Original subtitles

And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.

Thank you very much. I'm very excited about summer,

getting around that those things I never have time for.

Golf. Visiting friends in prison.

Enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China.

Been an incredible year for our economy, our American economy is

on fire. I'm going to tell you if it's a

fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground.

But it's some kind of fire. So I'm on cruise control to a

second term and there's nothing the democrats in congress can do

about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride,

America, because tonight, well, opportunity I'm going to have a

real good time. ♪ he feels alive

and the world I'll turn it inside out

yeah ♪ ♪ and float around

in ecstasy so don't stop him now ♪

♪ don't stop him cause he's having a good time

having a good time ♪ ♪ he's a lose Cannon

rippin' up the laws of society

you can't subpoena him ♪ ♪ he's gunna obstruct

he's a billionaire unless you take a look

at his tax returns ♪ ♪ he's going to hide

hide hide there's no showing you ♪

♪ I'm burning every page picking every fight

but they call him bad advice cause he listen to ♪

♪ the fox news guys I want to make a super

straight man out of you ♪ [ Laughter ]

♪ Don't stop us now we're having such

a good time ♪ I'm having a ball!

♪ Don't stop us now you wanna huge distraction

just give yeezy a call man ♪ ♪ don't stop us now

we're having a good time don't stop us now

we're having a good time ♪ ♪ we don't wanna stop at all

get the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the most now ♪ ♪ women are screwed

it was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no ♪ ♪ all men are still in control

search your Bible guide now ♪ ♪ he's throwing stones and he

lives in a big glass house ♪ ♪ he cheated on

every spouse I want to make a chik-fil-a

man out of you ♪ [ Laughter ]

♪ Don't stop me don't stop me ♪

♪ don't stop me don't stop me ♪

Do you guys like tariffs? ♪ don't stop me

don't stop me ♪ hundred bucks for a tomato?

♪ Don't stop me don't stop me ♪

♪ I ain't sweatin' it ♪ ♪♪♪

Oh he's throwing out the lies yeah one tweet at a time he's

got the best brightest guys that's why most of them are

serving time I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you ♪

♪ what are you doing?

I'm sorry, this queen music gets me all riled up.

Hey dad, why weren't we invited to sing?

Yeah. Son.

And Eric. [ Laughter ]

I'm sorry I forgot about you guys.

I want to sing the song too. All right, Eric, go ahead.

♪ It's time to play the music

it's time to light the lights ♪

♪ it's time to meet the muppets

on the muppet show tonight ♪ [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] I need to invite the three

white players over from McDonald's.

Wait a second. [ Cheers and applause ]

I have something very important to say to the American people.

Something they need to hear. No collusion, no obstruction.

♪ Don't stop me now it's a good time

to try and impeach don't stop us now ♪

♪ we might even get rid of freedom of speech

don't stop us now we're having a good time ♪

♪ don't stop us now we're having a good time

we don't want to stop at all ♪♪♪

Guys, it's been fun. I don't know what's next for me,

but I wouldn't be Donald Trump if I didn't say tune in next

season to see who lives and who dies.

[ Laughter ] Spoiler, I live.

I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be

mine. Have a wonderful summer,

America. And live from New York, it's

"Saturday night"! [ Cheers and applause ]

Musical guest -- dj khaled.

And your host -- Paul rudd.

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen -- Paul rudd.

♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much.

I am so thrilled to be hosting the season finale of "Saturday

night live." [ Cheers and applause ]

Hands down the most anticipated finale of this weekend.

[ Laughter ] You know, I've hosted this show

a few times now. And what I've learned is that

these monologues, they should be a little funny, but they should

also be heartfelt, sort of like a best man's speech at a

wedding. And, well, tonight I would like

to be your best man. So could we maybe get some

champagne out here, something warm and flat?

Thank you. Hello.

Wow. Goodness.

They're tall. When I officially first met

"SNL" in 2008, I was like, this guy is crazy.

You were doing sketches about some guy named Barack.

I hadn't done a marvel movie yet so I was still treating people

pretty well. Times have changed.

Not a lot of people know this, but you and I, we used to kind

of make out. I think we have some pictures of

that. There we are.

Oh, man, were we nuts. "SNL," you used to be a real

dirty dog. I think like a thousand people

have been on you. I know that sounds gross but

hey, it was the '70s, '80s, '90s, and whatever this is.

True story, I was actually right outside of this

building on the night of the very first episode of "SNL"

in 1975. I remember, because I had just

turned 30. And I was working as a vomit boy

at studio 54. I thought, this isn't for me.

I thought I would be cleaning up vomit, but I was way off.

So, I walked out. I started running.

I found myself under a beautiful sign that said "nbc."

Out walked a guy who called himself lorne.

I went right up to him and I said, "sir, one day I'll be

hosting your show." And he said, "guards, do your

worst." [ Laughter ]

Funny how life works. After all of these years I knew

we'd always be here for each other.

