All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 03x02 - One for the Money.

(music) Thank you for being a friend

(music) Traveled down the road and back again

(music) Your heart is true

(music) You're a pal and a confidant

(music) And if you threw a party

(music) Invited everyone you knew

(music) You would see

(music) The biggest gift would be from me

(music) And the card attached would say

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)

- Hi, Rose.
- We brought dinner.

- What'd you get?
- A bucket of chicken.

I hope you like it
extra flat and crispy.

It's a pizza, Rose.

I knew that, I just meant what kind?

- Did you really know that?
- No.

But I thought I could cover.

I'm glad you're all here.
I want you to try something.

Here, taste this.

- What do you think?
- It's water.

I didn't ask you to identify it,
I asked you what you thought.

- It's good.
- Just good?

Very good.

How would you describe the taste?

- Refreshing, clear, clean...
- Would you buy this water?

- Sure, why not?
- Absolutely.

We're rich. We're rich.
It comes from the hose out back.

Move over Perrier,
Petrillo water is on the way.

- Ma...
- I know what you're gonna say.

Another one of my
get-rich-quick schemes.

This is different. I've been
working on this since noon.

Ma, when are you gonna learn
that these money-making gimmicks

of yours never work?

I'm not the only one with dreams.

I remember when we thought
catering was the ticket.

Do you remember that?

[All groaning]

Girls, this time I think we
have really hit the jackpot.

Oh, me too.

This wedding consulting business
is the smartest thing we've ever done.

I'm a little nervous about tomorrow.

I've never cooked for 300 people.

Please, in Sicily,
we did it all the time.

And we didn't have the modern
conveniences you have today.

We had to slaughter our own meat,
prepare our own seasonings,

and, if the food wasn't perfect,
after cappuccino, they shot the cook.

Ma, you're making that up.

No, I'm not. Why do you think
there are only two guys from Italy?

[Bell rings]

Oh, places everybody.

Hit it.

You know, this is boring.

I know how we could
make the time go faster.

We could sing a work song,
like they do on the railroad.

[Rose] Just follow my lead.

(music) Gonna stuff a chicken

[Blanche and Dorothy]
(music) Gonna stuff a chicken

(music) Like my mama taught me

[Blanche and Dorothy]
(music) Like my mama taught me

(music) Gonna take the chicken
down to Mississippi (music)

Rose. Rose, just stuff it.

[Door bell rings]

Who on earth could that be
at 3:00 in the morning?

Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness
with a caffeine problem.

All right. Maybe we should go see.

Yeah.

Maybe we should have a weapon.

Please, the three of you without
make up is enough to scare anyone.

- Who is it?
- [Woman] It's Priscilla.

Priscilla?

Priscilla! You're getting married
tomorrow. You should be in bed.

- There's not gonna be a wedding.
- The hell there isn't.

Sorry, dear, you were saying?

Ramone and I had a fight.

I decided I'm not gonna marry him.

Oh, honey, now that's ridiculous

to call off your wedding
because of a silly little argument.

- What did Ramone do?
- He slept with my best friend.

We're gonna eat chicken
for the rest of our lives.

Oh, Priscilla, I'm so sorry.

Listen. Be grateful he got it out
of his system before the marriage.

It'll give you something
to make him feel guilty about.

Most women go through three,
four years of marriage

for ammunition like that.

[Telephone rings]

Hello, Miami Mom's Catering.

- It's Ramone.
- Tell him he's scum of the earth.

She says that you are
the scum of the earth.

But she said it with
a lot of love in her eyes.

- He says he's sorry.
- Do you hear that?

Darling, he's sorry. So I guess
that settles everything, okay?

We'll see you at your wedding.

Girls! Wait a minute.

We're talking about the sacred
institution of marriage here.

Are you willing to sacrifice
the happiness of these two kids

- for the almighty dollar?
- [All] Yes.

I just want to be sure
we're in agreement.

Ramone, I'm gonna
put Priscilla on now.

