All language subtitles for Press Gang s02e05 Love And The Junior Gazette

Michael.

Kenny. Oh, are you looking for Helen?

No, sorry.

No, Aunt Rachel's here. I think you've
got a wrong number.

No, this is Dublin.

Yes, Dublin, Ireland.

No, that's okay. No problem.

Bye now.

Was that the wrong number?

Some guy looking for his Aunt Rachel.

Dublin. Dublin.

Kenny.

What do you want done with the duty,
Ross? Yeah, I'll get that.

She's bad. She's bad. She's evil. She's
bad and evil. We're talking seriously

mean. We're talking bad, evil and mean.

What is this?

Franz, get a chair. I'll get the chair.
I'll check the desk.

You check the desk.

Oh, no. A speck of dust. A speck of
dust. Good thing we're here. Take that

outside and question it. No, I've seen
this hanging around before. OK, what's

going on?

And in the early hours of this morning,
aspiring young actor Raymond Adams was

found seriously dead in his apartment.
And a hospital spokesman described his

condition as stable. A mortuary
spokesman described his condition as

and with resellable kidneys.

What are you on about?

Officer Frazz, what was the cause of
death? It's a little early to say, but

think it could be death.

Another death, death.

Surely this can't be a coincidence.

No, we have a clue. Next to the body was
found a copy of the Junior Gazette,

open to Sarah Jackson's review of an
Inspector Calls.

Could there have been anything in this
review that could have killed him

outright? We don't know. We're bringing
in a Scotland Yard expert who can read.

What a unique case.

No, no, he's got a friend who can read
as well. It was a lousy show. It

it. Have you got something against this
Adams guy? I like to crack about his

mother. Oh, stop it.

She's bad. She's bad.

Sarah,

I'm not talking to you anymore.

Well, I'm glad you told me.

Colin, have you been selling pizzas?

No.

Sorry, wrong number.

Wrong number.

Kenny, where's Linda?

A cocktail party?

Why am I invited?

Well, technically, Mr Campbell owns your
paper too. That makes you one of his

editors. I've got your invitation here
somewhere.

Mr Carroll, I don't know if... Before
you say anything else, there'll be a lot

of newspaper people at this party.
People you should meet.

Oh, I see. Career socialising. Exactly.

Get used to it.

Now, the invitation's for you and
partner.

So bring Spike.

Spike?

Come in.

Chrissy, what did I do with Linda's
invitation?

Why should I bring Spike? What's Spike
got to do with anything?

You gave it to me to give to Linda.

Look, could everyone please just get it
into their heads once and for all? I am

not going out with Spike Thompson.

And I just gave it to Spike.

There's a message on your desk. I can
see that. Is Colin selling pizzas? Wrong

number. Sorry, wrong number.

Hello, Spike.

Hello, Linda.

Observe the male of the species.

Taking up twice the space he has to.

Arms and legs everywhere, like his
muddling limbs.

But you need a guy, don't you?

For the sort of ultimate fashion
accessory.

Sam, he was lousy. I mean, he really
stunk. Are you telling me he can't act

shoulders like those?

So what's this got to do with my review?

Well, it's obvious.

Here I am, madly in love with this guy,
and the paper I worked with is going to

slag him to death in two days' time.

And I could still be going out with him
then.

Oh, I get it. I changed the review so
you can go out with Raymond Adams.

I just forget about stuff like
journalistic integrity, I suppose. I

out the idea of truth in the printed
word.

Sarah, your review could well destroy a
serious relationship.

I come from the slow -moving lifestyle,
Sam. We don't call it a relationship

until we've... How can I put this? Met.

Well, then, here you go.

I'll walk up to him, fix him in the eye
and say, nine guys out of ten I turned

down. Feeling lucky?

You're really going to say that?

No. I just try pretending I recognise
him from somewhere.

Well, you do recognise him.

Yes, but I'm pretending not to.

What's wrong?

It was not, as they say, a complete
success.

Why? What happened?

He said it.

Said what?

The killer.

The ultimate no -no.

And what is the ultimate no -no?

Who's your friend?

Oh, nice move.

Please get out of here.

Why? We're going and we're going now.

It's just a coke.

Honest. She does that shy thing so well.

What? Come on.

I'm going to make you regret this for
the rest of your life, which may not be

more than about two minutes.

You have to go back in there.

No, I don't. Why do I?

Because you're walking out on a guy
who's interested.

So? And you're walking out on a
situation just because it embarrasses

Right.

Do you know what you're walking out on
most of all, Sarah?

Don't tell me myself.

