Original subtitles

Kenny. I gave her the article yesterday, right?

And she says it's fine.

She says it's really good, you know.

And then do you know what she does?

She goes and gives it to me. She's always like my best friend, right?

And asks her to do a complete rewrite.

And then do you know what happens?

My boyfriend phones me up and thumbs me.

Kenny. Look, guys, what are we talking about here? A typewriter.

Today's my time.

I've got two stories. Not on my machine.

Look, can I give you both a tip here?

Typewriters, don't get involved with them. They'll just use you till you dry

then they'll just throw you to one side.

They don't care, not typewriters.

Not your portables, not your electrics, not your standard desktop manuals, none

of them. I mean, you ever seen a typewriter cry?

No. And why not? Because they're hard, guys. They're hard all the way through.

It's a fact that 13 major world conflicts have been started by

alone. Kenny!

Of course the junior page isn't undervalued. The junior page ups our

We've got figures to prove it. Well, then why does Sarah get every decent

for pre -teens?

That isn't true.

It is. Features get everything, Kenny.

Just to let you know, Kenny, I'm quitting.

Sam, hang on.

Kenny, you're supposed to be talking to me.

Kenny, it's for you.

Hi.

Boss, aren't you supposed to be here?

Boss?

Linda, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Kenny. Lamont.

There's no need for this, Sam.

I've had enough.

She's not even here.

She left notes all over my work.

Bitchy little notes.

Just a sense of humour.

Sense of humour?

This stinks. Do it again or die.

She means that in a funny way.

Kenny, do you think you could phone my boyfriend for me?

Kenny. You're supposed to be talking to me. Kenny, phone for you.

Hi. Spike, you're not coming in today?

Don't tell her it's me, but is Linda there?

No, actually, she's just off the phone.

What did she say? Well, nothing.

Nothing? I don't believe that girl, nothing.

Yeah. Spike, what is it?

Uh, nothing.

Guys!

First week, second week.

Uppercase, lowercase.

I'm off now, Kenny. Sam, wait.

If you don't phone my boyfriend, I'm not doing the town hall interview.

Kathy. Sam, just wait one moment.

Kathy, how can I phone your boyfriend?

Be reasonable.

Peter, I just know you kids should get back together. I mean, it's right. Do

know what I mean?

Well, she's sorry about that.

Yeah, isn't that?

Are you kidding me? She did that?

Well, she's very, very sorry about it.

Kenny, I'm still waiting.

Tiddler, in a minute.

An extra night off for me?

Yeah, you got it.

Final send, centre spread layout.

I think I could swing that.

How about Linda Day strung up by her ankles?

Yeah, no problem. I believe that's how she sleeps.

Kenny. Coming.

And then there was the thing about the primary school getting the new building.

That was naturally Junior Page.

And who got it? Features.

And then there was the story about the 12 -year -old kid who was a maths

And who interviewed her?

features.

Kenny? Sorry, Linda.

It's Tiddler.

You know what your trouble is, Kenny. You just don't care.

I want to go.

I want to be there where kindness is king.

And an arm goes out to anyone who goes down. I want to go.

I want to be there where kindness is king.

And an arm goes out to anyone who goes down. I want to go.

I want to be there where kindness is king.

And along goes that screwing one.

Your wardrobe was open, so I just got in.

Colin? Hello. How are you, Kenny? You looking well?

I'm fine.

Good. Splendid. Not so bad myself, as a matter of fact.

Good.

So, uh, mind if I come in?

No. Thanks.

Well, that's all I came to say, really.

Catch you later. Let's do lunch.

Colin, hold it.

Yes, Kenny?

What were you doing in my wardrobe?

Well, your mum said I could wait in your room. I don't think she meant in my

wardrobe. Well, would it have killed it to be a little more specific?

What were you doing in there?

Hiding.

Hiding? Yeah, but your surprise birthday party. It isn't my birthday for another

eight months, Colin.

Oh, so am I the first to arrive, then? Look, Colin, were you listening to me

sing? Were you singing?

I didn't notice there's so much of interest in your wardrobe.

I am warning you, Colin, that is the one thing in my life that doesn't get

dragged through Linda Day's newsroom, and it is staying that way. Well, Kenny,

I'm shocked.

As if I, your old mate Colin, would even contemplate invading your privacy like

that. No, I'm sorry, there's nothing you can say. The damage is done. I'd rather

simply leave and reflect a little bitterly on the nature of friendship in

modern age. Good night.

Hi, Kenny.

Nice shirt.

Look, Kenny, Frazz is in your wardrobe.

You must have been trying to tape it. Frazz, how could you do such a thing?

Look, what is going on here? What are you two up to?

Uh, just a wardrobe check.

Yeah, you seem to have one.

Get out! Just get out of my house, right now! You heard him, Frazz. We don't

want your type around here.

Both of you, out now!

It's okay, Kenny, let me deal with it. Come on, Frazz, out you go.

Colin, let me just give you a little hint about the next time we do this.

