Original subtitles

Thank you.

once again, boys and girls.

It's time for another story from my dusty old book of fairy tales.

Oh, and I, of course, am Mother

Goose.

Do you remember Beauty and the Beast from last

time? Where this beautiful young maiden ignored this man's ugly hideousness.

She fell madly in love with him, and poof, he became a prince.

Well, we're not just sitting around playing pinochle all day.

We've come up with Beauty and the Beast, part two.

It's 20 years later, and things haven't changed too much.

Dark ages, you know.

Except that Lord Beastington, through shrewd political dealings and timely

assassination, has become King Beastington.

And he's still very much in love with his beauty, and she with he.

Deborah, who used to be the poorest servant, is now handmaid to Queen

She's still looking for Mr. Right, and her luck seems to be about as good as

Campanella. And

Beauty's

father, Lyle Not -a -Penny, was rewarded for all of his kindness by being named

sole licensee.

for all of the palace visitors' souvenirs.

Allen shirts, t -shirts here.

I survived the plague shirts here. Show all your friends you survived the

plague. Torture handbook, the official torture handbook here.

The king had two beautiful daughters, one of which was named Patience.

She was sweet and virginal.

And now for our story.

Thank you.

La la la la.

There you are, darling.

Castle. Q -U -A -S -T -L -E.

Read them and weep.

Castle is spelled with a K, my dear.

Don't be ridiculous.

That most definitely spells castle. Q -U -A -S -T -L -E.

No, that's quassel.

Castle with a K.

Did I tell you about my recent shopping spree at Lord & Taylor?

I picked up a beautiful new set of thumb screws.

Of course Castle's with a Q.

It's his fault.

Castle. Q -A -S -T -L -E. It's triple world score, too.

Of course.

You know, my dear, it's so wonderful to have such beautiful daughters.

Yes.

It's certainly a shame to think that soon they'll be gone.

Till then, I will savor these days. They're still our sweet little girl.

You know, Sybil is more evil than she appears.

She insists on dating these rowdy knights with their fast horses.

On church he means well.

You must occasionally look at your daughter with your eyes instead of your

heart, my beloved.

And patience.

I have no concern about patients.

She has a gentle face and talented hands.

Yes, I've seen her needlepoint.

It's quite good.

Your love and theirs means so much to me.

If they would ever let me down, it would crush me deeply.

Oh, Lord Jarvis, leaving so soon?

There's so much more to learn.

Yeah, well, perhaps you can teach me more during my next session, darling.

I noticed that you have one of those delightful moves, anyway.

Oh, I don't know.

Must be the best thing, you know.

Yeah, perhaps it is.

Now, listen, Subba, the reality of the situation is I'm just a tad too old for

you, you know?

But if we really do my heart good, you'll get down with my son Desmond, you

what I mean?

But how?

My father never lets me go out, and my mother would never let me go out with

someone like him.

God, she is so boring and perfect.

I mean, isn't it enough that my goddamn sister's already like her?

Now, Sybil, I, uh... What?

My mother. Your mother?

What do you want me to do?

The window.

The window?

Oh!

Mother! Hello, darling. I just wanted to come in and say goodnight.

Oh, sweet.

I'm so sleepy.

Darling, I just wanted to let you know your father and I love you very much.

Yes, dear.

Do you think that, well, do you think it would be possible for me to go to the

big Renaissance pleasure fair this weekend?

No, no, no, no, no.

The last time you went to the Renaissance fair, you stayed out all

and then the next day at least three different men called, said that you

them, and made them Prince of all BC.

No fair.

No fair?

No fair!

Sybil, darling, you have a mean streak.

And your father and I only want to save you from yourself.

You're just making that up.

When you're through with your toys, darling, please put them on.

Good night.

See what I mean.

Yeah, good.

And doll, doll, just like you said.

This is Sybil.

Perhaps I'll go speak to your mother myself, and maybe I can work something

so you have a date with Desmond, huh?

Perhaps she would listen to you, Lord Jarvis.

Perhaps she would.

Bye -bye.

And meanwhile, King Basington was saying goodnight to his good daughter,

Patience.

I don't know.

The sister troubles me.

Oh, Father.

Sybil's played many pranks.

You know, like the one with the dwarf hunchback at the Pope's birthday bash.

Yeah.

I'll never forget the horrified look on the Holy Father's face when he lifted up

the silver platter cover, expecting to find Rosalina.

Expecting to find Rosalina.

Expecting to find Rosalina.

Yes,

someone couldn't have known the Pope had a heart condition.

Patience. You have such a kind, warm, loving heart, just like your mother.

That's why I wanted you to move into the room next to Sybil's. I know you'll

have an influence on her.

I know I'm right.

Come.

Well, what crushing blows await the poor king now?

Can you spell infidelity, boys and girls?

I knew you could.

in town collecting taxes.

And when you return, I'll play you a tune.

I can't wait, my darling.

You know, he really does love my music.

Press me.

Excuse me, Your Highness, but I have a matter of great delicacy to discuss with

you. Oh, really?

Carry on.

Gutenberg, where were you? I'm packing ours.

You got a receipt?

That's the problem. Good. Let's go.

that when someone said a matter, was it some delicacy?

Invariably, it was.

In fact, some in -delicacy.

Perhaps I should bring this up with your husband.

After all, he should be informed of, um, the affairs of the princess.

My husband is of the same opinion as I.

I'm your savior.

It is just your slanderous word.

Ah!

I beg your pardon, your highness, but it just so happens I have recorded

evidence.

You see, my associate here recorded an entire session of young

Sybil's debauchery.

Gutenberg, if you please.

You see, I had a feeling that Sybil just might be up to some shenanigans, so I

took the liberty of planting Gutenberg in the room.

You know, the morality of my daughter is of no concern to you.

And if my husband hears this recording, it will destroy him.

Hmm.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe.

Maybe.

I should demand some form of payment in order to keep it from me.

All right, Jarvis. What shall it be?

Gold? Yeah.

Choice forest land?

Don't need it.

Lifetime supply of mutton?

Please.

No, my queen.

Actually...

I was thinking of something a bit more... royal.

How dare you, fondled queen.

I should have you detestacled and dangle them from the nearest milepost.

Don't you ever say anything like that.

My love for my daughter and my husband is strong.

And I will do what I need to protect them.

Even if I have to surrender my body to a sleaze like you.

Gutenberg, excuse us.

No, wait.

This recording must be burned.

Oh, really?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Gutenberg.

Come here.

I'm really sorry about this, but... I got a shot at fucking the queen.

I mean, what would you do in my place, huh? I think I'd think of my fellow

being. I think I'd...

Yeah, I'd fuck her too.

Not as dumb as you look, Gutenberg.

You cool?

Travis, you're immoral.

Where?

Isn't this a sweet and touching turn of events?

Oh! Oh, Jarvis! You're despicable, disgusting,

disgusting little man!

But your tongue!

Oh, that tongue!

So they'll call me Jarvis the Jabber for nothing, toots?

I hate to do this.

Thank you.

Oh

So great was Beauty's love for her man that she endured an unspeakable assault

at the hands of someone she absolutely abhorred.

Will she ever get over it?

Wow.

Yeah, hmm.

Oh, yeah

So the doctor yelled at his apprentice, You fool!

I said, Brick is boiled!

You funny little man!

Well, that's it.

I gotta take five.

Yes, yes, yes.

Huh. Fiddler, why so sad?

If she's thinking of giving it up, that's good news.

Well, sir, she is giving it up, but it's not the violin.

You see,

Unnaturally, the violin teacher blabbed the whole thing to the king, and the

king was dumbstruck.

I'm a blabberguy.

The love of my life.

Bopping Lord Jarvis.

One of my own knights.

Tell me, Fender.

Did she... Did she seem to enjoy herself?

I regret to inform, sire, but she rode that pony like there was no tomorrow.

I'm utterly distraught.

What shall I do?

What shall I do?

I have a wonderful idea. I think first we'll take them down to the dungeon.

Yes, I'll take them down and lock them up.

Yes, let's tie them, spread eagle to the bars, facing out, of course.

Naked. Naked. That's it. We'll tie them spread -eagle and naked to the bars in

the cold and the damp. Oh, it's awful, but I love it.

And then I'll come by in about a half an hour and start to shave them.

I think that'll be great.

Shaving them from head to toes. I love shaving prisoners, starting with the

face, moving down the underarms, a little bit on the chest, and then

your way down to the cross.

Guard, please.

We'll do nothing to them.

I'll be leaving now, sir.

Thank you, Fiddler. Thank you.

Now for the second show. So this knight walks into a bar, right? He says, I got

a ten -foot dick.

So?

Come on, King, I get paid, man. I showed up.

Aw, man.

Did he find out about Jarvis and I?

How?

Perhaps I should tell him.

No, it would kill him.

He knew it was to protect him and that I didn't enjoy it much.

What's the matter with me? If he does know about this, why am I smiling like

idiot?

No, frown means guilt.

I can't believe her.

The love of my life.

Unfaithful with that damn Jarvis.

What humiliation.

I can just imagine their bodies joining in the tumbling, sweaty lust of math.

Throbbing flesh.

Wuthering yearning.

Snorting passion.

Maybe I can watch them sometime.

Nah, I'd hate that.

Bye.

Oh. Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, no.

Does this mean King Beastington is returning to his former self, the Beast?

out at this hour.

Oh, and a tither.

I can't sleep.

Oh, that's a shame.

Perhaps I'll have a sip of some old wine, huh?

Yes.

Perhaps.

Perhaps I will.

There.

So, now tell me, what speed is assisting the problem?

Mine.

My husband.

He... He doesn't touch me in a certain way.

Hey!

It's quite a nip and jump there, my honey.

I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him.

I know I deserve it.

I... I betrayed him.

I know it's only because I love him, though.

Oh,

there we go!

I should put here in the first quote.

Oh.

Wow!

Four.

So, boys and girls.

Next day.

That's just a live one.

It's you.

And where be your husband Heathcliff, the Duke of Guise?

Oh, he's here.

Come on, come on.

Yes, my beloved goddess, the best of all the world's beauties.

Duke, let me help you, please.

Oh, I wouldn't think of him like a woman.

She is the help, you idiot.

Yes, my beloved goddess, the best of all the world's beauties.

My sister, and Heathcliff. How very good to see you.

Beauty, where might be that handsome king of yours?

And your lovely daughters?

Well, they're in the middle of a family discussion.

I forbid you to see this young scoundrel.

But father, this boy is handsome and rich.

You just don't like him because he's the son of Jarvis.

That has nothing to do with it.

He's just not worthy of a princess.

Besides, what is so appealing about these young knaves with their fast

and loud lute players?

They're not appealing to me, Father.

I know that, Patience.

What is appealing to you, Patience?

The only hump that you'll ever get is by visiting a bell ringer at Notre Dame.

That's enough ugly talk, Sybil.

You should be more like your sister.

Your life will lead you straight to hell. I am in hell!

horrible thing to say.

Well, I'm just a little upset.

Well, did you please leave?

Please.

enough tea, dick breath.

So,

what is up with my niece?

Oh,

well, you know, it's Sybil.

You see, she wants to go on dating these unruly boys, and the king is strongly

opposed.

Well, you know, young girls often do date wild boys and then settle down with

someone respected.

Isn't that so, my goddess?

Possessor of all the world's beauty.

Just shut the fuck up, okay?

You know, Eliza, I thought maybe you could talk to Sybil.

I probably shouldn't interfere in a matter like this.

The king is much more prudish than I.

And I'd really hate to see her get hooked up with that awful Desmond.

Desmond?

You mean that wealthy son of that wealthy knight, Lord Jarvis?

Yes.

You know, I am her auntie.

I would hate for that poor girl to be led astray.

