Original subtitles

Look, we'll just fire Bennett and Simpson tomorrow and we'll leave Ross

next month. And the tall one from Features, I want him out too.

I just told you his name, the tall one.

What do you mean they're all tall?

We'll fire the tallest.

And the explosion on the south side, the chemicals factory, how are we covering

that? You've got to promise not to laugh. Promise?

It isn't funny for them.

I'm sure it isn't. This is a great story and I don't want to lose it. One giggle

out of you. Look, will you trust me? I'm not going to laugh.

Sarah, have you told him how serious it is?

As it happens, Kenny, this is not an amusing situation.

Kenny.

My nose is practically flat.

It's all part of the same thing. Take it seriously. I will. I promise.

So why is your finger stuck to your nose? You'll see.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Alec and Moira Connell, this is Kenny Phillips and Colin Matthews. Hi. Hello.

Sorry about me nose.

Hello. I can hardly breathe, you know.

As you can see, Colin is also a victim of Mr Maringo's curious sense of humour.

I don't think there's anything funny about this.

I may have to stick a straw up my nostril.

Alec, could you start by telling Kenny what you told me?

Well... First of all, we're not entirely sure it was Mr Moringa, are we, dear?

No, it just seems likely.

But in view of what you've told us. So, what's the problem? Divorce the bitch.

What? That's the problem. Divorce the bitch.

Sorry. Please, I did ask you, don't use that word. What word?

Problem. Divorce the bitch, darling.

Every time somebody says that word, Alex says divorce the bitch.

I can't help it. I just have to say it. Right, like I can't get me finger off me

nose.

The thing is, it's starting to affect my work.

Really?

I'm a marriage guidance counsellor.

Yeah, I can see how that might be a bit of a problem. Divorce the bitch!

Some information on Mr Moringo might help you out.

Oh, I see.

And what would you say if I told you Fras and I have a plan to catch Moringo

the act?

Anyway, Dave, got to go. It's two o 'clock and I'm only on item five of my

schedule.

That's right, Spike.

See you.

So, what do you think of the new office?

Fortieth floor.

Some elevator, right? I think I've got jet lag.

Up here you don't have to pray.

You just lean out the window.

Oh, I thought he'd be leaning in by now.

Well, sure. I was joking.

Right then, Spike. It's been lovely.

Wednesday, item six.

Doesn't look like we'll be able to afford Daniel Campbell's salary much

Suggest we sign him to a war zone.

Linda, you and I need to talk.

If you could manage to stop thinking about your precious schedule for maybe a

whole eight seconds, you and I need a serious talk.

Look, can we squeeze it in before seven? I'm out tonight.

No, cancel.

Spike, I can't. This guy's an important contact for me.

I need to keep on his good side.

Oh, really? And what interesting joint activities will that involve?

Don't be disgusting.

I'm just going to butter him up.

Look, this is perfectly straightforward and aboveboard. I'm simply going out for

a pleasant social evening with a good friend in order to further my career.

So it wouldn't be the slightest bit awkward if I was to come along?

Why would it be?

Good.

One thing, though.

What?

Could you bring a date?

That's it. I've had it with you.

Well, I've had it with you, too. You're becoming pathetic.

And you're becoming a work -obsessed, amoral megalomaniac.

I'm sorry, Spike. It's too late to try and get back in with me.

I'm out of here for good. You've said it before, Thompson. You've been saying it

since the Junior Gazette. You have a fat chance I had back then. You stole my

passport, remember?

Well, you could have got a new one. It isn't difficult.

You stayed because you wanted to. Because I wanted to.

I had Zoe waiting for me back in the States.

Zoe? You're still on about Zoe?

Spike, she was a glammed -up airhead bimbo. Yeah, and she really liked me.

Well, I never stopped you seeing her.

Linda, you ran a front -page feature exposing her as the head of an

international drug syndicate.

She's doing life. I suppose next you'll be saying I'm jealous.

I'm just going to tell you one thing, Linda Day.

If I ever got a shot at doing my whole life over again, no way are you going to

be part of it. Oh, I see.

And it would be happy ever after with Zoe, would it?

It might just be.

Well, go for it.

What do you mean?

Isn't it obvious?

This is a dream, dummy.

Hello. Spike, hi, it's Kenny.

Oh, Kenny.

Listen, can I interest you in the weirdest story in Junior Gazette

What? You OK?

Fine, I just woke up, that's all.

Listen, we need you to go to the theatre with Linda.

Linda.

Hey, Kenny, can I ask you a really dumb question?

Of course, as long as I can snigger about it with my friends afterwards.

Do you think dreams can predict the future?

What? Well, you know, like, tell you how things are going to turn out and that

sort of stuff.

Hang on, there's somebody at the door.

All right, no problem.

Divorce the bitch.

Guess I got a little tired of waiting for you to come home.

Zoe!

He really is astonishing.

The best hypnotist act I've ever seen.

