Original subtitles

Don't worry. It'll only knock you out for around eight hours.

When you recover, drink a lot of water. You may dehydrate.

Colonel X.

I must warn you.

I intend to cause you quite excruciating pain.

Sounds reasonable.

I would advise you, therefore, to reconsider your position.

No, no, I'm brave.

The agony will be quite exquisite.

Fine, good.

Do you mind if I make a phone call?

Yeah. There's this guy named Dr. Freeway.

He disintegrates brains.

Julie, you've got to get me out of here.

When I was a kid, I didn't realise it was this bad.

Tough. Now, you are remembering you're due for late duty in about 20 minutes.

You're such a comfort, Julie.

Say hi to the Colonel.

One last moment to reconsider.

Very well, then.

This should prove most interesting.

Do your worst, Dr Freeway. You'll never get away with this.

Did I mention I've had my walking cane fitted with a small but effective dart

gun? Oh, thank God that you're here.

That computer over there has been programmed to detonate a nuclear device

somewhere in England.

Just as I suspected.

Be careful.

It may be booby -trapped.

Don't worry.

I've had experience in dealing with this kind of technology.

Fortunately, I have a hat pin and a string.

Good Lord.

How could you have known that you'd be deactivating a computer?

It's a policy of mine, Sir Edward, always to expect the unexpected.

It's a policy of mine always to expect it.

Peter. Peter's got his good points.

Name them.

Personal hygiene.

Andrew, he's got a nice shirt. He started that room himself.

He thought it would make him sound glamorous.

Listen, do you really think it's such a good idea to date a guy on the new team?

Don't you think it might just kill the mood a bit, you being his boss?

Quite the reverse.

You know, I could dock his pay if I don't have a good time.

Hi.

Well, here goes.

You really think Spike's the jealous type?

He's about to be.

You just entered a room without a string of gags about how pretty you are. I

want to talk about it. Oh, it's a bad story, boss.

My ego got so big that it left me.

Mike, you know how you said you wanted to start dating other women while you

tried to figure out how you feel about me? What I said more accurately, Linda,

was that I'd rather date any other woman in the entire universe, regardless of

size, shape, age, creed or species than you. Sure, but if none of those

relationships work out, we're an item.

Thing is... I've decided I should start seeing other people, too, and I think

you should know I've got a date.

Oh, good.

What do you mean, good?

I just told you I've got a date. So what do you want from me? A reference?

What's his name?

Uh... Oh, I see. You've got a date, but you just don't know who with.

Well, I've narrowed it way down.

You know what, Linda?

You couldn't get a date if you were paying for it.

Of course I could.

We've got loads in petty cash.

Okay. I'll make you a deal.

Not interested.

Julie, tell Jeff both his articles are completely lousy and he's on window

cleaning due to silly shapes. I didn't even read them.

But my windows need cleaning, okay?

Linda, you get a proper, legitimate, unpaid date without the use of even

force and I'll cook dinner for you both.

What? You know I'm a great cook. A candlelit dinner for two at the venue of

choice. I'm chef and head waiter.

What do you get out of that?

Nothing. Because it's never going to happen. Because no guy would ever want

have dinner with you.

You should know this, Linda.

Guys don't like you. Of course they do.

Why don't they?

They do tend to have an image of you as sort of a ruthless, ambitious

monomaniac.

See?

So is it a bet or what?

I'll find a man.

Just you make sure I've got something to feed him.

I'll bring the food. You bring the meat.

You're going to regret this, Thompson.

This is going to be the meal of a lifetime.

Well, in that case, we both better get shopping.

What have I got myself into?

The usual.

And it's about up to your neck.

Hello, tunic of that.

What?

Now, keep in mind he's been concussed and we've still got him heavily sedated,

so... It's entirely possible he won't know who you are.

I see.

We wouldn't have come if we'd known he was that bad. Yeah, you guys could have

just told him we'd visited.

Well, feel free to sit with him for a while, but unless he wakes himself up,

please make no attempt to bring him round.

Don't worry, we'll let the herd.

Fred, why are you listening?

What? Concast, he won't know who you are.

Right. I was going to ask him to have dinner with me.

Linda, you've upset him now.

Hi, Fred.

What happened?

It's probably best if you don't think about it just yet. You were mugged,

though. You were found unconscious and kind of roughed up in an alleyway off

Hartford Road. We assume you were mugged because your wallet was missing.

So, where's Spike?

Well, he came along, but we lost him somewhere. You know how it is. This

is full of nurses.

But do you get it, though? I mean, it's such an ugly uniform.

So uncomfortable.

So you really don't remember anything, then?

No.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just a bit tired.

Oh, sure.

You get some sleep.

And we'll tell Spike to make another try. I'm sure he'll make it this far

sometime.

And Fred, if there's anything you want, you just contact the newsroom. We'll see

to it.

All right?

He's asleep.

Does that mean we can go now?

No! It is exceptionally unwise to venture into the back streets of any

without some knowledge of unarmed combat.

Or perhaps the flamethrower in your signet ring.

Odd places, hospitals, aren't they?

You don't exist.

You're a character from a TV show I used to watch when I was a kid.

Sorry, I just thought I'd mention it.

You know, the head nurse here reminds me rather of Baroness von Sternin, the

famous German assassin.

Oh, good.

It's not her, of course.

The Baroness died a few years ago when she inadvertently wore one of her own

exploding necklaces to the opera.

Tragic business.

The lead soprano was terrified about being a high E ever again.

They're crazy.

What's crazy, Franz?

Colonel X was a kid's TV series ten years ago.

It got axed because the actor that played you died in a car crash.

John England.

Does the name mean anything to you?

Should it? Well, you're wearing his face.

I'm not currently in one of my disguises, Fraz.

I checked before I came out.

It's funny, isn't it? I mean, most people, they get knocked on the head,

get a migraine or something like that. I start picking up kids' television.

Perhaps you'd better rest now, Fraz. You're talking rather oddly.

Not unlike my mother did.

shortly before I discovered she'd been replaced by an identical robot replica.

I still pray I blew out the right one.

You're right.

You don't exist, but you're right.

Rest now, Franz.

We have much to do when your strength is restored.

I'll return when the moment is propitious.

And if I may, I'll leave you my card.

Whatever you say.

And remember, Franz, expect the unexpected.

Always expect the unexpected.

Look, why don't you just tell Spike you give in? Because I'd rather die than let

Spike win anything ever.

Why? You know what he's like. He's so competitive.

Oh, well, I keep telling him there's only one guy left who hasn't turned you

down.

He's your last shot.

Colin, I'm not going to beat about the bush. I'd like to have dinner with you.

Take it or leave it.

What?

I find you very attractive.

So take that look off your stupid face.

Attractive? Yes.

Is that so surprising?

Well, there is that rule you've got about me being in the same room while

eating. And remember that time I accidentally touched your hand? You

over a desk.

That was flirting.

It's just dinner for two with no one else around.

Except Spike. He'll be cooking.

He said yes.

Oh, and he may need some medical attention.

We got a call from your head office. They want all the locks changed on these

doors.

Apparently, you got some newspaper reporters sneaking around trying to take

look at your files.

Miss Madden, could I ask you to step outside and push the key under the door,

please? Certainly.

I'll just be a few minutes.

Right, so where were we? You were having this crazy dream in hospital about

Colonel X visiting you. Yeah, you've got Colonel X in the States, right? Yeah,

sure, but never in person.

So in the dream, yeah, just before he leaves, Colonel X says he's going to

me one of his calling cards.

Oh, I remember those. A card with a big black X on them, right? Right.

So anyway, in the morning, I found this.

In the box of chocolates that Julie gave me.

What?

Turn it over.

An official Colonel X calling card.

Just to remind you what's waiting when you get back to work.

Love, Julie.

Well, it must have given you an interesting few moments.

You're not kidding.

Okay, right. Back to work, huh?

Excuse me.

Mr. Martingale said I could use the photocopier. Of course. It's right

Thanks.

Did you really think you'd seen the light of me?

Did you really think it would be so easy?

You're a fool, Dr. Freeways.

Now tell me, which of the royal family did you replace seven years ago with a

robot replica?

I see no reason why I shouldn't tell you.

It was him.

No, no, no. Go away.

Go away!

Not

heading

off then?

No, I don't want to go home yet.

Well, you can't stay here too long, I'm afraid. It's Linda's big meal here

tonight with Colin, would you believe?

You all right?

You've been really quiet all day.

I'm fine.

Well, hang in there.

The moment

has come, Fred.

I need your assistance in a matter of the gravest importance.

Look, no offence, would you just get out of my head, please?

I don't like socialising with fictional characters.

That's interesting.

Actually, Kraus, I was once a fictional character.

The diabolical St. John Squareheart used his deadly fictionalising ray on me.

Fictionalising ray?

Exactly. I spent two weeks as a minor character in Hound of the Baskervilles.

Of course you did.

Fortunately, I managed to escape, along with Desmond Hargrove, another character

from that fine mystery novel.

I've read Hound of the Baskervilles. There's no -one called Desmond Hargrove,

there?

Well, there isn't now.

Look, what I'm trying to say is you're just my imagination.

And I must admit, it's better than I thought it was. I don't quite follow

you're saying, Kraz.

I got a knock on the head. I started seeing characters from some kid's show.

I need to complain myself to a symptom of concussion. You seem to have a higher

opinion of me in your youth. You sent me some very nice letters. I was

particularly touched by your request for one of my machine gun walking canes.

Hi, Pitt.

Hi.

Now I, your childhood hero, turn up and ask for help and find my request

ignored.

Oh, how are you?

I'm fine.

Very well, then. Since you are treating me as if I don't exist, I will leave now

and return later this evening.

When, I calculate, events will have reached their terrible crisis.

Hitler, you're probably wondering why I was talking to myself when you came in

back there.

No, not really.

Franz, can I ask you a question?

Sure. Why are you ignoring that man?

You can see him? Of course I can see him. Hi.

Good evening, dear lady.

You're cute.

People can see you?

I told you at the very beginning, Franz.

Expect the unexpected.

I'm glad you didn't tell me to go away this time, Mr. Davis.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I thought you were someone else. I'm Dr. Clipstone

from the Norbridge Psychiatric Hospital.

I think you and I ought to discuss John England.

He's kind of late, isn't he?

Maybe something's happened.

He'll be here.

If there was a problem, he'd have told me by now.

I'll just get that excuse.

Phone.

I'll just get that phone.

Hello, Junior Gazette.

Hello, Colin.

I see.

No, that's fine.

I understand.

Die soon, Colin.

Colin won't be able to make it.

He's been unavoidably kidnapped by terrorists.

I should be touched really.

He even went to the trouble of having people shouting in the background in

foreign accents.

It's amazing how far people go to avoid spending an evening with me.

Pretending to be kidnapped is not that far.

He offered to send one of his fingers as proof.

You were right, Spike.

People don't like me. Hey, come on.

Maybe I'm finally learning that being smart and being right isn't a license to

treat people like dirt.

Wendy, you're talking all kind of sane and nice.

Nobody move.

I am Colonel X.

Oh, now I get it. This is a dream.

Colonel X?

Like on the television?

Can you see him too?

Of course he can see me. I'm not wearing my invisibility cloak.

Actually, I couldn't find it.

This is wild.

I don't normally get them this vivid.

Spike, you're not dreaming.

I know.

You wait any second. Now this room's going to be full of nurses.

I'm sorry, Spike. You're wide awake.

He's really here.

You were really being sane.

I'm delighted you've decided to believe in me, Brad.

Yeah, Dr. Clipstone, I was right. He's here.

Could you get over to the newsroom as quickly as possible?

Dr. Clipstone.

The name seems vaguely familiar.

I have a problem, Colonel X. I was wondering if I could talk to you about

Of course.

See, there was once a guy named John England.

Funny thing, he looked exactly like you.

Ah, a robot. No, an axer.

It's a bit of a sad story, really.

He was killed in a car accident along with his wife.

That is a sad story.

Yes, but there's a twist.

See, he didn't actually really die.

His wife did, but he survived.

The press misreported the story and his family decided not to correct the

mistake. How strange.

Why not?

Out of kindness, perhaps?

See, John England couldn't quite cope with what had happened. He began to lose

it a bit.

Ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

And now he thinks he's you.

I was wondering, Colonel X, if you had any advice.

I think I know what you're trying to say to me, Fraz. You do?

I fear you were somewhat misguided.

Let us imagine this John England.

It is entirely possible that he's not a particularly happy man.

Perhaps he's become hopelessly typecast in one role, and his acting career is

effectively over.

He may even drink rather too much.

Possibly he even blames himself for the accident that killed his wife.

In those circumstances, is it so odd that he decides to become someone else?

Are you telling me he's happy at walking around thinking that he's Colonel X?

Why not?

After all, you'd have to be mad to be John England.

You're a very wise man, Colonel X.

Well, I've had some experience in the area of mental illness.

I've heard that. As a matter of fact, my departure from that field was rather

sudden.

I fear it may have caused some consternation.

Perhaps it's time I was getting back.

There's someone on their way.

I chose you well, Riles.

I'm sorry I've not had more time to make your acquaintance.

Spike Thompson.

We got a show in the States, sir. I loved it.

America is a fine young country, Spike, with a great deal of potential.

Thank you.

Linda Day.

Dear lady.

You remind me, rather, of my one true love.

Olga Romanov.

She was head of a Russian suicide squad, so our relationship was necessarily

brief.

Colonel X, would you have dinner with me?

I would be delighted.

Check this out for a date.

I take it you've just unlearned where you're going wrong in life.

Get cooking, Sulla.

I think everything's under control.

Could you maybe give it a couple more hours?

Bon appetit.

Thank you.