Whenever you needed a host, and I needed to promote a movie.

Now I'm just so honored to be hosting the finale of season 44.

So hey, cheers to you. We've got a great show.

Dj khaled is here with like 200 friends.

So stick around. We'll be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪

Thank you all for coming. I'm Dr. Markowitz with NASA and

this is Dr. Handly with the institute for temporal

anomalies. We're obviously very

interested in your story as you're the first three people to

have experienced a verified time travel event.

This is bananas. I mean, we were just three buds

watching TV and now, we're quantum pioneers.

Now please tell us how this time portal appeared.

I got a three-month trial, we were watching

ray Donovan on showtime, and I'm a fan, I'm a sucker for flawed

heroes, good person, bad deeds, that dichotomy is very rich to

me. Wonderful.

But if you could focus on the time travel.

Uh, right, yeah, well, me and her, we was on the couch when

this glowing majestic gateway appeared and we drifted into it.

And we found ourselves in a gorgeous city made entirely of

crystal or something. Yeah, and we were welcomed by

a group of people made up of just all the races in the world

and they said, we are the council of humanity, this is the

future. It was so beautiful.

And you, miss Rafferty? Yeah, a little different for

me, I must have been on the wrong side of the portal or

something, because I wasn't so much welcomed to the future as I

was violently sucked a million years into the past.

I went to caveman times, man. I got yanked so hard, my sweats

and my sneaks stayed in the present.

So I land ass up face down in the mud with my cooter and

tooter on full display. And I'm thinking, "gosh, last

time I was in this position, I got kicked out of Woodstock

'99." and were there people there

to welcome you as well? "People" is such a strong

word. You know on the

evolution chart where you see how the monkeys became human?

These guys hadn't hit the halfway Mark yet.

Let's focus on what happened in the future.

It was beautiful, I would have wept but I was all cried

out from watching "nurse Jackie" on showtime.

These two are walking around wakanda, meanwhile, where I'm

at, it's the rise of the planet of the apes, all 50 of these

hairy monkey people are rubbing me with their butts.

It ain't exactly a tuscan sunset.

Perhaps this was some sort of primitive religious ritual?

Buddy, god had no part in this.

They were marking me with their scent.

And these guys weren't exactly zestfully clean.

They zebra striped my t-shirt so much, I looked like a foot

locker employee. It's never easy making new

friends, right? Noted.

And what happened next in the future?

We was taken to this place called the oculus and inside was

all these gateways to other solar systems.

Each one was a planet they had colonized.

I couldn't believe I was chosen to witness this.

I too was chosen. Chosen by the Alpha female to be

her new girlfriend. She comes at me like a

silverback, right? Ragdolls me.

And look, I really ain't into ladies but if nothing else is

open, I'll eat at a taco bell, you smell what I'm saying?

Yes, I think I do. So anyway, this gal wants to

bond, right? Do you mind, Dex?

She climbs on my back, right, she starts picking at me,

looking for stuff to eat. And unfortunately she's finding

a buffet. So I guess the snack got her in

the mood because then she starts like grinding into my head,

trying to mate with my hair, I guess.

She's using my face for like a handhold.

Then she goes back to eating, climbs around the front and sees

my ear, which I guess she thinks is some kind of vending machine

because she's just -- she's candling.

But there ain't no wax. Okay.

Then for the grand finale she reaches down, she pops a finger

up her keester, and I'm like, hey, curious Georgina, last

person to try that never saw his wedding ring again.

Yes. Thank you for that.

No problem. And thank you, Dex.

Your jeans rug burned my neck.

I got bushed, smushed by a cave woman.

You'll live. Now, how were you all brought

back to the present? Umm, well, the portal opened

up, and the council said when fear is replaced by trust, your

world will begin to change. So then we were home.

Yeah. It was the most amazing thing

that's ever happened to me. Right up there with getting that

email that said you've been selected for a free month of the

showtime channel. See, that's piss in my

porridge because when I dove in the portal to get home, still

pantsless, mind you, I landed downward dog in a grand Hyatt

casino with my bean burrito in Barry levine's face.

Who is Barry levine? A young man who will never

forget his bar mitzvah.

We would like to take you all for a medical exam.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Game of thrones, it's my favorite show.

Houses, lots of wine, a big ass wall, never miss an episode.

I didn't know you like game of thrones.

I don't really like to talk about my personal life.

I don't like that attention. Okay.

Never miss an episode, I assume some crows.

Pete, this is my friend gray worm.

Oh, hey, what's up, man? Did you say your last name is

worm? You know nothing, Pete

Davidson. I'm a penis.

You don't have to do a rap about game of thrones just

because it's the most popular show in the world right now.

What are you saying, if I'm going to do an epic rap song for

the finale, it should be about a TV show I like?

