All language subtitles for The.Cool.Kids.S01E17.Margaret.Ups.Her.Game.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

I'm on a roll!

This book is gonna be sick.

Stephen King, watch your back.

I cannot believe that
you really wrote a book, Hank.

I've never even seen you
read a book.

See, this book is like my baby,

'cause it's been gestating
in my brain uterus

for, like, ten years.

So, now I'm ready

to squeeze it out
and present it to the world.

I call it...

-Shadeby Hank Henderson.
-Oh.

Ooh. Shade.

I once tried to write a book.

That's the end of the story.
I, uh...

I once tried to write a book,
and I stopped.

It's really hard.

That was the best blind date
I've ever been on,

and I've been on three of 'em.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna head out.

Uh, hey. Uh...

what do you think
about grabbing a drink later?

I mean, not that
I would drink myself, no.

If I have a little bit
of alcohol, oh, look out.

-I have the worst gas.
-Yeah, yeah.

You mentioned that-- how your
large intestine is too small,

-and your small intestine...
-Small intestine too large.

-Oh, look at us.

We're already finishing
each other's...

So, I'm gonna go.

I'll, uh...
I'll see you later, Leonard.

-I'll hold you to that.
-Ah.

Oh, heck,
I just want to hold you.

Oh!

What the hell, Charlie?!

Why'd you set me up
with that guy?

All he did was talk about gas.

Well, gas pricing
is a fascinating mix of geo...

Hisgas, Charlie.

Butt gas.

On a date! It's not exactly

the kind of guy
I usually go for.

Oh, no. You're right.

He's a lot betterthan the guys
you usually go for.

What?

You go for losers, Margaret.

Hugelosers.

She does.

That food snob Murray
was a sociopath,

that colonel picked you up
at his wife's funeral,

-and that Karl was
the Zodiac Killer.
-Yeah.

So that's, uh,

loser, loser...

murderer/loser.

Okay, but those guys were...

I mean, there was also...

Ugh.

Well, it's not like...

Oh, my God, I only date losers.

Does this mean
that I've become a loser?

That doesn't feel like
a safe question to answer.

How did this happen?

You know, before I moved
in here, I crushed ass.

Qualityass.

I dated a Bee Gee.

Well, it's simple.

You're not putting enough effort
into it.

You're waiting
for guys to approach you.

That's like sitting on the beach

waiting for the fish
to wash ashore.

More like pieces of ocean trash.

Yeah, if you want
to catch the good fish,

i.e. hot dudes,

you got to go swimming
in the ocean, i.e. try.

Well, I guess maybe

I could up my game a little bit.

I could still date a hot guy.

-Gene in the house!
Gene!

I'm gonna date him.

Gene?!

-: Margaret,

we said go fishing
in the ocean.

We didn't say go harpoon a whitewhale with your bare hands.

I could date Gene. I just, uh...

I just need
to pull out all the stops.

Watch out, boys.

I'm jumping in the ocean.

So, Hank,
tell me all about your book.

And speak real slow, 'cause

the last book I finished was
written by Reese Witherspoon.

First of all, we all know

vampires are sexy as hell,
right?

Yeah.

And who is the sexiest vampire
of all time?

Brad Pitt,
Interview with the Vampire.

Wrong.

Tom Cruise,
Interview with the Vampire.

No.

Antonio Banderas,
Interview with the...

Stop guessing
Interview with the Vampire!

Now, the sexiest vampire

of all time is obviously
Wesley Snipes in Blade.

And what is the one complainteverybody has about that movie?

Never saw it.

Not enough sex.

You can't walk down the street
without somebody saying,

"You know the problem
with that movie Bladeis?

Ain't got enough sex scenes."

Well...

problem solved.

I present to you...

Shade.

:
Oh.

Now, be careful.
That's my baby, now.

Don't forget
to support his head.

-All right, let's get started.

Read it out loud so I knowwhich parts get to you the most.

"Shade strutted
into the sexy-ass club

"and was all like,

'What's up, y'all?
Who wants to get freaky?'"

Ah!

-That's just the first sentence!-Let's see.

We're gonna need more water
up in here!

"Shade pulled a photo
of his father,

"who was dead,

"out of his pocket,
and whispered,

'Fangs for nothing.'"

Wow! Hank, I love it.

It's the best thing
I ever created,

and that's including my kids.

Now, did you notice that

Shade's minivan was really
a metaphor for society?

Oh, big time.

Especially
when I saw this Post-it

says "Van equals society."

Well, now all I got to do
is get it published.

You know, I've been callingevery Stephen King in the book,

but I ain't got
the right one yet.

I know someonein the Tucson publishing world.

My second cousin is in the biz.

Ooh.

I'm gonna need a minute.

What's wrong, Hank?

:
Oh, geez.

I can't believe
how rich I'm gonna be!

-All right.

Wow, you are crazy tall today.

Most old ladies shrink,

but you're just getting bigger
and bigger.

Yeah. These are my, uh...

-my A-game heels.
-Oh.

My tall boys.

Had to retire these in the '90s

'cause my calves were getting
too muscular.

Ah, hey, I still got it.

What are you doing?

Well, this is my go-to move.

I make eye contact with a guy,
and I hold it,

and just when it starts
to get weird,

I break into
a million-dollar smile.

It works every time.

-Look, watch this.
-Okay.

Whoa.

:
Ah...

Evening, Gene.

Don't forget
to call your pocket...

Margaret, are you okay?

Okay. Just, uh,
living the dream.

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

Okay, just... get yourself up

and out of here

with your dignity intact.

Ah.

Eh...

Ooh, okay.

Please don't be watching me.

Okay, that's settled.

I'm officially a loser.

Ahooga!

-Wow. Look at you.

Don't mind me. I'm just rollingmy tongue back in my mouth.

Thanks.

Hey, would you make me
the happiest man on Earth

and let me buy you a drink?

Oh, Leonard...

-you can buy me ten.
-Oh.

Ugh.

Oh!

Ah.

Good morning, beautiful.

Sorry.

My small intestine is up
to no good.

Boy, you must have shimmied
something askew last night.

Leonard,
last night was a mis...

Was amazing. I know.

You were insatiable, my lady.

No, it was a mistake.

I was feeling very vulnerable
and shaky,

both physically
and emotionally, and I--

Do you think we can get
another candle going in here?

Leonard?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.

I was thinking about last night.

I still can't believe
it happened.

Me, either, but it did,

so I'm gonna have to live
with that.

Well, sister, let me tell you.

You're gonna be living
with this guy for a long time.

Ooh, ooh. B-R-B.

I got to get out of here.

Oh!

You two bitches are going
straight to Goodwill.

Well, uh, you read my book,

so I stand here before you
exposed,

much like Shade
when he traded in his fangs

for the love of his life,
Serena Williams.

Well, listen, here's the deal.

This book is super weird,

and it was hard to follow with
all the Post-its falling out.

And, uh, men's erotic fiction

is a genre
that doesn't really exist.

But...?

But I have to admit...
I loved it.

-Oh!
-Hot damn! It turned you on,
didn't it?

-I mean, yeah.

This is for all the fellas

who just want to sit
by the fire with a good book

and work up a chubby.

Oh, I did just have
one tiny note.

Instead of a minivan,

I think Shade should drive
a motorcycle.

Oh, no.

So... you want to get rid
of the minivan?

Okay, then. All right. Okay.

I just have, uh, one question.

Did you not notice

that the minivan
represents society?!

Uh...

I did not notice that at all.

Did that Post-it fall out?

What kind of publisher
are you, man?

This is my masterpiece, and youdon't give a master notes.

You don't go to-to Michelangelo

and say, "Oh, excuse me.
I got one note.

Don't be a Ninja Turtle."

Come on, Sid.

We're up out of here.

Charlie,

you're not gonna believe
what I did last night.

You slept with Leonard.

What? How did you know?

He texted me right after
it happened.

He said you kept the boots on.

There she is.

Miss High Heels, USA.

Great, so you did see it.

Oh, of course I saw it. I'vebeen telling everybody about it.

That part where you pretended
that you couldn't walk,

it was hilarious.

It was?

-Oh, yes.
-Well, yeah, of course it was.

I mean, my, uh,
my comedy's kind of cerebral,

but I'm-I'm glad
you got the joke.

I don't think he did.

It wasn't a joke.

Shut up, Charlie.

So I was just wondering
if maybe you'd like

to have a drink with me tonight.

Uh-uh. Sorry, pal, she's taken.

She literally just banged...

Shut up, Charlie!

I got a date with Gene.

I am back, baby.

I'm back, baby.

I just did our grocery shopping.

I couldn't figure out
what peanut butter to get,

so I bought every one.

I got crunchy, I got smooth,

and I even got the one
with the peanut butter

and the jelly
all swirled together,

much like our limbs were
last night.

Charlie, thanks again for
setting me up with Margaret.

It's the best deal I ever made.

Deal?

What deal is he talking about?

I just, uh...

You know, uh...

I can't come up with a lie,
so here goes.

I owed him 50 bucks,

and he said
he would let it slide

if I set the two of you up
on a date.

You sold me?

Well, yeah.

You know how sometimes
friends sell friends?

Unbelievable.

You set me up with that clinger,

so you better
just make him go away.

And I don't care what you say,
you just do it.

I cannot believe you sold me.

For 50 bucks?

Well, at least I-I sold you
for something.

You've been just
giving it away for free.

I have compromised

my whole life; I'm not gonna
compromise on this.

Looks like my baby
is just gonna have to wind up

-in the drawer forever.
-Oh, oh, oh.

Hank. You seem sadder than Shade

when he found out he'd never seeSerena Williams play tennis,

because tennis happens
in the sunlight.

I'm exactly that sad, Sid.

Oh. Well, screw it.

We don't need a publisher.

We will take it straight
to the people.

You said Shadeneeds
to be experienced, right?

Well, let's give the people
an experience

they will never forget.

And that's when I started saying"Gene in the house."

And I mean, it just took off.

Oh, I wish I had
an entrance line like that.

Sometimes I say
"Margaret in the Target,"

but that only works
when I'm at Target.

- You are kickass.
- Oh.

I'm-I'm gonna get us
another drink.

:
"Margaret in the Target."

There you are.

I've been looking everywhere
for you.

Leonard,
what are you doing here?

Charlie told me why
we can't date.

Well, whatever he said is true.So, bye.

No. I am not going anywhere.

And I'm telling you, I am stillgoing to make love to you,

even though, as we speak, you
are being consumed by an STD.

Look, this is all
a huge mistake.

I do not have an STD.

-She does.
-No, I don't.

W-Who is this guy?

Leonard Bartholomew Goin.

It's like "groin"
without the "R."

Why not say
"it's like coin with a 'G'?"

Wow. Where were you
60 years ago?

Okay, Leonard,
so you need to get "Goin."

That's the disease talking,
baby.

We can work through this.

There is no "we."

We slept together one time.

We are not "we."

I do not want to be with you,
Leonard.

-And I'm on a date.
-Oh?

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Look, I should probably go.

No, no, no. Don't go.
I don't have an STD.

Oh, please,
I don't care about that.

I've had everything.

Were you gonna tell me?

My issue...

is that you slept with Leonard.

Now, I knew you were not up
to my level,

but I thought you were at leastone level down.

So... we done.

Wait a minute.
What about how funny I am?

Hey, you want to see me
eat a dollar?

Gene out.

I'm, uh, sorry
I gave you an STD.

Oh, Charlie.

Lower your voice.

You'll bounce back.

You're funny as hell,

and you give the best advice,

and that look you give men--

Whoa.

I couldn't get to sleep
last night.

Yep.

I know this may feel like
a low point,

but, uh, it's not.

Oh, thanks, Charlie.

So, uh, what is this?

What am I watching?

Uh, Hank is going
to be doing a reading

from his erotic vampire novel.

Oh, so thisis the low point.

Yeah, I'm needed backstage.

Hank has me running
special effects.

Oh.

Whoa.

Sorry, I-I didn't realize
you were sitting here.

-I could go somewhere else.
-N-No, wait.

Leonard, it's okay. Sit down.

Come on.
Don't leave because of me.

And I'm sorry I lashed out
at you.

I-It's not your fault.

I know I can come on
a little strong.

Probably need to up my game
a little.

Your game is just fine.

It'll be perfect
for the right person.

Advice I should probably
take myself.

My point is,
don't change who you are.

I hear you loud and clear.

Leonard!

Oh, my God!

"It was dark and hot

"as Shade made his way
through the city.

"So dark, so hot.

"Shade and his orc sidekick
were covered in demon blood.

"But Shade didn't care.

"He didn't give a hoot,

"'cause he knew
who was waiting for him

"when he gets back home:
Serena Williams.

"Oh, yeah.

The city's about to get
even hotter tonight."

They're loving your baby.

-I'm gonna be so friggin' rich!-

That's pretty good.