Original subtitles

Thank you.

Kenny, I want your opinion on something. Yes.

What do you mean, yes?

That's usually the opinion you want.

You think that?

You'll be in it thick.

I didn't make you assistant editor so you could agree with me all the time.

Yeah, you're right.

And what did you think of my make -up article?

Oh, yeah.

It needs work.

Hey, if the two of you were about to take some American Express... I'm

of habits I'm wanting to kick.

It's not a habit already.

You're something I'm wanting to kick.

Thoughts of an opinion. What do you want me to use it on?

Graham's hill -walking features. Into the board.

Listen, I've been thinking. Really?

Tell the news team.

Linda, do we have to use the water -based Tippex? It takes so long to dry.

It's better for you. You'll live longer.

Yeah, well, I'll need to.

Linda, what was wrong with my pictures for the centre spread?

Danny, I liked them, just not very much.

Linda, I was wondering if... Where's my ruler?

Has somebody taken my ruler? Oh, no, not your ruler.

Check for fingerprints. Arrest everyone with fingers.

Spike, there's something I want you to do. I know. You told me yesterday.

We had to get a big swear by. I mean work.

Work? Why don't you pick a language like that?

The disco story. We need more info.

Disco info.

Didn't they have a hit recently?

It's Hillwalk in future. You wanted me to do a rewrite on it?

Yeah. If you could have it done by seven tonight, it'd make my evening.

I'll try.

What do you want me to do with it?

Make my evening.

I could do that.

Spike, give up. You're not my type. What is your type?

Evolved. I could do that.

OK. All we've got is a rumour that the disco might be sold off for a

and some photos of a couple of guys sizing the place up.

And talking to the owner.

Right, enough for a bit of front -page gossip.

Plenty of papers have done worse.

But more would be nice.

So? So go find more.

But why me?

I mean, what do I know?

We're all new at this spot, and I could save you from the newsroom right now.

Okay, but on one condition.

What? There's a band coming to Sherrington next Wednesday.

I could get some tickets.

One.

I have no wish to go all the way to Sherrington with you to see a bunch of

deadheads drowning out their music with the noise it makes.

And to?

I'm already going.

Oh, now you don't have to go alone.

Who said I was going alone?

What, you mean you're going with a girlfriend or something?

Your brother?

Sister?

Mom?

Dad?

Dog? James Armstrong.

James Armstrong?

Yeah, he's a maths student at the college.

Tall, blonde and edible.

Satisfied? I know I would be.

Who's James Armstrong?

Forget it, can't you? I need you on the disco story.

Why don't you send Fraz? I bet you could spare him.

Look, I like Fraz. He's sweet in his way. But not exactly God's gift to the

human intellect.

Spike, I need you working. What's the sulk for?

He's spoken.

If you're not sulking, then what's the problem?

No problem.

If there's not a problem, then why don't you get out there and work? Okay, I'm

going. So go. I'm gone. Goodbye.

You must find Theo rotten.

Who? Linda?

Drink her bath water.

What are you doing? See where it says ruler?

That's who it belongs to.

Could somebody get that phone?

Somebody's phoning us and we don't even have a phone. Talk about a wrong number.

Linda.

I'm going to answer it then.

Hello?

Anastasia, will you get out here and serve?

I thought she was dead.

Maybe it was me.

If you're really the White Bull Czar of all Russia, how come you're in this

cafe?

I'm in between reigns.

Do you want a pie?

Do you still give discount to anyone who can finish them?

I've still never had to.

I'll just have a Coke.

Why don't you have a Winter Palace?

What's that?

It's a Coke with ice in it.

But you always gave ice with your Coke.

Yeah. Only now you've got to pay for it.

I'll tell you what.

I'll have two coffee.

Colin? I'm going to have a shot at dawn for this.

Getting a little hot under the collar, are we, Linda? Oh, well, if it isn't

Madame Fraz, fortune teller of the Junior Gazette. Maybe not for long. I

Linda's going to cut the horoscopes.

Well, you should have seen it coming, yeah.

So what's your guest doing?

I'm on a mission.

A mission?

Yeah, I've even got my own notepad.

Fran, can't you see what she's doing?

She sent you on your mission to get you out of the way. You think so?

Sure, it's just an excuse to get rid of you, that's all.

I mean a mission. Come on, who's sending you? Yeah, I guess.

So she doesn't need more info on the disco story, then, huh?

Disco story? Yeah. I suggested we should send you along as well.

Let's face it, you're not exactly God's gift to the human intellect, are you?

No, I've not run away. I'm in a phone box just over the road.

I only wanted to surprise you.

Surprise me again, Colin. Tell me how we can afford a phone.

