All language subtitles for Good.Omens.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10-HI
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Punjabi
Romanian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,040
[ominous music]
2
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,960
[high-pitched static]
3
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,056
[woman narrating] Current theories on
the creation of the universe state
4
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,280
that if it were created
at all and didn't just start,
5
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:19,880
as it were, unofficially,
6
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,440
it came into being about
14 billion years ago.
7
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,040
The Earth is generally
supposed to be
8
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:27,560
about 4 1/2 billion
years old.
9
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,840
These dates are incorrect.
10
00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:34,000
Some medieval scholars put the
date of the creation at 3760 BC.
11
00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,600
[beeping]
12
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,360
Others put creation
as far back as 5508 BC.
13
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,520
Also, incorrect.
14
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,080
Archbishop James Ussher
15
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,960
claimed that the Heaven
and the Earth
16
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,720
were created on Sunday,
the 21st of October, 4004 BC,
17
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,920
- at 9:00 a.m.
- [bell dings]
18
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,600
This too was incorrect,
19
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,440
by almost a quarter
of an hour.
20
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,280
It was created at 9:13
in the morning.
21
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,440
Which was correct.
22
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,840
The whole business with the
fossilised dinosaur skeletons
23
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,160
was a joke the palaeontologists
haven't seen yet.
24
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,040
This proves two things.
25
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:13,120
Firstly, that God does not
play dice with the universe.
26
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,920
I play an ineffable game
of my own devising.
27
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,200
For everyone else,
it's like playing poker
28
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,360
in a pitch-dark room,
for infinite stakes,
29
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,520
with a dealer who won't
tell you the rules,
30
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,120
and who smiles all the time.
31
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,040
Secondly,
the Earth is a Libra.
32
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,120
The entry for Libra
in The Tadfield Advertiser
33
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,440
on the night our history
begins reads as follows:
34
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,760
"You may be feeling rundown
35
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,720
and always
in the same daily round.
36
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,680
A friend is important to you.
37
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,440
You may be vulnerable
to a stomach upset today,
38
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,840
so avoid salads.
39
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,240
Help could come from
an unexpected quarter."
40
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,560
This was perfectly correct
on every count,
41
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,640
except for the bit
about the salads.
42
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,600
To understand the true
significance
43
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:00,960
of what that means,
44
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,760
we need to begin earlier.
45
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,160
A little more than 6,000 years
earlier, to be precise.
46
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,320
Just after the beginning.
47
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,440
It starts, as it will end,
with a garden.
48
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,760
In this case,
the Garden of Eden.
49
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,880
And with an apple.
50
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,120
[rumbling]
51
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,320
[hissing] Go on.
52
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,400
[whispering]
This apple will give you...
53
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:38,560
[indistinct, ominous whispering]
54
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,440
[God] It was a nice day.
55
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,320
All the days had been nice.
56
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,800
There had been rather
more than seven of them so far,
57
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,680
and rain hadn't
been invented yet.
58
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:17,680
But the storm clouds
gathering east of Eden
59
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,280
suggested that the first
thunderstorm was on its way.
60
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,080
And it was going
to be a big one.
61
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,280
Well, that went down
like a lead balloon.
62
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,880
[chuckles]
63
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,040
Sorry, what was that?
64
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,280
I said, "Well, that went down
like a lead balloon."
65
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,400
Yes, yes, it did, rather.
66
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,120
Bit of an overreaction,
if you ask me.
67
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,680
First offence
and everything.
68
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,480
I can't see what's so bad
69
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,160
about knowing the difference
between good and evil anyway.
70
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,720
Well, it must be bad...
71
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,760
- Crawley.
- ...Crawley.
72
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,320
Otherwise...
73
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,680
you wouldn't have
tempted them into it.
74
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,040
Oh, they just said, "Get up
there and make some trouble."
75
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,760
Well, obviously.
You're a demon.
76
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,360
It's what you do.
77
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,320
Not very subtle
of the Almighty, though.
78
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,776
Fruit tree in the middle
of a garden
79
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,480
with a "Don't Touch" sign.
80
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,800
I mean, why not put it
on the top of a high mountain?
81
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,640
Or on the moon?
82
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,200
Makes you wonder
what God's really planning.
83
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:27,680
Best not to speculate.
84
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,920
It's all part
of the Great Plan.
85
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,360
It's not for us
to understand.
86
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,800
It's ineffable.
87
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,920
The Great Plan's ineffable?
88
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,240
Exactly.
89
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,240
It is beyond understanding
90
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,360
and incapable of being put
into words.
91
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,440
Didn't you have
a flaming sword?
92
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,680
- Uh...
- You did. It was flaming like anything.
93
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,080
What happened to it?
94
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,800
Uh...
95
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,040
Lost it already, have you?
96
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,880
- Gave it away.
- You what?
97
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,640
I gave it away.
98
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,560
There are vicious animals.
99
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,560
It's going to be cold out there.
And she's expecting already.
100
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,920
And I said, "Here you go.
Flaming sword. Don't thank me.
101
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,680
And don't let the sun
go down on you here."
102
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,560
I do hope I didn't do
the wrong thing.
103
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,200
Oh, you're an angel.
104
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,480
I don't think you can
do the wrong thing.
105
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,360
Oh, oh, thank...
106
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,000
Oh, thank you.
107
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,520
- It's been bothering me.
- [lion roars]
108
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,120
[Crowley]
I've been worrying, too.
109
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,680
What if I did
the right thing
110
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,520
with the whole
"eat the apple" business?
111
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,696
A demon can get
into a lot of trouble
112
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,320
for doing the right thing.
113
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,400
[roaring]
114
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,720
[meaty blow]
115
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,416
It'd be funny if we both
got it wrong, eh?
116
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,960
If I did the good thing
and you did the bad one.
117
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,520
[both chuckle]
118
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,000
No.
119
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,000
It wouldn't
be funny at all.
120
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,760
Well...
121
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,680
[rain pattering]
122
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,160
[God] Good Omens, being
a narrative of certain events
123
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,760
occurring in the last 11 years
of human history,
124
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,080
in strict accordance,
as shall be shown,
125
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,560
with The Nice
and Accurate Prophecies
126
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,200
of Agnes Nutter, Witch.
127
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,160
[theme music plays]
128
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,920
[God] It wasn't a dark
and stormy night.