I don't think you should do a rap at all.

My favorite TV show is Gracie and Frankie.

Why? One of the first ones to be

off of five seasons, sweet old ladies is the reason.

You better grab a hanky, that's what I'm talking about.

Grace and franky. Dj khaled.

We the best. Better than game of thrones.

Let me catch you up a little bit on the smash hit, the

options, ain't that classic. This is getting expensive.

You don't know what you're missing, Craig t. Nelson, Ernie

Hudson. They're both like 80 something,

riding hot air balloons like it's nothing.

It sure is something. Grace and Frankie.

They're different but they're friends.

It's a nice show. Dj khaled.

I changed it. Now you just rap about whatever

your favorite TV show is. Any show I want?

My favorite TV show is mother [ Bleep ] grace and Frankie.

Season 4 is guest starring Lisa kudrow.

Two graces are unusual. Things starting cracking, grace

had that scooter accident. That's the tip of the iceberg.

Grace and Frankie. Remember, when he had that sleep

apnea? That was crazy.

Frankie was sick and grace might [ Bleep ] Mary Nick.

Grace and Frankie, best in the game.

Dj khaled. React.

I got a dragon you can sit on right here.

All right.

It's time to play "what's wrong with this picture."

[ Applause ] Hello, everybody, I'm your host

Elliott pants. Welcome to another round of

what's wrong with this picture. The rules are simple.

All you got to do is look at a picture, tell me what's wrong

with it. If you're right, you might win a

Toyota beef. The first car for thick boys.

Contestants, are you ready to play?

Gina? Yes, daddy.

I don't like that. Steven.

I didn't come here to make friends, but I would like it to

happen. Okay.

Louis? What's up?

I'm introducing you. Oh, thank you.

Okay. I guess this is who is available

at 2:00 P.M. on a weekday. Let's go to your first puzzle.

Who can tell me what's wrong with this picture?

There's something very wrong with this picture.

Can you spot it? Oh, I got it.

They're siblings who know they shouldn't have kissed.

What? No.

That's not close. Oh, man.

Louis. Her hair has too many shrimps

in it. I'm sorry.

Did you say shrimp? By her ears are shrimp.

No, those are her pig tails. Yeah.

That's not shrimp. Getting a little worried about

this. Gina.

He's pointing at her butt door and explaining its

features. No.

Something in this picture is physically impossible.

They're gay. What?

Boys and girls can't be gay on each other.

That don't work. Has to be the same.

No. I'll give you a hint.

Something is missing in the picture.

Louis. Love.

Plus the knockers behind them don't have nipples.

Okay. That's a bush.

That's inappropriate. Can you really not see it?

The swing is missing a rope. Then why are they smiling?

Because his jeans leave very little to the imagination and

they like that. Well, that made me angry.

All right. Here is your next picture.

Gina. Yeah, I got it.

She's 4 years old but the boobies grew too fast.

Oh, my god, no. The twins are in the fish

tank and she can't get out. That is not a fish tank, that

is a mirror. Then where are all the fish?

I hate you. Steven.

Oh, I see it now. The answer is she just did

blackface and got away with it. The only problem is she got the

job. Now what?

No. Now, stop it.

The reflection is wearing a belt.

It's wearing a belt. All right, next.

Oh, I know. Her chair is empty because she

just got raptured. But once she got up there, god

did a twirl and his robe flew up and she thinks she saw his

thing. Gross!

Wrong. The objects come to life at

night but the only problem is they're poor.

For the love of -- that computer has a virus and

I hate to tell you but it's aids.

Uh, are you okay, Mr. Pant? No.

And it's pants. Look at that.

What is that? A date tent?

That is not a tent. There is no such thing as June

31st. Okay.

We're doing exactly one more of these.

What's wrong with this picture? Oh, she's wearing

rollerblades instead of ice skates.

Oh, my god, that's right. And I think it's my wife.

Can I say hi? That is a drawing.

This has been what's wrong with this picture.

What are you doing? We got to start screening

these people. [ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, dj khaled.

[ Cheers and applause ] They were saying I would

never do "SNL." So I'm doing "SNL" season

finale. Another one.

♪ Jealous jealous ♪ put your hands in the sky

like this. Make some noise for Lil Wayne.

