Original subtitles

It's not hard. You just grab a ladder, you grab a trowel

and you scoop the leaves out of the gutter.

What happens if there are spiders?

You grab some gloves, you snowflake.

Ah. Look, I would do it

but I'm suffering from ankylosing...

Ankylosing spondylitis. Yes, I know.

Look, just get it done before the rain comes.

Oh, and Flynn...

... if our ladder's not long enough, just grab the Ballas' ladder.

It's lying next to their house.

Don't ask them, though, 'cause they won't even know it's gone.

Oh.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

MAN: Hello, hello, hello.

You're listening to the History Buffs podcast.

And if you love egg cups then strap yourselves in,

because that's all we're gonna be discussing

for the next 90 minutes.

Today I'm joined by the Picasso of egg cup designs,

Mr Vincent Sadella. Vincent, welcome to the show.

Don't go into the backyard. Snake.

Come on, come on, come on.

WOMAN: City of Fawkner.

- Would you mind holding, please? - Oh, hi, it's an emergen... cy.

Yes, what department, please?

Oh, hi. Wildlife.

There is no wildlife department.

Look, I need to get a tiger snake humanely relocated.

- I'll put you through. - Okay, thank you.

WOMAN: Pet Services.

Yeah, hi, I think I've been put through to the wrong department.

I have a tiger snake in my backyard.

I need to get it humanely relocated.

I'll transfer you to animal control.

OK, that'd be great. Thank you.

Pet services.

Yes, hello, it's still me with the tiger snake.

- Ugh, hang on. - [DOOR OPENS]

Thank you.

MAN: Animal control.

Oh, hi. Yes, I have what I think is a tiger snake in my backyard.

I wanted to see if I could get it humanely relocated.

No worries. What's the address?

Oh, fantastic.

- It's 7 Bendigo Street. - [GUNFIRE]

Just hold on.

Got him!

[GASPS]

[VOMITS]

Oh, Jesus.

What'd you do that for?

To protect the family.

You just killed a peaceful creature that

meant no-one any harm.

With a gun.

Oi, don't cry, Fin.

You know, it's not actually that easy,

shooting a head off a snake.

If I'm honest, I thought you might be more impressed.

Where'd the gun come from?

It's mine.

You know I represented Melbourne Metropolitan

in clay target shooting.

No, I thought you represented Melbourne Metropolitan in boxing.

Clay target shooting, boxing, field hockey.

Okay, so all the glamour sports, then.

Which sport did you represent Melbourne Metropolitan in, Fin?

Hey? Latte sipping? Sit-down pissing?

Crying when the wi-fi goes down?

You cry too.

I cry like a real man when Collingwood wins,

during the national anthem, and at the end of Toy Story 3.

Is everything alright?

It is now.

Your dad just murdered a snake.

You can't murder a reptile, you dolt.

I did however just kill the seventh most deadly snake in the world.

It was just... it was just minding its own business,

enjoying the sunshine, your dad shoots its head off.

- Wow, its head? - Yes.

- Yep. - From what range?

10 metres.

Not bad.

- Thank you. - What?

- That's... - I thought you loved animals.

I do. But you have to admit,

- that is an amazing shot. - Good shot.

Wait, did you know that there was a gun in the house?

No. I thought he was gonna put it into storage.

I was, yes. And then I thought to myself,

"Hang about, what if there's an intruder? Who's gonna protect you?"

- I don't need protection. - Fin?

What's Fin gonna do, smash an avocado in his face?

Hang on, last time we went toe to toe, you came off second best.

You threw a lucky punch

at a gentleman with ankylosing spondylitis.

Wow, you've made it to five o'clock

without mentioning ankylosing spondylitis.

- I owe you a beer. - Fin!

Be careful, snowflake.

You are getting lippy with a sharpshooter holding a .22.

- Dad! - Go on, do it.

Do it. That way we'll get you out of the house for 10 to 15 years.

- Stop provoking him - No, I'm sorry.

As far as I'm concerned,

either your dad's gun goes, or he goes with the gun.

So, either way, no guns.

And preferably, no Mr Black, if I'm being honest.

Well, I don't want any guns here either.

And there it is.

I nurse you as a baby, I wipe your bottom,

I put you through school, I get you off heroin.

I put in a good word for you at The Post

and now you're gonna side with your dickhead boyfriend

who wants me out.

This is not about siding with anyone,

it's about not wanting guns in the house.

- Well... - Shit!

Oh, settle down, snowflake.

It's not even loaded.

I used all my ammunition on the snake

I was trying to protect you from.

Unbelievable.

Bloody...

The gun or me.

[GROANS] Bastard.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It's not a good time, love.

Come on, just give me the gun. Please!

The storage place is on my way to work.

Sorry, no-one's going anywhere with my gun.

