Original subtitles

Good morning, Linda. Good morning, Spike.

I thought it would be safer if I stayed up here so no one sees us together.

Let me go out on a limb here. Are you ashamed of me? Of course I'm not

How could I be ashamed?

Good, thank you. No one knows I go out with you.

Linda, would you get down here, please?

Spike, I don't think it would be right for me to.

You've got to stop thinking for yourself, Linda. I mean, how's it going

if I'm caught down here without a girl? I'm not coming down.

Okay, fine.

What are you doing?

Isn't this fun?

Haven't done this since I took those pyjama shots off you.

Pyjama shots?

You thought it was lightning, didn't you?

Spike, this is stupid. You could have an accident.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Well, you don't know what I have in mind.

Linda, how long have we been going out with each other? Four days. How can you

forget these things?

Because, Linda, when you go out together, it usually involves, and this

a surprise to you, going out together.

You know, like dates and stuff.

Seeing one another occasionally?

I know, it was in biology.

Spike, I just don't think anyone should know about this for the moment.

What do you mean, for the moment? Why are we talking? Late 97?

Well, I feel then.

Hey, joke.

I mean, what have I got out of this so far?

I'll tell you, Linda.

Five lousy kisses. I've counted.

Is that why I felt your lips move?

What do you mean, lousy kisses?

I mean, forgetting to take the pencil out of your mouth at first. You lose

points for that.

Mind you, you gained a few for helping me get it out of my nose afterwards.

And washing the blood off of my shirt and the walls.

You're exaggerating now.

And I suppose the third nostril is just something I'll have to get used to.

Spike. And another thing. When I'm on my final approach, don't fold your arms.

It's kind of off -putting.

How about the one in the newsroom corridor? That was good.

I didn't look about. I'll fold my arms. Or stick a pencil up your nose.

Yeah, it was nice. I enjoyed it.

I wasn't in the least bit bored, but I didn't exactly lose any fillings either,

did I? Well, it was okay coming from me.

From you. I was doing most of the work, kid. Well, you don't have my handicap.

And what's that?

You don't have to kiss who I do.

Actually, I do have that handicap.

Well, you wanted to go out with me.

God knows why.

I hope so. Sure as hell clipped my mind.

Oh, yeah, I know.

It must be because I'm certifiably crazed about you. You're certifiable?

Yeah. About me?

It'll be your name I'm muttering when they take away my shoelaces.

Promise? Promise.

You make me go a bit insane at the knees, too.

Linda, I don't want to think that you're ashamed of being with me.

I'm not, Spike.

I could never be ashamed of being with you.

Well, that's good to hear.

Look, I've got to go. I reset the watch to give me an alibi.

Oh, Linda.

She'll notice soon. I have to go. Linda.

Spike, I'm not ashamed of you at all, OK?

I'll pick the stairs, you go out the window.

This is getting depressing.

See you in the newsroom.

I could have an accident.

You'll be okay.

You don't know what I have in mind.

Benjamin Drexel.

Right, yeah.

Age last birthday?

Sixteen and a half.

I mean height.

Four foot two, not counting my head.

Not counting your head.

My mum measured me. She didn't measure your head. She was in a hurry.

Hobbies. You mentioned train spotting. Train spotting, yes.

Train spotting. Make a note of that, Fred.

I haven't got my notebook.

We'll make a note of it later.

I'm busy later.

We'll remember it.

Remember what?

Thank you, Fraz.

Train spotting, eh? So, er, how long have you been interested in spots?

Trains. Train spotting. Oh, as long as I can remember, about a year.

And what attracts you to it, Benjamin? Is it the trains, the challenge, or is

just hanging around stations with a notebook impressing the chicks?

Yeah, that.

Er, I think.

And you want a new image now, right?

Yeah, something more macho, more exciting and dangerous.

but still to do with train -popping. Benjamin, you've come to the right

Who are you?

Me. Called your name, didn't I?

Well, no.

Then what did you answer for?

Malcolm Bullivan, aren't you?

Yeah, but everyone calls me Bull.

Short for Malcolm, right? I suppose so.

Didn't you get kicked out of Norbridge High about four years ago?

Well, we're not kicked out. We're persuaded.

I scratched my name 27 times on the headmaster's car bonnet.

