Original subtitles

Roger. Officer respondin' to domestic violence. Over.

Help! Help!

It's my stepdaddy Raymond.

He's beating my mama!

That Raymond's a bad man.

Nobody loves Raymond.

It's been horrible ever since he moved back in.

He has no respect for women.

Aah!

I know you done turned me in, B.J.

Get off. If it's the last thing I do...

I'm gonna get you!

Get off. Aah!

Wait! Don't take him away!

He didn't hit me that hard! Oh!

- Get on in there now. - I love you, Ray.

- You're dead, B.J.! - Here, sweetie.

Dead!

Mama!

What are you doing here...

all the way from Clinton, Arkansas?

And why are you watching that dumb tape again?

Is that the kind of welcome...

I get from my own girl...

who I birthed at the age of nine...

in a stall at Ross's Dress For Less?

Sorry, Mama.

Where are my manners?

- Can I offer you a Mountain Dew? - Yeah.

Let's see, do I have any?

You still take sugar in it, right?

And some cough syrup, if you got it.

But first...

B.J., I have some awful news for you.

Your stepdaddy Ray is out on parole...

and he's comin' to get you.

You're dead, B.J.! Dead!

No.

Uhh.

Tonight's episode:

Caution: Son of the Beach may cause major swelling.

Burn it and burn it.

And burn it and burn it and burn it.

And burn it and burn it and burn it and burn it.

And burn it. All right!

All right!

Folks, that's Notch Aerobics.

30 seconds, once a month...

and you can have a body like this.

- Ooh. - Someday.

All right, let's all breathe in.

And... let it out.

Okay, see you in 30 days.

That sound can only mean one thing...

It's my Indian half-sister... Firebush.

Ohh.

- H-Hey. - Oh, hi.

Hi, Firebush.

Hey, Firebush. Get off your high horse.

Hello, Notch "Little Worm"Johnson.

How... are you doing?

A drought has caused much misery on the Cojone reservation.

- No.! - My people have all left to find work, mostly in liquor stores.

Now, I need a job.

Well, Notch, maybe she could work here as a lifeguard...

until the drought ends.

Kimberlee, that's a great idea.

Firebush, I'd love to put you on my unit.

God, it'll be great. Right on.

I will do my best to make you all proud.

I'm hungry after that workout.

- Where are we going for lunch? - Why go anywhere...

when the earth has provided us with so much bounty?

Let's eat.

So, how are you enjoying your seagull?

It's great. Tastes a lot like pelican.

- Uh, Notch. - Oh.

I'm still hungry.

Kimberlee, will you mind if I grab your breast?

No time for that, Chip. You and Jamaica have to go train Firebush.

Let's roll, kemo sabe.

- Kimberlee, more sauce for your thigh? - What?

- Oh. - Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Hi.

I want you to meet my mama.

Ima Cummings.

I recognize you from the cop show you were on with B.J.

Wow, Mama, seems like everyone's seen our Fuzz.

And I know you folk from the letters B.J. draws me.

- Oh. - You're Notch Johnson...

the world-famous hero type.

And you're Kimberlee Clark, the sensible, flat-chested one.

Well, yes.

I guess we can't all be as gifted...

as your little B.J. here.

Yeah, well, I knew she was something special...

ever since that day she won the Little Miss Bumps Contest.

"Little Miss Bumps"?

It's a bikini contest for overdeveloped six-year-old girls.

Wow. What would a bikini contest for six-year-olds be like?

Hello, fellow Americans. I'm Larry Flynt.

Freedom of speech is one of our most precious rights...

but let's face it...

even the First Amendment has its limits.

Smut like this has no place on television.

So let's clean up this show, boys.

No. What I meant was, what would the contest be like...

when the girls are grown up?

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Okay, Kimberlee, let's beat it.

Hey, Notch? I wanna hang out with my mama today.

Can I get off early?

B.J., I can get you off with one finger.

- Have a great day. Nice to meet you. - Thank you. You too.

Excuse me, hon, while I go freshen up.

Whoa!

I just love these double-wide handicap stalls you got here.

Boy, those crippled folks sure know how to live!

Hey, lifeguard.

How about giving your stepdaddy...

a little mouth-to-mouth?

