Original subtitles

And at 11 o 'clock, we've got more cartoon crazy stuff with the Karate

They're my favourite. I just love those little pig guys.

In just a few moments, we'll be taking a look at some of the crazy stuff,

drawings and paintings you've been sending in. But first, something really

different, something really special.

The Junior Gazette, a voice for today's youth. Now, that's what I call good

news. And this morning, we're going to be talking to the editor.

Linda Day.

Matter of fact, I think she might be in Cool Cat's den right now.

Cool Cat?

Hey, that's right, Zach.

So get over here and say a big hello to Linda Day.

Hi, Linda.

Good morning.

Are you feeling cool?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, Linda, tell us about the Junior Gazette. How did it all start, then?

Well... Hang on, Zach.

You said I could interview her. Hey, cool cat, it's my turn.

You always take the pretty ones for yourself.

Isn't that cat terrible?

Well, it's not very convincing.

Right.

He just needs you to play with him a little bit, that's all.

What? Go on. A quick scratch behind the ears, that's how to shut up a stupid

animal. Well, if that's what it takes.

Now. Are we going to do this interview?

They said it was going to be a serious interview. That's why I came along.

Yeah, right, sure, yeah.

I'm kind of into serious stuff myself.

Yeah, so let's get serious.

Now, it says here you started the newspaper when you were in the sixth

Norbridge High School.

And since then you've left school and you've started running the paper

commercially. And you're even expanding the distribution into some nearby towns

and cities.

Is that right? That's right. We're all very excited.

Can't leave you much time for boyfriends.

Pardon? You know, boyfriends. You can't have much time for them.

Actually, I've managed to solve that problem.

Really? How?

An escort agency.

They're very good.

Just give them your favourite height and shoulder width and you've got some

beefcake on your arm before you know it. Mind if I give the telephone number? I

promised them a plug.

Don't you think that was a ridiculously patronising question?

I expected a serious interview.

What I didn't expect was to find myself talking to an improbable -looking

domestic pet that has somehow acquired the power of speech.

You talking about my cat?

No. Listen, Linda, I think maybe you're getting the wrong end of the stick.

Strangely enough, I don't particularly feel like taking advice from a man who

spends his time behind a sofa with his arm up an artificial cat.

Ah, right.

Shall I tell you something about the Junior Gazette?

We always make the assumption that we're dealing with people with a certain

degree of intelligence.

Maybe if this show didn't think of its audience as a backward three -year -old

with the attention span of a goldfish, I wouldn't currently be attempting

conversation with an unconvincing puppet and a prat on wheels. Good morning!

Whoa!

We'll take a break now.

Back in a moment.

Julie Craig.

Remember me?

Well, I'll certainly keep you in mind. No.

Do you remember me? I used to run your graphics department.

Oh, yeah. We did used to have a blonde in there.

Are you Sam?

Sam came after me.

He was blonde, too.

There were two of those?

Yeah.

Right, well, I've got to go.

It's been great talking over old times.

Oh, so you've left the paper.

See you around, Linda.

So how was I?

Hmm. You should get your own series.

We'll be going on to the cemetery at ten, all right?

Why don't you have some tea first?

Linda,

it's good of you to come.

It's a pleasure.

Well, it's not exactly a pleasure, but a nice house.

We're going to the cemetery at ten. Great.

Okay.

This is serious, right?

I think that is the prevailing mood.

So who's going to be our new owner?

Linda, we haven't buried the old one yet.

I admire your optimism, but I think it's going to happen.

This could be bad news for us.

We're already on our way for the in -profit margin with the expansion thing,

you only could just decide we're not worth it and pull the plugs altogether,

just when we were really getting somewhere.

Speaking of bad news, we're still at the funeral of a man who died one week

before his 57th birthday. Yeah, that's sad, too.

You're a lady of unexpected depths, Linda, to which you regularly think.

OK, so it's rough on Campbell as well, but at least he won't have to worry

the employment of 23 people tomorrow morning.

See the guy nearest the window? The one doing all the talking?

Bobby Campbell, the nephew.

David didn't have any immediate family, so Bobby inherits the papers.

What did he do?

A lot, according to him.

He wanted to bet me he could strike two major deals before we hit the church.

He was betting on deals at a funeral?

It looks as if I'm going to lose.

That's who's going to decide our future.

I'll see if I can shake him loose and get him to come over. You ought to meet

him. Why, do you think he's made the decision already?

Well, let's see.

Thanks.

Sarah?

Sarah? Coming.

Who's my assistant editor this week?

Where's Julian? He was doing really well. He's doing even better, now that

managed to lose the stammer and doesn't flinch at loud noises.

So he's not coming in?

Do you really think it's reasonable to keep punishing people for not being

Kenny?

Well, they're not, are they?

Can't someone else do this stupid job?

Had to be Linda's assistant for a week?

No, I think I want to concentrate more on mail delivery.

Really loved around here, aren't I?

Don't start this again.

I can't even meet a guy who can bear to stay on the same continent.

Kenny's off to Australia, Spike's back in America.

Linda, you're off again.

See what I mean?

Look, I think you're going to have to forget about Spike.

And Kenny, for that matter.

We need to find someone else who can stand sitting here, which isn't an easy

trick.

Have we tried everyone? Everyone who was willing?

It didn't seem to take long. No.

Anyway, I've got work to do.

Hello again.

Oh, hi.

Sarah, you remember Sam?

Yeah, I do.

Good to see you again, Julie. And you. Love the hair.

Listen, I'll catch up with you in a moment. Stuff to do.

Sure, I remember.

Don't mind Sarah. Julie was the girl before you.

Yeah, I heard.

So what can I do for you?

You know the show I work on now? Crazy stuff. The one you did.

Well... You're a big hit. We've got tons of letters.

You're kidding me. No, honest.

And in fact, we were wondering if you'd be interested in coming back.

Frazz?

You OK?

I just got fired.

That can't be right.

Must be some kind of mis...

I've just got this letter.

What's going on?

I don't believe this.

Linda, you were a natural.

All the kids hate that cat. They loved it when you slagged it off. It's not an

experience I want to repeat. That's final. Linda, in a moment, Sarah. It's

urgent, really urgent.

Well, I've got to go anyway. I just thought I'd copy on your child. No,

What are you doing?

I know what you're all thinking.

But this has got nothing to do with me. As if I'd sell the Junior Gazette. And

I'm sick and tired of these endless accusations.

What accusations?

Just cut it out, OK?

I'll see you guys around. Colin, what are you on about?

I don't have to put up with it.

You'd better read this.

You listening to me?

Colin, one lousy time I threw an ashtray, that doesn't mean I'm going to

at every meeting. We're fighting for survival here, Linda, unarmed.

Come on, then.

Besides, we're not doing meeting here. We're making a pitch, which is my

department. You'll only get mad at him. Look, this Bobby Campbell fella sounds

like a right sleazy, money -grabbing lowlife.

Just my type of guy.

Bobby Campbell.

Great to meet you. I'm Colin Matthews.

This is my editor, Linda Day. You've obviously already met Matt.

OK, Guy, but lay stuff a bit straight.

We'll talk.

Can I just say, concerning your uncle's death, bum it.

When you're talking about David Campbell, you're talking about my

guy.

Thank you.

I mean, Dave Campbell.

He was much more to us than just a signature on a pile of checks, and I

mean that.

He was dad to the whole news team. He was pop.

He was the old man. Your uncle, Bobby, was my father.

Can I make a point here?

Are you sure?

We're covens.

The Junior Gazette is closing.

No further discussion.

I really respect bluntness, Bobby. Now listen to me.

Your paper doesn't sell enough.

It doesn't make enough money.

So it's finished.

And I'm closing it. Understood?

Understood? Bluntness city.

Fine.

Matt!

Can we discuss what you're charging for advertising?

I don't see enough money coming in for that.

Could you get me the number of the Crazy Stuff production office?

Julie Craig, essentially, if possible.

I'll be in Colin's office.

Sure.

Linda.

What's happening?

What's happening, Fraz, is we've got two more editions to put out before the

paper terminates. What's the point?

I mean, party's over, right? So what's the point?

The point, Fraz, is we are being closed down because we don't sell enough

papers. Which is fine. Which is perfectly fair. I have no quarrel with

This is business, after all.

So it's simple enough, isn't it?

We've got to up our sales figures so much, Bobby Campbell would be mad to

us off.

We've got two weeks to be too good to miss.

You're all very quiet for people running for their lives.

I've got the number.

You're really going to plug us on the air? Will they allow that?

It's live. I won't tell them I'm going to.

This is your big chance, salesman. Double our profits.

Can't be done.

You have complete editorial control.

Put in the paper what you damn well like, but make people buy it.

It's completely impossible.

Fine. You've got a week.

Hi, Julie. It's Sarah Jackson. Linda for you.

Hi. Linda!

I changed my mind. I'll be there on Saturday.

Hey, great.

Let me tell you what we've got in mind. Tell me on the day.

One thing, though. Whatever I'm doing, I want it live. Nothing pre -recorded,

OK? Fine, sure. The whole show's live anyway.

I'll be in touch.

She went for it?

Well, she's no reason to suspect anything, has she?

Now, Colin.

That was her.

She went for it.

And she doesn't suspect a thing.

Hi,

it's the crazy stuff. And what have we got on the show for you today?

Well... Why don't I just tell you?

In half an hour, the Karate Pigs are facing the banners of death in a new two

-part story. And after that, we're going to be talking to some kids who found a

very unusual way of raising money for charity. But first, remember last week?

Remember the Junior Gazette and Linda Day?

Tough lady, right?

For those of you who missed it, we had a little interview game with her and she

went storming off because she didn't like our style.

Well, she hasn't held it against us because she's back with us this morning.

who knows, we may get a little of our own back.

Cool cat?

Hi, Zach.

I've got the lady herself sitting right next to me. So come on over and say

hello again.

Hi, Linda.

Good morning.

Feeling any cooler?

Still fine.

Hey, great.

Hi, Linda. Are you forgiveness?

Yeah, sure.

Listen, I've got something to say that may be a little unexpected.

Well, that's kind of funny. Because we've got something for you that's going

be really unexpected.

Hey, Zach?

That's right. You see, sometimes on the show, Linda, we like to spring little

surprises on our guests.

Surprises? That's right. You see, the last time you were on, we got a lot of

reactions. Why? People kind of wanted to know how you got to be so, well, bad

-tempered. And then someone got in touch who explained it all.

Even why you were so touchy on the subject of boyfriends.

What on earth are you talking about? We're about to give you the happiest

surprise of your life.

I can't watch this.

Because there's a guy out there you're just crazy about.

Someone who you don't think you're going to see again. Someone who, maybe,

brings out your softer side.

My what?

I don't know what they're dealing with.

Why don't you take a little look behind you?

Who's he?

Walt. Don't mind her, Zach. She's just overcome.

I've never seen this jerk before in my life. Hey, I resent that.

I'm the jerk you used to go out with.

Could you get rid of this person, please? Well, I could if you wanted to.

way, he tricked us flipping that cassette in the Dole's Walkman. I owe

that.

Is that what this is about?

Sure. Have I got style or what?

I'm not being unreasonable here.

I'm keeping my cool.

All I want is simply for this person to be removed from the studios and shot

dead. But you just said you'd never met him before. I suppose that's what you

call an instant dislike.

Tell me something, Thompson.

Do you actually enjoy doing this kind of thing in public?

Do I? Answer's on a postcard.

You're sick, you know that.

Look, guys, obviously this is a very emotional moment for both of you. I'm

Do you know what she did?

I put my heart out to this woman about how I feel about her. So she tapes it,

sticks the cassette in my girlfriend's Walkman.

That's sick.

How would you two like to come on our video panel? Shut up!

Right, fine.

Ever since the first day you came into my life, you've been screwing it up for

me. Why didn't I see you coming?

Didn't see me coming.

For the first six months, he was following me around my office, dragging

tongue. He left tracks.

This was not a one -way thing. If she saw me take off my jacket, we'd have to

hose her down. This is pathetic, isn't it? Phone in if you think this is

pathetic. Well, that's great, but I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.

Hey, you're getting worse. Do you know that?

You're a warped, repressed, power -mad bitch.

You don't have the morals of an alley cat. And you never made a friend that

didn't use.

Yeah? Well, you've got big lips.

