Original subtitles

(anticipatory music)

- [Ghostly Voice] Killjoy!

(lasers exploding) (epic orchestral music)

- No, no!

(alarm blaring)

Take me!

(record scratching)

- [Batty Voiceover] Hold on there, fish breath.

- [Killjoy Voiceover] I'm having a moment

here Batty, what the fuck?

- [Batty Voiceover] Are you doing dis, starin' near da end?

Start at da beginning, maggot head!

- [Killjoy Voiceover] Batty, I just wanna cut to the chase.

You know, a real dramatic moment comforting

a dying loved one.

- [Batty Voiceover] Dat ain't even me.

Just start at da beginning. Okay?

- [Killjoy Voiceover] Ugh, fine!

Way to kill the moment, fairy tits.

(ominous music)

(heavy breathing) (coughing)

- Is this thing really necessary?

- It's for your own good, sir!

- Get this freakin' thing off of me!

Get outta here! I don't need ya for this!

I can get my own self ready.

Got to do everything myself around here!

But this used to be bigger.

I didn't used to have fly-aways when I had good help!

- [Killjoy Voiceover] Ah, life.

Didn't turn out the way I expected.

Mortality sucks.

Once, I was a demon prince, top clown in Hell

with a thousand different names!

Then came along the one that got away.

- No!

- [Killjoy Voiceover] They put me on trial.

- Order!

- [Killjoy Voiceover] Me!

Well, after a daring escape--

(tires screech)

- [Batty] What? Tell da truth!

- [Killjoy Voiceover] With a little help from my posse,

I escaped from Hell!

And finally had made it to Earth.

(laughing)

Where I lorded over the quivering masses!

Yes, I was their god!

- [Crowd] Killjoy! Killjoy! Killjoy!

(slaps)

- [Batty Voiceover] Snap out of it!

(ominous music)

- [Killjoy] What do you mean red? What's red?

- You're in the red. Your accounts.

- I don't follow.

- You've got to start bringing in some money, baby.

This place is running on fumes and

I can't get you any more credit.

- Oh for fuck's sake, I'm selling, okay? I'm selling!

What's wrong with my merch?

Look, I got Killjoy t-shirts!

And can't forget Killjoy the movie!

- You made a movie?

- Hell yeah, we made a movie! We even made a sequel!

Although the guy who played me in

part two was a little too Hollywood.

But wait, wait!

I'm writing my memoirs!

And what about these Killjoy condoms? Huh?

Killjoy artisanal vodka!

Potatoes grown in vegan Brooklynites beds!

- It's empty! Killjoy, baby, we can't be seeing this shit.

And you got sponsors to think about.

Adam and Eve, Ebee's Dispensary, Bonecrusher?

- Ah, that t-shirt doesn't even look like me!

- It's not all about you.

- Ow.

How am I supposed to remember all these sponsors, huh?

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

- I don't know, get some baseball caps.

And start selling ice cream, you need cash.

- I sold some swag last week!

- I know, I used the money to pay my bill.

And you still owe me!

- Oh, you sniveling idiot, I'll crush you!

I'll crush you and crush you and crush you!

- Stop it.

- My hammer!

- You need a new image. You need to rebrand.

I mean, you got a good show, but

it's gettin' a little stale.

Not to mention the fans miss Batty Boop.

- Oh, I wouldn't mention that name!

- And start selling ice cream, baby.

- Where am I supposed to get eyes that scream?

- [Freakshow] We miss Batty.

- Oh-Ho-Ho, the mime speaks! Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap!

That's all ya do anymore! What's up with that?

I thought you were a

mime!

- I'm reinventing myself, that's my schtick!

Freakshow, the talking mime!

- That is the stupidest goddamn thing I've ever heard.

- I ain't stopping now!

- Oh, I'm so smart 'cause I went

back to school and got my degree!

Well, listen, your education

doesn't impress me, poindexter!

Yale. (spits) What a dive.

You really wanna show me you're smart?

You're gonna go find some of this

"eyes scream" shit she's talkin' about.

- Just get yourself ready for tonight's show!

We have a special guest.

- Shut up! Alright?

Look, what does the little guy gotta say about all this?

(gasps)

Where'd he go? What happened?

- I don't know! He just left!

- Damn it, I always liked him better.

- Oh, fuck off.

- Just tellin' it like it is.

And you? You, ya overstuffed shit sausage!

What do you gotta say about yourself, huh?

Oh, nothin' right? 'Cause you're useless!

(mumbling)

Punchy, I don't understand a fuckin' word ya just said.

- Be happy.

(laughs) - Be happy?

Great advice! Yeah, that's gonna solve everything, huh?

Oh, I'll just be happy! I got the IRS on my ass!

I got immigration comin' after me!

- Amigra!

- Yeah, amigra! Not to mention Homeland Security!

Donald Trump made us a talking point!

We're undocumented!

(sighs) Who else could after us now?

(fast-paced, ominous music)

- I demand to know the meaning of this.

Why am I here?

- You let Killjoy escape.

The exact same charge Killjoy is guilty of.

All because you could not stand

to be touched by a little girl.

- She was so innocent. Sweet. Virginal.

It was disgusting, completely repellent!

- Oh, shut up, that's nothing.

- Right, have you heard of Log Jamming?

- Scribe, is that you?

- I, uh, yes it is actually.

- You're my judge?

- Yeah, how 'bout that? Good, eh?

- How dare you be my judge you--

- Excuse me, I was voted in fair and square!

Besides you had me dressed in a bed sheet, you old cunt.

- Oh, this is good!

- Oh, stop it, boys. I have an appointment in five.

Let's get this wrapped up, shall we?

- Fine.

- Can I read the sentence?

