Original subtitles

Hi. Hi.

New around here, right?

I started this morning.

Well, look, things can be a little bit confusing around here at first, so if

need any help, any advice, anything at all, I'm available.

Yeah? Yeah, sure.

I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Excuse me.

This is going to seem a little weird.

I've never met you before, right?

But last night, I had the most incredible dream.

Know what?

You were in it.

That's a terrible chat -up line.

This your first time?

Hi.

Spike Thompson.

Yeah. No, thanks.

There's only one possible explanation.

She's a man.

Linda.

Something I need to talk to you about.

Something personal.

Is it on the agenda for the new team meeting?

I can't talk about it at a meeting.

It's a personal, private matter.

Well, I'm sure no -one will mind.

Linda.

Look, Linda. Jenny. Have you got time for a five?

A what? A five. That's fast lane talk for a five -minute meeting. Pass it on.

No, no, I haven't. Look, I've got a concept I want your input on.

Why don't I download some data on you, see if the cat makes it up?

What are you planning, Colin?

Ken, have you ever considered being a male model?

Sorry, I put that wrong. Hear me out.

It's not as bad as it sounds, kiddo.

Advertising.

Promotion.

A photograph of you reading the Junior Gazette.

Well, because you're the type of guy we want buying our product. You're the type

of image we want to project.

Look, a photograph of you, Kenny, representing decency.

Wholesome family values, depth, integrity, seriousness, stripped to the

What?

Well, it might be a hot day.

Colin, I draw the line at nude photography.

Kenny, you have a thong. Stripped to the waist.

And don't tell me you are Spike first.

Oh, Linda, actually.

A letter from my grandfather.

It's 54 years old. And the question is, do I tell him what it says?

Come in. Leave it on the desk.

Checks in the post.

Hi.

Hi.

Friends of yours?

No, no, those are teddy bears.

Oh, I see. Sorry.

Yeah. Got them cheap, as a matter of fact. Rejected design.

Can't imagine why.

Neither can I.

Especially as the bubble is this handy knife.

Kind of a dangerous toy, don't you think?

Yeah, but on the bright side, it's safer than an average knife.

Right.

Listen, I... Not on direct heat.

They combust.

Oh, and watch those paws. I nearly lost a finger.

My name's Judy.

Judy Wellman.

It's a nice name.

And yours?

It's nice, too.

Would you try and be a little bit more specific?

Thanks. It's Colin Matthews, by the way.

Thanks. Colin, I think you'd better know.

I don't believe in hanging around.

When I see something I want, I go for it.

You must be thinking I'm kind of forward.

Oh, no, no, you're just the right shape.

Oh, you mean... Let me kind of pop the question.

Look, sorry about mentioning your shape.

It's not that noticeable, honestly.

Well, not that I'm saying you're shape -less.

I mean, you're not. I mean, it's probably just the way you dress.

Colin. Do you want to go out?

Yes, yes.

Thanks.

I meant on a date, Colin.

Oh, right.

Dearest Sean, how could you think I wouldn't reply to your letter?

Even if the answer was no, do you really think I wouldn't write back?

But anyway, the answer could only ever be yes.

Darling, of course I accept your proposal, and I'm the happiest woman

know that I will soon be... your wife.

Did you see the stamp? Canadian.

All my love and eagerly awaiting your next letter, Christine.

Except she never got the letter, because my grandfather never got this one.

And it seemed to work.

Ditto, Christine.

What's on your mind?

Do you realise...

If it wasn't for a coincidence of floorboard repair and post -50 -odd

I wouldn't exist.

I just find that weird, scary, that my whole life is the result of some dumb

mistake.

I feel like I'm not supposed to be here.

Is this sounding like really dumb and stupid?

Yeah.

Come on, let's get some more coffees and see who we can find from graphics.

Oh, well, I'm sorry if my problems are not providing enough entertainment for

you, Linda. Don't be like that, Kenny. They usually do.

Two coffees, please. One black, one white, and a couple of those mince

I want to discuss this.

Kenny, what's the point? You'll only start going on about philosophy and

and the meaning of life. I hate those.

Actually, forget the biscuits. He's putting on weight.

Try and understand.

I want to discuss a problem I'm having with my closest friend.

Haven't you got any other problems?

Specifically, the problem I have concerning the letter.

But I don't like that one.

I am not putting on weight. I will have those biscuits, thank you.

Just the one, though.

Look, let me put it another way. A really different way.

Remember that time I kept getting the wrong number?

Remember when I was trying to phone my aunt?

All right, yeah, the girl in Dublin.

He fell in love with the wrong number.

Look, I really clicked with that girl. And suppose I had actually found out her

number and we'd met up?

It's possible, I'm only saying possible, that we could have ended up someday

together. No, married, with kids or whatever.

Some people get over a wrong number faster than this.

