All language subtitles for The.Cool.Kids.S01E03.A.Date.with.Destiny.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

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Feast your eyes, Margaret.

The Shady Meadows
Wednesday Afternoon

Wine and Cheese Half Hour.

Well, it used to be an hour,
but I had a little incident.

I got cheese drunk
and punched a busboy.

Look at all
these bodacious beauties.

Can't you just feel the heat?

Yeah, this room is humming
with sexual energy.

Oh, wait, I think it might
be that guy's oxygen tank.

Yeah, well, you just watch me
and Charlie work. We can't lose.

Actually, Hank, we can,
and we have been for months.

-Yeah, well,
the cold streak ends tonight.
-Okay.

-Here, be my wingman.
-Okay.

Uh, how you doing, little missy?

Are you my appendix?
'Cause I know nothing about you,

but my gut tells me
to take you out.

Hank, we slept together
three years ago.

Wait a minute, y-you thinking
about somebody else.

Oh, no, no, it was you.

You cried after,
a-and then you told me

that I'd never be
as good as your ex-wife.

That does sound like you, Hank.

Remember, after the divorce,
all that crying?

Marriage is complicated,
Charlie.

Marriage is complicated!

Well, shake it off.
That was just a rehearsal.

-You up, my man.
-Okay.

I'm going to take
a more direct approach.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

Hello. I'm Anne.

Uh, listen, I haven't had sex
in about five years.

And I'm betting it's probably
double that for you.

So what do you say
we solve each other's problems?

God, that was hard to watch.

It was funny, but it was hard.

You guys really need
to try the online dating.

I mean, I do very well
because, well...

...exhibit M.

It's fun.

Grindr changed my life.

It's like Postmates,
but instead of food,

you get a man delivered.

My friend Wanda found
her boyfriend online,

and they were happy until
the day she passed away.

-How'd she die?
-He killed her.

It is the one drawback
of online dating,

but other than that,
it is fantastic.

Y'all are crazy. The Internet's
not for finding love,

it's for faxing and Tetris.

Whatever happened
to approaching a woman,

buying her a drink
and assuming she owes you sex?

You really need to watch
the news more.

And you should really try
the online dating, Hank.

I think you would do much better
with people that don't know you.

I don't know this beautiful
woman over here,

but I'm about to.

How's it going, sweet pea?

Damn, Raul, get a haircut.

Well, I guess this online dating
isn't the worst idea.

Shady Meadows is scorched earth
for old Hank.

I plowed too many
of those driveways.

You're not gonna put
"plowed driveways"

in your profile, are you?

Course not.
I got more sense than that.

Well, I'm just glad that
you realized that I'm right,

because earlier, you were saying
that online dating

was for "sickos and losers."

Oh, it is. But I'm just trying
to have sex here, Margaret.

Okay. Here we go.

Name: Charlie.

About Me: I love art.

I have proof that the moon
landing was a hoax.

And I have 27 Vietnam kills.

Ooh, I wouldn't mention Vietnam.

Okay. Right, I have 27 kills.

Uh, don't talk
about killing anyone,

and I shouldn't have
to keep saying that.

Do you, Charlie.
Don't listen to these naysayers.

We are just trying to help.

Margaret and I do
very well online.

Last month, I was featured
on the home page of Grindr

due to my high number of GPWs.

That's grinds per week.

You two only cleaned up
'cause you're looking for men.

Men will have sex with anything.

Don't be jealous, Hank,

because green is not
a good color on you,

and while I'm on the subject,
neither is yellow or red

or purple.

You look bad
is what I'm saying, Hank.

We'll just see about that
once I post my profile.

Name: Hanky Panky.

Interests: Dat ass

in my hands, girl.

And... golf.

You guys, do you think
I should remove

the picture of my 11th toe?

I think you should
remove the toe.

Hank, you want me to take
your profile picture?

Nah, I'm gonna take it
in private.

Butt naked.

Ooh! I just thought
of my caption.

"Hanky Panky wants a spanky."

You were right, Margaret.

This online dating
is the real deal.

My phone hasn't blown up
this much since my daddy died.

That's terrific, Hank.