I... just talk to him.

Hello?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Okay. Goodbye.

We're back together.

Sometimes when you really
talk things out like that,

you can solve anything.

I can't thank you ladies enough.

We're so much in love. Ramone
can't even wait until tomorrow.

- Oh, isn't that sweet.
- We're eloping to Las Vegas.

- You're what?
- He's booking the flight now.

- Congratulations, darling.
- Congratulations?

Listen, we were going to give
you your wedding gift tomorrow,

but since we won't see you,
why don't you take it home tonight.

Thank you.

[Blanche] Good night.

Dorothy, are you crazy?

We're gonna lose a fortune
on this wedding.

And you let her march out that
door with your best piece of crystal.

Hello, police?
Yeah, I'd like to report a robbery.

But that wasn't a scheme, Sophia,
that was a legitimate business.

And we lost our shirts.

That's the beauty of this
water thing. You can't lose.

It's a rip off, pure and simple.

That's why the French
were first to come up with it.

Sophia, why are you
so obsessed with money?

Because I wanna buy
a TV for my bedroom.

Ma, we have a perfectly good
TV set in the living room.

But you never let me watch what I like.

I wanna make sure I don't
miss that final episode

of MASH I've been hearing
so much about.

Sophia, honey, that show
hasn't been on in years.

Is Hotel still on?

Yes.

Hotel is still on and MASH isn't?

How gullible do you think I am?

Do I look like Donna Rice?

You know, Ma, I seem
to remember another time

you were trying to make extra money
so you could buy a TV set.

Do you happen to be talking
about Brooklyn, April 1954.

You remember that, but you don't
know that MASH is off the air.

Shut up and stroll
with me down memory lane.

I'd taken in some sewing.

It was a couple of weeks before Easter.

- I'm home.
- Call the New York Times.

What's for dinner?

Pierre is writing today's selections
on the blackboard in the kitchen.

- [Salvadore] Ow, my tooth!
- Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Stay away from the food
on the table, it's wax.

[Knock on door]

Hi, Ma.

Dorothy, I didn't know you were coming.

- Did you bring the kids?
- No, I wanted to talk to you alone.

- Sal, Dorothy's here.
- [Sal] Did she bring the kids?

Hi, Pop. No, the kids are at home.

[Sal] Hey, what the hell is this?
I thought dinner was in the oven.

- There's nothing but a tin plate.
- Take the foil off the top.

It's something new.
It's called a TV dinner.

[Sal] The wax fruit looks better.

Ma, I need to ask you a favor.

I wanna get a part-time job
and I was wondering if you could

watch the kids two days a week.

Stan lost his job.
I told you that yutz is a deadbeat.

Stan did not lose his job.

His job, he could afford to lose.

A novelty salesman. The novelty
would be if he made a sale.

[Sal] Don't listen to your mother.
There's a big market for novelties.

That plastic dog doo we snuck
into Charlie's lunch pail, was a scream.

I'll bet his cocker spaniel
will catch hell for that tonight.

Lucky me. I'm married
to the Noel Coward of Canarsie.

I just want to pick up
a couple of extra dollars

so we can buy a television set.

- No.
- What?

No, I won't watch the kids.

But you love it when the kids
come over for a visit.

That's not the point.
Don't throw away money.

This TV thing is just a fad.

[Sal] Hey, did you know this
turkey comes with stuffing?

Ma, TV is not a fad.

Otherwise Swanson would have
called those radio dinners.

I told you, no.

[Sal] I didn't know these
were mashed potatoes.

They don't have lumps like yours.

You want lumps, Salvadore,
I'll give you lumps.

Ma, I cannot believe you are so
old-fashioned in your thinking.

I said no and it's no. I'm
too busy to have this argument.

Fine. I'll just leave
the kids with Stan's mother.

Over my dead body.

That gorilla scares the children.

Michael didn't sleep for a week
after he saw her last time.

Ma, that is enough.

One way or another, I am going
to earn that money for the TV.

