Original subtitles

I've heard that story.

So there were these three guys, OK? All of them gorgeous.

Cos they're all gorgeous in that story.

And the thing was, right, they're all coming on to me at the same time. And

said you were interested that they'd have to find one more.

No, it's not that story.

Oh, is it your other one?

Anyway, the problem was, they all had the same name. They're all called Peter.

I remember it now.

So I said, look, guys, I can't call you all Peter.

I'll have to call you all Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

Six, seven and eight.

What? A clock.

Graham's been phoned in. He can't make it. How long's he been in charge of

sports? Two months.

And he's been to four meetings.

Replace him.

If he's safe, though, boss, what do I tell him? Goodbye.

A real bleeding heart, aren't you? Bleeding what?

My mistake.

I'm here. No fuzz, people.

Hey, just treat me like any other guy with a charisma overload.

Hi, Spike.

Hey, tits. I mean, like, wow.

I mean, like, hold me up and hose me down.

Stand up a minute, will you?

No, you're still not tall.

Spike.

I made this, Beth. What did you think when you turned the lights on?

Uh -uh. Now, now, girls.

Hey, I had another one of those.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Kenny, just to say, sorry I forgot the meeting last night.

Tonight?

Sorry I forgot the meeting tonight.

Colin, in and sit.

Linda, why do we always have Spike at these meetings?

He can be useful.

Why not just admit you're here because you fancy him? I do not fancy him.

One look at him and you just break into a sweat.

Kenny, you know as well as I do, Spike Thompson has absolutely no effect on me

whatsoever. Hey, Linda, is it okay if I borrow this pencil?

Will you stop making stupid, subjective remarks?

Okay, let's get started.

Hang on, not yet. A woman has no sense of addition.

Sorry, Linda. I, for one, am not speaking to a mouthful.

Fair enough. That, I suppose, means something in your head.

Call the mouth part, lady. Talk like that could put your hair on fire.

Oh, is that why it looks that way?

People, we have a secondary explosion here.

Hi, everyone. The pizzas are here. Yeah, all right.

Kerr liked the article on the town planners, but he thinks we should go a

easier if we do a follow -up.

He thought the double spread on the local cinemas would look good around a

supper, and I agreed with him. Let's ditch that idea.

Sam, no -one likes the new graphics for the TV column. Can we switch back to the

old one?

Some people have no taste. I know, but we won't hold this against you.

OK, next week.

Geoff's at the Town Hall, Kate's in Sherrington, and Graham's at the Garden

Centre. So who's going to cover the College Open Day?

Sarah, can you spare Gordon from features?

I tell you what, give us two more hours of computer time and it's a deal. Linda?

Done.

Virginia Hume, children's author.

She used to live round here. She's back visiting.

Staying with her sister, apparently.

Sarah? I've picked up an interview.

Linda, that's junior page.

What? Well, Virginia Hume writes for pre -teens, so it's junior page.

It's general interest.

Linda, it's features.

Linda, how am I supposed to cover pre -teens if Sarah gets all the material?

It had better be good. Count on it. And take the bike with you. From what I

hear, she's kind of difficult.

You and me, Spike? Hey, brains and beauty.

Yeah. So what are you bringing?

Very funny, Spike.

She's hopeless and you know it. That's why you dumped her on graphics.

We weren't dumping her. We built the artwork. Don't give me that, Kenny.

Graphics has been a dumping ground since we started here. Get every dronger who

walks through that door and misses.

OK, so you say you want rid of Claire Pearson.

Why don't we just kick her out onto street reporting?

I'm saying, as head of the graphics department, there's no room for her with

All right, Sam.

Good, thank you.

Tell her.

What? As head of the graphics department.

Oh, come on.

OK, a new idea.

I've got Colin along to give us a rundown of the financial situation.

Strictly speaking, this should be done as a written report, but so far Colin

been unable to provide one.

For good reasons? For a number of good reasons, yes. The date, 39.

39? I'm not counting the one about the crops failure in Bolivia.

Right then, Colin, simple question first.

How much money did we take in on the last edition?

Colin?

You're not hiding anything there, are you? No, no, I left it at home.

I mean... Colin, how much money did we take in on the last edition?

Some. Could you be a little more specific?

Some and a bit.

Some and a bit.

Ish.

Colin, if you don't give me a full, detailed and accurate rundown of the

financial situation at this meeting next week, do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to start giving Gazette money to charity and I'm going to make you

write the checks.

Are you OK, Colin?

Can I have a glass of water, please?

Who does she think she is?