You haven't been listening, kid. We can afford it because we're not paying for

it. Like I told you, my cousin's a BT engineer and he kind of owed me a

Now listen, he put the Junior Gazette phone through the Senior Gazette

switchboard and fixed it so they wouldn't know.

We use it and Matt Kerr pays for it. And there's no way they'll ever find out.

Hang on, Linda.

You. Newsroom.

March.

Can you believe this?

We've been swept under the door by a bunch of total wimps, you know that.

I mean, we're talking about guys who look like they're wearing glasses, even

with their glasses off.

Are we going to let her do this to us?

I mean, are we really going to let her do this to us? Yeah.

No. No.

Yeah. That's what I was going to say. Uh -huh.

You know, it makes me so mad.

She just thinks we're stupid. I mean, she just assumes that we're stupid.

How does she know we're stupid? Maybe somebody told her.

You know what we're going to do?

We're going to show her that neither of us is stupid.

Well, except you.

Come on.

Where are we going exactly?

Just go info.

Isn't that what she wants us to do? No, that's what she thinks we can do.

That's why we're going to show her.

Hi, Spike.

Fraze. Oh, hi, guys.

So where have you two been the last couple of days?

Been down to Junior Gazette. Just hanging around. You know how it is.

guys, we've got to get going.

Let's shoot. You know the rumour about you, Spike?

What? The rumour is you've joined the kiddie newspaper.

The Junior Gazette. You and Fraze, you've joined it. What, are you kidding

Well, have you then?

Have we joined the Junior Gazette?

I ask you, Fraze, have we joined the Junior Gazette? Yes.

Yes?

Well, when Fred says yes, what he actually means is yes.

Yes.

Look, do you guys want a discussion about this? I mean, do you want a really

serious discussion about it? Calm it down, Spike. We're only having a joke.

Yeah, well, can I interest you in a punchline?

You're going to take us both on?

Who do you think you are? Rambo?

Superman. James Armstrong.

Come on, Till.

These guys have got a comic to write.

Excuse me, lads.

Yeah, bye.

Hurry back now.

It's going to be one of those days, huh?

Yeah, that'll do.

Peter, trust me, this is foolproof. Well, you ought to know.

Colin, there's a phone line between their building and ours. What do we tell

them it is, an electric washing line? Come on, Linda. Come on, nothing.

Mr Kerr equipped the whole office.

What's he going to think when he finds we're stealing what he won't give us?

We'll never know.

We're three days from the first edition, we're up to our eyes in work, and you

load this kind of risk on us. Linda, there's no way he can find out. And what

he just walks in here and sees the phone? We hide it. You'd better hide it

then. Chris is on her way over. Get that phone back in the drawer. Colin, if we

don't get away with this, I swear I won't even go to your funeral.

Bingo.

Bingo.

Must be exciting.

I'm sorry?

Must be really exciting, being manager of a supermarket, I mean. I mean, that's

what you are, isn't it, manager?

Yes.

I'm going to be supermarket manager, if I can pass the physical.

Or an astronaut.

Yes. Very good.

So what do you think of the news? About the new supermarket?

What new supermarket?

The one across the road.

Where the disco is now.

I thought that plan had been scrapped.

I thought the council bombed it out. Well, we don't know about that, do we? I

mean, we just heard.

But from where?

And why haven't I been informed? This is appalling. Can we quote you on that?

What? Junior Gazette.

And you do know your copy has got to be in the print room by 4 o 'clock. 3 .30,

they say.

4 o 'clock's the absolute cut -off, and those 30 minutes can be very useful.

Right, thanks.

Linda, about time for us to go.

Yeah, right, I'll be with you in a minute. Do you think you could have a

some of this stuff? You know the rule, Linda. We help you make the paper, but

don't read it till it's printed.

So, anyway, if you could have that stuff ready.

Wasn't that a phone ringing?

Oh, no, it was the doorbell.

You don't have a doorbell.

Oh, there must have not been.

Why is everybody looking guilty just because you've had a phone put in?

You haven't.

Is it on our exchange?

And do we know about it?

I told you you'd get caught.

I don't want to know about this. Chrissie, what are you going to do if Mr

finds out? The only way he'll find out is if I tell him. And I'm not going to

tell him because I don't want to be there when he finds out.

Let's just be calm now. Let's just sit down, plan a discussion, draw up an

agenda.

You're dead, Colin.

Well, that's a point of view.

That's an issue we can discuss.

Colin! Look, we've really got to go now.

Yeah, right.

Lucky for you, Matthews.

Kenny, we're off to the town hall. See if we can pick up some background on

disco story.

I thought there was a couple of people down there already.

No, just Bambi and Thumper.

