Original subtitles

You, go on, push off. What do you think you're doing? Leave them carrot seeds

alone.

Did you hear what I said? I said leave them carrot seeds alone, because I'll

scarecrow you good and proper.

As you see, you's only teaching little birdies, whilst I is a great big

scarecrow.

So step off!

Mr. Secretary, could you come and hear for a moment, please?

Who is this?

Who do you think it is, you fool, the Queen of England?

You really are a stupid man.

Morning, sir. Can I be of assistance?

What do you make of that, Firkenshaw?

Oh, it is a whizz of a view, sir, a whizz of a view.

I'm talking about the lawn, Firkenshaw, the lawn.

What about the lawn, sir?

You're the Governor General, sir. The Queen's highest representative in the

land. You are... Other people have nice front lawns, don't they?

They certainly do, sir. Then why, as Governor General, am I unable to have

A very good question, sir.

I'll tell you why.

Every time I commission a new lawn to be sown, those confounded birds gobble up

all the grass seed.

It seems to me that unless urgent steps are taken, I shall be forever without a

nice front lawn.

And that troubles me, Firkenshaw.

And do you know why?

I wouldn't presume to guess, sir. Because a troubled governor general is

good governor general. And a bad governor general is not good for his

And a bad country, Firkenshaw, is not good.

What you mean is a scarecrow.

Exactly, sir. It's a matter of national importance, sir.

Let's not exaggerate, Firkenshaw.

dress of a scarecrow picker. The man has a good reputation.

Seek him out.

Oh, Father George, you won't disappoint me now, will you? No, sir. I can always

put certain members of my staff on scarecrow duty, you know.

Enter. Sir, allow me to introduce myself.

I am the private secretary to the governor general of this country,

and viceroy of this dominion.

My name is Perkinshaw. Here are my credentials.

Based on your good reputation, I've been instructed to seek you out.

Well, might I inquire as to how I can be of service to you and the Governor

General? The Governor General requires a scarecrow for his front lawn.

You understand this commission is a great honour.

It is indeed.

Only the finest of your scarecrows will do.

The Governor General is a troubled man, and that is bad for the country.

And that is not good. You see my point?

I shall begin work immediately.

Could you call back in, let us say, two weeks?

I'm afraid we can't wait that long.

Could you not choose one from amongst your already completed scarecrows, your

stock, so to speak?

Well, I... I shall call again in three days, Mr. Croman. Three days.

Three days.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Hear me, little bird?

Fly far.

Cross town and field and summon as you can the best scarecrows of my invention.

I'll bring thee blighty paper.

Yes, the roguish daghead.

Waffle half -brush and warty yam. Fly now without rest.

And call together this scarecrow congress.

Oh, that's me knocking off time.

I reckon I'll have me morning tea, me afternoon tea and me evening tea all

lumped together.

Oi, Russell, you want an arm wrestle?

Eh? Want an arm wrestle?

How can we ever be friends if you're always trying to contortionate me all

time? Well, that's what buddies do, that they contortionate each other.

So you know nothing, Russell Summage.

Pesky birdie. Go on, off it. Shoo.

What are you laughing at? That's all you're afraid of, birdie.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Did you hear that?

What's a scarecrow congress, Swiss old man?

I'll be from Swiss old again.

What are we waiting for?

Hang on.

That dang birdie didn't say nothing about me going to the scarecrow

Never said nothing about you not going either.

You is dumber than a side of a barn worth of gummage.

What's that you'd be saying?

Is it right now you'd be meaning?

But I was just about to have a spot of tea, I was.

Don't you go anywhere.

I'll be right back. I will.

All right, all right. I'm coming. I am, I am.

Hey, did you come from his ineffable awesomeness, Mr.

Crowbeck? Yes. All right, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Welcome.

Now, you are, of course, wondering why I have called you all here from your

posts up and down the countryside.

Well, I'm inside.

Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him I'm allergic to high.

You see what you've been doing?

You're sneezing and upset the crow, man.