[Sal] Sophia, would you just tell her

so your husband can
enjoy his meal in peace.

- Tell me what?
- [Sal] These peas taste like fresh.

But you can't mix them
with the mashed potatoes.

They should have a tunnel
running from the pea compartment

to the mashed potato compartment.

Ma, what is Pop talking about?
What should you tell me?

All right, all right.

It's your tenth anniversary,

your father and I decided
to buy you a TV set as a gift.

- Ma, you can't afford that.
- That's why I'm doing alterations.

Think I need a wardrobe this
size to go to Mulberry Street

and squeeze a zucchini?

[Laughing] Oh, Ma.

What's so funny?

I lied.

I wanted the job so we could
buy Pop a TV for his birthday.

Then it's settled. You buy
us one, we'll buy you one.

- It's a deal.
- Sure.

Then your father can
watch the Friday night fights

with your yutz of a husband,

you come here and watch
Person to Person with me,

and maybe once a week the
whole family can come over

and watch that new show,
Make Room for Daddy.

Thanks, Ma.

- Where are you going?
- Get some air.

- We got air in the house.
- I like beer with my air.

- [Sal] You wait up for me?
- Don't I always?

- [Sal] I love you.
- I love you, too.

I look at him, I see Errol Flynn.

- That pizza was delicious.
- The best.

There's still one piece left,
who wants it?

- I do.
- I do.

Well, I can split it three ways.

What am I supposed to do, lick the box?

Ma, you don't like store bought
pizza, you prefer homemade.

I also prefer milk
straight from a cow. I adapt.

This is awful.

Ma, if you weren't going to eat it,
why did you take it?

It's the principle. You're
always leaving me out of things.

Now, Sophia, that's not true.

The hell it isn't. What about that
dance marathon you cut me out of?

Oh, now, come on, Ma.
That was different.

There was money at stake.

We didn't even tell
each other about that.

I remember I was the first
one to arrive, remember?

And I was wearing that
blue sequined dress...

[big band music plays]

Will you quit complaining, Marty?
It's gonna be fun.

You said we're going dancing tonight.

You failed to mention
it was a dance marathon.

Well, the first prize is $1000
and I have to have that money.

I'm in desperate need
of medical attention.

- Is it serious?
- Very.

If I can't afford a new fall wardrobe,
I'll never land myself a doctor.

No offense, Marty.

You know, sometimes I don't
think you're serious about me.

Don't be silly. I love you as
much as I could any dry cleaner.

Run and get us a number. Go on.

Why, hello there, Blanche.

Well, Dorothy. Russ, hi.
What are you all doing here?

Russell and I just entered
the dance marathon.

- Really, so did I.
- Yes. It's for charity.

I thought it would be fun.

Well, have yourself a good time.
Try not to overdo it.

Blanche, what is
that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing.

Just that these things
can be a little strenuous

for a woman of your years.

Who am I, Minnie Eisenhower?

I can last just as long as you can.

[Laughing] Oh, Dorothy, please.

I think I do have a little
more endurance than you.

Blanche, we are not
dancing on our backs.

- You take that back.
- I will not.

You just implied
that I'm an old lady.

Well, honey,
I didn't mean to imply it.

I meant to say it flat out.

You know what your problem is?
You can't stand a little competition.

[Scoffing]

- Which is why you kept this a secret.
- I notice you're here too, Dorothy.

So you tried to keep it
a secret from me.

Hi, girls.

Et tu, Judas?

No, it's me, Rose.
My hair is a little different.

You two found out
about this thing too?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's right.

Let give you a little friendly advice.
You're wasting your time.

'Cause that thousand dollar
prize is gonna be mine.

When I was younger, I was
known as the dancing fool.

How old were you when they
dropped the "dancing" part?

[Drum roll]

Yowza, yowza, yowza,
ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to the thirteenth
annual Jefferson Hospital

Heart Charity Dance Marathon.
Yes, sir.

[Applause]

One word of caution before we begin.