Really? Yeah.

Malcolm Bullivant rules okay 27 times.

27, eh?

And I'll tell you, if I find out who told him it was me... Look, can I get

anything? I mean a seat or several.

I'm not staying, but I've got to kill someone before I go.

Oh, I see, yes.

Now, that must be a tough habit to break, but do you think maybe you could

today's murder and do two tomorrow?

In!

Oh, Colin. What, you're on the waiting list too? He challenged me.

What? To a fight, he challenged me.

Colin did.

Kenny, have you got a minute?

Actually, no, there's someone here to kill Colin.

Well, I'm sure he can manage it without you.

Excuse me.

Colin Matthews. Ah, I can see what's wrong with your personality straight

Cheerful today, Bob?

What do you mean, cheerful?

Why should I be cheerful?

What are you trying to say, Kenny?

I'm sorry, Linda.

I just... I just thought... You're whistling, that's all.

Well, I've whistled before, haven't I?

When?

February.

Look, er... Shouldn't we just get down to business?

I challenged you.

Where do you want me to take you apart?

Here or outside?

That's a tough one. Can you run it by me again?

This is another one of my courses. A third evening of training. Get out or

smash your head in.

Marvellous. You can say that without flinching now. Are you getting up then?

Look, can I get back to you on that one?

No. You want it that way.

You're getting one.

Friends don't feel like lending a hand here, do?

No, he seems to be doing fine by himself.

Benji? Actually, I think we should both help. What?

Well, it's obvious to me this is a very serious situation.

Thanks, Benjamin. You see, I used to be a bit unassertive, my... Back off!

Oh, right.

I think he's better now.

I don't think you're quite understanding, Benjamin.

Right, then. You want in a fight or what? Who told you that? Your sister. My

sister? You told her you could hammer me. You told her I was a complete wimp.

Hold on, are we talking about a fat little girl here, about 4 foot 7, 19

Well, she wasn't fat. Chocolate all round her mouth and a squint you could

over looking at? Yeah, that's her, all right.

Except for the squint.

And the chocolate? She's always got chocolate.

She eats the furniture if we don't keep her fed with sweets. Look, she told me

outside Zars that you were... She doesn't go outside.

It always makes her feel faint. You don't shut up, I'm going to thump you.

You're going to thump me anyway.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

And we can't keep supporting you on that. The Junior Gazette has to be self

-sufficient. You knew that from the start.

We did promise helpers with printing costs.

Initially. That phase is over.

Well, I suppose we could save money on travel expenses. We're putting out too

much on that anyway.

And it was twice.

What? I whistled twice in February.

You were there both times, so I don't know what you're on about.

Tell Kurt to give us two weeks and we'll cover printing.

Well, I'll try him on it.

I mean, OK, I whistled. Guilty. It doesn't have to mean anything, Kenny.

I didn't... I can't believe the way you're overreacting about this.

Could you maybe try for three weeks and let him knock you down to two?

I'd better try for four.

Just because I whistle doesn't mean there's something going on, you know,

Why should it mean that? Give me one reason why it should mean that.

And another thing.

Your interview with Edward Allison, that's going to overlap with our... A

coincidence. What?

Spike whistling the same tune as me.

Was he?

No.

I've got to talk to Spike.

Well,

look who just vaporised her deodorant.

What exactly is going on?

Well, Spike and Linda are pretending they're not going out with each other.

we're all pretending we don't know.

I haven't had so much fun since she sprained her arm in Primary 5.

Explain something to me, Kenny.

You two are supposed to be the best of friends. How come you enjoy her

her arm? We are the best of friends. She was trying to push me out of a window

at the time.

Keep your eyes on the paper. Pretend we're discussing it.

So, why shouldn't I whistle when I walk in?

Because I did the exact same tune. Talk about a giveaway.

Could you keep it down in there, please?

Sorry.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You give me a list of all the tunes you're thinking of whistling over the

month, then I'll keep off them.

Yeah, I'll try and arrange that.

Linda, Chrissie's got to go soon, so can we finish this meeting?

This is important too, Kenny. I've got some details to clear up.

Right, can I have it back when you're finished?

What? My shopping list.

I've got to get some stuff for my mum.

Oh.

Well, it all seems to be in order.