Wurzel?

I'm sorry, but I had not intended that you should be present at this Congress.

Why not, Your Holiness?

Because I wanted only the best of my creations present.

But I know Wurzel, one of the bestest of your creations.

No, you are not.

You were created by my superior.

The Crow Man of the old country.

But, Mr. Crow Man... In words of... I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I must ask you to

return to your post.

Well, it ain't fair.

I'm one of the best scarecrow in the old wild world.

Stop your snivelling, fatty.

Quickly, go get some oil, all of you.

Who is it? I'm sure.

Good day, Mr. Croman. You said three days, sir.

I still hold to that.

Yes, of course.

I've got the General's concern over the collection of your finest scarecrow that

he asked me to check how things were proceeding.

Ah, so these are some of them.

Yes, that is correct.

Yes.

Yes. Oh, very fine.

Very fine.

Is this the one?

The one you're considering?

Well,

yes. Then I urge you to do so.

The governor has a penchant for the unusual.

Well, that'll be all. As I said, it's just to see how things were proceeding,

and obviously they are. Three days. Three days.

Good day.

All right.

At ease. You can relax.

Come on, get away back outside. Come on, sit.

All right.

Now, these are my final instructions.

The Governor General requires only a first -rate scarecrow for his front

So, in fairness to you all, and that includes you too, Wurzel, I shall let

contest the appointment for that position. Now, I need not tell you what

privilege it will be for the winning scarecrow to stand at his pole on the

lawn of Government House, the most respected front... blown in the southern

hemisphere. It would be a great service to Queen and country.

Begging your pardon, Mr. Croman, sir. What is it?

But do you think we'll be getting tea and cake?

Seeing as how it's such an honor, like. Do none of you scarecrows ever think

beyond tea and cakes?

Yes, gentlemen.

When there's meaty pies about.

And licorice also.

And Jimmy Tart. Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Oh, bless you.

I'm sure if there are tea and cakes about... None of you will find it

to get your hands on it.

I shall begin by calling into line the

competing scarecrows.

First we have Warty Amp.

Next, Warty Amp. Rush.

Bad Head.

Mighty Tater.

And Wurzel Head, so good.

Wurzel.

What is that you have on?

It's me running suit, sportsmanship.

Where did you get it?

I found it hanging on a clothesline, and as no one was running in it, I borrowed

it.

Take it off.

Put those old knackered twigs underneath.

Get out of it.

You should have thought of that. There'll be no running today, and make

return it. Now, first of it, I have named Stone the Crows.

Now, this event is to test your judgment and accuracy.

Sharpness of your eye and the skill of your throwing, pal.

Now, I want you to pretend that that is a crow, and you are scaring it from the

Governor General's front lawn.

Right, understood?

Begin as I say, what the air...

Dirt head.

Perhaps a trifle too eager, dirt head. My flighty tater.

Oh.

Years of rocky evening. Yes, well, thank you very much, Virgil.

Years and years of practising in all weapons. Oh, stop showing off your

old egg bucket. I could have ate it if I wanted to.

I wasn't showing off. I was just showing how it tastes. Anyway, you cannot be

the teacher, girl. It's scarecrow, can't you? Who's saying I'm not showing off?

I'll twist the armour.

I'm not showing off. I'm not showing off.

Look here, who is this?

I can't discuss matters of national importance right now. I have a crisis on

hands.

This event is to test your reliability.

And your ability to stay at your post no matter what happens, no matter what the

temptation. Now, I shall leave here soon. I shan't say for how long.

The winner, or winners, will be those who have not even for a single moment

their posts.

Oh, and by the way, here's some refreshments for later. I can rely on

that nobody touches them. Farewell.

to make a team of scarecrow sick for a week.

They look horrible anyhow.

They're the most horrible -looking cakes I ever seen.

They's bound to be bad for you and all.

Well, lucky I've been practising up on this here event.

Me willpower is as strong as steel.

