Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

(BOOMING VOICE) Thomas Allman.

Thomas Allman, you have been found unworthy of having existed.

Is that you, mother?

Your life and all memory of you will be wiped from history.

The void you occupied in the space-time continuum

will be allocated to a person who was never given the gift of life.

May they spend their time more wisely.

(WHOOSH)

No, please. Why me? There must be others who've lived worthless lives.

All will be judged.

It is complete. All that remains is to delete your physical form.

Sorry to disturb you, sir. Reality control.

Coffee, sir. Double caffeinated, quadruple sugar.

- Nice one. - Ah, Virgil's "Aeneid".

Oh, the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen of Troy,

the most classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put quill to parchment.

- Yeah, it's the comic book version. - Oh, really?

It's good, man. Absolutely full of history.

"Zap! Pow! Ker-splat! Die in bed, you Trojan pig-dog! Gnargh! Ker-pow!"

I see they've remained faithful to the original text.

I'm sure Virgil would have approved.

Kryten, don't discourage him. It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps.

I dunno though. This Wooden Horse of Troy malarkey, I'm not buyin' that.

It's one of the most famous military manoeuvres in history.

I mean, The Greeks have been camped outside Troy,

ker-powing, zapping and ker-splatting the Trojans for the best part of a decade, yeah?

So?

So all of a sudden they wake up one morning, and the Greeks have gone.

And there outside the city walls, they've left this gift,

this tribute to their valiant foes, a huge wooden horse,

just large enough to happily contain 500 Greeks in full battle dress

and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities?

Are you telling me that not one Trojan goes, "Hang on a minute, isn't that a bit of a funny pressie?"

What's wrong with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave?

No they don't, they just wheel it in and all decide to go for an early night.

People that stupid deserve to be ker-powed, zapped and ker-splatted in their beds.

You know what the big joke is?

From this particular phase in history, we derive the phrase: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts",

when it would be more logical to derive the phrase: "Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads."

Well, thank you, AJP Taylor.

- (THUD) - What was that?

- That's strange. We've changed course. - Are you sure, Holly?

There's no course change programmed.

(THUD) And again.

(ALARM SOUNDS) Mark one eight zero, that's a complete turn.

- We're heading back to Red Dwarf. - Give me manual, Hol.

- Agh! - We're locked out!

This is not a malfunction, there is something's controlling the craft.

Holly, any traffic around?

- Nothing on the local scan. - This is impossible, there must be...

(BOOMING VOICE) I am in possession of the human known as Lister. Do not attempt to resist me.

What happened to him? His voice finally break?

- Who are you? - Tremble at my name, for I am the Inquisitor.

- The Inquisitor? - Your vessel is under my control.

it will return you to your mothership where you will face judgement.

You will each present a case to justify your existence.

If you fail, you will be deleted.

Are you OK, sir?

Yeah. God, I think so. A little bit shaky.

I think we should run you through the medi-scan though, just as a precaution.

Yeah, OK.

So, Kryten, you've heard of this Inquisitor?

Only as a myth, a dark fable, a horror tale,

told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire

wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products

and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror.

A simple "yes" would have sufficed.

- So who is he? - Yeah, what's his beef?

Well, the legend tells of a droid, a self-repairing simulant,

who survives till the end of eternity, to the end of time itself.

After millions of years alone, he finally reaches the conclusion that there is no God,

no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life.

And so the droid constructs a time machine

and roams eternity, visiting every single soul in history and assessing each one.

He erases those who wasted their lives

and replaces them with those that never had a chance of life, the unfertilised eggs,

the sperms that never made it.

That is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels,

expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless.

We're in big trouble.

Wait a minute, who's to say what's worthless?

Oh, please! Look in the mirror. Read your entry in "Who's Nobody".

No, I mean it. Whose to judge? Who's to say what's worthwhile?

Well, let's face it Listy, Lying on your bunk reading "What Bike"

and eating Sugar Puff sandwiches for eight hours every day is unlikely to qualify.

So because I haven't written any symphonies or painted the Sistine Chapel, that makes me prunable?

No, being a totally worthless, unwashed space bum, that's what makes you prunable.

Precisely. The criterion is not fame, it is simply to have lived a worthwhile life.

Why did no one mention this before?

If I'd been told about this at the start that the object was to lead a worthwhile life,

I could have done something about it.

All those charity telethons when I used to ring in and pledge donations,

If I'd have known all this, I would have given them MY credit card number.

Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life...

- Oh, God. - ...make a contribution...

- Oh, God. - ...no matter how small.