No, your handbag.

Excuse me.

Are you all right?

Look, I've got to go.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Then what are you staring at me for? Is
something the matter with me?

Well, no.

I was just wondering why you took that
lady's bag.

Sorry. I mean, never mind.

I want to crawl off somewhere lonely and
die.

If you think you can handle it, here's
the address and phone number.

If you think you can't, then I'm on the
back.

Thanks.

Hey, who's your friend?

Hello?

No, this isn't your Aunt Rachel. I'm
sorry, is this Dublin again?

No, it's Dublin still.

I'm really sorry about this. It's a
call. It must be misrouting.

Yeah, right.

Listen, would you mind? I'm actually
waiting for someone to phone.

Yeah, right. No, I'm sorry.

Please? I can't. It's just a cocktail
party.

I'm visiting my aunt in Sherrington.

Oh, of course, your dear old aunt in
Sherrington. What is it this time? Ill?

Dead? Tell me, how do you justify having
been off work at her funeral on no less

than eight separate occasions?

She is my aunt.

Kenny, this woman has died a total of
eight times.

How do you think I feel?

Listen, I've got her in my aunt.

In Dublin.

Er, in Glasgow.

Sorry. Dead or alive?

I don't wish to commit myself at this
stage.

Wanda?

What do you think I should wear to this
party?

You're not going to the party.

You know, I think I want to get into
some, like, serious power dressing for

kind of gig.

I want to look sharp, cool, and
dangerous.

Hey, I know.

I'll go naked.

You're not going at all.

Well, Chrissy seems to think I am.
You're not. Want a reason? Yeah.

Give me your hand.

Melinda, this is so sudden. Your hand.

There's plenty more where that came
from.

The other one.

Let's see.

Hey. Is that what they call handwriting?

Girl's name, girl's phone number. The
one you were talking to outside?

Hey, did you think I wrote that?

Spike, when you're asking me out, make
the effort. Wash off the phone numbers

first. I did. I just forgot that one.

You are disgusting.

Linda, that was a joke, you know, a
joke.

Tell me another. Explain that.

Well, that symbol, that's not a phone
number. No? Then what is it?

A score out of ten.

Right.

Linda, that was another joke, you know.
You've got to laugh a little and enjoy

life once in a while. You don't know you
won't like it until you try it. I just

want you to know, Spike, you are the
last person on earth I would ask for

party. Absolutely the last.

You don't really mean that. You bet I
mean it. Anyone else, Spike, anyone else

in this room.

In fact, the next person through these
doors, I would rather ask the next

through these doors than you.

Right.

Oh, come on.

Are you telling me it should stain as
easily as this?

Look, I don't want a refund. Just let me
pick something out.

Look, I don't think we even sell this
one.

Exactly how long ago did you buy it?

Well, what was the shop here before this
one?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

This is kind of a coincidence.

I was going to phone you. You were? What
about?

Well, nothing.

Oh, good.

Look, why don't we, uh... Totally frozen
face doll. Oh, hello again.

Hi.

Well, there I'll be off then.

See ya. Where are you going?

My gran's. Can I come too? I've always
wanted to meet her.

No, you stay and talk to Raymond.

But your gran, I'd feel guilty.

Sarah, she's not your gran.

Yes, she is.

Well, obviously she's not actually my
gran.

It's just I'm so close to her, I feel as
though she is.

Which is why you've always wanted to
meet her.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Sam, I can't talk to this guy. I'm
assassinating him in print tomorrow.

Got to be going.

Have fun, kid.

So, uh, do you want to go somewhere?

Somewhere sounds nice.

You're ten minutes late.

No, don't say anything. I'm going to do
the talking and you're going to listen.

I've been waiting all day to say this
and I'm going to say it now.

As of now, you are officially dumped.

OK? How do you like that?

Michael?

This isn't Aunt Rachel, is it?

Oh, hello, Dublin.

Well, here's the duty you want for the
next week.

I've got one.

Kenny gave it to me.

Oh, well.

Just wanted to make sure.

So, how are you?

What? How are you? OK?

What's wrong?

Just thought I might be bleeding or
something.

No, I'm making conversation.

Conversation? You know, chatting.

Do you know something about my health?

No. I just thought... Well, it's been a
while since we've had a little chat.

We've never had a little chat.

Well, we're having one now, OK?

Oh, right. OK.

Right.

Sorry.

So, how are you? I just didn't know what
it was. It doesn't matter. How are you?

I'm fine.

Sorry, how are you?

Fine.

Good. Good.

Er, want to go to a cocktail party?

