Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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00:00:01,392 --> 00:00:01,610
.
2
00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,568
[bright tones]
3
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:05,527
[bell ringing]
4
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,398
[overlapping chatter]
5
00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:10,053
- I cannot afford
to lose momentum on my book,
6
00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,838
and this hunk of junk
last night started doing that--
7
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,405
that spinning
rainbow wheel thing?
8
00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,668
And then I--I tried to fix it
by mashing all the keys,
9
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:19,845
and it started bonking at me
like, "Bonk, bonk, bonk."
10
00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:21,108
And then it sounded like
11
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,370
my hair dryer was in there,
or something?
12
00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,763
- You have a hair dryer?
- Okay, here we go.
13
00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:25,851
Yeah, yeah.
[stammers]
14
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:26,983
Yeah, you have time
to dry your hair
15
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,550
but not put on
real pants, right?
16
00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:30,030
And do you use the hair dryer
to heat up your TV dinners
17
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,205
and so on, and so forth?
18
00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:32,858
Get it out now, ladies.
Very funny stuff.
19
00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:34,034
[women laughing]
20
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,513
- We got you.
- Yeah, yeah, you got me.
21
00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,472
All right, so is there,
like, a computer lab?
22
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:38,864
I--I gotta get
my work done, here.
23
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:40,518
- Yes, but you'd never catch me
24
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:41,867
touching the keyboards
in the lab.
25
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,956
I mean, kids put
their fingers everywhere.
26
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,176
- [laughs]
They touch turtles.
27
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,222
- All right, yeah, but I don't
have a choice, okay?
28
00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:49,962
'Cause the only computer
I can afford right now
29
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:52,182
is, like, a used OLPC XO,
30
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:54,532
which is a remedial device
used by children
31
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:55,446
in third-world countries.
32
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:57,318
- Good morning, Whitlockians.
33
00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,363
Did you guys get the memo?
[clears throat]
34
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:02,105
"This year's
'Whitlock's Got Talent'
35
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,673
is going to be the best ever!"
36
00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:06,196
- Yes, we hear you!
- Well, let me see that.
37
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,068
- [stammers]
- What?
38
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:09,417
This is a doctor's letter
39
00:01:09,460 --> 00:01:10,896
saying that you can
use the bathroom on planes
40
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,681
even when
the seatbelt sign is on.
41
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,335
- Oh, Durbs.
42
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:17,164
Why would you use this paper
as your fake memo?
43
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,382
- I don't know, all right?
44
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,471
But I desperately
need that back.
45
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,386
- Mm-hmm.
46
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,041
- The one thing
I would like you all to take
47
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,347
from this interaction
48
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:30,133
is that the talent show
is going to be fun.
49
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,482
- I hate the talent show.
50
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,832
No one signed up
for my bell choir.
51
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:35,095
Third year in a row.
52
00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,748
- Oh, I'll sign up.
53
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:38,489
- Yeah.
Girl, we got you.
54
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:39,664
- Girl, what if mine
were all fast?
55
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:41,405
Like, ding-ding-ding,
ding-ding-ding.
56
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:43,103
- Mm-hmm, and then
I'll go like:
57
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,365
♪ Bong
58
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:45,409
- You can't actually do two...
- ♪ Bong
59
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,150
- At once.
- Ding-ding-ding-ding.
60
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,152
- [beat boxing]
- Like: Bonk. Bonk, bonk.
61
00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:50,936
- No, no.
[all vocalizing]
62
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,634
No!
- Guys, guys.
63
00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:55,289
That's great, but you're still
gonna need some students.
64
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:57,465
This is a talent show
for students.
65
00:01:57,508 --> 00:02:00,598
Our sponsor, Greta Donovan
from Donovan Exterminators,
66
00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:02,513
has upped the prize money
67
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,950
to $3,000.
68
00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:06,778
all: Ooh!
- Been a very good year.
69
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,171
- Wait, I'm sorry, $3,000?
70
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,391
You're just gonna give
a bunch of kids $3,000?
71
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:13,220
I mean, that--that's the price
of a first-world computer.
72
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,570
- We make the check out
to their faculty advisor.
73
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,485
We're not stupid.
74
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:20,009
- We're gonna win
the talent show.