The troubled Linda, Colin, is she thinks she's Linda.

It's kind of a toughie to shake, really.

This cover is multicoloured.

Never took off. No.

I don't understand. So why don't you just give Linda a rundown on the

Spike, the Gazette profits are not always entirely accessible.

You know what I'm saying?

I think I do.

Well, I mean, they've been invested, circulated, lodged, vented, spent -ish.

What about a sucker gun?

What do you do with those? Shoot your customers?

I've got a shifty, Spike.

I've seen around 428 of them. How many?

Oh, I just saw this amazing bargain price. I had the money in my pocket and

everything just went black.

Hamsters?

Forgot about those.

What about Linda?

You've got to stop worrying, Colin.

Like your hamsters.

How can I stop worrying with Linda?

Well, Linda, you've just got to stay cool.

Like your hamsters.

Fine. So I stop worrying, play it cool, then I go into the meeting next week

without a financial report.

What happens then?

Like your hamsters.

Bye. Bye.

Clear them away when you're finished with them, girls.

He wants to see us.

Yep. Sit down.

We know why.

You do? Yeah. You want us to market these.

Death sweets.

What? Or gobble.

Sophie, demonstrate.

Raspberry.

Want to try some?

Spike, what are you doing?

Walking tits. It's an old feet trick. Yeah, we're supposed to be having a

meeting about the Virginia Hume interview.

Ah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what. You do the talking and I'll do the being

somewhere else. Relax, okay?

Spike.

Don't you think you could be a little nicer to someone you know has a crush on

you?

I don't mean me.

I know you didn't say you meant me, but it's obvious... Shut up, Spike!

You know, I remember when Linda used to need two for a conversation.

I don't.

Claire?

Can we have a word in the graphics room?

Well, shouldn't I finish this first?

No.

Back with you in a moment, Jeff.

Don't hold your breath.

Oh, by the way, here's the tape you wanted.

What? You said you wanted Lone of It, remember?

Oh, right.

Thanks, Claire. No problem.

Yvonne Morley?

Hi. Bye, Thompson.

Listen, do you want to get it together with someone even prettier than you are?

Oh, and there's a party at my house two weeks from now.

I'd love you to come.

There's tons of people I want you to meet.

I've been telling them all about you. Can we talk about this in a minute,

Claire?

Can everyone clear out and speak to Claire?

Um, is this important?

Yes, Claire, it is important.

I think it's very important.

I'm Claire.

Now, I've got a note here of all the stuff you've been doing since you

And there's something I have to say.

I simply have to say this, Claire.

I really do have to say it.

Say what?

How are you, Claire?

Is that what you had to say?

Yes, it is. How are you?

Fine.

Fine, you say?

Yeah, fine.

Fine.

Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up. Thanks for your time, Claire.

It's okay.

Yvonne, I am not upset with Linda Day.

Who told you that?

Yeah, but she's talking rubbish.

Hey, he's talking rubbish too.

Yeah, well, those two are always talking rubbish.

Oh, look, you can never believe the school football team.

I want real dirt girls to flee.

Saying from Linda Day's past she's trying to forget.

You're going to blackmail her? Oh, I wouldn't call it blackmail. Why not?

Someone might hear.

OK, we'll see what we can find. But you've got to remember about the other

thing. What other thing?

Our goal balls.

I'll remember them. Probably forever. Now go.

All right, then.

Claire. Anne, how do I do?

You know about that?

Well, yeah, I mean, it is kind of important, isn't it?

Important, Kenny?

You just asked me how I was.

Yeah, well, that's important.

So how are you?

Well, fine.

Fine, eh?

Great.

I can't do it, Sam.

Sam, be serious.

Sam, why should I fire someone from the graphics department?

You're an expert in dumping women.

You've been through more girls than Rubella.

No deal, Sam.

And while we're not on the subject, why did you tell Yvonne Morley that I was

obsessed with Linda? You didn't want her to know.

Sam, I am not obsessed with Linda.

And stop looking at me like that.

Are you coming?

Yeah.

You look down, Fred.

Yeah, well, you know, it is just tension, I guess. Hey, tension, I can

that. Stress city, right? Yeah, I just don't seem to be able to find a readily

available and harmless method of relaxation at a price I can afford.

You know, Frazz, a lot of people have said that to me, and that's why CM

Enterprises have come up with the rubber relaxer. What is a rubber relaxer? I'm

glad you asked me that.

It's one of these, Frazz, a rubberized tactile tension extractor.

Tests have proven by wearing one of these, you can actually reduce frowning.

