Original subtitles

-Welcome back to "Jaws" rip-off...

I mean, Ecological Horror Night at "The Last Drive-In."

And I don't know about you, Darcy,

but the next movie that we're going to show

is sort of what film with a capital "F" is all about,

wouldn't you say so?

-You mean "F" for fucked up?

-No! I mean,

like, every film student should study this film in detail.

It should be explicated and deconstructed

and dissected for its groundbreaking use

of narrative structure, its stunning visuals,

its philosophical exploration of human existence,

its search for meaning in a multicultural,

futuristic world that is nevertheless subject

to the depredations of prehistoric appetites.

-Did I get mixed up about what we're showing tonight?

-You know what we're showing tonight, Darcy?

-I hope so.

-I sent out postcards last week.

-Postcards? -Yes.

I sent out postcards to the 40 largest film schools

in the nation, letting them know that on this night,

we would be celebrating the 47th annivers...

Well, actually, it might be the 46th anniversary

if you classify it as a Thai film instead of a Korean film.

-Have we ever seen a Thai film before?

-No.

-Maybe there's a reason for that.

-I hope you don't intend that

as a disparagement of the Bangkok film industry, Darcy.

They have been known to produce films

that are circulated in private theaters around the world.

-Because they depict "around the world"?

-Sometimes.

Nevertheless, I let the world of cinema know that on this 46th,

well, we're showing the 1981 United States release,

so it might be the 44th anniversary,

although unfortunately,

we don't have the opening scene of the Dick Randall version,

Dick Randall being, of course,

the producer of the immortal "Pieces,"

which included two topless beach babes eaten alive

by a giant creature.

But if that is your version of this classic,

then it's the 43rd anniversary.

But, you see, that's the beauty of "Crocodile."

Yes, "Crocodile" is our second feature tonight.

"Crocodile," the movie that could be said

to have been conceived,

written, photographed, edited, distributed,

edited again, edited again, edited again,

edited yet again in a dream world

of Asian fantasy brainstorming.

The beauty of "Crocodile" is that there are many crocodiles.

It's like the movie itself is a palimpsest.

-It's a what?

-A palimpsest. -Okay.

-One of those manuscripts

that has many layers because they're written

over the same parchment time and time again.

So, a palimpsest of present

and past overlapping visions of Asian horror.

There's the crocodile on the screen.

There's the crocodile in the special-effects lab.

But most important, there's the crocodile in your heart,

your own private crocodile. -Shut up!

-A place where your guiltiest vestigial organ holds court.

-I quit, I frickin' quit. I just quit.

-Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen!

Here to guide us

and titillate us and bring wisdom and hijinks...

-"Crocodile"!

-...through the process of drive-in-film criticism.

You can email her. You can DM her.

You can Insta-friend her.

There are many things you can do to her,

but you can't fool her

when it comes to giant crocodile movies.

She's the authority on gigantic carnivorous vertebrates

rampaging through tangled swamps.

-Am I? -Of course you are!

-Okay.

-And that's why I need you tonight.

-We're talking about the same movie, right?

-You will laugh. You'll cry. You'll cry crocodile tears.

You'll salute the beast.

Yes, I'm talking about "Crocodile."

-"Crocodile"! I feel you've gone mad, sir.

-Mad for amphibians, yes, I have.

Are you ready to pull on some party boots

and saddle up for this?

-Oh, I got em, baby. Let's go. -All right.

What we have here is "Crocodile,"

also known as "Crocodile Fangs,"

also known as "Horror of the Crocodile,"

the sensitive story of Tony Akom,

an overworked doctor

who doesn't have time for his wife and daughter.

So, he gets guilted into a seaside vacation

with his friend John, who is also a doctor

and who is engaged to the sister of Tony's wife.

Since all three women look great in bikinis,

they're having a blast frolicking on the beach

until, unfortunately, a giant crocodile

swims up and eats the wife, the fiancée,

and even the teenage girl,

basically wiping out the entire female cast.

And Tony feels so much guilt

that he decides to go full Roy Scheider

and hunt down the slimy super beast with John

and a fisherman named Tanaka.

So the three of them go trolling around the ocean on a trawler,

baiting giant hooks, tossing out barrels of chemical bait

until a journalist canoes up and demands to be in the movie

because he's one of the producers.

And pretty soon we got a showdown with the giant croc.

Sure, we've seen it before.

We've actually seen it many times before,

but have we seen it with graphic

on-screen water buffalo consumption?

I think not!

So, let's take a look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have 43 dead bodies, 2 dead crocodiles,

1 dead water buffalo, 4 breasts, 3 whangdoodles,

6 bewtocks, 1 beast,

one atomic-powered hurricane with flaming palm trees,

death by sudden sinkhole, death by giant waves,

death by giant crocodile, crocodile POV,

sweaty aardvarking,

one crocodile-expert consultation,

one crocodile research montage,

one wings-of-an-eagle tattoo,

one completely ineffective steel crocodile trap,

crocodile attack mapping,

Thai village destruction,

with bamboo crushing,

arms roll, legs roll,

gratuitous underwater footage of the coral reef,

gratuitous crocodile show for the tourists,

with gratuitous animal cruelty.

Yes, Darcy, I know. Why do they do this?

-Gratuitous. -It's an Asian thing.

Crocodile tail fu,

explosive harpoon fu.

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Min Oo

as Tony's friend John, for joining the croc hunt

and for saying, "I only knew it was her

because of the engagement ring on her finger."

Robert Chan Law-Bat as journalist Pete

for going the extra mile for a story

and for saying, "You guys are headline material."

Nard Poowanai as Dr. Tony Akom for going full "Jaws"

and for saying, "You may not believe me, gentlemen,

but it's a giant crocodile."

And Sompote Sands,

Kazuo Sagawa, and Dick Randall were being listed

as the director of various versions of the movie,

and Won-se Lee, who actually directed it.

Four stars. Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

-Did you really give this movie four stars?

-Hear me out, Darcy.

By the time this episode is over,

you and everyone else who's watching

will realize what a classic of world cinema

we have on our hands.

-Didn't they shoot part of this movie with bathtub toys?

-To a child, it's a bathtub toy.

In the hands of a master filmmaker,

it's subliminal imagery evoking the mysteries

of the oceanic depths.

-Where did you go between movies?

-Why do you ask that?

-You didn't happen to consume anything out of my bag, did you?

-What do you mean? -You know, oceanic depths.

-Yes. -Just saying.

-Oceanic depths. -Oceanic.

-From the very beginning,

man has been trying to destroy nature.

