All language subtitles for Son Of Zorn S01E09

♪ Ah-ah... ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah... ♪

Oh, my goodness.

This is so adorable.

Is this you and Alan every year?

Yep, every Christmas
morning for the last 17 years,

Alan and I would go
to Santa's Village in the mall

and dress up like mom and son reindeer.

Yep. It's a really cool thing
that I love doing still.

You know, they should change
the name of Christmas

to "Edie and Alanmas."

But no one is gonna do that
because everyone hates my ideas.

Happy Grafelnik!

I'm Vengeful Vic. I bring tidings of
joylessness and revenge.

Don't freak out, guys.

- It's just me, Zorn.
- Grafelnik?

You're still celebrating
that dumb revenge holiday?

Yeah, I went back to celebrating
it after we split up.

Now, who wants to give me
the traditional Grafelnik

punch in the face, huh?

- I'll go first.
- Can I go second?

I'll go third,
but I have a question.

- What is Grafelnik?
- Well, as legend has it,

a long time ago,
Lord Grafelnik was trying

to reconnect with his daughter.
But she wanted to study in Europe,

where she caught the eye
of some dangerous types

and ended up
getting kidnapped.

The only person who
could get her back

was Lord Grafelnik himself.

Hey, that sounds like
the movie Taken.

No, I'm sure whatever that is,

it's totally different.
You see, Lord Grafelnik

had a very specific set of skills.
And he used those skills

to get revenge while
killing, like, everyone

and rescuing
his precious daughter.

- I am riveted.
- Oh, yeah,

you should see that movie
then; that's the same thing.

The blonde girl from Lost,
she plays the daughter.

- Maggie Grace?
- Hey, so what's in that sack?

Oh, yeah, Grafelnik snowballs!

Pretty neat, huh?

Grafelnik snowballs are rocks.

Grafelnik snowballs are rocks.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

So, you excited to spend your
first Grafelnik with your old man?

You better be,
because the revenge

- I'll bring upon you if you aren't is horrible.
- No, I'm excited all right.

Even though it's kind of like
a holiday for the little guy,

I feel like I'll still be able
to have some fun with it, too.

Mom, you're cool with me doing
Grafelnik with Dad, right?

Yeah, I think it's great you and
your dad have your own thing.

Look at you guys, celebrating
both holidays, no fighting.

For a divorced couple,
you make a great team.

Go Team Zorn and Edie!
Yay!

- Yeah, okay, Craig.
- Aye yai yai, Craig.

You know, you never think
you need to own pom-poms

until you do.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Pom-poms.

Hey, Craig,
I'm dreaming of a wine Christmas.

- I got to go.
- What? Um...

- What got into him?
- Yeah.

If he doesn't have
diarrhea, that exit was insane.

Oh, God!

Oh, Scott!

You scared a few drops
out of me, man.

Badass scooter helmet, right?

- Wow.
- Yeah.

This is my Hanukkah
night five gift.

Imagine how much
you're gonna pee yourself

when I get my Vespa night eight.

A lot.

- Wow.
- Vroom, vroom.

Vespa, leather jacket,
facial hair.

You're, like, more European

- than that German exchange student.
- Helmut?

- Helmut, Helmut.
- Helmut, that guy rocks.

- I love that guy.
- He's the best.

He just goes like, "Yah."

- "Yah."
- God! My mom would never get me

something this cool
for Christmas.

I desperately need a new phone.

- Like, actually need a new phone, right?
- Yeah, it's so old.

- It's a brick.
- What about your dad?

Yeah, my dad celebrates
something called Grafelnik.

It's like Christmas,
but not at all.

I'm supposed to meet
up with him later

and do, like, revenge or
something. I don't know.

Does it end with him
giving you stuff?

I hope so. I mean,
getting gifts is one of

- the top three perks of having parents.
- True.

Happy Grafelnik!

What the hell, Zorn?

I thought we were friends!

No, we are;
that's why I gave you

- the traditional Grafelnik greeting.
- Oh, Grafel...

Nice.
Happy Grafelnik.

Hey!

You want to get revenge on me?!

I've only been good to you,
you stupid idiot.

Zorn on the horn.

Hey, Dad. Uh...

I'm at that address you said to
go to for the Grafelnik thing.

Are you coming?