Firstly, you go in the cupboard.

Secondly, you hold them.

Well, very good.

Very good.

Mum,

I'm just about to go.

Where? Saturday?

I've got a meeting at the newsroom.

Hey, am I cute today or what?

I smiled in the mirror and tried to follow me to work.

Girl, leave.

Tongue's in.

Hey, I don't want to get vulgar here, but have you noticed how terrific my

view is?

I walk past and chairs bake.

You know, when I first realized it was serious with you, we were just about to

go out together.

We were both combing our hair at the same time.

And then it hit me.

I was looking in the mirror at somebody else.

I love you.

Don't say that.

This is the worst she's ever been. The absolute worst.

I know.

She's been a total bitch, Kenny.

I've never seen her this bad.

Kenny! Sorry.

Oh, I know.

Look at that guy. Will you just look at him?

Out in the corridor with two women.

What?

You just don't stop, do you, stud?

Colin. By the way, kid, go easy.

Go easy? You know what I'm saying. He knows what I'm saying.

I quit.

Just give me five minutes.

Colin, I want to talk to you about my wardrobe.

Did you hear that, everybody? Kenny wants to talk to me about his wardrobe.

he a wacky and off -the -wall guy or what? Colin!

I'm sorry, Kenny, but you're just too strange for me. I mean, how's a guy

supposed to keep up, right? Total wackiness city.

What is going on here? Kenny, I quit.

Wait for Sam. Five minutes.

Boss? Kenny, could you go and shout at Graham for me? I'm busy.

Any particular reason?

Yeah, but I forget. Better keep it general.

Linda, I think we should talk.

And the curtains.

What? When did they turn blue? I want my red ones back.

Blue's a nice soothing colour.

I don't want to be soothing.

It's the wrong image, all that red around you.

I like that image.

Linda, remember when you, me and Spike agreed that what you needed to do was to

kind of tone it down a bit?

Where is Spike?

He quit.

He quit? He sure did.

Frazz, have you seen him?

Frazz?

Do you know, the only thing that makes me feel better, I warned him about you.

Do you want to tell me about it?

Tell Sarah the lead article is completely lousy. If she doesn't have it

scratch by seven tonight, I'll burn her house down.

Linda, is there something you want to tell me about?

Kenny?

Er... Yeah?

OK, everybody, let's just get right back to work.

Kenny?

Normally beautiful women just ignore me.

I see I'm entering a new phase.

Do you, er, know her?

Of course not.

Of course not!

Did you tell Tiddler I'm giving the plague -rich boy speeches?

Linda! You're a dark horse, aren't you?

Sam.

What is going on here?

Colin!

Where? You sure you're calm enough, Kenny?

Colin, it's me. I invented calm. I only have a pulse at weekends. Where is

lunch? You don't sound calm.

It's a voice exercise. I have to talk through my teeth and imagine I'm kicking

puppies. Colin, where?

Zars, two o 'clock.

No, this isn't a public phone. I was just... How much?

Kenny, I want to talk futures.

So do I, but we ought to consider having one.

Kenny, where do you see yourself in ten years' time?

Being nice to people in a new and older age group, being dumped by all my

girlfriends for being too boringly nice, and never getting further through a

sentence than butt Linda.

Exactly.

Colin, I know that you arranged for Frazz to take me in my wardrobe.

And I would also guess that you arranged for the most beautiful woman I've ever

seen to walk into my life and slap me in the face.

Yeah, sorry about that, kid.

No problem.

Actually, that's what it was kind of like with Jenny, honey. She took longer

the backswing.

But one question does spring to mind, Colin.

Why?

I'm going to say something to you, Kenny.

I'm going to say the biggest thing you ever heard.

I'm going to change your life, kid.

Kenny Phillips.

Rockstar.

Kenny, I'm being serious here.

Colin, you are almost worth knowing for moments like this. But it could work.

Me? Yeah, a rockstar.

What could be more natural?

Off the top of my head, how about fish cycling?

You can sing.

Kenny, I'm talking business here.

So what happened to lunch?

Business.

Sure, look, school's out forever in a couple of weeks' time. We've got to

thinking careers.

There's a real world out there.

Yeah, I know. You ought to try it sometime.

I've been working on this, Kenny.

Even before I heard the tape, I've been building your image.

Your world, Colin. What colour is the sky?

I've been developing you, remoulding you, Kenny. The trees talk to you,

What was that gimmick with the face slapping? You know what they're saying?

at the newsroom, right now.

Tell me.

You had this passionate affair with this woman.

Callously, you throw her over for another.

Devastated and bent on revenge, she comes down to the newsroom to expose

secret life.

I don't have a secret life.

You do now.

Who was she?

The burning question.

Exiled Russian princess, heiress to the throne of one of the more affluent

European countries. Who was she, Colin?

Singing telegram.

Image city, babe. They're going to be looking at this hunky guy in a whole new

way. No way.

And wait until they find out he sings, too. Colin, try and understand this.