Dad, this is our house, our rules.

No firearms, okay?

But for starters, it's firearm, singular.

Secondly, we used to have guns in the house

when you were a little girl and you used to love them.

Third, as the only male in the house it's my job to protect you.

Dad, there have been multiple instances

of people being disarmed by intruders

and then shot with their own guns.

Fake news.

It happened in Hawthorn last week.

If you read The Post you'd know about it.

No offense, love, but that paper's gone to the dogs since I left.

And I'm not about to be disarmed by a drug-addled intruder, am I?

I mean, who do you think I am? Fin?

Look, Dad, Fin's made you pancakes.

We know how much you love your Saturday morning pancakes.

I'm not a fan of your pancakes, mate. Too floury.

And it's not even Saturday.

Alright. Well, we'll chuck 'em in the bin, then.

No, I'll eat them.

Reluctantly.

Well, we'll need to come in.

No. No, no.

Just leave them at the door and then...

... everybody step away.

Dad, just let me take the gun.

I said step away.

Go on. Back, back.

Back it up. Keep going, please.

Back it up.

Go! Go! Go, go, go!

Okay, then, I'm off.

Dad, it would be great if the gun was in storage

by the time I got back.

And can you please do something about that poor snake?

I don't want it decomposing on the lawn.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- What did he say? - I...

Those police round stories you did last night

are still doing very good business.

Second most popular story of the day

was the croc that escaped from the zoo

and was roaming the streets of Parkville.

So, congrats on that.

- I'm blushing. Thank you, boss. - Thank you.

But by far the most popular story

was the Two Dead In Bendigo Siege.

Absolute cracker. 2,000 shares just on Facebook.

If I had a criticism, and, look, it'd just be a small one,

it'd be that there was only one person dead.

One of the guys you reported as dead rang this morning,

said he's very much alive

and was shopping at Coles at the time of the siege.

Now, unfortunately, both stories were filed

from the generic police rounds logging.

So, I'm just going to ask you two point blank,

which one of you geniuses wrote it?

- Angela. - What?!

Sorry. I could just...

... no, I could tell that you weren't gonna own up to it, so I...

That's because I didn't write it.

I was on the croc story, as you well know.

Oh, Ange.

You're just digging yourself in deeper.

Well we're gonna need to get to the bottom of this.

And by the close of play tomorrow, one of you will be fired.

Sorry, Angela.

I had nothing to do with the Bendigo story.

Ange, Thomas doesn't make stuff up.

Plus, his headlines are glorious!

What's the one with the rugby player and the prostitute?

- Here We Ho Again. - Here We Ho Again.

How do you...? It's just brilliant.

- Excuse me. - Yeah, go.

Where do you find your inspiration for these sort of things?

Creativity comes and it strikes,

and I take the opportunity and ride with it.

See, I can't do that. That's a gift.

Do you remember demanding that I write the croc story

because it's human interest

and women are great at writing human interest?

No. No, but women are great at writing human interest.

We're also great at writing crime.

IE, we don't place people at a crime scene and kill them off

when they're actually at Coles.

Apparently you do.

Why not tell the editor the truth?

Angela, I'm not gonna take the hit for you, okay?

I just put a down payment on a Vespa 946.

Yeah, I'm gonna be the Vespa guy around here.

And you are not gonna take that away from me.

The Vespa guy?

What lad mag told you that was a thing?

It is a thing, and I'm it.

And you can just get your dad to get you a job somewhere else.

Just because you haven't seen your dad since you were five.

I'll have you know he got in contact with me recently

'cause he needs a kidney.

[GRUNTS]

Hey. The Ballas' alarm went off four times today.

[GROANS] When are they gonna do something about it?

Yeah. Hey, I got your text about Tom.

Is there anything I can do?

I'm okay.

Well, I'm sure the only man in the house

would be more than happy to shoot him

if that's a path you wanted to go down.

The editor has no respect for good reporting.

She just prefers Tom because of his stupid pun headlines.

Hey, guys. I'm gonna have a little ceremony for the snake,

if you care to join me.

Come on, it's his way of saying sorry.

[SIGHS] Well, we don't know what 'ceremony' means yet.

There might be candles and a pentagram out there.

God of love and mercy,

bless this little bugger.

He copped a bullet in the head...

... from a range of 10 metres, which I don't need to tell you,

it's not an easy shot with a moving target.

Accept him into your kingdom, and...

count him among your saints in heaven.

And while I'm here, look, God...

... I'm sorry for being so tough on Fin.

I only want the very best for my daughter

and I probably set the bar a little bit too high.

So, if you can't do anything about making Fin a better man

or even a more manly man...

... I ask you to teach me to graciously lower my standards,

through Christ our Lord, amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

That was lovely, Dad.

