All language subtitles for Son Of Zorn S01E11

We are celebrating the union
of Zorn, Defender of Zephyria,

Conqueror of the Tribes of Agon,

Decapitator of the
Dark Herdsmen of Grith,

to Edie...
Bennett.

So, by the power bestowed
by the god of war,

- I pronounce...
- I oppose this union.

- Sir Pent.
- You can't marry... a dead woman.

_

I'm sorry, honey. I know I
promised not to disembowel

anyone at our wedding, but he
was about to explode your head.

I love you, babe.

See?
I'm glad we watched that.

That's exactly how I want
my hair for our ceremony.

So, we're not
gonna talk about how Zorn

just saved you from a
murderous snake person

at your own wedding?

Oh, he was just an ex.
We went on, like, three dates.

Four if you count
the initial kidnapping.

You know, I've never seen
you look at me that way.

Would you call this
a French braid?

- No, that's a Dutch braid.
- Hmm.

I'd like to see Zorn
correctly identify a braid.

I love you, Edie, and,

- hey, I love your Dutch braid.
- Son of a...

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- Hey, Alan.
- Oh, hey, Layla. What's up?

I'm plant sitting for my aunt.
She's away this week,

and I was just wondering
if maybe you wanted

to come over tomorrow
and hang out.

Totally, yeah.
Plants and no aunts?

That sounds like my kind
of a party.

Cool. Well, I'll text you
the address.

Cool.

Oh, uh, by the way,
it's-it's a beach house, so...

- bring your swimsuit.
- Beach house?

- See you later.
- Yup.

Wait, isn't Dr. Klorpins in Zephyria?

Yeah, well, that's what he wants
the FBI to think, too...

and the CIA...
and Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

Zorn.
You're looking well.

Someone must be taking
his fish person oil.

Keeps the muscles tight
and the mind focused on eggs.

That is actually why I'm here.

Well, there's a fish guy
in room two.

- Go on. Take a suck on his oil hole.
- All right.

And this time maybe I'll let
the fish guy return the favor.

Uh, hey, Dr. Klorpins,
what-what is, uh, Zephyritol?

Oh, it's just a drug
that changes Zephyrian bodies

so that they look
like regular bodies.

And that really works?

Like on any body part?
I don't know,

just like a random example,
what about legs?

Well, does Blake Lively look like
she has tentacles under her skirt?

Then I guess it works.

Hey, uh, do you think
I could have some?

Sure, I got some free samples
here somewhere.

Let's see, scalpel...
oh, pus kit... ow!

There's got to be a better place
to store old, dirty needles.

Here you go, squirt.

Ooh, all right, well, just give
me my flu shot and a lollipop,

and let's get
the hell out of here.

Craig. Did you hear that?

Does this look like the face
of someone who didn't hear that?

You want to go check it out?

Does this feel like
the heartbeat of someone

who wants to go
check something out?

Oh.

Okay, we've got to do something.

Okay, um,
let's just stay in bed,

and if the murderer comes
in here, then I'll-I'll, like,

distract him with a cloud
of feathers,

and you make a run for it.

What are you doing?

- Nothing. I just texted Zorn.
- Okay, well, fine.

We'll just call Zorn,
let him swoop in,

and I'll just sit here
and be useless.

Ooh.

Well, looks like it was
a branch hitting your window.

Don't worry, though.
I hacked it off, uprooted the tree,

and salted the earth so nothing
can ever grow there again.

Oh, I can break a stick, Edie.

If I had known
that was the problem,

I would've taken
care of it myself.

Oh, I know you would've, sweetie.

Hey, just so you
know, Craig, she's lying.

Yeah, well, just so you know,
Zorn, you could be mean.

I hate to sound
like such a dreamer,

but there's got to be a
better way to shred documents.

Actually, the machine you use
to make your smoothies

- is technically a paper...
- Todd! No one likes a know-it-all.

Zorn. Hey, hey,
didn't you get my memo?

Hey, Blake Erickson,
the CEO of Sanitation Solutions,

is coming in from Houston
to visit our branch.

So I need everyone,
especially you,

to be on their best behavior.

That means no blasting
Blues Traveler

"'cause it's 'Run-Around'
time somewhere."

Geez, relax, man. You're
the most badass boss I know.

Why are you so worried
about this guy?

'Cause I think Erickson hates me.
Last time he was here,

I said I'd rather be
dead in a ditch than alive

watching a tennis match. Turns
out he's a huge tennis fan

and his wife was found
dead in a ditch.

Personally, I'd rather be dead
in a ditch than at a tennis match.