Oh, no, sorry. Can't make it that night.
I'm sorry.

Er, Jeff, have you got your duty roster?

No, really, it was good.

I've been practising all day.

Well, you certainly had me feeling dumb.

Now I just want to spend an evening in
the park looking sadly at couples.

Yeah, but I think I blew my best
performance.

Well, you've not peaked yet.

In fact, practise on a couple more wrong
numbers and that mic will wonder what's

hitting.

Anyway, look, I'm really sorry about
this. There must be something wrong at

exchange. People keep ordering pizza
from us.

Have you tried finding the operator?

Yeah, I get a pet shop in Birmingham.

Kenny, about this party.

I'm on the phone. Oh, don't tell me.
Your aunt.

Wrong number.

Listen, I'd better be going anyway, eh?
Because Michael will be phoning.

I doubt it's a creep.

He really is a creep, you know.

I don't know why I went out with him in
the first place.

Apart from the fact he's gorgeous and
exciting and charming.

Yeah, I think I hate him too.

Why can't I find a nice guy?

Just a nice guy.

Are you a nice guy?

Nice? Me? Nice?

You're talking to a world champion.
Nice, eh? In fact, I'm so nice, I get

for Christmas. And I like it.

I get nice for Britain.

When I'm so sweet and lovable, cuddly
toys just sneer at me.

Well, at least you'll never get dumped.

Do I hear your toes squealing under my
foot?

Yeah, well... Sorry.

Reasoned? I don't really like to talk
about it. Sure.

Got an hour?

It's huge.

Okay. Well, about three months ago, I
saw this girl outside some high flats.

You know, it was the usual sort of
romantic thing.

Her brother had thrown himself off the
top while he was high on glue, and she

was protesting about the sale of solvent
to mine. Are you serious? I did. But

why?

You know Zara's Burgers.

It was like eating a mattress.

So I stuck it in my pocket.

What, did you just leave it on the
plate?

Have you seen that waitress angry?

I wanted her alive.

Anyway, I took it home and chucked it in
the bin.

Or meant to.

Meant to?

I meant.

Somehow, I couldn't be bothered picking
it up.

Oh, no.

I would just lay there by the back step
for four days, pulsating.

Do you know what happened on the fifth
day?

What? You don't have to come in.

That's a really stupid story.

Oh, no.

But it brought up the subject of czars
quite well, didn't it? And why do you

want to be there?

Well, I thought we could meet up there
tomorrow night before we... Before we

what?

It's a surprise.

Do you want a surprise?

Yeah. What is it?

Okay, then.

Have you ever seen an inspector course?

Well, I'd better get in now.

It's just a play I'm in at the community
centre.

Good. Great.

I'd love you to come and see it. You
know, give me your opinion.

My opinion?

Is something wrong?

No. I'd love to see you act.

Are you all right?

Fine. Terrific. See you tomorrow.

Herman?

Just wondering, do you ever read the
Junior Gazette?

Not really, no.

Good.

Just the theatre reviews.

Oh.

See you.

I've just met the most wonderful guy in
the world.

My life is over.

Yes, dear.

OK, everyone, listen, please.

It's just this.

Now, we've all known each other for a
long time. Let's face it, guys, we're a

team. And I'd just like to share
something with you all.

Final paste -up, half an hour.

Love it when I'm cruel.

You're cheerful this evening?

Sorry, Linda, I'll work on that.

So that's two deep pan pizzas with
anchovies and a special... Sorry, wrong

number.

But we never had a little chat.

Well, we're having one now, OK?

Is this about the cocktail party?

You've got half an hour at Prince of Bel
-Air. Change it, can't you?

I don't know if I want to do that. I
believed in what I wrote and I don't see

why I should change it.

If this relationship is going to last,
it has to be based on truth.

That is not what lasting relationships
are based on.

Trust me, I've had hundreds.

Where's the least I can do with my
favourite aunt?

Still can't get through.

Actually, it was you I was looking for
this time.

Touching. I mean, you don't even know my
phone number.

Yeah, right. Can we lose three lines
from the editorial?

Look, I'll call you back, OK?

I'll be waiting by the phone.

For what I said when you wanted it cut.

Journalistic integrity, truth in the
printed word.

Didn't you hear they're loped together?

Goes in as it is.

I'm not changing a word.

But Sarah... Not a word. And if that
causes problems, well, then that's just

luck. But why don't you just... No!

I'm going home now.

I need to spend some time hanging from a
ceiling by my teeth.

Kenny, have you read this and is it OK?

Yes, and kind of.

That'll do, I suppose.

Listen, Kenny, I can't get anyone to go
to this party with me.

Well, go on your own.

No, that'd be like failure.

Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry I
mentioned it.

Hi. Hello again.

Please, Kenny, you've got to help me out
here.

Can I call you back?

Is that what you found to ask me?

I'm sorry.

That's OK.

Look, Linda.

No one will go with you because they
know Spike wants to. So here's a really

wild suggestion.

Go with Spike.

You heard the man.

No way.

Absolutely no way. You got that, both of
you?

Nice try, thanks.

I don't know what we're saying now.

Nah.

Oh, Rachel.

Tough review.

Yeah.

That was a hell of a cracker at my
mother.

Tough review.

It is.

I mean, it's... Tough.

Listen, we've got to talk. Well, hi,
Guy.

Hell of a review, eh, Raymond?

Bet it was fun to read.

Sam worked for the paper, too. She
writes a column on past.

If you think it's bad now, you should
have seen it before it was cut.

It isn't.

It is, you know. Just about three little
words.

I've got an important one.

So, Raymond, how are you feeling?

I bet you hate all the convictions now.

No. No, it's just tough.

I mean, when you read something like
that, it's... I don't know.

Tough?

Yeah, tough.

Raymond, there's something you should
know about this review.

Something you don't know at the moment.

The person who wrote it has just moved
to Brazil.

What? It was very sudden. They just
stopped and moved.

You're not likely to meet them, so I'd
just stop worrying about it if I were

you. I'm not worrying about it.

Good.

Look, why don't we go to the community
centre?

I want to see your dressing rooms.

I just know I'm going to take a big
interest in your acting career.

What? You mean go now?

Yeah, sure.

Or I can run through your lines with
you.

You ought to know some of them.

What? Nothing.

Come on.

Just a minute, just a minute.

I don't know if I'm ready for this yet.

I mean, after a review like that, it's,
well... Tough.

What are you telling me, Raymond? You
can't act with shoulders like those.

Hey, I never thought of it that way.

So let's go.

What's one review? What does some stupid
little newspaper have to know?

You know, you're right.

You're absolutely right.

So, let's go?

Yeah.

Lex, one thing I want you to notice
about tonight's show.

I've heard theory as well, I tell you.

No, look, you don't understand. It's not
misrouting now, it's stopped.

Look, the problem is that I need to call
the person that I used to call when I

was trying to call the other number.

Look, there must be something you can
do.

Please.

that I need to speak to the person that
I was misrouted to.

Look, you've got to be able to do
something.

Yes, well, I'm very pleased that you've
fixed the problem there. Could you

please just unfix it for a minute?

Oh, well, thank you very much. Thank you
very bloody much.

But you've asked every single guy in the
newsroom, and that accounts for your

entire social life.

Face it, Linda. Do you want to wear an
item? No chance, Thompson.

Why don't you just give up and face the
fact that you're crazy about?

I'm crazy about you.

Who's been doing all the asking for the
last six months?

Yeah, and who had Charlotte Rendell
here? Died 14 different colours because

went out with her for one night.

You beat up a guy because he wrote about
me on a wall. That makes you crazier.

Look, will you two just shut up?

Look, what is it with you two?

You want to go out with each other. We
all know you want to go out with each

other. So here's a little idea off the
top of my head. Go out with each other

and give us all a bit of peace.

Before you say a word, shut up.

There's a theory in this newsroom that
if you keep your mouth shut for more

30 seconds, your head will explode. So
prove us all wrong. The only thing I

to hear your mouth do is to ask Spike to
this party.

Now. This minute.

Spike, want to go to a party? Spike?

Yeah, sure. I'd love to.

Good. And furthermore, I am now
designating this party as your first

date.

You see, Linda, it wasn't so difficult
after all, was it?

Are you going to let him speak to me
like this?

And then in fourth year, there was this
girl called Liz Turner.

Do you remember her, Sarah?

Look, Kenny, I don't think this is... I
was so mad about her, but I never worked

up the courage to speak to her or
anything.

I got Freddie Benson, who was like my
best friend at the time, to ask her out

for me. How did it go?

Pretty well, really. They're still
dating.

Kenny, I really think we should get off
this subject.

Do you know why Jenny dumped me?

She said I was the most understanding
person she'd ever met, and we had to

up before she strangled me.

I got my own back on her.

I told her I understood.

What point are you trying to make?

Well, you know, I'm actually getting
sick of people with successful love

I'm sick of happy relationships.

But anyway, what's happening to you
lately?

Oh, nothing.