All language subtitles for Small Soldiers (1998)(english)

Globotech Industries,

long recognized
as the worldwide leader...

in high tech weaponry,
is now reaching even higher.

Under the leadership
of C.E.O. Gil Mars,

Globotech engineers
are blazing the trail...

into tomorrow's
most exciting market sector,

introducing advanced
battlefield technology...

into consumer products
for the whole family.

For the first time,
you and yours will enjoy...

the same high-quality standards
as demanded...

by the U.S. Defense Department
at private sector prices.

Globotech-- turning swords
into plowshares for you and your family.

He's here. He's early.

He's not supposed
to be here yet.

He said-- Okay.

Slamfist Ocula.
Good. Check.

Chickens.

- Hey.
- Hey. Let me help you with these.

Pretty exciting, huh?

I don't know. I think it kinda--
it's kinda sad. I mean--

You know, Heartland Toys
has a long tradition...

of bringing joy
to kids, you know?

Gil Mars isn't going
to care about any of that.

He's just going
to care about profits.

- I think it sucks.
- Welcome to Earth, Irwin.

You may not be familiar
with our customs,

but this is pretty much the way
things work down here in the real world.

Yeah, well,
the real world sucks.

It does have its perks.

Gentlemen.
I'm Ms. Kegel,

executive assistant
to Mr. Mars.

Hello.

Let me be the first to welcome you
to the Globotech family.

- Okay.
- Just as he's done with his computer,

electronics,
telecommunications, munitions,

chemical and food divisions,

Mr. Mars intends to bring his own personal
touch to Heartland Play Systems.

Oh.
Well, that's good.

Okay.

All right. Uh--

These are--
W-Where's everybody else?

- There is no longer any "everybody else."
- Mr. Mars, I'm Larry Benson.

- I wanted to tell you what an honor it is--
- Cut the kiss-ass, pal.

Two minutes after I leave this room,
I won't remember your name.

- This is Irwin Wayfair.
- Great.

It's been brought to my attention
that you two are responsible for this.

Yes, sir.
That's Flatchoo.

He's part of
the Belch Brigade.

Yeah. A-Actually,
the whole line was, uh, Irwin’s idea.

But once I refined the concept
and created the marketing campaign,

it was the most successful
product launched in company history.

That's why I bought the place. And
that's why you two are still on board.

So, let's talk
about the future.

Oh, uh--
Yes. Okay.

These are Gorgonites, sir.
And they're--

- Hi. How are you today?
- I'm late.

All right. Uh--

Here's--
I drew up some pictures.

That's a picture
you can have.

Here's a--
All right, uh--

All right. These are Gorgonites, sir.
And, uh, this one--

This is Archer. He's the, uh,
grand noble leader of the--

Okay. And, uh--
Troglokhan,

the navigator
who-who navigates.

Okay. Well, they're--
These are monsters...

who come from The Land of Gorgon,
and they've come to our world.

They're lost, and now
in order to get back to Gorgon,

they have to, uh, find out as much
stuff about our world as possible.

And this way, the kids
can learn and do research--

- Excuse me. Did you say "learn?"
- Learn. Learn, yeah.

Next.

Mr. Mars.

Allow me
to introduce you to...

Major...

Chip Hazard, leader
of the Commando Elite.

It's called "multimedia," Irwin.

Look into it.

The future is here.

A new age has dawned...

for action.

The world's most awesome,
high tech fighting force...

is ready to battle
for the next millennium.

- Chip Hazard, reporting for duty!
- Hey, w-w-wait a minute!

- Hold on. Hold on. Wait.
- These are the best toys I've ever had!

- Can they-- Can they really do that?
- Do what?

The thing where he punches
his way out of the box.

No.

I didn't think so.

There's a disclaimer. I mean,
legal says we're completely covered.

You know what I'm sick of?

I'm sick of commercials
that show four-by-four trucks...

popping up to the top
of Mt. Rushmore...

and parking on top
of Abraham Lincoln's head.

Okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials
that try to convince women...

they can look like Claudia Schiffer
after one cycle of rinse and repeat.

What if these toys
actually could talk?

What if they could walk?

- What if they could actually kick ass?
- Nick Nitro!

I'm talkin' about toys
that are so smart,

when kids play with 'em,
they play back.

Toys in short,
gentlemen,

that actually do what
they do in the commercials.

Well, that's
an interesting idea.

Forget about this
batteries-not-included crap.

We're gonna stick in a lifetime
Globotech lithium cell.

Keep these things
runnin' forever.

- That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
- Yeah.

Hey, how's this for a slogan:
The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy.

Everything else
is just a toy.

Th-Th-That's good too.

- Sure.
- Uh, sir?

Uh, you know, that kind
of computing power...

- doesn't really seem feasible
right now, and... - Irwin. Irwin.

We're members of the Globotech family.
Surely we can hunt down the technology.

We can make missiles that can
hunt down one unlucky bastard...

7,000 miles away and stick
a nuclear warhead right up his ass.

I don't think we're going to
have a problem with this.

Now, these guys are soldiers, right?
And what do soldiers need?

- Hats?
- Cam-Cam-Camouflage?

- Ms. Kegel?
- Enemies, sir.

Enemies. See, these hideous,
ugly freaks-- These guys are the enemy.

And our guys have to seek 'em out
and vaporize 'em.

Well, no, they're not--

Sir? Um, don't you think
that's a bit violent?

Exactly. So don't call it violence.
Call it action.

Kids love action. it sells.

Besides,
what're you worried about?

They're only toys.

I can't believe this.
This is wrong. This is really wrong.

I mean-- You know,
this is a-a total perversion...

of everything I designed
these Gorgonites to be.

Oh, would you can it,
Irwin. Come on.

This is a golden opportunity.
if we pull this off,

- we will have Gil Mars in our hands.
- And by the way, gentlemen,

Mr. Mars expects the product to be
ready for shipment in three months.

- Three months?
- No, no, no, no, no.

It takes at least six months. There's
product testing and focus groups--

Three months is fine. Tell Mr. Mars in
three months, everything will be ready.

All right, then.
Now, these are your security cards.

These will give you
unlimited access...

to all top secret
Global-Technology.

And these are your
individual secret passwords.

Please take a moment
to memorize them now.

Mine's "Gizmo."

I said, secret.

Well, but--

Password-- Password--
What's my password?

Pass--

Gizmo.

Let's find us some chips.

Um, some really good chips.

A lot of really good chips.

The X 1000.

Hello, Mr. Chips.

This looks like a nice store.
Look at those toys.

Come on, Grandma.
This place never has anything good.