- No, you can't. It's my job.

You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this.

- Come on, come on, come on!

- I said no!

- This is so annoying.

Scribe, just let the little shit do it.

- Alright! Bob, you're such a tedious twat.

If you weren't the most powerful being

in existence, I'd smite you.

(sighs) - [Woman] Get on with it, Bob.

- Okay! (clears throat)

We, the Demonic Tribunal of Three,

find the accused, the accursed, the foul Beelzebub,

guilty of lapsing in his duties as Arch Devil.

Allowing the fiend Killjoy to escape.

- This is bloody lame.

- Let him finish!

- You, Beelzebub are to be stripped of your horns.

(laser blasts) (screams)

You are demoted from Devil to mere Demon.

And your membership to Hell's Nightclub and Spa is revoked!

- I demand a chance to redeem myself!

To avenge myself!

- Well, Beelze-baby. What do you have in mind then?

- Let me bring his soul back.

Let me deliver Killjoy to you!

- Killjoy's on Earth.

You have no jurisdiction in that realm.

- Grant me a ship, a massive spaceship.

- A battleship?

- Yes and passage to outer space.

- I say yes.

- Alright.

Now, Beelze-boob, your mission?

Lure Killjoy back from Earth. Capture him in this orb.

And bring him before us!

- Why am I surrounded by idiots?

(sighs)

I'm mother fuckin' Killjoy.

- We're live in two minutes.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah we're live, we're alive.

It's show time!

(upbeat Killjoy theme music)

Welcome to Psycho Circus! (laughs)

On tonight's show, we have a very special guest!

Dr. Tein Ross, author of Koulrophobia,

Killjoy and Other Delusions.

Look at that! He spelled "coulropohbia" with a "K"!

How fuckin' clever?

So anyway, I--

What? What do you want? What?

Titty twister? Karate chop stuff?

It doesn't make any sense.

- Top 10, dumbass!

- Oh, yeah, top 10!

Why didn't you just say so, shit for brains?

Okay, uh, it's time for tonight's top 10!

(playful circus music)

Tonight's top 10 is top 10 reasons

that Batty Boop left the posse.

Alright, alright. Top 10 reasons Batty Boop left the posse!

To be read by Batty Boop. What the fuck?

What the fuck?

(cheers) (whistles)

Okay, alright, alright, whatever.

(laughs) Number 10!

- Fish breath spends more time on his hair, than I do.

(rimshot) (audience applause)

- Uh, oh god, okay. Number nine.

- Dental work. Those teeth!

- Number eight.

- When I said cream pie, I had somethin' else in mind.

(gags) - Number seven.

- The thawed asshole!

(audience applause) (laughter)

- Number six.

- Tongue fungus.

- Number five!

- Immigration status.

(rimshot)

- Four.

- Finger snaps!

- Number three.

- You let your only victim get away!

- That zeely is fast! She's got moxy or somethin'!

She's got like frickin' crazy legs and, alright,

you know what, number two.

- You fuckin' went to Shivers and Quivers

wedding without me!

- You weren't invited!

I mean, uh, oh-ho-ho, hey, whoa, that sure was fun!

(sighs)

And the number one reason why Batty Boop

is no longer in the clown posse.

(drum roll)

- Fish breath!

- Fish breath?

(audience applause (cheers)

- What was that? Who wrote this shit, huh?

This is awful! I'm surrounded by morons!

Just go on with this shit.

(upbeat Killjoy theme song)

Who was that bitch? Batty Boop? More like Batty Poop.

(audience laughter) Anyway on with the show!

Tonight's special guest is Dr. Tein Ross!

- Thank you, thank you! So great to be here.

- Yeah, it's great to have you on the show.

- Oh, thank you for having me.

- You're welcome.

Now, you have not seen the show before, have you?

- No, I have to admit, I haven't seen it.

(audience boos) But I am happy to be here!

- So you're here to promote your book.

Here, are you gettin' this, Toady? You got it? Good.

Koulrophobia, Killjoy and Other Delusions.

- Yes.

- Yes and in this book, you claim, among other things

that Killjoy is a "pernicious figment of imagination".

- A kind of mass hysteria!

- Dude, I'm right here.

- What originally manifest in one patient,

quickly spread like a virus.

Infecting anyone who came in contact with Patient Zero.

A young, co-ed from Miscatonic University.

- The one that got away.

- She escaped, killing a police detective,

a security guard and injuring another.

- Hey! Don't give her credit for

our kills, ya fuckin' moron!

I'm Killjoy!

(audience laughter)

- The girl may have embellished on this urban legend,

but I'm the one who officially named the syndrome.

Killjoy Disease, an irrational belief in an evil clown

with symptoms of chronic laughter and insomnia.

- Alright, alright, hold on a second, Doc.

Pump the brakes, okay? 'Cause you know what?

Oh! It looks like our time is up!

- But I was just getting to the good stuff.

- Oh, we're gettin' to the good stuff alright.

(claps)

- Whoa, cool.

- No, not cool.

As a matter of fact, it's gonna get really hot.

- Well, I'm just, I'm just happy to be on the show.

These restraints are really tight.

They're kinda turning me on a little!

- Yeah, Batty, uh, turn us on!

- Sure, thing, fish head.

- You're kidding?

- We're gonna do a little shock therapy, Doc!

- Wait, wait, wait! This won't work!

You need an electrolyte if you're gonna shock somebody!

Like salt water. I am not ready!

- Doc, you're sweating!

- No, no!

(electricity zapping)

(audience applause)

- That was the shocking conclusion to yet another

episode of Killjoy's Psycho Circus!

