All language subtitles for Abbys.S01E09.720p.HDTV.x264-AVS+SVA

"Abby's" is filmed in front
of a live outdoor audience.

Guys! You are never gonna believe this.

Okay, but before we dive in,

are we really never gonna
believe this or did you, like,

meet the guy who invented
cell phone antennas?

Martin Cooper? Psh. I wish.

You know, he does live
in the Del Mar area,

and I have loitered outside
his house a couple of times.

Once I saw the top of his head,
which, if you think about it,

is the antenna of his body.

See, this is exactly
what we were afraid of.

All right, look, I know I've
had some duds in the past,

but I'm telling you
this story is the one.

I just need your faith
for a few minutes.

Take my hand and join
me on this journey.

I promise you, you will not regret it.

Guys, guys!

There's a police chase
happening down the street.

Gah! My journey.

They were chasing this
guy up Fern Street

and then he got out of his
car and started running.

- I can't believe that.
- That's what I...

I opened with that. C'mon.

You've got to give me
co-credit for this story.

It counts, right, just chalk
a half one up for Bill.

Bill, you're being so thirsty.

- Did I use it right?
- You did.

- So did they get him?
- Hey, ba-ba-ba-ba.

Let me do this part.

Damn it, I don't know.

No, they didn't get him. He
disappeared into the canyon.

What can... that canyon?

The canyon I can see clearly if
I stand up on my tippy-toes?

Now I'm terrified. Thanks a lot, Rosie.

And Bill.

Yeah! That's my story.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Forgot to buy dishwashing detergent.

We're almost out of clean glasses.

Don't worry about it.
These people are animals.

When Sophia wants water,
she drinks from the hose.

I just don't want to lose
any customers tonight.

I heard Nemo's is having
a 2-for-1 drink special.

Wait, Nemo's?

Is that that dive bar down the street?

I've been in there. Everybody's
like a million years old.

That being said,

a very fun vibe, a lot
of character in there.

I talked to a Hell's Angel
with an oxygen tank, nice guy.

I used to drink at Nemo's
a couple of times a month

before Abby's opened. I was
the youngest one in there

by 15 years.

They used to call me "Junior."

They'd say, "Look at Junior
with his original hips

and his non-orthopedic
shoes." I liked it.

Abby took all their young customers

and there's been bad blood ever since.

One time Nemo gave me a dirty
look at the grocery store.

Not the Albertson's. The Ralph's.

Why does that matter?

'Cause Ralph's where I go to feel safe.

Abby, I saw we were running low

so I bought some dishwashing detergent.

Yes! Rosie.

I also took the garbage
out to the driveway

and I picked all the bagel
chips out of Fred's bar mix.

Bagels are for breakfast.

That's all I have to say about that.

Man, you have been crushing it lately.

Thank you. I owe you one.

Really? Because there's something

I've been working up the
courage to ask you.

No big deal, just been psyching
myself up in the mirror

every morning and in other
reflective surfaces.

Gave myself a pretty long pep
talk in some toilet water...

Rosie.

- Just ask me.
- Okay.

You know how I want to be a
musician and I'm in a new band

and if you really want to do
me a solid can my band play

at the bar tonight? Never mind.

Uh-oh. You're looking at me.

- This is stupid.
- No, no, Rosie.

Yes, sure, why not? Yeah.

Yes! I knew talking to myself
in that toilet would work.

Guys, guys.

Could that be the suspect
from the police chase?

- He matches the description.
- Oh, yeah.

Medium height white guy with brown hair.

What are the odds?

All right, James, you're letting
your imagination run wild.

Like the time you made
me come over your house

with baseball bat 'cause
you were afraid of

what turned out to be a stop sign.

I thought it was a very skinny man

with a very big head.

Oh, God.

- This is awful.
- They're just warming up.

This is what all musicians
sound like when they warm up.

Fine, I'll try to have
a positive attitude.

Eh, didn't take. Going
back to the other thing.

Hey, you guys look great up there.

I can't wait to hear a song.

What do you mean? That was a song.

It was two, actually. "Free Brick #12"

and "Bohemian Rhapso-die-die-die."

Oh. What genre of music
would you say that is?

Uh, I'd say it's like
Post Noise Art Rock.

We call it "Aggressive Confusion."

Huh. Apt.

Can't wait to hear some of
your other stuff, you know?

Maybe some more of your
more music-y music?

Like, maybe "Free Bricks"
numbers 1 through 11?

You want to hear the old stuff?

I mean, it's way more aggressive

and way more confusing, but sure.

Abs, you gotta tell Rosie she's bad,

or when the bar fills up later,
she's gonna embarrass herself.