That is amazing.

Yes. And at a price you can afford.

Only one pound for a CM Enterprises rubber relaxer. Nine out of ten people

who've tried them couldn't be bothered saying whether they'd worked or not.

on, formal only queue. No fighting at the back. Come on, suckers. I mean,

people. Nice try.

They'll buy them. I'll make them buy them.

Colin.

Colin. We've got it.

The dirt.

Oh, Linda.

Myra, come on.

But you're the perfect one to do it. You've got that deal in you, Kenny.

I see.

So you think that if you can perch on my desk, cross your legs, flatter me a

bit, ruffle my hair, that I'm going to fire Claire Pearson for you, is that it?

I haven't ruffled your hair.

So you're not even trying, are you? Nice line, Kenny.

Yeah, well, yeah.

I'm beginning to think there are hidden depths in you. I've got depths like you

wouldn't believe.

I just don't spend enough time there.

Are you trying to impress me?

Claire, can I see you in the meeting room, now or sooner?

I'm impressed.

I'm going to go in there now, and if you hear screaming, you know what to do.

Calm you down and get you a glass of water?

No. Watch and weep.

The latter of them, Dalton, Hallingham, never fails.

I'm really nervous.

Sounds really awful, I'm afraid.

Relax. Old ladies eat out of my hand.

Kind of embarrassing, really. Have to fight them off in the street.

Uh, hi.

Virginia Hume.

We're from the Junior Gazette. We fined last week, but I think we were cut off.

You weren't cut off.

I put the phone down on you.

Eat out of your hand, do they?

Yeah, well, it works better with sugar lumps.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Did you say come in there?

Do you want me to get the police?

Well, do you know how long it'll take them to arrive?

Don't bother phoning. Take out an ad with the local paper.

There are two things that I can't abide.

Children and Americans.

Yeah, well, look on the bright side. I'm not a child and she's not an American.

How

long

is this going to continue?

You have ten minutes.

No problem.

So how is she?

Still fine.

Hello,

Junior Gazette. At the tone, leave your name and number and we'll phone you

back.

Linda, this is Kenny. Look, I know you're there. Pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone, Linda.

Look, we agreed you'd take Sundays off. You need Sundays off, Linda.

OK, if you don't answer the phone, I'm going to keep on talking.

Talk your ears off, Linda. You won't be able to work for me talking.

I mean it, Linda.

OK, here goes.

All right, Colin, in you come.

Thanks, sir.

Mind if I relax, sir?

Pardon?

Thank you, sir.

I expect you're wondering what this is.

No. You wanted to see me, Colin?

Oh, I did. About Linda Day.

Linda? What a girl. Sort of a fireproof Joan of Arc, right? A merry Queen of

Scots with her head together.

The most glowing example of womankind since Madame Curie. Colin, where's all

this going?

Oh, Prime Minister, I reckon.

Colin! Well, sir, some of us down at the Gazette, some of the more devout

admirers of Linda, are trying to get together a special Linda Day exhibition.

We're calling it A Day Goes By.

Go on.

And I was just wondering if you had any, I don't know, trivia from her past.

You've no idea what a thrill just an old report card would be. We could spend

many happy hours just reading aloud from her old medical records.

Did you have anything specific in mind?

Well, sir, there was just one thing.

A children's story she wrote in the first year. I believe it was called...

The Fluffy Wuffies and the Silly Billies.

This is so Linda, isn't it, sir?

Colin, I think if that book were to fall into the wrong hands, it would cause

Linda considerable embarrassment.

Ah, I understand what you're saying, sir, and you can rely on me.

You wanted to see me today to get that book, didn't you?

Well, you're a busy man, sir. I wouldn't have wanted to see you for nothing,

would I?

And I don't want to see you for that door.

Out!

Rosemary, what class is Linda Day in at the moment, please?

Get that book. I don't care what you have to do to get it. Just get it.

Malignant. Hey, that's a good one. Get malignant.

I've already got nine insults in the first round, bro.

Hey, yeah, well, at least one for the second. We don't want a stag in the

middle. That's his prowl, hasn't he? Asking us to stand on plastic mats when

didn't mark our class.

Monstrous. Hey, that's a good M1.

I can't believe that woman writes children's stories.

Or am I going to have to sit her up? Malicious?

Hey, that's three M words.

Kid, I wonder if we could make up a whole sentence starting with the same

letter. Dicks are looking good in jeans.

Ten minutes with her and I thought Linda would be a nice person.

Well, maybe if we'd been there an hour.