129
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,880
But, don't let the weather
fool you.
130
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,720
Just because it's a mild night
131
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,160
doesn't mean that the forces
of evil aren't abroad.
132
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,280
They are.
133
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,440
They are everywhere.
134
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,520
[rumbling]
135
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,280
Two demons lurk
at the edge of the graveyard.
136
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,200
They are pacing themselves,
137
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,880
and can lurk for the rest
of the night, if necessary.
138
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,120
With still enough
sullen menace left
139
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,520
for a final burst
of lurking around dawn.
140
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,120
Bugger this for a lark.
141
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,360
He should have been
waiting for us.
142
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,600
Do you trust him?
143
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,760
- Nope.
- Good.
144
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,080
It'd be a funny old world
if demons went around
145
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,600
trusting each other.
146
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,520
What's he calling himself
up here these days?
147
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,880
Crowley.
148
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,456
["Bohemian Rhapsody" by
Queen plays on car radio]
149
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,720
♪♪ Oh, mama mia
Mama mia ♪♪
150
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,200
♪♪ Mama mia, let me go ♪♪
151
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,200
♪♪ Beelzebub... ♪♪
152
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,360
Here he comes now,
the flash bastard.
153
00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:53,640
♪♪ For me, for me ♪♪
154
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,520
If you ask me,
he's been up here too long.
155
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:59,200
Gone native.
Enjoying himself too much.
156
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,000
Wearing sunglasses,
even when he doesn't need them.
157
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,640
- All hail Satan.
- [Ligur] All hail Satan.
158
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,840
Uh, hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late,
159
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,760
but you know how it
is on the A40 at Denham.
160
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,600
I tried to cut up
towards Chorleywood...
161
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,760
Now that we art all here, let us
recount the deeds of the day.
162
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,320
Of course.
163
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,720
Deeds, yeah.
164
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,280
[Hastur]
I have tempted a priest.
165
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,720
As he walked down the street,
166
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,440
he saw all the pretty girls
in the sun.
167
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,280
I put doubt into his mind.
168
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,760
He would have been
a saint.
169
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,360
Now, within a decade,
we shall have him.
170
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,080
[chuckles]
171
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,520
Yeah, nice one.
172
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,720
[Ligur]
I have corrupted a politician.
173
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:37,040
Let him think that a tiny bribe
wouldn't hurt.
174
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,120
Within a year,
we shall have him.
175
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,960
Right, you'll like this.
176
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:46,520
I brought down every London area
mobile phone network tonight.
177
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,880
- Yeah?
- Yeah. It wasn't easy...
178
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,640
And what exactly has that done
to secure souls for our master?
179
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,000
Oh, come on,
think about it.
180
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,520
[laughs] Fifteen million
pissed-off people
181
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,880
who take it out
on each other.
182
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,600
It's not exactly...
craftsmanship.
183
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,440
Well, head office
don't seem to mind.
184
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,400
They love me down there, guys.
185
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,520
Times are changing. So...
186
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,200
[sniffs] ...what's up?
187
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,120
This is.
188
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,000
No.
189
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,960
Yes.
190
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,120
Already?
191
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,720
Yes.
192
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,280
And it's up to me to...?
193
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,440
[both] Yes.
194
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,600
You know, listen, it...
195
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:37,880
[stammers]
196
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,160
...really isn't my scene.
197
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,400
Your scene.
198
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,440
Your starring role.
199
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:45,720
Take it.
200
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,600
[Hastur]
Like you said,
201
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,400
times are changing.
202
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,640
They come to an end,
for a start.
203
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,000
Why me?
204
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,960
Well, they love you
down there.
205
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,600
And what an opportunity.
206
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,320
Ligur here would give
his right arm to be you tonight.
207
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,360
Or someone's right arm, anyway.
208
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,800
[Hastur] Sign here.
209
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,680
[sizzling]
210
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,400
Now what?
211
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,120
[Hastur] You will receive
your instructions.
212
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,920
And why so glum?
213
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,560
The moment we have been
working for all these centuries
214
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,800
is at hand.
215
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,240
Centuries?
216
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,200
Our moment of
eternal triumph awaits.
217
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,800
Triumph.
218
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,480
And you will be a tool
of that glorious destiny.
219
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,880
Glorious tool. Yeah.
220
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,080
OK.
221
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,800
I'll, um, be off then.
222
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,400
Get it over with.
223
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,056
No, I want to get it over with,
obviously, but,
224
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,800
I'll be popping along.
225
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,800
Great. Fine. Yeah.
226
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,240
Ciao!
227
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,640
[Ligur]
What's that mean?
228
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,560
"Ciao", it's Italian.
229
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,320
It means "food".
230
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,040
- [door closes]
- [engine starts]
231
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,720
[God] Crowley was all in favour
of Armageddon in general terms.
232
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,960
But it was one thing to work
to bring it about,
233
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,920
and quite another
for it to actually happen.
234
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,376
- Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! Shit!
- [DJ on radio] When Queen
235
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,616
released "Bohemian Rhapsody"...
236
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,000
Shit, shit, shit! Why me?
237
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,920
...in 1975, it was because...
238
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,640
[Satan's voice on radio] You
earned it, Crowley, didn't you?
239
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:25,160
What you did to the M25 was a
stroke of demonic genius, darling.
240
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,240
The M25? Yeah, well...
241
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,200
Yeah, I'm glad it went down
so well.
242
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,680
Here are your instructions.
243
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,960
This is the big one, Crowley.
244
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,960
♪♪ I see a little
silhouetto of a man ♪♪
245
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,160
♪♪ Scaramouche
Scaramouche ♪♪
246
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,416
- ♪♪ Will you do the Fandango? ♪♪
- [truck horn honking]
247
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,040
♪♪ Thunderbolts and lightning
very, very frightening me ♪♪
248
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,120
[tires screech]
249
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,640
- ♪♪ Galileo ♪♪
- ♪♪ Galileo ♪♪
250
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:49,640
- [cries]
- ♪♪ Figaro magnifico ♪♪
251
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:53,080
[sushi chef speaking Japanese]
252
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,840
[in Japanese]
253
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,840
Mmm.
254
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,400
[feedback squeals]
255
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,280
- Mind if I join you?
- Gabriel?
256
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,640
What an unexpected
pleasure.
257
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:15,880
It's been...
258
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,040
Quite a while, yes.
