Original subtitles

Mr. Sullivan, you said you'd have that article for the paper today. Have you

it? Good morning, Linda.

Good morning, sir. Have you got it?

Would tomorrow do?

Oh, sir, I've given you two extra days already. I mean, come on.

And speaking of things not done, your English essay was due in yesterday.

Hey, sir, you put me in charge of the Junior Gazette. I'm not just a pupil

I'm an editor. And I am kind of busy.

And I'm not just teaching you English and writing you articles.

I am assistant head of this school, and I also am kind of busy.

Then how can you spend eight minutes in the toilet?

Actually, Linda, I was not aware that I was being timed.

I just happened to notice.

That's two minutes over your average.

There are times, Linda, when I think you ought to be fitted with an off switch.

Trouble, Mr Knowles?

No, no.

Not at all.

No. This long.

Behaving, are they? Oh, yes. They're fine.

They're just fine.

Good, good.

Well, just keep a tight grip on them. That's what they understand.

Yes, I know.

Right.

I'll just leave you to it.

Now listen.

And everyone, please remember, we're not supposed to have this phone.

Matt Kerr doesn't know he's paying for it, so can we please keep it hidden at

all times, OK?

OK.

I don't see the point.

Linda, it'd be great. We could fit it on page four and do it weekly.

Oh, come on, why not?

You want reason?

You know, this could give the paper a bit of class.

An acne advice column with all the best creams and stuff.

I was going to call it the face space.

How about the zit bit?

Shut it, Kenny.

Or blackheads revisited? Kenny! Or pus pus. Oh, spot on.

So the first thing I tell anyone who joins the paper is that they need one

thing. Gut and brain.

Two things.

What? You said two things.

Yes, I know. I know I said two things. It's my little test. Well done.

So you're going to need two things, OK?

Guts, brains and a good sense for figures.

What, three things?

Sorry? So which of the three things is the one thing you need?

Both. Any one thing, Colin?

Now, why don't we just forget all about the plane part?

Yeah, I suppose.

Summing up?

No, of course not.

Here, look, this is guaranteed to cheer anyone up this side of Norwich High.

You know Mr Knowles, the new English teacher?

Now, come on.

Now, come on, children.

I mean, you really must shut up. Don't say another word. And if you do, I'm not

going to tell you a thing about the semicolon.

As a matter of fact, I don't find that funny, Kenny. I don't find that funny at

all.

Oh, come on, Sarah. I was only trying to cheer you up. All right, all right. Any

advance on seven things you need in you?

Hey, Colin.

What's in those?

I had a nap spike. Just for a moment. Just for a tiny second.

Yeah, what are you talking about?

It was a bargain. I mean, a real bargain.

They were just, like, sitting there, cut dry.

Like they were beckoning to me.

Yeah, what was beckoning you?

Colin!

She finds out I'm dead.

Do you think it's true? You really can't take it with you?

No.

Where is it? Where's what?

You were collecting the money for Farndale's advert. I haven't forgotten.

Oh, yeah.

What's all this?

It's a bargain, Linda. Honestly, I was up at the sports shop where they make

sports stuff and I couldn't stop myself.

You've spent the money, haven't you?

You've gone and spent that money, haven't you?

More or less.

Hand me the knife.

Sure. Don't you think you ought to consider that unarmed?

Ping -pong ball.

Half ping -pong ball.

How many of them?

Well, they make them in two halves, you see, and they always have a few

defective ones left over. How many?

100 ,000.

Are you telling me, Colin, that you have spent Gazette money on 100 ,000

defective half ping -pong balls? It was a bargain. Look, we're getting in on the

ground floor here. It's an investment. It's a whole new concept.

In... Balls.

Colin, the ping -pong balls are yours, and the Farnsdale money is the Gazette,

and I expect it back. Clear?

Well, that's essentially a lot.

You'll be able to cover it, no problem. Not quite as simple as that, Spike.

I've got a temporary cash flow situation.

Yeah.

Just a minute.

