Original subtitles

You know, I'd love to, but I promised to see my gran tonight.

I wish I could, Linda, but I've got this pile of homework you wouldn't believe.

Sorry, Linda!

I told my mum I'd help her paint the garden, or something.

Oh, no, any night but today, hmm?

I mean any day but tonight.

Could you tell me what excuses haven't been used yet?

I've seen this guy, right?

Rich, when he left for his wedding, he threw credit cards.

Sorry. And his right foot takes the lead. But his left foot catches up. Now

right foot comes back. And as they round the first turn, his feet are neck and

neck, which is a pretty good trick for feet.

But what's up ahead? A couple of female admirers. Don't think much of yours.

Spike, how sweet.

You found a couple of friends.

Well, you know what they say. Always stand by your feet.

Anyway, kid, I love to stand, Paul. But your blouse doesn't match your skirt,

and it's really annoying me. His left, his right, his left.

Spike, have you got anything on tonight?

Just my kidney transplant.

They can mail it to me.

Good.

Oh, no, come on, Linda.

Not a yellow. It's Saturday.

Sarah, I'm being angry. Don't spoil it.

Can you believe this? I've got so much homework.

I'll be voting age before I've finished and she dumps the yellow chit on me.

I'll take it for you.

What? I'll take your yellow.

She'll never let you. She never lets the younger kids. Yeah, but if I ask her

and she says yes, can I take it?

Yeah, sure. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Vinnie, bye.

Yeah, that's OK, Sarah.

Great.

What does she want to borrow my calculator for anyway?

I don't know.

I've just remembered I'm visiting my aunt in Sherrington. She's ill again and

it's very serious.

Kenny, two weeks ago you were at your aunt in Sherrington's funeral.

I sort of assumed she was dead at the time.

Yeah, well, that's serious.

And his left foot is leading on a final leg, and as his arm goes out to reach

for the door handle, the crowd is going absolutely wild.

What's this?

Well, either it's the screwed -up ball of yellow paper, or you've done

terrible to a canary.

Spike, once a month I ask you to do late duty in the newsroom. Is that such a

big deal? From 5 .30 to 10 o 'clock on a Saturday night? Yeah, that's a big

deal. I'm not doing it.

Can I just remind you of a few basic facts of life?

Sure. I'll tell you when you get to my favourite.

You joined the Junior Gazette because you had to. Because it was either that

getting kicked out of the school.

That's not it.

This place is your last chance, Thompson.

Yeah, right.

Which means one phone call from me to Sullivan saying you're not pulling your

weight and you are out with a capital everything.

And I don't just mean out of the Gazette, Thompson.

I mean out of the school.

You don't turn up tonight.

I'll make that phone call.

Make your phone call. I will be here. Hey, Spy, come on. This is... Kenny, get

me Sullivan's home phone number. Linda, come on. Look, you two, let's just leave

it. Shut up, Kenny. You're spoiling the fun. Well, let me just leave it. Shut

up, Kenny. You're spoiling my fun.

Linda, this is stupid.

Kenny, Sullivan's home phone number now. Right, OK.

This is so stupid.

Jeff, the phone.

You still here? Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this. It's the first time I've seen you really enjoying

yourself. Keep watching.

Linda, is this about yesterday?

It's got nothing to do with yesterday.

Yesterday? Look, could everybody just stop going on about yesterday, OK?

Is this the number?

Yeah. Good.

Tell me one more time, Spike.

Tell me you're not coming in tonight so I can phone right now and really enjoy

it.

Come on, Spike. Make my day.

Spike, no!

Linda, this is getting right out of hand.

Look, just... Tell her you're coming.

What's one evening? What's five hours?

I'm dialling, Spike.

She's dialling, Sarah.

She's in kind of a funny mood at the moment.

Did you hear about yesterday?

Yeah, sure. Wasn't that yesterday?

Mr Sullivan?

This is Linda. Could you wait just one moment?

Goodbye. Send her the postcard. Wish you were there already.

Kenny?

Yeah?

Why have I just found the weather forecast?

Fridge.

Tiddler, why do you keep saying that? Saying what?

Fridge. Because my mum says I'm not to use bad words, so I say fridge whenever

need to say fridge.

You just said fridge both times there.

And you thought you'd catch me out.

What are you writing?

Nothing, just my English assignment.

Right. What are you doing?

It's not here, so I'm phoning Sullivan to tell him.

It's only just on 5 .30.

I'm not getting a dialing tone.