Join us next week, when our guest (laughs)

will be actor, writer, philanthropist, Trent--

(gagging)

How to do you pronounce that name?

What, no? Okay, you know what?

Now a word from our sponsors!

(upbeat Killjoy theme)

- If you're looking for weed, grass,

kush, pooch, stems, chemicals?

Go to one of our lousy competitors.

Don't be drab and dreary!

Visit Ebee's Magical Weed Dispensary and get cheery!

- It's the happiest shit!

- [Doctor] Credit cards and trades, strictly unacceptable.

We give you--

- Well that show was another disaster.

- Hi, fish head!

- It's "fish breath"! And who the fuck are you?

- I'm Batty Boop! Don't you recognize me?

- Who the fuck is this?

- Her name is Louanne.

- I'm Batty Poop! Poop, poop, poop, poop!

- We hired her this morning. You need a female co-host.

Batty is perfect!

- This ain't Batty, alright?

This freakshow, pardon the expression,

has turned into a real train wreck!

- Train wreck?

- Yeah, train wreck, look I appreciate your, uh,

demented personality, okay?

But you're not Batty.

The real Batty had teeth. Everywhere.

And I mean everywhere!

- She's the only thing we've got!

You need a co-host. 'Cause sexy ain't you!

- Hey, I'm damn sexy! I resent that statement!

And you were weak, timid and lame.

- But I can be crazy!

- Stop trying to be Batty!

- Ah, but I am Batty!

- Batshit crazy maybe! But you are not her!

(alarm rings)

(thuds)

- I quit as soon as I get paid!

- Killjoy?

- Yes, my corporate overlord?

- You kinky little fuckin' smurf.

I know what you're up to over there.

I'm a fan of the show, dude.

That wasn't Batty Boop!

That was some other crazy bitch. Louanne?

- Louanne? Who is this Louanne of which you speak?

- Don't piss in my ear and tell

me that it's rainin', stupid.

As you're main supporting sponsor,

I expect you to treat me with a

little more fuckin' respect, bro.

How dare you!

We have some stipulations to our business agreement.

No huffing, snorting or butt fucking.

And you're doin' all three to me right now!

God damn it!

- Man, you're a real drag.

- I'm over here, wantin' to get higher than Jesus

and you're pissin' me off!

Now you listen to me, you little fuck.

I want you to get rid of that crazy bitch

and find the other crazy bitch!

- You mean Batty?

- Did I stutter, mother fucker? Get to it!

- Ow.

How the hell am I gonna find Batty?

I want off this planet.

(spaceship roars)

- There you are, Batty Boop. I always liked her.

She knows where her priorities are. Next!

Next is Punchy the Hobo Clown.

He was invoked by the demon Behemoth.

He's clearly the muscle.

He was once an obedient servant and then rebelled

and is now the head of the Evil Clown Union.

- What has he done on Earth?

- Since surfacing, he's had a few jobs.

He's an occasional professional wrestler.

He still meets with the Communist Party and

occasionally partakes in parkour.

- Parkour?

- He's not very good at it.

Next is Freakshow the Mime. He was invoked by Gemini.

They were conjoined twins, attached

by a long umbilical cord.

- Were conjoined twins?

- Freakshow was originally a host to a smaller brother,

but he was destroyed by a handful of salt.

He then rebuilt a bionic brother, but he has gone missing.

Since then, he's gone back to school and

received a very rare scholarship to Yale.

- I see. And our target?

- Killjoy.

For centuries he longed to live amongst

the humans and after only a couple short visits to Earth,

he wanted to make the move there permanently.

- After he got away from me, stole my inner dimensional

elevator and blasted himself to the surface.

- What did he do with that elevator?

Oh, it was quite an amazing machine.

- Beats me. Continue, Jezebel.

- Well, since surfacing, Killjoy has has spotty luck.

But he recently settled on a late night

variety show he calls Psycho Circus.

- [Beelzebub] How will I get him up here?

- Why don't we send our demon minions down to get him?

- Because he's too strong.

And he still has Freakshow and Punchy.

Punchy's the dangerous one.

- We're in the most powerful spaceship in the universe.

Let's start blowing shit up! First, Paris.

- That's a good idea, my busty underling.

Only we will have to do more than destroy the world.

We have to take Killjoy off his game.

Make him unbalanced.

- Unbalanced?

I have an idea.

- [Beelzebub] Hmm, do you think it will work?

- Don't underestimate the power of jealousy.

I bet she hasn't seen her impostor yet.

(typing) (Killjoy humming)

- Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah!

Hmmm. (chuckles)

Yeah.

You know what?

Oh yeah, just do this, let's do it, come on.

Oh! Oh yeah!

(Killjoy moaning)

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(Killjoy moaning)

- We're on in 10 minutes!

(record scratching)

(glass shatters)

- Can't you knock before you barge in on somebody

who is obviously look at

dimware!

- Psycho Circus is waitin', we have Trent Haaga on tonight.

- Oh, that mother fucker.

(upbeat Killjoy theme)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Welcome to the Psycho Circus.

Listen, we got a great show for you people tonight.

Yeah, later on, Batty Boop here is gonna juggle a ball!

You know, normally she can juggle more than one

but not with her hands if you know what I'm sayin'!

(laughs)

Yeah, real quick on the uptake, that one.

You know what? Screw the top 10.

We're just gonna go straight to the interview.

Welcome, Trent Haaga!

(applause)

Yes, yes, yes!

- Hey, how's it goin', man?

- Not too bad. How's it goin' with you?

- It's all good, it's all good, can't complain.

Cannot complain at all.

- Great, okay, so, uh, I have a question.

- Alright, ask away!

- I will, I will, just give me a second.

- Ask your question, don't be shy.