75
00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:21,010
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
76
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,359
- One, two, three, four!
77
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:25,145
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
78
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:27,973
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
79
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:34,980
♪
80
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:36,286
- Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah.
81
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,245
- Why would you choose
to do an extracurricular
82
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,160
when you don't even do
regular curricular?
83
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,466
- Look, guys,
the answer is simple, okay?
84
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:43,772
I love talent.
85
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,208
- We could use the money
to have a pizza party
86
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,514
with all kinds of pizzas.
87
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,342
Pepperoni pizza...
- Meat lover's pizza.
88
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,257
- I like Hawaiian pizza.
- What are we doing, guys?
89
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,693
We're just gonna list
all the pizzas in the world?
90
00:02:51,736 --> 00:02:53,216
Yeah, sure,
we'll have a pizza party.
91
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,000
But first we gotta find
some talent, okay?
92
00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:56,263
So let's--
let's start over here.
93
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,438
Marissa, what do you got?
94
00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:58,830
- I could say
the alphabet backwards.
95
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,877
"Z-Y-X-V..."
96
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,052
[lighthearted music]
97
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:04,488
"T"--
- Yeah, that stinks.
98
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,186
It really does.
Who else?
99
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,710
- I can juggle four balls.
100
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,234
Make that five.
101
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:13,105
I also do magic.
- Mm-hmm.
102
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:15,282
You just keep getting worse.
103
00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:16,326
Come on guys.
Who else, who else, who else?
104
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,588
Uh, Dan.
Dan, what's your talent?
105
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,329
- I mean, I could throw food
up in the air
106
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:20,330
and catch it in my mouth.
107
00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:21,331
- Really?
- Yeah.
108
00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:24,856
- Let me see that.
109
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,467
Oh, whoa, that was awesome.
110
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:27,642
He caught popcorn in his mouth.
111
00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,209
All right, well,
Dan Decker's on the lead.
112
00:03:29,252 --> 00:03:30,210
Who else?
Who else, guys?
113
00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:31,211
Over--anybody over here?
114
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:34,257
You got something, Vic?
115
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:38,000
You lost your nerve,
there, bud?
116
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,393
All right, well come on.
117
00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:40,698
There's gotta be somebody
with some talent, yeah?
118
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:42,961
Caleb, what you got cooking?
- Nothing.
119
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:44,789
- Hey, no secrets from papa.
120
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,182
- It's just a dumb play.
121
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,531
Papa.
122
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:49,707
- A play?
123
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,232
Hmm.
124
00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:56,801
"A pregnant prostitute
crosses the stage barefoot.
125
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:59,151
♪
126
00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:02,720
"She stops and pulls a sticker
from a banana off her foot."
127
00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,069
Fascinating.
128
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,593
[no audible dialogue]
129
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:07,812
♪
130
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,031
- Ralph, bad news.
131
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,076
Mr. Porter's sick,
so he's not gonna be able
132
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,600
to emcee the talent show
this year.
133
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,515
Plus, his drama class
is unsupervised,
134
00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:15,907
and they might be
having an orgy.
135
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:18,780
- Okay, our kids would never
do something that awful.
136
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,085
- Tread lightly, Ralph.
137
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:21,522
I'm an orgy baby.
138
00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,567
My mom was an orgy baby,
her mom was--
139
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:26,396
- Helen, Helen, Helen.
[stammers]
140
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,919
We need to figure out
who's gonna host.
141
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:30,400
- Who are we gonna find
to replace Mr. Porter?
142
00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:33,403
- Who's got the--the pizzazz,
the singing chops,
143
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,927
the rhythm to--
to do what he does?
144
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,929
There's no one.
145
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,584
[tapping jaunty rhythm]
146
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:44,414
- [gasps]
Ralph, you've got the rhythm!
147
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:48,157
♪ And I can sing
[scatting]
148
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,028
- ♪ And we can both
149
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,421
♪ Kind of act
150
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:56,905
- ♪ Plus I can sing
151
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,428
♪
152
00:04:58,472 --> 00:04:59,777
- We're a triple threat.
153
00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:01,649
Helen, will you host
154
00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:03,128
"Whitlock's Got Talent"
with me?