No!

Then the invaders came.

They conquered my people and stole our land.

Wait. You're from Poland?

Did you see that? He defiled the earth.

- Damn litterbug. - What can you do?

I think she's Indian wrestling him.

Ooh, now she's giving him an Indian burn.

You stay away from her, Ray.

You gonna stop me, Ima?

You know you could never stand up to me.

I do love you, Ray.

But that restraining order is still in effect.

- You can't come within six inches of me. - Yeah.

I could violate you...

and still respect that restraining order...

if you catch my drift.

You leave her alone, you bastard!

Call me.

Oh, B.J., not only is this hard on you...

- it's hard on me. - Well, I just talked to the police.

As long as Ray honors the restraining order, there's nothing they can do.

So there's no way to force Ray to leave town?

The only thing we can do is go to the mayor and get an ordinance.

I've got an idea.

Let's go to the mayor and get an ordinance.

BJ., we're gonna wash that Ray right out of your hair.

- Just a minute. I'm coming. - Must be in a meeting.

Enter.

This better be good, Johnson.

No, Mayor, it's bad.

B.J.'s evil stepdaddy is stalking her.

We need you to sign an ordinance...

to ban this guy Ray from Malibu Adjacent.

Yeah, I want a Ray ban.

Isn't that a coincidence?

My new boyfriend's name is Ray.

Couldn't help but overhear...

everybody talking about me.

You listen to me, Ray. You leave B.J. alone.

Can't you see she doesn't have an evil bone in her body?

Not yet she don't.

Oh, please. Ray's harmless. He's just my little country bumpkin.

Can't you see he's just using you?

Yes, and if you're finished, I'd like to get back to that.

You might be interested to know that Ima is still married to Ray.

- The man's a two-timer. - Oh, I don't mind.

So long as he's not three-timing me. Well, I have my pride.

Mama? Don't you want Ray to leave?

Well, he cheats on me, but I still love him.

I'm torn.

B.J., do you know what it's like to be torn?

No, Mama. I'm a virgin.

Well, now that's settled. Thank you all for coming.

Y'all come back now, hear?

Beat it, sister.

All right, come on.

Squeal, piggy.!

"Squeal, piggy"?

- That's what he used to say to me. - Come on, Mama.

Three across. AncientJewish king. Five letters.

Yo, Chip, can we give it a rest?

Nein.! We must solve theJewish question!

Oy.

Oh, no! The little ones are warring.

Little ones, please. We are of the same clay.

There is no need to fight.

Wow. She's maintaining order.

Now, to settle this...

we must inhale from the pipe of peace.

- Is that a pipe I'm peeping? - When you're ready, Jimmy...

remove your hand from the sacred carb.

Firebush, that is strictly verboten.!

- But that's a peace pipe. - Native American, please.

That may fly in South Central, but, girlfriend...

you in Malibu Adjacent.

Just keep going.

Ladies.

Come on.

I can't take it anymore, Mama.

- How could you even fall for Ray in the first place? - I'm sorry, baby.

It's just that he was so handsome, and I was so drunk.

You know how those family reunions are.

- Listen to me. - What?

Either you get Ray away from me...

or I will never talk or draw you letters again.

Okay, sweet face.

I will go and talk to Ray.

Uhh. Maybe the leopard outfit.

We just ain't really sure that Firebush is lifeguard material.

What makes you say that?

Yeah. You guys need to be more tolerant.

Look, no one is more tolerant than the German people.

You know, there's even a museum dedicated to our tolerance.

Okay, I'll talk to her. I'll take care of it.

A' right.

I have great news.

Ray and my mom are headed back to Arkansas.

Look at me. I'm so excited.

- Oh, that's wonderful news. - Looks like Kimberlee's excited too.

I have terrible news.

Ray and your mama are heading back to Arkansas.

At least I had one night with that country stud.

And what a night it was.

Oh, my God. There's no excuse for a man hitting a woman.

Oh, no, it was my fault.

I took way too long to fetch that beer from the fridge.

Anybody for lunch?

Uh, Firebush, we need to talk.

Let's sit, Indian-style.

Firebush, do you remember when I left the world of the white man...

and had to learn the ways of the Cojone?

You mean like wiping with leaves?