- I'm not shy, mother fucker!

I'm tryin' to ask the question!

Quit interrupting me!

- Just ask the question, puss.

- Okay, alright, I will.

So how in the fuck do you pronounce your name?

Do you pronounce both the A's separately?

I mean is it "Ha-a-ga"? Or "Haa (coughs up phlegm)

I don't know! I don't know!

So it's fuckin' killin' me in the dressing room!

- Is that the best you got, huh?

Fuck you, that's how you pronounce my name!

How do you like that?

(laughing)

- I don't like it at all, as a matter of fact.

So let's talk about your movies.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't

actually play Killjoy in the first Killjoy movie, did you?

- No, that was, uh, Angel Vargas.

- Yeah, I know, he did such a wonderful job.

- Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

- I'm serious, I thought he nailed it!

- He doesn't even look like you!

- He got the essence right. The soul of Killjoy!

- (laughs) Soul? You got no soul!

You're nothin' but a sad patchwork of whiny fart jokes!

- I can't argue that, but, uh, I couldn't

have played Killjoy better myself.

- I could play you better than you!

- Bullshit!

- Bullshit? Bullshit, look, look at what you're doin'!

Look at what you're doin'.

- What? What am I doin'?

- I don't know, what am I doing?

- What? - What?

- Man, you're such a douche.

- Man, you're such a douche.

- Look, all you're doin' now is copying me!

- You're just copying me!

- And doin' a crappy job of it too.

- Well, yeah, that was the acting part.

- What, so, crappy acting is part of being Killjoy?

- Yeah, that's my take on it.

And that's how I get to the soul of Killjoy.

- [Audience] Ah!

- Thank you, thank you. Look, you're easy!

As a matter of fact, everything you're doin' right now?

I could do it! I could do it better than you!

- Not everything!

- [Audience] Oh!

- Oh, great, it's the old pie tin to the face gag! Yeah!

Comical, but a little lame.

Give me that!

- Give those back!

- No, no, I got this, I got this.

Alright, hey, hey, check it out, everybody.

It's Killjoy, killing Trent Haaga!

(head splatter)

(Killjoy laughs) (audience cheers)

- He's right! That is exactly how I would've done it!

I'm having a bit of an existential moment here.

Bravo! Bravo! (laughs)

- [Killjoy Voiceover] And now, a word from our sponsor!

- [Female Announcer] Why pick one?

When you can have it all?

At adamandeve.com, over 18,000 adult entertainment products.

Massage oils,

lingerie,

or even something a little more adventurous.

Get 50 percent off almost any item.

- I've never met anyone like you!

- Oh, I hope not!

I hate sloppy seconds!

- Wow, you're an animal.

- You can say dat.

Mmmm.

You look scrumptious!

- I think I have to confess to something.

- What's dat?

- I debug code for a medical software company.

My pimp avatar's just my online profile.

And when I said I was a player,

I meant a video game player.

- Oh yeah? That's great.

Good for you.

(upbeat Killjoy theme)

What da hell is dat?

- Oh, it's Psycho Circus. Great show!

Killjoy is awesome!

- You watch dat shit?

- Yeah! And he's got some crazy sidekicks.

There's Punchy, Freakshow and smokin' hot Batty Boop.

(Killjoy theme)

- Dat's not Batty Boop!

- Sure it is!

Oh, man, she's sexy!

I'd give my left nut just to tap that piece of ass!

- You're gonna give more den dat!

- What? Do you know her?

- I am her, dumbshit!

(choking)

(blood gurgling) (bones crunching)

(ominous music)

(spaceship rumbles)

- Captain, we're closing in on Earth.

- I know that! Can't you give me some useful information?

What else could we have been doing all this time

but getting closer to Earth?

- Orbiting Uranus.

- What?

- Nothing.

- What did you say?

- Nothing!

- Has Batty Boop seen this show yet?

- Sure she has. And she's pissed.

- Then we have to get her to Killjoy.

Send her the magic mirror.

(computer beeps)

- Dat two timin', pansy pickin', donkey fuckin',

toilet sittin', nail clippin', dish washin', gin kickin'.

What the fa-yesus?

Magic mirror? Hmm.

Looks like a trap.

I ain't goin' near dat thing.

(gasps)

Oh! No! No fuckin' way!

(mirrors hums)

(snoring)

- No, you're not, I'm mother fucking Killjoy.

I'm Killjoy! I'm guilty as hell!

(electricity zaps)

(electricity zaps)

Ah! What the fuck? Where am I? What happened?

Where are my, what happened? What?

Where is everybody?

What the hell happened?

- We wrapped another show.

- Really? Was I there? 'Cause I don't remember shit.

Handy! Now where is that stupid clown? Handy!

- Here, boss!

- Ah, god, cut that out!

I told you when I hired you, no more teleporting, okay?

You're not a demonic clown anymore, you gotta try to fit in!

- But I was just standing behind you!

- Cut it out!

I asked you to get me off of this planet.

What have you been doin' about it?

- I've been building a spaceship.

Out of that rocket engine from

the interdimensional elevator!

- Yeah?

- Want me to show ya?

- Okay!

- Feast ya eyes on this!

(computer beeps)

- Oh, wow! How do I get in?

- Why you push the big red button and it's

gonna transport the rumpus room into the rocket ship.

- You know what, Handy?

I gotta hand it to ya, this is pretty awesome!

Now I can finally get off this rock.

Could this have some weapons?

Like, you know, some lasers and shit?

- You want guns, boss? I know just the guys for you!

(laughs) - Excellent.

- This place is, like, so disgusting.

Everybody's breath is really bad.

(sighs) A mirror!

Thank the heavens!

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the

hottest Batty of them all?