155
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,957
- Ralph, I would be honored.
156
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,960
[cheerful music]
157
00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:15,184
♪
158
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:18,143
- Welcome to your first
handbell lesson.
159
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,232
I'm Michelle, your director.
160
00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:21,973
- [laughs]
- Ooh, "director."
161
00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:24,498
- I know, look at Michelle
getting all serious.
162
00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:26,891
- Right.
both: "I'm the director."
163
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,066
- [fake laugh]
164
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:30,330
Well, handbells
are serious instruments.
165
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:32,332
They are not toys.
166
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,421
These are each
individually cast,
167
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,075
they can never touch
one another,
168
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:40,514
and one must always
wear gloves
169
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:43,386
when handling the bells.
170
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,910
Ahem.
171
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:49,305
You are about to go
on a wild journey.
172
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,089
There will be high highs...
173
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:54,092
[high tone]
174
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,137
♪
175
00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:56,834
- [whispering]
And crushing lows.
176
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,837
[deep note]
177
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,448
♪
178
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:02,579
Don't be scared.
179
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,015
- I want that big daddy
right there.
180
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,539
- Ah-ah, no, no, no.
181
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:08,193
I am the only non-Soviet female
who can play that one.
182
00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:11,632
[clears throat]
Bells up!
183
00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:14,852
[rousing percussion music]
184
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:19,117
♪
185
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,250
- This is it.
186
00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:22,382
This is amazing.
187
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,427
It's--it's raw,
it's super weird...
188
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,950
[laughs]
It's got grit.
189
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:28,605
I bet you the judges have
never seen anything like this.
190
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,216
Caleb, I was blown away when--
when the pregnant prostitute
191
00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,348
showed up at the truck stop
192
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,263
with a brick of coke
and a pound cake.
193
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,047
- Really?
- Yeah, man.
194
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,048
You gotta own your talent.
195
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:38,049
I mean, really, you're--
196
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,529
you're competing
against garbage.
197
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:41,401
I mean, people are juggling,
and some are doing magic.
198
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,228
- Those are both mine.
- Yeah.
199
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,447
- Why don't you pick on Dan?
200
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,536
All he did was eat popcorn.
201
00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:48,408
- Okay, Marcus,
I can catch harder stuff, too.
202
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,583
I catch ham.
203
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,889
And I'm not talking about
the deli slices.
204
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:54,457
I'm talking about
the thick Easter cuts.
205
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,937
- That is cool...
[sighs]
206
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,940
But with my help, this play
is gonna be next level.
207
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,333
Round of applause
for Caleb, everybody.
208
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,987
He's our $3,000 baby.
209
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:05,990
[applause]
210
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,471
♪
211
00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:11,692
.
212
00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:13,563
- You neutered me.
213
00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,957
You literally took them off me.
214
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,133
- I had to get information
out of you
215
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,135
for my job as mob boss.
216
00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,311
- But you were my best friend,
217
00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:24,835
and you cut
my [bleep] [bleep] off.
218
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,402
- Go home to your family.
219
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,838
You're drunk.
220
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:28,970
It's Christmas.
221
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:31,233
- [groans]
That's great.
222
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:32,974
That's great.
All right, again, again.
223
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,758
- Look at my mangled face.
224
00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:37,848
- You can't command me around
just 'cause you're my husband.
225
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,241
- Then I command you
226
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:42,766
as Chief of Police of Paris.
227
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:45,552
Look at my mangled face.
228
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,163
- [wails]
229
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,773
- The whole thing
takes place in Paris.
230
00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,122
I didn't realize that
until just now.
231
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,646
That really elevates it.
- Right?
232
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,561
- You gave my sister an STD.
233
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,476
Good-bye.
234
00:07:57,999 --> 00:08:00,480
- Holy [bleep] [bleep].
235
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:03,570
You're the prostitute
that stabbed me.
236
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:04,614
- I'm pregnant.
237
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:05,963
The doctor said it's your baby.
238
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,965
He had your sperm on file.
239
00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:10,533
- I mean,
I'd help raise it, but...
240
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,797
I'm dead.
- [sighs]
241
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,364
Wow.
242
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:17,148
That's great, guys.
That is really great.
243
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,976
We'll maybe tweak the ending
a little bit, though.