Perhaps one day he may succeed.

But, then again, on that day, nature may rebel.

And this could happen.

-Winds have changed! -Hang on.

Ah!

-Aah!

-Aah!

-Aah!

-They're probably still at the hospital working.

It'll give you a chance to freshen up before dinner

and look nice for your future husband.

Oh!

-Put the luggage in the guest room.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Ahh!

-Yes, I caught it on the 6:00 news.

Quite a hurricane.

Practically destroyed the island.

-Mm. Oh, thank you.

Yes, I understand it just missed us, thank God.

-Do you think there's any truth to it having been caused

by that atomic explosion? -Oh, that's possible.

Anything's possible in this day and age.

-Here, Linda. Try this. -Oh. Thank you.

-I made it. Tony?

Thanks for inviting me here.

-Don't be silly. It's our pleasure.

Besides, I'm the best man, don't forget.

Next, month and you'll be an old, married couple.

-Why don't we all go to Pattaya, huh?

We can stay the weekend there. That is,

if you can manage to get a weekend off from the hospital.

-Yeah, I think I can manage that.

They'll have to know where I'm at.

-Just wait, Linda.

You'll see what it's like to be married to a doctor.

They are married to their work.

-It's our duty. We have an obligation.

-Does that mean neglecting your family?

-Now, wait a minute. I've never neglected you.

Oh.

-All right, now.

There's no need to start World War III.

Sit down, honey. It's probably the hospital.

I'll get it. -Oh, dear.

Can't you stay home one night without the hospital calling?

-Angela, I'm a doctor. It's my job.

Don't make it any harder.

-He wants to go. I'm sorry, Linda. Forgive me,

but he hasn't been home one night this week.

-I'll come as quick as I can. Right.

-Sorry, I must go. -I'll come with you.

No, you stay.

-Come on. Hurry up, hurry up!

Get those stretchers into emergency. You too.

Wait! I'll take this one.

That's 15 patients in the last hour.

-Dr. Akom, telephone.

-Hello? Oh, hello, darling.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, honey, but you know how it is.

Worse, we're getting the overload patients

on that hurricane disaster.

Look, you set up the weekend,

and I'll be home as soon as I can, all right?

Good.

-Aah!

Aaahhh! Aah!

Gotcha!

Ann, come and eat.

You can play again all day tomorrow.

Oh!

Okay, Angela, we'll be right in.

-That was fun. -Let's eat now, okay?

-Okay.

-Daddy! Daddy, can I have a new bathing suit?

-Well, now, my lovely, little sparrow.

I think we can arrange that.

Let's get you ready for bed, huh?

Lift up your arms.

Now for your trousers.

-Ahh! Mwah!

-Do you want some more oil?

-Thank you, my love.

-Look! Ahh-aah!

-Isn't it beautiful?

-Would you do, my darling? On my shoulders?

-Oh!

-Be careful. I'm a little bit red.

Oh! Oh!

Stop it! Oh! That hurts.

-Sorry. Do you want some more?

-Yes, darling.

-Where do you want it?

-Right there. Aah! Oh! Hold it!

-Hold it!

-Oh!

Oh, there's Daddy. See?

Hi!

-Hi, Linda. -Oh!

-My God! Linda! -Oh!

-Tony! Tony! Come quickly. It's Linda.

She's drowning. Tony! Tony, hurry!

Help! Help!

It's Linda. Hurry, Tony, hurry!

She's drowning! She's... Oh!

-That's my little girl.

Oh! Go on and eat. Ah!

Would you like some of that?

-No, thank you. -All right, dear.

-Would you like some?

-Well, if I'm gonna eat it, Ann is, too.

-But I want to go swimming after.

-That's why you're not eating.

Ann?

Ann?

Ann?!

Ann?!

Ann?

Aah!

Ann?

Ann?

Aah!

No!

No!

-Linda!

Linda!

Oh! Oh!

-No, sir.

-Well, I want you to keep at it. Keep searching.

I want you to know the minute you find anything,

anything at all.

-You understand? -Yes, sir.

-Don't look.

Dr. Stromm, may we have a few words with you?

Dr. Stromm, do you think your wife was eaten by a shark?

-Look this way, Doctor.

-Would you care to make any statement at all, Dr. Stromm?

Hi, Daddy.

Don't forget to buy me the new bathing suit.

I want a white one. Okay, Daddy? Please, Daddy.

Huh?

Could I also have a plastic life preserver?

I almost know how to swim,

but it would help me to learn faster.

And then you wouldn't have to be afraid of me

going in the water alone.

Thank you, Daddy. I love you, Daddy.

-Oh!

Aah!

-I've spoken to the police.

They've only found the remains of Linda.

Oh, God! Only knew it was her

because of the engagement ring on her finger.

They don't think it was a shark.

-What do they think it was?

-They don't know.

Newspapers think it's some kind of monster.

-The agony of Tony, the bereaved medical professional,

turns this movie into a character study

that benefits from being filmed in Thailand,

which is a nation

that apparently has only one hospital.

The tsunami patients are taken there.

A fisherwoman is swallowed whole by the crocodile

and is taken there.

Well, I guess there was nothing left of her.

So, the other victims were taken there.

Everybody who subsequently gets injured

or maimed will be taken there with sirens blaring.

Darcy, let's commission a drinking game.

Whenever an ambulance turns on its siren

and pulls into the only hospital in Thailand,

let's do a shot.

Let's do that -- put that on social media.

-Okay, that is one way to get through this movie.

That's for sure.

A shot of what exactly?

-Mekong spirit, the national drink of Thailand.

That's what we should all drink.

-I feel not everyone's going to have that at home.

What is that, though?

-Well, it's kind of a rum whiskey.

Lots of sugar in it.

But, Darcy,

you continue to underestimate the importance of "Crocodile."

How about that opening?

"From the very beginning,

man has been trying to destroy nature.

But nature may rebel.

And this could happen."

-And then there's a big, old storm.

-Well, it wasn't just a storm, Darcy.

We had fire. We had flood. We had trees uprooted.

We had houses collapsing. We had lightning bolts.

We had collapsing mountains!

We had lots of slithering reptiles waiting

at the edges of those great craters in the earth,

where whirlpools of water spiral out of the ocean.

And that wasn't just disaster-film footage.

Actually, it was disaster-film footage.

It was from the earlier film "Pandin Wippayoke."

Translation roughly, "Land of Grief."

I'm surprised they thought they could get away with reusing it,

because "Pandin Wippayoke" the greatest movie

ever made about water buffalo wrestling.

But, anyway...

-Of course, what were they even thinking?

-But it wasn't just a weather event.

It was all weather events --

tsunami, earthquake, tornado, croc-nado.

And it was caused by atomic testing in the Pacific.

And so, duh! Yes, nature is rebelling.

-Okay, but what does that have to do with the giant crocodile?

-Remember the first time we see the giant croc?

-I do not.

-All we see is the eye.

And what is the eye watching?

-The close-up camera.

-No! The croc is watching a flock of ducks,

but he ignores those ducks.

Why doesn't he eat the ducks?

Because he's a mutated species.

He has a hankering for more.

He doesn't want to fill up on junk food.

He wants raw fisherwoman.

And after he eats the fisherwoman,

we see a different eye.

We see the eye of satisfaction.

We see the terrifying eye of a voracious creation of twisted,

unnatural genetic decoding.

-You got all that from two close-ups of his eye?

-Well, yes.

And the crocodile POV underwater close-up of Linda's crotch,

because he is laser-focused on that crotch.

And even though she's spandex aware,

she has no... what I would call crocodile toe.

You know, the crocodile may in fact be searching for that

as he comes within six inches of her crotch,

but she's completely unaware of what I have to assume

to be a crocodile

that's at least as large as an office building.

Or is it?

-Oh, my gosh.

-The crocodile seems to actually have the ability

to change size depending on its prey and its relative ferocity

at any given time.

The crocodile has minimized itself in order

to eat Linda from the crotch upward.

-So, are you saying it's a supernatural crocodile?

-It's a mutated crocodile with the instinctual ability

to alter its appearance depending on its appetite.

But that's because the entire movie is

a group-art-house creature fantasy.

There are actually six different versions of "Crocodile,"

because it was passed from artist to artist,

country to country,

as different interpretations of its crocodilian theme

were explored and expanded.

-Did you just use the word "art house"?

Are you saying this is an art film?

-Sure, sure. It's an art film.

Because what other explanation do you have

for the incest subplot?

-The incest subplot?

-Did you see the way Tony undresses his daughter for bed?

It's just the two of them, that bedtime kiss,

and then the next morning massages

the suntan oil onto her back.

And when he goes crazy

and starts sobbing in that scene we just watched,

is he mourning his wife that he had hot,

sweaty sex with that morning?

No, he is not.

He's fixated on the daughter alone.

Angela and Linda kind of disappear from the plot

at this point, and it's like "incestus interruptus."

His grooming was abbreviated by a crocodile.

-Okay, so that scene was kind of strange.

-It's art-film stuff. Back to the movie.

-Are you going to give out

any actual information about the movie?

-Well...sweaty-sex Angela

is played by Ni Tien, also known as Tien Ni,

also known as Tany Tim.

Widely known in Hong Kong simply as Tany,

the star of "Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold"

and "Corpse Mania," dozens of movies

for the famous Shaw Brothers Studio in Hong Kong.

Chinese actress hired to --

she was hired for this to wear a bikini,

have sex, nag Tony, and die. So, mission accomplished.

See, that's another beautiful thing about "Crocodile," though.

They pulled a "Psycho," didn't they?

You go, "Hey, that's Tany from 'Corpse Mania.'

They won't let her die."

And then whammo!

First act, she's croc meat, upsetting audience expectations.

And then her husband can't grieve for her

because he's dreaming of what might have been

with their daughter.

So many levels of psychological horror.

-Sometimes I can't tell if you're serious.

-It's "Crocodile," Darcy. It's the Asian "Citizen Kane."

-This is ridiculous. -Okay. You're right.

It's more like the Asian "Seventh Seal," because it's got

that Bergmanesque chess game with death.

-Can you please just stop this now?

-Okay. -Thank you.

-Please accept this letter as my resignation.

At present,

I cannot properly devote myself to my duties as a doctor.

I will, as you so kindly offered,

avail myself of the facilities of the hospital.

And by which means I pray

I may stop the death and destruction

being caused by the creature responsible

for my family's death.

Regretfully, Dr. Anthony Akom.

-Oh, easy.

-What's that?!

-It's a hand.

-Huh?! -Oh.

-I'd say it's just a case of overworking, Dr. Akom,

plus, the emotional strain you've been under.

Hmm.

If you're still having trouble in a couple of weeks,

drop in and see me.

You all right, Doctor?

-Yeah. Okay.

Read this.

"Early this morning, a local fisherman, Tanaka Lujan,

claimed he saw a giant crocodile in the sea."

-I know I'm right, John.

I've examined those pieces of anatomy over and over.

I'm convinced it was the work of a giant crocodile.

-A crocodile in the sea?

-I read an article in the paper yesterday

about a local fisherman

who claims he saw a giant crocodile in the sea.

Fisherman's name is Tanaka Lujan.

I'd like you to get a hold of him for me.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with an expert on reptiles,

Professor Lowes.

Well, Dr. Akom, what information may I offer you?

Anything to do with reptiles, you got my interest.

Let me see now.

You mentioned something about a crocodile.

Tell me. What is it you want to know?

If I can help you, I will.

-Well, sir, can a crocodile...

Can he live in the sea?

-Hmm.

That's a very interesting thought.

-Aah!

Aah!

-Have your men check all the way down the coast.

-...doing all these killings,

or do you think perhaps there's more than one, sir?

-What kind of species is it, Inspector?

Do you have any idea?

-Do you think the killer might be human, Inspector? Huh?

-And get snipers on those cliffs.

-Dr. Lowes read that article about the fisherman,

and he agrees with me.

-That a crocodile can live in the sea?

-Uh-huh.

-If you're right, how are we going to get it?

-I don't know, but I am working on it.

By the way, John, did you get a hold of Tanaka?

No, not yet, but I will.

Are you thinking of using his boat?

-Why not, if he's willing.

-From the article, he seemed like quite a guy.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-Tony. Hey, Tony. You all right?

-Yeah, I just feel dizzy.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, Daddy. I love you, Daddy.

-Come on, John. Let's go.

I know now what we're up against.

-You know who the killer is?! Tell us!

-Tell us! -Yeah, who?

-You may not believe me, gentlemen,

but it's a...a giant crocodile.

-A giant crocodile? -Incredible, yes, but true!

-You all right, Doctor?

-Perhaps you've been working too hard.

-I'm all right!

Go on, get out, all of you!

All right, all right.

-Get out! -All right, all right.

-Come on. -Go on!

-He lives right on the beach. That's why it took me so long to find him.

Oh, I saw his boat. It looks quite sturdy.

Well, he should be here any minute.

The rain's probably holding him up.

Come inside, Mr. Lujan. Do not worry about my floor.

Please, be seated.

-Your associate, Dr. Stromm, has put forth your proposition.

After thinking it over carefully, Doctor,

I've decided to place myself and my ship at your disposal.

-Great! Thank you, Tanaka.

-Now there are three of us.

We'll get that crocodile if it's the last thing we do!

-Huh?

-Well, when do we go after it, Tony?

-It won't be long.

We must be patient.

-To my father.

-What is that?

-It is a sign of protection against evil.

It has been worn by my family for generations.

There's an old legend which says

that one day a monster will arise from the sea

to encounter the wings of an eagle.

It is the wings of an eagle I proudly wear on my chest.

I believe the legend is about to come true.

I pray the results will not be the death of us.

-"There is an old legend which says

that one day a monster will arise from the sea

to encounter the wings of an eagle.

It is the wings of an eagle I proudly wear on my chest.

I believe the legend is about to come true."

I have goosebumps every time I hear that.

-Now admit it, Darcy.

That is a brilliant symbolic moment with the hardy man

of the sea, Tanaka, revealing his chest tattoo,

beckoning the creature of ye olde legend.

-Why are you talking like that?

-I can see you're still not swept up

into the artistry of "Crocodile."

-All right, it's coming up to that scene

that bugs the heck out of me.

-Okay, I was going to mention that.

-You have to mention it.

-The movie got an unacceptable rating

from the American Humane Association

when it was released in the United States in 1981.

But wait, before we do that,

I think I need to go through the various versions of "Crocodile"

so that we can appreciate the millions of man hours

needed to create this masterpiece.

-We don't need to do that.

-We need that. -No, we don't.

-The magic starts in 1978,

when a Korean director named Won-se Lee

took a crew to Thailand to make a film called "Crocodile Fangs,"

much longer than the film we're watching,

mostly due to additional scenes showing

Dr. Tony Akom agonizing over the loss of his daughter,

going insane, and vowing Ahab-like revenge.

That's Nard Poowanai, by the way, as Dr. Tony Akom,

and he was just tearing it up in the '70s

ever since his debut in "Hands of Death,"

also known as "King Boxer," which was, of course,

the movie that answers the question which is more lethal,

kung fu or karate?

But when Won-se Lee got to Bangkok with his Korean crew --

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Which one was more lethal?

-Thai kickboxing, of course -- Muay Thai.

-Ah! So, is that kung fu or karate?

-Neither one! Neither one. See, that's...

That's the beauty of asking that question in Thailand.

So when Won-se Lee got to Bangkok with his Korean crew,

he employed Sompote Sands to do his special effects.

Sompote's real name was Sompote Saengduenchai,

and he had interned at Toho Studios

as a young man working under Akira Kurosawa

and the special-effects master Eiji Tsuburaya,

who invented the "Ultraman" movies.

That was extraterrestrial superheroes

who fight against the monsters.

Is that about sum that up, Darcy?

-Are you asking me to sum up what "Ultraman" is?

-Yeah. I figured you would know all about the lore.

-Uh, it's a Japanese multiverse.

There's a whole bunch of Ultramen.

He's an alien who merges with a human

and fights giant monsters.

-Okay, I think Marvel bought the franchise or something?

So, he was the assistant to Eiji Tsuburaya, the "Ultraman" dude.

And after Eiji died, Sompote --

I'm going to call them by their first names because it's easier.

Sompote kept doing "Ultraman" movies.

His biggest hit was "Jumborg Ace and Giant."

Do you remember that one? -No.

One of the "Ultraman" superheroes

teams up with the animated stone idol

Yuk Wud Jaeng to defeat some kaiju monsters.

-Dang, how did I miss that one?

-So, Sompote is this high-level special-effects guy,

and after Won-se Lee goes back to Korea,

Sompote re-edits the film,

puts his name on it as the sole director,

and releases it as "Chorakhe" in 1979.

I think "chorakhe" is the Thai word for crocodile.

And he shoots some new scenes with Robert Chan Law-Bat

as the reporter who joins the three men trying

to kill the giant croc

because Robert Chan Law-Bat was his producer,

and he was putting up money and he wanted to be in the movie.

So, he made that artistic choice in 1979,

which is when "Chorakhe" came out in Thailand.

-Is there much more of this?

-Yeah, there's four more versions.

-Okay, maybe we should do this later.

You know what I mean?

-Yeah, okay, I get it. I agree with you.

The scene we're about to watch

is reminiscent of "Cannibal Holocaust."

And we promised when we showed that,

that whenever there's going to be on-screen animal death,

we will warn you.

So, look away as soon as you see a bunch of tourists

from Great Falls, Montana,

gathered to see some crocodile wrestlers.

Got it? Is that enough?

-I don't know. We'll see.

I'm the one who has to deal with everyone

being really pissed off about this shit.

-Well, we debate this stuff.

We choose to show the movie

in its original release form, uncut.

And in this case, we had a choice of six different cuts,

but they all have this scene in them.

And the one we're showing is the 1981 American cut.

So, this was seen at all the grindhouses

and drive-ins of this nation. -Why do they do this to us?

-I get the impression that crocodiles in Thailand

are very plentiful, very common, very familiar to the people.

They eat the meat. They use the hides.

They make a lot of crocodile products.

And so it's like,

you got to think of it like chickens are here, right?

When you go to KFC,

you don't expect to see the chickens get

their heads cut off.

But you know that millions of chickens

do get their heads cut off every day, right?

-Yeah, I don't think that's very helpful.

-I didn't make the movie, Darcy.

-You're showing the movie.

-You can't really take stuff out of a masterpiece

just because it violates the sensibilities

of the modern world.

-Fine. Fine. -Okay, back to the movie.

-Okay.

-And it's coming up quick, so be warned.

And it's over quick.

So, it's coming up quick and it's over quick.

So, you can look away, look back.

I did want to make two more points, though,

about the artistry involved. -Really?

-Did you notice that when the longboats get that giant net

and they pull body parts up out of the water

that all of the body parts are arms?

It's not like they have a bunch of heads and feet

and toes and torsos.

Just arms.

I think they're signaling that this is a gourmand,

flesh-eating crocodile.

He spits out arms the same way

we would spit out the pit of an olive.

-Okay.

-And then I want to point out

that if you're experiencing extreme psychological stress

in Thailand, where do you go?

-The optometrist.

-Yes! He goes to the optometrist.

He has seen too much. He knows too much.

His eyes need to be calmed down.

It's kind of an avant-garde

back-door reveal of his increasingly disordered mind.

-Or they had access to a cheap optometrist shop

where they could shoot.

-Darcy, we need to assume that the filmmakers' mise en scene

is honest and straightforward,

but then we get the crocodile expert, Dr. Lowes,

and we get that scene where Dr. Lowes says,

"Let me see now. You mentioned something about a crocodile?"

And Tony says, "Well, sir, can a crocodile...

Can he live in the sea?"

And the expert says,

"Hmm, that's a very interesting thought."

Okay, so he's a big, fat liar.

He's a crocodile expert.

That means he already does know that the saltwater crocodile,

the largest living reptile in the world,

is thriving all over the Indian Ocean, the Pacific,

the North China Sea, and elsewhere.

This is a scene indicating that he's lying!

He's being evasive.

There's a secret crocodile cult inside Thailand

that tries to protect the beast from people like Dr. Akom.

So, the intrigue thickens.

-You are out of control tonight.

-Yes, I am like Chalawan,

the crocodile King from the "Legend of Krai Thong."

-Oh my God, please stop. Please. No!

-Okay. But he has a very cool crown and...

-Stop! -Stand up on his hind legs.

Stop!

-That was horrible! -I don't know how it happened.

-Leave them over here.

-I can't even explain it. Can you...

-I-I don't know. My gosh.

-Brenda, be calm. Everything will be okay.

Just be calm.

-Be calm.

Be calm.

-All right. Let him through. Let him through.

-God damn it! Don't argue.

You have no idea what it's like down here.

I want all the ambulances you can get.

-You know, John, I was just thinking.

Can you imagine the size of that beast?

He destroyed an entire village as if it were a toy.

Stopping it isn't going to be easy.

-Not only that,

but we don't even know where it's going to strike next.

-Oh, by the way, I received this letter this morning.

It's from Professor Lowes.

After studying the problem, he has come to the conclusion

that this creature is the result

of all this atomic testing going on in our atmosphere.

He feels, and I agree, that our giant crocodile is a mutant.

-My God, a mutant!

How are we going to kill it?

-Dr. Akom is right.

Tom?

-Yes, Inspector?

What can I do for you?

Huh?

-You're going to catch it.

-Me? Why me, sir?

Because you are the best that I've got.

-Add this, John. -Okay.

-It's not working.

It doesn't seem to be having any effect at all.

What do we do now, huh?

-Put the rest in.

-That again.

Do it again.

Quit it!

-Aah!

Aah!

-Are they coming?

-We did try. It was monstrous!

Nobody will ever get him, I tell you.

-Did you notice, Darcy,

that we have now switched into an alternate universe?

-I noticed that those tourists watching the crocodile torture

got exactly what they deserved.

-Agreed.

But what I mean is that the same people

who died in the opening credits

are dying again after the crocodile attacks.

And wouldn't you know, the croc attacks the same village

that's already been wiped out by the typhoon and the earthquake.

So it's amazing that "A,"

they've already rebuilt that village,

and "B," they've decided to let their kids go back

into the water, which is how we get naked-children

crocodile snacks.

My favorite part, though, is the bear trap

that they put on the ocean floor

with a little Alpo sprinkled into the middle of it,

and after that results in carnage

that includes a legless man still struggling to survive,

we get some sadistic cop yelling,

"I want all the ambulances you can get!" Really?

So they can all pour into the one Thailand hospital

at the same time?

So, all I'm saying, Darcy,

is that here we've entered into Salvador Dali-level surrealism.

And notice that the two doctors

who are supposedly getting ready to kill the croc,

just calmly walk down the street discussing their experimentation

while the dozens of involuntary amputees

are being rushed to the ER.

It doesn't seem to occur to them

that perhaps some extra medical help might be needed.

And then when we see their lab,

they pour various poisons into a tank holding a baby crocodile,

I guess, trying to pollute it to death

like the final scene of "Piranha."

But all they do is put it to sleep, and then they say,

"Well, what do we do now?"

It's a purely open-ended scene

that has no relation to anything that comes later,

so that they have once again

nothing to do but agonize together,

especially when Dr. Akom hears the voice of his hot

but dead daughter.

-Wait.

Are you saying this is the improved version of the movie?

-Well, Darcy, improved? That's a very loaded word.

It's a matter of taste.

However, the 1979 version, supervised by Sompote Sands,

did have some decent shots that were taken out of the U.S. cut.

One is a lengthy attack on a child by the giant croc

while a father fights it off. Another is a shot of body parts

descending to the bottom of the river.

But what we do have here is the work of Dick Randall,

who is sort of the third director.

We've had two previous Dick Randall movies

on "The Last Drive-In."

Our movie on the original marathon

was the legendary "Pieces." -Nice.

-And I went into great detail about Dick

when we showed his holiday slasher,

"Don't Open Till Christmas."

Dick Randall was born in the Catskill Mountains,

started out as a gag writer for Milton Berle,

tried to produce Broadway plays

but ended up in so much debt that he had to flee to Rome

during the wild '60s and early '70s there,

and he produced classics like

"The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield,"

"Primitive Love," "Four Times That Night,"

which means exactly what you think it means,

"The French Sex Murders," and "The Girl in Room 2A,"

which is about a sadistic-killer sex cult.

So, at some point,

Dick Randall started making deals with these

Hong Kong filmmakers.

And to do that,

he moved to London and for the rest of his life he was London-,

Rome-, Hong Kong-based,

the guy who financed exploitation flicks

in all three places but never New York or L.A.

because he couldn't go back to the U.S. for some reason.

Anyway, during his London/Hong Kong period,

he hears about "Crocodile Fangs,"

also known as "Horror of the Crocodile,"

also known as "Chorakhe," and he goes to Bangkok

and he meets Sompote Sands,

the guy who took the director's name off "Crocodile Fangs"

and added scenes and disaster footage

and put his own name on it.

And Dick Randall says, "Hey, Sompote, let's make a deal.

I think I can improve the movie even more."

And so we end up with "Crocodile 1981,"

which Dick Randall wants to release in the United States.

But since he can't go to the United States,

he brings in his old friend Herman Cohen

as part of the deal.

And Herman Cohen, he's basically retired at this point,

but he's still well-respected as the producer of films

like "I Was a Teenage Werewolf," "Blood of Dracula,"

and "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla."

Have you seen that one, Darcy?

-I mean, who hasn't? Steve Calvert was the gorilla.

-You know the name of the guy in the gorilla suit?

-His whole career was in gorilla suits.

-You're kidding me.

-No. There's, like, a really big demand for gorillas in the '50s,

for some reason. -Okay, I guess so.

Anyway, Dick Randall makes a deal with Sompote,

re-edits the movie,

gives it to Herman Cohen to release in America,

and the version we're watching is created.

But he also shoots new scenes with the crocodile puppet,

and he creates "Crocodile 1982,"

which is distributed only in European countries

and drive-ins that didn't get the first run

of "Crocodile 1981."

Are you following this, Darcy?

-Oh, every detail.

Um, so now we know about all four versions of the movie,

so maybe we should just finish watching it.

-There are actually six versions of the movie, Darcy.

That's how awesome it is.

But my point about "Crocodile 1982"

is that it had more sex and gore in it,

including the opening scene

where these two topless girls get eaten by the croc.

-Why do we not have that version?

-Well, I don't know, but we'll go back to the movie now.

And I want to call everyone's attention to the fact

that based on the scale used in the scenes with the crocodile,

the killer croc can be twice the size of a regular crocodile

or 30 feet long or 100 feet long.

And sometimes it can look like an alligator.

Actually, this is an alligator, I just realized.

But, anyway, it's genius because the perception

of the crocodile size changes depending on

the imminent danger and scare factor.

We're always seeing the crocodile from the point of view

of the victim who's about to be eaten,

like the scene

where the croc creates a whirlpool with his tail,

or the scene where he chomps down on those naked children.

Okay, roll the flick.

In Japan... -Mm-hmm.

...the name of the movie was

"Giant Crocodile, Bloody Destroyer."

Isn't that a great name? -It's a great name.

-In Italy, it had six additional minutes of atomic-blast footage.

In Germany, it was "Krokodil" with a "K."

-I like that.

-And it had the two topless women being chewed up

in the opening scene.

Plus, it had Lois Ayres on the poster.

-The porn star?

-Exactly.

-Wow. Did they shoot scenes with her?

-No, she's not in the movie, but she's on the poster.

So that's what I'm saying, Darcy.

It's an art film.

There were all these different artists shaping

their versions of "Crocodile,"

and one of those artists envisioned Lois Ayres

as the polar opposite of the flesh-eating beast.

So, on one side of the poster, you have destruction and death.

On the other side of the poster,

you have beauty and living flesh.

So, it's a statement about the duality of human nature

and ecological balance.

-Are you saying porn cancels out a monster?

-To the contrary, porn enhances a monster.

-Did I just take you seriously?

-I think you did. Okay. Scary, right?

All right. Lois Ayres -- loved her.

Especially loved her in "Ejacula 2."

-How could you not?

-I mean, it was no "Ejacula 1," but still.

-What is? -Yeah.

-It's killed again.

Another village.

Seems to kill every three days.

-Yeah, you're right.

Wait a minute!

If he kills every three days,

that means he's following a pattern.

-Huh. I wonder.

Hey, John, come over here.

He hit the first time on the 17th,

then once more on the 20th.

-Yes.

-And the next was on the 23rd.

Village of Kalka on the 26th.

And Pinto on the 29th. It checks out, all right.

And that's where he's headed, where the sea meets the river.

-And next time will be on the second.

Tony, shall I tell Tanaka we're going?

-Mm-hmm.

-No, no, no, no, no! Ugh!

-Yes. I keep my word. I must go.

Do not worry, my love.

The wings of the eagle will protect me.

I pray God he'll return.

-John...that's where we'll see him -- here.

I checked it over five times.

-When he comes, we shall be ready for him.

I have everything on board that you asked for,

plus a few additions of my own...

a light machine gun, a very powerful harpoon gun,

which could also be useful for exploding

your drums of liquid bait,

and one box of dynamite, complete with fuses.

The rain will stop soon. Tomorrow the sun will shine.

It is a good omen.

-Sea and the river, they meet right there.

So, that's where he'll come from.

I want to get a little closer to that point there.

Dump our bait over there.

Now, according to my calculations,

the tide should sweep it over to that point there,

the croc will be coming from straight out at sea,

and hopefully the bait will bring him right to us.

-That's only the appetizer.

A little more, Tanaka. Hold it. That's good.

-All right, croc, how about some realbait?

-All we can do now is wait.

-I don't see how he could have missed this,

unless he isn't coming here.

What do you think? Could we be wrong?

-The day isn't over yet.

How about something to eat, Tony?

Have a sandwich. It'll do you good.

-No, thanks. You go ahead and eat.

-Look! Dead ahead.

-No, don't shoot at it. It's a boat.

-Aah! Yah!

-Ahoy there!

Take me over to that ladder.

Over there -- can't you see it?

Hi, there. Nice day, huh?

May I come aboard?

And how about one of you guys giving me a hand, huh?

Just stand over there. I'll hand it out.

-Oh.

Huh. Thanks. Nice ship you got.

I've been looking everywhere for you guys.

That's perfect.

Hi. My name is Peter.

You can call me Pete, uh, captain.

A beautiful ship, sir.

I wish I could say the same for that thing.

It barely got me here. Oh, yeah? You want some money?

Oh, my God. Of all the rotten luck,

wouldn't you know I left my wallet in my other pants?

Would you mind giving the guy a couple of bucks?

I'll pay you back as soon as we get on shore.

That's really very kind of you. Thanks.

-Keep five. -Thank you, sir.

Your change, sir.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

I'll pay you back.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

You don't mind if I take a few pictures from up there, do you?

Huh? Thanks.

Excuse me.

You guys are headline material.

-Looks like it's human.

Circle around and check the area out.

-Right.

-Get down off of there!

-You know, now that they have three guys out on the open sea,

along with a fourth comic-relief character,

this reminds me of another movie,

and if we had amateurs doing this story,

we would have the Quint speech right about now.

"So, 1,100 men went into the water.

316 men come out. The sharks took the rest.

June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb."

But you would do that with a speech adapted for crocodiles,

which would have been really easy to do,

because during the Japanese retreat

in the Battle of Ramree Island in 1945,

British soldiers encircled the swampland

that the Japanese were using for their escape,

and that meant the Japanese soldiers had to spend

the entire night of February 19th in the mangroves,

which were home to thousands of saltwater crocodiles.

More than 400 soldiers were eaten that night.

So, all you had to do was make Tanaka, the boat captain,

one of the survivors of the Battle of Ramree Island,

and you would have a natural Quint speech.

"800 men went into the swamps.

412 men come out. Crocs took the rest.

February the 19th, 1945."

But that's the obvious choice. You don't do that.

Fortunately for cinematic history,

the artists in charge of "Crocodile"

went in another direction.

They created a eureka moment for Tony when he says, "I've got it.

The crocodile strikes every three days,

and he's heading for the place where the river meets the sea."

Now, they don't explain

why a giant crocodile would strike every third day

or why he would frequent the mouth of the river.

But we know, don't we?

The three-day cycle evokes memories of the Resurrection,

at the same time

that it allows the extensive digestive system of the croc

to fully process its most recent victims.

And to create that digestive system,

the filmmakers used a 25-foot model,

a real crocodile on miniature sets,

a crocodile head for close-ups,

a crocodile tail for the splashing scenes,

and that 25-foot model required 10 people pushing on it

to get its mouth open and an entire day

to film a single underwater meal.

But here's the cinematic touch added by Dick Randall.

Some of the inserted footage in the U.S. cut

contained alligators, not crocodiles,

because he wanted to universalize the message.

We're talking about the psyche of all giant reptiles,

not just the saltwater croc.

-Are you done?

-Well, I hope so, but aren't you going to yell at me

about the water buffalo scene?

-I know that the giant crocodile puppet

didn't actually eat the water buffalo.

-But the process of stuffing the water buffalo

into the fake croc mouth

caused the animal to urinate all over itself.

-Yes. And that is animal abuse. The buffalo was terrified.

-I'm sure they found a nice owner

for the traumatized water buffalo.

-I want to believe that's true.

-Okay, there are problems when people are trying to make art.

I mean, they were in Thailand for seven months.

They started with an unfinished script,

which is why there are two different endings,

depending on which version you're watching.

And these scenes on the boat required multiple takes

that infuriated the crew, actually.

-So, what are you saying?

-I'm saying all four directors suffered in one way or another.

They suffered as much or more than that water buffalo.

So, we...

-Please. -And it was for us.

It was so that we could have the joyous experience

called "Crocodile."

-Oh, my God.

-Back to the movie.

-Please.

-I think the only reason

"Crocodile" was not immediately recognized as a seminal work

that it is,

is that Dick Randall had so many big titles coming out

at the same time --

"Supersonic Man," directed by the same guy

who directed "Pieces," about a Spanish superhero

from a distant galaxy who comes to Earth

in a Superman-lookalike costume to battle Dr. Gulik,

who is trying to destroy mankind.

Dick Randall also had "The Clones of Bruce Lee,"

which is considered the greatest "Bruceploitation" film

of all time.

-Bruceploitation.

-Bruceploitation is a genre, and this movie had Dragon Lee,

Bruce Lai, Bruce Le, and Bruce Thai

all in the same story,

plus two actors from "Enter the Dragon."

And this was the same time period

when Dick Randall released "For Your Height Only,"

starring Weng Weng the... -Oh, yes.

-...the little guy as a James Bond-style action hero,

and "Invaders of the Lost Gold,

which was unfairly classified as a "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

rip-off and "The Pod People,"

also directed by Juan Piquer Simón,

the director of "Pieces."

So, it would have been easy

for an intimate art-house character study like "Crocodile"

to get lost among all of those films.

And you know why it didn't stay lost, though?

-Because Shudder got a deal on it?

-No! Not because shudder got a deal on it.

-Just a thought.

-Because cinema aficionados discovered it one by one

and passed it around

until everybody realized what a surrealist experiment

in psychology it really is.

-Really? -Darcy,

in a few moments, you will believe a crocodile can fly.

-Yeah, I think that's actually the scene with the bathtub toy.

-No, Darcy, that's the scene with the magic.

-Here. You better wear it just in case.

A guy could fall overboard, you know?

Go ahead.

-Hey, Tanaka? He's calling you.

-Yeah. Let's cruise around a bit.

Maybe the sound will attract him.

-Good idea.

-John, how are you feeling?

-A bit tired, just like you.

-Why hasn't he attacked?

-You do think he's out there, don't you?

-I don't know.

-Hey, you, Peter! Get up here.

Come on, get up here.

-Why, what's the matter?

-If you're going to stay on this boat,

you'll stand watch like the rest of us.

You can take your pictures. Come on.

I'm not gonna stand here all night.

-Oh, I'm so tired. I could fall asleep right here.

-I wouldn't do that. You might not wake up again.

-That's a thought.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a drink.

-You've had enough already.

-Hey, give me that!

-Hey. Hey. Hey! There's no one awake on deck.

Hey!

Hey! There's no one awake on deck.

-Okay.

-Oh, well.

-Huh?! What?

-Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Get out, get out! -I can't get to the door.

-It's jammed! The door is jammed -- oh!

Open the door, Tanaka!

You must get it open, or we'll die in here!

-No!

Tanaka!

-Aah!

It's not the door that's jammed. It's the lock.

Maybe you can jump.

-Forget the lock! Smash it down!

-Aah!

-Aah-aah!

Aah!

-I heard what you said before.

Maybe somebody will hear us.

-Come on, you dumb door -- open!

-Hurry up before we all drown.

-Aah!

-It's coming in faster! Hurry up!

-I can't keep my feet under me!

Aah! Aaahhh! Aaaahhhhh!

-Aah!

-God damn!

-I'm sorry about Tanaka.

I'll write about him when we get home.

Thank God we're still alive.

-Aah! Light the fuse, John. He's back.

-Right!

-We got him, John.

We did it!

We did it! We killed him!

-Yeah. I don't want to lose these shots.

There.

No!

Aah!

No.

-We didn't kill it. It's only wounded.

-Tony?

Look -- the lines. He's broken.

-Aah!

-Help him!

-Give me your hand.

Aaahhhh!

Aah!

-Aah!

-Oh, gosh! Get on off of there. Peter!

-Peter gave his life so that others might live

without fear of a giant crocodile leaping

over their fishing boat.

I...I don't know if I can go on, Darcy.

You might have to do mailbag by yourself.

-Peter was so obnoxious.

-He was a forgotten cowboy, Darcy.

He was looking for a place in the world.

And he found it in the wide mouth

of Crocodylus porosus giganteus.

It took a suicide bomber to save Thailand.

-But what happened to Tony?

-That's for you to decide. It's open-ended.

Did he cling to a shard floating in the debris-field ocean

until a cruise ship picked him up?

Did he die while sniffing the panties of his dead daughter?

-Stop! Stop!

-The filmmakers want us to make up our own ending.

-I hate that. Give me the answer.

-The crocodile fulfilled the prophecy set forth

by Tanaka's tattoo,

by eating the tattoo and eating Tanaka.

-And what was that prophecy again?

-A monster will rise from the sea

to encounter the wings of an eagle.

That's what Tanaka had on his chest, eagle wings.

I wanted a close-up of the jaws of the crocodile

biting down on that tattoo,

but they must have run out of time.

But I think you would have to agree

that "Crocodile" is a movie that speaks to all of us.

-Yeah, it says run! Run for your freaking life.

-Metaphorically speaking.

-Oh, no. No. Run for your life.

Get away from this movie.

-Well, it was released October 14, 1978,

in South Korea.

And then the Thai version was released in Bangkok

on February 15, 1980.

And then the American version was released in Times Square

in November 13, 1981.

And the crocodile was so famous

that we would see him again in Sompote Sands'

movies "Kraithong" and "Kingka Kaiyasit,"

otherwise known as "Magic Lizard."

Unfortunately, Sompote Sands would spend the rest of his life

making illegal "Ultraman" movies.

He claimed that Eiji Tsuburaya had made a deal with him

to produce and direct "Ultraman" movies

that were made outside of Japan, and so he did that.

But after 20 years of litigation,

the Japanese courts ruled against him,

and after ten more years of litigation,

the Thailand Supreme Court ruled against him.

And then ten years after that,

in 2017, a U.S. court jury ruled against him

and said he no longer had any right to "Ultraman,"

and all the movies he made

belonged to the original "Ultraman" copyright holders

in Japan,

and he also owed hundreds of thousands of dollars

in reimbursements and penalties and interests,

and that his claim of ownership was based on a forged document,

and so he died in 2021,

a broken and defeated man, stripped of his heritage

but still claiming that he directed "Crocodile."

So, let's say he did.

-He can have it. -Let's say he did.

Let's not take that away from him.

-We salute you, Sompote. -Woot-woot!

-and we salute your 25-foot special-effects crocodile model

that required 10 operators.

It's a model that's covered with water buffalo urine,

but it still rules the world of reptilian art-house classics.

-So, tonight's mailbag...

From Greg Sanchez of Corpus Christi, Texas.

And he has a question about "Satan's Little Helper."

-You should answer that question.

Isn't that one of your favorite movies?

-It is, yeah. But I think it's for you.

-Okay. We'll do it together. -Okay.

-"Hey, Joe Bob,

is Satan in 'Satan's Little Helper'

the inspiration for Art the Clown

in the 'Terrifier' movies?

Was Damien Leone inspired by Jeff Lieberman?"

Director of "Satan's Little Helper."

"They have similar humor -- evil and funny and antics.

They each have ridiculous over-the-top kills

sometimes in public places.

There seems to be no boundaries with either slasher

as far as who they will kill and where they will kill.

What are your thoughts or known facts?

Love the 'Satan's Little Helper' episode.

The drive-in will never die.

Your friend, Greg Sanchez, Corpus Christi, Texas."

All right. Do you want to go first?

-Okay, I'll go first.

I can see that, but I think the answer is no.

-No connection at all, huh?

-I don't think so.

I think David Howard Thornton

was probably inspired by the classics.

-The classics? Like what? "Frankenstein" or...

-Well, no, no, like the Marx Brothers, like Harpo.

-Oh, interesting. -That's what I see.

-Well, I have to assume

that Damien Leone was watching every horror film

that came out when he was in his early 20s,

so I would wager

that he definitely saw "Satan's Little Helper."

And there is a little resemblance because of the way

Art the Clown silently goes about his business.

But I think it's a stretch.

The humor is there.

Maybe he unconsciously absorbed some aspect

of Satan in the "Little Helper" movie,

but it's definitely not a one-for-one.

So, that was the namby-pamby answer, wasn't it?

So, I'm going to say no.

No, Greg, but thanks for being a supporter over the years.

I recognize your name because you've written to us

so many times. I appreciate that.

-It's a good question, though.

-And I don't think I've ever done a show

in Corpus Christi, but send me a venue

and I'll book a show there, and that's it for me.

And that's it for Ecological Horror Night,

also known as "Jaws" Rip-off Night.

Um, I'm Joe Bob Briggs with Darcy, the Mail Girl,

reminding you that if you can't race it or have sex with it,

you don't need it, and the drive-in will never die.

911 dispatcher gets a call from a hunter.

"I've just come across a bloodstained body in the woods,"

the guy says. "It's a man, and I think he's dead.

What should I do?"

And the dispatcher says, "It's going to be all right, sir.

Just follow my instructions.

The first thing to do is put the phone down

and make sure he's dead."

There's silence on the phone,

followed by the sound of a gunshot.

Man comes back to the phone.

"Okay, now what do I do?"

You don't get that one?

All right, all right, one more. -I mean, I get it.

-I thought that was one of my better ones.

All right.

Wild rabbit gets caught,

and they take him to a laboratory

at the National Institutes of Health laboratory.

When the rabbit arrives, he makes friends with a rabbit

that's been born and raised in the lab.

So, one evening,

the wild rabbit notices his cage hadn't been properly closed.

So he makes a break for freedom,

and he invites the lab rabbit to join him.

But the lab rabbit is unsure

since he's never been outside the laboratory.

But the wild rabbit finally convinces him to give it a try.

And once they're free, the wild rabbit says,

"I'll show you the number-three best field."

And he takes the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce,

and they eat all the lettuce they can eat.

And the wild rabbit says,

"Now I'm going to show you the number-two best field."

And he takes the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots,

and they eat all the carrots they can handle.

And then the wild rabbit says,

"Now I'm going to show you the number-one best field."

And he takes the lab rabbit to a warren full of female bunnies.

And the two rabbits have sex all night long.

And as dawn is beginning to break,

the lab rabbit says, "I have to be getting back to the lab."

And the wild rabbit says, "What?!

Why would you do that? I've shown you the number-three

best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field

with the carrots,

and the number-one best field with the ladies.

Why in the world would you go back to the lab?"

And the lab rabbit says, "I'm dying for a cigarette."

-♪ We are drive-in mutants -♪ Drive-in mutants

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick -♪ Sick ♪

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting ♪

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ If life had a vomit meter ♪

♪ We'd be off the scale -♪ Off the scale ♪

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ Boogie till we puke ♪

-♪ The drive-in will never die ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ We believe in ♪

-♪ Blood ♪

♪ And breasts ♪

♪ And beasts ♪

-♪ Yeah, we believe in ♪