It'll be like when Fred
thought he could pull off

wearing a turtle neck.

- And I still think I...
- And you're still wrong.

I can't tell Rosie she's
bad. She'll be crushed.

Abby, I'm confused.

Usually you love being brutally honest.

Just yesterday you told
me my arms are too long

for my body, and now that
idea is in me forever.

Well, I mean it's true.

You look like one of those inflatable
mascots at a car dealership.

Oh, yeah!

Put your arms up to the
side and wiggle them.

- Okay, I do not look like...
- See?

The point is...

Why can't you just be honest with Rosie?

Because it's Rosie, you
know? We have a bond.

She looks up to me.
She's... she's my Zellweger.

- Ah, well put.
- It's true.

- She is your Zellweger.
- You guys know perfectly well

that I have no idea what
you're talking about.

In fact, I think you all
are a bunch of sickos

who get off on having an outsider
around who has to ask you

what you're talking about all the time.

- Oh, Bill, relax.
- Yeah, man.

Try not to get your arms
all tied up in a knot.

Rosie is my Renée Zellweger
like in "Jerry Maguire."

When I left my old job,
I made this big speech,

and I said, "Who's coming with me?"

And she was the only one who did.

She looked out for me then,

and I wanna look out for
her now, no matter what.

That is so special.

Oh, whatever. I'm nice
sometimes. Shut up.

We all love Rosie, but I don't know

if I can believably fake
enthusiasm for this music.

Eh, it's not that bad.

Honestly, faking
enthusiasm for your kids

is like 90% of parenting.

When they're in a pool,
every ten seconds

they'll be like, "Mommy,
mommy, watch this."

And then you watch what they do,

and it's just garbage, you know?

Big bag of nothing.

Then you say, "Yay, great swimming,"

or whatever, and they're not
smart, so they believe you.

Beth's right. We just have to
bob our heads to the music

and think of something
that brings us joy.

Then I'll think about
the time that I served

as the grand marshal of the
St. Patrick's Day parade.

Not officially.

And not legally.

And not for very long.

Our potential fugitive,

sipping a beer and keeping to himself.

Exactly the type of behavior

you'd expect from someone hiding out.

Yeah, or someone in a bar.

So the plot thin-ens.

- What's all that?
- Well,

I just figured since
the police are combing

the neighborhood looking
for that suspect

we should probably prepare

in case they stumble upon
our super illegal bar here.

So, if the cops do come,
we're not an illegal bar.

We are having a backyard wedding, huh?

As much as I would like
to give you a hard time,

that is a very good idea. Well done.

See, the bad thing is
that his thing being good

makes your thing seem even dumber.

I'm telling you. He
could be the suspect.

Look at his eyes. They're furtive.

Look at him just furtin' left and right.

He's just a regular guy.

As head of Bar Security,

it's my duty to investigate
a potential threat.

Now come with me and
do most of the talking.

Ah, hey, buddy. Mind if we sit down?

- Hey.
- My name's Fred.

- This is...
- Ramón.

Hi, I'm Clark.

What brings you in here tonight?

Oh, a friend of mine
told me about the bar.

I figure I'd have to
stop in for a drink.

Oh, I know most everybody
that comes in here.

- What's your friend's name?
- Uh, Mike.

Mike. Tall Mike or medium Mike?

- Maybe average Mike?
- I'm sorry.

Medium Mike and average
Mike are different Mikes?

No, they're not. Well played.

Earlier I noticed you were
a little out of breath.

Is that from running from
someone or something?

Oh, actually I have a
condition called COPD.

- It's chronic...
- Obstructive

- pulmonary disease.
- Are you kidding?

- I have COPD too.
- Wow.

Do you use the blue inhaler
or the yellow one?

I use the yellow one
because the blue one

- makes my mouth dry.
- Makes my mouth dry.

- Exactly!
- Get out of here!

Hey, I'm gonna get a beer.
Anybody want anything?

- Yes, please.
- No, thank you.

We don't accept drinks from strangers.

Okay.

James, I love you,

but never come between me
and a free drink again.

Okay, everybody, we have got a
special treat for you tonight.

A little music from our
very own Rosie Khansari

and this guy!

- His name is Brandon.
- Hi!

Sorry. Brandon!

We hope you enjoy the show.

We demand it.

Anyway, please give it up for...
what's your band's name?

Dynamic Intrusion.

Give it up for Rosie and Brandon.

I know someone named Donna.

I know someone named Donna.

Her name is Donna Jankewitz.

Hey, man, enjoying the music?

Not really. It makes me feel
confused and aggressive.

That means it's working.
Just clap, dude.