♪ You mad or you jealous you sad or you settle

the brighter the rainbow the badder the weather ♪

♪ the good with the bad but the badder the better

bring my sand to the beach and to the desert ♪

♪ we fell from the heavens we landed like feathers

the roads and the rubble keep your nose ♪

♪ out of petals your -- know my schedule

and my -- know I'm special they know not to question ♪

♪ you know I'm not Alexa she post a pic of me and

her from off her iPad you know them ♪

♪ don't like that where the likes at

jealousy is a disease you can die man ♪

♪ tunchi, Sean, c.B. Khaled have that ♪

♪ I need some loving ♪ ♪

Hands like this and shake it. ♪ and I'm the one

don't let no one change your mind

girl they just jealous ♪ ♪ jealous jealous

don't want us together-gether-gether

girl they just jealous ♪ ♪ jealous jealous

don't want us together-gether-gether

these jealous jealous ♪ ♪ I can't relate to

the type to follow you but hardly follow through

you say I'm on your mind ♪ ♪ I'm wondering why

I'm not on you girl you fresh

out the shower ♪ ♪ towel around your head

like you're erykah badu it's lookin' like a spa day

I'm re-arranging chakras ♪ ♪ listenin' to sade

let's take a road trip and get high on the highway

migrate spend time ♪ ♪ laid back watch

the sky change whoa

and I hear the jealousy ♪ ♪ but look I never listen

the quickest way to let something die is

lack of attention ♪ ♪ and you got it all

you lookin' good as my intentions

we on an ascension ♪ ♪ straight up

another one. I go by the name of dj khaled,

father of asahd. And tonight we make more

history. It's we the best music.

It's rock nation. It's

epic records. Everything I love.

Make some noise for jeremih. Dj khaled.

♪ Why oh, why ♪ ♪ cry every night ♪

Make some noise for meek Milly. ♪ I don't know how you do it

but you did it I'll admit it

and who am I to be a ♪ ♪ critic and tell

you different you know I never

speak on that ♪ ♪ it's not my business

but I could tell you that his level's

no competition ♪ ♪ and I'm optimistic that

I'm 'bout to hit it and um, I can tell you've

been crying in ♪ ♪ Honda civics

because I caught you slipping left you no choice

you ever cry again ♪ ♪ it's gon' be

in a rolls Royce I wipe your face with them

new hundreds to ♪ ♪ make your tears dry

hitting it on a jet this ain't no red eye

got you chasing dreams ♪ ♪ and it ain't even bedtime

and don't you dare bring up your ex 'cause he a dead guy

I wonder ♪ ♪ why oh why

oh why? Do you ride

do you stick by his side ♪ ♪ if he makes you

cry every night girl I see the

pain in your eyes ♪ ♪ I don't know why

oh why you stay you stay oh

you stay you stay ♪ make some noise for the

little baby. Acl, let's go.

♪ You give him chance after chance

'cause you say maybe one day he'll ♪

♪ grow up and be a man and lately you been pouring

out your heart on the 'gram but you been playing your ♪

♪ part from the start I understand

I put carats on your hand but see I'm one ♪

♪ of them bad guys and I can't promise

you the world but I promise you'll be ♪

♪ better than last time as long as you're loyal

you got a plan I'll do more than spoil ♪

♪ I'll be there to support you

drop top in the wintertime whatever just to ♪

♪ see you smile private jet from time to time

by the ocean I'll drive you wild ♪

♪ whatever your decision I'm with it

no asking why I catch you ♪

♪ slipping at all you gon' be mine ♪

Make some noise for j balvin. [ Singing in foregin language ]

[ Speaking foreign language ] ♪ you stay you stay

you stay you stay you stay you ♪

♪ you stay you stay you stay you stay

think you're too loyal ♪ [ Speaking foreign language ]

♪ You stay you stay ♪ you stay you stay ♪

♪ I think you're too loyal ♪ summer starts now.

Summer starts now. Summer starts now.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and

Michael che. ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.

What's wrong with you? Hey, stop it.

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to weekend update,

I'm Michael che. I'm Colin jost.

This season of "SNL" started in 2018, but it looks like it's

going to end up somewhere back in the 1970s.

I mean, amid rising tensions with Iran there were rumors that

the White House is now sending 120 thousand more troops to the

middle east but don't worry, President Trump set the record

straight with this firm and reassuring message.

Mr. President are we going to war with Iran?

I hope not. You know it's up to you,

right? You don't have to outsource this

decision to John Bolton, the islamophobic lorax.

And now lawmakers for both sides of the aisle are demanding more

information on what exactly the Iran threat even is.

So far the only evidence the administration has provided is

this disturbing image. China retaliated to president

Trump's tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products

the U.S. sells to China. What the hell do we sell to

China besides marvel movies and credit card debt?

I've never been to China but I have been to Chinatown.

And one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can

just make for themselves. All they got to do is change one

letter and sell a billion abble watches.

Jared kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting

evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump

administration's new immigration plan.

What I would not give to be a fly on that wall, watching all

the other flies swarm around their master.

And in a plan backed by the Trump administration, NASA has

announced it will send the first woman to the moon by 2024.

Unfortunately it's against her will.

It's a plan they're referring to as launch her up.

Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex

strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws.

Look, I support that, but I just don't think these republican

senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home.

I bet if their wives said, I'm on a sex strike, they would be

like, cool, I'll be at the airport men's room, don't wait

up for me. Up for me.