I agree, but please
don't say that

in front of our CEO when he
gets here.

Okay, well, shut up a second.
Zorn on the horn.

Well, well, well.
No, I'd-I'd love to help you out,

but I'm super busy
here at work, okay? Whoops.

No, he's not!
Whoever this is, he'll be right there!

Hey, sorry it took me so long.
Traffic on the freeway

was terribly hard to walk
through on foot.

Zorn, I want you to train me
to be more like you.

Really? You need me
to train you to hate... you?

No, I want you to train me
to be a warrior.

If I'm gonna marry Edie,
I need to be able to protect her.

Being sweet, lovable Craig
isn't enough.

I need to be tough,
lovable Craig.

She already has that man: Alangulon.
The fruit of my loins!

Zorn, I want you to picture Alan

trying to stand up
to a meth-crazed mugger.

All right, cool. I'll dust
off the old imagination here,

let me see what I got.

Oh, my God! That junkie
tore him to bits in seconds.

I mean, that was like running
a tomato through a band saw.

Why-Why did you make
me picture that?

- So you see my point, Zorn.
- Fine.

I, Zorn, will make it
my mission to train thee,

Craig,
in the ways of the warrior!

Here you go, kale salad,

- no Parmesan, extra lemon juice.
- Ooh.

B.S.! He'll have a live pig,

and don't you dare help him
kill it when it arrives.

Oh!

Wow.

Wait a second.

Only one...

- So, this is the place.
- Whoa.

Uh, my aunt can't get
pregnant and, uh, she doesn't

trust animals, so she says
her plants are her children.

Wow.

- Oh, you got aloe!
- Yeah, we got aloe,

we got drinks,
we got everything.

Aloe is the best.
Aloe vera.

You know, a lot of people
say that aloe should not

be applied to exquisite and
elegant legs such as these.

Really?

You mind if I, uh,
crack one of these off?

Hop to it.

Only the best
for the best legs.

How often do you apply?

Every day at breakfast I apply
aloe to my real, human legs.

You really do have amazing,
amazing legs.

Oh, you know what?
Speaking of...

these legs aren't
gonna tone themselves.

Mind if I hop on this?

Not at all.

Wow, you know your plants
and you can climb stairs.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, yup, I'm good.

Just a little
too much aloe on there.

Zorn, is this
really necessary?

All right, the first step
in being a warrior

is looking like a warrior.

Hey, you look, like,
so fierce, man.

Look at that.
I mean, you are no longer

Craig the Therapist.
You're more like

Craig the Psycho-Therapist.

But did you have
to rip the sleeves off?

I just bought this shirt
last week.

Warriors don't have sleeves.
We need our arms free,

you know, for
windmill punches

and raising our fists
victoriously, like this.

Yeah!
Ha-ha.

By the power of
Fullerton University Online,

Continuing Adult Education Division,

Department of Psychology
and Music.

You shall not pass!

Zorn.

Yes.

You know, I
totally thought you didn't

know how to swim, but
you're actually pretty good.

Well, I take a bath
every Sunday,

so what is that but a tiny ocean?

Yeah, you should
come back Saturday.

I'm gonna be here
all day, so...

- Oh, uh, that sounds good.
- It's cold.

Oh, you want to, uh,
wear this towel?

Thank you.

Uh... hold on a second.
Let me take that.

- Uh...
- What?

I just, uh, I just caught a...
caught a spider, yeah,

between my leg and the towel.
I got to go take care of that.

Oh, Alan,
how was the beach house?

A super magical day.

I don't want to talk about it,
though. Thanks.

Well, if you decide you do want to
talk about it, I'm here.

Come on, honey.
Let's rap.

- Kid's still say that, right?
- No, we don't, no.

Well, do you want half
of my sandwich?

No, ok... fine,
sure, don't come in.

Just shove it
under the door, okay? Bye.

These numbers are terrible, Linda.

I know. We've been
having some...

employee productivity issues.

Todd!
Where have you been?

I need that report on my
desk by the end of the day.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just playing some tennis.

It helps me concentrate.

- I'm gonna tackle the report right now.
- Tennis, you say?

Oh.
Important client.

I'll be right back.
Hey, Edie, What's up?

- Hey, have you seen Zorn?
- No.

Why? Everything okay?

Well, I'm worried about Alan.

He had a 40-minute shower cry.

I don't know much
about parenting.

I'm gonna guess gay.
Okay, got to go.

What do you think we can do
about our productivity problem?

Well, I do have some
ideas, actually...

Todd calls his mom
on company time.