244
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:19,977
- Yeah, I felt that, too.
245
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,022
- All right,
let's keep this going.
246
00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:22,502
I think we're gonna
get that pizza!
247
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:23,720
- Pepperoni.
248
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:24,852
- Yeah, we'll get
a bunch of them.
249
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:25,853
You don't have to--
- Mushroom.
250
00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:28,290
- Grace.
251
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,511
[all playing
Steve Winwood's "Valerie"]
252
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:38,518
♪
253
00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,740
- Bells down.
- Whoo!
254
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,525
[laughs]
255
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:46,961
- [sighs]
256
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,354
Wow, that was rough.
257
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,140
- Uh, well,
it could probably use
258
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:53,707
a little pizzazz.
259
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,317
- Yes, I was thinking that.
260
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,797
Maybe we take one glove off
and we just hit 'em with a...
261
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,233
♪ Hee-hee
- Ooh, yes!
262
00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:00,452
And then maybe combine the two
so it's like a little...
263
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:01,802
♪ Shamone
264
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,760
♪ Hee-hee
- Come on, combo.
265
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:06,850
[both vocalizing]
266
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,852
- ♪ Ah
- [hissing between teeth]
267
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,115
Shut up!
268
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,204
At this point, I don't think
anyone's even gonna know
269
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,511
we're playing
Steve Winwood's "Valerie."
270
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,774
The greatest fear
of every handbell ringer
271
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,080
is that the audience
won't be able
272
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,647
to tell what song it is.
273
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:24,041
It happens in over 70%
of all handbell performances.
274
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,043
Look, I love you guys,
275
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:28,089
You both seem very nice
as people,
276
00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,221
and, like, you're trying
to improve, but...
277
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:31,919
[laughs]
As handbell players,
278
00:09:31,962 --> 00:09:33,007
you're nothing.
279
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:35,575
You're fired.
Return your gloves.
280
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,011
- But, Michelle,
281
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:39,230
I have a milk delivery
I need to make in the 1950s.
282
00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:42,538
- And I had a date
with a California raisin.
283
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,236
- [quietly] All right.
- [rings bell aggressively]
284
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,413
[funky percussion music]
285
00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:49,719
♪
286
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,112
- I got it.
287
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:54,071
What if our act is something
like the show "Jackass"?
288
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,856
Here, put this pudding cup
on the floor.
289
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,118
I'm gonna dive into it.
290
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,555
- Helen, Helen, get--
no, get down, all right?
291
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,602
If we're gonna impress Greta,
we need something magical.
292
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:04,516
Something--
something transcendent.
293
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:08,129
A--a surefire hit for the ages.
294
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,959
- "Jackass"!
- Billy Crystal Oscar medley.
295
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:14,439
- That's a good idea, too.
- All right.
296
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:15,832
- Hey.
297
00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:18,269
Just gonna sign my kids up
for that talent show.
298
00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,968
Now, is that $3,000
gonna come in cash?
299
00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:23,274
I also accept Apple gift cards.
300
00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:24,624
For the kids, obviously.
301
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:27,278
- Oh, I like your confidence.
It's foxy.
302
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:28,845
- Yeah, well, I think
the judges are gonna be
303
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:29,933
pretty blown away
304
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,239
by the edgy theater piece
we're doing.
305
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,807
- Uh, there aren't any judges.
[laughs]
306
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,460
We have an applause-o-meter.
307
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,462
It gauges
the audience reaction.
308
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:39,334
Usually
crowd-pleasing spectacles
309
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,640
are the ones that win.
310
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:41,641
- Last year's winner
311
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,251
set off fireworks
while she sang
312
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:44,905
and armpit-farted
the national anthem.
313
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,428
All four verses--
314
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,212
including the original
racist one.
315
00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:49,649
- Wait a second,
so we're not gonna be judged
316
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:50,780
by a panel of experts
317
00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,869
who appreciate nuance
and originality?
318
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,828
We're just judged by...
319
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,481
noise?
- [whispers] Yeah.
320
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:59,702
- [blows raspberry]
- [laughing]
321
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,966
♪
322
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,228
- Thank you for the sex.
323
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,100
It felt normal.
324
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:08,798
- Just leave the money
on the table and get out.
325
00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:10,452
I'm going into labor.
326
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:14,238
Uh, oh, gosh.
Here we go.
327
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,067
- I was born into fire.
328
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,416
- Wow...
[sighs]
329
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:21,811
Hate to cut that off, guys,
but change of plans.
330
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,160
The play is dead.
331
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:24,727
Yeah, we gotta think
of something else.
332
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:25,859
No one was gonna like it.
333
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,164
It was never gonna
win us that money.
334
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,123
Now, who can make a melody
with their armpit?
335
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,777
- But you said
my play was good.
336
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,169
My--my parents are coming.
337
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:33,736
This is the first thing
I've invited them to.
338
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,607
- Well, they should still come,
'cause we need clappers.
339
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,348
Now, are they the hooting
and hollering type?
340
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:40,047
'Cause that'd be great.
341
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:41,483
Was that a yes?
- Yeah.
342
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:43,572
- We'll think of something.
343
00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:47,271
.
344
00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,709
- All right, guys,
we don't have a lot of time,
345
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:50,884
but we need to put on
the most pandering,
346
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,059
mass-appealing show
ever known to man.
347
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,408
So what do your
dumb classmates like?
348
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:54,670
Go.
- Candy.
349
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,150
Cheese Whiz.
- The beach.
350
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,674
Walks on the beach.
Drinks on the beach.
351
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,197
- According to
a YouTube search,
352
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:03,331
the most watched videos
are of electronic dance music
353
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:05,550
Bollywood, unboxing,
354
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,118
ASMR, juggling...
355
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:11,121
[rousing music]
356
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:14,298
♪
357
00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:17,606
- So, what are we doing?
358
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,869
- Whew.
359
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:23,655
All of it.
360
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,353
♪
361
00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:28,051
[devious chuckle]
362
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,010
- Principle Durbin, wake up!
363
00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:31,881
You're gonna miss
"Whitlock's Got Talent"!
364
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,753
- [laughing]
No, I won't!
365
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:34,971
Because...
366
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:39,280
[cheers and applause]
367
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:42,065
[glamorous music]
368
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,415
both:
♪ Whitlock's got talent
369
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,461
♪ Whitlock's got talent
370
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,593
♪ Whitlock's got talent
371
00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,508
♪ Whitlock's got talent
372
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,902
- Welcome to
"Whitlock's Got Talent."
373
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,817
And, oh, who do we have here?
- Uh-oh.
374
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:57,428
- It's Coach!
- I had to be here.
375
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,039
I'm making sure the gym floor
doesn't get scuffed.
376
00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:00,910
- [chuckling]
- That is so Coach!
377
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,390
He shows up to the talent show,
378
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,088
but he can't get his players
to show up to the game.
379
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,960
[laughter]
380
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,788
- Oh, and who else
do we have here today?
381
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:12,269
It's Greta Donovan
from Donovan Exterminators,
382
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,357
where Whitlock high goes
383
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:17,100
for all of its
pest control needs.
384
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:19,102
- And thanks to this
lovely lady,
385
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:21,931
we know that the beetles won't
be performing here tonight.
386
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:23,193
[audience groans, laughs]
387
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,108
both:
♪ Whitlock's got talent
388
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,980
♪ Whitlock's got talent
389
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,938
♪ Whitlock's got talent
390
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:30,766
♪ Whitlock's got talent
391
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,769
- [scatting]
392
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,294
♪
393
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:39,035
- [scatting]
Boom!
394
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:42,256
- [increasingly
bizarre scatting]
395
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,867
♪
396
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,914
[trilling]
♪ Ree
397
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,437
[light applause]
398
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,919
- Your next contestant is
Mrs. Jones and her companions.
399
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,795
- Bells up.
400
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:00,970
- Oh, my God.
401
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:03,843
She replaced us with herself.
402
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,018
- She did not.
403
00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:08,238
[playing
Steve Winwood's "Valerie"]
404
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:15,332
♪
405
00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:17,639
both: Oh...
406
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:19,902
- But this is very good.
407
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,165
I mean, she is excellent.
408
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:23,514
♪
409
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:26,430
- [gasps]
- [exclaims]
410
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,651
- Okay, guys, we are up next
and we need to win, all right?