Would it help if I blew in this end?

Reconnect that.

Look, it could be that he's just late. Let's give him some time. He's had time.

He's already said he's not coming.

Reconnect the phone.

And what's it going to look like if you get Sullivan all ready with the axe in

the head basket and then Spike comes through that door two minutes later?

Now, look, you're doing great. You know, one day you're even going to like being

nice. Kenny, you're wrong about this. I'm not out to get Spike.

Believe me, nothing, nothing could make me happier than if Spike walked through

that door right now.

Hi, guys, I'm here, I'm ready, and I'm feeling dangerous.

You know, I looked in the mirror today, I was looking so great, it just gave up.

I'm sorry, nothing can make you happier than this, right?

You're late.

Yeah? Well, according to my watch, I'm early.

And 200 feet below sea level in Finland.

You were supposed to be here before half past five. My dad gave me this watch

for my 14th birthday.

And a name of a place where I could get it fixed. And what happened about you

not coming here at all? I was kind of touched, you know. He was ages in the

drawer looking for it like a man. Hi, Spike.

Hi, Tim.

What are you doing here? I got Sarah's yellow.

Yeah? Well, I hope they can cure that now.

I certainly intend to. You're crazy.

Well, it must be that outfit. It's driving me out of my mind. Do you like

Like it? I love it.

You know, I heard they can pick up those colors on radar now.

You're so crazy.

Hey, I got a story for you. A true story. Come here.

I got this uncle, right?

They call him Crazy Eddie.

Well, this kind of worries him. He said to me, Spike, I don't know why people

call me Crazy Eddie.

My name's Bob.

But anyway, Crazy Eddie decides he needs a new grass catcher for his mower.

Wacky guy, right?

So he goes to the mower shop and asks if he's got the right kind of grass

catcher for his mega mower.

The guy says, I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have one in this week. But if you

care to come back next week, we should have some in stock then, okay?

So next week, Crazy Eddie goes back to the store, buys the right kind of grass

catcher for his mega mower.

Okay, I said it was true. I didn't say it was interesting.

Don't you think you've got something to say to me?

Suddenly she stood before him. Their eyes met, especially hers. You really

to do something about that squint.

I don't have a squint. Oh, no. Must be me.

Here we go.

Yeah. So what happened to the guy who was too tough to come in tonight?

Don't tell me you got frightened of little old me.

You know, if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.

If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours.

Oh, were you being funny there? I mean, I've heard rumors about you doing this.

I've got a sense of humor, same as anyone.

Yeah, you told me once, but I thought you were joking.

Probably because I always laugh when I'm looking at you.

You laugh.

We'd have to use electrodes. Yeah, on you.

Look, can we just calm this down a minute, please? Tell her she's the one

needs relaxing. I'm perfectly relaxed.

You're so uptight, your feet don't reach the ground.

Major, look.

Look, we've got a whole evening to get through here. Spike, you're just trying

to wind Linda up and you know it.

And Linda, you don't usually let him get you like this. What's wrong?

I know.

Sarah told me.

Is this about yesterday again?

Somebody please tell me what happened yesterday.

Melinda's boyfriend made history.

Melinda.

After I left, Sarah caught up with me and told me.

Just when I was feeling good about my big exit.

But if I'd wanted your sympathy, you'd know. I'd have asked everyone else

Fine. Terrific.

I tried, but that's it.

Where are you going? What did you think?

Hey, Spike.

Look, Kenny, thanks for trying and everything, but I'm leaving, OK?

Before this gets any more stupid.

Hi, everyone.

Colin?

Surprised to see me?

Uh, yeah.

Colin, I hate to ask an obvious question.

I bet you're wondering how I got invited to Warner Edison's house tonight,

aren't you?

Well, actually... I can hardly believe it myself.

58 shops he's got and four pubs. This guy could buy Scotland as a tax loss.

I do a bit of business with him, get a bit of advertising from him, and he

invites me over to his house to discuss my future. I mean, wow, right?

And you're on your way there now, yeah?

Yeah, just thought I'd stop off for a pep talk.

He's a formal kind of a guy, you know, dead serious, no sense of humour. I

mind telling you I'm as nervous as anything.

I'm uptight, I've got the jitters. I hardly know what I'm doing.

Does it show?

Well... A bit, yeah.

Really? How?

Well, it's kind of hard to pin down exactly.

I know what it is.