Hey, Alan.

How's the world
treatin' you?

You, Joe, are
the highlight of my day.

Well, geez, kid.
Tough break.

- New truck?
- New owner. See?

Yeah. Pretty soon,
everything in the world's...

gonna be owned by
one giant corporation.

Then it's good-bye
microbreweries.

So, uh, where's your dad?
I got his order here.

Uh, he's goin' out of town tonight.
Some seminar.

Wait a second.
He left you in charge?

Hey, I was
as surprised as you.

I think he's finally
startin' to trust me again.

Or maybe he didn't
have a choice.

So, what's the seminar
your dad's going to?

"How to Make a Success
of Your Small Business."

- My suggestion was torch the place.
- Not a good idea.

Arson forensics nowadays
is very sophisticated.

"Gorgonites and Commando Elite."

What are those?

Let's find out.

Ten-hut!

Major Chip Hazard,
reporting for duty, sir.

Wow! Voice activated.

Not bad.

Yeah. They move,
they talk.

They got a built-in
two-way radio.

"Buy a second commando
and communicate with a friend."

Halt!
Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites.

Awfully polite for a monster.

Hey, you never have
to replace the battery.

Now that's a good thing.

Hey, Joe, do you think you could,
like, front me a set of these?

- What?
- You know, just sort of lend it to me.

You got plenty
in the truck.

Yeah. That's Toy World's
inventory for the month.

This order's paid for.
I don't want to get my ticket pulled.

I'll pay you back
after I sell them.

Yeah, and what about
your dad's policy? No war toys.

Don't worry about my dad. By the time
he gets back, they'll all be sold.

And this place will have made
a little money for once.

I don't know. That's--

What? Are you saying that
never in your entire career...

has anything just fallen off
the back of the truck?

- I don't like your tone.
- Sorry.

It's too loud.

Okay. One whole set.

I'll, uh, lose
the paperwork someplace.

- This better not come back and
bite me on the ass. - it won't.

- I swear.
- And you've gotta get 'em off the truck.

I hope you know what you're doin'.
I could get in big trouble for this.

- No one's gonna know.
- They'd better not.

These toys don't go on sale
officially until Monday.

I could lose my job.
Lose my house.

Lose my wife.

Thanks, Joe.
I owe you one.

You owe me 12.

Good luck, kid.

Freeze!

But I wanted
to go to Toy World.

Well, life is full of disappointments.
Go look around.

His birthday's next week.

- My mom told me to take him shopping.
- Great!

What kind of stuff
is he into?

Oh, you know.
Dinosaurs, mutant freaks.

Anything that maims,
kills or destroys.

- Well, I just got in some, uh--
- Oh, you're Alan Abernathy.

You moved into
the house behind mine.

I've heard about you.

- You have?
- Yeah.

So, how come I never
see you after school?

Well,
I'm kinda stuck here.

What kind of toy store is this?

It's my dad.
He thinks these toys are cool.

It's too bad
nobody else does.

The Commando Elite
will rid the Earth of the Gorgonites.

The Gorgonites are peaceful.
We mean no harm.

Gorgonite,
you are a hideous freak.

You will be vaporized.

Civilian,
declare your allegiance!

Ow! Hey, cool!

He's got a whole
woodworking shop in back.

I know what I want!
The soldier. I want the soldier.

They're walking and fighting,
and they're so cool!

Where'd they go?

Oh.
What about this one?

No, I want
the other one.

Here. Major Chip Hazard.
He's the one.

- How much are these?
- A lot.

There's no way Mom and Dad
are going to buy you one of these.

Yes, they will. They buy you
those stupid Gwendy dolls.

All right, Timmy.

Save me
one of the buff guys.

- And a monster too.
- I don't think so, you little brat.

Look, I'll find it
and hold it till tomorrow.

How about the flamethrower?

- So when am I gonna get that toy?
- Never, if you don't shut up.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Say "hi" once in a while.

Meet death with honor, coward.

There you are.

Congratulations.
You're practically sold.

You, I'm not so sure about.

Troglokhan.

Punch-it?

Oh, man!
Dad's ticket!

Okay. Suitcase,
briefcase, keys.

Keys!
Where are my keys?

Right where you left them.

Oh, and where
did I leave them?

Oh. What is
the matter with me?

- What else?
- Oh, Stuart, please. Try to relax.

- Yeah.
- Now, remember why we moved here:

to get away from the stress,
to eliminate the stress,

- to... exhale...
- Exhale...

- the stress.
- the stress.

Mom! I know what I want
for my birthday.

- I want a Major Chip Hazard. Please!
- Don't upset your father.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, sweetie.

- What's up?
- Al here was just telling me--

- Ed.
- was just telling me...

that the angle
of the Earth's tilt on its axis...

relative to the geocentric orbit
of the transmission satellite...

restricts the placement
for optimum reception.

Uh, yeah.

In other words,
this tree is in the way.

Right. Exactly.

No problemo.

- Hey! Knock that off!
- Hey, Stu.

This guy says
the tree's gotta go.

- You don't mind, do you? What?
- Yes, I mind.

I said,
"Yes, I mind."

What the hell are you doin', Phil?
This is my tree!

Don't worry. Happy to do the work.
What're good neighbors for?

You see the dish?
She's a beauty, huh?

No. No. No. This--
This tree is beautiful.

That dish is just one more piece
of techno-crap...

to go along with the rest
of your stockpile of techno-crap.

And you're already
pulling so much juice...

you've got us all
living in a cancer node.

You know, there's never been any
conclusive data proving a link between--

- Just give me that saw for a minute, Phil.
- Stuart, come on. Come on.

Airplane now,
vendetta later.

I'll check the zoning laws, but I think
they'll prove me in the right here.

Hasn't he heard of those
small dishes that you can put...

- on top of your house?
- They don't get as many channels.

- He probably got a deal.
- Dad!

Alan, what're you doing here?
You're supposed to be at the shop.

- You forgot your ticket.
- Oh, thank God.

Oh, my ticket!
Thank you, son.

Way to stay heads up.

- Every so often, I do something right.
- Right.

- Well, I'm outta here.
- Hurry, but drive carefully.

Okay. I'll call you
when I get there.

- All right. Hey, give me a smooch.
- Yeah.

- Bye-bye. Good-bye, son.
- See you later, Dad.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Bye.

So, the door was locked
when you left?

- Yes. - And did you
empty out the cash register?

Both quarters
and all six pennies.

- And yes, I shut off the lights.
- I'm just asking.

You know, it's possible that
I may get through an entire day...

without screwing up.

What the--

How the heck
did you get in here?