259
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,040
Why do you
consume that?
260
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:23,720
You're an angel.
261
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,280
It's sushi.
262
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:26,560
It's nice.
263
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,800
You dip it in soy sauce.
264
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,440
It's what humans do.
265
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,840
And if I am going to be
living here among them,
266
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,000
ahem, well, keeping up
appearances.
267
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,120
- Tea?
- I do not sully the temple
268
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,120
of my celestial body
with gross matter.
269
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,920
Obviously not.
270
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,400
- Nice suit.
- Yes, I like the clothes.
271
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,240
Pity they won't be around
much longer.
272
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,680
They won't?
273
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,880
We have reliable information
274
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,560
that things... are afoot.
275
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,040
- They are?
- Yes.
276
00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:00,120
My informant suggests
that the demon... Crowley
277
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,200
may be involved.
278
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,080
You need to keep him
under observation
279
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,640
without, of course, letting him
know that's what you're doing.
280
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,080
I do know, yes.
I've been on Earth doing this
281
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,120
- since the beginning.
- So has Crowley.
282
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,120
It's a miracle
he hasn't spotted you yet.
283
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,400
Yes, I know.
284
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,840
[laughs]
285
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,560
Miracles are what we do.
286
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,320
[God]
Meet Deirdre and Arthur Young.
287
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,560
They live in the Oxfordshire
village of Tadfield.
288
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,000
Are we there yet,
Arthur?
289
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,200
I'm four minutes apart.
290
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,960
It's definitely
this way.
291
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,040
It's just the roads
look all different in the dark.
292
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,560
The nuns
said to come in
293
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,520
when they were four to five
minutes apart.
294
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,080
- It's just an...
- [gasps]
295
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,480
Oh, do we have
any egg and cress sandwiches?
296
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:46,640
Oh.
297
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,560
[wails]
Oh!
298
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,280
[police siren wails]
299
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,200
[God]
Meet Harriet Dowling
300
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,080
and her husband, American
diplomat Thaddeus Dowling.
301
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,520
[Thaddeus]
Breathe, honey. Just breathe.
302
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,400
I am breathing,
goddamn it, Tad!
303
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,360
- Why aren't you here?
- Honey, I'm with you.
304
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,360
I'm with you. I'm just also
here with the President.
305
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,520
[President Bush] Hey, Harriet, sorry
we had to borrow your husband.
306
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,960
[shrieks]
307
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,720
Birth is the single
most joyous
308
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,680
co-experience that two human
beings can share,
309
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,480
and I'm not going to miss
a second of it.
310
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,576
[Bush] Tad, if we could get
back to the matter at hand.
311
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,280
I'll get back to you, honey.
312
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,760
You're meant to be with me,
you useless son of a bi...
313
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,000
At some point
this evening,
314
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,440
Mrs Dowling will arrive.
315
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,160
She will undoubtedly have
Secret Service agents with her.
316
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,880
You are all to ensure that
they see nothing untoward.
317
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,960
Sister Theresa and I will
deliver the Dowlings' child
318
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,920
in room four.
319
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,480
Once he has been born,
320
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:52,040
we will remove the baby boy
from the mother...
321
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:56,880
and give her back
our master's child.
322
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,520
Everything is ready.
323
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,520
Tonight, it begins.
324
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,800
Sister Mary Loquacious?
325
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,640
Yes, excuse me,
Mother Superior,
326
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,560
I was wondering where the other
baby was going to come from?
327
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,680
Not the American baby.
I mean, that's obvious.
328
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,080
It's just the birds
and the bees.
329
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,040
But, you know, the, um...
330
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,200
Master Crowley
is on his way
331
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,440
with our dark lord-to-be,
Sister Mary.
332
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,680
We do not need
to know more than that.
333
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,640
We are Satanic nuns
334
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,000
of the Chattering Order
of St Beryl.
335
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:37,720
And tonight is what our order
was created for.
336
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,360
- [indistinct murmuring]
- Sister Grace,
337
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,320
you are on duty reception.
338
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,320
Sisters Maria Verbose
and Katherine Prolix,
339
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,400
you will assist
Sister Theresa.
340
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,600
The rest of you
know your duties.
341
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,840
- [siren wails distantly]
- Oh, it's an ambulance!
342
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,440
Places.
343
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,560
Excuse me,
Mother Superior.
344
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,280
I didn't get a job.
Probably an oversight.
345
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,160
Yes, of course.
346
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,960
You could make sure
there are biscuits.
347
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,600
The kind with pink icing.
348
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:11,000
I think we had a tin
in the convent larder.
349
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,400
- [Harriet moaning, gasping]
- [man] Clear.
350
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,040
[moaning and screaming]
351
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,640
- Breathe, dear, breathe.
- I am breathing. Oh, God!
352
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,280
Excuse me.
Deirdre Young.
353
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,960
Contractions are now four...
four minutes apart!
354
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,440
Oh!
355
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,160
Welcome to St Beryl's,
Mrs Young.
356
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,776
We weren't expecting you
till next week.
357
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,480
Now, Arthur will be with me
while I'm in labour.
358
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,560
I'm afraid not.
359
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,480
We believe that
fathers just, uh,
360
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,480
complicate the process
for everybody.
361
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,320
We'll let him know
when to come up.
362
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,080
Well, I'm not going
to argue with nuns.
363
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,760
Nurses know what they're doing,
Deirdre.
364
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,520
I'll see you when it's...
365
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,960
She'll be in room three.
366
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,160
- Right.
- [shrieking]
367
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,280
Good... Good luck.
368
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,560
[God] It may help
to understand human affairs
369
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,800
to know that most of the great
triumphs and tragedies of history
370
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,040
are caused not by people being
fundamentally good
371
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,680
or fundamentally bad,
372
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,280
but by people being
fundamentally people.
373
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,800
You've left your lights on.
374
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,520
- [snaps fingers]
- Oh.
375
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,880
Well, that's clever.
376
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,800
- It is infrared?
- Has it started yet?
377
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:41,040
- Um... they made me go out.
- Any idea how long we've got?
378
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,400
I think we were
getting on with it, doctor.
379
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,960
Got it. What room is she in?
380
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,640
- We're in room three.
- Room three, got it.
381
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,160
[God] There's a trick they do
with three playing cards
382
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,800
which is very hard to follow.
