Original subtitles

Kenny's here. Come down and see Kenny.

Linda, I'm warning you. Get down those stairs.

Linda!

Come on, Linda. Get a move on.

He's in the garden. Go and get him his present.

Linda, I'm warning you.

Did you tidy your room?

Linda? Yes?

Well, I'm going to go and look, and if I find you haven't...

Hello,

Linda. It's my birthday today.

No, it isn't.

Is that my present?

No.

You can have a shot of my sword if you want.

What's your dog's name?

Jasper.

It was doggy before.

It's Jasper.

Linda, this room is not tidy. Upstairs and tidy it now.

Do I have to come down and get you?

Right.

Where are you going?

Your mum's coming.

Kenny,

where's Linda?

Kenny? Oh, hello, Mrs Day.

Where's Linda?

She just popped out for a minute.

Sam, please.

Are you telling me you wiggle like that and don't know it?

Look, can we discuss your proposed spending programme for the Graphics

Department's quarterly budget allocation?

What does that word mean?

Which one?

Anyone.

Look, I need to talk to you about how you're spending the money.

I told you, I gave you that submission thingy. Yeah, right. Let's have a look,

shall we?

Where's the Department of Spending Proposals? An HB pencil and a thumb bit.

Well, I can explain the pencil.

Yeah, well, keep going.

Kenny, I need a sunbed. I need a skin tint that goes with my hair colour.

And you think that's a justified office purchase, do you? Yeah, of course it's

justified. If I don't stay gorgeous, what are the guys around here going to

think about at night?

I'm sure they'll manage to think about someone else.

Exactly.

Well, we'll compromise then. How about a hole in the roof?

Sonia, push off a minute, will you?

So, how are you feeling?

Hey. About Jenny? About being dumped any better?

You know how it is.

Nah, I'm fine, really. I just have this occasional tendency to drop to my knees,

beat the ground with my fists and sob hysterically.

Mum has to tether me up in the garden at night so I can howl at the moon.

But basically, I'm still the warm, lovable human being as I ever was.

Except I can't speak to brunettes without attempting to strangle them.

Speaking of brunettes... Hey, there are other girls in the world.

Yeah? That's what everyone says, but I don't believe them.

So what can I do for you then, boss? With you in a moment, Kenny.

Oh, miss.

Ruby Grogan? Yes?

Sorry, but Spike won't be coming in today. Oh? He's a bit off colour.

Well, parts of him. This is rash again.

He's what?

He's horribly inflamed.

Inflamed? Horribly, yes. Well, you know, that's when the swords start, right?

Well, should I go and see him? Well, actually, look at him, you mean. Oh, no,

wouldn't advise that. Anyway, it's contagious.

It is?

Very. You haven't been touching anything of his, have you?

Well, I sat in his chair.

You'll be all right. I know you will.

You told her I was busy. Yes.

Thanks.

Who is she, Spike?

No, she's just some girl who's got stuck. I mean, she follows me everywhere

go, spies on every girl that I talk to. She won't leave me alone for a minute.

Who's that, Linda?

Ah, not you, Linda. I mean some other idiot.

I mean, look, maybe it's best if I just... Amazing,

really. How could anyone be madly in love with you?

I don't know.

But then again, I'm the only person in this conversation who isn't. No, I am.

Oh, cute.

Can we talk, Spike, man to man?

Man to what?

So what can I do for you then, boss?

We'll do you in a moment, Kenny.

Thanks, boss.

Kenny, where did Sarah... Linda?

Ruby, Grogan, Spike, just stay away from her.

Don't tell me you're falling in love again.

And you haven't got round to telling the lady yet.

Ethel's still got two, right? I'm warning you, Spike, just keep away from

I'm trying to.

What are you going to do if I don't?

Spike, I don't want to get violent.

Violent? Well, rude.

Rude? Well, a bit offhand, certainly.

Well, more kind of reserved, you know, distant, coldly polite.

So if I don't stay away from Ruby, you're going to get polite with me?

Yeah.

And that's just the starters.

It's only a photograph, Linda.

Where did Sarah get this?

Something she's working on.

Why? What's the matter?

Nothing. Look, could you get me the sales figures for last month? I'm going

need them before the meeting.

Sure thing.

Hey!

You're lost, aren't you? You don't know where you are, do you?

Do so.

Where are you then? Bet you don't know the name of the street.

Bet you don't. I do.

What is it then?

Jasper Street.

Jasper Street. Jasper Street.

Jasper Street.

Was I shouting?

You were calling for your mummy.

You haven't done that since you were a baby.

Nightmare? Yeah.

