Original subtitles

in the Gazette. Anyone see?

Local couple nearly killed in their honeymoon.

Anything in it for us?

Well, we could do a cartoon. Like a hearse and on the back, just married.

How do you spell bubonic plague?

What store is that?

For the horoscopes.

Nita, who took my chair? There was a chair at my desk. Who took it? I don't

know.

Fraz, you wouldn't happen to be Scorpio, would you?

How do you know?

Because you unexpectedly become a millionaire and your maths teacher

You Linda Day?

Me, Linda Day. Again, less stupid.

I'll talk to you.

Copy Hunter, right? Yeah, yeah. Who volunteers you?

What? Who sent you? Mr Sullivan at the school.

Do this now and get it back to me. I've got nothing to write with. Yep, the

pointy end.

Over there.

Well, I didn't find out you'd just borrowed it till I sat down.

Sorry.

Linda.

Copy Hunter. Five days to go and they send a gormless gong.

KD. KD plus.

He was in my maths in first year. They had to number his fingers to help him

count. I wonder what he did to get sent here.

Linda, how about this? I think I've got it this time.

Oh, Julie, that's great.

Linda?

It's interesting.

You don't like it, do you? See the second thing in Gazette?

That's the bit you don't like?

No, that's the bit I do like.

Linda!

I've fixed another tour of the print room for Wednesday, OK?

Great. Thanks, Chrissie. Listen, we're going to need two more people trained in

layout and pace -up. Is that possible?

Two? I don't know. I'll ask him. Could you ask him really nicely?

I'll use both my knees.

Need the person. Linda, have you seen my desk?

Sorry. Jeff, have you taken my desk now?

Linda. Danny.

Danny, come on. There's no time for that.

I was asleep.

No, you just dreamt it.

Oh, well, we're not still here, are we? I don't know. I thought I'd gone out. It

must have been somebody else.

How long have we been here? I don't think I remember the way home.

Five days for the first edition, Danny. Five days.

I don't remember what my house looks like. I can't even remember which of my

parents is which.

Come off it. It's only... 8 .30. I was trying to tell you. We've done three

hours already.

All right, everybody.

Quiet.

Quiet!

Everyone pack up and out.

It's 8 .30.

Time for school.

Some interesting kids here. You said you wanted them interesting.

Why do I feel the Junior Gazette is becoming a dumping ground for all your

problem pupils?

Problem pupils?

Linda Day, Kenny Phillips, Sarah Jackson?

I've given you my star performers.

Sullivan stars, eh?

You've also given me Godfrey Hunter, Fraser Davis... Pratt.

Ian Smith.

Not exactly stars, Bill.

Plenty of energy, though.

And isn't that what you said you wanted the Junior Gazette to be?

A chance for youth to channel its energy productively? A chance you seem to

think us teachers weren't quite providing?

You're going to make me regret saying that, aren't you?

Oh, you never could resist a challenge, Matt.

And speaking of challenges, I've saved the best till last.

If you can get this kid to channel his energy productively, I will nominate you

for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Another interesting one?

To the point of expulsion.

So tell me.

James Thompson.

Eight occasions of extreme insolence. Five of exceptional and potentially

dangerous indiscipline. And now this incident at the school dance.

You've already been suspended from school a total of six times.

Normally we would now exclude you from Norbridge High on a permanent basis.

However, on this occasion...

We are prepared to offer you an alternative.

I showed her the new graphic and she just wrinkled her nose.

What's wrong with it, I asked her.

It's the I in junior, she said.

What's wrong with the I in junior, I asked her.

They're all up for being one, she said.

Thompson, aren't you?

I don't know. I can't see a thing in his glasses.

Hey, you're the one who, well, you know, at the school dance, aren't you? Yeah,

I'm the one who you know.

You know a lot. Why did you do it?

You don't know.

Listen, could I do an interview with you for the paper?

What? Oh, about the school dance, I mean. I've got to do an interview for

first edition and you could be it.

James Thompson?

Spike. I'm sorry, we've got James here.

Yeah, well, that's just my name.

Okay, Spike, this way.

Kenny, I was just about to interview him.

You can't.

He's joining.

Come on, Spike.

We were kind of expecting you yesterday.

Yeah? Well, something more interesting came up. More interesting?

Yeah, I had some paint drying on my house. Didn't want to miss it.

How,

Danny? We don't have a finance system.

That's the other thing he wants you to do.

Terrific.

So. Who volunteered you?

Who volunteered me?

Yeah, well, everyone here's a volunteer, whether they do their own volunteering

or not. Oh, yeah. Was it Sullivan?

Yeah, it was Sullivan. Yeah, right.

Well, we're a junior newspaper.

We're eight.

She's making me do another rewrite.

Eight -time lucky.

Crap. Hey, that's President Davis.