You obviously recall the whole poison ivy incident.

Well, now it's time for you to forget the ways of the Cojone...

and adjust to our world.

I understand. I will make the change.

Ha ha. Good girl.

Aargh, it's that darn graffiti guy again.

Please. Let the new Firebush take care of this.

Oh. Oh, God.!

Man down. B.J., quick. Call 911.

411? What's the number to 911? Thanks.

Daddy's home. Time for payback.

Ohh. Aah!

Get in the truck. Get in the truck! Get up!

Drive, bitch. Drive!

But I can't drive an automatic.

Darn! Where are those paramedics?

I'll go check and see what's taking B.J. so long.

Little Worm, I believe I can heal this man.

Do you know where I might find a water buffalo?

Firebush, you're my sister.

When you first joined us, I was exhilarated.

You made my unit swell with pride.

But now I'm afraid I have to let you go.

I understand.

I have brought shame to this beach.

Good-bye, Little Worm.

Notch, look what I found.

Ooh, it's Notch's cell phone and a gold tooth!

Wow. A gold tooth!

Just like the ones my Uncle Franz used to collect.

Can I hold it?

The tooth? You can't handle the tooth.

No. Don't you get it? The tooth belongs to Ray...

and B.J. had the cell phone.

I'll bet the two of them had a struggle, and now he's kidnapped her.

This tooth reeks of evil spirits.

The evil went thataway...

Over the mountains and through the woods.

All right, gang...

I want choppers, amphibious vehicles...

and some of those little key chain flashlights.

Hey, where's Firebush going?

I know where she's going...

to save B.J.

Come on.

Let's go, you bitches. Go.! Come on.

- All right. All right. - Go. Go.

Go. Get your asses in that old abandoned mine shaft.

We have to hurry. I can't see hide nor hair of Firebush.

Come on, git. Get up. Go.

This bridge looks dangerous and rickety.

Be brave, darlin'. Mama loves you.

Daddy loves you too. At least I'm fixin' to. Go on. Git.

I'm scared. I don't know if I can do this.

I saw Firebush head in here. And there's Ray's truck.

Poor B.J. She must be freaking.

- It's pitch black in that mine shaft. - It's okay, Jamaica.

If anybody can handle a big, black shaft, it's B.J.

Come on.

Oh. Aah!

Unhand the woman, or face my wrath.

How you gonna get us now, Injun?

Wait. Don't just leave us here.

She don't care about you.

Only your daddy cares about you.

Oh, come on now, Ray.

- Get outta my way. - No.

Hi, B.J.

There they are.

- Oh, no. We're too late. - No, no. It's okay, gang.

I think I know what to do.

Now stop it, Ray. Just stop it.

What happened to Firebush?

Looks like she let us down again.

No, she didn't. Look.

- Mom! - Yeah.

Ohh.

- Hyah! - Oh, my God, Ray.

- Ima, help me, Ima. - I don't know why I'm helping you.

Oh, you know I love you, possum pie.

You know when I hit you, it ain't nothing personal.

I know that, honeybunch.

So I hope you don't take this personal.

Whoops!

Oh, I love you, Mama.

I love you, sweet face.

There go one brother who really got the shaft.

Firebush, in honor of your heroic actions...

we present you the SPF-30 patch.

You've earned it.

But that looks too big to fit.

Girlfriend, you gonna have to shave down your patch.

Mine's trimmed perfectly. I'll show you how.

You know, as much as I enjoyed tonight's episode...

I couldn't help but feel something was missing.

Let's try that ending one more time.

Girlfriend, you gonna have to shave down your patch.

Mine's trimmed perfectly. I'll show you how.

But first, I wanna thank you for saving my life.

Much better. Good night, folks.

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about a battered woman from the South.

But so many battered things come from the South.

You've got battered chicken...

battered shrimp...

battered catfish...

and, of course, batteries.

So what's the problem with battering? High cholesterol.

Now, teens, people our age don't have to worry about that...

but others do.

So if you should meet a known batterer...

I'd like to recommend my new product...

Notch Johnson's I Can't Believe It's Not Batter.

And you'll say...

Wow!

I can't believe it's not batter. Mmm.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...

"Ride the big one."