She's got more than she says to read it straight off. Hey, Sarah, what's that on

your forehead?

Nothing.

Hey, was that a thing?

You spoke to her?

Excuse me.

Yvonne Morley, are you one lucky kid.

Spike,

if you wanted a mirror, couldn't you just ask me for mine?

Yeah, but how much spare time is there when you're not using it?

Good point.

Thank you.

You think that you can really do it?

Really? It's no problem. Facts of management.

You've got to spill a little blood now and then.

Don't bother you at all.

Look, tough decisions are part of the job. If you lot haven't got that into

heads by now, it's lucky I have.

Now, excuse me. I've got to go and get a little brutal.

Right, then.

Linda, I've got to know what's happening here.

Everyone's got something to tell me, but they just can't seem to say it.

I'll tell you what I think.

I'm being fired from the graphic department, aren't I?

Of course you're not being fired, Claire.

Never gave you that idea.

Yvonne Morley.

Tonight's lucky winner is Spike Thompson.

Yvonne? Hi.

Hi. So, which one's Linda?

Beats me. I can never remember.

Should we go?

But this is the Junior Gazette.

Yeah, and these are the doors. Hey, come on, let's use them. Mind if I look

around? Yeah, I do, actually. I'm glad you understand.

I want to have a look around.

Linda.

Oh, sorry, Claire.

OK. Noah, you say you're leaving the junior gazette anyway?

Yeah, we're moving.

I won't be able to make it here in the evening.

And I thought, what if I was being fired? Which you weren't. Which I

I was just going to say it didn't really matter.

Claire, can you do me a big favour?

Do you think he's doing it?

No, not a chance.

The thing about Linda is, Sam, she's not half as hard as she wants you to think.

Here we go.

You fired her? Right off the paper, yes.

I was just going to blow her out to the graduate's department, but then I

thought, what the hell? Okay, let's hit the street.

Anyone you want to impress, just walk me by. Hi, Spike.

Sorry, Spike. Don't know what came over me. Must be firing people.

Spike? Is that the girl you're not obsessed with?

What? Hey, no.

Listen, um... Yvonne. Yvonne!

Forget it, Spike. No, that was a joke. You didn't take that seriously, did you?

Yvonne!

So she just quit then, did she?

Yep.

OK, everyone, how can I put this?

Fine, I'll paste that part for now.

Hiddler, about your Virginia Hume piece.

You said you liked it.

I don't think we can print it as it stands.

Well, you said we could. You said there'd be no problem. I know, but...

stand by everything I said in that article.

She's a complete and utter cow, and I want everyone to know it.

Look, we just got a phone call. They took her into hospital about an hour

Massive heart attack.

At her age, I don't think she'd like you to... Well, I just thought maybe you'd

appreciate the chance of changing some of the wording.

Yeah.

So Sullivan never suspected you were working for me?

No. He just gave us the book. No problem.

We said we needed it for a school project.

Well done, girls. You've saved my neck.

If I know Linda, she'll do anything to keep this hidden.

Have you read it yet?

No. Well, let's just see how embarrassing it really is, shall we?

Once upon a time in the lands of the Fluffy Wuffies and the Silly Billies,

lived a beautiful princess and an evil goblin.

She's going to die.

The evil little goblin would often get up to all manner of mischievous things,

and the beautiful princess had her work cut out just trying to put a stop to it.

This is it. I've finally got her.

One day, the beautiful princess told the evil little goblin that if he didn't

have his financial report ready for the next Junior Gazette meeting, she would

cut off his... Sullivan told me.

I've reached the book. Uh, Linda, um, about these profits I'm still supposed

have as such.

Tell me at the meeting.

Why don't you wear one of these? It might help you relax.

Colin, I wouldn't be seen dead.

Hey, the Beatles are here!

Yeah!

Hey, Frazz, you look down. Oh, I'm fine, Colin. It's just that old tension

again. But, Frazz, you're already wearing your CM Enterprises rubberised

extractor. Well, I guess there are just some situations where even a sucker on

the forehead isn't enough. You know, Frazz, that's so true.

And that's why those clever people at CM Enterprises have come up with this.

It's another CM Enterprises rubberised tension extractor. You mean I could wear

two suckers on my forehead?

Isn't that just a little dangerous? Not at all, Frazz, but it's a lot more

relaxing. Hey, I feel better already.

You know, I just can't imagine how you guys are going to keep up with the

inevitable increased demand for these suckers. We're already up in production,

Fred. In fact, do you know our new sucker slogan?

There's one made every minute.