But I'm okay. I'm fine.

Everything's under control.

You sure?

I'm not a baby now, Mum.

You're still a mummy. Don't say it. Don't say I'm still your baby.

I wasn't going to.

But you are.

Mum?

Did I ever have a sort of wood carving thing?

A grinning man?

Yes, I think you did.

It was years ago, though.

Good night, Mum.

Are you sure you're all right?

I'm fine. You don't want to come in with me?

Mum, I'm 16.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Mum.

Leave the light on.

Linda, it's four o 'clock in the morning.

Look, I'm sure it was your birthday or something, maybe about ten years ago.

I ran off somewhere and got lost, remember?

No.

Yeah, vaguely.

Turned out you was only a couple of streets away, yeah?

Yeah.

Didn't I bring you home?

That's right, that was the birthday you didn't give me a present.

I did. I remember.

I'm sure I had a present for you.

Yeah, you had one, all right. You just didn't give it to me.

Well, I'd got lost that day. It probably just slipped my mind. Look. Your mind?

You buried it in a flower bed.

I only found it four years later. I was grave -digging for one of your hamster

funerals. Look, I don't think this is the right time to discuss birthday

presents. Why not?

Kenny, it's four o 'clock in the morning!

Sarah! Linda, spot on my chin. How's it doing?

It could go off at any moment. Don't stay close to anyone you love.

Yeah, it was something I was going to ask you about.

Old lady at the end of our street, she was burgled. There was nothing very

valuable, but a lot of stuff she was kind of, well, attached to.

Including this?

Yeah.

The police got together photographs of the missing items.

The recognisable stuff, you know.

And I was wondering, well, she's kind of an old friend of the family.

Maybe we could publish them. Someone might recognise something.

It could help.

This was burgled from the old lady's house?

Yeah.

You know what's funny?

Grace had one of these when I was a kid.

He used to sit on the shelf in my room.

You know, it scared the living daylights out of me. I used to have nightmares

about it.

Is something the matter?

You're wrong. You must be.

I've told you, your memory's playing tricks.

It isn't. It can't be.

This is so weird.

Look, I've been trying to explain to you all day. Her husband did wood carvings.

Yeah, right. So?

It was a hobby. He never made more than one of anything. That's a fact.

But you couldn't have had one of those because that's the only one there is.

for all 30 -odd years of its little wooden life, it's been in the same house

the same shelf, probably. Until last month when the house was burgled.

Then how did it end up in my bedroom ten years before it was stolen?

It didn't. I told you, your memory's playing tricks.

It isn't, you know.

It really isn't.

What's your name?

Jasper.

Jasper.

This is stupid. This is really stupid.

Trick of the memory, eh?

Why not, I suppose.

Trick of the memory.

Memory trick.

And now, why not, trick of the memory.

Mum!

Mum, I am not still your baby.

Are you sure?

That was quite a scream.

Look, I just got a fright, OK?

It's just that you were talking about it the other day.

I found it in the back of the hall cupboard and I thought you'd be

Couldn't you just have shown it to me? Did you have to leave it lurking around

the kitchen?

It wasn't lurking. It was sitting on the table.

It was lurking.

I'm sorry.

So where did we get it?

We didn't. You just appeared home with it one day.

From where?

Don't you remember?

Well, you were very young.

It's more than that.

It's like something I just don't think about.

Something I'm not in the habit of thinking about.

Do you know what I feel when I look at this?

Frightened?

Guilty.

As if there's something I've done that I shouldn't have.

Or something I haven't done that I should have.

Yeah, that's it.

Something I should have done.

But didn't. Right.

And I'll tell you something else. See this? It's unique.

Absolutely unique.

There's only one of these in the whole world, and this isn't it.

Impossible, right?

Not at all. In fact, it's really quite simple.

Simple? Yes.

This wood carving wasn't stolen until last month. Is that right? Yeah, but it

was in my bedroom ten years ago.

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

A freak wormhole has opened up in the fabric of the space -time continuum.

This seemingly insignificant wood carving has been sucked back in time ten

to the bedroom of the infant Linda Day.

But what awesome celestial forces are behind this strange phenomenon?

And what, Linda, is their evil purpose?

We shall have to act quickly to save the entire universe.

Of course. It's Friday lunchtime.

Ah. I do have another explanation, if you're interested.

It's as good as your last one.

Oh, no, not nearly as good.

But it's the right one.

Come on.

It's fine.

Hold on.

Now, Ruby, I don't fancy you.

Not even a little bit, you know.

In fact, Ruby, I don't like you very much at all.

In fact, I despise you.

Have you got that?