383
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,720
And something like it,
for greater stakes
384
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,320
than a handful of loose change,
is about to take place.
385
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,200
Deirdre Young is
in delivery room three.
386
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,560
She has just given birth
to a golden-haired male baby
387
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,400
we will call "Baby A".
388
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:16,280
Harriet Dowling is giving birth
in delivery room four.
389
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,240
She is having
a golden-haired male baby
390
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,400
we will call "Baby B".
391
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,560
Psst.
392
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,800
Sister Mary Loquacious
is about to be handed
393
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,560
a golden-haired male baby
we will call "The Adversary,
394
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,400
Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit,
395
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:41,000
Prince of This World
and Lord of Darkness."
396
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,320
[Mary laughs]
397
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,880
- Is that him?
- Yup.
398
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,800
Only I'd expected
funny eyes,
399
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,040
or teensy-weensy
little hoofikins.
400
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,280
Or a wittle tail.
401
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,640
It's definitely him.
402
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,520
Fancy me holding
the Antichrist.
403
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,760
Counting his little
toesie-woesies.
404
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:04,920
Do you look like your daddy?
405
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,200
- [coos]
- I bet he does.
406
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,920
Do you look like
your daddy-waddykins?
407
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,800
He doesn't.
Take him up to room three.
408
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,880
Room three. Do you think he'll
remember me when he grows up?
409
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,880
Pray that he doesn't.
410
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,560
[sneezes]
411
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,920
[God] Three babies.
412
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,720
Watch carefully.
413
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,080
Round and round they go.
414
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,760
Sister Mary,
what are you doing here?
415
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,656
Shouldn't you be taking
biscuits to the refectory?
416
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,480
Master Crowley said
to take the baby to room three.
417
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,800
[coos]
418
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,560
[gasps]
419
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,240
Well, get on with it, then.
420
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,080
[crying]
421
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,520
- [knock on door]
- [door opens]
422
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,240
Has it happened yet?
423
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,040
I'm the father.
The husband. Both.
424
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,320
Oh, yes. Congratulations.
425
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,280
Your lady wife's asleep,
poor pet.
426
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,800
[Adversary wailing]
427
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,080
[Arthur]
Twins? What?
428
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,240
Nobody said anything
about twins.
429
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,160
Oh, no, no.
This one's yours.
430
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,000
That one's... someone else's.
431
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,800
Just looking after him.
432
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:35,400
No, no, this one is definitely
yours, your ambassadorship,
433
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,840
from the top of his head to
the tips of his hoofy-woofies...
434
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,200
- which he hasn't got.
- Oh.
435
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,080
All, uh, ahem,
present and correct, is he?
436
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:47,240
Oh, yes. He's normal.
Very, very normal.
437
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,800
[Tad] A boy!
438
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,640
- [baby crying]
- Mr President.
439
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,840
I have the honour, sir,
to report myself the father
440
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,680
of a regular
Y-chromosomed son.
441
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,000
Now, we just have to take him
away for a minute to weigh him
442
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,640
and the usual.
443
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:04,800
[giggles]
444
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,400
This father-of-a-male-boy-son
445
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,280
is all yours,
Mr President.
446
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,760
[whispers]
Harriet. Yes!
447
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,440
Where's the baby?
448
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,120
Satan, give me strength.
449
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,960
Do you know where
our master's child is?
450
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,920
Sister Mary Loquacious has him
in room three.
451
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,640
Now, we call these biscuits.
452
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,240
But you'll be looking at them
and going, "Oh, cookies."
453
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,120
I call them biscuits.
454
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,840
[God] As methods
of human communication go,
455
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,800
the human wink
is quite versatile.
456
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,120
For example,
Sister Theresa's meant...
457
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,720
Where the hell
have you been?
458
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,480
We're ready
to make the switch,
459
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,176
and here's you in the wrong room
with the Adversary,
460
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,480
Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit,
461
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,720
Prince of This World,
Lord of Darkness, drinking tea.
462
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,320
[God] And as far
as she was concerned,
463
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,160
Sister Mary's answering wink
meant...
464
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,800
This child is the Adversary,
465
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,800
Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit,
466
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,040
Prince of This World
and Lord of Darkness.
467
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,520
But I can't talk now, because
there's this outsider here.
468
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,520
[God] Sister Mary,
on the other hand,
469
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,040
had thought that
Sister Theresa's wink
470
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,520
was more on the lines of...
471
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,200
Well done, that,
Sister Mary.
472
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,080
Switched over the babies
all by herself.
473
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,560
Now, indicate to me
the superfluous child,
474
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,880
and I shall remove it
and let you get on with your tea
475
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,520
with His Royal Excellency,
the American ambassador.
476
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,800
Extra baby removal.
477
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,320
[Mary]
But I'm wittering on.
478
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,200
Where were you before
you took up this appointment?
479
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,520
Swindon.
480
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,200
Ohh!
481
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:55,600
Here's your little man back,
all cleaned up and weighed.
482
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,640
Look, honey. Our son.
483
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,000
[Tad]
He's beautiful, hon.
484
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:02,880
What a little tyke, huh?
485
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,040
[laughs]
Oh...
486
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,880
Seeing him makes me
understand
487
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,920
what's important in life.
488
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,560
It's not work.
489
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,560
I'm going to teach him
to play baseball.
490
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,400
And on Sundays,
we'll go fishing.
491
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,600
[President] Tad!
492
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,720
Sorry, honey,
we'll call you back.
493
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,680
You must name the child.
494
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,000
Well, we were going
to name him Thaddeus,
495
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:29,000
after his dad
and his dad's dad.
496
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,640
Damien's an excellent name.
497
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,040
[Harriet] Damien Dowling?
498
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,880
Too alliterative.
499
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:36,840
Warlock, then.
500
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,680
It's an old English name.
501
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,480
A good name.
502
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,280
[baby cries]
503
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,000
Hello, Warlock.
504
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:48,840
[Harriet gasps]
505
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:53,000
Damien?
506
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,720
No. I'd always fancied
something more,
507
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,680
well, traditional.
508
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,680
We've always gone in for good,
simple names
509
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,600
in our family.
510
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:03,880
Cain.
511
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,840
Very modern sound,
Cain, really.
512
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,320
Well, there's always...
513
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,800
I mean, there's always Adam.
514
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:15,840
Adam?
515
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,760
Hmm.
516
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:20,800
Adam.