Fox news host jeanine pirro has lost up to 20% of her

advertisers since making controversial comments about a

Muslim congresswoman. Here to comment is jeanine

pirro. Hello, I'm judge

jeanine pirro, and here I just want to thank the brave

sponsors who stuck with me despite accusations by the

radical loony left. To companies like Jeep I say,

thank you. And to mitsubishi I say, domo

arigato. Sorry Daniel-San, looks like

wax off. You don't have to be so loud,

cause I can hear you. No can do, buddy.

20 years ago I yelled at a waiter because my Cobb salad had

a cranberry in it. And now I'm locked at this

volume every day for the rest of my life.

It's rumored that fox has only kept you on the air because

Donald Trump personally called the network on your behalf.

That's because Donald Trump is a class act.

He is the Michael Jordan of presidents and the Wesley snipes

of taxes. He's a wiz in the boardroom, and

sometimes wizzes a little in the bedroom.

Jeanine, I hate to ask this, but have you been drinking?

Colin, I haven't been drinking.

I currently am drinking. I vow to enjoy a drink every

time President Trump ignores a congressional subpoena.

And let me tell, mama is a lizard.

Despite Trump's stonewalling, it's likely Robert Mueller will

testify before congress. What!

Colin, look. That's terrible idea.

The report is done. Case closed.

Senor Mueller has spoken, and he said, no hablo collusion man.

Well, I'm going to let you finish before I say the next

part. Okay.

Okay. So, the democrats could make him

testify if they start impeachment proceedings.

What! Colin Jessica jost, impeachment

would be crazy. Okay?

That is the last resort of the loopy loco left who hate this

president and his sick Mac daddy energy.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't think that's the case because, look, I'm sorry that

your drink is gone before I say this.

Brood bloody Mary. No, no, no, I got an extra

one. Why would you have an extra

drink? Thank you, thank you, kenan.

[ Laughter ] What a nice guy.

Funny, too. So by ignoring

the subpoenas, I'm just going to hold your arm right here for a

second, by ignoring the subpoenas, Trump might actually

give democrats more reason to impeach.

What! No!

No! Colin!

I'm so wet. Jeanine pirro, everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ] Free Morrissey.

Free Morrissey. It was reported that more

than 400 million pieces of plastic have been found washed

up on the shores of a remote island in the Indian ocean.

For reference, here is what 400 million pieces of plastic look

like. [ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] Comedian prince rock is

teaming up with lionsgate for a new "saw" which I am assuming

will be called "seent." That's a fun joke.

A new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest

accents in America. But keep in mind, the survey was

conducted by catastrophic hearing loss magazine.

Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the pbs

children's cartoon Arthur in which Arthur's teacher is

revealed to be gay. Meanwhile no one seems to care

that pepa pig's head is a full-on penis.

Tonight is the last show of the season, and che and I have

decided that our end of the year gifts to each other would be

jokes. Yeah.

So we're making each other read jokes live on air that the other

person has never seen before. Yeah.

Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

And the idea, Michael, isn't to try to sabotage each other.

It's to just give over here fun jokes.

Uh-huh. Why don't you go first?

Okay. Yeah.

A student in Texas who is nicknamed white lightning set a

high school record by running the hundred-meter dash in 9.98

second. Coincidentally, people call me

white lightning because I also finish in under ten seconds.

[ Cheers and applause ] Doctors in Iowa have

confirmed a dog disease that can be passed on to humans.

Fine, I'll wear a condom. A new report finds that as

people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity

is disrupting chimpanzee culture.

Incidentally, chimpanzee culture is also what my grandpa calls

hip-hop. Why?

Whoa. I wouldn't have said that.

Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the catholic

church would confront the clergy sex abuse head-on.

Instead of their usual way, face down, ass up.

Come on. This will be good.

I'm sure. A substitute teacher in north

Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of

elementary students that Martin Luther king Jr. killed himself.

In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his

mouth. Why!

You're going to get me murdered. You're going to get me murdered.

Well, this is a terrible transition.

This week Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion.

And what many say is part of a larger effort to overturn roe v.

Wade. Here to comment is our own

Leslie Jones. Are you in a "handmaid's tale"

outfit? We are all handmaids now so

my name is of jost. Leslie, I don't think society

is quite there yet. No?

You would think that, right? You would really think that, but

this is how it starts. I'm not living my life when I

see on the news a bunch of states are trying to ban

abortion, and then tell me what I can and can't do with my body.

Next thing you know, I'm in Starbucks, and they won't take

my credit card because I'm a woman instead of the regular

reason, which is why I don't have no money on it.

What made me really mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators

who voted for the abortion ban. Throw that picture up.

Mm-hmm. Look at them.

All men. [ Audience reacts ]

This looks like the casting call for of a Lipitor commercial.

This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage

parlor. And if any of them had lips, I

would tell them to kiss my entire ass.