Surely it's me!

Ugh, thank you, mirror, for being there.

(playful music)

Where's my bow?

(gasps)

- You!

- Me?

- Yeah, you, ya homewreckin' flousy!

How dare you horn in on my clown!

- No, no, no, no, I, like, am

not tryin' to go for Killjoy, I promise!

I'm trying to get closer to his sponsor Lernell.

- Cut the crap. I seen ya stick your hips

and put your grubby paws all over fish breath!

- He means nothing to me!

- Nothing?

- Nuh-Uh.

- Listen, pipsqueak, if I ever see you near Killjoy again,

I'm gonna break you in half!

- Oh, really?

If you see me again, you're gonna break me in half?

- Oh, yeah. You can take dat to da bank!

(playful music)

(grunts) (screams)

(glass shatters)

- I need like, uh, lasers and stuff.

And I need those worked on by next week, alright?

No excuses!

- Sure thing, boss!

And if you need guns, remember to talk to my guys!

- Right, right, right, yeah.

What the fuck are you still doin' here?

- Oh, I thought I'd rehearse.

- Ah, you're takin' the job seriously?

- No kidding.

- Yeah, the makeup looks a lot better!

You really nailing that annoying accent!

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard!

- Is dat so?

- Yeah, if I didn't know better

I'd say you were the real Batty!

(smack) (grunts)

Batty Boop! It's you.

- What tipped ya off, fish breath?

- Ow! (laughs nervously) It's so good to see ya!

- Oh, now you're just throwin' me a line.

- Well what did you expect me to say?

"Oh, thank god you're here! Now I can continue

on my dreadful, mind-numbing journey through abject misery?"

Would ya like that?

- It wasn't all bad. We had some good times, you and me.

- Yeah, but at what cost? At what cost?

- You think you're the only one to suffer?

You're not the easiest to live with.

You attract trouble like flies to shit!

- Yeah, well then why did you keep stickin' around?

- Because I love you.

(groans)

- That wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

- You love me too!

- Oh, low blow! Alright?

- You do. Admit it!

- I admit nothing!

- You need me! You said it yourself!

- Oh, yeah!

I mean, yeah, I need you when

I'm neck deep in shit and behind bars!

- What do ya think love is?

- I needed you to get outta jail.

- Oh! Is dat all?

- Alright, well if you love me, then why did you leave?

- Ya hooked up with Shivers and Quivers at their wedding!

- Look, they invited me, they asked me their best man,

they offered me a bunch of free booze.

Come on, I've done worse! What gives?

- What gives?

You went without me! Dat's what gives!

And ya slept with Shivers.

- She was hot.

- He was the groom!

- That explains a lot.

- I know you wanna be with me!

- Stop pushing it!

- But you have to be with me!

- I'm warning you!

- It works both ways.

(groans in agony)

- I'm sorry! Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?

- Gettin' there.

- It hurts.

(gasps)

What is that?

- It's blood!

- Blood? No, no, that can't be!

- We're semi-mortal now.

- But, but blood? That's bad!

- Ya think dat's bad?

Shnuckems, I feel different.

And the fuckin' makeup's comin' off.

- Wait, wait, wait, what are you gettin' at?

- Baby cakes, we're changin'.

I'm ovulating!

- Okay, yeah, what is that?

Like a political party or somethin'?

- It means if we have sex, I could have a baby.

- No more balloon animals and confetti?

- Ya never had real sex, have you?

- Uh, no!

- You're pathetic.

- Hey, wait, wait, where ya goin'? Where ya goin'?

(ominous music)

- Everything is in place, master.

The target is distracted. Soon he will come to you.

All he needs is a little push.

- Excellent. Be ready for our signal.

Now we start blowing things up!

- That's music to my ears. Computer?

- [Computer] What? What is it?

- Target Paris.

- [Computer] Oh, my pleasure.

(ominous music)

- [Killjoy] What? That's ridiculous!

I've never seen a bill like this!

- You electrocute your guests and staff.

What do you expect?

- But it's so much fun!

Come on, Samantha, I gotsta kick ma kicks!

- Start selling ice cream, everybody loves ice cream.

Oh and one more thing, get Batty Boop back in the act.

- How the hell am I gonna do that?

She's not exactly thrilled about all this.

- Woo her, romance her, buy her dinner,

flowers or some shit.

She's red blooded woman.

- Yeah, well this is a new development.

- One of our sponsors is Adam and Eve.

You have some sample product, seduce her.

- Yeah, well that's easier said than done.

Because apparently, I've been doing it

wrong all of these ages and I don't

understand how the mortals do it.

Like that right? I don't know.

- You're in luck.

- Really?

Thrill me.

- Not only am I an agent/accountant/manager/bookie,

I'm also a pornographer.

I keep these handy for pillowy soft clients like you.

Call it an instructional video.

It's from my fetish series.

- [Killjoy] Log Jammin'?

- You'll need this. Take this. Um, I'm gonna keep that.

- Samantha, did anyone ever tell you that

you are a total buzz-kill?

- I get that a lot.

- [Freakshow] What is it?

- It's a human porn.

- Isn't that dangerous?

- Come on, we're blood thirsty demons, nothin' shocks us!

- I suppose. But we never saw anything like this.

- Oh buck up, you woos!

We've been neck deep in blood and gore.

We've eaten things that would make a billy goat puke!

We were in the real shit in Nanhai!

(laughs)

So, I think that we can handle a little porno.

- Hi, I'm Tommy Pistol.

- Who's Tommy Pistol?

- And this is the third video to Beginner's Series

of Instructional Fetish Porn.

Following Rocks On, Rocks Off, Log Jamming!

- Log jamming?

- Yummy cans, mmm.

