Original subtitles

Oh, no, he's turning back two pages.

This looks bad.

Oh, hang on, he's nodding again. That's two confirmed nods, everyone.

Would you look, please?

Tiddler, he's facing away from me. Yeah, but is he smiling?

Yeah, sure, all over the back of his head.

Taking the time this week.

Why is it taking so long? Why this time is it taking so long? I've got a date

tonight.

263.

You know the rules, Sarah. Nobody leaves until we get a verdict.

But I'm going to a party with Gary Morris in half an hour.

264. What? Yeah, listen, did you know we're doing a big picture spread of

Anderson opening a new shop?

Yeah, right, great publicity.

Yeah, if only we could remember to get the name of the shop in the photographs.

Yeah, maybe we should do that.

She's pulled on her right earlobe.

Yeah, that's a confirmed pull on her right earlobe. That's the signal. He

it. Yeah, all right.

That's it, I'm off. It's Linda Arthur. I'm at a party with Gary Morris.

Oh, 265.

Are you guys counting every time I say I've got a date?

260 pic.

I don't like this drink.

What's happening?

They're going off somewhere together.

She's going right three windows along, wherever that is.

And they're going into a room with two guys. I don't recognise either of them.

Hang on, aren't they printers?

That looks kind of bad.

It's a great idea. I'm sure a half -page advert opposite the picture spread

would remind us to get the name in the photographs.

I don't look too happy.

She's pulling on the left earlobe.

Everybody, she's on the left earlobe. This is not good news.

This is definitely not good news.

The bad news is no news.

As of midnight tonight, the printers are going on strike.

Now, you all know the situation.

You all know that there's a lot of people out there just waiting for us to

flat on our faces.

That's why we can't afford to miss an issue, and that's why we're not going

Linda, if there's a strike... I've done a deal with the printers.

Since we're not officially part of the Gazette... They'll do a print run for

Not as many copies as normal, but enough to show we're alive and kicking.

You mean the printers are coming in next week just to print our paper? No, I

don't mean that at all.

They've made one condition.

Next week's paper has to be ready for printing by 10 .30 tonight.

Starting from now, we've got exactly three hours to write next week's news.

to lead on something.

We've got to lead on next week's news, Linda. But we can't because it hasn't

happened yet. Which is why this idea is just totally insane.

Well, don't we keep a file of reserved stories, general interest stuff?

Yeah, the rainy day file. What's in it?

Wet stories.

Do you really want to hear about the mad old lady who threw 32 cats?

That's not so mad.

Oh, yeah? She says she's saving them up for a coat.

I see.

She's got names for them, too.

Sleeve, pocket, collar.

be able to use that somewhere.

How about Pet School?

Miss Jackson.

Hi, it's Spike Thompson.

Yeah.

Listen, I was wondering if you could tell me which party Sarah went to with

Morris tonight.

She told you she was going to her aunt's.

No, I didn't know you forbidden her to go to any more parties.

Or to see Gary Morris.

No, perhaps you better not tell her that phone.

Thanks.

Scrape it?

Like, how am I supposed to do the horoscopes a week in advance, huh?

Well, why not?

You can never really predict anything anyway. Just make it up.

Yeah, right. So how do I predict what I'll make up in a week's time?

It could be worse for us. Listen, Linda's got to find some total mud to

to school football a week before it happens.

Like, I'm getting pretty freaking tired of hearing you call me a total mug.

Some school stuff.

Deputy Head's wife had triplets.

It'll be a three -part series.

The man's a born administrator.

He even has hoods in trip.

Linda, do you know what these figures are doing? They're screaming in pain.

the reason they're screaming in pain, Linda, is because we can't afford to do

this issue.

What do you mean, can't afford?

Matt Kerr charges us rent for this place. He charges us for printing, for

materials. He even charges us for breathing on Gazette property.

Now we've got the phone bill to pay.

The only money we make is from the advertising we sell.

What about the half -page ad from the DIY store? You said that would cover it.

They're only going to pay for the ad if we run a photograph of Tommy Anderson at

the opening ceremony.

And that's not till tomorrow morning. Yeah, and we're printing tonight.

So what do we do?

Do, Linda, this is an impossible situation.

The opening ceremony's not till tomorrow morning.

Tommy Anderson won't be there till then.

And they haven't even got the sign up outside the shop yet.

And there's absolutely no way you can fix it?

Well, of course I can fix it.

Just wanted you to know it's difficult, that's all.

Hi, Nicola.

It's Spike.

Listen, I know you're kind of best pals with Sarah Jackson and everything.

I was wondering, you couldn't tell me which party she went to with Gary Marris

tonight, could you?

No. I didn't know Gary Marris was your boyfriend.

Sewage.

Kenny, it's not that bad.

No, no, it's this.

It's about Sullivan, the assistant head.

His garden keeps filling with sewage.

There's a broken pipe in the garden, and every time he tries to get it fixed, it

just breaks down.

No -one can work out why.

Yeah, I've read a bit about that.

He's written some really funny letters, really cutting, you know.

What do you think?

We'll do it, and we'll do it big. We'll have sewage all over the front page.

Hardly headline material.

It's got human interest, it's got a popular teacher, it's got all that stuff

his garden.

Kenny, it's perfect.

Go out to Sullivan's house and do an interview, fast as you can, erasing the

clock. Why me?

Kenny, Sullivan likes you.

Linda, he hates me.

Okay, then. Sullivan knows you. Just get moving, Kenny.

I can really see me doing this.

Mr. Sullivan, people keep telling me you're full of sewage.

Okay, Barry.

Yeah, thanks. I'll see you tomorrow.

Found her? Yep, she's at Lucy Arthur's. Blonde and a fourth year. Good.

You really think she's going to come back here tonight?

No, but if we get her note to her, she might just do it on the spot.

Yeah? So who crashes the party and drags her off her boyfriend first?

Well, I did ask.

Colin, do you really think this is going to work?

Danny, all I'm going to do is get the man to stand outside a shop while you

photograph it. Yeah, but Tommy Anderson was famous.

The kid still lives lowly. He's not that big.

Colin. Tommy Anderson just happens to be the world's... Hi there.

Tommy. Colin Matthews.

Yeah, the one who told you that... Well, I've never had any other complaints.

Well, apart from him, obviously.

Well, that pair are never happy, are they?

Oh, come on, we both know what they're like.

Well, listen, what I wanted to say is I just think it's great to see you

supporting a new business in this town.

What a boost to get your shop open by the world's best... What do I want from

you?

Well... It seems we can't get our camera down to the opening ceremony tomorrow

morning, and I just wondered if you wouldn't mind posing outside for us

just so we could have a shot of the world's best... Thank you.

Great.

Thank you, thank you.

I'll do that, great.

You told me to get lost.

Mr Sullivan, it's about your sewage.

Mr. Sullivan, it's about your own sewage.

Mr. Sullivan, it's about your sewage.

Mr. Sewage.

I don't want to sound unwelcoming, Kenny, but may I ask how you happen to

my address?

I knew it was a house around here with a garden full of sewage, so I just

followed my nose.

Quite. Haven't caught you going out, have I? Nope.

Not going out? You haven't caught me.

We're wanting to do an interview with you for the paper. Let me see.

That'll be about my piped -in fertiliser.

Well, kind of, yeah.

I'm free tomorrow night. I'll come to your newsroom. It'll be better for you.

No, you can't. We need it now. It's an emergency.

Sorry, Kenny, impossible.

Why? Because of the table I've booked at a fabulously expensive restaurant and

the excitingly beautiful lady who will be joining me at it.

What does Mrs Sullivan have to say about that?

Mrs Sullivan says, and I quote...

Son, isn't it about time you settled down? Good night, Kenny.

But why not?

Because it won't work.

Well, how else do you report a football match in advance?

It's the most stupid idea I've ever heard in my life.

But you're thinking about it.

All right. But if it doesn't work, I'm telling everyone it was your idea.

OK. Because it will work and I'll be the hero.

Heroine. Oh, I see. So if it does work, you get all the credit, right? Yeah.

It was phoning that was the mistake.

It's when people see me, they melt. Yeah, they start to run.

I mean, we're going to go and see Tommy Anderson in person.

You're joking.

I need to know story lengths, what photos you're using, how you're laying

the centre spread.

Julie, we are not running this paper for the benefit of the graphics team. This

time you are.

If we're going to be ready for printing by half past ten, I need to do the

layout now, before the stories are written.

Yeah, well, you already know what stories we're doing anyway.

What do I?

You keep telling me Sarah's got a feature on page four and you haven't

found her yet.

You're right, taxes are expensive.

Yeah, this way. Come on.

Thanks for paying me on, by the way.

That's OK. I mean, after all, I got the only seat.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't have wanted to crease my dress anyway.

What do you think of it, by the way?

Listen, you can pay me back that fare any time.

Oh.

Right, um, tomorrow?

Yeah. I can even wait until tomorrow. Sarah, yo, Sarah, wait up!

Spike!

Who's this, then? Spike, what is it? There's a printer strike.

We've got to have next week's paper ready for printing by 10 .30 tonight.

What?

She happens to be going out with me tonight. Please, one disaster at a time.

Spike, is Linda expecting me back at the newsroom? Because you can tell her I'm

not coming.

Look, these are your notes on the pollution story.

At least try to get something done at the party. Please, look, it is an

emergency. Are you joking?

No. Look, take a hint and push off. Didn't I see you on a film once, Cretans

from Mars?

Look, I'm sorry, Spike, but no way.

But Linda says... We don't have to do everything Linda says, Spike. We're not

all nuts about her. What?

Are you trying to say that I'm from Mars?

Never mind, Gary. Let's just go.

At least take your notes.

Okay, if it will make you feel any better, but I am not doing anything with

them. And I was born in Basingstoke.

Sorry, pal.

Wrong planet.

And I'm not nuts about her.

Are you sure?

A table for two booked in the name of Sullivan?

Well, thank you anyway.

There's only two more he could be going to.

What happens when he finds out that you've been phoning restaurants with his

wife? Trial separation.

Inside information. I've got a list of both teams playing.

The ones with stars are left footers, and Billy Daniels playing with a bruised

knee. That might be important.

What about tactics?

Well, when Linda gets off the phone, I'll tell you.

Hitler, this isn't going to work.

Brad, trust me. That's right.

A table for two in the name of Sullivan.

You do?

Thank you very much.

Could you possibly make that a table for three?

Tommy, you're looking great.

Colin, you're looking at me.

Don't.

Melt, huh?

You need it here.

You can handle it. The only real problem is the Sullivan story, and I can handle

that better than you can.

It's not the only problem. I gave Sarah her notes, but she's still not going to

do the story.

She's at Lucy Arthur's. I've got the number. It's on my desk.

But what do I do?

Phone smiling.

What are my chances of persuading her?

Who comes on about the budgie in the microwave?

Too often.

So, what have we got?

Back four, four in the field and two up front. Right.

What about subs?

All right, fine.

Now, look, you two... Tommy, Mr Anderson, I'm going to have to tell you

reason I'm here.

Only you mustn't tell anyone I told you or the whole thing's off.

What are you talking about? Just get moving, will you? What I'm talking about

here is this is your life.

I was supposed to be luring you down to the shop. Just remember, try and act as

though it's still a surprise.

If we leave now, I don't think they'll suspect anything.

Colin, I did this with your life two weeks ago.

This is the update.

Let's face it, you've had a packed two weeks.

Nice try, Colin.

But I've got a lot of sleep to catch up on and a 6 .30 alarm call tomorrow

morning, so just forget it.

At least you said it was a nice try.

No way, Kenny!

Look, come on, Sarah, we're depending on you.

No, I'm on a date, I'm at a party.

I'm not going to sit down and do 1 ,500 words on pollution.

So for the sake of one little night out, we're heading for a whole blank page,

is that it? Kenny, let me talk to her.

Sarah? Julie, don't you start.

If you're in Lucy's hallway, you must be on the phone next to the coat rack,

right? Yeah.

Gary's jacket there.

I should see it, Julie. It's so small. You've got such a good taste.

Left inside pocket.

The little notebook.

Oh, yes. It's a sort of cute little diary thing.

Check inside.

Julie, should I go through somebody's private notebook?

Found the list yet?

Yeah.

The list of names.

Girls' names. Scores out of ten.

How dare he?

How dare he?

Rating us like cattle, pinning numbers on us, as if we care where we come on

this stupid little scale.

I only got four.

See the names he cropped off?

They're the ones who got us to the party fair.

Sarah?

Sarah?

You know Gary Morris?

I was a nine.

What about Sarah?

Four. No, Sarah's story.

If I know my Sarah, she'll be doing it in half an hour.

Fred, some stuff's arrived.

I'm beginning to have a very bad feeling about this.

I think I might look very stupid.

Fred, have some faith in me.

Linda.

Tell me your unhallucination.

I tricked out your lady friend. Hot stuff.

I bet you only date her when you're in the best of health. How did you get in

here? I really like her dynasty look. Are there silicon implants in her

shoulders? And why haven't the waiters thrown you out?

Wait till you see the write -up I've promised them.

You know, I never really thought of you as coming to places like this.

Actually, Linda, I can do a meal in a quality restaurant like no one you know.

I can order in French without peeking at the menu. And you can tell me all about

the sewage while you're at it.

Of course.

That's why you're here.

You wouldn't have anything to do with the extra chair at my table, would you?

Let's just say, if I don't get to sit in it, I'm going to come staggering up to

you and your date, dabbing my eyes with a hanky and begging you to come back

home to Mother and my four little sisters.

You know what that is, Linda?

Blackmail? Mm -mm.

How to fail your next class test.

Come on.

Sarah? Sarah, are you in there?

Sarah? Found your list.

What? Look, just forget it, OK? I don't want to hear apologies, and I don't want

to hear how your list's just a little joke for you and the guys. I am not, as

now, at this party with you, and I am not, repeat, not ever going out with you

again for the rest of my life.

So just forget whatever little speech you have planned to get me to unlock the

door and dance with you again, because, quite honestly, in here, the company is

better.

I only wanted to use the toilet.

OK, everyone, we've got half an hour before the graphics team need all the

stories.

Frazz, have you done the sports column?

Oh, come on, the match isn't even over yet. Well, OK, but as soon as you can.

Match.

What a goal!

Sidna, Billy Daniels could never do that. He's got a bruised knee, remember?

Now, I've just about had a... Oh.

Sorry? I wonder if you could help me.

It's my plastic hip.

What? Oh, my goodness.

Aren't you that world famous?

Oh, what do they call those people?

Yes, I am. How can I help you? You see, I'm supposed to meet some friends down

in the town. But what with my artificial bits?

And then I saw your nice car.

Oh, I see.

And where exactly was it that you'd be wanting a lift to?

Oh, somewhere round about where they're opening that new shop, that would do.

Grandmother? Great -aunt?

Oh. Whatever your relationship to Colin, Mrs Matthews, just tell him to forget

it. You rumble me.

That's right, sweetheart.

What did you let on for?

He guessed.

He called me Mrs Matthews. Aunt, you're on my mother's side.

Your name's not Matthews. Oh, dear.

Keep forgetting that.

Colin. Hi, Danny.

How's it going at the shop?

Oh, do you want the good news or the bad news? Give me the good.

You've got your health.

What?

Look, they haven't finished doing up the shop yet. They haven't even got the

sign up. How much longer?

I was talking to one of the workmen. Into the night, they reckon.

Great.

So we haven't got a shop to photograph anyone outside of, and we haven't got

anyone to photograph outside of the shop?

Yeah.

Well, it's a start.

And so, after a while, my neighbours started complaining about the smell and

blamed me.

He did exchanges over the garden fence.

I told them if they wanted to get into mudslinging, I had more ammunition.

I'll use that quote.

So, I was up to my knees in this foul stuff.

And it was getting everywhere.

Into the house, into my clothes, into my car.

The smell would make you vomit on the spot.

Something wrong with your food, darling?

No, it's fine, thank you.

Good.

It's great, it's terrific.

I can't hear you, there's a football match going on here.

What, did you write it on?

You heard.

Sarah?

Sarah, is that you?

Sarah, I'm in big trouble. You've got to help me.

What have I?

Sarah, there's no paper in here.

I need paper.

Sarah, you've got to do something for me.

I'll do anything.

Just a moment, Gary.

I've got something.

Oh, great.

Here it comes.

Oh, no, Sarah.

Oh, Sarah, come on.

Sarah!

OK, all stories have to be in now for final paste -up.

It was her idea.

Basically, it was quite simple. We set up an experimental model of the

conditions and arranged for the outcome of our predictive match to be entirely

determined by the intended strategies of the opposing team and the range of

playing abilities made available to each.

Yeah, and we used Tiddlywink.

Told you she'd buy it. She's not letting us put the score in just to match with

you. Yeah, both 27 -0 up a bit now. I thought they called you tiddler because

you were small.

Mission accomplished?

Mission impossible.

What?

Tell her.

Linda, we've got trouble.

Trouble? Yeah.

We can't get Tommy Anderson and we can't get the shop.

That's trouble.

Yeah, and Colin's got a plan.

Oh, no.

Hello, this is Mr Henderson.

I own the shop you're doing up at the moment.

Brian. Oh, it's Brian. I didn't recognise your voice, Bert.

Oh, yes, it is a terrible line.

Listen, I'm sending some boys over and there's something I want you to do for

them.

Thanks a lot, Tommy. Great.

OK. All right, guys, take it down now.

Well, we did it.

Thanks to my brilliant last -minute inspiration.

Just as long as you got that sign back.

I did.

Most of it.

Tommy Anderson.

What about him?

Wasn't either Tommy Anderson who... How's it going? Can't tell.

Looks like the end of the meeting. The two guys are leaving.

Let's just hope the strike is over. Then we won't have missed an audition.

Two guys have gone and Kerr's still smiling.

I wonder what Kerr would do if he knew we were buying on his offer.

Tiddler, don't be stupid.

He couldn't possibly know.

Uh, Spike, don't want to be too sure about that.

Gary? Sarah?

I hope you didn't mind my little joke too much.

Yeah, well, I've got no hard feelings either.

Listen, why don't we meet up tonight?

Seven o 'clock at Zars, Cass?

Great. Been missing you, Gary.

Judith? Sarah Jackson.

Want to meet up tonight?

Seven o 'clock at Zars.

Great. Oh, by the way, do you still go out with Gary Morris?

Oh, I read it somewhere.

See you tonight.

Mary? Hi, Sarah.

How are you and Gary getting along?

Yeah, why don't we get together tonight?

Seven o 'clock, it's ours.

By the way, do you still do karate?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0