You can't control women. You can't control women.

Because I don't know if you heard, but women are the same as

humans. [ Applause ]

And I'm Leslie dracarys Jones. I mean,

why do all you weird ass men care about what women choose to

do with their bodies anyway? I don't care what you do with

your 65-year-old droopy ass ball.

And how is Alabama's woman governor going along with this?

What? Me, I'm re bell I couldn't say.

Don't take away my choice to have a bad morning.

When women have a Joyce, women have freedom.

[ Cheers and applause ] You tell 'em, Leslie.

Shut up! You flat white privileged latte.

Look, the fact that nine states are doing this means this really

is a war on women. And if you're a woman out there

and you feel scared or confused, just know that you're not alone.

There are so many women out there that got your back,

especially me. Leslie dracarys bad bitch Jones.

You can't tell me what to do with my body.

You can't make me small or put me in a box.

I'm 6 feet tall and 233 pounds. Ain't no box big enough to hold

me. And I know because one time I

tried to mail myself to a dude. Leslie Jones, everyone.

>>

What a beautiful antiques store.

Honey, look at this old sign. It says I only drink on days

that start with "t." Tuesday, Thursday, today,

tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday. That's hilarious.

We probably don't need that since you're not drinking

anymore. Oh, right.

You do remember that conversation?

Yeah, sure. Hey, look what Emily found.

Look! Oh, look, it's a music box

with a ballerina on top. My grandmother had one of these.

Oh, that's a wonderful choice.

They don't make them like that anymore.

And very affordable. Our daughter just started

ballet lessons. She's not very good.

$60, I don't know. Wind the bottom and she'll

dance for you. ♪♪♪

Wow. Don't you wish you could dance

like that, sweetie? The song is so pretty.

Do you know the name of it? Of course.

It's "fancy party." "Fancy party," I don't know

that. Sure you do.

It's a famous old beautiful song.

Wind it again, let's see if I remember the words.

♪ It started, the fancy party's finally getting started ♪

♪ nothing can go wrong, owe wait, I farted, now my whole

world will never be the same ♪ that's "fancy party."

Hold on. The song is about a ballerina

having gas at a party? That's right.

And the catastrophic effect it has on her life, relationships

and dancing career. That's not real.

Sure it is. Your grandmother probably sang

it to you while you went to sleep.

Wind it again, you'll remember. ♪♪♪

♪ I beefed one, they hired me for dancing, then I beefed one ♪

♪ it was oh, so very long and not a brief one ♪

♪ because I beefed one ♪ ♪ now this whole fancy party

knows my name ♪ wait, I do know this.

>>. ♪ I gave them quite a scare when

I jumped up in the air and out a fruity rooty came ♪

I knew you knew it. ♪ I'm sorry if you're eating but

my tights just took a beating and now I fear I'll never dance

again ♪ ♪ I farted ♪

I was just passing by and heard "fancy party."

♪♪♪ ♪ now the party has sadly

departed because I farted ♪ ♪ that's just how it goes ♪

Sing it again. Let's do it.

Oh, know. Did I break it?

What have you done? What have you done?

It wasn't one of a kind, was it?

Surely there are more. Please, please.

And that's a twilight zone. ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Announcer: You're watching "the view."

Can you believe they're not mic'd?

Hello, hello. This is "the view," the most

high stakes brunch on television.

I'm whoopie goldberg. Later today we'll be talking

about dinosaurs, are they just silly?

Alabama passed a near total ban on abortion.

We're about to pop off. We'll start with Amy huntsman.

Thanks, whoop, it's Abby but I can change it.

They're calling this the war on women.

I don't think women should fight.

I think women should be best friends like us.

Right, joy? Yeah, sure, sweetie.

Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill.

Maybe they're so concerned about what happens to a six-week-old

fetus because they all look like one.

Blobby nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads.

They're like, oh, my god, it's me.

This law is backwards. It is regressive.

It is texting your ex, honey, you don't want to do that.

It's backwards, it's regressive. Oh, no, I'm skipping.

Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at

this table. So I have to say, these senators

are actually very good and fun guys so I am spending love to

Clyde Chambliss and garland gujer.

And those are all real names, okay?

Please, please, guys, let me talk.

No one else is talking. Okay.

You see, and I'm getting attacked, and as the person most

upset right now, I am right. We got a live wire.

Anything's going to set her off. What, what?

Down, down. No, down!

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for

president. He's also the youngest.

Please give it up for Pete buttigieg.

♪♪♪ [ Applause ]

Hello. Hi.

How are you? I'm ready to work.

See my exposed forearms? Now, I hear when you grow up,

you want to be president. Well, I am grown up.

Aww. I may only be 37 years old

but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans.

I'm just a Harvard educated, multilingual war veteran rhodes

scholar. I'm just like you.

So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone?