Now don't you go and try and get that Desmond for yourself, my goddess.

Or to your house.

I was just kidding.

We always did like that. That's because we love each other so much.

Really, we do.

Really, we are.

Really. Oh, that's enough tea, Heathcliff. Thank you.

Now quickly, take this to Desmond of Presley.

We'll hurry up.

Arlene's favorite needs. Andy, did you bring me anything?

Oh, I sure did. Just a trifle. Wow.

Wow.

So, I understand that you're trying to make time with a certain someone.

The Kingy Terrace won't let you.

Yes. His name is Desmond of Presley.

He's so fine.

He has a fantastic Steve.

Not to mention a nice horse.

Starts a woman with quivering.

I sent word for him to meet me in my room tonight.

Tonight, you say?

Is that so awful, my auntie?

Of course not, my niece.

One must always experience all the food on life's banquet before settling down

for the harsh scroll of marriage like I did.

But does that mean that I don't love my father?

I mean, because I need so much dick.

I need dick all the time.

Are you kidding?

In fact, I've got some love potion in here.

All the way from the ductum of the week.

Wow.

Here we go.

Cool. Do you have any wine or anything to put this in?

Oh, well, here we go.

Thank you.

Go.

Now you drink this up, and by the time your lover arrives tonight, your loins

will be afire, and only his hose will be able to douse the flames.

Wow,

cool.

Now listen, you have a really good time.

Give me a good report, okay? You got it.

Every single eye is my king.

Ah, yes, yes.

I must fire that little barber. He's not very good.

Listen, you must do something for me. I have forbidden Sybil to see that young

knave Desmond.

But she'll find a way. Keep an eye on her.

Let me know.

Yes, my king.

So, Sybil, it's time for your enlightenment.

Later that night, It's a double dose of sleeping potion.

Took a perfect on the sip.

Yabba.

My princess.

I'm here.

I got you now.

Sybil?

Sybil?

And who are you?

I think you feel great.

I should have known this was your game.

Gold digging.

What are you doing in the princess's private chambers?

Get out.

Are you forgetting something?

Oh, yes.

Get out, your highness.

I thought this was going to be a one -on -one.

After all, I was the one who gave Sybil the sleeping potion.

I guess she's going to be out for a while then.

Are we going to do it?

La, la, la, la, la.

Duh duh duh!

Thank you.

Cold. Oh,

I'm hot.

I'm hot.

Cold.

He's the king, for Christ's sake. Don't you love the king?

Of course I do.

And that's exactly why I did it.

You see, Lord Jarvis seems to have some recordings of himself having sex with

our daughter, Sybil.

And he was going to play them for the king unless I... unless I made love to

him. That scum.

That bag of scum.

Scumbag.

And I fear that he's going to blackmail me further.

I shall look into this matter.

And I think he will be forgiven.

Thank you, Father.

Little seven for the family.

No.

Oh, snake eyes, you lose.

So?

Off with the clothes.

Let's go, dummy. Let's go.

Patience.

Ah, hello, Lord Jarvis.

Aren't these flowers lovely when they're in bloom?

How does a funny man get laid in this picture? Jeez.

Oh, my, what a lovely bunch.

You must have been out all morning picking these.

Listen, uh, Patience, I've got to tell you, I've often dreamed of my son

going out with your lovely sister Sybil and your beautiful self going out with

my other son Fauntleroy. Doesn't that sound like merry fun?

Yes, it does.

But I'm afraid the king would never, ever allow it. And besides, Sybil's

grounded.

What the king doesn't know won't hurt him.

I could never be sneaky with my father.

Well, Patience, perhaps I have something that could coerce you to change your

mind.

I have proof of a certain knight enjoying the charms of your mother.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, excuse me.

Allow me to introduce you to my very good friend, Leonardo da Vinci.

The famous painter.

Yes. But you see, Leonardo has fallen on hard times and had to take out part

-time work as a detective to make ends meet.

Well, it just so happens he was there to witness the debauchery and came away

with these exquisite paintings.

Leonardo, if you please.

Enough.

Great talent.

Oh, patience.

Patience, wait.

Now, you understand, a man of my high principles would certainly hate to see

these exquisite paintings fall into the hands of your father.

I get the picture, Lord Jarvis. I may be sweet and virginal, but I know evil

blackmail. Now, I'm just a dad who wants the best for his sons, that's all.

How can I arrange this?

I don't know, but...

I'm sure you'll think of something.

I just don't get it. I mean, why do we have to dress up just to go to the Royal

Library? It will come to you later.

Just be happy you're out of the palace.

You are right about that.

Now, Father Certainly wasn't agreeable this morning.

He thinks I'm going to bring him culture.

He won't regret this.

Do you always dress like this just to go to the library?

I mean... Let's hear it, honey.

This isn't the way to the library.

No kidding.

Stop here.

This is simple.

Isn't it?

Hi, Billy.

Butler Roy.

Patience. What an interesting turn of events.

But, uh, what about the driver?

Shut up and enjoy yourself.

Oh, God.

My Lord King Biftington, it is I, Lyle, not the penny.

Are you alone?

Yes, I am.

Then enter.

Holy Jesus H.

Christ.

Is it that bad?

No, no, not really. I overreacted.

Holy motherfucker shit. Listen, Lyle, the reason I asked you here is you're

only one I can trust anymore.

I've lost the love to my wife and daughters.

You see, this emotional distress that I'm having has reactivated my beast

Oh, God, what an awful, horrible... It's not that bad, really.

Yes, it is.

My liege, I happen to know...

That your wife and daughters love you with true devotion.

Bull and shit.

I say de -tit all three of them. Take all six wolves and stick them on pipes

parade them through town. Yes, boil their nipples for breakfast.

And I... Shut up!

Carried away.

That guy had too much sugar, King.

Alas. He's right.

We must... Please, my lord.

You are tossing away true love.

I promise you...

If you just give me one chance, I can prove this to you.

Just one chance.

All right, but make it good.

By the way, the Pope popped in.

Well, fuck the Pope.

It's the Canadian Queen, herrera.

Oh, your Highness.

Oh,

Pope.

Sorry, Mr. Price, you got my name?

There's no problem before God, please.

Here's the letter.

Since your sister came by last month, I decided to return the paper.

The next time you come before I tell you, I will stick your balls in your

Oh, Pope, hello.

Good to see you again, Duchess.

You know there are other parts of your home that I'd love to get.

You've covered most of them, my sweet.

Holy Father!

Far out!

Wow! You're potent if you remember my daughter.

Now where's that queen of yours?

My queen beauty is speechless.

She doesn't know where the king is.

Turn me into a problem adult.

And he gives apologies for his absence. He will be with us shortly.

I came all the way from Rome.

He'll groan in hell for this.

Ah, your holiness. You see, the king was called away for a very important

crusade. In your name, he's kicking ass. You'll be back very shortly.

Is there a lot of looting and pillaging going on?

Plenty.

Well, okay then. You all enjoy yourselves. May I see the sons of Lord

He's up in my quarters.

Boys.

Thank you, Your Holiness.

Thank you very much.

Your Holiness?

Hey.

You meant more to me than life itself.

You loved me unconditionally. I was nothing but an ugly brute, like I am

You don't know how deep my love is for you.

You're my love, Reno.

Really sucks, Dad.

My Lord King Bickington, I will surely provide proof that it was none other

Lord Garth and his two sons that plotted to compromise their love through

blackmail. Yeah, right.

Proof. Might just have to have done a little investigating.

Well, no.

you didn't read.

Lord God, you blackmailed my wife and daughter into having illicit sex.

How dare you?

We really hated it, Dad.

But we did it for you.

Enough, enough.

I tell you to be my king.

In order to protect you from the terrible hurt, your wife and daughter

to perform horrible sex.

What a fool

I was to have such little faith.

Once again, well -caught result.

The beauty and the beast.

One happy family.