Just a minute.

Spike, have you ever had a sort of a ringing in your ears like a giant till?

No.

It wasn't a lap, Spike. It was a moment of pure genius and inspiration.

What are you talking about? I can sell them. I can sell the little suckers.

They'll be the biggest craze in...

My last one. Why are you going to sell half ping -pong balls then?

What else is a ping?

OK, news team, story conference.

Come on, before we miss this week's news completely.

What are you doing?

It's all right.

What? It's all right.

Hey.

Oh, is it?

just stormed out.

What did you say to her?

Well, hardly anything. I just did my impression of Mr Knowles.

Of who?

Mr Knowles, the new English teacher.

You know.

Now, really, class.

Now, come on.

Look, how do you expect me to be able to teach you if you won't settle down and

work? Now, please, please, please. Look, you're just going to have to be quiet.

All right? All right, that's it. If you won't do the working class, you can just

do it for homework, right?

So homework for tomorrow is... Homework for tomorrow

is page 73.

Mr

Knowles?

Don't think I quite caught the homework.

Sorry, you can call me Simon now. They've all gone.

Forget about the homework, too.

We'll pick it up next time.

Right.

Quite a bunch of your friends, aren't they?

Very lively.

Yeah, they are.

I suppose they're always like this with the new teacher, eh?

Yeah, always.

Well, just as long as they don't push me too far, I don't want to get, you know,

really tough with them.

Listen, I've got to go.

Have a word with you, Mr North.

Yeah, I'm going.

Well, how's it going, Simon? Oh, it's fine. It's fine, I think.

Simon, could I give you a word of advice?

The thing is, Simon, if the class see that you believe you can control them,

they'll believe it too.

But if they see just a moment of uncertainty... Do you ping?

I'm in! Pinging is in, Sarah. Don't try to fight it. For instance, a personal

stereo for the silence lover. The world's first.

Phony walk -not. Not now, Colin.

Sarah, I'm trying to let you in on the ground floor here. Not now!

Haven't you two got clouds with you to go there?

Ah, Mr Sullivan.

Do you ever have a problem finding the ideal little gift for your favourite

artist? Not now, Colin. Because I'm willing to show you on an entirely trial

basis the most innovative, exciting...

Teacher features?

Don't we get enough of them during the day? If we knew more about them, what

they're like out of school, just be your basic interviewer sort of profile.

What's Miss Martin, maths teacher, really like?

Or Mr Knowles, English teacher.

That's what this is about, isn't it?

What do you mean?

He's your cousin, isn't he?

Kenny told me how upset you were when he was making fun of him.

So we checked it out.

I didn't want anyone to know that.

I hear he's not going down too well with his classes.

Yeah, well, if people just took the trouble to get to know him a bit

And you're going to take the trouble for them, is that it? Well, do I get to do

it?

OK, Sarah, it's a bye.

Thank you, Linda. I promise you, you won't be disappointed.

Yes, but we'll miss the Knowles.

Kenny, where's the phone at the moment?

Poplan.

Linda, what are you doing?

Never seen anyone talk to a plant before.

Oh, yeah. Look, could you tell your sister to stop using my typewriter,

Sister?

Frazz, I haven't got a sister.

Oh, well, maybe you can tell her that, eh?

You must have been born while I was out.

Well, I'm always telling Mum you don't pay any attention to me.

Who are you?

Tony Tildley, but my friends call me Tiddler because I'm small and popular.

Then why aren't you away playing with them? Because your newspaper said it's

children. There's nothing in it for anyone under 12.

So I thought maybe you need the junior section.

And I thought seeing as I'm top in English in the lower school, I'd be the

person to write it.

And I was thinking it would be the right kind of experience.

Because when you're too old to be in this kind of paper, I'll be about the

age to be the new editor, won't I?

You did ask.

Linda.

I'll be back with you in one moment.

I finished your ping -pong poster.

I did get the name right, didn't I?

I can't think of a time when I didn't want to be a teacher.