What was it?
Uh--

Halt!
Who goes there?

Greetings.
I am Archer,

emissary
of the Gorgonites.

Sure you are.

- Beware! There will be no mercy.
- Is that so?

Beware!
There will be no mercy.

Yeah, well, I'll be real careful.
Thanks for the advice.

Greetings.
I am Archer,

emissary
of the Gorgonites.

What is your name?

I'm Alan. Now, shut up.
I gotta do my homework.

Greetings,
Alan-Now-Shut-Up.

What did you say?

You just said my name,
didn't you?

Didn't you?

Commandos!
Ten-hut!

Commando Elite!
Fall in!

Sound off, soldiers!

Butch Meathook, sniper.
Lethal from any distance, sir.

- Good to have you aboard.
- Nick Nitro.

Demolition
is my mission.

Served with your father.
He was a good man.

Brick Bazooka,
artillery.

Ready to go
full bore, sir.

- Save it for the enemy.
- Link Static, communications.

Awaiting dispatch
of orders, sir.

Double up on
your rations, Sparky.

Kip Killagin, covert insurgent.
Sharp as a razor, sir.

Let me see
that weapon.

Standard issue
is insufficient.

All right, ladies.
Now listen, and listen good.

Our mission:
Destroy the Gorgonite enemy.

- Defeat him.
- Yes, sir!

There will be
no mercy.

Search the area
and secure new arms.

Commandos, fall out!

Gorgon.

Hey!

What the heck are you?

You're not like any toy
I've ever seen.

Come on. Speak up.

Greetings,
Alan-Now-Shut-Up.

I am Archer, emissary
of the Gorgonites.

I think you're smarter
than you're lettin' on.

I'll bet you're smart enough
to get my name right.

It's Alan, just plain Alan.
That's all. Got it?

Greetings, Alan.

I knew it!
Walk to the end of the table.

Don't play dumb with me.

You know what I'm saying.

Alan, friend of Archer.

Defender of all Gorgonites,
keeper of Encarta.

Keeper of Encarta?

You were using
my computer?

If I find a virus in there,
you're headed for the microwave.

Beware!
There will be no mercy.

Are you
threatening me?

The Gorgonites must be free.
There will be no mercy.

Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war
by dying for his country.

He won it by being
all that he can be.

Damn the torpedoes
or give me death.

Eternal vigilance
is the price of duty.

And to the victors
go the spoils so remember...

You are the best of the
best of the few and the proud.

So ask not what your country
can do for you.

Only regret that you have
but one life to live.

The war against the Gorgonites
will be won!

- Uh, oh.
- Commando Elite,

let the first shot be fired!

Search out the Gorgonites
and frag them all!

- Gorgonites!
- Get him! Jump on him!

- Plastic at twelve o'clock.
- Gorgonites at twelve o'clock!

Let's kick some
Gorgonite butt.

Archer.
Where are you, anyway?

I am in so much trouble.

There will be no mercy.

This is what you meant?

How could toys do this?

- Alas, poor Troglokhan.
- I'm sorry, Archer,

but that's all
the pieces I could find.

The Commando Elite
have destroyed Troglokhan.

Yeah, but what about all
the other Gorgonites,...

and what happened
to the Commandos?

Uh--

Hi. Uh, we're closed.
See the sign?

I'll be real quick.
I just came to get those toys.

The Major Chip thing and the monster?

- I can't sell you those toys. Sorry.
- But you're the only store...

that has them,
and my parents just caved.

- Well, the toys are gone, all right?
- Well, what about him?

Oh. Him.
He's defective.

- Oh.
- And the rest were stolen.

Oh, that's too bad.

Alan. We must find
the Gorgonites.

Oh, my God!

Who did all this?

Are you pulling some kind
of insurance scam?

I swear, I did
one thing wrong. That's it.

And I'm branded for life.

So, it is true.

I heard your parents
had to move here 'cause...

you got kicked out
of ten different schools?

I did not!

No?

- It was two.
- Only two?

So... you need
some help?

- Alan, can I talk now?
- No.

I can't believe
they broke my dad's radio.

Hey, Alan, do you ever watch
that show Family of Five?

- Sure.
- Do you like it?

- Uh, it's okay.
- Oh, thank God. Me neither. I hate it.

It's so lame. I'm so sick of everybody
telling me it's so great.

- I can't stand the parents.
They're so nice. - The worst.

- Where do these go?
- Uh, just over there.

I'm more of an X-Files
kind of guy myself.

The truth is out there, Alan.

- Do you like Led Zeppelin?
- Yeah. They're the greatest.

Oh. They're my favorite band.

You know, you're not
like other girls.

I know.

I can't believe we finished.

It took less time than I thought.

And the boat looks great.

It wasn't that messed up.
The mast was the hardest part.

Uh, he'll never know.

So, what'd you do?

Oh, come on, Alan.
I've heard the story ten times already.

Don't deny it.
They say you're a real terror.

Oh, yeah.
That's me. A real terror.

I did some graffiti, flooded the
faculty bathroom. Stuff like that.

My shrink told my parents I was "acting out."

I heard you called in
a bomb scare on Parents' Day.

Yeah. That's
when I got caught.

- Bummer.
- They put me on probation for a while.

But that was a long time ago. You know,
I'm a totally different person now.

Sure.

- No, really.
- Hey, Alan! How's it going?

- Dad. - You know, I was just on
my way home from the airport,

thought I'd stop by
and say hello.

- Check up on me?
- And check up on you.

Of course. That's my job.
Me dad, you son. Right?

- This is Christy.
- Hi.

- From next door.
- Hello.

- Alan, what happened here?
- Nothing.

Nothing happened.

Oh, really?

Then how do you
explain this?

I-I was dusting it
and it fell over.

Oh, you were dusting.
With what? A croquet mallet?

Um, I should go.

Oh, geez.
I almost forgot my stuff.

Bye, Alan.

You should go on home too.
I'll close up.

- I can do it.
- Obviously, you can't.

Go home.

Alan.

I'm really sorry about that.

I've got parents too.
if that's all he sees,

you got off lucky.

- Here are your toys.
- Thanks.

Hey, Christy, what happened? I thought
you were coming by practice today.

Sorry, Brad.
Something else came up.

I know you. You're that kid that
set his old school on fire, right?

Yeah, just to
watch it burn.

Whatever.

Hey, we got a scrimmage with the JV.
Come on. You can cheer me on.

Great!

See you later.

Let's see.

What we need...
is a coping saw.

I don't believe it!

- Alan, we must--
- Shut up!

- The Gorgonites--
- You're nothing but trouble.