If he turns up again, just give me a shout, OK?

So you didn't think the black belt in judo was worth mentioning?

Well, I thought people would be more interested in the train spotting side.

I see, yes.

I was set up, Fred.

Yeah. Worrying, isn't it?

No.

Oh, for you, you mean.

You see, I only got into judo to defend myself from all my friends.

Good thinking, Benj.

So I want to know who's behind this, Frazz. They're all kind of ribbing me

a new ally I'd develop for my school science project. Not just now, Benj.

So who hates me enough to want to get me battered census by Malcolm the Shaving

Gorilla? I'll get the lift.

Yeah, filing cabinet.

Draw two, three, four.

Sorry about all that, Linda. Hi.

You don't know me. I'm your sister.

Can I buy you a coffee?

You take milk? A lot.

And four sugars? Three.

You tell people three, but it's four really.

Why did you set me up? My name's Cindy, by the way.

You set me up, Cindy?

Why?

Did I throw you one of those hair dryers? Hey, look, one lousy house burns

I didn't buy a hair dryer.

They were the ones with the electrical fault, right?

What if they were?

I put a warning on the box, didn't I? Wear rubber.

I love the story about the Pings. I mean, selling defective half -ping -pong

balls at a profit.

Amazing. You tried to get Malcolm Bullivant to do me over. Why?

Did I show you the alligator boot?

Look, I can get you two left ones.

Malcolm's just someone I was annoying.

He kind of threatened me, so I told him my brother would bash him.

And I told him you were my brother.

Why? You know my favourite story?

The one where you go to Warner Edison's funeral in a pink rabbit suit.

Why me, Cindy? Haven't you got a brother of your own you can get beaten up?

He defected.

What? He went to Russia.

And I couldn't go to my dad because he's dead.

Dead? Yep.

Not defected? He fell 2 ,000 feet from a helicopter.

It was very sudden.

Can I have a cake?

You're one weird kid, Cindy. You're even weirder than my real sister. And she

had a brace put on her teeth because she thought it'd improve her appearance.

Funny thing it did.

I want one of the ones with all the cream on top.

Why me, Cindy?

Because I think you're brilliant.

Can I have a cake?

Buy one.

I don't have any money.

I spent it on your coffee.

Must be getting soft.

Here, sign this IOU slip.

Address and phone number on the back.

By the way, those buns you sold us.

The ones you said couldn't go stale. Yeah.

They were stale when they arrived.

Well.

Can I have a refund on this cake?

See, I have a complete set of aerial photographs of all the local railway

I think people would find that interesting, don't you? It's the side of

keep hidden.

That's understandable.

I've only got 53 of them here. I could go home and get the rest. No, please

don't. Don't bother yourself.

So where did you get all these?

Just with a camera strapped to my hang glider.

Look, this is a good one. You can see the point.

Colin, what does a rabbit mean to you? Four pack of lucky feet, not just now,

Tiddler. Have I ever told you about the high productivity yield of my bunnies?

What? Henry and George have produced more bunnies than almost any other pair

domestic rabbits since records began.

I am thinking of changing their names. Anyway, I'm prepared to let you in on

ground floor. They are good little workers and I promise you, you won't

it. I don't do in animals unless they're freeze -dried and wrapped in

cellophane. But people love bunnies.

Look. This is an estimate for their output for next year. Tiddler. It could

more. You just place the orders and I'll know how much to feed them.

Tiddler, do you know a girl called Cindy?

She might even go to our school.

Cindy? No, why?

I thought you could find out. I'll pay for good information.

You'll pay? This is serious, right?

She's about 11, blondish hair, small and kind of strange.

OK, well, I'll get right on to it.

Get Sophie and Laura on to it, too. She's strange even compared to them.

Let me know when you find anything.

How was she strange?

Just the way she talked. She seemed to know all about me, though. And, you

halfway through talking to me, she just disappeared.

Like a ghost.

OK, well, I'll see what I can find out.

Come on, Sullivan.

Eat your food.

You won't grow up to be Big Shark if you don't eat your food.

Come in, Sarah.

I heard the doorbell. Did the skirt fit OK?

Yeah, but I need some help shaving my legs.

I thought you were... Sarah! Hey, great.

Would it work in the girls' changing rooms, too?