Yeah, apart from the defamatory stuff.

And thank you for burying the snake. That means a lot.

And, look, I want you both to know,

I have decided I'm going to put the gun into storage.

Oh, great.

On one condition that you both accompany me

down to the indoor rifle range in the morning.

I just want you to both experience the sport for yourselves

so you don't see me as some crazy old gun guy.

- Oh, we're not interested. - Okay, we'll do it.

- Sure. Fine. Yep. - Thought you might. Yeah.

Hey, Fin, have you ever fired a gun?

It depends whether you count Nerf guns or not.

I don't.

I hope you don't embarrass yourself and Angela goes off you.

She was an excellent shooter as a child.

[GUNSHOT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Lovely.

Mm.

- [GUNSHOT] - Oh!

[GUNSHOT]

Yes.

[GUNSHOT]

Alright, let's see if all that Nerf training's paid off.

Let's see if you've got the Nerf.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You'll be great, babe.

- [GUNSHOT] - Ow!

God! Oh, are you alright?

Yeah, I think it... I can taste blood.

Okay. Oh, gosh.

- Here, toss it to me. - Take the gun, take the gun.

- Let's get you a tissue. - Am I bleeding?

- I can taste blood. - Just a little bit.

- Just a little bit. It's okay. - Oh, this is ridiculous.

So, if Thomas doesn't get uncovered

as the dirty little liar that he is, who's gonna miss out?

Yeah, Angela, my Angela. Right.

So, somehow we've gotta let the editor know

that it was Tom who wrote the article.

And by we, I mean you.

That was fun.

You were superb.

Yeah. Can we go now?

Think I'm getting a testosterone headache.

It'll pass as soon as the oestrogen kicks back in.

Warren just asked me to compete in the pennant competition.

But, babe, I thought you were gonna take up bouldering.

I know it sounds dumb

but this whole Tom thing's really affected me

and this seems to be the best way to let off steam.

What? How does that let off more steam than... that?

Okay, it's not... it's not that.

It's... [MIMICS GUNSHOT] that.

Tell me, honestly, am I losing you?

Of course not.

I just think shooting's a part of who I am.

Just like a part of who you are is matching wines to TV shows.

Alright. Well, as long as we don't keep the gun in the house.

Hmm...

I do think it'd be more convenient if we kept it in the house.

Sorry, babe. I just don't have to go all the way to Coburg

to get it when I want to go to the range

and then have to bring it all the way back again afterwards.

Don't they hire out guns here?

- Not very good ones. - No, not very good ones.

But what about the multiple instances

of people with guns in the house being disarmed by intruders

and then shot with their own guns?

I think Dad's right.

We're very strong shooters so that's unlikely to happen.

No, it's not about... it's not about how well you can shoot,

it's about how well you can hold onto your gun

when some thug is trying to wrestle it off you.

I'd shoot them before the wrestle began.

And I represented Melbourne Metropolitan in boxing, so...

Alright, alright. Well, can I just go on record

as not being comfortable with this situation at all?

Absolutely.

How about we do it for now

and then if you still don't like it in a month's time we'll reassess?

Sounds great. Let's go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[PHONE RINGS]

- Diana Robson. - MAN: Ah, yes.

Hi, this is Paul Hasting.

Ah, you're quoted in the siege story.

Misquoted.

Yes, Thomas Dunn misquoted me and I would like an apology.

Well, firstly, you're lying.

Thomas Dunn didn't write that piece, Angela Black did.

Well, the reporter was male and he said his name was Thomas Dunn.

Bit hard to hear over the shooting and the screaming, no?

Oh, no, no. No, I could very clearly hear...

Why don't you put your complaint in writing and we'll follow it up?

Okay?

Hello?

Um, yep. No, that's... that is good news, really,

that you are agreeing to definitely follow that up

because, as I said, the reporter was To...

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, no, the snake went away on its own accord. Thank you.

[LAUGHTER FROM VIDEO ON COMPUTER]

I just had a call from a guy

saying you misquoted him in the siege story.

Really?

He seemed quite confident it was you who interviewed him

and not Angela.

Well, I mean, come on. He's obviously a lying nut case.

That's exactly what I said.

Right?

Some Bendigo mouth breather looking for his 15 minutes.

Aren't you from Bendigo?

Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.

- ANGELA: Hey, Tom. - Yeah?

Check this out.

I was just looking at the Two Dead In Bendigo Siege story...

Yep.

... and the author wrote the hostages were on 'tenderhooks'.

Well, it would've been a pretty stressful situation.

Oh, I agree.

Except the word's 'tenterhooks'.

And the fact that you didn't know that

means that you wrote the story and not me.

No, that would've been one of the... one of the subs.

At that time of the night we're the ones who press 'publish'.

Please just tell the editor the truth.