I got like 8,000 unread emails. Look, ladies, I'm here to

talk about issues, like climate change.

There you go, I fixed it. Okay.

You're my nephew. My nephew for president.

You have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

Pete. Oh, okay.

I was thinking pad thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

So you really think that you're ready to be president?

Am I ready? [ Speaking foreign language ]

And what was that last one? A language I made up to speak

to gnomes. I got to ask because I'm sure

it's come up. You're gay.

That's not a question. But I do want to say that I

wouldn't be running for president if I didn't believe

America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay

man in the public eye. I think I saw your husband

backstage. Bring him out.

Oh, no, I'm here to talk about my policies.

Husband, husband! Husband!

[ Cheers and applause ] Hello, I'm chasten buttigieg.

He took the name buttigieg. That's commitment, right?

Ha ha ha, yes, be my friend or I'll die.

This is all so new to me. Usually I'm just home with the

dog. You're gay and you have dogs?

I love that. I'm voting for you.

Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe biden.

Take me to Delaware. We love him.

My Prez. Oh, Joe.

♪ I need you ♪ ♪ I need you like mercy from

heaven's gate ♪ there's a freedom in your arms ♪

Thank you both for being here.

Joy, you need to let me talk. I have said nothing all day!

What? Not today, Satan.

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon musk

teaches us to vape. This is "the view."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Once again, dj khaled. [ Cheers and applause ]

Mama Assad. Assad, my son.

Everything for you. It's "just us."

Only us. Another one.

♪♪♪ hold up, hold up.

Another one. Put your hands in the sky like

this! It's dj khaled!

It's sza. Another one.

Let's go. Dj khaled.

♪ Back against the wall middle fingers in the air

busting through the crowd they gon' feel me now ♪

♪ straight shooter from the hip yeah

we heavy in here tell me get 'em ♪

♪ then I got 'em get 'em

99 problems but you ain't one been so high lately ♪

♪ I don't care who's goin' down

you could see it in my eyes he been hitting it right ♪

♪ got me wishing that he wasn't oh no

what we gon' do and I need it all night ♪

♪ will love show me what it feels like

I let you pull up on me broad day light ♪

♪ shots over here f the other side

we don't gotta lay low we grown ♪

♪ a field trip and I don't need no chaperone

I'm tryna get ghost hands in the sky ♪

♪ its just us lets go

oh oh another one ♪

♪ it's just us against the world

in this life of sin ain't nobody gonna ♪

♪ take us out it's always us never them

it's just us against the world ♪

♪ when the smoke clears all we got is all we got

it's always us, never them ♪ ♪ sing it like an angel

I need ♪♪♪ lets take it to the streets.

Lets take it to Philadelphia streets.

This deejay khaled. This meek mill.

"Saturday night live." Top of the charts.

Lets go. Dj khaled.

♪ Drop top gone drop top gone

selling popcorn selling popcorn ♪

♪ I went from licks to most wanted

to the top of the Forbes ♪ ♪ trek through the trenches

trenches I weather the storm

storm ♪ ♪ young living legend

I be on that -- that these -- ain't on

these ain't on ♪ ♪ I went to war

with the system yeah to give my son toys

on Christmas yeah ♪ ♪ probably won't give me

no grammy yeah putting awards on wishlist

yeah ♪ ♪ we had to kill

just to make it out we puttin' rewards on --

lets go ♪ ♪ live by the gun

and we die about it I'm praying the sword

don't kill us ♪ ♪ praying the lord

forgive us I'm going to war with killers

they put a bounty ♪ ♪ on all on my dawgs

want 'em dead by morning what else ♪

♪ we took risks to live like this

ain't doing consignment what else ♪

♪ I brought my mama tears and I turned 'em

to vvs diamonds lets go come on ♪

♪ I know you see me on top of my game

ain't see me declining declining ♪

♪ turned to a monster the next time you saw me

you seen I was climbing what ♪

♪ they took my elevator I said I'm taking the steps

steps got me on bail ♪

♪ they want me in jail they say I'm a threat

what fighting for freedom ♪

♪ 11 years they been taking my breath

taking my breath watching the feds ♪

♪ take pictures it been making me sweat

makin' me sweat tapping my phone ♪

♪ taking my rights and making 'em wrong

makin 'em wrong deep in this -- ♪

♪ had to dance with the devil to make it

back home woah ♪ long live nipsey hussle.

[ Cheers and applause ] The marathon continues.

Make some noise for John legend! ♪ oh

you keep taking me higher and higher

yeah ♪ ♪ but don't you know

that the devil is a liar I know

they'd rather see me down ♪ ♪ put my soul in the fire

but we keep goin' higher higher

you keep takin' me higher ♪ ♪ and higher

yeah don't you know

that the devil is a liar ♪ ♪ I know they'd rather

see me down put my soul in the fire

but we keep goin' higher ♪ ♪ higher

hey oh, lord

can you feel it ♪ ♪ whoa ♪

♪ my shoes are scrapin' the sky

I'm so high we keep goin' higher ♪♪♪

Yeah talk to 'em. Told khaled bounce the four

'til the bar break. Long live nipsey hussle.