I suppose you can reconnect that.

As long as we're taking the risk, we may as well take the benefit.

I knew you'd see it my way.

Are you sure this woman's going to be in on a Saturday? Yeah, that's what I

heard.

Who else have you given this number to? Nobody.

Hello?

No, it isn't.

Colin?

Can you explain to me why someone's just phoned here looking for Colin Matthews

Enterprises?

Wrong number?

What are we going to do now?

Well, that guy said the council bombed out the plans for the new supermarket.

And I know somebody's dad who was on the council. Yeah? Yeah. Remember that girl

I dumped? The one who said she was going to kill me? Debbie Raymond. That's her

name. Great. You got 10p? Look, we don't have an appointment. She doesn't even

know who we are.

Nobody's ever heard of the Junior Gazette. We probably won't get past

Will you stop worrying? This is no problem.

Your boss is going.

My swear box. I can't afford it anyway.

Yeah, well, I'm glad you found somebody else. That's great.

Now, listen, Debs, the reason... Yeah, well, just keep hanging around outside

his house. That usually does the trick.

Now, Debs, listen, the reason I'm phoning... Yeah, well, I'm sure he is

than me. Much taller.

That's great.

Yeah, and better looking. Who isn't? Silly me.

Debs, listen, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, well, that's the greatest top of all his classes.

Yes, James Armstrong is a lovely name.

Debs, listen, can you answer me a question?

Listen, is your old man still on the council or what?

Because I want to ask him a question, that's why.

Can you believe that woman? I mean, she wouldn't even talk to us. What a

total...

Linda, stop it. You can't afford it.

Yeah, right. I'm going to kick that habit.

That's all we need. The three stooges.

There's only two of them. Do you think they know that?

Well, isn't this nice?

Hey, we can make up a foursome.

I don't think much of yours, but boy, are you in luck.

What are you two doing here?

Your voice, it's going.

Here we go.

What? I can't tell you, my voice is going.

What are you two doing here?

Disco info.

We heard that the woman who put the stops on the supermarket last time was

working today.

So we thought we'd try to get an interview. See why she changed her mind.

You found that out yourself?

Sure. Is there a problem?

Uh, no.

She won't see you. She wouldn't even see us.

Well, we'll give it a shot anyway. See what she says.

What makes you think you'll get an interview when we didn't? Well, let's

it, Linda.

I'm much prettier than you are.

Come on, Fred.

See you later.

Yeah, he's sort of full of himself, isn't he?

Full of something.

Now, why do I think we'll be able to get an interview when they didn't?

Why do we have that they don't?

Why do we have, Fred?

We must have something.

Well, I've got a comb and I've got some chewing gum.

Yeah, we could always try bribery.

I've got tape.

Oh, come on, think, will you?

What now?

Amanda Swanson's office. That's on the top floor.

If I could just get up there long enough to use my personality.

How?

Oh, give me a break.

Oh, what?

Hey, does your uncle still run that joke shop?

Uh -huh. And they do cartoons and stuff, right?

Yeah. So?

I have just had a wicked idea.

Come in.

Miss Swanson?

Hi. I'm your singing telegram.

Singing telegram?

Yep. Where can I park my axe?

A singing telegram from whom?

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen, ladies.

Miss Swanson, I'm lying.

I'm not a singing telegram.

I'm from the Junior Gazette, and I need an interview.

What? I know you ought to have me thrown out of here, but...

Well, I did go to all this trouble just to get past you people out there.

Well, I think I deserve a reward, you know, for my effort.

What do you say?

Just a little interview?

Ten minutes?

Please?

Am I not the coolest?

I mean, you could just run a fridge off of my personality.

Sure.

What now?

What now?

Home and then we eat.

And then I'm going to take this to Linda this evening.

Can't wait to see your face.

Right, we lead on the supermarket story. It's a scoop, it's punchy, it's the

best we have.

Yeah, but it's all guesswork.

I mean, there's no actual proof.

We're not saying anything either, are we? We've just got a picture of these

guys sizing the place up and just imagine.

That's right. We let the readers jump to their own conclusions.

Sarah's done a lovely job of writing it up and now all we need is a good

headline. I've got it.

All 12 star signs.

What's yours, Linda?

Haemoglobin.

Haemoglobin. We've got tarmac.

Tarmac? How about zinc? Or helium?

How about carbohydrate?

We shouldn't have done that.

What would have been nice would have been that Amanda Swanson story.

I mean, that would have really beefed it out a bit, wouldn't it? Hey, Kelly,

I've got tarmac, can I? Not now, Frazz.

The Swanson interview would have been good, but she wouldn't even talk to us.

She talked to Spike.