Yep, she recognised quite a few places there. We're mainly from Norbridge High.

Yeah? But, uh, Kerr once was recruiting at the other schools just to even the

balance out a bit.

Who's Kerr?

Matt Kerr.

You'll meet him soon enough.

Oh, hang on, Spike. Jeff!

We're going to need both those bookcases.

Brad.

Mike. Your last chance. Join the kid in newspaper or get kicked out of school.

You'd say.

I liked it better when they made us help old people. You know, weed the garden,

dry the chin, that kind of thing.

So what's it got you doing?

Horoscopes.

Yeah? No future in it. Do you know any star signs? I can only think of three.

Yeah? You got a copy of what?

I kind of thought you might end up here, you know, after what happened at the

school dance.

Was he right in front of the headmaster?

Capricorn? Huh? Star sign.

Was it? Yeah.

Hey, were most of these guys here forced to join?

Yeah, those guys were.

Mind you, most of these went to volunteer.

Can't they?

No, I think it's just... It's a star sign.

I'll tell you something, Brad.

They can make me come home.

They can even make me join you.

But nobody is going to get me to do anything here, you know? You haven't met

Matt Kerr yet, have you? No. I didn't think so.

All right, could you fill this out, please, and get it back to me as soon as

possible?

Let me tell you what I'm going to do here, okay?

I'm going to find a corner of this place to myself.

I'm going to sit with my feet high out of my head, and then I'm going to get

seriously relaxed.

And if you disturb me one more time talking about newspapers, you're going

end up a smoky hole in the floor, okay?

So why don't you just take this and cut it into squares for your toilet?

Kenny, cut the page two buttons and get more solution from Sarah.

And could you get something done about fine outside? I don't think trespassers

will be exterminated. It's really the only kind of project here.

Okay, Bob.

Hey, careful with this, okay? Why do you think this is? Tolley paper?

Hello?

Hi.

Excuse me.

I'm, uh, having some problems filling out this form. You can give me a hand.

What's your problem?

Some of these questions are kind of hard, you know.

What questions?

Well, like, uh... Nick?

Well, I have a suggestion.

Get your mother to write it on the back of your hand every morning.

Mike, do you think television has influenced your behavior in any way?

Uh, yeah. These days, I never swear until after 9 o 'clock.

Good enough?

It's a neat idea, but we need something punchier. It's our first ever front

page. Whatever our lead is, it's got to be a real grabber.

Hey, did I get this first one right?

You've put a tick in the box for your name. Well, I've got one.

Spike Thompson, since you asked.

K .D. I was getting that impression.

Yes, so what, K .D.? Look, would you mind just filling in the form? We need

know a bit about you. Yeah, well, you could try asking.

We ask on the form.

Do you always make friends by questionnaire?

I'm not making friends.

Yeah, I can believe that.

Spike Thompson.

Of course, the American.

Well, an American. There is more than one of us, you know.

Staying long, or is it a flying visit? I've been here four years. Really?

have learned the language soon. Well, this may come as a surprise to you, but

some Americans, they can speak English, too. Then why don't you?

Of course, I have to watch all the American TV cop shows to keep up with my

accent. Which is great until halfway through a conversation with somebody,

I usually end up frisking them.

Weren't you the one at the school dance?

Yes, I thought so.

And now they sent you here.

Why did Sullivan do this to me? Hey, can I tell you something?

I mean, this might be kind of embarrassing coming from a guy you just

everything, but I really think you should know.

Say this was like the olden days.

You know, thousands and thousands of years ago.

I'd kill a dragon for you.

What? No, really, I would. I'd get right out there and I'd kill one.

In fact, I'll make you an offer.

If you'll go out with me some night this week, I'll make a definite commitment.

To kill the first gang that I see.

Are you completely out of your head? Only weekends.

I'll leave the lights on.

Linda McClure wants to see you.

Thanks, Julie.

Kenny, did you get that stuff thing? Yesterday.

Danny, did you give him those photographs?

The day before.

What's he angry about?

Maybe he just wants to talk to you. Yeah, right. Maybe I'll just fly over

on a pig.

Well, then you'd better get going. I'm going. I'm gone.

Hey. Is this the guy you're melting at the armpits about?

By the way, that was absolutely the worst chat -up line I've ever heard.

What, out of both of them?

Hey, you with no personality.

What you need is a grabber, right?

What? I heard it starts in a tight space, though.

What you need is a good story to sell the first edition.

Oh, yeah, but why should you care? Because I'm going to find it for you.

What, I'm too, uh, feet in the air and smoky hold?

I'm tired of being a rebel.

I'm with you. They can make me come here. They can make me work here. Hey,

Prez. What's with the negative attitude?

What? Get involved, man. Go with the flow. Enjoy yourself.

Who is she?

What? Which one is it?

