievable ever. I don't have the key.

Remember those words, Colin, because that is where I finally and forever

with you.

I don't have the key.

Now unlock the damn cuff!

I hope you know any damage will be coming out of your pocket, my lad.

Colin, shut up!

Satisfied? You've got Linda mad at me now.

Colin, why don't you go and find that key you're pretending you don't have?

Right.

I'll just go and do that.

I guess some people just don't have a sense of humour anymore, eh, Linda?

What else does there have to be?

I'm sorry.

I was talking to my dad today.

Dad always kind of winds me up, you know.

I thought you guys only spoke in emergencies.

There's an emergency?

Yeah, I guess.

Family?

So, you're slipping in the newsroom again, huh?

Only now and then, when I finish late.

I thought you promised Kenny you wouldn't do that after we left.

I gave him my solemn word of honour. He always felt that.

Annoying, isn't it? You put a key down somewhere, then you go and look for it,

and it's not there.

Colin. It can only happen to us free crazies, though, right?

Colin, just go find the key.

Always kills the mood, doesn't it?

Colin, one question.

You wanted Spike to deliver the case instead of you. Obviously there's a

so who else is after it?

Well, there are a couple of my uncle's former business associates, yes.

Business associates?

Yes, business associates.

Harry the Hammer and Blind Jake.

And who exactly are they?

Well, I don't know, do I? I've never met them.

And plainly you're not anxious to?

Well, it was fair in love and war. Go find the key, Colin.

Remember, guys, eh? Love and war. Love and war.

I've got to go back to the States.

But don't panic. I'll be back.

I don't know when, but I will be back.

Who's panicking?

Look, I'd like it just for once if we didn't play games, OK?

No, you wouldn't.

So what's happened back home?

I don't think I want to talk about it.

Fair enough.

What do you suppose is in the case?

Well, you could try a little harder with me. I'm having kind of a crisis here.

You said you didn't want to talk about it.

Actually, Linda, in a situation like this, most people would try and coax me

little, you know?

You want me to coax you?

I'm just saying it would be normal behaviour under the circumstances,

all. Do you want to be coaxed, yes or no?

Well, most people would give it a shot.

You mean they'd try and get you to talk about it, is that what you're saying?

They'd coax me, yeah.

Well, go on, then.

No.

You know, there could be a story in this.

What is it with you? You never have time for anybody, do you?

Right, can we talk about this later? You never give an inch to another living

being, except for some reason, that little creep in there.

Calling can be useful.

Oh, and so as long as he's useful, the Linda Days Junior Gazette, he can be

selling off the news team for spare parts surgery.

He gets his own little office, his own private phone line, even his own secret

way out.

long gone.

Terrific.

I'm having a major personal crisis chained to a talking briefcase.

Alongside probably the most unsympathetic human being in history

the Hun had a bad day.

My coat.

I gotta get a plane in the morning.

How comes every time I try to leave this country I get attached to some baggage?

Last time you were attached to me.

Right.

Okay, let's apply our intelligence to this.

Well, mine anyway.

No games, Linda.

I just want to get rid of this thing.

So we need a key.

And whoever you were supposed to deliver to must have one.

Yeah.

Well?

I don't know. Colin, look down the address.

So we substitute for Colin at the delivery, get you uncuffed to get the

opened, and depending on what's inside, possibly a duty little front page.

Yeah, and what if Harry the Hammer and Blind Jake turn up? We could do with a

couple of interviews.

You know, if we could just keep Colin's name out of this, it has real potential.

Maybe I should give Sarah a ring. Linda, getting me uncuffed is our priority

here. Of course it is.

Well, mine anyway.

A dress?

Marvin Bixby heals and holds promotion at Somerset House.

He'll be there after 11.

I'd better get some clothes on.

You know what's always bugged me about you?

You always think I'm such a complete jerk.

You ever heard of parental pride, huh?

You ever heard of taking an interest?

Because there are some people who kind of consider me an alright person, you

know? Do you know what would have been good?

If one lousy time I'd walked in on you and your butt -scratching pals, you

hadn't gone into your gag routine about what a zero I am.

My son's a zero, just like his dad.

Well, I'm not a zero, Dad.

That's one thing that isn't running in the family.

I'm not a zero.

Thanks.

You've had a fight with your dad. Is that what it is?

I've had a million fights with my dad.

Tonight I've got to win them all.

You look very fetching. Blue collar. It's a good look for you.

This is way over the top, Spike. Well, you want to get into Bixby's office

before he does, don't you? If we can find the key before he arrives, we've

the upper hand. But why can't we just... Yeah, okay. So trust me.

I hate it when you do this.

Excuse me.

Hi, Rock Thompson.

This is my assistant, Lucretia. Could we have the key to Mr. Bixby's office,

please? Why? We want to get it sprayed for tomorrow.

Sprayed? You have been told about this.

About what?

Um, just as a matter of interest, Mr.

Saunders, have you had any dealings with Mr. Bixby today?

Well, he said good morning. How close was he?

Is there something wrong with Mr. Bixby?

Can I rely on your complete discretion, Mr. Saunders?

Oh, yeah.

We think it's the Black Death.

Right. You take the death car, I'll take the cupboard.

Even if we can't conclude what's in the case.

Did you ever talk to my dad much when he was over here?

Well, you never really let me, did you?

It was always like you were embarrassed.

Yeah, well, there's a lot to be embarrassed about, right? Well, from all

things you said, I was expecting a beer gut stubble and belching.

Yeah, okay, so I talked that up a little. A lot.

You liked him.

Well, he reminded me of you.

One problem at a time, huh?

Do you remember those Tom and Jerry cartoons?

When I was a little kid, we used to play at those in the backyard.

Except I never wanted to be Tom.

Cats aren't exactly macho. And sure as hell wasn't going to be a mouse, right?

So I always had to be the dog.

Do you remember the dog?

Sure, despite the bulldog.

You're kidding me.

Yeah, I don't know, sometime.

You named yourself after the dog in Tom and Jerry?

It just happens sometimes, you know? Fathers and sons, they don't get on.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Of course there is.

I meant every lousy thing I ever said about him, Linda.

Well, like Colin said, all's fair in love and war.

Spike Thompson.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, Colin told me you were on your way round.

Who's this?

Uh, my assistant.

Do we need her?

Miss Borgia, if you could just wait for me outside, please.

Now, you tell old man Matthews this is the last time. I don't owe him any more

favours. OK.

How did you get in here, by the way? Does it matter? Can we, uh, just deal

the cup, please?

Sure.

Now, you'd better get going. That's my part of it, Oven.

Hey! What the hell's going on here? What are you doing?

Well, you came here to collect the case, didn't you? No, no, I came to deliver a

case.

Now, why would Colin have told you a thing like that?

Well, as a guest, he had to give Spike a reason to come here. Picking up a case

wouldn't do it. But getting uncut from one might.

Exactly.

We're very interested in the contents of these cases, Mr. Bixby. It's hard to

imagine what could justify such a high degree of security.

Right, must be some favor you owe. Are you guys from Harry the Hammer?

Blind Jake.

Linda Day, Junior Gazette.

By the way, do you have a recent photograph of yourself?

Going well, isn't it?

Dad.

Well, this time I was going to be reasonable.

This time I was going to say all the good stuff about you.

Only the thing is, I can't find the words.

I don't know the words.

Look, we're just father and son, okay?

We're just related, that's all.

Doesn't mean to say there has to be any love.

Linda!

Yes?

It just opened. It just came off of my wrist.

What were you doing?

Nothing. Just talking.

Talking?

You know, there's a point we've been missing here. We've been looking for a

all this time and there aren't any keyholes.

So how the hell do you unlock it?

If you were talking on the phone, the cuff would be right at your mouth.

What was the last thing you said when the cuff opened?

Hmm?

Well, the lock could be voice activated. The key could be a word.

Love. Last thing I said was love.

Love. Love.

Now try this one.

Love. Keyword correct.

Accent permitted.

This is a Vectron 2000 high -security briefcase.

And war.

The other keyword is war.

Do you remember what Colin said when he went out? Love and war, guys.

He couldn't resist parading it under our noses.

More.

Keyword correct. Access permitted. This is a Vectron 2000 high -security

briefcase.

Why, don't get this.

I've spent the entire evening delivering nothing.

What's the point of a high -security briefcase that protects nothing?

Collins Games.

Who knows what the hell it's about?

Well, I'm going to find out. The answer's got to be in there somewhere.

Spike, there's no point.

Linda, I'm not spending the entire evening chained to an increasing number

briefcases and not knowing the reason why.

What happened yesterday, Spike?

Look, I just want to find out what Colin was up to with these cases, OK? One

problem at a time.

All right, I'll try and be logical about this.

Oh, that'll be comforting.

You keep phoning your dad's answering machine, but you never say what you mean

to. Otherwise, you wouldn't have to keep on phoning, right?

Very illogical. Am I right?

I don't know what's gone on between you and your dad, but I think you should try

and get it sorted.

Straight talking might help.

Want to be alone?

Definitely not.

Look, I guess what I've really been trying to say from the start is that I

really am sorry.

I'm sorry for all that stuff that I said.

Because I don't get a chance to take it back now.

And I'm sorry that we've been fighting solidly ever since I can remember.

Because it just got too late to make it up.

And I'm sorry that the best way I can find to speak into you now is by leaving

you a bunch of dumb messages on an answer phone that you're never going to

But I guess we always did have communication difficulties, right?

I kind of feel like you didn't let me finish.

What a dirty trick, Dad.

One day we're yelling at each other on the phone, and the next you pull a fatal

heart attack.

What a tactic.

Well, you see if I'll let you do that again.

I'm running out of things to say here, Dad.

Not as much as I always thought.

I don't miss you like hell, Dad.

Well, I got no one to prove wrong anymore, have I?

Well, almost no one.

I guess that's it.

Goodbye forever.

And, uh, all of that.

I'm sorry, Spike.

Well, Mom's gone, and, uh,

The bad's dead.

I guess that makes me an orphan, right?

Could solve the problem of our relationship.

I'll adopt you.

Let go, Spike.

You crazy guy.

I love you. You got the case in.

Listen.

Gotta dash.

I loved your input.

Let's do sushi.

Colin.

Yeah? I just gotta know.

We figured out that the cases are some kind of payoff from Bixby to your uncle.

Right, exactly.

But there's nothing in them.

I get it. There's a secret compartment or something.

No.

Well, what's the payoff?

What's everybody after?

Well, isn't it obvious?

The cases.

They're absolutely the latest thing. Cost a fortune.

Bixby's firm is doing the marketing. He said he'd slip my uncle a couple of

freebies. Well, one freebie, actually. We managed to talk him up to two, and

that's why there was a second delivery tonight.

Those business types, eh?

So, you managed to figure out the keywords?

Yeah, love and war.

Clever, eh?

Love and war.