What? When? When he interviewed her.

Interviewed her?

He got in?

Sure.

Where is he?

Where is he, Fred?

That's all his mates. They were kind of making fun of him for being on the

paper. And now he's giving his image a brush -up at our expense.

Do you know what street credibility is, Brad?

No.

Neither will Spike about one minute from now.

Spike, darling, you didn't tell me you were coming here tonight.

What? Are these all your friends? I've heard so much about you. Well, I ain't

knowed a thing about you, love. He hasn't mentioned me.

Oh, we go to the same dance class together, don't you, darling?

Dance class?

He didn't mention that either.

Well, you're so modest.

You know, I think the bike's got a serious future in ballet.

Ballet? But you're more interested in your poetry, aren't you, sweetheart?

Look, she's lying. I don't do poetry and I don't do ballet.

Oh, spite.

Next you'll be denying you're on the Junior Gazette. They already know that I

work at the Junior Gazette.

Yeah, but you did deny it before, didn't you?

Can I just read you a poem you wrote me for my birthday?

No, I don't think you can.

Oh, poetry.

What is this about?

Get back to the Englishman's bike. I'm not afraid to use it. Are you trying to

embarrass me? Trying.

Spike, if your face gets any red, the traffic will stop at you. It's about the

interview, isn't it? Well, it isn't very much. All she did was deny there's

going to be a new supermarket, OK?

That's fine. We can use an official denial.

Yeah, so did I right now.

You got it?

Me versus Spike?

Do you really have to ask?

Well, sir, what do you think?

Get yourself to the town hall, Amanda Swanson's office, as fast as you can.

Is something wrong?

You broke the cardinal rule of the newspaper business. You didn't check

sources. There will be no new supermarkets here until we, as a

convinced that the livelihood of the existing shopkeepers will not be damaged

it. Now, your story was not only wrong, it was irresponsible and dangerously

alarmist. We didn't actually state there was going to be a new supermarket. We

just speculated. There was no actual mistake.

You mean you're not going to apologise?

We will apologise for any error in the article, should there be one. Then I

expect to read an apology in your next edition.

Should there be one.

Mr Kerr, are we in real trouble?

Kerr says we've managed to offend every shopkeeper and council member in town.

He says he's coming under pressure to halt the newspaper altogether.

He says we've seriously messed up.

That was 11 seconds.

I must be really mad.

He said if we make it to our second edition, it'll be a miracle.

Linda, I've had a thought. Lie down, it'll go away.

Sarah, these guys outside the disco. What about them?

Well, if they're not buying the disco what are they doing?

Kenny!

What's happened? Are they still in there?

What are you doing here?

I was feeling guilty.

Thought the police station was the best place for it.

What's this about? The disco story?

Yeah, Matt Kerr got a phone call.

Told him to come straight down here.

I didn't know they could arrest you for being a lousy editor.

She's not lousy.

Have you told her about the way you're feeling?

Kenny, you're never going to believe this. It's amazing.

Well, she's taking this rather well.

What's he doing here?

You know what, kiddo?

This kid is a big friend of yours, you know that?

You know what he said when he was inside there?

He said you weren't... He said you were not lousy.

Ignore him. What happened?

You know those two guys, the ones Danny photographed?

Yeah. You know what they are?

Professional arsonists.

Professional arsonists?

But they torched the building.

Jack Slade gets insurance money. And the two guys get paid.

And there's a gab in the street the next morning.

Except they were on our front page. The police saw it, recognised the two of

them, and knew what they must have been up to. And here we are.

But what's really important about all this is that we're back in action. They

love us in there. We've got friends.

We've done them a big favor, and we're never going to let them forget it. What

do you mean?

Our second issue, how we foiled the arsonist.

Come on, let's get to work.

This is my story.

Can I get involved somewhere?

How can I put this?

No way.

Absolutely not. You must be joking. Forget it.

Sorry, couldn't quite make that out. Your voice must be going.

Oi, Spike.

We're going down the park. You come in.

Sorry, guys.

Leave for my dance class.

Kenny, it's no problem.

It's impossible.

People do it every day.

I don't.

Kenny, are you serious?

You've never been out with a girl?

Not completely.

Well, how can you be out with a girl not completely?

Well, I was there. Uh -huh.

But she... wasn't.

Did you up?

Well, I never asked her. And you went anyway?

Yeah, well, it would have been a shame if neither of us had turned up.

You're missing a crucial point here. The point is, I can't ask. I mean, what if

she says no?

What if she did?

Well, I'll cover myself in petrol and I'll ask you for a light.

Kenny, it's no problem. Let me show you. Linda, will you go out with me tonight?

Not tonight, not any night, not ever.