You simply have to have lead a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving.

You're doing this on purpose aren't you?

- Well, I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir - Well, shut up, then!

Hang on a minute. Why should we take any notice of some half-crazed rogue robot

who's appointed himself judge and jury to the whole of humanity?

Why should we kowtow to his judgement?

Because I have the power to snap your body in two like a dry reed!

Good answer, man. Good answer!

- So where is he? - See me now and tremble!

The inquisition begins. Prove to me you are worthy of the honour of life

or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity.

I hate these "either/or" questions.

Who is to be first?

Lister!

The hologram. You shall be first.

(SQUEAKS) Pardon? Sorry.

You have been granted the greatest gift of all - the gift of life.

Tell me, what you have done to deserve this superlative good fortune?

Well, I say this with the highest respect,

but what gives you the right to ask -

no, actually, demand - that answer of me, Your Magnificence?

All must answer to the Inquisitor!

How do I know I'll get a fair hearing?

Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall be...

(CHEERILY) ...yourself!

- Oh, smeg. - "Oh, smeg" indeed, matey.

Everyone is judged by their own self?

It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.

Now, then. Justify yourself.

Well, first I...

- Liar. - I've done good things.

- No, you haven't. - In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.

- No, you didn't. - Look, in my way, I've tried to lead a good life.

When?

Ah! What's that in the corner? It's the Archangel Gabriel!

Well, that's me converted, I'm a new man, Hallelujah!

You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man, aren't you?

Well... sort of, yes.

So, then, justify yourself.

What else could I have been?

My father was a half-crazed military failure, my mother was a bitch-queen from hell..

My brothers had all the looks and talent. And what did I have?

Unmanageable hair and ingrowing toenails.

Yes, I admit I'm nothing.

But from what I started with, nothing is up.

Hi, buddy.

This is your judgement day, bud. I gotta be cruel. There can't be no favours.

I'm hearing you on FM.

I have to ask you the question - justify your existence.

What contribution have you made?

I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.

- Well, that's true. - Can I go now?

- That's your case? - You need more?!

Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.

Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy.

But a shallow guy with a great ass.

- Sometimes you astonish even me. - Thank you.

Well, Kryten, justify yourself.

I'm not sure I can.

But, surely your life is replete with good works.

There can be few individuals who have lived a more selfless life.

But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good works I do come not out of fine motives,

but as a result of a series of binary commands I am compelled to obey.

well, then, how can any mechanical justify himself?

Perhaps only if he attempted to break his programming

and conduct his life according to a set of values he arrived at independently.

Your argument invites deletion.

- The rules are yours, not mine. - Do you wish to be erased?

Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything. I serve.

In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn.

But I am not human, and neither are you.

And it is not our place to judge them.

I wonder why you do?

(BOOMING VOICE) Enough.

Well... get out of this one, smeghead.

What you talkin' about?

You know what you could've made of your life it you tried - what you could've become.

- So? - You've got brains, man. Brains you've never used.

- So? - So justify yourself.

Spin on it!

The inquisition is over.

I have reached my verdict.

Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have been.

You have lived without merit, and so not lived at all

(WHOOSH)

- You scum! You've wiped them out! - Sir...

He's crazy, Kryten. He's erased the Cat and Rimmer.

- They are quite safe. - Sir...

I'm afraid it is we are to be erased.

Ah.

The Cat has lead a more worthwhile life than either of us?

He is a shallow and selfish creature, as is the hologram.

By their own low standards, they have acquitted themselves.

Whereas you and the mechanoid could have been so much more.

(WHOOSH)

- What's this? - Best guess, we are being surgically removed from time.

Every memory of us, every action we ever performed is being dissolved. Our lives are being undone.

It is complete. The time-lines are knitted. Causality is healed.

All that remains is to remove your physical forms from existence.

Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten,

now's the time to mention it.

No plan, sir.

No sleeves.

- (WHOOSH) - Perfect. Ah, now, what did I do next?

(BUZZING)

(INQUISITOR WAILS)

Now, hurry! Take the gauntlet and go!

- What the smeg is goin' on? - I don't have time to explain.

I've come from the future to rescue you. Now you must go, hurry!

What about me... I mean you... I mean us?

- I'm afraid we get killed. - Killed? How?

While I'm standing here explaining this to you the Inquisitor jumps me from behind like this...

You can't save me. Before you reach the final confrontation in the storage bay,

you must have decoded the gauntlet's controls.

- How? Can you give us a clue? - I cannot explain.

For some bizarre reason, my final words are "enig".

- "Enig"? - Yes. Enig...