411
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:30,695
This is gonna be
the greatest night
412
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,001
of all your lives.
413
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:34,699
[excited chatter]
Here we go.
414
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:38,703
♪
415
00:14:38,747 --> 00:14:41,445
- Oh, my God,
she's going for the big boy.
416
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:42,707
♪
417
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,622
- Let's bring it in, guys.
Okay, ready?
418
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,189
One, two, three...
419
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,756
[all calling pizza toppings]
420
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,932
- Oh, still talking
about pizza, huh?
421
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,065
[applause]
422
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:54,676
- Thank you so much,
Mrs. Jones.
423
00:14:54,719 --> 00:14:56,025
- Amazing.
424
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:58,985
- And now, back to the student,
uh, talent show.
425
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:02,684
Up next is Mr. Griffin's
A.P. Bio class.
426
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,773
Did you know that Mr. Griffin
427
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,906
used to teach at Harvard?
428
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:07,907
- Really?
429
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,300
I've never heard him
mention it!
430
00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:11,911
[laughter]
431
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,738
- You guys ready?
Let's do it.
432
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,131
- Please welcome
433
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:19,657
the EDM Candy Dance Spectacular
Samurai Explosion.
434
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:23,357
[heavy electronic pop music
playing through speakers]
435
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,359
- Grace, now.
436
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:29,841
♪
437
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,843
- ♪ Kick it
438
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:36,587
♪
439
00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:39,329
[cheering]
440
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:46,423
♪
441
00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:56,216
- Go! Go harder!
Do more stuff!
442
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,522
♪
443
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:01,482
[cheering]
444
00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:02,483
♪
445
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,615
Ah, he's gonna ruin it.
446
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:08,793
♪
447
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:11,231
Eduardo, Marissa, Sarika, go!
448
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:14,451
♪
449
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,454
[cheering, whistling]
450
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:23,634
♪
451
00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:25,462
Caleb!
Smile, man!
452
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,334
Sell it!
453
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:30,511
♪
454
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:31,686
[sighs]
All right.
455
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,035
[audience muttering]
456
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,297
Pour candy corn in the fan.
457
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:35,559
- You're going
a little too far.
458
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:38,301
- No, trust me, man.
They're gonna love it.
459
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:45,395
♪
460
00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:50,183
[audience shouting]
461
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,923
- Get outta here.
Knock it off.
462
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,795
♪
463
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:54,839
[audience coughing]
464
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:56,145
- What are we looking at?
465
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,973
- You just have to pick one
and watch them.
466
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,061
Otherwise,
you'll get a headache.
467
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:02,282
[audience booing]
468
00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:04,371
♪
469
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:06,677
[music stops]
470
00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:09,767
[audience coughing, booing]
471
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,600
- They didn't like it.
They didn't like it.
472
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:19,603
[tense music]
473
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:22,476
♪
474
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:25,522
.
475
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,176
- All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
476
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,875
prepare to be amazed.
477
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,181
For this next trick...
- I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.
478
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:34,531
I know you really wanted
that pizza.
479
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,099
It's hard when you have
your heart set on something
480
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,361
you really, really want...
481
00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:39,449
- Okay.
482
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:40,842
- And then it gets
taken away from you.
483
00:17:40,885 --> 00:17:43,758
I, too, wanted that pizza.
484
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,151
- Okay, all right, Victor.
I hear you.
485
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,544
Yeah, thank you.
- Cut him in half.
486
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,634
[distant applause]
487
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,378
Hey, listen, why don't you two
go take your seats?
488
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:56,814
You're not gonna want
to miss this, okay?
489
00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:59,121
- It was nice knowing you.
490
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,644
Ha-oh!
491
00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:02,385
- [groans]
- Wow, that's great.
492
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,735
Yeah, I--can I just--?
Sorry about that.
493
00:18:04,779 --> 00:18:06,215
Uh, hi, everybody.
494
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:08,304
Um, I just wanted
to let you all know,
495
00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:11,090
there will be one more entry
in tonight's contest:
496
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,875
Caleb Baker's dramatic,
seven-act play.
497
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,660
[scattered applause]
498
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:19,446
Don't know how they did that.