It's my mother. Your mother? Crazy woman. I told her. I told her I was

Warner Edison tonight. I told her it was the single most important day of my

whole life. But it's my little sister's birthday party. And do you know what she

makes me do? Do you know what she makes me do just to entertain the little brat?

She made you dress up as a rabbit?

Exactly. I mean, no wonder I'm still... How did you know?

I had a few pointers.

No, really, that's amazing. Just one look at me and you guessed I was dressed

a rabbit.

Look, Colin, you're obviously kind of worked up on it.

I mean, you're all excited and you don't quite know which end is up.

Do you know what I'm saying?

The point is, I just think that on your way here from the party, there might

have been something you forgot to do.

My life is over.

Come on, Colin, what's the big deal?

What's the big deal? He says to me, Kenny, this is the single most important

of my whole life, and I'm a rabbit.

So go home and change.

Go home and change, he says to me. Go home and... I love that idea.

It's a great idea, Spike. I love it. It's neat. It's simple.

It'll work. It'll be at the cinema by now.

Lucky I've got my house keys in my jack pocket, eh?

So how long before he realizes he's not wearing his jacket?

Stop whining and run. What?

They may not have left yet. It's your only chance. Now go.

Yeah, you're right. I'll try and catch them. Don't move it. Go, go, go.

Poor guy.

It's a real shame for him.

It is.

It's terrible.

Oof.

What

history

did Linda's boyfriend make?

Linda's boyfriend made history of Linda.

Armstrong dumped her. Yeah. Could you get your facts straight?

I haven't been dumped.

James is doing maths at college. He just needs some time to himself for study.

He is so studying, he told me.

He's doing a thing on Venn diagrams.

Yeah? She sounds foreign.

That's so typical of you, Spike.

So pathetically typical.

Yeah, right.

Gee, Chinese.

What? I'm hungry. Time for dinner.

Well, usually we go down the fish and chip shop.

What are you doing?

Peking -style chicken and garlic.

Sound okay?

You can cook?

Yeah. Well, in my house, it's either me or my dad.

He only does beans.

Ever seen my dad?

Big stubble and dirty T -shirts.

He's the sort of guy whose only serious interest in life is breaking wind, you

know?

That's why I likes beans. It's a meal we can enjoy twice.

Tiddler, take these, set up a table for us, yeah? Yeah, sure. I just don't

believe this.

I don't.

Now, Tiddler, I'll give you a hand.

I want a word with you anyway.

What about?

Your English assignment. I checked in your notebook and found out what it was.

Uh -oh.

So, uh, doesn't your mother do any cooking?

She left when I was four.

And when I was five and when I was six.

She left kind of a lot, you know.

Mom and Dad always used to have these really huge rows.

But you'd end with Mom coming up to my room and saying she was leaving.

That was my first word, leaving.

That's who I thought they were, Dad and leaving.

I once counted. She left home 217 times, sometimes more on a Saturday.

Must have been pretty rough.

Yeah, especially Christmas.

They'd always have these really huge rows at Christmas.

I mean, when I was a kid, I thought Santa was a marriage counselor, you

Why do you joke about it?

That's just a way of hiding your feelings.

How are my feelings? Look who's talking.

What do you mean?

Venn diagrams.

Look, James did not dump me, OK?

Sure.

So you used to write a play with characters based on your friends?

Yeah, it's supposed to be about at least three interesting people I know.

But I could only think of Spike and Linda.

Linda.

Tiddler uses this so she can reach her typewriter.

Why don't you take it outside?

Kick hell out of it. Pretend it's your boyfriend.

Spike, I have no reason whatsoever to wish to kick hell out of that pillow

pretending it's my boyfriend, okay?

Even if it does look a bit like him.

Has about as much backbone.

I just don't have any feelings of aggression or hostility to work off,

understood?

How many pencils are you on a day?

Spike, I was not dumped!

Guys, you've got to help me.

Let me just give you a tip.

Never try to thumb a lift dressed as a giant pink rabbit. I almost caused a

major traffic disaster on the Sherrington Road.

Didn't you make it to Warner Edison's? Are you kidding?

I didn't even make it to my own house on time.

They were gone?

What did you do?

Panicked, screamed, had three nervous breakdowns.

I even tried to get in the toilet window.

I love a time for two policemen to walk past.

No. Yeah.

I think I must have looked suspicious.

What were you about then?

Nearly. I ran for it. I was all over town before I gave them a slip.

I think they got my description.

I've got to write some of this down.

Listen, can I have your clothes?

What? I've got to change into something.