Link Static to command post.
Have targeted...

single Gorgonite
with civilian escort.

Approaching your position.
Over.

Roger, Private Static.
Copy that.

Brick Bazooka,
front and center.

- Sir.
- Prepare for assault, Sargent.

Don't fire until you see
the whites of his eyes.

Prepare to fire the bazooka.

- Fire!
- Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Gorgonite K-9 corps.

Watch it!
I'll have your dog tags.

Whoa!

What are you doing here?

Go on home.

Hand over hand.

I'm coming for you,
Gorgonite.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Damn potholes.

Command post to Brick Bazooka. Report.

Repeat. This is command post. Report.

Brick Bazooka, reporting.

Target escaped.
En route to enemy's stronghold.

Sir, I'm pretty messed up, sir.

Hold on, son.
We're on our way.

Well, wrong Gage.

Insert tab "A" into slot "B".
Turn until click.

Bite the bullet, pal.
it'll be okay.

Here's the tape.
Let's close him up.

Go ahead, kid. Let it out.

It's a small world after all.

Hello.

Heartland Play Systems.
How may I help you?

Yes. I'm having trouble
with one of your--

What is the name of the toy,
and what is the nature of the problem?

- The toys are the Gorgonites--
- There are no more Gorgonites.

Shh.
And the Commando Elite.

The Commando Elite
are the mortal enemy...

- of the Gorgonites.
- And what is the nature of the problem?

The Commando Elite wrecked my dad's
store and destroyed the Gorgonites!

The Commando Elite are designed
to fight the Gorgonites.

They didn't fight them. They destroyed
them, and now they're gone!

I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems
does not replace lost toys.

I didn't lose them!
Look, is there a machine I can talk to?

- Just transfer me to a machine.
- Fine.

- Have a nice day, ma'am.
- I'm not a ma'am!

Please state the name of your toy...

and the nature
of your problem.

Your damn Commando Elite
wrecked my dad's store,

destroyed the stupid
Gorgonites and ran off.

Got it?
Lawsuit. Got that?

Alan Abernathy.
330-555-0125.

- Destroy Gorgonites.
- Shut up!

Alan--

Don't talk to me!

Not a word.

And on Monday morning at 0900 hours,

250,000 Commandos
and 250,000 Gorgonites...

will fight side by side
with children everywhere,

trying to separate
Mommy and Daddy...

from the money
in their wallets.

- Okay. Now listen to this.
- Excuse me.

- With over 100 merchandise licensees
for the next two months,

you won't be able
to turn on a TV, board a bus,

open a lunch box or put on
your own underwear...

without seeing the Gorgonites
waging war with the Commando Elite.

What do you think
of that, Mr. Mars?

Well, it's a start,

Larry.

Larry, folks.

- You know, when I started this company-
- We have to talk.

- Get off of me.
- We got a big problem.

It's urgent!

What are you doing here?
Stop it. Get away from me.

- Alan Abernathy.
- 330-555-0--

- That's where the voice mail cut him off.
- That's not a problem.

- Oh, it's not? - No, it's not.
What's the in-store date on these things?

Monday. How did this kid get ahold
of them? Come on.

It's industrial espionage.
I got two words for you: Counter suit.

One word. Countersuit.
Two words.

It's two words, Larry.

Look, what if this kid
is telling the truth? I mean,

we can't have toys out in the market
that may be dangerous.

Oh, come on. How could they be
dangerous? Everything on them are standard.

The design is standard.
The materials are standard.

The mechanicals are standard.
Even the-- Oh.

What's "oh"?

- What?
- No, what's "oh"? You just said "oh".

No, I said-- I said "oh".

"Oh", like that's interesting,
or "oh", like we're screwed?

No. I mean, you know-- Hey! Whoa!
Look, forget the "oh", all right?

I'm going to run down to legal and get
the ball rolling on the countersuit.

- The chips. That's the oh. Yeah.
- Oh.

These microprocessing chips, what do
they do and where'd you get 'em from?

They, you know,
they microprocess.

They come from the land
of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.

They were designed
for the Department of Defense.

You put munitions chips in toys?

Archer.

Emissary of the Gorgonites.

Where are you?

Beware.
There will be no mercy.

We're lost.
We need to find our homeland.

Yeah, our homeland.

We're in trouble. Please find us.

You got to help us find Goron.

Goron? It's Gorgon, moron.

Well, I hope he comes. We're
no match for the awesome Commandos.

Yeah. Everything else is just a toy.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

- Aah!
- Grab him! Hold him down!

String him up!

Tell us what we want to know.

- I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
- Archer?

Where are the rest
of the Gorgonite scum?

We have ways of making you talk.

Make it easy on yourself.
if you tell us, we'll let you go.

It'll go easier
for you if you cooperate.

I am Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites.

All right,
let's dispose of this garbage.

- Hey, it's the kid. - Commandos,
pull back! Retrograde movement!

Uh-oh!

Hey!

Ow! You little--

- Gimme that.
- Hey, that's mine, punk!

Surrender, Gorgonite ally.

- You just met your match.
- Oh, yeah?

Surrender or die-e-e!

Medic! Medic!

Medic! Medic!

Medic!

Oh! Come out, you--

- Alan, what the hell is going on here?
- Um--

- Alan, your hand!
- What happened?

How did you cut your hand?
What are you doing down here?

Medic!

O-o-oh!

When you were gone, I bought
a shipment of soldier toys from Joe.

I figured I could sell 'em
before you got back.

And for once, I would've made
the store a little money.

I know it was the wrong
thing to do, and I'm sorry.

There. I said it.

Well...

okay.

I think it's very honest of you
to tell the truth.

So, you pawned my woodworking tools
so you could pay Joe?

No! I'm-I'm pretty sure
the toys took 'em.

Uh, what?

The toys.

Are you trying to upset me?
I mean, are you deliberately making it--

- Shh. Quiet. Stop it. - What-- What
word did the psychologist use? Projected--

- Aggression.
- Projected aggression!

It's not aggression!
it's these toys. They--

It's like they're alive. Look.

Ohh! Come on, Archer,
back me up here.

Say something.

Halt! Who goes there?
Talk to me!

Alan, Alan, please.

I need to ask you this.

- Are you on crank?
- No!

Then is it crystal meth?
Tar? Smack?

- Irene--
- We need to know!

I'm not on drugs!

- It's these soldiers, they--
- All right, that's it.

Stop it.
I mean, Alan, I--

I am...

at a loss.

You! Why didn't you
say anything?

Shut up. Don't talk to me. Not a word.

Wise guy. I oughta shred
the bunch of you.

My dad thinks I'm insane,
Christy thinks I'm an idiot...

and when Joe finds out the toys are
destroyed and I can't pay him back,

- he's gonna have my legs broken.
- The Gorgonites are not destroyed.

What?

Major Chip Hazard seeks the
location of the Gorgonite scum.

They are not destroyed.

'Cause if the Commandos destroyed 'em,
they wouldn't be looking for 'em.

All right.
Where are they?

My Gorgonite brothers are doing
what the Gorgonites do best.

They are hiding.

Commando Elite, fall in.

Sir, yes, sir!

We have met the enemy.
He is big. He is fast.

He has aligned himself
with the Gorgonite scum.

The rules of engagement
have changed.

Private Static!

Damn!

- Ooh-hoo!
- Wow.

This place is a gold mine.

Holy smokes!
Look at all this hardware.

Technological superiority.

Dibs on the chain saw.

Falling in, sir.

Outta the way!

It's... only a flesh wound,
sir.

Rest easy.
You've done your job.

- Did... we... win?
- We will.

Nick Nitro's battery has run out,

but his memory will keep going
and going and going.

His death will be avenged!

Commandos! Secure the perimeter!
Tap all communications!

Let's roll some armor.
We got us a war to win.

If it launches,
lacerates or detonates,

- I want it mobile and I want it "lethile"!
- Sir, yes, sir!

They're not in the storeroom,
they're not here--

Besides, monsters should be
out fighting Commandos.

We would lose.

It was what we were
programmed to do.

Hide and lose?
Those are some great options.

All right. if I was a Gorgonite,
where would I be?

I'm hiding
'cause I'm a loser,

I've got...
zero self-esteem...

and my brain's
the size of a peanut.

Where would I be?

This is so gross.

Hello?
ls anybody in there?

Hey!

- Ocula.
- What-What was that?

It's the Gorgonites.

- Ocula. Punch-it.
- Whew!

- Scratch-it.
- Hey, hey, hey! It's great to be back.

- But seriously, folks, what a dump.
- Insaniac.

Okay. Hey, what are you,
a kid or an oil painting?

No, seriously, folks, they got me sharing
a dressing room with rotting fruit.

Don't worry, Archer.
We was hiding.

Slamfist.

Troglokhan?

We fixed him.

We tried to fix him.

- Hey, my dad's radio.
- Some assembly required.

So, am I nuts?
What's goin' on here? Give me a call.

- 1-800-TALK-TO-ME.
- Freaky. Like Frankenstein.

Uh, at least you're all here.
Maybe Joe won't break my legs after all.

Access approved.

So, Larry, let me get this
straight. You used my password...

to order surplus military chips
that might be dangerous?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
it's okay. It's okay.

That's supposed to happen.
See? "Clean room."

- Right.
- Clean.

Let's just go in.

- You all right?
- Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.

That's him. That's Ralph.

- Hi.
- Who are you? You don't belong here.

I'm Larry Benson. You supplied
my division with some microchips.

Oh, yes. Larry Benson.

The X 1000.

Worked out better
than you dreamed, didn't they?

Actually, there was
a little bit of a problem.

Then it's with
your software.

Uh, I don't think there's
a problem with the software, Ralph.

Oh, you don't?

The X 1000...

is a masterpiece.

Imagine a microchip
sophisticated enough to control...

the guidance systems
of ballistic missiles.

Imagine it can be used to instantly
upgrade any system that it's plugged into,

like a smart drug
for machines.

Then imagine it can learn.

W--What are you talking about?
Artificial intelligence?

No. Actual intelligence.

It's no wonder those philistines
at the Pentagon couldn't appreciate it.

One little flaw and they
scrap the whole project.

Aha! So there is a flaw
in the chips.

Well... they're a little bit
sensitive to E.M.P.

E.M.P.?
Electromagnetic pulse?

Yeah, you know, the kind generated by
the detonation of a nuclear device?

I doubt even the toy industry
has become quite that competitive.

They said adequate shielding
wasn't cost effective.

Did the Medicis
ever tell Michelangelo,

"Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really
cost effective. Here's a bag of cement."?

I think not!

Gesundheit.

Thank you.

There shouldn't be any problem
'cause the chips can learn.

Am I not being clear?

They can learn within the boundaries
of their primary programming.

Whatever the core programming,
the X 1000 enhances it from within.

So if you've got a problem,
it's in your software.

Quick impression for you now--
Jimmy Cagney. Top of the world, Ma!

Talk about hampering
your career.

Grab him!

It looks so real,
don't it?

Hit him. Huh?

Friend of yours?

Oh.

- What am I gonna do with you guys?
- ...220, 221,

222--

Oh, there goes the record.

Hey. Not so close.
You'll, uh...

ruin your eye.

- What are you lookin' at?
- I don't know.

- Hello?
- Alan?

- Christy?
- Well, are you grounded?

- No, my dad cooled off.
- So we did it.

Yeah, and the best part is
I found all those lost toys.

- You were really a big help.
- Cool.

Hey!

So, Alan, what do you think,
boxers or briefs? Ha-ha!

Get those off your head.

- Ha-ha. But seriously--
- What's going on?

- Actually, I'm allergic to plaid.
- Nothing.

So, I was thinking we should
celebrate sometime. You know,...

- go to a movie or something.
- Alan, I only date older guys.

- It's nothing personal.
- Oh.

Anyway, what I mean is,
officially, I'm going out with Brad.

Well, what about unofficially?
Or superficially?

Well, there is this one
guy, but he's kind of a smart aleck...

and a bit
of a troublemaker.

Well, I'm sure he'd be
willing to give it all up for you.

- I know I would.
- Oh, Alan.

It's party time.

One phat ride!

Transmission intercepted, sir.

The Gorgonites are alive
and bivouacked at the enemy stronghold,

and the enemy has revealed
an age-old weakness.

I'm sure he'd be
willing to give it all up for you.

- I know I would.
- Put yourself in for a commendation.

Soldiers!

We have a window of opportunity.
We will exploit it.

Draw the enemy out
and crush the Gorgonites!

We must go behind enemy lines to
secure a hostage. Prepare to move out.

Hop it, jarheads!

I guess you guys are safe
as long as you stay here.

- What are you lookin' for?
- Gorgon.

Well, this is a national park.

- The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.
- Will you help us find it?

I don't think you're
gonna find it in there.

Alan, if Gorgon is not in
that window, is it in this one?

There's nothing in windows.
There's... stuff outside them.

- What stuff?
- You know.

Outside. Trees.
Power pole.

- Christy's house.
- And beyond that?

The mall.

- And beyond that?
- That's the highway.

- And beyond that?
- About a million acres of farm.

And what's beyond that?

I don't know.

Gorgon.

Live, via satellite,
257 channels,

closed captioning
for the hearing impaired...

and Dolby stereo,
where available,

which is right here,
right now!

What a great picture.

It's perfect.

I don't know.
Looks kinda fuzzy.

Let me try
something else.

Oh, for
Pete's sake, Phil!

Maybe if I tweak
the brightness a little.

No, no. It's the chroma.
Flesh tones way off, way off.

Look, now it's green. Just--

- Stand down, men.
- He's a ghost.

We must neutralize
these civilians.

I paid a lot for this thing.
I don't want a ghost.

Follow me.

It's a trap, sir.

Good. Bring it here, soldier.

Chemical warfare.

Operation Sandman.

Fire when ready,
Private.

Audie Murphy,
a most decorated war hero.

I think World War II
was my favorite war.

Uh-huh.

No sign of the target, sir.
The area is secured.

Don't worry,
she'll be here.

This is where we'll
engage the target.

Set up concealed positions
and prepare for ambush.

Oh, man!

I can't believe
they got me the whole set!

Hold your fire, men!

Cool, you can talk.

You must be the leader.

Except one day,
you get shot.

Bam!

And this guy gets promoted,
and now he's the leader. Yes!

- Wasn't my idea, Major.
- Commandos, attack!

Pile on the kid!

Son, you can be
a prisoner or a casualty.

It's up to you.

- Sir! Over here, sir.
- Oh, man. I hate baby-sitting.

- What is it, soldier?
- Take a look, sir.

Bombshells, sir.

Fully posable.

Hello, Dolly.

Mm-hmm!
Sweet stuff.

- Hubba-hubba!
- R & R, sir?

- Uh, request a three-day pass, sir.
- Denied!

- Aww!
- Gentlemen, this is the new army.

Those are reinforcements.

Bring me the head
of Nick Nitro. Move!

Soldier, your memory
will live on.

Damn!

- Criminy!
- I think I'm gonna hurl.

A mind is a terrible
thing to waste.

It's alive! It's alive!

Hi, there! Cannon Fodder Gwendy,
reporting for duty, sir.

Carry on, soldier.

Oh.

I feel your pain.

Alan,

the Commando Elite are in the trees.

They're not moving
'cause of the Commandos.

It's the wind.

See?

I see your hand.

The wind's blowing.
You can feel it.

Feel?

Oh, right. Plastic.

Sorry.

It's um-- it's kinda
hard to describe.

Weather patterns.
Wind chill factor.

Just because you can't see it
doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

See?

Win-n-n-n-d.

Mom? Dad? I'm home.

- They're asleep.
- You know what that means.

It means they could
wake up any second.

You know, you are such
a major hottie.

You are such a major sweet talker.

- Good night.
- Good night.

My bike won't start.

I got nowhere to go.
Can I come in?

Oh, no.
That's not it.

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

- Let's do something fun.
- We'll all get facials.

Did I overpluck my eyebrows?

Yee-ha!

Whoa!

Now it's our turn
to play with you.

Let's see if
her head comes off.

Christy?

Oh, look, a man.
Alley-oop.

Such nice, broad shoulders.
Do you work out?

What's your sign, big boy?

Makeovers are such a blast.

That haircut is
so five minutes ago.

Are you dumping me?

Get off me.

Yo, Maggot!

An officer and a gentleman
does not strike a lady.

What?

Hey!

Are you scared?

We're all scared.

You'd have to be crazy
not to be scared.

What?

What?
What do you see?

Ocula?
Are you all right?

I'll get you down.
it'll be okay.

Surrender?

Smile, girlie!

Alan, I am safe.
I have not been harmed.

Christy?

I'm making this statement of my
own free will, and under no duress.

- Yeah, right. Ow! - Stick to the script.
Read it like we wrote it.

- Okay.
- Make it snappy.

I will be released
safely and unharmed...

only if the following
conditions are met:

One, surrender
the Gorgonite scum.

- Oh, that's it.
- Faster, or we stick ya.

Alan, please!
You have to help.

- Zoom in! Get those tears.
- Stop.

- What else is on?
- No!

If Major Chip Hazard
wants a war,

we'll give him a war.

- Please, Alan, don't do this.
- We're afraid.

- We're your friends.
- Please, Alan! - Traitor!

Hey, how ya doin' tonight?
Welcome to the big cardboard box.

I'll never see Gorgon again.

He seemed like such a nice boy.

- Why would he do this to us?
- Three words, folks: Pu-ber-Ty.

Enemy contact.

Advance with caution.
Roll!

- Ow!
- Sorry, sir.

Gentlemen,
looks like they blinked.

- Advance and envelope.
- Sir! Yes, sir!

Alan, I'm feeling very insecure.

Ready, Archer?

Alan, are you sure
this is a good idea?

- We Gorgonites must be free.
- I don't feel well.

Alan, don't do this.
You'll be guilt-ridden.

My aunt was buried alive.
I'm very claustrophobic.

Rock and roll.

I love this job.

Are you all right?

All my makeup is cruelty-free.

You come here often?

Will you take me
to the prom?

if you can't accessorize,
pulverize.

You've been a bad boy.

And now,
you must be punished. Yah!

Watch out, girls.
Hissy fit.

You're to die for.

Run! She's got a baton!

it's a baton death march.

She's gone postal!

Oh, I broke a nail.

- I always hated these things!
- Oh, the humanity!

- Alan, how could you betray us?
- This is it, men!

Please, help me.

Commandos, enemy
has deployed a decoy target.

Return to primary positions.

This is fun.

You're killing me.

Christy!

You rescued me.

Any time.

Let's go
get those creeps.

We gotta
wake my parents.

Open fire!

We have the enemy
on the run.

Exploit and pursue.

- You've done this before.
- Once or twice.

- Watch it!
- You watch it.

We gotta get help.

Anybody got a garage door opener?

Commandos, attack!

Time to plant
some corn.

Expect no mercy,
Gorgonite ally.

I'll get the bike.

Get on.
Come on, hurry.

Hot pursuit.

Interlock.

Right side lock.
Left side lock.

Ramming speed!

Hold on!

Whoa!

They're toast.

You think I could
drive home?

- Good idea.
- Hey.

- Your kid kidnapped my daughter,
- Uh-oh.

Tied up my son, drugged me and my wife,
and Marion is still tripping!

Time to hide again.

Not to mention the damage to my house--

We have
lost the battle.

We will not
lose the war.

Well, that's the last of 'em.

Somebody's gonna
take a bath on this one.

I think that's all
of Friday's delivery.

How come they wanted it back?

Hey, you know the clowns
that make these decisions.

Doesn't matter to them that a bunch
of guys are gonna be standing around...

freezing their tushes off
in the middle of the night.

Just as long as everybody
knows who's in charge.

Corporations.

Right hand doesn't know what
the left hand is screwing up.

- Ah!
- Greetings. You've been drafted. Move!

Is this entire
household insane?

He says that toy is alive
just because it can move a little.

What's next? The blue fairy drops by
with a talking cricket? Please.

Dad!
He's telling the truth.

He's brainwashed you,
hasn't he?

Don't worry, honey. We'll get you
the best deprogrammer money can buy.

You can't change programming.

Oh, look.
Another one.

See, I told you
they were hiding.

It's what they do.

- That's it. Come on, Christy.
- Dad!

Timmy, Marion, we're outta here.
Let's go! Come on!

Well, gee, Phil,
don't be a stranger, huh?

Hi. Uh, yes. We're with Heartland
Play Systems Consumer Satisfaction.

Is there an Alan Abernathy here?

- That's Alan, right there.
- Hey.

How ya doin'? I understand you recently
acquired some of our fine products.

Uh, there's a chance
that they might be, uh, defective.

Although there's no reason to believe
they could cause anybody any harm.

- Oh, there's reasons.
- There is a problem with the Commandos.

Really?
What kind of problem?

Bear in mind you will be called into
court to substantiate your claim.

- Your toys nearly killed my son!
- Stuart!

Don't say calm down!
Calm was killing me.

And you,
you owe my son an apology.

Hey, Larry, look.
it's Archer.

Greetings.

I am Archer.
Who are you?

I'm Irwin.
I-- I designed you.

And all
the Gorgonites.

- He's the creator. Oy!
- Hey.

- You're all here.
- Everybody's got to be somewhere.

Ah, that's true.
My mom used to--

You're making declarative statements?
Formulating inquiries?

The light's out.

Something's going on
out there.

Hmm. That's weird.

There's a Heartland
truck outside.

- Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
- Light's covered.

- More Commandos?
- A lot more.

Dad, come see this
for yourself.

Chip?

Dead Chip? The Chip we killed?

Apparently, we didn't
kill him enough.

Oh, my--

Commandos, fall out.

Secure the left perimeter! Secure
the right perimeter! Let's move out!

- Troops, deploy!
- Sir! Yes, sir!

- Assault formation. Go!
- Hut! Hut! Hut!

Gentlemen, if war is hell,
then let's give 'em hell!

We didn't start this war, but
we're damn sure gonna end it.

I'm scared.

Oh, shh! Tim, it's gonna be all right.
They're not after you.

They just wanna kill
the little monster people.

That's right. We're just
caught up in some stupid game.

Well, game over.

Mr. Fimple, wait a second.

No, Alan. Let him go.

- Archer.
- The Gorgonites must lose.

Hi.

I'm Phil Fimple.

I'm here to negotiate
the surrender of the, uh--

"Gorgonzolas."

- Here's our proposal.
- Hey.

He's selling us down the river.
The guy's a regular Arnold Benedict.

I mean, switch 'em off.
Take 'em apart. Steal their batteries.

Whatever it is you...
people do.

Hey.

Is that my JVC?

There will be no surrender!
There will be no mercy!

All Gorgonite scum must die!

- Yeah!
- Bomb 'em all the way back to preschool!

Recon estimates Gorgonite
scum strength at 16.

Sixteen?
Where'd they get 16 from?

Seven Gorgonites
and nine people.

Well, you've heard our proposal.

Phil, get in here!
Hurry!

These negotiations are over!

We are the Commando Elite.
Everything else...

is just a toy.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want
What I really, really want

So tell me what you want
What you really, really want

I'll tell you what I want
What I really, really want

- So tell me what you want, What you really,
really want - What are they doing?

Psychological warfare.

The Marines did this
against Noriega.

- if ya wanna be my lover
- Phil.

- Ya gotta get with my friends
- Phil! - What?

- Make it last forever, Friendship
never ends - I love this song!

- if ya wanna be my lover, you have
got to give - Fimple, turn that off!

Takin' is too easy
but that's the way it is

- Would ya be my lover
- Go! Go! Go! Go!

Now you know how I feel

Say you can handle my love

Lock and load.

Nail 'em.

- Open fire.
- Down!

Fimple.

- Honey!
- Oh, boy.

Stuart, Phil, barricade that window.
Alan, get back.

Get back!

Fire!

Wow!

- Fire!
- How are they-- Look out!

Alan, put out the fires.

Nerds, side windows.

Marion. Timmy. The closet. Come on.

Come on.
Hurry! Hurry!

Get in! Get down!

- I have that coat.
- Yes!

Frag 'em all!

- I'm calling the police.
- Phil, Christy, push this back.

Be careful with it.

Fire!

Service.

- Yah!
- Great balls of fire.

The phone's dead.
Hey, nice forehand, honey.

Incoming!

Take the house!

We've gotta find a way to stop these
guys before my wife gets tennis elbow.

Hey, you know what might work?

An electromagnetic pulse,
'cause that would fry the chips.

Great! All we need now
is a nuclear warhead.

I'll check, but I don't think
I have one in the junk drawer.

Nuclear warhead?
What are you talking about?

It's the chips. They're not shielded
against an electromagnetic pulse.

A nuclear blast
would wipe them out.

That's why the military
never used 'em.

What kinda moron would put
military technology in toys?

Oh, that'd be Gizmo over here.

Actually, any electrical device
generates a magnetic field.

Just not a very big one.

We're gonna need a big one.

Fire in the hole!

Alan, the window.

I don't know, but I've been told...

Gorgonite blood
runs mighty cold.

No, Alan.

Way to stay heads up.

- Continue artillery barrage!
- Take cover! Stay low!

Look, there's a power pole back there
with a couple of huge transformers on it.

Could we use those to create
a big enough electromagnetic whatever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get 'em to explode.

Yeah, that would fry
their chips for sure.

You could connect
the transformers together.

We just need to put something metal between
the transformers to complete the circuit.

You get a nice power boost, right up
until they overload and blow up.

It only happened once!

Ooh!

That's it!

This oughta work.

Alan? Alan.

Whatever you are thinking, forget
about it. You're not going out there.

- There's no time. I've got to.
- it's too dangerous.

We've only got one chance.

You are my responsibility.
I'm not about to let you--

Dad!
There is no other way.

You have to trust me.

Wait.

- It's dark in here.
- Yeah, it's night, genius.

No, no. I mean, there's gotta be
power going through the transformers...

in order for them
to overload.

Power's still on at my house, and we've
got plenty of electronic crap to turn on.

Okay, we have to get to your fuse box
and wedge the breakers open. Come on, Larry.

I hate you, Irwin.

We have met the enemy, and he is you!

- Oh! - I love the smell
of polyurethane in the morning!

Oh, my God!

Phil, in here. In here.

It's locked.

Come on, Phil!

Up, up, up.
Up, up, up. Whoa!

- Balcony's closed.
- Down, down, down, down, down, down.

Descend and destroy.

Let me in. Damn it!
Fimple, you freak! Let me in.

All quiet on
the western front... yard.

You go and turn on every piece of
electronic equipment in the house. Okay?

This one's for Nick Nitro!

Mess around with my kid,
will ya?

Ho, ho, ho, a broomstick.
I'm scared.

Let's get him!

First blood!

Now, stick this in your pipe
and smoke it!

All right, Dad!

We roasted 'em.

There they are.
Nail 'em!

Not good.

Hey, kid.
Don't you like nine-inch nails?

I got hit.
I'm all right. I'm all right.

Gorgonites,
we must help Alan.

But if we fight,
we will lose.

Last time we fought,
I woke up with AM/FM.

I tell you, war is nuts,
and I know what I am talking about.

We shouldn't fight.
We should hide.

If we hide,
we will still lose.

No more hiding.

- Nail 'em. Nail 'em to the wall.
- Oh, yeah.

- Gorgonites, fight!
- Uh-oh.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Strike!

Retreat!

Hey, meet my wife,
the old ball and chain.

Hey, I love working
in the round.

I'm knocking 'em dead.
Oh, look at that.

You don't like stand up,
huh, G.I.? Then sit down!

Thank you and good night,
ladies and germs.

Oh, how do you work this thing?
Oops! Wrong way. That's better.

Alan?

You should go now.

Archer, listen.

When that thing explodes, you're going
to be fried, just like the Commandos.

Go.

Take that!

Wa-Watch your back.

Thanks, Dad.

Go, Alan.

I'm watching your back, Alan.

What are you packin', Tiny?

Packin'?
Packin' you.

It's not a prank call.
No, it's not.

No, wait. It is.

So you'll send some cops
to come and arrest me. Right?

Oh, no. Don't hang up.

- Oh!
- Do you know what you're doing?

Oh. Yeah.

Die!

Ain't war hell?

Thanks for the lift,
Punch-it.

Mayday! Mayday!
I'm hit. I'm hit!

I'm going down.
Ejecting!

Expect no mercy.

Having fun yet?

Okay. Let's have a round and a round
and a round of applause for Archer,

emissary of the Gorgonites.

You're up.

Major Chip Hazard.

Gorgonite scum!

Leave Alan alone.
Your fight is with me.

You got a lot of guts.

Let's see what
they look like.

They're wires and metal,
the same as yours.

We're nothing alike.
You are programmed to lose!

I'm also programmed to learn.

Too bad you never
learned to win.

School's out, loser.

Hyah!

Victory is ours!

Have I got
a shock for you.

You stupid toy!

Run for it! Watch out!

Get on!

Is this going to be a pattern
for our relationship?

Relationship?

- This isn't dangerous, is it?
- Well, it just depends on--

It's dead!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Medic!

There will be no mercy.

Situation is stabilizing.
Local law enforcement is under control.

There's just a matter
of compensating the parties involved.

Hold. You.

The area is secure.
Bring him in.

Wow! Who is that?

Oh, no. it's him.

How you doin', uh, Joe?

- How'd you like to do me a big favor?
- Anything, sir.

Why don't you move your truck
with the giant Globotech logo on it...

before the damn
news crews get here?

I don't know, Mr. Mars. I may have
some trouble handling the gears,

what with the critical head injury and
emotional distress I've suffered lately.

- Whoa! Yes, sir. Right away.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, you're not
off the hook yet.

There's just the little matter
of the massive damage to my home...

and my garage and my
audiovisual components system--

- This is good. Thanks.
- Bye-Bye.

Excuse me, Mr. Whoever-The-Hell-You-Are.
What about our house?

What about the pain
and the anguish and the-the--

- Humiliation.
- The humiliation.

I don't think even you have
enough money to pay for that.

Okay, maybe you do.

Hey, Alan.
Keep your nose clean, kid.

I'll try.
Listen, uh--

I just wanted
to tell you that I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Toys is hell.

Uh, Mr. Mars, hi.
I just want to assure you that I--

I take full responsibility
for all of this.

Yeah, right.
Give me that.

What were we charging
for these things?

Seventy-nine ninety-five.

Tell you what. Add a few zeros
to the end of that number...

and get in touch
with our military division.

I know some rebels in South America
who are going to find these toys...

very entertaining.

- Dad, know my birthday?
- Uh-huh.

I just want clothes.

Come on, Christy.

Any sign of the Gorgonites?

No, none of them.

Come on, Christy.

- I better go.
- Yeah, okay.

Too bad. This would have made
a hell of a commercial.

Archer?

Archer?

Archer, are you all right?

Halt! Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites.

Greetings. I am Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites.

Oh, man. Your chip got fried
just like the Commandos.

The Commandos are dead?

Gorgonites, we won!

We did?

Well, that's a pleasant surprise.

Satellite dish must have
shielded you guys.

- Pretty smart.
- Yeah, smart.

- We're lucky is what we are.
- I'm glad you made it, Archer.

I'm glad you made it, Alan.

All right, I'm serious.

Gorgonites, we're free.

Thank you, Alan,
destroyer of Commandos.

- We are free! - Free?
What about the cover charge?

Let me get in first, because I'm big.

Well, where am I going to sit?

Oh, I'm going to get up in the crow's
nest. Hey, there's a dead crow up here.

I'm kidding.

Okay.

Are you sure you guys
want to do this?

Yes, Alan. it is time.

Archer, I understand why, but...

you might not find Gorgon.

- It may not even--
- Alan,

even if you can't see something,
it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Hey, look,
we're out to launch.

I'm seasick already.

Bye-bye, Alan.

Bye-bye, Alan. Nice knowing you.

it's been a long time
since I've played a cruise.

Is anyone from out of town here?
Where are you from, sir?

- Gorgon.
- Oh, yeah. What exit?

Hello?
Is this thing on?

Is this a boat
or an oil painting?

I hope we don't hit an iceberg.

Nuclear warhead?
What are you talkin' about?

- Cut.
- Was that too much?

Why, Phil.

I never heard you say that before.