All language subtitles for The.Cool.Kids.S01E01.Pilot.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_eng

Only on Fox.

Okay, boys,
this one's for Jerry.

May he rest in peace.

One for me, one for you,
and one for you.

D-Do not peer pressure me.
I haven't taken my pills yet.

Do you know what happens
when you mix

prescription drugs and alcohol?

Yeah, a good time.

I wouldn't do it.
I once mixed six tabs of acid

with some New England
hard cider.

Long story short,

I can't eat apples
with my clothes on anymore.

Let's raise a glass.

Jerry, what can I say?

You were the most ornery,
foul-mouthed,

mentally deranged son of a bitch
I ever met, and thank God I did.

-We're gonna miss you, old pal.
-Yeah, we are.

-To Jerry.
-To Jerry.
-To Jerry!

So, should we talk replacements?

Have you lost your mind?

Well, it is a prime seat.
We got to move fast.

Now, look, guys, you know
we can never replace Jerry.

The man was a legend.

So I say we honor his legacy

the way it should be honored,
with an empty seat.

Do you mind?

It has been a bitch
of a morning.

Uh, hey, baby, you must be lost.

Don't start, flyboy.

I'm not in the mood
and I am not interested.

Look, lady, I don't know
who you are,

but you can't sit there.

Why not? Who are you guys,
the cool kids?

Damn straight we are.

:
You...

Really?

Him? Wow.

I don't know
where you came from,

but you can't sit
wherever you want.

You got to be invited.

He's right. You have
to earn that spot.

Fine. I'll arm wrestle
you for it.

-Fine.
-Wait, wait, S-Sid. Ooh.

Did better than I thought.

Look, you gots to go.

That seat belongs to Jerry.

Is that right?
Where is this Jerry?

Good morning, Shady Meadows.

I'm sorry to announce
that Jerry Walsh

passed away yesterday.

There'll be free balloons
and a cheese plate

available in his memory.
Have a nice day.

Jerry?

What is your problem?

Why you want to sit
at our table so bad, anyway?

You know, honestly, I don't,

but then you told me
that I couldn't.

So now you are gonna need
a hearse to drag me out of here

because nobody tells me
what to do. Nobody.

You want me
to arm-wrestle her again?

I think I'm getting
a second wind.

That woman is violent.

I think she broke my elbow.

Times sure have changed.

I mean, in the '50s,
a woman wouldn't dare

just come sit at our table
like that.

In the '50s, you wouldn't have
been allowed in the restaurant.

I'd have been allowed in,
but I'd have had

:
to talk like this.

Plus, she disrespected Jerry.

And speaking of Jerry,

we need to talk
about his memorial service.

Why do we have to talk about it?
Aren't they gonna give him one?

A cheese plate and balloons
is not a service.

-Jerry liked to party.
-Yeah.

He would want something epic.

You know, like kegs and a DJ,
fireworks,

people getting butt naked
up in here.

We need to throw something
like a Burning Man.

You want to burn a man?

No, it's a sex festival
in the desert.

I go every year.

Well, Allison is not gonna
let you throw a party.

She runs this place
like Alcatraz.

Don't worry about Allison.
We gonna go around her.

Yeah, but a party like that's
gonna cost a lot of dough.

Money? Oh, that's not
gonna be a problem.

Well, why? You came
into some scratch?

Well... I got this.

Is that Jerry's credit card?

How the hell did you get
Jerry's credit card?

Well, how does
anything happen, Hank?

You're not the only one
with good ideas.

Why is this still loose?

Hey, do you know
where the supply closet is?

No, nuh-uh.
Do you know how to fix a table?

Psst! Come on, over here.

Hurry up, man, come on.

Sorry to be so sneaky,
but you probably do this

-all the time.
-Not really.

Okay. Can I get
your credit card?

Yes, you may.

And, uh, I am Mr. Jerry Walsh.

Okay. And a photo ID?

Say what now?

I mean, obviously,
you're old enough.

It's just company policy.
Is that gonna be a problem?

No, that's not gonna be
a problem.

I mean, why would it be
a problem? : You know.

I'm sure I got it here
somewhere... somewhere.

:
Run!

Run? I haven't run in 30 years.

You can do it.

No, actually, I can't.
I've got three fake hips

'cause of a bet I lost
to that doctor in Costa Rica.

All right, look, on my cue,
we're gonna snatch

that credit card
and make a break for it.

-I'm sorry. Where were we, now?
-Just to let you know,

I could hear everything
you guys were saying.

Run!

You don't have to run.

I'm not gonna chase you.

What are you guys
trying to do to me?

I mean, it feels
like it's becoming personal.

Is it personal?

Did I do something
to offend you?

Well, you took our credit card.

You know, some of us
aren't retired, Hank.

Some of us are trying
to keep our jobs.

That sounds
like a "you" problem.

No. Actually,
it's a "you" problem.

Actuallyactually,

it's a "you and you and you"
problem.

Because of you three,
I've got higher blood pressure

than half the people in here.

That sounds
like another "you" problem.

I'm sorry about Jerry.

But if we threw a rager
every time a person died,

this place would look
like Bourbon Street.

Bourbon Street's okay.
The best streets are...

few blocks over.

What I'm saying here, Sid,

is that people want peace
and quiet.

Peace and quiet?
I'm gonna have plenty

of peace and quiet
when I'm dead.

I want to party.
Jerry wanted to party.

And nobody wants to party with
balloons and a cheese plate.

What's so bad about that?

Jerry hated cheese.
The man was lactose intolerant.

I don't know what to tell you,
Hank. The rules are the rules.

You don't like them,
you can leave.

You do realize
you're all here voluntarily.

What? We are?

Yes. It's a retirement
community, not an insane asylum.

My kids are liars.

Well, voluntary or not,
the rules stink.

And what qualifies you

to come up
with these rules anyway, missy?

I went
to Harvard Business School.

I never heard of it.

You've never heard of Harvard?

:
Oh, Harvard!

I thought you said "Barnyard."

I can't hear a thing today.

That's a great school.

All right, guys,
time to get out of my office.

Well, if you're not gonna
let us throw a party,

at least move what's-her-face
from our table.

Who? Margaret?

No, she can sit
wherever she wants.

There's nothing
I can do about it.

Oh, I get it.

So you're saying
there's nothing youcan do.

-Right.
-So you want us to handle it.

That's what you're saying.

That's not at all
what I'm saying.

Ah, it's cool.
I hear you, baby.

I feel like you don't.

Ah, I got it. Say no more.

I feel like I should.

Mm. Let's roll, boys.

Walked right
into that one, Harvard.

You want me to flirt with her?

I don't think I can do this.

You want that woman sitting
at our table forever?

Trust me, this'll work.

But it should be you or Charlie
or at least somebody straight.

Sid, only a gay man
can hit on a woman these days.

If I so much as bump
into the side of a tata,

I could wind up in jail
for six years.

I did six years in jail.
Wasn't so bad.

-I was in the best shape
of my...
-Charlie.

Now, Sid, your mere presence
makes most people uncomfortable.

Now, all you got to do
is, is take that

and dial that up to,
like, an 11.

She'll be running
to another table in no time.

Fine. Here goes nothing.

I'll take off my glasses
so I look more butch.

Well, hello, little lady.

Are you all right?

Do you mind if I join you?

How can I resist?

-Where are your friends?
-Well, they're not hiding,

if that's what you're asking.

I wasn't.

So, I know a man is not supposed

to say these things when sitting
with a woman these days,

but if you really want
Jerry's seat,

I know a way you can earn it.

Through me.

Really?

What would I have to do?

Well, you know, uh,

man-woman stuff.

I don't know.

Why don't you give me
the details?

Well, you know, when a...

man takes a woman
and unhooks things and...

...takes liberties
with her person.

You know the rest.

No, still lost.

He puts his lips on things,

and-and his hands go everywhere.

Cheese and crackers,
don't make me keep saying it!

Well, all right.

Why don't we go back to my room

and you can show me instead?

No, I think I made myself
perfectly clear.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I want you to showme.

Come on, lover boy.

Get up.

Well, maybe this will work out
in our favor.

I mean, if you slept with Sid,

would you really want
to sit next to him all day?