She's my aunt.

Whoo!

I was pretty nervous, but I
think around the fourth song

- we really hit a groove.
- Oh, yeah.

- You sounded really good.
- Yay, great swimming.

Seriously, this was so much fun.

- Thanks, Abby.
- Oh, of course.

And, uh, since it went so well,

who says it has to end tonight?

Good question. Abby?

Does anyone want to say
it has to end tonight?

It's just that my parents
have been really down on me

since I quit med school
to become a musician

and two years in I haven't
had a steady gig.

What better way to show my
parents that I can do this

then to perform in front of
this amazing crowd every week?

Wow. Every week.

All the weeks.

So if it's a week, we're doing this.

Am I saying the right number of weeks?

Huh, yeah, what better
way to show your parents

you can do this then to
perform here every week. Huh.

Let's just... just think about
that for a second, everyone.

Let's just think if there's
a better way, you know?

Let's think about it with our brains.

Hm.

Well, can't think of anything,

so I guess you have
yourself a gig at Abby's.

Yes! This is amazing!

Brandon's gonna be so excited.
He might eat food.

Okay, it's time to get serious.

Maybe we can get away
with lying to Rosie once,

but every week?

There's 50 people here most nights.

One of them is gonna slip up,

either because they forget
or because they're James.

She's right. There's a high possibility

I'm gonna blow this.

You gonna have to tell Rosie the truth.

I can't. I don't want
to break Rosie's heart.

You know, she's young,
and she has a dream.

Don't you remember what
it's like to have a dream?

I mean, I wanted to train
killer whales at SeaWorld,

but then you know Blackfish.

Yeah.

- I wanted to design apps.
- Hey, really?

You know, James, I'm a decent coder.

In fact, I've written several
of my own applications.

Not those type of apps.

I mean like buffalo chicken blasters

or baked potato blasters.

But they already discovered
all the good blasters.

I always dreamed of being a man

who could pull off a turtle neck.

- And you know what, I still co...
- No.

You can't.

When I was practicing law,

I wanted to start a nonprofit

for people displaced
by natural disasters.

Then I was so tired on
Saturdays, it was just like,

"Eh, they'll be fine."

I wanted to just be married once.

- Oh.
- For crying out loud.

Guys, look at Rosie right now.

She's telling her
parents that her dreams

are about to come true.

I can't take that away from her.

So what do we do?

Why don't we get her a gig at Nemo's?

- Huh.
- Think about it. It's a bigger venue.

They have a stage.

And actual sound equipment.

Yeah, the audience is old,
but they're the kind of old

where if they don't like
it, it's a compliment.

It's weirdly perfect.

Yes, and also real bands
used to play there.

Back in the day for five
bucks you could get a beer

and an STD from someone really famous.

It's not a bad idea.

But why would Nemo help us?

Did y'all not hear my
Ralph story earlier?

I got a look, Abby.

A dirty look.

I'm just gonna have to make a deal.

It'll be the hardest
thing I've ever done,

but, Beth, set it up.

Wait a second. Making a deal with Nemo

is gonna be the hardest
thing you've ever done?

No, man, I was a marine,
but if I start talking

about how I blew up a
bridge with a hand grenade

then everyone would get turned on

and we don't have time for that.

Listen to this. They
walk over to the door.

They turn around and look back at me.

And I knew that I would never see

Chuck Norris or Fran
Drescher ever again.

That is an amazing story.

It sure is, Clark. It...

Looks like you about
done with that beer.

Mind if I take that empty off you?

Oh, sure. Thanks, man.

Oh, we're very serious
about our dirty dishes

here at Abby's.

Ramón.

I think it might be
time to relax a little.

You got some mud on your shoes.

Wanna tell me how that happened?

Oh.

I'd rather not talk about it.

I wonder why. Hm.

Just tell us, Clark.
Just tell us the truth.

Why is there mud on your shoes?

Okay.

I buried my dog today.

- Oh.
- Yeah, his name was Romper.

He was a good dog.

- Oh, wow.
- I'm gonna miss him.

- It's okay, buddy.
- Here's a picture.

- Oh, boy.
- This is before he was dead.

Yeah, he looks alive here.

See, don't worry. There's a place where

beloved pets go when they die
called the Rainbow Bridge.

And I'm sure Romper's up
there playing right now

with my old dog, Ramó... James.

Want to see a picture? Here he is.

- I got a picture too.
- Okay.

It's my old dog, Mr. Paw-dre.

I spelled it P-A-W... and
the D-R-E is the same.

- Yeah. Makes sense.
- Look at him.