What are you talking about? Linda Day, isn't it? She always did like the

type.

Taurus. What?

Bull.

Guys like that are always getting into trouble. He may just find a story. So?

So go with him. All right.

Oh, what did he say?

Yesterday, I left a message asking if he could help us find a story for the

first edition.

And he gave you a lecture on how you've got to do it yourself, otherwise you

won't learn anything.

But what do I know about finding a story?

All I've done is the school magazine.

Why ask me to edit a newspaper?

Well, you seemed pretty keen at the time. It sounded pretty good at the

voice for today's youth.

You'll manage.

Yes, but without your help.

That's the way it is, Linda. John, listen, I've been looking for you. Ah,

Hewitt. Oh, now's not a good time.

I can't believe you appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Of course I do. We all do. This is not just another news story. This could

affect the life of every single child in the country. Of course I know that. You

just have to give me one moment, okay? One moment.

You've been

here very long.

Excuse me, are you the gentleman with Miss Stewart? Yes, I am. Where is she?

If you could just come with me, please.

Well, where are we going?

Well, actually, Miss Stewart had a suggestion about your very interesting

I don't know whether you've heard of the Junior Gazette.

See anything?

Not really.

I don't understand it.

When does all the news happen?

They're still there. Who are? If you could see past your mouth, maybe you'd

know. Don't you worry about saying something like that to me.

Of course not.

I'm a complete and utter wimp. How could you look cool duffing me up?

Hey, Colin!

Don't you know better than to shout a person's name completely suddenly? You

could have been someone I owed money.

I need a math homework for tomorrow afternoon.

Who's your teacher, Stanwyck or Anderson?

Anderson.

I can do you a nice little copy tomorrow morning break.

It'll be a pound, though.

Math is hot right now. How much?

Look, she's one of my best sources.

She's in demand. She's upping her prices.

Yeah, and you're upping your cut, too, I bet, huh? Hey, you've got a better way

of getting this stuff. Okay, you know I don't.

I'll have the money tomorrow afternoon.

I've got a high degree of product confidence in this homework, Spike.

I'm offering a 20 % refund if there's more than two wrong answers.

By the way, loved your input at the school dance.

There's some guys in the fourth year interested in sponsoring you to do it

at the sports day.

Yeah, I'll think about it. Do that. Well then, Spike, time is money and it's

running out.

I've got some advertising to sell. Sell some what?

Advertising for the Junior Gazette.

Not you two.

And not you.

So what happened?

My academic self -improvement scheme.

What? Just a little venture to help the individual pupil improve his school

performance. What were you doing?

Selling blank report cards.

Well, things to see people to do. Catch you later, Spike.

Why'd they do it, Danny?

Why'd they get guys like Colin and Frazz and me to join a junior newspaper?

See those geese over there?

What about them?

What?

Junior, you say?

Yeah, when Chrissie heard your story involved children, she thought maybe we

should talk.

But this is a serious matter.

And this is a serious newspaper.

Linda. Oh,

that's Miss Stewart.

Uh, Traz, look after the nice man.

Certainly.

So, what's your star sign, then?

It's Aquarius.

No, no, star sign.

I seem to have lost something.

Did you leave it lying about?

Not for long.

If it's the man over there you're talking about, he's decided to do his

with us.

Really? And how did he find his way here?

I think I must have helped him.

I see.

So that's the way it is.

That's the way it is.

Well, Linda, may the force be with you.

They've been standing outside that disco since we got here.

They've walked up and down outside it, looked at it from every angle.

That geezer's even been taking notes.

I think they're stressing the place out for burglary.

No, that's Jack Slade they're talking to. He's the owner.

So what, then?

Well, there's been rumours about the disco closing down in a new supermarket.

My dad was talking about it last night.

You think he'll be selling to those guys?

Yes, possible.

Let's go ask him. What?

Let's go ask him.

Mr Slade!

Mr Slade!

Is it true you're getting rid of the disco?

What? Are you getting rid of the disco?

Of course I'm not.

Don't be stupid.

You were right. He fell in.

How do you know?

How do you think?

He denied it.

This is not a kiddie's paper. It's a paper about you, by you.

And if that's where your story's at, then this is where it ought to be.

Well, if Miss Stewart thinks so, too.

She certainly does, Mr... About toys.

What? toys of an extremely dangerous nature on sale here, on sale all across

country. And when I say dangerous, Miss Day, I mean lethal.

Lethal? Great.

Pardon? Has anyone been killed yet?

No. What kind of toys are they? I'll do better than tell you. I'll show you.

What, now? I've got some examples in the car. I'll fetch them.

Brad, go with a nice man.

It's all right. I can manage. No, no, I insist, just in case you get lost or

anything.

It's all right, you know.

Relax, relax.

Kenny,

we've got a story. We've got a real -life, honest -to -gold story.