He gets his people up on the stage and you can't imagine what he gets them

doing.

Poor suckers.

So, try and get down here and see him. I think we could do business.

Oh, one problem. He's got a kind of funny sense of humour.

You know, sending people out still doing all kinds of weird stuff.

He made a maths teacher forget the number five. That sort of thing.

I don't know why he does it, really. Probably some sort of self -publicity

thing. Anyway, I've just been in talking to him and I think I got somewhere.

I told him that if we're going to represent him, he's going to have to cut

stuff out.

I think he got the message.

Look, I'll be back in London sometime this afternoon. Let's get together, talk

some things over.

Can you hear me clearly enough?

I can't quite make you out.

I think there's something wrong with this phone.

Linda!

You took your time.

Behind schedule, am I?

Hey, I'm joking.

Mike, you're exactly one minute late. I'm not going to hound you for that.

What kind of monster do you think I am? Yeah, right.

Sorry. You can easily make up the time tomorrow.

Now, did Kenny tell you the plan? To trap our mad hypnotist. He was vague.

Look, before we get down to that, Linda, we need to talk.

Yeah, you're right. We'd better.

You want to as well, without checking your diary first?

Well, I think we all.

Well, it never occurred to me that you'd send something wrong, too.

No offense, but do you mind if I go first?

No, I'm not.

Time's kind of hard.

I almost get embarrassed. Isn't that crazy?

Okay, my problem is this, Linda.

It's kind of like a choice, you know.

Zoe, my girl back in the States.

Okay, so she's a bit of a bimbo. She's not too bright.

Well, she's nothing compared to you in any department, and I don't deny it.

But... She's easy to be with.

Easy on my life.

But I know we never quite got it together this time around.

And maybe here and now is not the time and the place to say it.

And believe me, I'll deny I ever did say it to your face if necessary.

But you are something special in the day.

Not easy, no way easy, but very, very special.

Where's all this going?

I don't know.

Maybe the same place you are. You wanted to talk too.

I just wanted to check the equipment was working.

How's it doing, Fred?

Fine. Every word. Clear as a bell. Good. Hi, Spike.

Hi, Spike.

Hi. Bill, this is Spike.

Hi. It's Phil's equipment we've been using.

You guys were listening?

Didn't Kenny tell you about this?

Sarah? This guy Maringo's been pulling some pretty unfunny tricks on anyone he

can get his hands on in every town he's played.

Tell me about it.

And to think I was offered him my personal management.

So you and I knock on his dressing room door and say we're fans.

On past evidence, he's likely to try something with us. And we've got him on

tape. Not to mention on our front page.

You guys were listening?

Come on, let's get started.

Didn't it occur to you that that was a private conversation?

Don't be silly. Everyone was listening.

I know.

I said some private and personal stuff there. It wasn't that private and

personal. Oh, it was, really.

Do you want to play that?

Give me that.

Did you actually manage to listen to one word that I said to you while I was

pouring my heart out?

I'll get a moment later.

I'll say one thing for her. She's got a great way of stopping me from feeling

guilty.

Guilty about what?

Hello, Junior Gazette.

No, she's not here at the moment. Can I take a message?

I'm putting you on hold.

Kenny? Yeah? It's the American Embassy in London.

They want to talk to Linda about a stolen passport.

Oh, sorry to disturb you, Mr Maringo.

We were wondering if we could have an autograph.

Excuse me, Amanda.

What are they going to do to us?

Nothing he won't undo once he finds out who we are. If he succeeds in doing

anything at all, that is.

It's you and me because we're strong personalities. We only have to catch him

the attempt.

I thought it was just you had strong personalities.

Thanks from both of us. This is good stuff.

Jackpot.

I do still need to talk to you.

Look, I've still got the tape. About my passport.

Sorry about that.

Do come in.

Thank you.

How about a little demonstration?

We've got him.

Hello, can I help you?

I'm looking for Linda Day.

He's not in right now.

Well, we need to speak to her very urgently.

We have information that she has stolen a passport.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you how very serious this is.

No, you don't.

The passport must be returned immediately.

And you must be Zoe.

I think the American embassy getting involved is a long shot.

Anyway, I just phoned them, and they don't have a call through to us.

So who's female, American, and wants Spike to get his passport back?

You must be Kenny.

Now grip hard.

Hard as you can.

As if you're never going to let go.

That's right.

So, um, we're in England.

I'll be back in the States by tomorrow with Spike.

If you can find Spike's passport.

We'll find it.

Look, has it occurred to you that if he really wanted to go back, he could have

got a new one by now?

Look, Spike said he'd be back here at 5 o 'clock. He promised me that, and

that's all there is to it.

has been taped.

Spike, this better not be you with some lame -brained excuse.

It's just like Colin with his nose.

You really can't budge those fingers?

Yes.

Hi, Zoe.

Hey, listen, this is going to be quite hard to explain.

Then don't. Spike, if you're not back here in ten minutes, we're finished.

Understand? Finished?