- [Freakshow] I got a bad feeling about this.

- Hi, Dyna Myte. Ready to show 'em how it's done?

- Sure, Tommy. Let's do this, mother fuckin' shit!

(spits)

- Essential tools!

- Safety first!

Tarp!

- Gloves are needed.

- Open wide!

(choking) (laughing)

Yeah!

- That was just a warm up!

- Warmed up? What the hell?

(laughing) (air pump sliding)

(groans)

- Put that in your fuckin' mouth! Yeah!

- Make it stop, just make it stop, make it stop!

- And this is log jamming!

- Here's the close-up of it!

- My eyes!

- I can't take my eyes off of it!

- Please make it stop! Please make it stop!

- Well, isn't dis cute?

Y'all are pathetic.

- Hey, Batty, me and the fellas

were just watchin' a little, um, uh.

- None of ya ever seen human sex before?

(laughs)

Didn't know what you were in for.

Did ya?

- Did you know about this?

- Forget about it.

Haven't you see da news, knucklehead?

- What news?

(upbeat rock music)

(ominous music)

- Beelzebub!

- People of Earth, I seek one among

you by the name of Killjoy.

- Mother fucker, he came back for me!

- You have 13 hours to bring him to me.

If you do not, I will destroy every city, one by one.

- Is this serious?

- To show you that I am serious...

(spaceship hums)

(large explosion booms)

- He blew up Paris?

- Paris was on my to-do list!

- What are we cares?

- Now if I do not receive Killjoy by the time designated,

I will destroy a city that you actually like!

- That's it! I want off this planet!

- Oh, that's sweet. That should provide some motivation.

Now we call out our bounty hunters, the Six Psychos!

Give the order.

- Release the Six Psychos!

(ominous music)

Number one.

- [Beelzebub] Creepy.

- Number two.

- [Beelzebub] Can she do it?

- [Jezebel] She looks cute but she can tear it up.

(laughs) - Just like my second ex-wife.

- Number three.

- [Beelzebub] Oh, sisters!

- Number four.

Number five.

So dangerous.

(laughing)

I only counted five psychos.

- There are six. Six Psychos.

(laughing)

- [Killjoy] I need guns, lots of guns!

Can you get them for me?

- [Handy] Guns? Sure! I'll call my guys.

- Great and I need to get access to this computer.

Did you install a security measure?

- Hold still. It has to scan you for ID.

(computer beeps) (drill whines)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

What the hell was that?

- Rectal scan!

- I said retinal! Retinal scan!

- I'll have to put in a retinal scanner.

- Yeah, you're gonna have to do that.

(laughs)

- Hey, boss, I got tomorrow's scripts.

We gotta go over your lonely asparagus sketch.

- Toady, you got hold of the lonely asparagus sketch?

That's never been done before!

- Yes, in my hands is the only copy.

- Oh, I can't believe it.

We're going to make comedy history!

- My gun guys are here!

- Oh good.

- See ya, Toady!

- But the sketch?

- Ha! I gotta buy guns! I feel so patriotic.

(laughing)

- [Gun Dealer] I got ya firepower right here!

- [Killjoy] I love it!

- You lookin' to ventilate someone?

- What?

- You know, wack, plug, kill?

- Um, uh, home protection?

- Well this here, is an example of a sensible weapon.

Lightweight, well balanced, scientifically engineered

built in safety features including a fingerprint electronic

ID system, guaranteed not to hurt a kitty cat on accident.

How'd ya like that tuckin' you into bed at night?

- It's okay.

- Better than okay, that thing's fuckin' bullshit!

- I wouldn't shoot my mother with this piece of shit

and I've shot my mother with Ginger Deadman's dick!

- Uh, okay, what else you got?

- This.

- Oh!

- Oh? You're god damn right oh!

It feels good to whip it out!

- Yeah, tell me more.

- Yeah, laser scope, extended battery, 400,000 heat tons of

two hairy balls screamin' "saftey's for nerds"!

- Yeah, awesome! What's it called?

- It's called the Aborted Granny Diarrhea Felcher.

- Wait, what, what?

That is just plain offensive!

- Its an assault weapon!

You really gonna yank my cock over its name?

- What else you got?

Yeah! Yeah! What does this one do?

- It leaves your victims bubblin' and poppin' like herpes.

Oh, it leaves the dick wad still alive

so you can watch him turn into Granny's jell-o mold,

all green and drippin' with nectarines on Christmas!

- Turns into a human kind of cider.

- Is that, like, really necessary?

- You asked what it does!

Wait 'till you see what this

thing can do innocent bystanders and babies!

- You are a peach.

I hate to ask ya, but what do you call this one?

- The Crust Scraping Cunt Plunger.

- Ah, are you fucking kidding,

what the hell is wrong with you?

- You asked what it does and guns

are offensive by design, bro.

- Why are you so tight in the crotch?

What do you want?

- I want something that's got a more heroic and sexy name.

Like Thor's Hammer or Wings of Justice or Soul Reaper!

So just tell me what I wanna hear.

- Fine.

You look damn sexy holding that weapon!

- Damn sexy!

- Hello! I'd fuck me!

- Yeah! Now you're ready to blow your wad!

That's the spirit!

- Yeah! I'll take all of 'em!

- I'll load 'em up for you.

- Wait a second, I don't need like

a background check or anything?

- You look good to me.

- I'll say! You're background's sweet.

- Hey, where the fuck is everybody?

- I sent 'em off to do some errands.

I want some alone time wit you.

- Can I use your bathroom?

- Uh, yeah. If you can find it, it's all your's.

- Fuckin' A.

- Now we're alone!

- I know what that means! What does that mean exactly?