Hey!

Hold the front page.

Have we got news for you?

Plague of zombie rats.

You sure?

Zombie rats, yeah. That's if you're a pirate.

Well, I don't hold much with astrology myself. No, neither do I.

Linda wanted me to do an astrology column, but I said, you know, I'd rather

the horoscope.

She didn't think to mind.

So I ask him, and what did he do? He looks so guilty, he's sweating steam,

he denies it. And my reporter's instincts are telling me this kid is

And that's it?

That's the scoop of the year?

I don't know, Linda, I think he's got something. I mean, I've heard them

too. Yeah, see?

Yeah, well, maybe we could squeeze it under the crossword or something.

Under the crossword? Come on, Linda. This could be lead story material.

We've got the lead story. It's about to walk through that door.

This could be better.

No way, Kenny. No way is he getting the front page.

It. No way is it getting the front page.

So a story gets stuffed under the crossword because it's me, right? Look,

don't need a KD finding stories for me.

What's a KD, anyway?

Do you really want to know?

A KD spike is a knuckle -dragger.

I didn't want to have to say this.

But I'm no longer prepared to go out with you.

Well, that should make a dragon very happy. Yeah, the one I'm talking to.

Spike, I'm doing it. What? I'm getting involved, like you said.

Yeah? Well, I'm leaving.

What?

Now, I believe you have something to show us.

Hey, cowboy.

Love your car.

Thanks.

So who are you?

New sheriff in town?

Sure am.

Spike.

There have been dangerous toys in the past, I know, but nothing I think to

this. What I'm giving you the opportunity to expose here is quite

national scandal.

I think, Miss Day, the contents of this bag will shock you.

There was a photograph on your school file.

Mr. Sullivan gave it to me.

Matt Kerr, right?

And you recognize me from one photo? What are you doing out here, Spike? You

should be inside with the others. Yeah, well, I kind of needed a breath of fresh

air.

Finish breathing.

As you can see from these press releases I've prepared, these toys not only

constitute a breach of trading regulations, but I firmly believe

serious threat to national security.

Well, okay, maybe it wasn't just a breath of fresh air.

There's this girl in there, right? Linda Day, you know her. I know her.

Well, she's such a total complete... I mean, she's such a... I'm not taking a

word of that back.

According to your school file, Spike, you're a bit of a total complete such -a

yourself. So it seems to me you've got two choices.

Yeah? You can either get back in there and get down to some serious work on the

Junior Gazette.

Or?

Else.

Can you believe?

Can you even begin to believe that on open sale in toy shops everywhere in the

country, perhaps everywhere in the world, is the latest American defense

technology? What?

Yeah, the Star Wars program.

Oh, no.

Before I go back, one question.

That sounded like one.

Why does a guy like you come here, take over a local newspaper, and then set up

a kiddie spin -off for guys like me?

Why not?

Because you're big time.

I've read a couple of newspaper clippings.

If it was any more famous, I would have heard of you.

Well, you know what they say, Spike.

What? You can't believe everything you read in the papers.

Great. If you could just wait over there, we'll be with you in a moment.

Mr... Vader.

May the Force be with you.

Chrissie knew all along. She must have left him out in that corridor to get rid

of him.

Yeah, well, it kind of leaves us with one lead story, doesn't it?

Does he go in the supermarket?

And spike.

Do you want me to go and fetch him?

I dug the hole.

I'll do the climbing.

Looking for me?

No, no.

Yes.

Look, you need the Junior Gazette because without it you get kicked out of

school. So get reasonable and get back inside.

What are you trying to say? That you followed me out here because you were

concerned about my academic future?

Yes.

Yes.

No. I need the disco story.

Aha.

Look, I need the disco story and you need the paper, okay?

So, truth?

Yeah, I accept your apology.

I haven't apologized.

It's too late. I've accepted.

Let's get to work.

You mean you're really going to work with a KD?

How about this?

You're not a KD if I'm not a dragon.

Okay, then.

Okay. By the way, Spike. Yeah?

Look, don't get the wrong idea about this.

I just have to know, right?

I mean, I have to know about my staff, okay?

Okay.

Did you really do that at the school dance?

Well, you know what they say, London?

Well, I can't believe everything you read in the papers.

Linda, I still need help with this form.

Look, you can read, can't you?

Until my finger gets sore.

And you can write?

Write? I can do that backwards, but I'm getting help for that.

Spike, this is getting boring.

Is there anything you don't joke about?

Sure. What?

Nothing. I was joking.

Fun, isn't it? I've had more fun with a pencil stuck in my eye.

You think we're becoming friends here?

I think I feel a spark.

Spike? So how long before we start going out with each other?

What? Because I want to get something straight.

About what?

When I dump you.

You want a letter or should I just stop phoning?

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