517
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,480
[baby fussing]
518
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:23,960
Oh!
519
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,680
Ooh.
520
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,640
Come on, little one.
521
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,160
[Arthur] Do you know,
Deirdre, um...
522
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,560
I think he looks
like an Adam.
523
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,120
Oh.
524
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,080
Hello, Adam.
525
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,816
[God] It would be nice
to think that the nuns
526
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,400
had the surplus baby
discreetly adopted.
527
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,760
That he grew to be
a happy, normal child,
528
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,400
and then grew further
to become a normal,
529
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,360
fairly contented adult.
530
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,560
And, perhaps, that is
what happened.
531
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:57,080
He probably wins prizes
for his tropical fish.
532
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,040
[slow rock playing on radio]
533
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,480
Call Aziraphale.
534
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,280
[female voice]
Calling Aziraphale.
535
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,840
[disconnected beep]
536
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,376
[recording] Sorry,
all lines to London
537
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,680
- are currently busy.
- [groans]
538
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,760
[indistinct chattering]
539
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,080
[classical music plays]
540
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,480
[hums along]
541
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,440
[phone rings]
542
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,000
I'm afraid we're quite
definitely closed.
543
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,080
[Crowley] Aziraphale, it's me.
544
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,080
- We need to talk.
- [Aziraphale] Yes.
545
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,480
Yes, I rather think we do.
546
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,120
I assume this is about...
547
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,840
Armageddon. Yes.
548
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:43,760
[God] Everyone knows
the best place
549
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,920
for a clandestine meeting
in London
550
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,440
is, and always has been,
St James's Park.
551
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,400
They say the ducks are so used
to being fed by secret agents
552
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,160
that they've developed
Pavlovian reactions to them.
553
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,520
The Russian cultural attaché's
black bread
554
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,840
is particularly sought after
by the more discerning duck.
555
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,496
Crowley and Aziraphale
have been meeting here
556
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,520
for quite some time.
557
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,680
You're sure it was
the Antichrist?
558
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,080
I should know.
I delivered the baby.
559
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,400
Well, not "delivered" delivered,
you know?
560
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,040
Handed it over.
561
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,240
An American diplomat.
562
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,720
Really?
563
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,040
As if Armageddon
were a cinematographic show
564
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,840
you wished to sell in
as many countries as possible.
565
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,320
The Earth and all
the kingdoms thereof.
566
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,440
- We will win, of course.
- [bell tolls]
567
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:31,680
You really believe that?
568
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,160
Obviously.
569
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,960
Heaven will finally
triumph over Hell.
570
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,680
It's all going to be
rather lovely.
571
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,520
Out of interest,
572
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,440
how many first-class composers
do your lot have in Heaven?
573
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,880
Because Mozart's
one of ours.
574
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:46,880
Beethoven.
575
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,200
Schubert.
576
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,640
Uh, all of the Bachs.
577
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,760
They have already written
their music.
578
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,120
And you'll never
hear it again.
579
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,760
No more Albert Hall.
No more Glyndebourne.
580
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,040
Just celestial harmonies.
581
00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,560
- Well...
- And that's just the start
582
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,280
of what you'll lose
if you win.
583
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:07,440
No more fascinating little
restaurants where they know you.
584
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,080
No gravlax
in dill sauce.
585
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,680
No more old bookshops.
586
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,760
We've only got 11 years,
and then it's all over.
587
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,560
We have to work together.
588
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,560
No.
589
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,440
It's the end of the world
we're talking about.
590
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,376
It's not some little temptation
I've asked you to cover for me
591
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,640
while you're up in Edinburgh
for the festival.
592
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,000
- You can't say no.
- No.
593
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,840
We can do something.
I have an idea.
594
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,480
No! I am not interested.
595
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,520
Well, let's have lunch, hmm?
596
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,880
I still owe you one from...
597
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,720
Paris.
598
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,000
1793.
599
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,440
Yes. The Reign of Terror.
600
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,600
Was that one of ours
or one of yours?
601
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:54,280
Can't recall.
602
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,840
We had crepes.
603
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,240
[champagne cork pops]
604
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,920
Mm.
605
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,440
That was scrumptious.
606
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,680
So, what are you
in the mood for now?
607
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,000
Alcohol.
608
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:15,480
[glass dings]
609
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,160
Quite extraordinary
amounts of alcohol.
610
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:21,000
[Aziraphale]
I have several very nice bottles
611
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,280
of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
in the back.
612
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,480
I picked up a dozen cases
in 1921,
613
00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,440
and there's still some left
for special occasions.
614
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,600
Not very big on wine in Heaven,
are they, though?
615
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,280
Not going to get any more nice
little Châteauneuf-du-Papes
616
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,520
in Heaven,
or single malt scotch,
617
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,680
or little... little froufrou
cocktails with umbrellas.
618
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,640
Crowley, I've told you,
I'm not helping you.
619
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,320
I'm not interested.
This is purely social.
620
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,400
I am an angel.
You are a demon.
621
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,920
We're hereditary enemies.
622
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,600
Get thee behind me,
foul fiend.
623
00:29:57,680 --> 00:29:59,600
After you.
624
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,640
[God] That night,
Arthur and Deirdre Young
625
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,280
proudly took the baby
they believed was theirs
626
00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,440
home to the quiet English
village of Tadfield.
627
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:11,840
The Antichrist had been
on Earth for 24 hours.
628
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,040
While in London's Soho,
an angel and a demon
629
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,480
had been drinking solidly
for the last six of them.
630
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:24,080
[classical violin music plays
out of tune]
631
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:27,520
[Aziraphale] So, what...
what exactly is your point?
632
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,800
My point is...
633
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,120
[burps]
634
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,520
My point is, dolphins.
635
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:34,640
That's my point.
636
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,960
Big brains, the size of...
637
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,560
damn big brains.
638
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,440
Not to mention the whales.
Brain city, whales.
639
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:44,560
Kraken.
640
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:49,000
Ooh, great, big bugger.
641
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,440
Supposed to rise up
to the surface.
642
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,360
Right... right up
at the end,
643
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,000
when the sea boils.
644
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,000
Well, that's my point.
645
00:30:58,080 --> 00:30:59,320
Whole sea bubbling.
646
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:00,720
The dolphins, the whales.
647
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,080
Everything turning
into bouillab...
648
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,360
Bouill-bouillab...