- Fish breath, you're turnin' mortal on me now.

- It's "mortal". Pronounce the "R". Mortal!

- You know what I mean.

I wanna take this to the next level.

- Look, I'm dyin' here, Batty.

What more do you want from me?

- I want a kid!

- Oh, a kid, why didn't you just say so?

How much are they?

I just saved a ton of money on these guns.

- With you, ya idiot!

- How's that happen?

- You know, ya just saw a video on it.

- Well, yeah but that was Tommy Pistol, I can't do that!

- Aren't you at least a little bit curious?

- I'm also curious about toenail fungus.

- Dis is one of da things dat makes life, life!

- Huh. Yeah, you know what? Maybe you're right.

Maybe if we're gonna do this mortal thing,

we should just go full bore.

I already bought a buncha guns today! I feel so American!

Yeah! Let's log jam! Come on!

- Yeah, I'm comin' down, I'm comin' all da way down!

- Yeah, so romantic!

It's kinda making me feel like I'm gonna

throw up in my mouth a little bit.

I love it.

Let's get real!

Is that the way? No?

- You know, that's not working for me.

- It is for me!

- It's just not working for me.

- And I put it in, right?

- Yes, you put it in me. You put it in me.

- Alright.

- I'm ready. Okay.

- Alright, here we go. I'll try!

- Okay! - Wait, oh, is that it?

- Yeah! - Did I get it?

No? Yes? Yes? No?

- I think so, just go with it!

(jackhammer) (party horns)

(fireworks) (splashing)

- Boss! Oh!

We got company! There's a mob of people outside.

- Oh, what do they want?

- I think they're comin' to get you!

- No, they're fans, I think they're here to help.

- You can't be too careful!

- Alright, Batty, you stay here.

- Okay, shnuckems.

- And I'm gonna work on the rocket ship!

In case we need to scram!

- Yeah, good idea!

- Rocket ship?

- Yeah, baby, rocket ship. Just go with it.

You wait here, things might get a little rough.

- Rough? Here are the guns!

- Alright. Freakshow?

- Yeah? - You guard the door

and make sure nobody gets in.

- Sure!

You! Have you ever actually used one of these?

- Seen all the movies! I know what the fuck I'm doin'!

- That's good enough for me!

- [Crowd] Killjoy! Killjoy! Killjoy! Killjoy! Killjoy!

- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I'm not your hero! I want to kill you all!

(cheers)

Who are these people?

- The Psycho Circus Fan Club.

- What am I supposed to do?

- They're your fans, rally them!

- How am I gonna do that?

- Easy, raise your gun in the air.

(stomps) (screams)

(cheers)

- No, no, no, no! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I guess this is supposed to be

some of kind of an inspirational speech.

But you all are a bunch of morons!

(cheers)

I ain't no hero! And I don't give a shit about any of you!

The Earth is doomed. And it's all your fault!

Why do you want me?

- Because you make us look sane!

- That was a bit of a backhanded compliment.

(spaceship hums)

(gasps)

- You're having a party. How nice.

Now surrender and board my ship or suffer the consequences!

- I'll never board your ship! I'd rather die first!

- I don't want you dead.

I need you whole before I rip your soul out.

Come willingly or I will destroy everything that you love.

- Play time!

- I don't think they're friendly.

- You're gonna have to kill me first!

(laser blasts) (screams)

- Human shield!

(lasers blast) (screams)

(upbeat techno music) (lasers blast)

- It's a shit storm outside!

(laughing)

Are you getting the ship ready?

- We're on it!

- Goin' somewhere?

- I was just gonna show ya somethin'!

- I thought you were gonna wait for Killjoy.

- I am, Batty! There's just somethin' wrong with your face.

- What's wrong with my face?

- Made ya look!

(laughing)

(suspenseful music)

(thud) (laughing)

(lasers blast) (screams)

- Get some!

(lasers blast) (screams)

(dramatic music)

(laughing)

- Victory! Suck it, Beelz!

- Congratulations, Killjoy.

You have killed five of the Six Psychos.

- Oh that's right, Bee-otch!

Wait a minute? Five of the Six Psychos.

What's he talkin' about?

- Yoo-Hoo. You missing something?

- Batty?

- If you want to see her again, you will come to me.

(spaceship hums)

- No!

What happened?

- Uh, there were thousands of them! A horde!

I was overrun! They took her!

- Is the ship ready to go?

- It's loaded, ready to launch!

- To the bridge!

Oh, I should thank you all for your sacrifices.

Now it's apparent to me, that Killjoy fans

are a bunch of gullible bafoons.

- But he didn't actually apologize.

(steady orchestral music)

- Fuckin' duck!

- Activate the control panel!

(computer beeps)

Wow! Cool! Isn't that cool?

I mean, that's like really fuckin' cool.

- They're getting away!

- Oh, right, right, blast off!

(alarms blare)

- [Computer] Three, two, one, blast off.

(rockets roar) (cheering)

(steady orchestral music)

- [Killjoy] We're comin' for ya, Batty.

(triumphant rock music)

- Good! Good! Right into our hands!

Jezebel, you can fire at will.

- Abso-Fucking-Lutely.

Fire!

(laser blasts)

- That was close, Captain.

- Shields up!

- We don't have shields!

- Well what the fuck do we have? A tortilla?

- We have fields!

- For fuck's sake. Fields up!

- Fire!

(lasers blast)

- Fields still holding, sir.

- Good. Now all we have to do is, uh,

find that thing's weak spot and disable it.

- Punchy wanna punch.

- Excellent, weapons online.

Let's give 'em whatfer.

Fire!

(lasers blast)

- Yes, that's it. Just keep wasting your energy.