It's Sid I'm worried about.

If she goes anywhere near his
penis, his heart could explode.

I've seen
a man's heart explode once.

It's not pretty.

When did you see
a man's heart explode?

How you gonna see that?
It's inside his body.

Well, it-it came out!

Way out!

All right, all right, Charlie,

I'm gonna stop asking you
questions.

So, three hours later,

I wake up on the floor

next to a longshoreman,
with a rubber tube in my hand.

And I'm thinking to myself, "Did
he get the enema or was it me?"

-My God!

-I've been there!

What the hell is this?

Oh, speaking of enemas,

look who just showed up.

You told her, didn't you?

I'm sorry, Hank.
She knew what I was doing

and she flipped it on me.

You were supposed
to scare her away,

not swap booty stories with her.

She found my weakness.

Come on, Sid, let's go.

No, actually...

I want to stay.

You want to what?

I want to hear
the end of the story.

Plus, I wouldn't mind hearing
the first part of that story.

I can't believe you guys.

You want to sit here eating
chips with this seat stealer?

Then you go right ahead.

I hope your guacamole tastes
like betrayal.

$75!

Do I hear $75

for a chance to sit at the best
table in all of Shady Meadows?

$75.

Dudley? No, man.

You must be kidding me.

Hank, what's all this about?

Well, since you all
are disrespecting Jerry,

I decided I'm gonna auction off
your seats

so I can raise money
to pay for his memorial service.

What? You can't sell our seats.

$90.

$95.

$100.

-$110.
-$115.

$1 million.

That's too steep for me.

I'm out.

You know you don't have
no million dollars.

Well, not on me.
But if you got a shovel,

we can go out to the desert.

Who is this fossil?

That's Phillips.
That's his chair now.

He paid $11 for that seat.

I don't need this!

I'm out of here!

No refunds, Phillips!

Woman, you are working
my last nerve.

Hank, maybe it's time
to let it go.

We're not gonna have
a big party.

We're just gonna sit here,
eat cheese, break wind,

and stare at Jerry's ashes.

Wait, hold up now. Ashes?

They can't cremate Jerry.

-Why not?
-The man is Irish.

And the Irish like
their dead bodies in a open box

in the middle of a bar.

Then they drink whiskey,

then they sing songs,
then they fight each other.

Sometimes they fight
the dead body.

:
What the hell are you saying?

I'm saying
we got to hop in a cab

and go on down to that morgue

and get Jerry
the hell out of there.

Have you lost
your ever-loving mind?

We can't do that.

Plus, no cab driver will let you
transport a dead body.

I did it all the time when I was
a rickshaw driver in Bangkok.

Charlie,
I'm gonna take my thumb,

I'm gonna push it on
your eyeball

till it pops out your ear.

Now, does anybody here
have a-- have a car?

I can drive you guys.

Ah, hell, no. Anybody else?

I can drive if you guys tell me

what I'm seeing out
the windshield.

It's your life.

Okay, fine, but this doesn't
make us friends.

And I'm driving.

-Watch your blind spot.
-All right.

-She's braking.
-Mm-hmm.

Pull over...

Man, Sid, why you got
to sit like that?

You're blocking my view.

Well, I can't see out the window

if I sit in the seat.

Margaret's blocking myview.

Do you have to see out
the front window?

It's a car; they have windows
on the sides.

I get motion sickness.

I'm scared I'll spit up.

Don't you spit up on me.

You really have to slow down,
Hank.

You're going too fast.

Well, it's too late
for all that.

They're probably popping Jerry
in the oven

-as we speak.
-Oh.

And that said,
how fast am I going?

Which one of these dials
is your speedometer?

I don't know.

You don't know how to read
your own speedometer?

It's not my car.

Well, whose car is it, then?

It's that Dudley guy's;
I swiped his key.

I thought you said
you had a car.

I said I could drive a car.

I never said that I had one.

-So I'm driving a stolen car.

Oh, Lord,
we're getting pulled over.

I told you to slow down.

Oh, this is no good.

A black man in a stolen car
with a white woman?

All right, everybody just relax,
act like we have Alzheimer's.

Well, the good news is they
bought your dementia story.