Okay, warrior,
let's build up that confidence.

I'm gonna do a power poem.

Capable.

Resourceful.
Acrobatic.

Incorrigible.

Giggly?
Sometimes, yeah.

Craig!

Oh. Zorn.
Do not barge into my bathroom.

Or my bedroom.
Or my dreams.

All right, Craig, you
can become a warrior,

or you can become someone
whose privacy I respect,

but you can't become both.

Zorn, do not slap me again.
Enough is enough.

You stood up to me.
You are now a warrior.

What about learning how
to fight?

Nah, you're never gonna
be good at that, no.

Here's a little tip, though,
just sucker punch people.

Now get dressed
and drive me to work.

- Hell no, Zorn.
- That's the spirit.

But there is a time and a place,
and I really need a ride.

Has Alan seemed weird to you?
I feel like the clueless mom

- in an afterschool special.
- What, like he's on drugs?

Edie, come on.
Let's be honest with ourselves.

Alangulon's not cool enough
for anyone to offer him drugs.

No, I saw a thing on 60 Minutes

that said even lame kids
can get drugs now.

- Edie, I got to go.
- Linda.

Have you moved your desk
to work among your lessers?

You truly you are
a man of the people!

Zorn, I got demoted.

Save your sucking up
for your new boss, Todd.

What?
But you're the best boss ever.

How could this happen?

Seriously, I don't understand
corporate employment

structure, so I'm
genuinely confused here.

I was already on thin ice
with Erickson,

and then Todd swooped in
and said all the right things

and used all the right...
tennis metaphors.

Well, I mean, you know,
look at the bright side.

Now you can sit out here
in cubicles with all of us

and make Linda jokes.
Screw Linda, right, sir?

You don't need
to call me "sir."

I'm not your superior anymore.

Not my superior?
Huh.

Yeah. W-Wait a second...

not my superior...

dresses...

earrings...

seeing a gynecologist
for your penis... I...

Oh, my God.

You're a woman!

Please, okay? I just...

I need more Zephyritol.
I'm desperate.

Well... there is an old saying
in the medical community:

the first taste is free.

After that, bitch better
have my money.

- $500 to be exact.
- What?

No. Come on.
I need those pills.

I didn't just change my legs,
it changed my entire life.

I finally felt like the Alan
that I've always wanted to be.

You know? Okay, the Alan that
can just walk up to anybody

and say, "Inspect me.
You'll find nothing weird."

- Just have a heart.
- I'm West Zephyrian.

I actually don't have a heart.
There is a ghost in my chest

that scares the blood
around my body.

So give me the money,
or get ready

for some serious
withdrawal symptoms.

Withdrawal?

This site says
I should confront Alan

and demand he tell me
what's going on.

And if he refuses...
I should...

send him to Bible
reeducation camp.

What do you think, Craig?

- Craig!
- I'm sorry. It's just the sandman

has just been on my case today.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have
gotten up to investigate

every little sound last night.

Well, maybe we shouldn't
have an air conditioner

- that sounds like a man strangling Alan.
- Alan.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, me? I'm just
looking for a mint.

Why are you wearing
a pig nose?

I'm doing the pigs...
uh, factories.

Protesting the pig factories.
They are very bad, you know.

Pigs are actually smarter
than dogs, so... poof.

Yeah, I think I saw that on
someone's Facebook wall.

Can I have $500 in cash
to do an art project?

It's a really special thing
I'm working on

where I take five $100 bills

and I arrange them on a piece
of construction paper.

It's a comment on
commercialism and stuff.

- Sounds like it's a good idea.
- $500 on art?

Fine.
I guess I'll just go get it

from that guy down
at the ravine.

A couple weeks learning
about Jesus can't be that bad.

Milady.

- Milady.
- Zorn, just because I'm a woman

doesn't mean you have to stand
up every time I stand up.

- Of course, milady.
- And please stop talking to me

like some sad-ass
lute player at Ren Fair.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.
It's just, you know,

a lot to wrap my head around.

I mean, you were a
woman this whole time?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
So that time

we came to work dressed
as Lady Zorn and She-Linda...

You just showed up in a dress.
We never discussed that beforehand.

It's just, I... I feel like I lost
my best friend at work,

I mean, you were my bro.
You know? And now?

No mo' bro... you know?
I'm still the same person

- I always was, only now...
- You can't vote.

Nothing's changed.
We're still friends, or at least

I hope we can still be friends.

Who else is gonna
help me overthrow Todd?

Yeah, but I bet you
overthrow like a girl.

500 bucks.
Come on,

something around here's
got to be worth 500 bucks.