Well, I think if the
police do come looking

for that fugitive, this wedding
is gonna be a pretty good alibi

that we're not running an
illegal outdoor bar here.

Only problem is I can't figure
out this seating chart.

It's a fake wedding, buddy.

Yeah, but, you know, my ex-wife...
she didn't really give me a say

in our wedding, so I'm
finally getting to plan

the wedding that I've always wanted.

Hey, wanna guess the
surprise wedding favor?

It's baby succulents. I
just had to tell somebody.

It's time, Abby.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

While I still have you guys here,

candles in mason jars,
chic or are we over that?

Hm.

Fine.

- Abby.
- Nemo.

- Beth.
- Fringo.

Damn it, you know my name is Teddy!

All right!

Abby, I got to get back soon.
Beth said you need a favor.

Yeah, I need you to offer someone

a weekly gig at your bar, a paid gig.

- I'm not paying someon...
- No.

I would pay you so you could pay them,

but as far as everybody
knows, the gig's legit.

I might be able to do that.

But you don't get something
for nothing, Ponytail.

Teddy, give her the list
of the stuff we want.

"Switch to regular toothpicks

"instead of the little plastic swords.

The swords are our thing."

Okay, whatever.

You want us to take Skip's brother, Kip?

He's a troublemaker. He picks fights.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Oh, good God. Is he
Skip's older brother?

Somehow?

Yeah, okay, fine. We'll take him.

What else is on here?

Take little Nemo. Who's little Nemo?

He's a mean dog that sits in our bar.

Eats pennies.

He's mean.

Abs, are you sure this is easier

than telling Rosie the truth?

- I don't want a mean dog.
- Okay.

If we do all that, we take
Kip, we take the mean dog...

- Sword toothpicks?
- Yes, fine.

You'll let Rosie's band play?

Abby?

Rosie. How long have you
been listening to us?

- Long enough.
- Look, I can explain.

We have a really good reason
for wanting to swap you

and your band for Nemo's mean dog.

Oh, my God, that's like
a million times worse

than what I heard. What the hell?

I knew this whole
faking enthusiasm thing

- was a bad idea.
- Yeah.

Maybe it works on kids
but not on adults.

This is why I've never faked my orgasms.

What, I'm gonna take off my clothes

and put on a little play for somebody?

Pfft, who has the time?

You come to my bed,
you're there to work.

Get it right or I'll make a sandwich.

What do I care.

Okay.

Rosie, will you please just talk to me?

Well, you hate my music so much,
I'd thought I'd play it safe

and never make sounds
with my mouth ever again.

You were gonna trade me for a mean dog?

To avoid hearing me sing you'd
rather be bitten by a mean dog.

No, not bitten.

It was just gonna, like, be here.

I didn't know what else to do.

Oh, right, you know what they say.

When in doubt, swap out
your friend for a mean dog.

No, Rosie, I didn't do all
of that to get rid of you.

I did it because I care about you.

I didn't want to crush your dreams.

I feel like you look up to me,
and I wanted to protect you.

You're my Zellweger.

Abby, I look up to you because
you're honest with people,

including me.

I'm tough enough to take criticism,

so just treat me how
you'd wanna be treated.

Honestly.

Okay.

Rosie...

Your music is very bad.

Okay, I respect your opinion.

Go on.

I think it might be awhile
before I can enjoy music again.

Seems like we're veering
away from "honesty"

and into "brutal truth,"
but this is good.

- Keep going.
- Look, how about this?

You can play here once a
month while you get better,

and if I don't like it, I will boo.

Deal, and seriously you don't
have to like my music.

People of your generation don't
really get millennial stuff.

What... Rosie, we're
the same generation.

Okay, yeah, sure.

People my age definitely get
your "Jerry Maguire" references.

But you just got it.

I can't believe we're gonna do this.

I mean I've always wanted a
reason to go deep sea fishing,

and now I got two: Bean Pole and Ramón.

It's gonna be great.

We're gonna load the boat with supplies,

we'll pump Ramón full of Dramamine,

and then we head for my secret
spot off the coast of Mexico.

You know, Clark, I feel
so dumb about it now.

When you first got here,

I was so scared to go talk to you.

I'm scared of a lot of things,

but I don't want to live
my life like that anymore.

- I really wanna...
- Oh, crap!

- It's the cops!
- Suspect in sight.

Officers in pursuit.

_

Stupid fence. Give me a sec.

Everyone, to our bride...

Beth and Randro,

from all of us here in this
legal, normal backyard,

we wish that you find
happiness every single day.

- Chin-chin, everyone.
- Sorry, folks.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Officer.

Feel free to grab a baby
succulent on your way out.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --