Original subtitles

Battle!

- Every Tuesday at midnight at The Comedy Store,

it's Roast Battle Night.

all: Battle! Battle!

- The whole thing started by mistake almost.

Two comics had a beef, it was about to come to blows.

Moses said... - Settle it on stage.

- You wish you had my hair, 'cause guys when they ride you

have to grab on to your neck fat.

- Now every week it's packed. It's a full-on phenomenon.

- That joke lasted longer than his first marriage.

- So we're taking it on the road:

Austin, Chicago, and New York.

- Listen, I have a joke now.

- There's a first time for everything.

- Ohh!

- We're gonna find the best roasters in the country,

and only the best of the best

are going to the world championships in Montreal.

It's the "Road to Roast Battle,"

and if you can't take a joke get the [bleep] out.

all: Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle!

- Everybody, give it up for Jeff Ross!

[cheers and applause]

- This is Roast Battle.

Thank you Jesus for creating this temple of free speech.

[cheers and applause]

Give it up for Brian Mother[bleep] Moses!

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah!

Let's meet your firing squad for the evening.

First guy I'm gonna introduce, Bobby Lee, everybody.

- Thank you so much.

Yeah, I'm in an alpha male sandwich.

- Make it loud for Dane Cook, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- Joe Rogan stopped by tonight.

- Ohh!

- This is one of the rawest,

best shoes in all of the country,

and I'm honored to be here.

- And we have a very, very special guest here tonight.

Jimmy Kimmel's here, everybody.

- Hi, everyone. Hi, Jeff.

Thanks.

- Who came to see verbal violence tonight?

Y'all ready for the roast?

Let's make it loud for everybody's

favorite depressed person, Olivia Grace.

[cheers and applause]

Make it loud for Leah Kayajanian.

- We actually battled once before,

and it ended in a draw.

- Last time I made fun of her dead retarded brother too much.

So I think I'm gonna back off a little bit on that one.

- Folks, there's only three rules here at Roast Battle.

First rule, nothing's off limits,

except for physical contact.

Second rule of roast battle,

original material only.

Third rule, at the end of every battle,

we hug.

[cheers and applause]

Let's roast! [bell dings]

- You know, I wish my nose were smaller,

then I wouldn't know you smell like jizz and turkey legs.

[crowd oohs]

- Leah's face is so beat up

because birds keep flying into it,

thinking it's their reflection.

[crowd oohs]

[laughter]

- Olivia's vagina is so stretched out,

it doesn't queef, it coughs.

[laughter]

- Leah's brother killed himself,

which explains why her tits are always at half-mast.

[crowd oohs]

["Taps" plays]

♪ ♪

- Look at these two, Moses.

I didn't know Hot Topic had a softball team.

Olivia's 20 years old.

She's not even allowed in the club.

To see her kill like that...

- Olivia's last joke was personal,

and I really, really enjoyed it because it's brave

and [bleep] up.

- Thank you.

- The last bit by Olivia [bleep] crushed,

and I give this one to Olivia.

And I've seen her last time, and she's even better this time.

- Thanks, Dane. - Wow.

Please, make it very loud for Olivia Grace!

- Thank you. - She wouldn't say it.

I'll say it for her, she [bleep] crushed.

- Thank you, I appreciate it. That was terrifying.

It was like being on a roller coaster made of diarrhea.

- Wow, George, you're such a natural up here.

You know where all the cameras are.

I guess you learned that from years of shoplifting.

- Sarah is like a piñata.

You gotta be blindfold before you hit it.

- George is no stranger to stereotypes,

because he's stolen Sonys, Samsungs, JVCs.

[crowd ooh, cheers]

- Everybody, keep it going for Coach T in the back.

[cheers and applause]

First cat I'm bringing up

wrote in the last ten Comedy Central Roasts.

Make it loud for Jesse Joyce.

[rock music]

Folks, make it loud for Mr. Earl Skakel.

[cheers and applause]

[bagpipe music plays]

crowd chanting: Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!

Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!

Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!

- That's the kind of theatrics one does

when they don't write jokes.

- Ohh! - Right?

Is that kinda how this goes, right?

Is that sort of-- - Shots fired!

- Let me take a shit on that paper

so there's something funny on it.

[crowd oohs]

- Who wants to go first?

- Well, he's the big pro.

I think he should.

- I'll open for Rob Schneider's opener, sure.

Why not? Right? - Let's roast!

[cheers and applause]

- All right.

- Come on, he's got a hot one on the griddle.

- I do, I do.

Earl was born with a silver spoon in his mouth,

and he's gonna die with Rob Schneider's dick in it.

Earl, listen, if you're gonna suck somebody's [bleep]

to get ahead in show business,

maybe you shouldn't pick a guy

who's already sucking somebody's [bleep]

to get ahead in show business.

Earl is the back-end--

- Wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Earl is the back end of a Happy Madison Human Centipede.

- Rules, rules, sir. There are rules.

- It's the same joke.

- No, no, that's definitely not the same joke.

- Jesus Christ, that joke lasted longer than his first marriage.

[crowd oohs]

I'll take "Rebuttals" for 500, Alex.

[laughter]

- Last joke, last joke.

- When did he have a first joke?

- This is--okay.

Earl's parents died 20 years ago,

and if they came back to life today

and you showed them his résumé,

they wouldn't know any time had passed.

[sad trombone plays]

- I'll take "Bombing" for a thousand, Alex.

[laughter]

Jesse, what's with the earring, dude?

You're so far back in the closet,

I gotta give you to Goodwill tomorrow.

- Okay.

[laughter]

- Jess, your runner up front was good,

but it was just, like, two or three jokes in one joke.

- That was like playing [bleep] "Mortal Kombat"

and the other guy's controller's battery died.

- Earl, you got on stage with a performance.

Like, everybody loves you before you even start,

which is kind of cheating. Plus you have a beautiful body.

I like what you're doing with your pants.

- I thought Jesse's jokes were great.

He came out in ill-fitting clothing and--

- Thanks. - But Earl--

I'm gonna take Earl from Rob Schneider.

- Ohhh! - This guy's [bleep]--

- This guy's amazing, so... - I like this guy.

I do, I like him.

Beforehand, I was a little like, "I'm not sure about this dude,"

but he won me over, totally.

- You're with me now. - Whoa! Whoa!

- Comedy Central is not ready for this.

- Austin, Texas. - Yee-haw!

- Like we're at a Trump rally, get nuts!

- That's well-done. - I'm hoping to see some real,

you know, down south racism.

[rock music]

- Yee-haw!

- These roast battles, you know,

they're the coolest thing in comedy right now, I think.

- Turn that music up, Coach. Everybody, battle!

Like we're at a Trump rally, get nuts!

[cheers and applause]

First cat I'm bringing to the stage,

his grandmother's in the crowd right now.

So please make it very loud for Jay Light.

[cheers and applause]

Her grandmother's dead.

Make it loud for Ashley Barnhill.

Let's roast! [bell dings]

- Ashley used to be a personal trainer,

and she still has washboard tits.

[horn sounds]

- Jay looks like the KKK member

that washes everyone's hoods.

[laughter]

- Ashley's dad has Alzheimer's,

and it's too bad.

Now you have to disappoint him every single day.

[crowd oohs]

- Last joke, last joke.

- Yeah, Jay, my dad has Alzheimer's.

I've had to change his dirty diapers.

But your comedy is the worst shit I've ever seen.

[crowd oohs]

- Ashley looks like she knows

where all her ex-boyfriend'' pets are buried.

Where'd you get that outfit,

the Casey Anthony Collection?

- Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Save that heat.

Save that heat, save that heat, save that heat.

Save it, save it!

- Ashley looks like she just poisoned her husband.

[laughter]

- Ashley had some really funny comebacks.

I feel like the most, like, solid and sort of consistent

throughout the battle was Jay, so I'm gonna vote for Jay.