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you fell for it.

This is revenge for you
crying on all those planes

when you were a baby.

Happy Grafelnik, chump!

Ah, you got me good.
He got me!

Yeah, uh, you're
still coming, right?

- Hey, Edie, we need to talk.
- Okay.

- Sit down?
- Oh, it's a sit down talk.

Look, Edie, there are some things
about me that you don't know.

- Okay.
- Things that I thought that I could

hide forever, or at least until
after we were married,

and then it would be too late
for you to do anything about it.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm afraid of Santa Claus.

What?
No.

Yeah, Edie, it's true.

It started when I was six,
right after my parents separated.

My dad came to our house
dressed as you-know-who.

But what he didn't know was that

my mom's "friend" Hank was there.

I stood there and watched
as Santa Claus...

gave Hank a holly jolly
ass-whooping. It was not pretty.

It was like an outtake
from a Tarantino movie.

It was like my Vietnam,
without the hookers.

Group of kids coming by
singing Christmas carols...

- they saw it...
- Oh, no.

...and they ran.

He finally knocked Hank out
with my skateboard,

which is why I'm afraid
of skateboards, too.

Ever since that moment,
whenever I see Santa,

I can't help but picture
that bloody mess.

Oh... Craig.

I'm not gonna lie,
a lot of women would be

packing their bags right now.

- No!
- Yeah.

But maybe I can help you
get over your fear.

Oh, right. You think
anybody can just do therapy?

Like, it's that easy
to be a therapist?

No?
Sort of?

I don't know how to answer that.

But maybe if you tried that
immersion therapy thing,

where you just surround
yourself with the fear,

so much so that it takes
away the power of it.

You know,
that actually might work.

Geez, I guess it really
is that easy to become a therapist.

Why do I make
such a big deal about it?

- I don't know, I really don't.
- Oh, mm-mm.

- Too soon?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Alangulon, here's your
big Grafelnik surprise.

This place look familiar?

Yeah, this is that place
where that waiter

gave me a hamburger
instead of a veggie burger.

Let's just say it's time for
them to "meat" with some payback.

Ground chuck style.
80% lean.

Yeah, that didn't
really land, did it?

Should have just left it
at ground chuck, right?

Here we go!

Oh.

Happy Grafelnik!

Oh, oh!

Come on, come on,
let's get out of here!

Oh, yeah. You know what,
that was actually, like,

a pretty good reason
for an animal to give its life.

- Grafelnik is amazing.
- Well, if you like that,

you're gonna love
Grafelnik morning.

Hope you wrote your letter
to Vengeful Vic

asking for all the revenge
you want.

Question: is it possible
to put some things on that list

other than revenge?
You know, just, like,

things you would buy
in a retail store?

Wh-What, you mean like presents?

Oh, I mean, if you want
to call them that.

Yeah, well, not in the old days.

But now that they've made it
all commercial and everything,

gifts are actually exchanged
as revenge against poor people

- who can't afford gifts.
- Great.

Let me just set a reminder
for Grafelnik morning.

Phone is just so difficult to use.

This thing is, like,
three years old.

On a new model, which is
currently available in stores,

you just simply say say, "Set a
reminder for Grafelnik morning."

- Boom! And there.
- Wow, you know,

that seems like a lot of steps
to still probably forget something.

Uh, it says in the calendar here

that Grafelnik is
on December 25 this year.

Wait, hold on, Christmas and
Grafelnik are on the same day?

Well, obviously,
there's only one thing to do.

Celebrate Grafelnik
and ignore Christmas entirely!

No way.

Why don't we ignore Grafelnik
entirely, like everyone else on Earth.

Look, I want to spend
Grafelnik with my son. I mean,

every year I have to spend
it alone with my slaves.

And believe me, paying people

to pretend they love you
is not as fun as it sounds.

Okay, you know what, I'm gonna
take the high road here.

- Oh, come on.
- Why don't we compromise?

- I will take Alan from 7:00 to 9:30.
- I'm not getting up at 7:00.

Then you can have him
from 9:30 to noon.

No, no, hold on.
The Grafelnik festivities

- start at sunrise and take five hours.
- I have to get up at sunrise now?

I mean, what are we supposed
to do, cut the glombeast's

head half off and just
leave it hanging there?

