Original subtitles

When a scarecrow stoops to filching the very crops It is its duty to guard.

One wonders what has happened to the world.

One does indeed.

Still, there may be more to this than meets the eye.

One must wait and see.

Rooney! Rooney!

Would you want some, Mr. Richards?

Yeah. Where'd you put that sheep dip, Rooney?

What sheep dip's that, Mr. Richards?

You know what sheep dip. The drum of sheep dip concentrate I asked you to get

out half an hour ago.

Oh, that sheep dip. I'm just on my way to fetch it. Yeah, we'll get a move on.

Well, because you're a casual labourer doesn't mean to say you can be so

downright bloomin' casual.

How much longer do you reckon you'll be burning? Oh, not long now, boss. Tree's

bringing the rest over on the truck.

Yeah, well, as long as he doesn't take all day.

Very nice, too.

I'll be back. Some more of you that place later.

Rooney?

Rooney? Here I am, Your Honour.

I can see where you are, Rooney.

It's not your carcass I want to feast my eyes on.

Where's my flaming sheep tip?

It's over... I fetched it out and put it down there myself, Your Honour. Well,

it's not there now, Rooney.

Somebody's pinched it.

Now, listen.

Do us both a favour, Rooney. Get your act together.

Fetch me a drum of sheep tip now!

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Pinched it.

What sort of idiot would want to pinch a drum of sheep tip?

She's a poor aunt.

It ain't the best sheep to live with, but rather, it ain't the worst as

Now then, what we got here?

Next,

I will beat you to it.

Onion.

Whoa, whoa.

Chinese turnip.

Wouldn't there be something else?

Where did they put them dang dapplies?

Aha, there you is.

You dang bum swizzle dapply box.

Let go of my hand.

I'll be flood -polluted.

That's handy.

Dang, stupid Applies.

You should be on Applie trees.

Yeah, if you was on Applie trees, old Wurzel wouldn't have to clamber up a

ladder to get at you.

Ow!

All right, you Applies. I'm coming to get you.

Hey!

Well, string me up a dog, Tucker.

What do you think you're doing? Me, huh? I was making up a decider. That's what

I'm doing, see? You half -wit.

Those are my fries. Cops is orange. They ain't oranges.

They's apples.

Come back here.

I'll give you something to think about.

I've already got something to think about.

I'm thinking about that stick you're holding in your hand. Come on, get out

the way, you girl. Come on. Out of the way. Move, move, move.

Go on, then. Clear off.

But if I ever catch you back here again, I'll give you, what, four?

One -four, five -four, one -four.

Bah!

Bah!

Bah, Wellington Goose. There are more sheepses in New Zealand than there is

rooks in Tenaka Field.

Yes, Virgil, and to what particular honour do we owe your presence here this

morning?

If you please, Your Honour, one of me hands has dropped off.

Does not please me at all, Wurzel.

Dropped off, you say?

That's right, Mr. Crowman, sir.

Dropped right off at the rink while I was out at work.

And there was this great crow, your gullibility, sweeping and diving down at

them poor little sheeps this 50 bucks. So I was waving me arms up and down and

flapping me hands, and you'd never believe what happened. All right, all

Wurzel, that's more than sufficient. Now, did you bring the mission hand

with you?

Yes, indeed, Your Majestic, yes.

Where do you suppose this label came from, Wurzel?

Label, your detectiveness?

Label, Wurzel.

From Richard's orchard. All right, I know where it come from, Mr.

Cromancer. Unless some little birdie perched it there when I weren't looking.

Cheeky things, them sparrows.

There.

I've fitted your new mitten, Wurzel. How does it feel?

I'm very empty of making menmanship.

My, my, my.

That's a rare old music box thing you've got there, Mr. Crowman. Pay attention,

Wurzel. How's the hand?

Particularly agile, your surgical ship, yes.

And a nice new glove to go with it and all.

You know, I reckon that a scarecrow could do a rare bit of crow scaring if

had one of them music box things to keep him company in his lonely field.

Very probably, Wurzel.

We're not going to find that out, are we? Never mind.

We've both of us got work to do. That we have, Your Magnificence. Very important

work and all. Exactly. You must get back to your crow, Skerry, and I must get

your new cousin delivered to Farmer Cooharry out in Peowocka -Wocka. Ain't

going to play one more tune on that there music box thing of yours, Mr.

before you go?

No, Wurzel.