(lasers blast)

- No effect, Captain!

- What did we toss at him? Cream pies?

Alright, great, we'll do lasers. Fire the lasers!

(lasers blast)

(alarm beeps) (rockets thrust)

(lasers blast) (alarms beep)

- I think their lasers might penetrate.

- [Beelzebub] Just keep firing.

- But, sir--

- Just keep firing!

(grunts)

(lasers blast)

- We're takin' a lot of damage! Field's almost gone!

- We almost have them. Keep firing!

Batty, I'm comin' to get ya.

(lasers blast)

- No!

No, no! Take me!

Take me!

- We have our enemy ship's engines targeted.

- Good! Fire!

(lasers blast)

Keep firing, keep firing.

What's happening?

- [Computer] Um, it's an energy drain due to malfunction.

- Malfunction? What malfunction?

- [Computer] (sighs) The power line from the

atomic generator to the weapons seem to have failed.

- [Killjoy] Fuck! Can we fix it?

- The access tube are too thin.

Only something the size of a baby

could crawl through those things.

- You traitor!

- What? I don't know what you're talkin' about!

- Why would you build access tubes too thin to get into?

- I helped you! I got you guns!

- Those psychos weren't meant to kill me at all.

Beelzebub needs me alive so that he can get my soul.

What did offer you? Money? Fame? A Klondike bar?

- There aren't many primeval clowns left!

When you're gone, guess who's still here?

- You're the sixth psycho.

You little shit!

I would've offered you the spot of top clown!

- I can't have it while your soul is still free.

But now I guess I'll be gettin' the spot!

Reach for the sky!

- We're in outer space. So that's a really vague order.

- You know what I mean.

- You've forgotten one thing.

Punchy don't give a shit! Get him!

(gun shots)

(laughs)

- Punchy! Can we make a deal? Huh?

- No.

(punches thud) (head splatters)

(laughs) Ya dirty traitor.

- Seriously, who keeps the gravity

on full power in outer space?

- Congratulations. You figured it out.

- You! What have you done to Batty?

Oh, that's kinda turnin' me on a little bit.

I mean, no, Batty! Unhand her, you fiend!

- You see that red liquid dripping from her bones?

She's turning mortal!

Soon she will bleed to death.

- No! Take me!

- That's precisely my intention.

- Oh. Right. Of course it is.

- I suggest you lower your fields.

So I can beam you onboard.

- Then you'll let Batty go?

- I will let her go to your ship.

(sighs)

- Well, I guess this is goodbye.

It's been nice knowin' you two fucks.

When Batty gets back to the bridge, get her outta here.

Fly away, just fly away.

I still don't understand a fuckin'

word you're sayin', Punchy.

But it's gonna be alright.

And you? Freakshow.

I always liked your brother better.

Quit bein' such a cunt.

Sayonara, suck-wads!

(growls)

- Now you're going to get your ass into this thing.

- Let Batty go first!

- Mortal flesh is so delicate.

- Stop it! Leave her alone!

- You first.

(sighs) (Batty moans)

- No. What if I don't want?

- Jezebel, activate the Cuisinart.

- My pleasure.

Mortal.

(machines hum) (Batty moans)

(laughs)

- Semi-mortal.

- Semi what?

- Semi-Moytal! (Laughs)

(upbeat techno music)

(lasers blast) (groans)

- [Killjoy] Yeah! (laughs) That's my girl!

Suck on that! Great balls of fire up your ass!

- Oh, baby cakes, I wasn't weak because of my wounds.

- No? Then what's wrong with you?

- I'm pregnant.

- You're pregnant?

- We created life!

- Batty you gotta get back to the ship.

Jump through the magic mirror!

- No! I wanna stay with you.

- Think of the kid!

Batty you gotta get outta here.

(laughs)

- A clown with a small hammer!

Don't make me laugh.

- Dude, you call this small?

- You fool.

You have your hammer back but I'm still an Arch Demon.

(small explosions boom)

You baffon. Fool. Boozoo. Clown.

You can't hurt me with that thing!

Hit me with your best shot!

- I intend to.

(explosion thuds)

- Oh no!

(laughs) I'm mother fuckin' Killjoy!

Yeah!

(orb hums)

Uh-oh, oh shit.

- Master, no, just please stop, please.

- Come on, come on, let's go!

Yes!

- Shnuckems!

(kisses pucker)

- There's an energy build up on the Exitian!

- We gotta get outta here!

(Punchy mumbles)

We gotta get outta here!

We gotta go to warp speed!

We have to go plaid now!

- [Computer] Just wait a second.

- Wait!

- [Freakshow] We have no power.

- Oh yeah, were fucked.

(screams)

- Son of a bitch.

(electricity sparks)

- We're not gonna make it.

- [Computer] Power back online.

- Power's back online.

There's something inside the access

tunnels fixing the power lines.

- What? What's goin' on?

(gasps)

- I missed you!

- Aw, I always liked you best!

(screams)

(explosion thunders)

(rocket zooms)

- We still won't make it.

- We have to go to ludicrous speed! Now!

Punch it!

(ship booms)

That was ludicrous.

- [Computer] Approaching planet.

- Computer, what is it?

- [Computer] Uh, it's Earth. Jesus.

- It can't be!

- [Computer] Oh, it is.

- Maybe it's a parallel universe.

- Wow, shnuckems, dat sounds like fun.

- I don't know, it could be completely different.

- Fish breath, in about 10 minutes,

I'm gonna lay an egg and you're gonna be a father.

Things will be different forever.

A penny for your thoughts?

- [Killjoy] Evil clown gonna bust some ass!

I'm mother fucking Killjoy.

(laughs maniacally)

(heavy orchestral music)