It's just, I mean,
that would be funny, sure,

but actually, you know what,
that would be really funny.

We're gonna do that. But we
still need five hours, okay?

So you take the afternoon.

My son and I
are not brunch people.

- Yeah, and do I get a say here? Huh?
- Yeah, Zorn.

- Let's let him decide.
- Who do you want

to be with, Alangulon?
Let's hear it.

Mull it over. Come on.

Oh, okay, I guess that
kind of backfired.

- I got to think on this one.
- Take your time deciding!

Hey, either way, I win.
If he chooses me, I win.

And if he chooses you,
well, then I've got

someone to seek revenge
on, so I win again.

Hey, what's in that bin?

It's not Santa heads, is it?

No. It's just some
precious family memories

I want to share with Alan, so he can see

- how meaningful our...
- ...holiday traditions will be.

When Alan sees
how much fun he has

spending Grafelnik with me,

he's gonna completely
forget about Christmas.

I mean, getting revenge
on bosses, coworkers,

baristas that write "Lorn" on
your latte, even though they

know damn well no man is named
that, I mean, it's just the best.

And what if he doesn't love it
as much as you do?

Then I'll just remind him
about the high suicide rate

of fathers who are alone
during the holidays.

So you're gonna guilt him
into choosing you? I...

...don't think that's
such a great idea.

You're not helping Alan
by applying pressure.

He's not a hemorrhaging
stab wound.

And besides, you said you were
gonna take the high road.

Fine, I guess I'll just
tell him I have cancer.

- Edie!
- Skin cancer. Not a real...

...cancer, just something
that would tip the scales

in my favor, you know?

Well, as a skin cancer survivor,
I think it would totally work.

- But you still probably shouldn't do it.
- Fine.

But trust me, if I know Edie,
she's doing the exact same thing.

In fact, right at this moment,
she's probably spending

- all her energy doing...
- Craig!

That was amazing!

- Still think Santa's scary now?
- Mm, yes.

But it's gotten complicated.

Are you kidding me?

Mom's trying to guilt me
with my childhood artwork,

and Dad's sending me
videos of orgies he's

missing out on in Zephyria
just to be in America.

Well, Alan, when you're
the child of divorce,

the holidays can be rough.

When I was a kid, on
Christmas, I felt like

I was a rope in
a game of tug-of-war.

"Craig, you have to
come spend the holidays with us in Ohio."

"No, Craig, on this day,
you come stay with me

in Calhoun Falls, South Carolina."

Whoa.

For me, the holidays was
nothing but arguing.

And I could have really taken
advantage of their immaturity.

Take advantage?
Like how?

Oh, you know, pit them against
one another. Use their desire

to spend the holidays with me
to my own selfish ends.

Oh, like to get better presents?

Well, yeah, I mean, I
guess that's one example,

but it doesn't matter.
Alan, you're a good kid,

you would never do
something like that.

Oh, no.
Of course not. I would...

I would never.

Leave Mommy and Hank alone.

- What?
- Oh, nothing. I like the glitter on this one.

Cool giant head, huh?

A lot of Zephyrians
go with a fake giant head,

but you can't beat the smell
of the real thing.

Hey, uh, just so you know,
I haven't really decided yet,

but, um, I'm thinking about
doing Christmas with Mom.

Yeah, um, she said she might
get me a 4K projector.

- Pretty crazy right?
- If you like that,

how about a gold necklace
that says "Alangulon,"

that may or may not
make you taller?

Hey, so I'm thinking about

spending Grafelnik
morning over at Dad's.

Only because he said he was
gonna get me some jewelry.

He didn't specify,
but I kind of think

- it's gonna be magical jewelry, so...
- He's bribing you with gifts?

That's disgusting.

This competition is supposed
to be about who loves you more.

Right.
I totally agree.

And I know you feel Christmas
is more about

spending time together than gifts,
so I totally respect that.

Well, get ready
to respect me even more,

because you're about to
get everything you want.

Oh, well, in that case,

I guess I better get started
on a list.

Yeah.

Okay, Edie, I can't do this.
Can't we just convert to Judaism?

Scott's mom really loves it,
and we wouldn't have to do squat

on a Friday night ever again.

Honey, you can do this,
because I am here for you

and I'm not leaving your side...

for more than a few minutes.