Ever since I can remember, that's been it. That's been the Holy Grail, if you

like. And I'll be honest, I've got a good enough degree to get a better paid

job. It's not that people haven't pointed that out to me, but I can't

anything as, well, as fulfilling of contact with young people.

Chance to help shape young minds.

You see, when you're teaching, you're not just doing a job. I mean, a

isn't just a place where you work. It's a place where you... where you're

nurturing the future on the best of the past.

Tell me, what's the private Mr Knowles like?

Sorry? Well, have you got any hobbies or anything?

Well, yes, but I don't think you'd be interested.

No, I would, really.

Well, it's a bit unusual.

The more unusual, the better.

As a matter of fact, I collect butterflies.

You're going to make this guy popular because he's poisoned, isn't he? Look,

a writer. I'll make it sound better.

Good luck to you.

Sir. All right, are there ten things that you need in the newspaper business,

right?

Or did we get to eleven?

Not bad.

Not bad?

Not bad.

Not bad.

Well, what did he say? He said it was not bad.

Hey, that's good.

It is.

Well, it's not bad.

Come in.

What do you think?

Linda, will you stop doing that?

I'm asking, what do you think?

Of what?

Of the paper, the new edition.

Oh, that.

Well?

Butterfly. Not bad. Not bad? I'm not just selling half -ping -pong balls

I'm selling two -thirds of the world's surface in off -white plastic.

Lepidoptera is the correct name for it. It's the study of winged insects.

Now, when Graham and Roy saw the article in the Juni Gazette, they very nicely

asked me if I'd bring along some of my specimens.

Um, so I've brought a selection here.

Now, you may want to pass these back, but, um, do please be careful with them,

because some of them are rather valuable.

Wow, look at the wings on that.

Yeah, just be careful with them.

Does it make you want to rush out and stick a pin in something?

No, no, come on, boys.

Hey, sir, can you clip bodges like this? Just be careful, please. Some of them

are rather valuable.

Yeah, yes, sir, but they are.

Here, cut.

Not only was part of his collection destroyed, but he has also acquired the

unenviable, though not overly imaginative name, of Butterfly.

Rather the last straw for him. I don't know what it is you want us to do about

it. But you do know what it is I wish you hadn't done.

As a guide to the future?

We'll stop the teacher features, of course.

But as for Mr Knowles... Mr Knowles is a very dedicated and idealistic young

man. If he can just conquer his problem with classroom discipline, I believe he

has the makings of a very fine teacher.

Somehow I don't think that's going to happen now.

You have managed to make an already unhappy situation worse.

However, I'm keeping you from your lunch.

But there's nothing we can do.

So you keep saying.

We were trying to help.

Congratulations.

I don't think I can face lunch now.

You'll get over it. Oh, Will Simon.

Do you think he'll be up there now?

Why?

I'm going to go and speak to him.

What for?

To say sorry I helped? I don't know.

Linda, I've been looking everywhere for you.

What did you think of my junior page?

Got in, didn't it?

Yeah, but what did you think of it?

Not bad.

Why apologise, Sarah? You were only trying to help.

Yeah, but your butterfly collection... Oh, it's been years since I was doing

that seriously.

I just thought the kids might find it interesting.

Which, in a fashion, they did.

Actually, I think I owe you a favour.

Up until now, I've just been kidding myself.

Sort of pretending I was somehow managing.

But I think now I can see the truth.

I'm not going to make it as a teacher.

But that's what you've always wanted. That's what you've always wanted to be.

And as the wise man said, what you want and what you get.

Can't you give up?

I'm trying to understand, Sarah.

I've been making a complete fool of myself.

Daydreaming about education.

What I could do in it.

Well, then, do you know something, Mr Knowles? Sorry?

No, Mr Knowles. I think I preferred you when you were a fool.

Rosemary. Could you get me the Gazette on the phone, please?

Certainly, Mr Sullivan.

Is it a private call or a school business?

Oh, school business.

Very definitely a school business.