Spike, you've got to go. Sarah's coming round.

Are you kidding? That girl's been dopey for years.

Coming round here?

Who answered the door for you?

Your mum.

Did she suspect anything?

No. But she just kept asking me about my prospects.

Come on, move it.

Sarah's due back now. Linda, we need to talk. Spike, we don't have time. If I

know Sarah, she'll be late enough to let us get a few things sorted out. Spike!

Linda, will you please just listen to me for once?

I'm being serious now. This is my serious face.

We need to talk, you and me, here and now.

We need a serious talk about our relationship.

I was sitting at home and suddenly it came to me.

A serious talk is what we need.

Hey, I'd settle for a quick feel. The window, move it.

Come on, we've done this one.

She'll be up here any second.

Fine.

Climb out of the window, Spike. You're just being childish.

Hi, Sarah.

Hi, Linda.

I brought you a skirt back.

Thanks. Is that all?

I thought we were going to work on the maths homework.

Yeah, I know, but... Well, you said you wanted to help with calculus.

Oh, Sarah.

OK, OK, so Spike's in my bedroom. He's lying on my bed.

Look, I just needed some stuff from the newsroom, that's all.

I needed some stuff from the newsroom, so I phoned him to get it for me, OK?

So he stuck around for a while.

Just tell me, what exactly is wrong with that?

He isn't here.

Oh.

Must have been mistaken then.

She didn't push you out the window, did she?

No, I jumped.

I know how you feel.

Who you representing?

Oh, Colin.

Just raising some money to buy a few train manuals.

I think that would give me a bit more credibility, don't you?

Sidney?

Well, look who's here.

Look who wants his head done in.

Ah, look behind you.

Know about that one, right?

Look, I can fill out IOU slips to all of you guys. We could be talking a fiver

each here.

Feel free to haggle. Colin, don't.

Just leave him alone, Colin.

You mustn't go back to all that.

What? Remember the electrode?

The what?

Is it the voices again?

Are they telling you to do the bad thing?

You're provoking him on purpose, aren't you? You want him taken away again,

don't you?

Away where?

Look, she's making this all up, but she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Make her go away, Grandmother.

We know this is rubbish.

You think you can scare us with this rubbish?

Must I, Grandmother? She's so young.

Give it up. This isn't fooling anyone.

Is it, lads?

No. Is it? No.

It's rubbish, this is.

Of course it's rubbish.

And so's that story about my aunt. She's just emigrated, OK? I mean, a couple of

dogs start sniffing around the flowerbeds and everyone's talking.

We're not going to stand here listening to this, are we, lads?

No. Let's leave these nutters to it.

Don't think we believed any of this.

How could you know he's a dress grandmother?

Like his style, kid.

She followed me around all day. One time she was crying, the next she was

pattering on worse than me.

Sounds pretty strange.

Have you been able to find anything out yet? Sorry.

Do you want to come and see my bunny?

I'm counting my fillings.

Hey, was that good?

Oh, look, Tiddler's rabbit. Let me see.

They're gorgeous.

Do you want to buy one? If I could choose it.

Henry and George really have to get new names with this kind of productivity.

Yeah, well, we've already seen to that.

We had a vote in the newsroom and we thought, what with the high level of

output, that Spike and Linda would do nicely.

Oh, Cindy, don't do that.

Sorry.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Then why aren't you at home?

I'm going home.

I'm just waiting.

For what?

Are these just like the ones you sold?

Waiting for what, Cindy?

My mum.

Your parents are out. They leave you on your own?

No. But you just said... My dad's home.

Well, what's the problem?

I want this one. Can I have it?

You don't like your dad, is that it?

Look, Cindy, I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something here.

I'm not.

Then why... Are you frightened of your dad?

Your dad, does he hit you?

He never hits me.

Well, then why is... Don't touch me.

God, no, I can't deal with this.

Cindy, listen to me.

Is your father... Is he making you do things?

Bad things?

Not hitting you, but making you do things.

Is he?

I'm right, aren't I?

Are you Cindy Watkins?

How did you know she was with me?

Her father's here looking for her.

Colin's told me all about you. Her father?

Look, Tiddler, just give us a moment, will you?

OK.

Cindy... I've got to go!

It's not home.

No.