[cheers and applause]

- Ashley looks really pissed.

- I'm smiling.

- Yeah, that's the creepy part.

That's--you smiling scares the [bleep] shit out of me.

- All Robert Kelly's exes live in Texas.

They're before the Ls on his shirts.

- Yeah, see, you could have ended on a good one,

but you [bleep] didn't. That's why you lost.

You don't know when to shut the [bleep] up.

- Jay Light!

Hug each other. Don't hurt each other.

- I have resting bitch face.

Jay has resting "make me your bitch" face.

- Ah. - Jay's grandma's here.

How can you beat that? I mean, even though I think

she should have died a long time ago.

His ancestors should have ended with a peanut allergy.

- Battle! Battle! Battle!

- Yes! all: Battle! Battle!

- Please make it loud for Kath Barbadoro.

Make it loud for Chris Cubas.

- We're really good friends,

but I also know he can be super mean.

And now he's right behind you.

What's up? I'm talking about you.

- You wanna talk shit? - Let's talk some shit.

- We got beef? Let's do this.

- Look at this black man victimizing me.

- That was too much. I'm sorry.

- Let's roast! [bell dings]

- Chris Cubas is the guy Hogwarts sends

when Hagrid decides the neighborhood is too dangerous.

[laughter and cheers]

[gunshots]

- Kath Barbadoro is against fat shaming, obviously.

[laughter]

You being against fat shaming is like Jeff Ross

being against D-list celebrity shaming,

or looking like a World War II

propaganda drawing of a Jew shaming,

or any of those things.

- I can't believe you're doing fat jokes about me.

You look like a diabetic Babadook.

- Whoo, that's well done.

Kath Barbadoro grew up with a lot of money.

Kath Barbadoro is what happens when you're born

with a ton of white privilege but you use it all

to skip the line at Cici's Pizza.

[laughter and cheering]

[gunfire]

- Blob Marley had some great jokes.

And Kath, you look like every gay guy's first girlfriend.

[laughter]

- I provide that service, yes.

- I think you look great by the way, honey.

- Thank you.

- You're my type of chubby chick.

- That's all I ask for.

- Kath, I'm going for you. Sorry, so--

- Thank you. - You both killed it though.

- I think I'm gonna have to go with homeless Morgan Freeman.

- You're the winner of this one. Congratulations.

- Cubas!

[cheers and applause]

- Roast Battle, Chicago.

- [laughs]

- Come on, fat boy. You gotta do better than that.

- From what I'm hearing,

these guys came to Chicago

to get roasted, 'cause that's what we do.

We do that here.

- They brought the hottest show in L.A. to Chicago,

and I'm ready for these Chicago fools to just rip dicks off.

It's gonna be awesome. - Can we say "rip dicks"?

- Road to Roast Battle!

all: Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle!

- Chi-Town, how we feeling?

Make it loud for Sean White.

[cheers and applause]

Please make it loud for Xavier Lamont, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- This is gonna be fun.

This looks like Paul Walker

versus the tree he ran into.

- Ohh! - Damn!

Let's roast! [bell dings]

- Hey, man, when you were born,

was it vaginal, cesarean,

or you just eat your way out?

[laughter]

- Dude, you look like the spokesperson for date rape.

Like, there's definitely an "SVU" about your love life.

[cheering]

- Too bad we're not roasting him for real,

'cause there'd be enough of his fat ass

to feed this whole city block.

Just the foot he's gonna lose to diabetes

is enough to feed this whole mother[bleep] room.

[laughter]

- I love that your family died

and that you talk about it onstage.

That's incredible for the lead suspect in all their murders.

That's real, real, O.J. of you, my [bleep].

That's crazy. [bell dings]

- Sean, you got balls coming out here in Chicago,

roasting a deep dish person.

[laughter]

- Sean, man, I would drink with you

just so you'd talk about me,

then I'd slap the shit out of your head.

You will get slapped!

Give it up for Sean one more time, man. You got my vote.

- There was like a minute in the middle of his thing

where I'm like, "He is the devil."

When you look at him, he's the devil.

- Here's the good news. We think that you won tonight.

You guys both battled really hard,

and I love the jokes you brought.

- Sean, congrats. You don't have to sell meth

out of an Uber anymore.

- Make it loud, Sean White!

Aww, look at that.

[cheers and applause]

- Meredith wears so much foundation,

every time she has sex, it's makeup sex.

- Jeff's last name is Arcuri,

which means that Honda now has a name

for a new car that just runs on jizz.

- You look like siblings with sexual tension.

- Game of Moans.

- Sean knows what it's like to be sober

like I know what it's like to find

a good-fitting pair of gloves.

- [screaming]

- Kolin, I gotta hand it to you,

I didn't think you'd be able to grasp the concept

of Roast Battle, but even when things

were out of reach, you still held your own.

- Let's make it loud for Ms. Pat.

[cheers and applause]

Make it really loud for CJ Sullivan, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah! Yes!

- Let's roast! [bell dings]

- Mmm-mmm.

I'm just happy to be roasting somebody

with the same size titties as I got.

[crowd oohs]

[cheering]

- Speaking of titties, Ms. Pat's been shot twice.

Once right through the back of her entire breast.

Her milk's got more lead poisoning

than the water in Flint, Michigan.

And it's killed more black kids.

[gunshots]

- Come on, fat boy, you gotta do better than that.

CJ, your neck and my son's dick got something in common.

Both of them is uncircumcised.

[laughter]

- I know it's tough being a woman in comedy.

You have to go through a lot of stuff.

Luckily, you never had to worry about being raped by Bill Cosby,

'cause they can't deep-fry a roofie.

[crowd oohs]

[bell dings]

- Okay, okay, okay.

[laughter]

- Did you see the battle, Hannibal?

- I saw the whole thing.

Just a lot of different angles on fat jokes and race jokes.

It was a great battle.

- CJ, you were great, bro. You was hilarious.

- Thank you, Rel.

- But I'm going to with Pat,

because I just feel like she was just naturally hitting it.

[cheers and applause]

- Now, this was a great battle,

because it was two different styles.

Both of them fat. - That's what I'm saying.

- Excuse me, I'm not fat. I'm thick.

- You are thick, girl. - Hell yes.

- Yes. - I am fat, you're right.

- In this battle right here that was so close to call,

I'm gonna give it to CJ.

I'm gonna make my man Jeff Ross close this thing.

- Oh, we got a tie-breaker.

- There's an undeniable crowd love for Ms. Pat,

especially in this part of town.

But this is all he has.

[laughter]

- You're not lying. - Oh! Oh!

- A very, very rare tie. Congratulations.

- Ohhh! A tie!

Ms. Pat, CJ Sullivan, make it loud!

- He did a great job.

That roofie joke,

the deep-fried roofie joke, I was like,

"Oh, you fat [bleep]. Why didn't I think of that?"

- [laughs]

- New York City, where I learned how to bust balls.

- How dare you? - Oh!

- Oh, come on, this is on TV, guys.

- It's family entertainment at its [bleep] worst.

- We are in New York City.

- Two comics going at it,

at it's people that aren't, like,

household names, and they get a chance

to kinda go at it and show, like, their chops.

It's gonna be the best show ever.

- Battle! Battle!

Yes!

Make it loud for Christi Chiello, everybody.

So please make it loud for Sam Morril.

- Yeah. - Let's roast!

[bell dings]

- You look like Renée Zellweger swallowed a Teletubby.

You don't look like a comedian Christi.

You look more like a Governor Christi.

[crowd oohs]

- Sam, you look like if somebody took

two adorable fuzzy caterpillars

and drowned them in a bucket of [bleep].

- Christi's tough. She made it through skin cancer.

I couldn't make it through one of her YouTube videos.

She was so happy when she beat cancer

'cause it's the only time anyone ever told her

she's gonna make it.