I said, have you got that?

Okay, Spock, just hold it right there. Oh, no, it's Colin. You bet it's Colin

Scumble. Hey, Colin, don't hit me.

Oh, you'll be sorry.

You all right, Ruby?

I heard what you were saying to this poor kid. You're the worst type of

do you know that? Just come on. You're the kind of guy that makes these

corridors unsafe for decent girls to walk along at night.

Or in the daytime, even.

I'm going to have to teach you a serious lesson, scum.

Of course, I didn't want physical violence of any type.

But like they say, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Got to do.

Wasting time with a guy like you, Paul.

You're not worth it.

Go on.

Get out.

Thanks, Carl.

Scumbag. No, I won't win.

Sorry, I just needed a kid to nap me a bit.

Pardon?

Didn't say anything.

You sure?

We know for a fact this man never made more than one of anything, right?

Right. Which means that there can only be the one.

Right? Right.

Wrong.

Bookends. A pair of bookends.

Sir, you're a genius.

Well, as long as we both think so. Thanks, sir, really.

Sir. What?

Even if it is one of a pair of bookends, why do I have it?

Linda, are you never satisfied?

I've just saved the universe.

Are you sure you're all right, Spike?

Yes, Ruby.

He was so mean to you.

Yes, Ruby.

I can't stand guys like that.

Can you?

No, Ruby.

Very clever.

But how did you come to have this?

I don't know. I honestly don't remember.

But you must do.

Sarah, I was only a kid at the time. What, even so?

Look, I can't remember, OK? I wish I could.

Why don't you ask Mrs. Williams? It's her I must have got it from.

Linda?

I think your memory's coming back. What? I didn't tell you her name.

Oh, hello.

Are you not?

Yeah.

What's your name?

Jasper.

Jasper?

That's a funny name for a girl.

Sam's got a new spending proposal, then. She didn't even spell Jacuzzi right.

You OK?

Something I should have done.

I'm off.

Where?

Linda, where are you going?

Jasper Street.

Where do you live?

Next door to Miss Maxwell.

Miss Maxwell?

I'm afraid I don't know where that is.

Oh, that's my family.

They live in Australia.

And you see her?

She's my granddaughter.

She's just about the same age as you.

You see all these?

My husband carved them.

Now look at this.

It's a funny one, isn't it?

Oh, just a minute. There's someone at the door.

Now you can keep this one if you like, but only if you promise me something.

You've got to promise you'll come and visit me again. Do promise.

Now, you sure you know the way home?

Right then, off you go.

And I never went back.

So what? A promise you made when you were six years old. Big deal.

Yeah, but it's just typical of me, though, isn't it?

I mean, a lonely old lady. Linda, you were six.

I haven't changed much, have I?

Sometimes I think I'm not a very nice person.

Well, I like you.

You like everyone.

Well, we're here.

Well, come on, then.

What are you doing?

What you came here to do.

Hang about, Linda. You're already ten years late.

Remember we used to do this and run away?

I ran away. You stayed and apologised.

Kenny, this is stupid. She'll be ancient by now. There isn't a chance she'll

recognise us. So what did you come for then?

Your best smile now.

Oh, hello.

You don't know us. Well, you do know us.

I'm Kenny Phillips and this is Linda Day.

We sort of met you when we were kids.

It was about ten years ago. You gave me this.

Look, maybe you don't remember.

You'd better come in, Jasper.

And you'll come... again soon.

Promise? Yes, Mrs. Williams.

Bye, Mrs. Williams.

Bye.

It's my birthday today.

No, it isn't.

You're sulking, Kenny.

Linda, I am not sulking. Is it because I rejected your computing article?

I didn't know you'd rejected it.

You thought it got torn in half by accident?

Breaking it for me gently, were you?

No, it's not because you rejected my computing article.

Is it what I said about your mother?

What did you say about my mother?

Oh, nothing.

Come on, Kenny, what is it?

Well, if you have to know, it is something you said.

What? Linda, I do not like everybody.

Kenny, that was just something I said in the heat of the moment.

Don't take it to heart.

I'm sick of people thinking I'm just this reasonable, decent, likeable guy.

Well, nobody thinks that.

There are lots of people I don't like. Yeah?

Of course.

Name one.

What? I'm curious.

Name one person you really hate. Who's top of your personal hit list?

Well, I wouldn't like to single out who I hate the most. Why not?

Well, it wouldn't be fair on them.

You really do like everyone, don't you?

I don't like Mr Cavendish, the math teacher.

Well, no one likes him. He's a half -dead, single, old psychopath.

Linda, he's not that bad.

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