How about you, Charlie?
You drowning in cyber-booty?

No booty. In fact,
I've only gotten one response.

Hey, it only takes one.

Who messaged you?

One of my kids.

Been trying to find me
for years. I deleted it.

Yeah, buddy, that's too bad.

Well, I guess I'll go figure out
the best way to light my dong.

Well, if there is a market
for Hanky Panky's dong shots,

then I think you have nothing
to worry about, Charlie.

You keep your head up.

Ah, that's sweet of you to say,

but it may be just too late
for a guy like me to find love.

I'm gonna go help Hank
light his dong.

Oh, we need to do something.

He's our friend,
he needs cheering up.

We could take him
for an ice cream.

Or buy him a hooker.

Skipped a whole lot
of steps there.

No, we don't want him
to give up on love.

What if, what if we create

an online profile
to flirt with Charlie?

Margaret, I'm gonna tell you
what I told my baby sister

when she wanted
to become a singer.

Bitch, that's a terrible idea.

Come on. We're just gonna
build up his confidence

until he finds a real person.

It's kind of like
training wheels,

only the end result is riding
a lady instead of a bike.

Now, we got to make sure
she's Charlie's type

so that he'll take the bait.

"Hi, I'm Nadine.

"65 years young.

The moon landing was filmed in
Hollywood by Stanley Kubrick."

You got to sex that up, honey.

All men are pervs, even Charlie.

Ooh, I know.
Give her a mysterious name.

Something like Destiny.

There's nothing mysterious
about the name Destiny.

She's a stripper,
mystery solved.

* She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes *

* When she comes,
she'll be coming... *

Whoa! No dancing.

Whoa, hey. Hey, gang.

Guess what?

My profile got a response
last night, and it is a doozy.

Oh. So somebody messaged you
and now you're happy.

Tell us all about
this dream girl.

Ah, well, every single thing
about her is...

...beautiful.

Even her name. Destiny.

Say what, now?

Oh, my, my, her name is Destiny.

Oh, she sounds mysterious.

And sexy.

Exactly what a man would want.

So did you hear
from anybody else?

-You get any other bites?
-Ah, yes actually.

Some Nadine lady...

...claiming that the moon
landing was filmed in Hollywood.

What an idiot.

Everybody knows it was filmed

in an airplane hanger
in Southern Utah. Duh.

Well, it sounds like you have
a lot to talk to her about.

Nah, she's garbage.

Listen to this message
that Destiny sent me:

"Dearest Charles, when I am done
having my way with you,

our loins will be"--
get this-- "obliterated."

Oh. Wow, obliterated loins.

-Yes.
-I wouldn't have ever taken you

for the kind of guy
that liked that sort of smut.

Oh, well, Margaret,
let's not confuse smut

with well-written erotica.

And also, look at this one.

She said, she said,
her hands were tired

so her boobies typed this.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

That doesn't even
make any sense.

Well, it makes perfect sense.

It makes perfect sense
to me, too.

Boobies can't type, dum-dums.

Maybe not yours.

Well, anyhoo, I just wanted
to share the good news,

and to thank you for introducing
me to online dating.

You were right, Margaret.
It's fantastic.

Oh, way to go. Way to go,
Charlie. Yay! Ha, ha.

What the hell, Sid?

You created the Destiny profile?

Oh, sounds like
somebody's jealous

that Charlie chose my girl
over your moon nerd.

"Your girl"?

Aren't you getting
a little caught up in this?

I'm not getting
caught up in squat.

It's not like I created
an elaborate backstory

of Destiny's strict
Southern upbringing

as an oil man's only daughter
in rural 1950s Kentucky,

when everybody in town knew
damn well Pappy wanted a boy.

Wow, what a backstory.

Why Kentucky?

-Well, Margaret, in the 19...
-I don't really care!

Remember, we're trying
to help Charlie here,

we are not writing a porno
version of Gone with the Wind.

Well, why can't we do both?

Oh. Sid, promise me
you won't do anything else

without running it by me first.

Oh, Margaret,
I wouldn't dream of it.

* Hank! Hank, Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank, Hank *

* Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it... *

I'm in love with a woman
named Destiny.