You've wasted enough of my time this morning as it is. Now, off you go.

Well, not even I'll put you in your musicality.

It's worth it.

Tune in, Mr. Crowman, sir.

Oh, my, my, my, will you look at that. All fixed up and good as new, eh?

To be on the safe side, I should put it under lock and key.

No, he wouldn't dare.

Wouldn't you be under ordinary circumstances, Mr. Crowman, sir?

But I have to borrow it, you see. And I need it for a very special...

Begging your pardon, Your Magnificence, but I know as it weren't a right, proper

and seemly thing to pinch... Excuse me, to borrow the other magnificence's music

-frock machine, nor his weedy thing.

But I had to do it, Your World, didn't I? Or it wouldn't have been a right,

proper and splendid tribulation either.

We guessed that it was you.

Hey, that's the crime man's gramophone. He's next.

Borrowed, Mr Clever Cogs, borrowed.

What is it, Weasel?

Is there going to be a party?

That's for me to know.

And you titty -nosy parkers to find out.

I bet it's going to be a birthday party. Here's a birthday every month.

Well, it ain't going to be a birthday party to there.

When I doesn't have a birthday every month, I don't have as many as that.

I has them once a fortnight, no more and no less.

And that's because I's a scarecrow.

And scarecrows does have more than humans.

And that's because Scarecrow's arms and legs and head and that gets born at

different times. Well, if it isn't a birthday party, why have you hung up all

these decorations?

Because it's a birthday celebration, that's why.

He means celebration.

Well, that's what I said, didn't I?

Celebration. Anyway, time to party.

It's going to be tea time.

What? A tea dance?

Yeah. A slice of cake and a cup of tea dance. And all my friends will be there.

Because on account of it being my birthday, see, and all the pretty ladies

be fighting over who's going to be my partner.

And they'll all bring me presents.

All? All who?

Don't ask me. There's nobody here but him and us. Yeah, and there'll be nobody

except me in half a minute.

So you three can push off.

Anyway, tea dances ain't for titties.

Titties is too small to dance with. So go on, buzz off. Don't worry. We're

going. We will... I didn't want to come to your silly tea dance anyway. Not to

eat dirty, smelly vegetables or drink sheep dip.

We'll have our own party with real cream cakes and custard tarts. Come on, Manu,

we'll have a picture. Here, hang on a minute. Did you say real cream cakes and

custard tarts? Yes.

Well, I does dance with Titchy sometimes.

There's a special dance that I made up for an occasion just like this. It's

called Get Down on Your Knees, Excuse Me, especially for Titchy.

I'll show you.

All

right,

then, sling your hooks. See if I care.

Oh, well, so what? We short no dancing, partner.

Let this tea dance get pricky.

Yeah, that's finished.

That's number one.

Now for the tea dance.

All I need now is for Aunt Sally to come knocking at that door to make this the

best tea dance in the whole wild world.

Come in, Aunt Sally.

Your handsome intended awaits you.

Where's your... Borrowed, Your Honour.

Borrowed just for the afternoon.

As seen as I was a speckled occasion.

Special occasion or not, this is coming home with me.

But it's for me birthday celebrations, Your Pomposity.

And it wasn't good of having birthday celebrations if there ain't no music.

like having tea without cake.

But you've already had two birthday parties this month.

And that's why I'm having another one, Your Honour, to make it an even number.

And who do you think will be coming to this party of yours?

Eh?

Well, all me friends.

Friends?

Who, for instance?

Parsnip Franz. You know very well I had to put him down last summer when his

head burst into flour.

Moshikumira.

perished in the Black September Fungi Blight.

What about my old friend Soggy Boggart? Soggy Boggart is 12 ,000 miles away in

the old country.

Who is he?

Is that very far, your holiness?

Well, if you took all the scarecrow poles in the world and laid them end to

it would not cover half the distance.

Certainly it is too far to come for a tea dance.

But it's always me, Aunt Sally.

Why would a lady of her quality want to come and eat sheep dip and dirty

potatoes? Because there's new potatoes, extra tasty.

There ain't nothing so good as new potatoes and sheep's dip sauce.

Anyway, she'll have to come.

She's my intended.

I hate to say this, Wurzel, but I think you could be in for a big

disappointment. How's that, your despondency?

I don't believe anyone will be coming to your party.

Why not, Your Holiness?

Well, to put it bluntly, Wurzel, you're not the most popular person hereabouts.

Popsular?

He's very popsular, Mr Cromack.

Oh, Wurzel's got more popsular than he knows what to do with.

But you have no friends, Wurzel. I have two.

No genuine friends.

To have genuine friends, one must be kind, generous, thoughtful and honest.

Why all of those things, you magnificent?

No, Wurzel, you are not.

You are mean, selfish, thoughtless and dishonest.

And you are also very dirty.

And that is why you have no friends.

And that is why no one will come to your party.

However, far be it from me to put a damper on your birthday festivities.

I will let you keep the gramophone for tonight, but you must promise me to look

after my records.

I will, Mr. Cromancer. You can rely on me. I can't rely on you for anything,

Wurzel Gummidge, as you very well know.

Just be sure to return my gramophone in the morning.

So a Wurzel ain't got no friends, eh?

I'd known it was going to end up like this.

I'd have worn me miserable, Ed, if I had one.

What are you staring at?

Nothing. Yes, you are. No, we're not.

Yes, you are. You've been spying on me.

You've been whispering and sniggering at poor old Wurzel behind his back.

No, we haven't. Yes, you have.

You've been making fun of me because no one's turned up to me teadog.

Tough cheese.

We would have come, but we weren't invited.

Well, that's on account of you being so titchy.

But seeing as how you're both here, you may as well come in and join the fun.

What fun? It doesn't look like much fun to me.

Well, that's where you're wrong, see? You can have all the fun you like at a

dance.

Here, you see what I got here?

Look at this.

Christmas cake.

Christmas was seven months ago.

What's that green stuff on top of it?

Ice cream. No, it's not. It's mould.

Green mould.

That's right.

Green mold icing.

Nice and furry.

Sticks to your teeth.

But the best thing of all is this here music box thing.

You teachers have a listen to this.

It's not supposed to sound like that.

I'll give it a bit of a push.

Not enough to laugh like this.

Let's dance.

I can't dance. I haven't got my dancing head on.

You don't need a dancing head. Come on.

I wasn't expecting to see you for a bit.

I trust you're treating my gramophone properly.

Oh, yes, in generosity.

I was just warming it up with a little bit of a birthday tea dance.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Now, Wurzel, about your birthday.

On reflection, I feel I've been a bit hard on you.

As a gesture of goodwill, I've brought you a present.

A present?

For me?

Did you hear that, Titchy? Old Wurzel's getting a birthday present after all.

A crow man?

It's a little birdie.

I'll just pop him into my straw so he can get his bearings.

What is it? A shining cookie?

I would have liked to have given you a robin, but they don't live in this part

of the world.

However, I'm sure you'll like that little shining cuckoo, and it'll keep

insects out of your straw.

I've noticed a colony of rather unpleasant black beetles has taken a

your stuffing.

A little shiny cuckoo to keep the creepy crawlies out of me, innit?

Thank you very much indeed, Mr. Croman, sir. I reckon this year's birthday

present is the finest birthday present I've ever had.

Here you are, sisters.

What about that, Natalie? Ain't this a birthday worth remembering?

But no one's turned up.

Yes, well, I was coming to that.

As it happens, the Piwaka Waka Sheriffs and Shepherds Social Club is stuck for

somewhere to hold their annual barn dance, and I've taken the liberty of

they could have it here.

Have it here?

Yes. I'm begging your pardon, Your Honour, but... Might an humble scarecrow

asking when it's likely to arrive?

Well, right now.

What are you three doing up?

Nothing.

Well, how about giving poor old Wurzel a bite of that there sausage sandwich?

Why? Didn't you get anything to eat? No, I didn't. I've been pushing and shoving

and grabbing and I still didn't get nothing.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

How about swapping a bit of this here yummy Christmas cake for a bite of that

there sausage sandwich?

We've got something much better.

What?

Hello, Ben.

I thought I'd find you three down here.

Here. How about giving me one of them there creamy cakes like what you

me? You don't want that. We've prepared your official picnic.

It's in the basket.

Moldy old Christmas cake, raw potatoes, dirty carrots, and sheep soup.

Yeah, well, thank you very much.

In other words, don't wish to seem ungrateful.

If it's all the same to you... I'd rather have a sticky bun or three, or a

without their lemonade.

We haven't got enough to share. It's either that or nothing.

Ah!

Creamy cakes, custard tarts, and lemonade too.

Dang me if you knew I'd been pulling all words all day.

That's just to show that you have got cream.

Lots more than you think.