I'm saying no, I'm not agreeing.

There's absolutely no way on this earth I'm ever going to be a rock star, OK?

You won't be on your own, of course.

You'll be part of the Pavilion's talent show.

We've just got to get your face seen.

What do you think of the poster, then? Tated with bells on, right?

Colin. Yeah?

When I regain the use of my body, I'm going to kill you.

Hey!

Is that you?

Better believe it, kid.

I'm not doing this, Colin.

You'll do it. She thinks you're yummy. Do not.

She does, she said. It's starting already.

Colin, I'm not doing it.

Catch you later.

What's it like to be a star, then?

What are you doing?

Spike left some things here. I'm just collecting them for him.

He's really not coming back?

Well, what do you think?

I think you've got an article to give me before six o 'clock and you don't have

time to go carting stuff out to Spike's house.

Yeah, but I'm not going to Spike's house. He's waiting for me outside.

Kenny, is it true?

What? I just couldn't believe it.

I didn't know you did this kind of thing. I don't. And you look so terrific

this poster.

I don't. Where did you get the tickets?

You don't.

So we just feel that if you lightened up on the earlier section, then, you know,

somehow the middle section would, like, flow better.

What is wrong?

I just want you to know I'm really looking forward to the show.

So do you think we could have the layouts a day early and maybe allow

bit more input on the centre spread?

Absolutely. And is it OK if we come to the graphics meeting on Wednesday?

Sure. She's rejected these roughs, so can we have them ready for tomorrow?

No problem.

Good.

Hi, Kenny.

Hi, boss.

Oh, thanks for the curtains.

No problem.

You know, you're the one thing in my life I can always rely on.

Whatever happens, you're always there.

There are never any surprises with you, Kenny.

I think it's about time you go to bike's desk. Yeah, sure thing, boss.

choose the publicity t -shirt it's based on the new slogan concept by colin do

you want to see it yeah sophie

do you like it yeah it's

wonderful i told you

Hello, Sam Enterprises.

Let's do lunch.

This is the venue.

It doesn't look much without anybody in it, but we ought to get a good turnout.

And of course, this is the stage.

Such a blood tingling, doesn't it?

I can see it, Kenny.

I can feel it.

You. Out here, a strife of stage, with the audience in the palm of your hand.

Oh, would you mind announcing the interval? It's just that the stage

got this stammer and it takes him forever.

Everyone's too polite to leave till he finishes and we don't make a thing at

bar. I don't know about this, Colin.

No, Zay.

The same with all the greats.

Yeah, right. Listen, what do you think? Should I just do the song that you and

Fraz recorded?

I like that song, Kenny.

I really did.

It spoke to me on so many different levels.

You know what I'm saying?

You're saying you don't like that song?

Exactly. We need something harder, raunchier, yummier.

Well, if you say so. But it's going to be hard getting something together.

Oh, well, maybe the boys will have an idea.

The boys?

You know, the rest of the group.

The group?

Yeah. Guys!

Here he is. Kenny Phillips, the animal of rock.

This is Humphrey Hoggart, lead guitar.

Raymond Burke, bass guitar, and Zed Ron.

Hi. Hi.

I think it's eating through the floor.

If that was any good, then, you promised us someone good.

Good? Can't you feel the sizzle from here?

Yeah, listen, me and the rock animal here, we're wondering what sort of song

should be using. I wrote a song.

Yeah?

Metal murder machine.

Old ballad, is it?

Yeah.

Colin, can I have a word? Sure, no problem.

Sorry to break up the chemistry, guys.

Colin, I will do anything, I mean anything, to get out of doing this.

Are you sure?

You're free to walk at any time.

Of course, it's all over town that you're doing this gig, and all your

are going to be there, and a lot of girls in the newsroom seem to be really

impressed with you a lot these days.

I'm stuck with it, aren't I? I've really got to go through with this, haven't I?

I just wish there was more I could do to help.

Oh, you remembered.

Is Linda in? Yep.

She's speaking to us.

Kind of.

Is something wrong?

Yeah.

I thought they'd split up. They have.

And a lot further than we thought.

You'd better go and see her.

Linda?

Hi.

Spike was here. You were talking to him.

He spoke to my mum.

He didn't want to talk to me.

What was he saying?

Goodbye.

He's going back to America.

Kenny. Oh, hi, Sam.

I was just wondering if you were getting a bit nervous about this rock star

thing. Well, a bit, I suppose.

But don't tell anyone.

I'm trying to hide it.

Well, from that point of view, don't you think it would be a good idea if you

came out from under the desk?

Tomorrow, definitely.

Look, Kenny, can I give you a word of advice about being a rock star?

You've talked me out of it.

I'm not trying to.

Kenny, rock stars are kind of, well, mean.

What you've got to do is less of the cute and more of the mean.

I want you to find the mean part of yourself, Kenny.

Well, I lied to my mum once.

Well, there you are.

I told her I had a school lunch when I'd given my dinner money to help the

agent. Well, to start...