Look, I've got a lunch appointment.

Can't you just be a good sport and take the hit for me?

Come on. Pretty please?

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Sue.

RECORDING: Can't you just be a good sport and take the hit for me?

Aren't you a bad-ass!

Don't you dare say anything.

Anyway, it's not from me it's from The Real Ita Buttrose.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - DIANA: Oh, come in.

I would like to sincerely apologise.

It's been confirmed that it was in fact Thomas

that wrote the siege story, so you're off the hook.

I'm just relieved the truth came out.

Yeah, it was really weird.

Someone called The Real Ita Buttrose sent me a recording

of Thomas admitting to writing the article.

That's amazing.

And in a nod to how big a fan The Real Ida Buttrose is of yours,

she said if I didn't make you a full-time crime reporter

she'd send the tapes to Media Watch.

Huh!

You have no idea who The Real Ida Buttrose is, do you?

No idea.

Haven't seen a regal 76-year-old woman loitering in the newsroom,

telling Kerry Packer stories?

I mean, maybe.

Anyway, it worked.

You're now our new crime reporter, so congratulations.

Yay!

Obviously, I wish my appointment hadn't come via blackmail,

but I promise you won't regret it.

Oh, another one of The Real Ita Buttrose's demands

was that we keep Thomas on staff because she really likes his puns.

Are you... are you sure The Real Ita Buttrose said that?

It just doesn't sound like her.

I'm sorry, my hands are tied.

You'll have to take up any grievances

with The Real Ita Buttrose.

So, to Angela for being appointed crime reporter,

the most prestigious job at any newspaper.

- To Ang... - And for stopping...

... for stopping the PC warriors from taking away our guns.

To my Angela.

- To our Angela. To our Angela. - My little Angela.

Thanks, guys.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

that New Zealand/Sri Lanka ODI is not gonna watch itself.

Well, loath as I am to blow my own trumpet,

I may have had a little something to do with you being reinstated.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

- I'm intrigued. - Yeah, I rang the editor

pretending to be one of the people mentioned in the siege story

and complained that I'd been misquoted by a Thomas Dunn.

- And what did the editor say? - Nothing, she'd hung up.

But I think the message got through because you got reinstated.

Thanks so much, babe.

- Ah, you're welcome. - [SIRENS WAIL]

That thing is still going off.

Dr Balla reckons the repair guy's looked at it three times now.

So, when do you start the new round?

I'm meeting with the cops on Monday morning

and then I'm officially a police rounds person.

Ah, babe, I'm so proud of you.

Now that I've got my dream job,

I don't feel the urge to shoot at targets anymore.

Oh, praise the Lord.

Holy shit. Fin.

Okay, okay.

Police.

I need to report a break-in.

7 Bendigo Street, Balaclava.

Please, hurry, hurry, hurry, please.

- Yoink! Up against the wall! - Jesus!

Now, don't move, you won't get hurt.

Alright, we're not doing anything. Just keep your hair on.

What are you incinerating?

It's "What are you insinuating", you bald idiot.

Yeah, put the bloody bat down.

Good girl. Ground your bat. There's a girl.

There you go.

- [GUNSHOT] - [YELLS]

Oh! You!

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you would kindly move into the lounge.

[GROANS]

Alright. Go, go, go.

Wait. Oi!

[MOANS]

Watch the head.

- This is exactly what... - No.

- It's quite different. - How?

It's quite different than what you said.

He's holding a gun. Your gun. I can't believe it.

You never mentioned a bald man.

Let's go.

- [SIREN WAILS] - OFFICER: Drop the bag!

And you, sir, place the weapon on the ground slowly.

Okay. It's not even mine.

It's old mate's on the couch.

Whose firearm is this?

- Me. - Licence?

No, I've been... I've been shot in my foot.

Can I have your licence, please, sir?

No, I actually think I'm going into shock here.

Licence, please, sir.

Just tell me where it is. I'll go grab it.

It's... it's just in the... Ah, shit.

Dad?

Oh, Jesus.

[BULLET CLATTERS ON THE FLOOR]

It passed between his toes.

Dad, you're okay! It missed you.

Licence, please, sir.

- Not current. - [BOTH SIGH]

Sir, you've breached the Control of Weapons Act

and we will have to take this weapon away until further notice.

You can expect to be charged and summons.

Nanny state.

Thank you, Sergeant.

So, that's it, Dad. No guns in the house.

You don't have a licence.

The literal irony of the situation.

You know, I think my favourite bit

was when you gave the intruders a gun.

A loaded one too.

Shut it.

If I had a gun right now I'd shoot both of you.

Looks like I've got my first crime story.

I just don't know if my headline should be The Quick And The Dad,

or Night Of The Living Dad.

Oh, both so good! It's really hard to say.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com