Alan just added a food
processor to his wish list.

Okay, I'm gonna go get this.

- You'll be fine.
- I will not be!

I will not be!
It's okay, little girl.

I'm just nervous because once,
I saw Santa beat up somebody

who was having sex
with my mother.

It's not true, sweetheart.
Come on. Come.

- I can feel your heartbeat!
- I know! That's the best part!

Oh!

Yeah, it's so irregular.

Man, you get the best
Hanukkah presents.

I thank Jesus every day
Jane told my mom

that she'd leave her
if she didn't convert.

- How's your Christmas haul coming?
- Amazing.

Yeah, I'm totally pitting
my parents against each other.

- Yeah? - They're gonna
spend so much money on gifts,

they're not gonna have enough
money left over for my college.

Nice.
You know what you should do?

Get one of your parents to
buy you a helmet with a visor.

That way, when I spit
when I talk, you won't get hit.

I like that idea,
but I'm-a do you one better.

- Get your own scooter?
- No, that's, uh, two better.

- Hmm.
- I was thinking a sidecar.

Sidecar?

Oh, my God! Yes!
We could be like, uh,

uh, Gertrude Stein
and Alice B. Toklas!

Yeah, or people I know about.

But do you think your parents
would actually buy you one?

I got your big Grafelnik gift
a little early.

- You asked and you shall receive.
- Oh!

- It's a sidecar!
- What the...

- Well, it's a hover sidecar.
- I love it!

Yup, there's nothing like
the feeling of sitting

next to someone who's having
the time of their lives.

Oh, my gosh.
It just stays right there!

Well, I can't buy
something more expensive

or dangerous than this,
so I guess you win.

- Whoa!
- Edie, don't belittle my holiday

and make it about winning, okay?

- But yes, I'm very happy that I won.
- Thanks, Dad.

- This is so awesome!
- You bet, kiddo.

Oh, Edie, if it makes you feel
any better, I saw you eyeballing

those Grafelnik snowballs
the other day, so...

- Ooh.
- Happy Grafelnik!

- Hey.
- If those are more presents

- for Alan, we don't need them.
- Nope. I had to keep buying things

so that mall security wouldn't
think that I was a pedophile.

Well, I'm glad you're sticking

- with the Santa immersion therapy.
- Mm.

At least one of us
might have a good Christmas.

Ho-ho hold up.
What is going on here?

Alan's spending Grafelnik with Zorn.

I don't know how
I let myself get caught up

in that whole gift competition.
I'm so disappointed in myself.

Well, let's turn that disappointment

into an appointment with Dr. Craig.

I prescribe for you...

- ...one scoop of tuna.
- Yeah, I don't need tuna.

- I need to apologize to Alan.
- Okay.

I hope that's not
the good scooper.

Any scooper with tuna in it
is a good scooper.

Dude! I got, like, the best
gift ever. My plan worked

like a dream.
They had no idea

I was totally playing them
off of each other.

Yeah, it's as though
I were a puppet master

and they were just two people
I tricked into coming

to my dumb puppet show.

Yeah, who knows,
if I play my cards right,

next year I could probably get braces.

- Zorn, we need to talk.
- Oh, did you come here

for some pointers
on how to win at parenting?

If so, you came
to the right place.

- If not, I'm too busy.
- Alan played us

against each other
just to get presents.

No way, Edie. No, he's a
good kid. You know that.

- You raised him.
- I was shocked, too.

He usually gets confused
when he tries to lie.

But I overheard him
scheming on the phone.

What? You're kidding.
How could we be so blind?

Oh, typical Zorn...
so caught up in winning.

And typical Edie...
so focused on losing horribly.

I guess we took things
too far, didn't we?

Or maybe we didn't
take them far enough.

What if we work together to
teach Alan the real meaning of...

Christmas, Edie?
No, thank you.

I was gonna say Grafelnik.
Let's try your Taken thing.

- It's not the same as Taken!
- The point is revenge.

Ooh, I like the sound of that.

We need to teach Alan a
lesson, and I've got a plan.

Grab that hammer
and just start breaking things.

Okay, but you better be
going somewhere with this.

Ha-ha!

I would have broken
the hammer last,

but I like your enthusiasm.