That's not the point I'm making.

I just think of all the yet unborn whose future existence could depend on

something as dumb as a wrong number.

Actually, forget the coffees. I'm worried about his blood pressure too.

Linda, do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, but so what?

Don't you find it alarming that your whole life could be the result of a

pointless, meaningless accident?

You know, just simple coincidence.

Hey, Janice. Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late. Don't worry.

I'm down.

Trip over. We can marry.

Well, you're here now.

Tell me, how's Dublin?

I've booked you a table tomorrow night at the Golden Pheasant. That's a hotel.

was just thinking dinner.

There's a restaurant in the hotel, Colin.

And it's very nice. Perfect for the first date. Can't handle it, Spike.

I'll go to PC's the moment she's in the same room.

Well, try to control that, because being in the same room is kind of a minimum

requirement. Look.

Just stay cool, be calm, and think confident. You'll be fine.

Can I help you, sir?

Thanks. I'm going to be fine.

Have you booked a table?

A table, yes. Yes, I have.

I've booked a table.

Two chairs. I'm meeting someone, so two chairs would be good.

Name, sir?

Judy Wellman. She's a very nice girl. She'll be no trouble.

Thank you for putting my mind at rest, sir.

And your name?

Matthew.

Colin Matthews. Ah, yes.

The young lady has in fact arrived.

Oh, is she?

Shall I show you to your table?

No, thanks. I think I can find it myself.

Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind showing me.

Sure. Sure.

It's a first date, so don't try anything.

None of that macho stuff.

Save that for when you're lying to your mates the next day. Just be charming,

interested, and don't expect too much.

She'll love you for it.

Hi.

Hi.

Are you staying at the hotel?

I shouldn't think so. It's just a first date. I'm not expecting too much.

There you go, sir.

Here we are.

Yep, I was just about to say that.

We're going to sit there in silence. I know we are. Yeah, you'll be fine.

Look, you've got to come along and tell me what to say. I'll make it worth your

while.

Colin, no one needs a prompt to have dinner.

Please. I'm telling you, no way.

That's a lovely dress, Judy.

I made it myself.

Really? Must be a lot cheaper.

Well, it helps.

So, how was your date?

Oh, it was all right.

Well, I ran into my boyfriend, actually.

Well, my ex -boyfriend.

We've been on and off for years.

Do you know what his name is?

Clark Kent.

No relation.

Is he not one of your relations?

No, I just meant his name.

You know, no relation to Superman.

Yeah.

Judy, Superman isn't a real person.

Right.

Shall we check out the menu?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you ready to order yet, sir? Yeah, I guess.

So, do you live with your parents?

My father. My mother's dead.

Dead, eh? Dead.

That's interesting.

Has she been dead long?

About five years.

Five years?

Really? Really? And the rest of your family, are they still alive?

Yeah.

So it's just your mother, in fact?

Colin. Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Why are you being such a jerk?

I don't think I understand.

Can't you just relax?

Can't we just have a normal conversation?

A little shyness is sweet, but this is getting ridiculous.

Look, if you can't put it together, let's just call it a night.

Or are you going to try and get sensible?

Come with me to the toilet.

Sorry, said that wrong. Look, I'll just go to the toilet on my own, and you can

go later if you want.

Are you guys going for a conference?

Judy! Colin!

Spike! Judy!

Oh, no, I mean, I knew you were there. I just forgot.

Lord, Judy, Spike's been running down everything I say.

You've been talking to me in monosyllables all day. Let's get this

I promised I'd have this finished when my grandfather gets back. Do you mind?

Look, I'm making a concession here. Just a few conditions under which I'm

prepared to discuss your problem.

Okay, let's hear them.

I can't come in.

Conditions? I've got them typed up.

Fifteen, Linda.

Look, what I had in mind was a more personal, sincere apology.

I told you it's in your in -tray.

Why do you have absolutely no conception of the responsibilities of friendship?

Oh, that's nice, the same day I send you a memo.

I just don't understand why it's so difficult to discuss a problem with my

friend. And I don't see why it has to be that particular problem. You've got

hundreds. What do you mean, I've got hundreds?

Oh, come on, Kenny, you're a complete neurotic.

I'm a complete neurotic?

Well, let's just take a little look at who's talking here.

And what do you mean by that?

Well, no offence, Linda, but let's be honest.

You're a selfish, paranoid, maladjusted, psychotic, complete bitch.

Linda.

Linda.

Did you see the look of contempt in her eyes when she left Spike?

Look, you've got to come across to her more, OK?

Project yourself.

Sell yourself.

Sell myself?

Yeah, exactly.

When it comes to women, Colin, no is not an answer. You never mentioned selling.

You didn't say it was selling.

Yeah, well, it is in a way.

All that endless talking, you never told me it was just selling. How could you

have missed out something like that?