He phoned you.

And I'm very glad he did.

After the supermarket fiasco, you can't afford another mess like this.

Look, it wasn't my idea.

Your editor.

The only ideas you don't get credit for are the good ones.

Yeah, I know.

Well, here's something you don't know.

Thanks partly to you, your headmaster now has grave doubts about Simon

future in Norbridge High. So he's paying his class a surprise visit this

Thursday to check on him.

And somehow I don't think Mr Knowles is in a fit state to make a good

impression, do you?

But what can I do about it?

Something. Something?

Something.

Something.

Linda. Sarah.

We've got to do something.

Stage one.

We need to find out which class the headmaster's likely to drop in on. So

Danny's going to get us a copy of the school's master timetable.

How?

Simple.

I don't think why your newspaper wants a photograph of me.

Well, you're a bit of a school personality, Miss Chisholm.

How about one of you over against the window there?

You mean about here?

Yeah, that's right.

How is this?

Lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you, Danny.

No problem.

The headmaster's got meetings all morning, and Niles has only got one

the afternoon.

So it's got to be three feet.

of you to give up your lunch time to help him with the photocopying? Believe

Miss Jess, if I'm getting as much out of it as you are.

Stage three. I don't want to know how you do it, but you get everyone on this

list to behave.

You leave it to the experts.

Brett.

Tony Robbins, 3C. Raymond Smith, 3C.

Mary Kathleen, 3C. When you get Mr. Knowles for English tomorrow, on

you're going to behave.

Like an angel.

But you're going to make it look like you're being a naughty little boy. A bad

little girl.

But when Noel tells you to do something, do it. Or else.

Or watch it. Or you'll be going home in bucket.

I don't want to do it like this.

The headmaster's going to appear about halfway through. This way he's going to

like what he sees.

I wish you'd hurry up. Danwick will be wondering where we've got to.

Relax, will you?

I just hope the whole thing works. Relax, it'll work.

Yeah, this once.

This once is all we need.

Hey, you two.

What are you doing here?

You're meant to be in knowledge class.

We didn't like to tell you yesterday. Tell me what?

3C don't get knowledge.

We swapped over with 3B.

3B? The timetable must have been out of date, despite you've leaned on the wrong

class.

Just a minute. What do you hear?

Nothing. Yeah, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Yes, Sarah?

Mr. Knowles, can I see you outside for a moment?

If you just carry on working as you are.

It's all right, they know.

How's it going?

It's almost like being a real teacher.

You mean it's working?

When I tell them to do something, they do it.

Of course, this time I know before I say anything that they're bound to listen.

You mean they're doing everything you tell them to?

Of course.

And you know they're going to do it before you even tell them?

Well, naturally. That's the way you arranged it, isn't it?

Mr Knowles, I think there's something you should know.

And that homework will be due in by tomorrow morning.

Now, um...

This is nearly the bell. I think you may as well pack up.

Right, well, I hope you all found that a useful lesson.

I know I did.

I mean, can you believe it? Just because he thought he could control the class,

suddenly he could.

Yeah, but will it stay that way?

Well, he's done it once.

Dunno.

He's got a chance. He's got a much better chance.

Anyway, I'm going home. See you.

All right. See you tomorrow.

Hello, Junior Gazette.

Hello, Linda.

Oh.

Hello, Mr Kerr.

Mr Sullivan? Linda.

Just wanted to say, sir, thanks for the article. Oh, not at all. Did you like

it? Can we talk about the first paragraph, sir?

What's wrong with the first paragraph?

Well, it's a bit flabby, isn't it, sir?

It is not flabby.

You don't have to be defensive, sir. I'm not being defensive. I am never

defensive.

Look, I just don't think we can afford to be that flabby in the first

What with the second paragraph?

What's wrong with the second paragraph?

Well, it's a bit flabby, isn't it, sir? That's not flab, Linda. That's style.

Is there any part of the article you did like?

Oh, I liked it.

So it's just a bit too much style.