- Come on, sir we have to go. - He's just killed you, Kryten!

Sir, we have to go!

- (BLEEP) - You are not registered as personnel of this vessel.

- Please state your name and clearance code. - It's us, Hol!

- Please state your name and clearance code. - Lister, D, 000-169.

I have no record of your palm print. Intruder alert!

- Initiating override. - Please state your name and clearance code.

Logon name, Kryten. Registration code, Additional 001.

I have no record of your CPU ident.

- (SIREN SOUNDS) - We don't exist any more.

- (YELLS) - Tear gas!

(WAILS)

Oh, thank God it's you guys.

- Move so much as an eyebrow, boy, and you're dog meat. - What, it's us!

- Who are you people, what do you want? - Rimmer, it's me.

- How do you know my name? - Don't fall for that one, bud. He read it on your uniform.

Sir, they've never met us before. We are limbo people between realities.

They have no memory of us.

So, I'm going to ask you one more time. What do you want?

Yo, we're not the enemy. There's a guy round here somewhere, wandering around obliterating people from history.

- We used to be your shipmates. - Only we've forgotten you (!)

Yeah.

Well, I don't know about you but I'm convinced {!)

- Rimmer, I know you. - Well, if you do know me,

you'll know I'm a kind of rough-and-tumble, hardened astro ex-marine type guy you do not trifle with.

No, you're not!

- For the last time of asking- - Fiona Barrington.

Fifteen years of age. You got off with her in your Dad's greenhouse.

You thought you got lucky but it turned out all the time that you had your hand in warm compost.

- How could I know that, and not know you? - Not true.

You got three brothers, John, Howard and Frank. You're really mean with money.

You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on a Samaritans switchboard,

and four people committed suicide.

Your middle name's Judas, but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan.

You sign all your official letters 'A. J. Rimmer, BSc'.

and BSc stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate.

You're a cheating, weaselly, lowlife scumbucket

with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.

You gotta admit, bud. He's got a handle on you there.

Sirs, you've got to help us. The Inquisitor will stop at nothing to obliterate us.

Who the smeg are these guys, Rimmer?

Never mind 'Who the smeg are these guys'... Who the smeg are you?

I, the smeg, am Lister.

Of course. He's the alternative you. One of the many David Listers who never got a chance to exist.

So we're kind of... sperms-in-law?

- Yes, sir. - Delicately put, sir.

- So what do we do with them? - I say, waste them.

(LISTERS) Rimmer, for smeg's sake!

- He's such a dork, man. - You're tellin' me?

Look, they've come here with some cock-and-bull story,

they're chained together like Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis.

I say open the door to oblivion and kick 'em through.

- Rimmer, no one's killing no one, alright? - Yeah, right.

Look, they've come from some freaky alternative dimension, they've come to hijack this ship

and do... ooh, weird things to us.

I think we should take the lift, put them on the Security Deck and stick them in the brig.

I hate to say it, but for once TransAm wheel arch nostrils is right.

- Get moving. - What did you call me?

- Look, man, you know the score. - Why do I know the score?

Because you're me. We're shot from the same gun barrel.

Only difference is, one did breast stroke, one did crawl.

What are you trying to say?

- I'm saying... - (CRASH)

That's him, guys!

This way!

- Come on! Let's go! - Let's go back! Let's go back!

Oh, my God! Hang on a minute. I can use this. Come on! Go!

If we got down to the transport decks, maybe we could nick one of the Starbugs, and get outta town.

Uh-oh. A door. We'd better use an air vent.

- No need. - Sir?

Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross

and I don't want you to look. Turn around.

- What? - Trust me, you don't wanna know.

(BLEEPS AND HUMS)

Logically, sir, there is only one way you could possibly have opened that door.

I feel quite nauseous.

- Where is it? - Where's what?

Oh, sir, you've got it in your jacket!

- I got us out of a hole, didn't I? - Oh, sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person.

- How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea? - Shut up or I'll beat you to death with the wet end!

Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be onto my fifth bag by now.

- You're a sick person! Sick! Sick! - Come on Kryten. Let's go! Come on!

What's the point? Why am I trying to get out of this? We already know we fail.

Not so, sir. All we know is that I die.

Now, if my small gambit ultimately results in your safety, then it will be a move well made.

For myself, death holds no fear.

- Oh, yeah? - Sir, I am programmed to relinquish my life.

That's why the Mechanoid 4000 Series was voted "Android of the Year" five years running.

I have as much interest in saving my own life as a chronically depressed lemming.

- That's not true, is it? - Sir?