Contrary to what some folks
thought last year,

this marathon is not part of the
Cardiac Rehabilitation program

here at the hospital.

So, if any of you toe tappers have
more than 30 percent blockage,

we implore you to leave
the dance floor at this time.

All right, now. Let's let
the dance marathon begin!

A one, two, three, four.

[Music plays]

Blanche, you're not
gonna believe this.

I twisted my ankle. I can't dance.

No, no, no, you have to.

I can't believe you'd force me
to dance all night in pain.

I mean, if you win, you said you
were gonna take all the money.

- What do I get out of this evening?
- Come here.

Let's samba.

[Slower big band music plays]

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
our charity dance marathon

is now entering its seventh hour.

Let's give our contestants
a great big hand.

[Applause]

Hi, girls, how are you holding up?

- Oh, fine, just fine.
- Terrific.

You know, this reminds me of
the big dance back in St. Olaf

to kick off Pretzel Week.

My Uncle Gunther, after the
great beer nut shortage of '21...

Foul! Send a judge over here.

This woman is trying
to put us to sleep.

You're just exhausted and
you're trying to blame it on me.

Exhausted? I'll show
you who's exhausted.

Maestro. How about something
with a little... octane.

Okay, little lady.
All right, boys! Take it away!

A one, two,
a one, two, three, four.

[Take the A Train plays]

[Blanche] Out of my way, amateurs.

[Crowd whoops]

Blanche, mind if I give it a try?

Oh, for heaven's sake, go on.

No, Dave, I better
do this by myself.

You might get hurt.

Three, four...

[drum music plays]

[Crowd whistles]

It looks like it's going
to be a long night.

[Slower music plays]

Ladies and gentlemen,
a nice round of applause

for our four remaining couples
as we enter lucky hour number 13.

[Applause]

[Announcer] And a special round of
applause for spunky Nick Montavesti.

He outran enemy fire at Iwo Jima,

but phlebitis is the enemy
he couldn't outrun tonight.

And now, it's time to tango.

[Tango music plays]

- Blanche, I can't.
- No.

- I can't go on.
- No, you have to.

Just a little while longer
and I'll have that thousand.

And you will have a wonderful
story to tell your poker club.

No, I'm sorry, Blanche. I quit.

- Don't you dare.
- No, I quit.

- No, I quit.
- Marty!

Uh-oh, ladies and gentlemen,
it looks like couple 29

is out of the competition.

And that little lady
on the dance floor

is out too unless
she can find a new partner

within the next minute.

[Laughing]

Oh, yeah?

Excuse me, sir. Listen.

Would you consider dumping your
partner and dancing with me...

Listen, sir. Excuse me.
Would you consider it if I...

[grunts in pain]

Dorothy, Dorothy!

I got a charlie horse.

- I can't make it.
- Shake it off, wimp!

I can't.

Russell, come back.
Come back here.

Come back here! Russell!

Looks like it's
just you and me, Blanche.

Rose, I'm afraid I have to leave.

- Are you in pain?
- I will be

if my wife catches me
and she just walked in.

David! David!

Ladies and gentlemen,
it looks like we have a winner.

Couple number 29!

That's me. I won. I won!

I won! I won!

Just a minute, it's not over yet.

It looks like we have another
couple re-entering the floor.

I will never forget the look
on your face when Dorothy and I

tangoed on to the floor.

And I will never forget
the look on your faces

when you were disqualified
and I won the thousand dollars.

And it was so sporting
of you to share your winnings.

With my $10 I got that
can opener I always wanted.

Don't say no, just hear me out.

- Do you think I'm cute?
- Oh, Ma.

- Just answer.
- Yes, Ma, I think you're cute.

Would you say cute
verging on adorable?

Sophia, what's this all about?

Just picture my face on this jar
filled with my tomato sauce.

We could put Paul Newman
out of business.

Ma, if you had your choice

of a spaghetti sauce
with your picture on it

or Paul Newman's picture on it,
which would you choose?

Back to square one.