The bad news is,

Jerry has seen better days.

Oh, I don't know. I think
he looks good in red.

Woman, don't you start with me.

This is all your fault.

From the moment
you came up in here,

ain't been nothing but trouble.

'Cause of you, Jerry will never
get his open casket.

Why don't you just flip the lid?

Eh, don't you touch him.

Don't you touch him.

Shoot, knowing you,
you're liable to drop him.

- No!

Oh.

Boy, you don't see that
every day.

Maybe I can find a broom,

we could sweep him into
a little zip-it bag.

The-the dag zip-it?

They put the zip-it
a thunda snug.

He's talking gibberish.

-I-Is he having a stroke?

He might be. I say it's best
we all just walk away.

We aren't getting the Jerry
pieces back in the bottle.

Get-- Bring-bring--
get-get the glue

with-with the thing on it, man.
Oh, Lord.

Okay, Jerry,
I'm gonna rent a cannon,

then we'll tuck you inside,
then I'm gonna blast you

right upside that woman's head.

You know, Hank, I think
it's time to let it go.

You know, when I was in
the Navy,

I had a little saying:

"When the sea gets choppy,
don't go on the boat."

Of course,
the sea is always choppy,

so I got
a dishonorable discharge

for dereliction of duties.

I had a whole different saying
about the Navy.

But now's not the time
or the place.

Now, Hank, my point is that

I don't think you're mad
at that woman.

And I don't think you're mad
about Jerry's party.

I think you're scared.

We all are.

'Cause one day it's gonna be
about our crappy party

and who gets to sit
in our seat.

And just like that...
we're forgotten.

You know, Charlie,

that's the most lucid thing
I've ever heard you say.

Thank you.

And you are 100% incorrect!

You guys remember when I lost
my wife to the big man upstairs?

I thought your wife left you.

She did... for the retired

football player who lived
in the penthouse.

See, that's when I moved
in here and I met you guys.

I tell you what, Jerry,
even at my lowest,

he showed me that life
could still be fun.

And if I'm scared,
maybe I'm just scared

that it's not gonna be any fun
around here anymore,

now that Jerry's gone.

Well, maybe we don't need Jerry
to have fun.

Hell, we had one heck of a day
with that woman.

Jerry never got us arrested.

Yeah, he never stole a car,
and that was fun.

Yeah, but that woman,
she just gets under my skin.

Well, Jerry got under
everybody's skin.

He used to replace
my beta blockers

with boner pills.

It was a joke.

Not to my poor little pecker.

Okay. Okay, Sid.

What the hell is that?

Oh, I'm sorry,
you guys can't come in here.

You have to be invited.

I'm just kidding.

Surprise.
Here's your party.

This was you? You did this?

You're welcome.

How? What did you tell Allison?

Well, I said,
: "Please let me throw

"this party for the boys.

"I mean, I'm here all alone
and nobody likes me very much.

Please."

-And that worked?
-No.

So I slipped her a sleeping pill
and knocked the bitch out.

See?

She's way more fun than Jerry.

You know, I talked everything
over with the guys,

and despite their objections,

I think you should take
Jerry's seat.

-Well, I accept.
-On a probationary basis.

Just as long as you know,
I'm still

gonna be calling
the shots around here.

Well, we'll-we'll see
about that.

What-what do you mean by
"we'll see about that"?

-Never mind.
-What? No, I changed my mind.

-We shouldn't be doing this.
-Ah.

You know, I think I might
take your chair.

I believe it has a better view.

N-N-N-N-N-No. Nah. Uh-uh.

She can't put the, put-put the,
put the thing

on the, on the moova.

So there I am,

halftime at the Super Bowl
operating camera five,

and I-- and over my headset
I hear, "Cut to Janet Jackson."

Excuse me, Ms. Walsh?

Oh, you can call me Jerry.

I hate to bother you, but your
credit card has been declined.

Oh, no, there must be
some mistake.

I've tried it several times.

All right.
Well, hold your horses.

I'll get you a different c-card.

I'm gonna go, uh, get my--

I'm gonna-- Run!

Sir? Oh!

That's pretty good.

You've made the cut
withThe Cool Kids.