* Jump on it, jump on it,
jump on it, ow... *

So Hank, you're telling me
that you messaged a woman

named Destiny last night,
and she wrote you back?

Oh, she sure did.

And she typed it-- get this--
with her butt cheeks.

Well, love is in the air.

Sid, let's go play
a little game of pool.

I don't want to play pool
with you. You take my money

and then you poke me
with that stick. Oh!

Why did you message Hank back?

Relax, Margaret,
I'm just having a little fun.

When I'm on Grindr, there's
no romance or witty banter.

It's just,
"Wham, bam, thank you, Sid."

But now,
the conversation is flowing,

the boys are happy.
What is the harm?

Do I really have to say it?

You are catfishing
your two best friends,

posing as a woman who types
with her milkers and her dumper.

-And the problem is?

You're not gonna be able
to land this plane, Sid.

They're gonna figure it out.

Hey, Hank, what has two thumbs,
11 toes and found a girl online?

-This guy.

Well, let me hit my contact up
over there at Applebee's...

-Okay.
-...'cause guess what?

Me and you are going out
on a double date!

-Yeah!
Ha, ha!

Old Hanky Panky has
narrowed it down

to one very special woman,
and her name is...

Destiny.

I got to go to the barber-- uhp!

My-my sweetie's name
is Destiny, too.

Oh, that's a common name.
End of that conversation.

Uh, anybody like volcanoes?

-Wait a minute,
where's your Destiny from?
-Kentucky.

No volcanoes there, which brings
me back to volcanoes.

Wait a minute,
my Destiny's from Kentucky, too.

Have you met your girl yet?

Not yet.
But we have plans to meet

as soon as she gets back from...

...auditioning
for the Rockettes?

God, I hope
they both make the cut.

: Or it's gonna be
one awkward night at Applebee's.

Man, we're dating
the same woman, Charlie.

Oh, that's impossible.

I mean, how could
she like us both?

-We're total opposites.
-Well, you got that right.

You're a crusty, burned-out
ex-hippie and I'm DTF.

Dark, tall and fun.

That's not what DTF means.

Fun? You could be
in a personality contest

all by yourself
and come in third.

Stop it, stop it, stop it,
both of you.

You're just horny.

Hank, you said you had lots
of women in your inbox.

Date one of them.

Well, I lied.
Didn't nobody message me back.

I came on too strong
with my dong pics.

Destiny's the only one
who liked my pic.

I'll bet.

Well...

...I've heard enough.
I'm messaging Destiny.

What? No, I'm gonna message
Destiny, right now.

-Oh! Ooh! Excuse me.

Excuse me,
I got a bad case of the toots.

Talk about volcanic eruptions.

This is bad.
This is really, really bad.

Uh-oh. I know
what's happening here.

You're feeling guilty

because this was all your idea,
aren't you?

Now you look angry.

But you're angry at yourself.

Ooh, you're angry at me.

Destiny would be happier
with me.

I'm smart, I'm funny.

Stop it, you guys.
You are friends.

Well, Margaret's right.
This ends right here.

-Thank you.
-With a good old-fashioned
fistfight.

-What?
-That is the best idea

you've ever had, you old fart.

-What? You're older than me.
-Yeah, but I'm not a fart.

They're fighting
over me, Margaret.

Ow. You got an elbow
like a praying mantis.

You guys, stop it.
You cannot fight.

Charlie, you need a tool
to help you put your socks on.

Oh, no, we're fighting.
Two hours, dining hall.

Right after Judge Judy
and before Judge Joe Brown.

Okay. See you there.

Can't wait to update
my profile to 28 kills.

-I think they bought it.
- Yeah.

And they have no idea
that we know they're Destiny.

Yeah, this'll teach them
not to leave

their laptops laying around.

Do you want to hit them
with one more?

Okay, okay, um...
I hate you, Hank Henderson!

You will rue this day!

Rue this day!

Rue you, bitch!

I'm about to get nose-deep

in Destiny's magical
typing boobies.

This is awful.

They're about to beat the crap
out of each other

and it's all our fault.

What are we gonna do?