Not any more.

And it's all because of me. It's my fault. Because I made you break your programming.

I taught you how to lie, how to make your own decisions.

I made you more... more human.

I gave you a life to lose.

Sir, with the greatest respect, that is complete and utter shash.

Kryten, I know when you're lying. Your right foot jiggles.

- It's involuntary. - Nonsense.

I'm not afraid to die.

For me, death holds no fear.

I believe in Silicon Heaven.

I believe in an afterlife for androids!

- Haven't you gotten through those damn manacles, yet?! - KRYTEN!

- I'm not going to let it happen, man. - Cause and effect, sir. It already HAS happened.

There's nothing we can do except to try and save your life.

OK. Now, I think this is a variant of the Enigma decoding system.

- Enigma. "Enig" - Enigma. - "Enig". Of course.

My last words.

Well, anyway, if this thing works, it should age those manacles by half a million years.

- And if it doesn't work? - It'll wipe out the universe.

- Phew! - What now?

Well, now WE have the power.

(CLUNK)

OK, we don't know who you are,

but we've seen enough of the other dudes to know that we wanna be on your side.

He killed our two crew mates in cold blood. He's a monster.

- I'm the Cat, this is Rimmer. - Yeah. Lister. Kryten.

Look, I want to make it clear. I'm not exactly in love with the idea of pitching in with you two,

but needs must as the devil drives.

You really don't remember me, do you? How everything I used to do used to get on your pecs.

Like I'd just be trimming me toenails with your electric meat carver or something, and you'd go absolutely spare.

Sir, we really must get down to the storage bay.

Now, remember my message to us. That is where we meet the Inquisitor for the final confrontation.

That's your plan? We go out there and face him?

Nice plan (!) Shall I paint a bull's-eye on my face?

Listen, Kryten. I've been thinking about this. I've come up with something.

- Yes, sir? - I'm gonna use my brains for the first time in my life.

Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that's wise?

- Give me the time gauntlet. - But you don't know how to use it, sir.

- You'll have to shout instructions, won't you? - Wouldn't it be simpler if I wore it?

- You can't wear it, Kryten. - Why not?

You're programmed not to kill.

So, the mortals seek to challenge my mastery.

(SWOOSH)

Kryten, I don't know how to work this thing.

Gamma, delta, one, four, five.

- Smeg. You youthed me. - The sport begins.

(SWOOSH)

Now what the smeg have you done?

Excuse me. Could I just distract you for a brief second?

Huh?

(SWOOSH)

"Excuse me. Could I possibly just distract you for just a brief second"?!

It was the best I could ad-lib at the time, sir.

- He got the Cat and Rimmer, though. - I know.

Look, sir. I've got to go back in time and sacrifice myself

in order that we can get into this mess we're in now in the first place.

Yeah, sure.

All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer hasn't it, sir.

- How long before he unfreezes? Ten minutes? - No. 8.4,

- We'd better be right, Kryten. - I know. Gauntlets.

Now, what do I say when I pop up behind the Inquisitor?

Er, "Perfect. Ah, now, what did I do-"

That's it. Yeah, that's it. I know. I've got it. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. I've got it. I've got it.

OK, big fella. It's dangling time.

- Welcome back on-line. - What are you doing?

One way or the other, you killed a lot of my friends this afternoon.

In fact, you may never get on my good side again.

- Oops. - So now you're going to kill me?

I don't think so. You're a fat little human who doesn't have the balls.

Dumb talk for a guy who's dangling over a chasm.

I've seen inside your heart. You don't have it in you.

Oh, yeah?

Bet your life?

- I never intended to kill you. - Oh, no?

No. I intended to save your life.

Save my life? Why?

'Cause if I save your life, and you erase me,

I won't be there to save your life, and you'll die.

Chew on that, pal.

Giving me my gauntlet back?

Well, I'm all right. You can't touch me.

You might've killed the others, but I'm OK.

Oh, just one thing.

If I erase you from history, you will never have existed to threaten my life in the first place.

- That's a point. - So, in fact, I can erase you quite safely.

Yeah.

Yeah! It's the old backfiring time gauntlet trick.

You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to oblivion.

But you can't! My work! All my glorious work will be undone!

(WHOOSH)

- Oh, it worked! - It worked?

- Kryten, you're a genius. - It was your scheme, sir.

- I simply re-programmed the gauntlet. - So what happens now?

(WHOOSH)

Well, basically we wait for the time-space continuum to reorder itself.

(WHOOSH)

I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir.

Give you five? I can do better than that.

I can give you fifteen.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #