All language subtitles for Press Gang s04e02 Unexpected

Don't worry. It'll only knock you out
for around eight hours.

When you recover, drink a lot of water.
You may dehydrate.

Colonel X.

I must warn you.

I intend to cause you quite excruciating
pain.

Sounds reasonable.

I would advise you, therefore, to
reconsider your position.

No, no, I'm brave.

The agony will be quite exquisite.

Fine, good.

Do you mind if I make a phone call?

Yeah. There's this guy named Dr.
Freeway.

He disintegrates brains.

Julie, you've got to get me out of here.

When I was a kid, I didn't realise it
was this bad.

Tough. Now, you are remembering you're
due for late duty in about 20 minutes.

You're such a comfort, Julie.

Say hi to the Colonel.

One last moment to reconsider.

Very well, then.

This should prove most interesting.

Do your worst, Dr Freeway. You'll never
get away with this.

Did I mention I've had my walking cane
fitted with a small but effective dart

gun? Oh, thank God that you're here.

That computer over there has been
programmed to detonate a nuclear device

somewhere in England.

Just as I suspected.

Be careful.

It may be booby -trapped.

Don't worry.

I've had experience in dealing with this
kind of technology.

Fortunately, I have a hat pin and a
string.

Good Lord.

How could you have known that you'd be
deactivating a computer?

It's a policy of mine, Sir Edward,
always to expect the unexpected.

It's a policy of mine always to expect
it.

Peter. Peter's got his good points.

Name them.

Personal hygiene.

Andrew, he's got a nice shirt. He
started that room himself.

He thought it would make him sound
glamorous.

Listen, do you really think it's such a
good idea to date a guy on the new team?

Don't you think it might just kill the
mood a bit, you being his boss?

Quite the reverse.

You know, I could dock his pay if I
don't have a good time.

Hi.

Well, here goes.

You really think Spike's the jealous
type?

He's about to be.

You just entered a room without a string
of gags about how pretty you are. I

want to talk about it. Oh, it's a bad
story, boss.

My ego got so big that it left me.

Mike, you know how you said you wanted
to start dating other women while you

tried to figure out how you feel about
me? What I said more accurately, Linda,

was that I'd rather date any other woman
in the entire universe, regardless of

size, shape, age, creed or species than
you. Sure, but if none of those

relationships work out, we're an item.

Thing is... I've decided I should start
seeing other people, too, and I think

you should know I've got a date.

Oh, good.

What do you mean, good?

I just told you I've got a date. So what
do you want from me? A reference?

What's his name?

Uh... Oh, I see. You've got a date, but
you just don't know who with.

Well, I've narrowed it way down.

You know what, Linda?

You couldn't get a date if you were
paying for it.

Of course I could.

We've got loads in petty cash.

Okay. I'll make you a deal.

Not interested.

Julie, tell Jeff both his articles are
completely lousy and he's on window

cleaning due to silly shapes. I didn't
even read them.

But my windows need cleaning, okay?

Linda, you get a proper, legitimate,
unpaid date without the use of even

force and I'll cook dinner for you both.

What? You know I'm a great cook. A
candlelit dinner for two at the venue of

choice. I'm chef and head waiter.

What do you get out of that?

Nothing. Because it's never going to
happen. Because no guy would ever want

have dinner with you.

You should know this, Linda.

Guys don't like you. Of course they do.

Why don't they?

They do tend to have an image of you as
sort of a ruthless, ambitious

monomaniac.

See?

So is it a bet or what?

I'll find a man.

Just you make sure I've got something to
feed him.

I'll bring the food. You bring the meat.

You're going to regret this, Thompson.

This is going to be the meal of a
lifetime.

Well, in that case, we both better get
shopping.

What have I got myself into?

The usual.

And it's about up to your neck.

Hello, tunic of that.

What?

Now, keep in mind he's been concussed
and we've still got him heavily sedated,

so... It's entirely possible he won't
know who you are.

I see.

We wouldn't have come if we'd known he
was that bad. Yeah, you guys could have

just told him we'd visited.

Well, feel free to sit with him for a
while, but unless he wakes himself up,

please make no attempt to bring him
round.

Don't worry, we'll let the herd.

Fred, why are you listening?

What? Concast, he won't know who you
are.

Right. I was going to ask him to have
dinner with me.

Linda, you've upset him now.

Hi, Fred.

What happened?

It's probably best if you don't think
about it just yet. You were mugged,

though. You were found unconscious and
kind of roughed up in an alleyway off

Hartford Road. We assume you were mugged
because your wallet was missing.

So, where's Spike?

Well, he came along, but we lost him
somewhere. You know how it is. This

is full of nurses.

But do you get it, though? I mean, it's
such an ugly uniform.

So uncomfortable.

So you really don't remember anything,
then?

No.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just a bit tired.

Oh, sure.

You get some sleep.

And we'll tell Spike to make another
try. I'm sure he'll make it this far

sometime.

And Fred, if there's anything you want,
you just contact the newsroom. We'll see

to it.

All right?

He's asleep.

Does that mean we can go now?

No! It is exceptionally unwise to
venture into the back streets of any

without some knowledge of unarmed
combat.

Or perhaps the flamethrower in your
signet ring.

Odd places, hospitals, aren't they?

You don't exist.

You're a character from a TV show I used
to watch when I was a kid.

Sorry, I just thought I'd mention it.

You know, the head nurse here reminds me
rather of Baroness von Sternin, the

famous German assassin.

Oh, good.

It's not her, of course.

The Baroness died a few years ago when
she inadvertently wore one of her own

exploding necklaces to the opera.

Tragic business.

The lead soprano was terrified about
being a high E ever again.

They're crazy.

What's crazy, Franz?

Colonel X was a kid's TV series ten
years ago.

It got axed because the actor that
played you died in a car crash.

John England.

Does the name mean anything to you?

Should it? Well, you're wearing his
face.

I'm not currently in one of my
disguises, Fraz.

I checked before I came out.

It's funny, isn't it? I mean, most
people, they get knocked on the head,

get a migraine or something like that. I
start picking up kids' television.

Perhaps you'd better rest now, Fraz.
You're talking rather oddly.

Not unlike my mother did.

shortly before I discovered she'd been
replaced by an identical robot replica.

I still pray I blew out the right one.

You're right.

You don't exist, but you're right.

Rest now, Franz.

We have much to do when your strength is
restored.

I'll return when the moment is
propitious.

And if I may, I'll leave you my card.

Whatever you say.

And remember, Franz, expect the
unexpected.

Always expect the unexpected.

Look, why don't you just tell Spike you
give in? Because I'd rather die than let

Spike win anything ever.

Why? You know what he's like. He's so
competitive.

Oh, well, I keep telling him there's
only one guy left who hasn't turned you

down.

He's your last shot.

Colin, I'm not going to beat about the
bush. I'd like to have dinner with you.

Take it or leave it.

What?

I find you very attractive.

So take that look off your stupid face.

Attractive? Yes.

Is that so surprising?

Well, there is that rule you've got
about me being in the same room while

eating. And remember that time I
accidentally touched your hand? You

over a desk.

That was flirting.

It's just dinner for two with no one
else around.

Except Spike. He'll be cooking.

He said yes.

Oh, and he may need some medical
attention.

We got a call from your head office.
They want all the locks changed on these

doors.

Apparently, you got some newspaper
reporters sneaking around trying to take

look at your files.

Miss Madden, could I ask you to step
outside and push the key under the door,

please? Certainly.

I'll just be a few minutes.

Right, so where were we? You were having
this crazy dream in hospital about

Colonel X visiting you. Yeah, you've got
Colonel X in the States, right? Yeah,

sure, but never in person.

So in the dream, yeah, just before he
leaves, Colonel X says he's going to

me one of his calling cards.

Oh, I remember those. A card with a big
black X on them, right? Right.

So anyway, in the morning, I found this.

In the box of chocolates that Julie gave
me.

What?

Turn it over.

An official Colonel X calling card.

Just to remind you what's waiting when
you get back to work.

Love, Julie.

Well, it must have given you an
interesting few moments.

You're not kidding.

Okay, right. Back to work, huh?

Excuse me.

Mr. Martingale said I could use the
photocopier. Of course. It's right

Thanks.

Did you really think you'd seen the
light of me?

Did you really think it would be so
easy?

You're a fool, Dr. Freeways.

Now tell me, which of the royal family
did you replace seven years ago with a

robot replica?

I see no reason why I shouldn't tell
you.

It was him.

No, no, no. Go away.

Go away!

Not

heading

off then?

No, I don't want to go home yet.

Well, you can't stay here too long, I'm
afraid. It's Linda's big meal here

tonight with Colin, would you believe?

You all right?

You've been really quiet all day.

I'm fine.

Well, hang in there.

The moment

has come, Fred.

I need your assistance in a matter of
the gravest importance.

Look, no offence, would you just get out
of my head, please?

I don't like socialising with fictional
characters.

That's interesting.

Actually, Kraus, I was once a fictional
character.

The diabolical St. John Squareheart used
his deadly fictionalising ray on me.

Fictionalising ray?

Exactly. I spent two weeks as a minor
character in Hound of the Baskervilles.

Of course you did.

Fortunately, I managed to escape, along
with Desmond Hargrove, another character

from that fine mystery novel.

I've read Hound of the Baskervilles.
There's no -one called Desmond Hargrove,

there?

Well, there isn't now.

Look, what I'm trying to say is you're
just my imagination.

And I must admit, it's better than I
thought it was. I don't quite follow

you're saying, Kraz.

I got a knock on the head. I started
seeing characters from some kid's show.

I need to complain myself to a symptom
of concussion. You seem to have a higher

opinion of me in your youth. You sent me
some very nice letters. I was

particularly touched by your request for
one of my machine gun walking canes.

Hi, Pitt.

Hi.

Now I, your childhood hero, turn up and
ask for help and find my request

ignored.

Oh, how are you?

I'm fine.

Very well, then. Since you are treating
me as if I don't exist, I will leave now

and return later this evening.

When, I calculate, events will have
reached their terrible crisis.

Hitler, you're probably wondering why I
was talking to myself when you came in

back there.

No, not really.

Franz, can I ask you a question?

Sure. Why are you ignoring that man?

You can see him? Of course I can see
him. Hi.

Good evening, dear lady.

You're cute.

People can see you?

I told you at the very beginning, Franz.

Expect the unexpected.

I'm glad you didn't tell me to go away
this time, Mr. Davis.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I thought
you were someone else. I'm Dr. Clipstone

from the Norbridge Psychiatric Hospital.

I think you and I ought to discuss John
England.

He's kind of late, isn't he?

Maybe something's happened.

He'll be here.

If there was a problem, he'd have told
me by now.

I'll just get that excuse.

Phone.

I'll just get that phone.

Hello, Junior Gazette.

Hello, Colin.

I see.

No, that's fine.

I understand.

Die soon, Colin.

Colin won't be able to make it.

He's been unavoidably kidnapped by
terrorists.

I should be touched really.

He even went to the trouble of having
people shouting in the background in

foreign accents.

It's amazing how far people go to avoid
spending an evening with me.

Pretending to be kidnapped is not that
far.

He offered to send one of his fingers as
proof.

You were right, Spike.

People don't like me. Hey, come on.

Maybe I'm finally learning that being
smart and being right isn't a license to

treat people like dirt.

Wendy, you're talking all kind of sane
and nice.

Nobody move.

I am Colonel X.

Oh, now I get it. This is a dream.

Colonel X?

Like on the television?

Can you see him too?

Of course he can see me. I'm not wearing
my invisibility cloak.

Actually, I couldn't find it.

This is wild.

I don't normally get them this vivid.

Spike, you're not dreaming.

I know.

You wait any second. Now this room's
going to be full of nurses.

I'm sorry, Spike. You're wide awake.

He's really here.

You were really being sane.

I'm delighted you've decided to believe
in me, Brad.

Yeah, Dr. Clipstone, I was right. He's
here.

Could you get over to the newsroom as
quickly as possible?

Dr. Clipstone.

The name seems vaguely familiar.

I have a problem, Colonel X. I was
wondering if I could talk to you about

Of course.

See, there was once a guy named John
England.

Funny thing, he looked exactly like you.

Ah, a robot. No, an axer.

It's a bit of a sad story, really.

He was killed in a car accident along
with his wife.

That is a sad story.

Yes, but there's a twist.

See, he didn't actually really die.

His wife did, but he survived.

The press misreported the story and his
family decided not to correct the

mistake. How strange.

Why not?

Out of kindness, perhaps?

See, John England couldn't quite cope
with what had happened. He began to lose

it a bit.

Ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

And now he thinks he's you.

I was wondering, Colonel X, if you had
any advice.

I think I know what you're trying to say
to me, Fraz. You do?

I fear you were somewhat misguided.

Let us imagine this John England.

It is entirely possible that he's not a
particularly happy man.

Perhaps he's become hopelessly typecast
in one role, and his acting career is

effectively over.

He may even drink rather too much.

Possibly he even blames himself for the
accident that killed his wife.

In those circumstances, is it so odd
that he decides to become someone else?

Are you telling me he's happy at walking
around thinking that he's Colonel X?

Why not?

After all, you'd have to be mad to be
John England.

You're a very wise man, Colonel X.

Well, I've had some experience in the
area of mental illness.

I've heard that. As a matter of fact, my
departure from that field was rather

sudden.

I fear it may have caused some
consternation.

Perhaps it's time I was getting back.

There's someone on their way.

I chose you well, Riles.

I'm sorry I've not had more time to make
your acquaintance.

Spike Thompson.

We got a show in the States, sir. I
loved it.

America is a fine young country, Spike,
with a great deal of potential.

Thank you.

Linda Day.

Dear lady.

You remind me, rather, of my one true
love.

Olga Romanov.

She was head of a Russian suicide squad,
so our relationship was necessarily

brief.

Colonel X, would you have dinner with
me?

I would be delighted.

Check this out for a date.

I take it you've just unlearned where
you're going wrong in life.

Get cooking, Sulla.

I think everything's under control.

Could you maybe give it a couple more
hours?

Bon appetit.

Thank you.