The only thing we can do.

Hear me out.

No, Sid. Absolutely no.

-Well, at least
let me explain it.
-Oh, I got it.

You're dressed as Destiny
and now you're gonna go try

and talk the boys
into being friends again.

Okay, it's clear, then.
So what's the holdup?

There is no way in hell that
anybody is ever gonna believe

that you are Destiny.

Look at you.

Well, you haven't even heard
the voice yet.

-:
It was...
-No, Sid!

No. You are a 66-year-old
four-foot-ten man

that Hank and Charlie hang out
with every single day.

This is not gonna work.

What's your idea then?

Just fess up
to the whole damn thing?

Our friends will
hate us forever.

Well, that's why
they can't ever find out.

We're gonna go to that fight,
as us, in our regular clothes,

and we are gonna tell them
how stupid they are acting

over a woman
they've never even met.

Well, fine. But I know my
Destiny would've had them

eating out of the palms
of her tiny, feminine hands.

Why do you even
have this wig, anyway?

Can I live, please?

All right, Sean,
your grandmother tells us

you're a great actor.

Well, I just booked
a dental floss commercial,

so you tell me.

-All right.

So here's the deal:
you're gonna come in,

you're gonna arrest us, right?

Scare the hell out
of our friends, they confess,

you get your 50 bucks, and you
get to go home to your wife.

-I don't have a wife.
-That's smart.
Marriage is complicated.

Uhp, here they come.
Places, people.

-You've got this, Sean!

You don't scare me, Hank.

I ate a man's nose in Nam,

and then I asked him how
he liked the smell of my guts.

Yeah? Back in the day,
I used to have suckers begging

for their mamas,
then I'd bang their mamas.

-You guys, stop!
-Never!

Oh, well, we tried.
I'll go get the wig.

:
Fight! Fight! Fight!

Maybe we should
just let them go.

I mean, they're old men,
how bad could it be?

You made the classic blunder.

You brought a fist
to a knife fight.

Break it up, you two!

We've got a 1099 in progress.
That's right.

Two old guys fighting
over a woman. That's right.

Put me through
to the commissioner.

They're putting him through
to the commissioner, Margaret.

We'll be jailed for cybercrimes.

Calm down, Sid.

No, th-they'll put me
in the big house.

Look at me,
I'll get eaten alive.

You'll be fine.

That's right,
you're both under arrest.

For illegal knife-fighting.

I'm gonna power this taser
up to a thousand volts.

That's right.

The highest amount of volts.

No, no, no! No, no, no,
you'll kill them!

No, it was me!
I did it, I'm Destiny!

I never meant to hurt y'all.

We were just trying to help,
but we-we got carried away.

Tell them, Margaret.
Tell them that we did it.

They know
that we're Destiny, Sid.

They're just messing with us.

What?

I'm more confused than the night
I conceived my son.

This cop, he's a fake.

And a really bad actor,
by the way.

Um, wow.

:
That's right.

You called in
a 1099. That's a tax form.

See this walkie-talkie here?
Fake.

It's not hooked up to anything.

His little taser here? Fake.

See? This knife here? Fake.

No, no, no, no, no!

-No, no...

You got the first two right,
but the knife is real.

-Oh!
-That's right.

Ow...

So then we found Sid's computer
open, and we figured

we'd teach y'all a lesson
about messing with your friends.

Well, it worked. I'd already
picked out my prison name.

I settled on Buzzsaw.

I figured I'd be working
with a lot of wood.

Well, I'm just sorry
things got so out of hand.

We didn't want you to give up
on love, Charlie.

There's still
somebody out there for you.

And Hank, well...

You trailed off there.

I did, didn't I?

Well, it was a wild ride,

but the good news is
nobody got hurt.

Is someone gonna drive me
to the hospital?

Oh. Well, I am the one
that stabbed him, so I suppose

I should do the right thing
and call him an Uber.

Don't worry, Sean,
we'll, uh, pay you double.

-A hundred bucks.
-A hundred bucks?

It's not like he got shot.

Seven minutes, Sean.
It's a blue hatchback.

That's pretty good.

You've made the cut
with The Cool Kids.