[laughter]

- Brutal, Sam.

- Watching your monotone, lifeless half-hour special

was the most difficult thing I've ever had to endure,

and I beat cancer.

[bell dings]

- There was some genuine [bleep] mean shit between you.

- Yeah, man. - Yeah, that was crazy.

I was having trauma from my childhood watching that.

I'll give it to Sam, but I thought good battle.

- I'm gonna go with Sam, because I want him

to stick with comedy and not become a cop.

- I think the real winner here is camel toe, and, uh--

- Wait, [bleep]. Am I showing?

- Christi, you're awesome, but he [bleep]

bang-bang-bang-bang, and of course, you know--

- Thank you, man. - I'm loving it.

- Thank you guys. - One more time, Sam Morril!

- I think Christi's got a bright future with these roasts.

Like, very venomous, very unexpected, so--

- Do you really mean that? - Oh, yeah, sure.

Very good stuff. - I feel like I won.

- Well, you didn't. So don't get it twisted.

- Yamaneika had a rough couple years before now.

Two years ago she was axed from "Last Comic Standing."

And last year she was axed to leave an Old Country Buffet.

- His entire act is gonna be how fat, how black I am.

He's never gonna mention once that my clit

is bigger than his dick.

- Wow.

- Thank you, Kevin Heart Failure.

Ouzts actually just got off a tour.

of the Wonka Factory.

- Make it loud for Scott Chaplain, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Let's make it loud for Mike Lawrence.

- I didn't realize how much shit annoyed me

about this little bastard

until I had to write jokes about him.

- I just want to slit his [bleep] throat, you know?

That came off weird.

- Let's roast! - All right.

- Scott's dad was a cop who died in New Jersey.

He spent 59 years in the Garden State

and three weeks in a vegetative one.

[laughter]

- At least I know my dad's watching this from heaven.

Your dad won't even watch you on Seth Meyers.

[bleep], dude--

- Says the guy who's biggest--

- No, it's crazy. It was [bleep] weird.

Listen, I have a joke now, okay?

- There's a first time for everything.

- Wow. - Mother[bleep].

- Scott's sister is a stripper.

She's really ashamed of it,

so in order to stay anonymous

she uses the stage name Scott Chaplain.

- Wow, that's a great one. - Mother[bleep].

Oh, come on, this is on TV, guys!

[bomb falling, exploding]

- Mike--Mike was gay for a while.

Like, he [bleep] guys and stuff.

And just to clarify, he would, like, [bleep] dudes

and blow 'em, and now he's married to a woman.

She loves everything about him, especially his beard,

'cause it still smells like other dudes' dicks.

[bell dings]

- One of them look like he knows how to make his own beer.

[laughter]

And the other one looks like

he knows how to make his own lube.

And, um--but I think I'm gonna give it to Brooklyn Santa.

I think Brooklyn Santa knows what he's doing.

- This was so [bleep] funny. I mean, this was great.

Technically, Mike had the better jokes, I thought.

But you don't have a career, so I vote for you.

- Thank you, thank you. - Oh, Jesus!

- No, that's great. Thank you so much.

- [bleep], you guys-- Who hurt you?

[laughter]

I gotta go Mike Lawrence, man.

The shirt's terrible, but I gotta go Mike Lawrence.

Yeah, definitely.

- Mike Lawrence, you are the Jennifer Lawrence

of ugly people.

You're unstoppable. Congratulations.

- Thank you, man. - Wow.

- Please make it loud for Mike Lawrence!

Hug each other.

- Thank you, everybody.

Love you guys. - Yeah!

- Good night!

Fun tour, Moses. - That's it.

That's Road to Roast Battle. It's over.

- We found some great people.

- The best roasters in the world.

- So we'll take those people plus some others

up to Montreal for the world championships

of competitive roasting.

Great--great job, buddy. Great tour.

- I love you. - Love you, bud.

- Aw. - Montreal.

- Montreal.