My dear, you know nothing about love.

I can do selling.

Selling.

Selling.

I do want to hear, Kelly.

I've got to go and visit my cousin. She lives around here somewhere.

Yeah, where?

Llanquestries, I think.

Yeah, to Llanquestries.

Linda, will you open up, please?

Look, it's my grandfather's house.

OK, you asked for it. I'm going to tell you my new theory of destiny.

It goes like this.

You know what Einstein says?

God does not play dice for the universe.

So the way I see it, if something's meant to happen, it happens.

Oh, please.

Chance and coincidence, that's just the way it looks. I hate this stuff.

If it's supposed to happen that you meet someone, you meet them. If not, your

letter falls under a floorboard.

OK, I'm coming out.

My grandfather was supposed to be with Christine.

He'd have found that letter.

So none of it's down to chance, hold on.

Destiny.

Don't talk so wet, Kenny. There's no such thing.

I'm telling you, Linda, death to me!

Hello?

Hello, it's Colin.

Don't hang up.

Look, I know you're not on the road here for tomorrow night, but could you come

by the newsroom about eight in the evening?

I'll try.

Look, I've got to go now, Colin.

Who was that?

No one.

Same no one as you were out with tonight?

I was out with Betty. I've already told you.

Just broke another of your mugs.

Class.

Sophistication.

Maybe not.

I want to speak to Colin Matthews.

Colin Matthews!

He's been out with my girl.

She's just told me. I'm going to deal with him.

Colin Matthews, eh?

Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you leave this one with me, and when I find

this Colin Matthews fellow, I'll give him a pretty damn good talking to, I can

tell you, because this little thing makes me so cross.

You're one of the little rat's friends?

Me? I've never heard of him before, but I expect I'll recognise him just by the

slimy look on his face. I'm going to mince his face.

Oh, hey, listen, now you're giving me ideas.

I'll tell you what, why don't you go on home, and I'll deal with that dirty

punk. Trust me, all of a sudden, Colin Matthews is going to wish he'd never

born.

Colin, has he hurt you?

You saw Colin somewhere?

Wait till I get my hands on that no -good guy.

You're Colin.

You said you'd never even heard of him.

OK, so I exaggerated a little.

I'm sorry, Colin. I didn't want to tell him, but he made me.

You've been out with Judy, right?

You had dinner with Judy. And I'm so pleased to meet you. Because she never

stopped talking about you the whole time.

You her bit on the side?

No, not at all. She just needs someone to talk to about you.

She's my girl.

She's a girl?

You know what? I'd never even noticed.

Clark, there's nothing going on, honestly.

What? Just friends?

No funny business?

Just friends.

I mean, we shook hands, but she was thinking about you all the time. I could

tell.

I'm not going to mince your face anyway.

No, don't do that. You'll really, really regret it afterwards.

And I just don't want to last up your evening like that.

Clark, don't.

Do you know why I'm going to mince your face anyway?

No, but I'm sure you've got a really good reason, because you're such a

guy. But, hell, am I worthy?

Because I reckon you're taking the mickey out of me.

Not at all. In fact, I've never taken anyone so serious in my whole life. In

fact, when I look at you, I think, wow, serious.

That's better.

So, nothing between you two?

You were just meeting up here, social life? You took the words right out of my

throat.

Well... I'm feeling mellow as it happens, so I'm going to let you off.

But if I ever catch the faintest whiff of something going on between you two,

I'm going to come for you, and you're going to set a new world record for

dead.

Your table, Mr Matthews.

Sorry, Christine.

Hello. What came after maladjusted? I'm considering a tattoo.

I'm sorry too, boss.

So why the hell aren't you here? This morning we need every hand we can get.

Colin Hyde's unusual last night. He looks like he's been playing with

thermonuclear. No sign of the man himself, which is ever so slightly

Oh, hang on.

Uh, Colin, wouldn't mind a little word at some point?

I can explain everything.

That women.

Yeah, that was him.

Completely unscathed.

Clark made quite a mess in the newsroom.

Until you saw him off.

I couldn't believe how brave you were.

Still, I suppose he was unarmed.

Well, I was just lucky I could grab that teddy bear.

I know you're going to say I lied to you, got you in trouble.

But I'll probably lie to you and get you in trouble again, Colin.

But you know something?

I'm worth it.

No one's ever done this to me before.

Cute kid, but, uh, what the hell?

I suppose I just couldn't see what good telling him would do.

I mean, in my argument, if he and Christine had been meant to get

would have done, right? You managed to say that without using the word destiny.

I'm grateful.

Hang on, there's someone at the door.

Hello, is Eileen there?

No, there's no Eileen here, sorry.

This is number two, isn't it?

No, it's number 24.

Two's right at the other end of the road there.

Oh, thanks.

No problem.

Who was it?

Just the wrong number.