I don't believe this.

So Zoe's back.

You might have told me. You might have let me.

Sorry, it looks like you're stuck.

It'll wear off. Come on, let's get back to the newsroom. Hey, no way. I've got

to get back and see Zoe.

I've no particular wish to meet Zoe, thank you.

And if I don't get back and explain this, I'm a dead man.

Well, look on the bright side. When she sees you hand in hand with me, you're a

dead man anyway. Sarah Paul.

Grant me a hand.

Colin, you'd better go on my end.

I'll just take the time. Damn it, we all let go. I can't, and neither can you.

Then you're coming with me.

Mike, this is ridiculous. I don't want to meet Zoe. It's going to be very

embarrassing for me.

through and go and see if you can get something together. Maybe three columns.

It's not your average romance, is it?

Colin, I... Yeah?

Wrong hand, Colin.

Shh.

Zoe?

Zoe?

Zoe?

I can hear you, as a matter of fact.

It took a long time getting back.

Yeah, well, I'm going.

Look, I got something I need to explain to you here.

If it's got anything to do with Linda Day, Spike, I'm going to kill you.

Ah, I see.

You know why I'm not looking at you, Spike?

Because when you're lying, I can always see it in your face.

So if you don't answer this next question truthfully, I'm going to throw

Walkman at you.

Is there anything between you and Linda Day? Of course not.

Hey, what was that for? I'm telling you the truth. There was nothing between me

and Linda Day. Oh, I'm sorry, Spike. It's just, well... I was talking to that

Kenny guy earlier, and I guess he got me a bit worked up.

Well, that's Kenny for you. Brutal with women.

Your uncle said he wouldn't be back till quite late.

How late?

What's wrong?

Well, it's getting dark outside. He might get attacked by criminals.

What are you talking about?

Shut up and put your arm around me.

What, now?

Yes, now.

Spike, we haven't been together for a week.

Why don't you put your arm around me?

Well, it's such a big step.

Spike. Okay, okay.

I'll put my arm around you.

I will.

I'm just about to.

Here we are.

That's better.

She's a real bitch settling today, isn't she?

Well, that's kind of a tricky question.

Tricky? She stole your passport.

She's a cold -hearted, selfish bitch.

Ouch. Ouch.

Spike, stop. You're hurting me. I am?

Spike, stop it. I'll stop.

Right now.

And I'll give it a rub.

You're in a real crazy mood.

I just had to kiss you better.

Spike! Sorry, just a twitch.

You are in control of this hand, aren't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, complete control.

Spike! Stop getting hysterical!

You're getting hysterical. I had to slap your face.

You are out of your mind.

No, no, I'm not. I'm not.

Spike!

What have I done to your arm?

I expect you're surprised to see me.

Oh, by the way.

I believe this is yours.

Zoe!

Didn't go that smoothly, did it?

Hello, Linda Date.

Linda, I found out the truth about the hypnotist story.

Get back to the newsroom as fast as you can.

Zoe. I'm telling you the truth.

And here comes the proof.

Looks like Colin got his nose fixed.

Sorry we're a bit late. I'll let Mr Moringa do the talking.

His name's John Hardy, by the way.

I'll keep this brief as it's hardly in my interest to annoy you any further.

Alex Connell has never been a marriage guidance counsellor.

He's also never been hypnotised.

He was pretending to because he was paid to, as was the man you saw outside the

theatre talking to his shoe, as were all my other victims, apart from Colin.

He was the one who paid them.

You're his manager, aren't you?

You set this whole thing up to get in publicity on our front page.

I'm afraid that's correct.

You'd be surprised how good this kind of publicity can be.

Sorry,

Linda. That damn bullet wound.

During the gun siege, while I was negotiating for your life.

I'll just put it down and lie down.

Try not to worry.

Go on. One thing you must understand is I never expected to succeed in

hypnotising you two.

Why? Because I'm a fake.

Well, I don't know.

The nearest I can figure is that you two must have a great need to hang on to

each other.

Mr. Marengo, I think we should step outside for a chat.

Yes, yes, of course.

Spike, we're booked on a 6 a .m. flight tomorrow.

If you love me and not her, you'll be able to let go.

Well Spike, can you let me go?

My Junior Gazette rule book?

There's no such thing.

at 35 ,000 feet with a ground speed of 600 miles an hour.

Good flying weather, and we hope to be touching down in California in about 10

hours' time.

That'll be 8 a .m. local time.

So settle back in your seats and enjoy the flight.

Regrets?

No, not really.

It's like a story that came to its natural end.

Yeah.

Morning, Kenny.

Morning, boss.

You seem very cheery today.

Maybe it's because I'm ending one chapter of my life and starting a whole

one, full of new excitements and new challenges.

Linda, you know that tape Sarah told me about? The one where Spike calls Zoe a

bimbo and says that you're terrific?

I'd love to hear it sometime.

You know what, Kenny?

I think I may have misplaced it somewhere.

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