I can't miss this meeting, Spike. It's a big career moment for me. OK. Great.

Hey, girls, would you mind? I'm going to have to strip off here.

We're not looking. I know. Would you mind?

Is it stuck?

It's totally, totally stuck.

Look, it can't be. Let me see.

You're right. It's totally, totally stuck.

That's it. I'm out. I'm finished. I'm dead.

Just tell my parents and put me in the wok.

Why is it such a disaster, Connie? Why, Kenny? There are certain things you

can't do stuck in a pink rabbit's costume.

Like meet Warner Edison, for one.

Certain other things I could mention, too.

My legs are crossed in four places.

Well, why not just go as you are? Oh, great plan, Kenny. Terrific. Fantastic.

Maybe he won't even notice.

Maybe you just think I'm overweight and furry.

Yeah, I suppose you're right, Colin.

I mean, even you haven't got the kind of silver tongue to talk your way out of

this one, right?

Are you serious?

Hey, guys, you weren't actually taken in by my little joke there, were you? You

didn't actually think I was upset there, did you?

I mean, don't just stand there gawking, guys.

If you only knew how stupid you all look.

I was not dumped.

This looks great, Spike.

My food always looks great.

Know what my secret is?

Paint.

Everyone use these, OK? Yeah, my dad taught me.

No sweat.

Remember?

Of course I can. Sure.

problem, okay?

This is great, Spike. No kidding, honestly.

It's really terrific.

Really nice.

So what do you think, Linda?

I'm just... Not bad.

Get on with your eating.

Linda.

Sorry.

Look, you just hold one chopstick across here, okay?

I'm managing.

Can't you admit defeat on anything?

Chopsticks or boyfriends?

Linda you're the only person I've ever met who eats dinner to win I

Was dumped wasn't I

Well, you know.

She thinks she does.

Maybe her eyes were just sweating.

Colin?

Hi, Colin. What's wrong?

How is Warner Edison?

Dead.

What? He had a heart attack last Wednesday, two hours after he phoned me

round.

It was his funeral this afternoon.

and they were having a sort of a gathering at his house.

Do you know what I really wish?

What? I wish I hadn't pushed past the guy that opened the door, rushed into

house and shouted, Hi, Warner, I'm a bunny, Gran.

Do you have any idea what it's like to have every single rich and powerful

person in town dressed in black and staring at you while you're wearing a

pink rabbit costume to a funeral?

Excuse me, I'm just going into the toilet to whimper for a while.

Colin, we've already got somebody whimpering in there.

Maybe you'd like to go under one of the desks.

Fine, thanks.

What are you doing, Spike?

I think you should just leave her alone.

Linda.

Hey, look.

I know you're upset.

I know you're probably crying.

But look, there's something I want to say.

You don't have to answer or anything.

It's kind of difficult.

I mean, my dad...

He thinks apologizing is what your wife does if you hit her enough.

Anyway.

Well, the point is, well, the reason that I came in tonight was, well, was to

show you that I'm not the cold joke that you thought I was.

You know, maybe what I found out was that you weren't the total, well,

well, that you were human.

I mean, there have been rumors.

Look, all I'm trying to say is, is that it's okay to be, you know, human.

I mean, you don't have to hide it.

I mean, we won't think you're a lousy editor because you're... Well, because

you're crying and stuff, right?

Okay?

Okay, everyone, let's get something done here.

Tiddler, clear away the dishes. Kenny, I want to look at how we're reporting the

school trip. I mean, it's hill walking, right? That's potentially controversial,

maybe even dangerous.

Let's get an angle.

Okay, boss. I'll get Freddy's notes.

Linda.

Are you really expecting any of us to believe you weren't crying in there?

Of course I wasn't crying.

Mikey was just this guy I went out with. Why don't you just take a minute and

relax? I'm fine.

You can't keep this up, Linda. Nobody can.

Watch me.

Right, Kenny, what have we got?

Do you know what I think we should do?

Julie,

you look worried.

Sarah, believe me, I'm worried.

What's happened?

If I tell you, promise you won't tell anyone else.

You've got to promise.

Of course I won't.

It was last night. I was on my way home. It was dark.

Sarah, I saw a giant pink rabbit running along the other side of the road.

A giant pink rabbit?

Yeah. But you know when I really got scared?

Tell me.

When it shouted, Hi, Julie.

Shouted your name?

Yeah. Was that all it said?

Hi, Julie.

No. It said, Can't stop, I'm late.

Yeah? For a very important date.

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