The marathon continues. [ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, hey, les, a change in the court sketch, you're going

to be the bailiff now. Owe cool, thanks, Kyle.

What are you watching? Russian car crashes, they're

crazy over there. I was watching those videos

we made for the show when we were in love with each other.

Why did we stop making them? I wanted to show you a pretty

fun clip. May I?

Oh, my god. Tell me I'm not dreaming.

We was babies. It was like last year.

But you know it's weird, sometimes people will come up to

me on the street and say, are you really dating Leslie?

Me and you? They truly thought it was

real. Ridiculous.

Yeah, so ridiculous. Yeah.

Well, I should get out of here.

So enjoy your videos, madam. Thank you, sir.

Umm, hey, Kyle. What's up?

Got some wine. You want to maybe have a glass

of wine, we can watch videos. Yeah, sure.

I mean, I drink every day, so -- yes, let's do it.

Thanks. Well, to a wonderful year.

Oh, yes. Ooh, you got some on your lip.

Thank you. Is this happening right now?

I don't know. ♪♪♪

♪ why do birds suddenly appear ♪ ♪ every time you are near ♪

♪ just like me, they long to be ♪

♪ close to you ♪

♪♪♪

Oh, god, crap! [ Screaming ]

Whoa! What the [ Bleep ] are you

doing? This is my dressing room.

Hey, sorry, man. Oh, god.

What's that smell? Ew!

It stinks over here too. Were you [ Bleep ] over here

too? It smells like a bad tooth.

My shoes are sticking to the floor.

It's like an old movie theater. Sorry.

Oh, crap. Are you still doing it?

Get out of here. We said sorry, dude.

Are you stressed out? We were just having sex for a

few hours. Relax.

Yea, I'm stressed out. I just -- I want the finale to

go well. I didn't mean to yell.

Sorry. Aww baby.

That feels good. Mmm.

Is this happening?

♪♪♪

Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose.

You girls want some snacks? I've got pita chips, raisins,

and salt. Okay, bye, dad.

All right, I'll get out of your hair.

Just let me know if you want any of those things.

Sorry 'my dad. But hey, I thought of something

scary we can do. Ooh, cool.

Ouija board. Let's get spooky.

Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions.

If you are here, give us a sign. Ha ha ha ha!

I am bealthor, mistress of the nine hell.

Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

Ask your question, mortals. Okay.

I'll go. Demon, which one of us will get

married first? Ah, the whispers of the

damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first

to wed. Samantha!

Demon, thank you. Do you know, we should

celebrate, you guys. Pizza!

Pizza girls, at it again. I mean, I like pizza.

Oh, I think we're kind of done with the ouija stuff.

Oh, same here. You know what we should get on

our pizza? Pineapple!

Ew, that sounds gross. Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is

so gross. I was just joking about that.

Hey, let's watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

I don't know, bealthor, it's kind of late to start a movie.

Yeah, I was thinking that too, as soon as I said it, I was

like, it's too late, I'm so stupid.

Girls, why does the whole house smell like brimstone?

Oh, hey, Ashley, right? No, dad, this is bealthor.

Is that Greek? Mazeltov.

Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips.

I think I do see something behind your ear.

Oh, it's a go-gurt. It's the last one so take a

squirt and pass it around. I'll be downstairs, working that

swiffer. Dads.

Totally. My dad is all, I'm Satan, god

cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

What are you even talking about?

My bad. Sorry for being weird.

I'm just really struggling with my home life right now.

And I guess I've been feeling really ugly lately.

Don't or she'll never leave. I'm going to go to the

bathroom. Guess who ordered thai food.

So if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be --

where's the goth kid? Hi, Satan?

Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super

fake. I don't believe what I'm

hearing. Were you girls bullying

bealthor? Dad, she's leaving.

I don't want to hear it, Christine.

So she has horns, big whoop. Maybe her differences are what

make her cool. Yeah, I guess you're right,

Mr. Sanderson. You're right.

We'll be nice. Hey, so my dad says that I

can't spend the night. Anyway, I'm sorry for ruining

your party. Bealthor, wait.

These girls have something they would like to say.

Girls? Bealthor, we're sorry.

Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spent the

night. Really?

Yes! Yay.

Hey, who wants to know how they're going to die?

Me! [ Cheers and applause ]

Thanks to dj khaled, Alec Baldwin, Robert De Niro, lil'

Wayne, meek mill, little baby, sza, John legend.

I've got to say thank you to lorne, the cast, the crew, I

love you, Jack and darby. Have a great, great summer.

Thank you. Season 44 in the books.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