Ninety -four and a half. Six hundred and ninety -three.

Ninety -two.

Ninety -three.

Yeah, perhaps it... Since you might add one of them there, cakes wouldn't come

so hard.

Here, get away from them cakes. The crewman said to let them be.

Yeah, well, the crewman don't know how to hurt them, do they?

True. Here, save some of that for me.

I hate to say the results of the reliability event are all too obvious.

has proved many of my worst suspicions correct.

Namely, that I have as yet almost completely failed to create a scarecrow

could resist the temptations of food.

However, we must progress to the next event.

And appropriately enough, none of you need move a straw. This is an

To rate you.

And your hygiene and your cleanliness of habits.

The Governor General does not want a mucky scarecrow on his pride lawn. No,

indeed.

Now I shall conduct a pocket inspection.

What is it? Smell, Blighty Taser.

What smell, sir?

I don't smell anything.

It's worth so much.

No, it isn't. It isn't.

It isn't. It isn't. It isn't.

It isn't. It isn't. It isn't. It isn't.

It isn't. It isn't.

It isn't.

Here's Wattle Halfbrush.

There's no fear. She's you and that's all.

Yeah, and she ain't been standing out in all weather. It's like we're weird. If

she had, she'd be dirty and know what we is. Yeah, I will have no poor

sportsmanship. Right.

I will see you all at your posts tomorrow morning.

Faggot, Sean.

I'm out of aspirin. Go out for some more, would you?

Certainly, sir.

Any news of my scarecrow?

What do you should ask, sir?

Because there isn't any.

Then why is that, Father?

Because you ask me every ten minutes, sir.

Do I?

Yes, sir.

Just get me some more aspirin, would you?

Very well, sir.

Good morning.

This is the final test, and the most telling one of all.

It shall test your ability to actually scare birds.

Now, I shall observe the...

of your efforts from existence, then I shall make my decision as to which one

you shall win the position of scarecrow to the Governor General's Lord.

Farewell, and good luck.

Here, Waddle.

What? As soon as I have won the last 11 to 2 events, how about letting poor old

Wurzel have a chance of winning for a change?

What? I said, as soon as I have won the last 11 to 2 events, how about letting

poor old Wurzel have a chance of winning for a change?

What? You daft ape. I said, as soon as I have won... No.

Huh? No.

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

Because while you've been asking me to let you win an event, them birds have

been eating your bird seed.

All events considered, I find the winner to be Wattle Heartbrush.

Well, fortunate appointee.

The Governor General's front lawn.

Is anything the matter, Watto?

No, Mr. Crowman.

You do want the appointment, don't you?

Thank you for coming at such short notice. I wouldn't have missed it for

Dominion.

Delighted to meet you at last.

The honour is mine.

You've chosen the scarecrow?

Yes. Show it to me. I've been keenly awaiting this moment.

My lawn is in ruins.

Oh, this is the one.

Oh, dear.

Is there some problem?

There does seem so.

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but is this not a female scarecrow? It is.

Then, as I found, it is impossible. I cannot use it.

Kindly show me something else. You cannot accept this one.

If I had known there was such a thing as a female scarecrow, I would have told

you that... The 1856 Grand Staff Security Act first states that all

a government house must be male.

Oh, but surely in this day and age... Even statues.

Archaic, I know, but there it is.

The statute is enshrined in a law empowered by an act of parliament.

I'm sorry, I cannot be seen to be breaking the law.

Surely you can offer me something else. I've made my offer.

The scarecrow has proved itself.

Then you are forcing my hand.

I am defending the honor of my craft.

You have disappointed me, but I respect your decision.

I am sorry also.

Mr. Secretary, after you.

They didn't take me, Mr. Crowman, sir.

You had no option, Wattle.

Hey, so you ain't the best scarecrow after all.

I'd just as soon stay here anyhow instead of come up with these front

I bet you don't even have a swamp.

Your tea, sir.

Thank you.

Why not take some of the fur control down on the front lawn?

Do you?