Why, is that the best you can do? Try this.

Got a smart alley cancer for that, you shallow, show -off, American, lame

Well, I... That's just fine, but I'm afraid it's time to go over now to have

look at some of the pictures you've been sending in.

So... Sex and violence, I love children's television.

It wasn't much of a plug, was it? Oh, no.

You wait.

And finally, a surprise reunion on the children's Saturday morning show Crazy

Stuff caused some unexpected problems.

For me, the best thing on telly all week.

was on this Saturday morning kids' show where this guy and this girl are just

standing there slapping one another.

The moment when a couple of teenage sweethearts were reunited on a Saturday

morning kids' show. Eavesdropper. I happened to be watching a Saturday

children's show and I saw this young girl being confronted by a boyfriend she

thought had left her.

I mean, it was disgusting. Spike and Linda are coming back on the show.

Well, we're not sure because we haven't been able to get in touch. But we'll let

you know when we do.

Absolutely.

What are you doing in here? Get out!

Oh, please.

Look, I'll sign one and the rest of you can copy it. You'll never know, right?

Now out of here, the lot of you.

Are you going to marry Spike?

No, I'm not.

Do you love him?

No, I don't.

That was quite a kiss.

Actually, he presses too hard and he's always a bit wet. Now, out.

Hi.

Good to see you back.

I've been everywhere trying to drum up support for the paper.

All anyone ever wants to know is whether I'm going to marry Spike Thompson.

It's not looking good, Sarah.

How's Colin doing on the next edition?

Fine.

It's tough being a star, eh? I get recognised everywhere I go.

I had to start wearing these.

Ah, I keep getting recognised.

I'll have to stop wearing these.

What are you doing here?

I thought you guys were going out of business.

I won't be able to work in this country without the Junior Gazette.

Thanks for giving me the bright side.

Uh, Linda, about that kid.

We'll talk about that later.

Fine, sure.

The slapping we'll talk about now. Look, before you guys start, I think you'd

better see what Colin's doing with the next edition.

It's possible you may not be entirely enthusiastic.

Okay, remember, it's a pound just to look, but it's a fiver if you actually

to sit in the chair, okay? Kevin, where's Colin? It's on the front page.

Let me see that.

Are you crazy romantic, kids?

Are we more than...

Doubled the amount of news agents placing orders. I've made them all sign

-year contract before they get the special.

Boy, are we making a killing on advertising space.

Isn't love great?

This is the lowest kind of news, Colin.

Hey, but it's selling right. By the way, can you both think there's a

possibility of a record release?

Colin! And we're getting together a treatment for a television series.

Don't worry, Spike, we'll get a genuine American to play you.

I don't believe this. You're using our personal lives to publicise the paper.

Look. Someone's going to do a biggie on this story. At least if it's us, it'll

be done with tact, taste and discretion.

With free Spike and Linda dolls!

Colin!

I heard they were both in. Can we do the photo now, yeah?

Hey, sure.

As long as you remember the deal.

One photo on the front page, two months, three printing. I think that's fair.

OK, Brian.

I take it we're back in business now?

Hey, I was only joking about that stuff.

Didn't you tell?

Fine. Get out of my newsroom.

Great.

She's just like she is on the telly.

Linda, you know you don't have to thank me.

I think it might be a good idea if you contact your next of kin right now.

I'm grateful, Colin.

I'm so grateful I could kill you. In fact, I think I'm going to.

Can I just make a point here?

What is your problem?

You've got your boyfriend and the newspaper back. What more do you want?

Keep out of this, Sam.

It's Julie.

Not Sam. Julie.

And you're only pretending you forget to annoy me.

Well, it does annoy me, so cut it out.

Think of the fact that you wouldn't still be sitting in that chair if it

for me setting you up with Spike and Colin making you a star.

Don't you think some thank yous are in order?

Thank you, Colin.

That didn't sound very sincere, did it? Don't push it, lame brain. That is

enough, Linda.

Is something bugging you, Julie?

I've never seen anyone behave like this in the newsroom.

Well, anyone else?

The crazy staff production team got a rocket for that stuff happening on

Children's Hour.

Naturally enough, me being the most junior person on the show, I was fired.

Welcome back.