499
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:20,751
Caleb, it's go time.
500
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:21,926
- I don't want
to do my play, I--
501
00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,146
- Caleb, come here.
502
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,234
[sighs]
Listen, man.
503
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,062
I was wrong, okay?
[stammers]
504
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,281
I backed the wrong horse.
505
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:29,412
I should have gone
with my first instinct
506
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:30,457
and done your play.
507
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,501
- You said no one
was gonna like it.
508
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,286
- Well, they probably won't.
509
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,984
'Cause it's good,
like my books.
510
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:38,160
You know who likes my books?
511
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,944
I do.
512
00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:42,295
Do you like your play?
513
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,514
- Yeah.
514
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,864
- I like it.
- I like it.
515
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:48,301
- Me, too.
That's four.
516
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,781
That's already more
than Mr. Griffin's books.
517
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:51,782
- All right,
take it easy, man.
518
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:52,783
- Let's do this.
519
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,655
I've got an idea
for the ending.
520
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:56,396
[inaudible whispering]
521
00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:59,050
[sweet music]
522
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,314
- [sighs]
523
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:06,101
♪
524
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:09,191
- Holy [bleep] [bleep].
525
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,888
You're the prostitute
that stabbed me.
526
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,107
- I'm pregnant,
527
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,414
and the doctor said
it's your baby.
528
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,937
- I told you.
529
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:18,679
- I mean, I'd help you
raise it, but...
530
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,247
I'm dead.
- Mm.
531
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:24,032
- I've been meaning
to tell you...
532
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,295
I'm dead, too.
533
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,644
- I told you.
534
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:28,993
- I know you did.
535
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,343
- Now, take me to heaven
536
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:33,781
before we both
get dragged to hell.
537
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,001
[cheers and applause]
538
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,002
- Oh, boy.
539
00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:40,004
- Okay.
[laughs]
540
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:42,093
That's the table
from shop class.
541
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:44,183
- Let's hear it
for Caleb's play.
542
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:46,097
- Yes.
- Whoo!
543
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:49,013
- That was, uh,
very inappropriate,
544
00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:51,190
but I think we have a winner!
545
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:54,367
[cheers and applause]
546
00:19:54,410 --> 00:20:00,590
♪
547
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,288
[bell ringing]
548
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:03,593
♪
549
00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:04,899
- All right.
[sighs]
550
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,815
- Whoa, $3,000 worth of pizza?
551
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:09,947
- Grace, no what are you--
what are you talking about?
552
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,210
I bought this pizza.
553
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,995
- You bought us pizza
with your own money?
554
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,866
But you're poor.
555
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:17,041
- They're beautiful,
556
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,870
but we can't possibly
accept them.
557
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,481
- It's not like
I can take it back.
558
00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,352
Plus, you guys deserve it,
okay?
559
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:26,442
You--you won first place,
all right?
560
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:29,010
Although the old lady,
she did rescind the money
561
00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:32,535
because of you guys'
dirty ghost sex.
562
00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,058
- Thank you for liking
my play, Mr. Griffin.
563
00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:35,146
- Everyone did.
564
00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:37,018
- Yeah, I guess it was artful.
565
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,063
And the masses liked it.
566
00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:40,717
I hope you know
what that's like someday.
567
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,545
- All right, well, bring it
down a notch, there, bud, okay?
568
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,982
Dan Decker could read one of
my philosophy papers out loud
569
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,462
and the masses
would like it, too, okay?
570
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:48,247
That's--that's just Dan Decker.
571
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,726
He is the coolest.
572
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:52,512
[all laughing]
573
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:55,341
All right, so just
read my book into the mic.
574
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:57,908
- "The pursuit of happiness
can be broken down
575
00:20:57,952 --> 00:21:00,215
"into four basic categories:
576
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,565
"One, work a job
where you can see
577
00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,132
"the physical results
of your labor
578
00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:05,742
"at the end of the day.
579
00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:09,137
"Two, create
mundane celebrations
580
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:12,401
"to distract
from impending death.
581
00:21:12,445 --> 00:21:15,970
"Three, ingest sugary, fatty,
582
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:19,278
or salty foods
that release endorphins."
583
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:22,542
[rousing country music]
37476
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