You sure you don't want to go

- around the block one more time?
- Nah.

Moderation is the key
to all aspects of life.

Ooh.

- I'm gonna use the Bluetooth.
- Yeah. Um...

- Uh, uh-uh.
- Oh, there it is.

- Yo, Alan on the horn.
- Alangulon!

I need you to come to
my apartment right now!

Oh, wow, hey, am I on Bluetooth?
That is so cool.

- Everything's ruined!
- What?

God, that sounds great.

Uh...
Dad, what happened?

It was your mom.
She destroyed everything,

including my sense of safety
in my own home.

Mom? Why would...
Wait, no, why would Mom do that?

Because of you, Alangulon.

She's been trying
to win your love, and...

she's jealous because I got you
that sidecar you wanted.

Oh, my God, this is crazy.

You're right, it is crazy...
as crazy as the blind

rage of a jealous mother on
a losing streak can unleash.

Which means I have to be
even crazier.

Oh, hey, uh, let's not go...
double-crazy here, all right?

- Just...
- Ah, you know what?

If your mom is going to destroy
everything I love,

I'm gonna destroy
everything she loves!

- Dad!
- No, I mean Christmas.

I'm gonna sack Santa's Village.
You know, at the mall.

Okay.
I don't know. He's not here.

I'm sorry to rush you down here,

but he said he was gonna
sack Santa's Village,

and I'm pretty sure this is the
only one he even knows about.

Well, I'm glad we're here.
We can support Craig.

Craig!

- Oh.
- And don't worry

- about your dad. He's all talk.
- Okay.

Surrender, Santa's villagers!

I will reduce your village
to rubble in the name

of Grafelnik!
Your snowmen will die!

Your reindeer
will be slaughtered!

And your mall Santas will have

their sex offender status revealed!

Get out of the way!

Craig, watch out!

No, don't help!

It's time for me to face
my Santa fears alone!

Dad! Stop it!
These mall cops are ex-cops!

I only sack at one speed, son:

- full.
- Don't worry, Alan. I got this.

So it comes to this.

All I ever wanted was to
spend Grafelnik with my son.

Yeah, and all I ever wanted

was to spend Christmas
with my son.

Ow!
Geez, Edie.

And now your bounty
will burn as hot

as my love for Alangulon.

- What are you doing?
- Despite his inability to choose

which one of us he loves more.

- This isn't part of it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop!

- Oopsie. Too late.
- No!

Okay, uh, this has gotten
totally out of control.

I'm so sorry. I-I tried
to pit you two against

each other for presents,
and just... I'm sorry!

That's very sweet, Alangulon.
But you know what's sweeter?

Revenge!

This whole thing is fake,
you dummy!

- What?
- Uh, yeah!

That's what you get for trying
to manipulate your parents!

- So these terrified kids are actors?
- Uh, well, no.

But one bad experience isn't gonna

ruin them for the rest of their lives.

That did not work.

All right, I'll admit it.

I was skeptical of Taken,
but I'm won over.

And yes, I do see tonal similarities
between the two narratives.

So, I just talked to
the people from the mall,

- and we don't have to pay for anything.
- Hmm.

Turns out, they
celebrate Grafelnik, too.

Apparently, the entire mall
was built to take revenge

- on small family-owned businesses.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. This isn't exactly
like Grafelnik.

In his story, both
Lord Grafelnik and his daughter

were shot in the back
of the head and thrown

in the same ditch.
But, at least they were

- together as a family.
- Just like us.

Merry Grafelmas.

- Merry Grafelmas!
- Merry Grafelmas!

Oh, guys, I have one more
Grafelnik tradition.

Now, this is for all the things
I've forgotten to take revenge on.

I hope you all enjoy
being stung by

Zephyrianized killer bees!

♪ With his daughter's life in thrall ♪

♪ Vengeance comes to one and all ♪

♪ Vengeance ♪
♪ Grafelnik, Vengeful Vic ♪

♪ Grafelnik, vengeance ♪

♪ Vengeance ♪
♪ Special skills, many kills ♪

♪ Grafelnik is coming for you ♪

♪ What's that chill upon the air? ♪

♪ Grafelnik, Grafelnik, all beware ♪

♪ Once a year, when darkness falls ♪

♪ Vengeance comes to one and all. ♪

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~