Oh. Laptop.

Fullerton Online University!

So you think you can break
into Craig's fiancé's house

where Craig lives rent-free...

and take from Craig's fiancé?

- Well, you got another thing coming.
- Stop!

- It's me.
- Craig, what are you doing?!

I'm being the guy that you can
count on for everything, Edie.

- Oh, my spleen.
- Alan.

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

I literally kicked
your ass back to Zephyria.

Well, it looks like the
Zephyritol is starting to wear off.

I mean, who would have
thought that taking strange

drugs from a cave doctor
would have consequences?

Well, we're gonna talk about all
this when your father gets here.

I called him.
He's very worried.

- Can I talk to you?
- Sure.

You kicked my
son's ass, Craig.

Edie, I thought
he was a burglar.

Look, I was just trying
to protect us, so you don't

always have to call Zorn at
the first sign of trouble.

I call Zorn because he's
a big dumb barbarian

and he's good
at dumb barbarian stuff,

like murder, maiden rescue,
car repair.

I fell in love with you because you
are all the things that Zorn isn't.

But if I can't do the things that
I do and the things that Zorn does,

then I'll never be everything
that you need.

You don't need to be everything.

You're sweet and sensitive.

- Zorn's just...
- Zorn!

Alangulon.
I have come to vanquish

your drug-related issues!

Come on, junkie. Spill it.
Tell me what you're hiding.

Dad, I'm not a junkie.

Ah. That is exactly what
a junkie would say.

I was only taking Zephyritol
to make my legs look normal.

I was just worried that
Layla wouldn't like me

because I'm, like,
well, I'm different.

Well, why do you
care if Layla loves you?

She's not the woman
who birthed you.

Edie, please.
Alangulon.

I know exactly what you're
going through.

Take a seat, son.

I recently found out something
insane about someone in my life.

Turns out this guy I was hanging
with was a woman.

A woman, Alangulon.
Just imagine my surprise.

And sure,
at first it was an adjustment,

but then I realized something.

Once you really care
about someone, that's it.

That feeling on the inside
doesn't change

just because things might
look different on the outside.

Wow, Dad. That was
actually really helpful.

Yeah, I've never heard you
say anything that deep.

I didn't know you had it in you.

No, no. I know.
Yeah, it blew my mind, too.

But it turns out that I'm
kick-ass at being sensitive.

- Especially when it comes to my family.
- Oh.

Ah, look at us. Sitting
here just like a real family.

Holding hands
and silently farting.

- Hi, Alan.
- Hey.

Or did a spider kill you?
Are you Alan's ghost?

I actually came
here to apologize

for how I've been acting
kind of crazy lately.

Did you go on Adderall
or something?

That's what made Shannon
so angry and impulsive

and good at AP Spanish.

I need to show you
something, okay?

Alan. What-what
are you doing?!

These are my legs.

- Whoa.
- I knew you'd be freaked out.

Well, kind of, only because...

you had different legs,
like, three days ago.

Well, those weren't my real legs.

I was taking these weird
Zephyrian drugs

to change them and... okay,
look, if you never want

to see me or my freakish legs
ever again, I understand.

- That's fine.
- Alan, the only thing that's

weirding me out is that
you're standing here

with your pants around your ankles.

I just feel like I need
to say sorry for not being

- honest with you.
- I like it when you're yourself.

- It's funny.
- Oh.

You know I have a-a Twitter

where I post funny things
you say and do.

It has like 450 followers.

Wow. Um, is that like a...
is that a lot?

Is that a little?
I don't really know.

- It's respectable.
- Oh.

♪ All I needed was
the love you gave... ♪

Hey, Craig,

I found those special
baby wipes you like to use

instead of toilet paper.

Ooh, you made muffins.
It smells incredible.

Oh.

My beloved Edie.

By the time you're reading this,
the only thing left of me

will be these good-bye muffins.
They're apple-carrot.

I know you won't admit this,
but it's become clear to me

that you and Zorn are the ones
who should be together.

Whatever reason you left him,

he's now changed into
the husband you deserve

and the protector this family needs.

It breaks my heart to leave,
but please don't look for me.

I know how to disappear.

P.S. Make sure to individually
wrap these muffins

in paper towels
before freezing them.

It preserves the moistness.

Zorn? Are you in here...

Oh. Hey, Edie. Hey, I just found
out Linda's a woman... twice.

Hey-o. Well, I mean,
technically, one and a half times.

You just bursting
into my apartment like that

kind of ruined the sexy vibe.

sync & correction by f1nc0
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