649
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,320
Bouillab...
650
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,160
Fish stew.
Anyway, it's not their fault.
651
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,720
And that's the same
with gorillas.
652
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,880
They say, like, "Whoop".
They say a lot of...
653
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,520
Sky's gone red.
There's...
654
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,120
stars crashing down.
655
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,480
And what are they putting
in bananas these days?
656
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,760
They're All creatures,
great and small.
657
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,320
And you know
what's worse?
658
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,680
When it's all over,
659
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:34,200
you've got to deal
with eternity!
660
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,720
Eternity?
661
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,400
[Crowley] Yeah,
it won't be so bad at first.
662
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,840
Although no Stephen Sondheim
663
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,240
first nights in eternity,
I'm afraid.
664
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:45,400
Although, I have heard rumours
that your boss
665
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:49,040
really loves
The Sound of Music.
666
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,840
You fancy spending eternity
watching that?
667
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,800
You could literally
climb every mountain
668
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,560
over and over and over and over
and over and over and over.
669
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,400
I don't like it
any more than you do,
670
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,720
but I told you, I can't diso...
not do what I'm told.
671
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,640
I'm an angel. I...
672
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,040
Oh, God, I...
673
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,640
I can't cope with this
while I'm drunk.
674
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,160
I'm going to sober up.
675
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:11,560
Yeah, me too.
676
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,360
[inhales sharply]
677
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:14,640
[strains]
678
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,360
[music tunes down]
679
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:30,200
[God] Harriet Dowling took
baby Warlock to his new home,
680
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,480
an official London residence.
681
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,880
[sirens blaring]
682
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,480
[Mother Superior] Our mission
is done, Lord Hastur.
683
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,840
The baby is in place,
684
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,520
and his parents
are none the wiser.
685
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,536
Well, no need for the convent
any longer, then, is there?
686
00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:51,280
- I'm afraid I...
- [Hastur] Dissolve.
687
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,520
- What?
- Your order is dissolved.
688
00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,600
- We're what?
- Now hang on a moment.
689
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,320
We did everything
that was asked of us.
690
00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,560
What about our reward?
691
00:32:58,640 --> 00:32:59,760
So irritating.
692
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:01,280
You never shut up, do you?
693
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:02,640
We are a chattering order.
694
00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,000
We say what is on
our minds.
695
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:05,320
And right now,
what's on my mind
696
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,920
is that you can't
treat us like...
697
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:09,616
[Hastur]
Would you like to tell them
698
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,200
that the order
is dissolved?
699
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,840
Or would you rather that
they all perish in the fire?
700
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,040
- What fire?
- [thunder crashes]
701
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,360
[gasps]
702
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:22,640
[laughs]
703
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,720
[all screaming]
704
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:36,920
Even if I wanted to help,
I couldn't.
705
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,160
I can't interfere
with the Divine Plan.
706
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,080
[Crowley] Well, what about
diabolical plans?
707
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,680
You can't be certain
that thwarting me
708
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,360
isn't part
of the Divine Plan, too.
709
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,200
I mean, you're supposed
to thwart the wiles
710
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:52,360
of the Evil One
at every turn, aren't you?
711
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:53,880
Well...
712
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,080
See a wile, ya' thwart.
Am I right?
713
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,960
I... Broadly.
714
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,200
Actually, I encourage humans
to do the actual...
715
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,560
But the Antichrist
has been born.
716
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,840
But it's the upbringing that's
important, the influences.
717
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,960
The evil influences,
718
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,120
that's all
going to be me.
719
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,920
It'd be too bad if someone
made sure that I failed.
720
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,000
If you put it that way...
721
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,840
Heaven couldn't actually object
if I was thwarting you.
722
00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,880
No. Be a real feather
in your wing.
723
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,280
We'd be godfathers,
sort of,
724
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,520
overseeing
his upbringing.
725
00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,880
We do it right,
he won't be evil.
726
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,880
Or good.
He'll just be normal.
727
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,760
It might work.
728
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,640
Godfathers.
729
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,680
Well, I'll be damned.
[chuckles]
730
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,680
It's not that bad
when you get used to it.
731
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,160
[bell tinkling]
732
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,360
[in Scottish accent]
I understand you need a nanny.
733
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,880
[in West Country accent] They do say as
you might be looking for a gardener.
734
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:33,320
[Aziraphale]
Oh! Young master Warlock!
735
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,160
You're growing fast.
736
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,920
You must be all of, um...
737
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,440
Five. I'm five.
738
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,200
What's that?
739
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,160
Oh, that's Brother Pigeon.
740
00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,200
[cooing]
741
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,400
And Brother Snail.
742
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,600
Oh, and Sister Slug.
743
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:58,000
Now, you remember,
young Warlock,
744
00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:00,120
as you grow,
745
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,840
to have love and reverence
746
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,320
for all living things.
747
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,200
Nanny says living things
748
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:12,160
are only fit to be ground
under my heels, Brother Francis.
749
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:13,440
[chuckles]
750
00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,480
Well, don't you listen to her.
751
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,680
You listen to me.
752
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,560
[lullaby music plays]
753
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,080
Will you sing me
a lullaby, nanny?
754
00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,920
Of course, dear.
755
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:35,360
♪♪ Go to sleep ♪♪
756
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:40,000
♪♪ And dream of pain ♪♪
757
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,200
♪♪ Doom and darkness ♪♪
758
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,480
♪♪ Blood and brains ♪♪
759
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,440
♪♪ Sleep so sweet ♪♪
760
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:54,920
♪♪ My darling boy ♪♪
761
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,640
♪♪ You will rule ♪♪
762
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,640
♪♪ When Earth's destroyed ♪♪
763
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,880
The gardener says that I must be
kind and nice to everybody.
764
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,640
Even Sister Slug.
765
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,360
And not ever
destroy the Earth.
766
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,360
Don't listen to him.
767
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,760
Listen to me.
768
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,200
[God] There are many doors that
will take you to Heaven or to Hell.
769
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:23,520
But when Crowley and Aziraphale
report in an official capacity
770
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,560
to their respective
head offices,
771
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,760
they take the main entrance.
772
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,080
Tell us about the boy, Warlock.
773
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,360
He's a remarkable child,
Lord Beelzebub.
774
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,920
- But is he evil?
- Fantastically evil.
775
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,280
Killed anyone yet?
776
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,880
Uh... not yet,
777
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:49,536
but there's more to evil
than just killing people, eh?
778
00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:50,560
[murmurs of agreement]
779
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,080
[Ligur]
I suppose.
780
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,600
But it's fun.
781
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,160
Have you encountered
any problems from the...
782
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,160
- [flies buzzing]
- ...opposition?
783
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,640
They don't suspect a thing.
784
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,600
I am proud to say
785
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,800
that on a very real level,
786
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,280
the Antichrist child
787
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:12,560
is now being influenced
towards the light.
788
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,160
Very commendable,
Aziraphale.
789
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,760
- Excellent work, as usual.
- Yes.
790
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,400
But, Aziraphale,
we will be most understanding
791
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:21,520
when you fail.
792
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,920
After all, wars are to be won.
793
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,160
Not avoided.
794
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,920
But I won't fail.
795
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,640
I mean, that would be bad.
796
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,280
Aziraphale, what you're doing
is praiseworthy,
797
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,960
but obviously doomed
to failure.
798
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:37,840
[chuckles]
799
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:41,800
Still, as the Almighty
likes to say,
800
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,400
"Climb every mountain."
801
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,760
"Ford every stream."
802
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:03,560
The boy's too normal.
803
00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:05,560
Excellent.
It's working.
804
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,480
The heavenly influences
are balancing out the hellish.
805
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:09,680
A no-score draw.
806
00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,400
I hope you're right.
807
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,120
Only six years left to go.
808
00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,840
- Crowley.
- Yeah?
809
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,480
I mean, if he comes
into his full power,
810
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,840
how do we stop him then?
811
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,880
I'm sure it won't
come to that.
812
00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,640
- [Ligur] He's big.
- [Hastur] He's the biggest we've got.
813
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,640
Only the best for our young
master-to-be.
814
00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,360
[Ligur]
Do you think he's hungry?
815
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,040
[Hastur]
Only one way to find out.
816
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:03,320
[growls]
817
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,560
You. Get in there.
818
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,680
- Me?
- Yes, yes, you.
819
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:12,880
Watch out for his teeth.
820
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:14,520
Ooh.
821
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,640
[screams]
822
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,280
It's not like you didn't tell
him to look out for the teeth.
823
00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:21,560
[banging on door]
824
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,520
[Hastur]
I think he was hungry.
825
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,560
[Harriet] Warlock, are you
listening to me, honey?
826
00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:28,640
Look what they used to think
dinosaurs looked like.
827
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,120
- Whatever.
- They're old and educational.
828
00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,640
- It's dumb.
- It's not dumb, sweetie.
829
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,400
- It's a dinosaur.
- Dumbasaur, more like.
830
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,960
Can we talk about
my birthday party?
831
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,400
Why can't we have my party
in an escape room?
832
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:42,960
[Harriet]
Honey, for the last time,
833
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,120
we've already hired a...
834
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:45,800
[Warlock] But, Mom...
835
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:47,880
[Crowley] Well, we've
done everything we can.
836
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:52,000
All we can do now
is wait for his birthday.
837
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:53,680
The Hell Hound
will be the key.
838
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,120
Shows up at 3:00
on Wednesday.
839
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:58,120
Right.
840
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,760
You've never actually
mentioned a Hell Hound before.
841
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:02,560
Oh, yeah.
842
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,160
Yeah, they're sending him
a Hell Hound
843
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,640
to pad by his side
and guard him from all harm.
844
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,840
- Oh.
- Biggest one they've got.
845
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:11,640
Won't people remark
on the sudden appearance
846
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:13,160
of a huge black dog?
847
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:14,960
His parents,
for a start?
848
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:19,280
No one will notice anything.
It's reality, angel.
849
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,560
And young Warlock can do
what he likes with that,
850
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,880
whether he knows it or not.
851
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,400
It's the start of it all.
The boy's meant to name it.
852
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,880
Um... Stalks by Night,
Throat-Ripper, something like that.
853
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,080
But if you and I
have done our job properly,
854
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,440
then he'll send it away
unnamed.
855
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,280
What if he does name it?
856
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,016
Then you and I have lost,
he'll have all his powers,
857
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,600
and Armageddon
will be days away.
858
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,360
There must be some way
of stopping it.
859
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,160
If there was no boy...
860
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:51,800
then the process would stop.
861
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,480
Yes, but there is a boy.
He's over there,
862
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,440
writing a rude word
on a description of a dinosaur.
863
00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:58,880
[Crowley]
Well, there is a boy now.
864
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,080
That could change.
865
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,000
Something could happen to him.
866
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:09,520
I'm saying
you could kill him.
867
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,800
I've never actually...
killed anything.
868
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,200
I don't think I could.
869
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,080
Not even to save
everything?
870
00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:31,400
One life...
871
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,640
against the universe.
872
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,280
Then, this Hell Hound,
873
00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:42,880
it'll show up
at his birthday party?
874
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,760
- Yeah.
- Well, then we should be there.
875
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:49,640
Maybe I can stop the dog.
In fact, I could entertain.
876
00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,080
No, no, no.
Please, no. No.
877
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,536
I just need to get back
into practice.
878
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,600
Oh, no, no.
Don't do your magic act.
879
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,080
- [exhales]
- Please. Please! I'm actually begging you.
880
00:42:57,160 --> 00:43:00,080
- [coin falls to ground]
- You have no idea how demeaning that is. Please.
881
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:02,200
[exhaling]
882
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:03,936
- In your finger.
- No, it was in your ear.
883
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,840
- It was in your pocket.
- It was close to your ear.
884
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:08,640
Never anywhere
near my ear.
885
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:09,760
You're no fun.
886
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:11,160
- Fun?
- Yes.
887
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,160
It's humiliating.
888
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,400
You can do proper magic.
889
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:15,840
You can make things
disappear.
890
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:17,040
But it's not as fun.
891
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,520
Make you disappear.
892
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:21,200
[Aziraphale]
Where has he got to?
893
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:24,160
Is he in here... somewhere?
894
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,800
There he is! Ha! This...
895
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,336
- We'll come back to that one.
- [phone keyboards clicking]
896
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,040
You see, it's me old top hat.
897
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:32,640
But, wait.
898
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,280
What's this?
899
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,800
Could it be
900
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,760
our old furry friend,
901
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,680
Harry the Rabbit?
902
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,360
It was in the table.
903
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,320
You said there was gonna be
a celebrity magician.
904
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,800
I had Penn and Teller at my
party, and I had a silent disco,
905
00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:55,760
- and I got a...
- You're rubbish.
906
00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,240
[child]
Excuse me, excuse me.
907
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,880
He's right, you know.
You are actually rubbish.
908
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,000
[quietly] Five, four,
909
00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:08,760
three, two, one.
910
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,560
[Hastur]
The time is upon us.
911
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:13,720
As soon as the boy
names the Hound,
912
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,080
Armageddon will begin.
913
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,640
- Go. Find your master.
- [all screaming]
914
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,480
[indistinct chatter over radio]
915
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:28,320
He's not back yet?
916
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,560
He's down in Hogback Wood,
playing with his friends.
917
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,440
I've told him to be home
by teatime.
918
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,040
Right, well, give me a shout
when he gets back,
919
00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,240
then we can
light the candles.
920
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:39,840
[no audible dialogue]
921
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:42,880
[kids cheering]
922
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:49,120
[shouts and screams]
923
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:55,320
That was the best
11th birthday ever.
924
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:57,200
It was all a bit of a disaster,
I'm afraid.
925
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,600
Nonsense. You gave them all
a party to remember.
926
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,440
Last one any of them
will ever have, mind.
927
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:03,840
It's late.
928
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,600
Comes of putting it
up your sleeve.
929
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:06,760
[turns radio on]
930
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:07,880
No.
931
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,840
- [wings beating]
- The Hell Hound.
932
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,760
It's late.
933
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,976
[radio announcer]...Isle of
Skye, and your time starts...
934
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,920
[signal warbles]
935
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,480
- [male voice on radio] Hello, Crowley.
- Uh, hi. Who's this?
936
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:21,800
Dagon, Lord of the Files,
937
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:23,520
Master of Torments.
938
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:25,880
Yeah, just checking in
about the Hell Hound.
939
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,440
He should be with you by now.
940
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:30,640
Why? Has something
gone wrong, Crowley?
941
00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,280
Wrong? No, no. Nothing's wrong.
What could be wrong?
942
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,000
Oh, no, I see him now, yes.
943
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,600
What a lovely,
big helly Hell Hound.
944
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:39,960
Yes, OK,
great talking to you.
945
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:42,760
No dog.
946
00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:45,600
No dog.
947
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:47,880
Wrong boy.
948
00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:52,240
Wrong boy.
949
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,480
[God] The right boy was playing
in the woods with his friends.
950
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,720
After all,
it was his birthday.
951
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,600
Hogback Wood
was their Eden,
952
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,360
where they could play
unbothered by adults.
953
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,120
The children called themselves
the "Them".
954
00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,880
Pepper and Brian,
Wensleydale,
955
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:12,560
and the birthday boy, their
leader, who found their den
956
00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:16,560
and invented the best games
of all... Adam.
957
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:21,640
[growling]
958
00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:25,960
[roars]
959
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,800
It's my birthday.
Of course, I'm gonna get a dog.
960
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,216
[Pepper]
You never get what you want.
961
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:33,240
I wanted a bike,
and I asked for it.
962
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:35,440
And I told them I wanted
a razor blade saddle,
963
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,680
and 12 gears and everything.
964
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:38,936
And do you know
what they got me?
965
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,440
A girl's bike.
With a basket.
966
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,720
But you are actually
a girl, Pepper.
967
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,120
That's just sexist.
968
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,080
I want a dog.
969
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:48,960
[Pepper]
Oh, right. And your mum and dad
970
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,216
are just going to get you a big
old Rotten-weiler, then, Adam?
971
00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:52,240
I don't want a big dog.
972
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,000
[curious growl]
973
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,680
I want the kind of dog you can
have fun with. A little dog.
974
00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:59,600
I want a dog that's brilliantly
intelligent,
975
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,480
and can go down rabbit holes,
and I can teach tricks.
976
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:04,640
And I'll call him...
977
00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:07,480
[God] And this is the moment.
The naming.
978
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,760
This will give it its purpose,
its function, its identity.
979
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:15,000
This is the moment that sets
Armageddon into motion.
980
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,920
The Hell Hound growls a low,
rumbling snarl
981
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,280
of spring-coiled menace.
982
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,376
The sort of growl that starts
in the back of one throat
983
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,040
and ends up deep
in someone else's.
984
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:27,360
I think I'll call him "Dog".
985
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,520
[whimpers]
986
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,440
Saves a lot of trouble,
a name like that.
987
00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:35,120
And, what, this dog's
just gonna turn up?
988
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:36,600
Maybe.
989
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:38,960
[barks]
990
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:43,240
Here, boy. Come on.
991
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:01,840
[Dog whines]
992
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:03,600
[Crowley]
Armageddon is days away,
993
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,760
and we've lost the Antichrist.
994
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:09,920
Why did the powers of Hell have
to drag me into this anyway?
995
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,920
Well, don't quote me on this,
but I'm pretty sure
996
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:13,856
it's because of all those memos
you kept sending them,
997
00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:16,160
saying how amazingly well
you were doing.
998
00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:17,840
Is it my fault
they never check-up?
999
00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:20,960
I'm to blame
they never check-up?
1000
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:23,960
Everyone stretches the truth
a bit in memos to head office.
1001
00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:25,456
- You know that.
- Yes, but you told them
1002
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,240
you invented
the Spanish Inquisition
1003
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,480
and started
the Second World War.
1004
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,080
So the humans beat me to it.
That's not my fault.
1005
00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,440
[sniffing]
1006
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:36,040
Something's changed.
1007
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:37,776
Oh, it's a new cologne.
My barber suggested it.
1008
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,960
Not you.
I know what you smell like.
1009
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,800
The Hell Hound
has found its master.
1010
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:47,040
Are you sure?
1011
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,440
I felt it.
Would I lie to you?
1012
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:51,376
Well, obviously. You're a demon.
That's what you do.
1013
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,000
No, I'm not lying.
The boy, wherever he is,
1014
00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:56,320
has the dog.
1015
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,240
He's named it.
It's done.
1016
00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,160
He's coming into his power.
1017
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:02,760
We're doomed.
1018
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:04,960
Well, then...
1019
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:08,320
welcome to the end times.
1020
00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:13,200
[theme music plays]
73142